debate 01, 2013 by Debate Magazine

reception City Campus Level 2, WC Building 921 9805 Mon-Thurs: 8am-5pm Fri8am-4pm North Shore Campus Level 2, AS Building 921 9949 Mon-Fri: 11am-1pm

Issue 01 | Orientation 2013

CONTENTS

The Team

Manukau Campus MB107 921 9999 ext 6672 Mon-Thurs; 9am-3.30pm governance & leadership Kizito Essuman AuSM Student President 921 9999 ext 8571 kizito.essuman@aut.ac.nz management Sue Higgins General Manager 921 9999 ext 5111 sue.higgins@aut.ac.nz

advocacy Nick Buckby Liaison Manager 921 9999 ext 8379 nick.buckby@aut.ac.nz marketing Kate Lin Sales and Marketing Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8909 kate.lin@aut.ac.nz

events Carl Ewen Student Life Manager 921 9999 ext 8931 carl.ewen@aut.ac.nz

media Matthew Cattin Publications Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8774 matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz vesbar Zane Chase Vesbar Manager 921 9999 ext 8378 zane.chase@aut.ac.nz

volunteers & clubs Nathan Bromberg Volunteers Coordinator 921 9999 ext 8911 nathan.bromberg@aut.ac.nz

www.ausm.org.nz

O-WEEK

Interviews of O-Week stars. pg 15-20

5 Editorial 6 ARTICLE: Lie Strong 8 Artist of the week: Alfred Memelink 10 NEWS 11 Social Media Highlights 13 AuSM: Prez Sez 13 AuSM: Updates 15 Welcome to O-WEEK 16 O-WEEK: Tahuna Breaks 17 O-WEEK: Sassy and the Notebook O-WEEK: Lou Dogg 18 O-WEEK: Urzila Carlson 19 O-WEEK: Guy Williams 20 O-WEEK: Gig-guide 21 O-WEEK: Gig-guide 22 ARTICLE: Apocalypse now 24 ARTICLE: 10 pieces of advice 26 FASHION: Patrick's Bible of Fashion #01 28 REVIEWS 32 Caption Corner Recipe 33 Procrastipage 10 things women's magazines have taught me

This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.

cover: O-Week by Ceapum Kaushish

editor Matthew Cattin matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz sub editor Nigel Moffiet

designer Ceapum Kaushish ceapum.kaushish@aut.ac.nz

disclaimer Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, PMP Print or its subsidiaries.

debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA)

www.ausm.org.nz

KEEP UP WITH WHAT’S GOING DOWN

comedy_2013.pdf

Library

Workshops

Getting Started

Finding

Information

Getting Started: Finding Information is an introductory Library workshop essential for any new student Learn how to: • Use summon to find print and electronic books and journal articles • Identify different Library resources • Use searching strategies and tips to find information

Northshore

Library AL Level 1 (AL120)

City

Library WA Level 3 (WA305)

To register for these workshops please go to:

Manukau

Campus (MC 212/213)

www.aut.ac.nz/library/study/workshops then follow the links to book online

CMY

14/02/13

12:51 PM

Editorial

Matthew Cattin

Hello AUT,

Welcome to another year of all-nighters, faulty printers, energy drinks and coffee. I hate to glamorize it, but that’s the cold hard truth of what you’re in for. My name is Matthew and this time last year, I was one of you, facing the impending doom of third year journalism. I enjoyed my final year, got the work done, skipped just the right amount of class, stayed home when the waves were good and made it through. My biggest piece of advice is to keep calm, get the work done, and schedule plenty of time to enjoy yourself. Everything works out in the end. Bernard Shaw once said “youth is wasted on the young” and I say get out there and prove him wrong – do your best at uni but don’t waste your time stressing.

So the way I see it, you will most likely wake up every weekday to enjoy a monotonous existence of deadlines, public transport and watching lecturers fail to get the projector going. However, if you pick up a debate magazine on your way to class, flick through its gorgeous glossy pages, and have a read, you may just escape to a happier place. As editor, I will try my darndest to provide that little ray of sunshine for everybody to bask in but at the end of the day, debate is your magazine. Whether you are studying horticulture or hairdressing, janitorwork or journalism – your contributions are what keep the magazine going. If you are a man or woman of little words, send in your artwork or photography or just write me a quick letter to express your distaste in my punctuation. But please, if you feel the rage building inside, don your sceptical spectacles and write an irate letter hating on the mag, remember it’s the students you’re dissing and I would warmly welcome your punctuation-perfect, magnum opus of a contribution.

Formalities over, I hope your summer was a happy one and I sincerely hope you made the most of the sunshine because yo, it just ended. In saying that, treat your weekends like your last days – it won’t be long before the water makes you wither and the wind makes you wince and all the weekends will be good for is increasing your word counts to the bare minimum. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It seems fitting to pay tribute to Sir Paul Holmes, legendary broadcaster to some, controversial nit-picker to others and nostalgic slice of home for me. Some of my earliest memories are of pushing the last remnants of dinner moodily around my plate while my parents watched Holmes, confined to my chair until I could get down what was in hindsight probably a delicious home-cooked meal. It’s sad that the classic “those were our people today – that’s Holmes tonight” sign off is no more, but sadder yet that his death means no more albums. Perhaps the most returned Christmas gift of all time, it seemed every family got a copy of Paul Holmes’ classic album, said “thank you, I must have forgotten to put it on my list” and took it back to the nearest Sounds music store at the first opportunity – weren’t those the days, when CD stores took refunds? But joking aside, you have to admire the man’s audacity for pursuing a music career when the nation screamed at him “no!”. And on his deathbed, aged only 62, I bet he was proud of himself for grabbing life by the balls and becoming New Zealand’s most forgotten rock star. RIP. Good on him. Enjoy the O-week festivities, get your groove on with the great bands AuSM has organised, have a drink for Sir Paul and make the most of the year.

www.ausm.org.nz

ARTICLE- Lie Strong

To go from being given a 40 per cent chance of survival to doing what no man has done before in one of sport’s most gruelling endurance events seemed too good to be true, which it was.

LIE STRONG

Ben Hill ponders the disgraced sporting hero that lanced his arms a few too many times.

Over the summer, the world was exposed to the biggest sporting fall from grace since Tiger Woods’ sexploits became public knowledge. Lance Armstrong, the ex-most successful road cyclist ever, who won an unprecedented seven straight titles in the world’s toughest and most prestigious cycling event, the Tour de France, used a nearly three hour interview with Oprah Winfrey to admit for the first time after years of speculation, accusation and denial that he used drugs and blood doping throughout his career to gain an unfair advantage. He had already been stripped of his titles and banned from competing for life by the United States AntiDoping Agency, who claimed Armstrong ran “the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping program that sport has ever seen.” Pretty hefty statements really.

www.ausm.org.nz

His admission becomes even more shocking given the adamant and aggressive refutation by Armstrong at any previous suggestion of nefarious behaviour on his part, and although no doubt he was a polarising figure, his miraculous comeback from cancer after being diagnosed in 1996 further served to convey Armstrong as a hero. In a nation that loves the underdog, Armstrong’s story was the epitome of David over Goliath. To go from being given a 40 per cent chance of survival to doing what no man has done before in one of sport’s most gruelling endurance events seemed too good to be true, which it was. Armstrong’s profile in the United States was so great that at one point there was talk of him running for Governor of Texas, and he was even invited by then-President George W. Bush to go for a romantic bike-ride around Bush’s ranch.

ARTICLE- Lie Strong

In the Oprah interview, Armstrong mentions how his seemingly fairytale life was all based on deceit. Further damaging his image is the fact that he filed lawsuits against those that spoke out about his drug use, notably British journalist David Walsh of the Sunday Times. Armstrong received millions in court as a result of decisions in his favour, money obtained through false pretences. Armstrong attributes his outwardly aggressive behaviour towards those who publically accused him of cheating to selfishness and arrogance; in his own words he was “a guy who expected to get whatever he wanted”.

Lance Armstrong

Photo: LeStudio1.com's photos via Getty Images

As much as what has been brought to light as a result of this confession serves to ruin Armstrong’s reputation, it is important to maintain a balanced outlook. Professional road cycling in the 1990’s is known as the era of EPO, a drug used to increase red blood cell production. Drug-testing during this period was not advanced enough to detect EPO, and as a result use of the drug was rampant. In fact, doping has been prevalent in le Tour since 1903, where (no shit) riders have used alcohol, ether, cocaine, chloroform, amphetamine and something called “horse ointment”, which coincidentally was Nadia Ostapchuk’s narcotic of choice. Eleven riders since Floyd Landis in 2006 have also been disqualified from the race for doping. Perhaps some blame for Armstrong’s actions can be laid on the culture that permeates the Tour, where circumstances dictate that in order to compete at the same level as others, riders are forced to use banned substances. The ones that are lucky enough not to get caught are rewarded with the spoils. Armstrong was a phenomenal athlete,

evidenced by his freakish physical attributes, including a resting heart-rate of 32 beats per minute, and twice the aerobic capacity of what is considered average. He also used his substantial profile to establish the Livestrong Foundation, which provides support for people affected by cancer. As of 2012 the foundation has generated more than $500 million. Armstrong’s success in the Tour de France allowed him to establish the foundation and thus help people stricken with disease. Arguably, for Armstrong to be successful in his sport, drug-use was crucial, and without the success that brought him fame and respect, his charitable efforts would not have been possible. History will undoubtedly not be kind to Armstrong, as his actions were unfair and he contributed to tarnishing the image of a great sporting event, to the point where questions of doping will always be asked of anyone who is successful in le Tour. However in the same way Armstrong’s actions were unfair, it is unfair to simply disregard the courage Armstrong showed in overcoming cancer after being given less than half a chance of survival; and his efforts with the Livestrong Foundation. Maintaining objectivity when evaluating Armstrong would be the fair thing to do, however it is an inherent and seemingly illogical expectation that people demand their sporting heroes display equally heroic morals, which unfortunately is often not the case. --

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(opp Smith and Caughey’s) Conditions: One Free Cookie Offer per Coupon. Expires 31/3/2013 www.ausm.org.nz 7

Artist of the week

Alfred Memelink Growing up by the beach, Alfred Memelink always admired the unpredictable moods of the sea. As a classic kiwi kid, this is where he spent much of of his spare time, drinking in the sights of the water. Later, taking up the profession as a marine engineer, this helped to appease the salt in his veins but after weeks of hard, hot laboring in the ships’ engine room and subsequent nights of rehydration (of the alcoholic variety), Alfred realised he needed a hobby. As soon as his ship docked in the next port of call, he ran straight into Whitcoulls and set himself up with a watercolour set and began painting. After struggling for a time to master the technique, Alfred realised that to get the challenging medium to work for him, he had to grant it the space it needed to do its own thing, and then adapt from there. He describes it as a partnership between himself and the medium, working together on the page.

Over the years, Alfred has created stunning images of seascapes, New Zealand cities, whales and Antarctic landscapes but his greatest inspiration still comes from his childhood love – the sea. His biggest achievements have been winning the Watercolour New Zealand Supreme Award for best watercolour at their annual exhibition and having his work featured on several sets of Pitcairn Island stamps. Here are a few tips Alfred gave debate to help budding artists.

1. Try to do a sky a day in watercolours (and some sea, and a boat, and a seagull) 2. Date the back of each painting you’ve done - you’ll look back on these and see how far you have progressed. 3. If any don’t meet your expectation – keep it anyway, let your subconscious work on it over a day or so or longer and then try it again with a fresh approach. 4. Don’t give up – keep trying, keep getting inspired.

Find more of Alfred's work at: www.memelink.co.nz 8

www.ausm.org.nz

NEWS

World News Nelson

Nelson residents are both aroused and amused by the appearance of breast implant shaped jellyfish washed up on local beaches. However, rumour has it the boob-jellies are disappearing as fast as they wash up, sparking curiosities as to who is stealing the magnificent specimens. Swimmer Sara-Lee Dabinette confirmed to website Stuff that they did in fact “feel like mammaries.” Great stuff.

Russia

A Russian man has inked all over his girlfriend’s face after knowing her only 24 hours. The tattoo, which takes up the majority of her face, says his name, Ruslan, in bold gothic print. “I’d like him to tattoo every inch of my body” Lesya Toumaniantz

told the Daily Mail. I bet she says that to all the boys…

Los Angeles

Ron “the big schlong” Jeremy is still in hospital after suffering an aneurysm near his heart. Jeremy, also known as “the hedgehog” for reasons I don’t want to know, has starred in over 2000 adult films and it seems his body is finally paying the price for his strenuous lifestyle.

Wyoming

A Wyoming teenager has successfully built a nuclear fusion reactor in his parents garage – despite not being old enough to buy a drink. Eighteen-year-old Conrad

Farnsworth says the plasma at the heart of his reactor reaches temperatures of 600 million degrees Fahrenheit. According to Huffington Post, he uploaded the video on to his YouTube channel alongside a video of him ceremoniously destroying an Edward Cullen doll. Boys will be boys.

Queensland

The industrial Queensland city of Gladstone has become the Springfield of Australia after mutant cane toads are popping up in their thousands. Scott Wilson from Central Queensland University said that in some Gladstone areas, one in five cane toads were discovered to have abnormalities including extra limbs, missing eyes and too many toes. I eagerly await reports of a three-eyed fish.

ISIC 60 years old Currently, every 7 seconds an ISIC card is sold somewhere in the world. You can get your ISIC now at your AuSM office. There are over 126,000 places around the world you can get a discount, including 100s here in New Zealand.

ISIC been helping students travel for 60 years, now an everyday card. To celebrate, they are offering 3 trips to Copenhagen in Denmark, where it all started.

In 1953, the decision was taken by the students unions from Norway, the Netherlands and Denmark to "take the necessary steps to ensure that an International Student Identity Card be made available as soon as possible in as large a part of the world as possible" so students could proof their student status and have access to student facilities wherever they travelled to. One of the main reasons to create the ISIC card was the view that student travel and exchange opportunities among students and youth leads to greater international understanding and tolerance. This belief remains core to the purpose of the ISIC card today.

UNESCO recognises the ISIC card as the only internationally accepted proof student status and a unique document encouraging cultural exchange and international understanding.

www.ausm.org.nz

The Competition Tell us how you think ISIC should develop over the next 60 years. We are looking for innovative, creative entries that capture what you think the future of ISIC will hold: • How will ISIC change as technology changes? • Will ISIC still prove your student status on plastic or other means? • How will ISIC change as student life changes? • What other great services will ISIC give students access to? • Where else in the world will students have access to ISIC?

Or will ISIC be something much different? Tell us your ideas! Get creative! Entries are accepted in English,

French, German or Spanish, and any medium: short film or documentary, illustration, painting, essay, audio documentary, song, photo essay, e-book, infographic, presentation or any other way you want to share your ideas for ISIC in the future! You can win: • One of three trips to Copenhagen, Denmark! • €1,000 STA Travel voucher • An iPad

Please send your completed entry form and your entry to competitions@isic.org All entries must be received by 12:00pm (CET) Friday 8 March 2013. All entries must be the work of the individual or group submitting the entry. For more information, see www.isic.org

Social Media Highlights

As you wake up from your slumber, rubbing your tired eyes and bemoaning the start of uni just remember there are those who started 2013 under more unfortunate circumstances.

Sporting downfalls were big topics early on in the year so we revel in some epic failures as a little pick-me-up for that dreary first week of lectures. Then there were the local stories that had Twitter feeds rolling, either out of respect for Paul Holmes, out of disgust for Gareth Morgan, and out of sheer bewilderment at TVNZ’s new fizzer 7 Sharp. But let’s start with Armstrong after sitting on the couch with Oprah…

Television host Piers Morgan @piersmorgan: “What a snivelling, lying, cheating little wretch @lancearmstrong revealed himself to be tonight. I hope he now just disappears. #LiveWrong” And the inevitable gags….. Libraries hard at work:

Jimmy Fallon @jimmyfallon “Thank you, Lance Armstrong, for sitting down with Oprah last night. I missed the interview, but I heard it was dope. #ThankYouNoteFriday”

Rob delaney @robdelaney “.@lancearmstrong I cheated on a vocab test in 9th grade, so I feel you brother. Ours is a lonely path. #strength” And some support…

Jack Osbourne @MrJackO “Honestly I don’t care that Lance doped. He gave people hope and that’s more important then anything. So what if he lied. #livestrong” Meanwhile, New Zealand cricket fans weren’t sure whether to laugh or cry at the whirlwind of controversy surrounding the Blackcaps– this culminated in a 45 all out in a test match again South Africa. Sad.

Dai Henwood @daihenwood “This Blackcaps game reminds me of when my Greek uncle taught me to play backgammon. He was really good at backgammon, I was 3.” …however credit where credit’s due

Dai Henwood @daihenwood “We got a run! #Blackcaps” Criticism from some significant voices…

Sir Graham Henry @SirGrahamHenry “The moment

the media describes the #Blackcaps making it to 1574 as “showing some fight” you know #cricket in this country is doomed.” And then what the hell happens? We win a game! Roll on the accolades…

RupertTheBeer @RupertTheBeer “The #Blackcaps won? Knighthoods all round!” On a different note, tributes were paid to the passing of NZ’s greatest broadcaster:

Sam Neill @TwoPaddocks I remember #PaulHolmes best as a terrific young actor & satirist in Wellington- early days . Whipsmart, funny as a fight & roaring party boy.

Len Brown @mayorlenbrown Our thoughts today are with the family, friends and colleagues of Sir Paul Holmes. We may not have always seen eye... http://fb.me/Fo2ZvgUw Nadine Chalmers-Ross @BusinessNadine Sir Paul Holmes, an industry pioneer, a talented broadcaster, a great man. RIP Jacinda Ardern @jacindaardern Still remember Sir Paul

Holmes helicoptering into Morrinsville to negotiate a hostage situation at the police station. Huge personality. RIP

ColinMathuraJeffree @colincitizen RIP Sir Paul Holmes. I enjoyed meeting you in the 80s-gifting you wine at Telethon- & years later chatting to you on that @MetroMagNZ shoot. Kim Dotcom @KimDotcom Rest in peace Sir Paul Holmes :-(

Lastly, TVNZ’s new show 7 Sharp, a mixture of reporting and satire was given a bollocking by the critics.

Sports Freak @Sportzfreak Watching #7sharp is like watching TV with some compulsive channel surfing prick in charge of the remote Dominic Harvey @DomHarvey Personally, I would have gone with the name 7ish. Far less pressure to be on time every night #7Sharp Martyn Bradbury @CitizenBomber Seven Sharp - it’s like 7 Days minus all the laughing

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Get your AT Tertiary ID Sticker on your Student ID Card... and you could receive discounted travel on trains and selected buses and ferries. 1. 2. 3.

Check AT.co.nz/tertiary to see if you are eligible. If so, visit your tertiary institute to get an AT Tertiary ID Sticker on your Tertiary Student ID card. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll need this to obtain your tertiary concession discount for trains and selected buses and ferries. Actual discounts vary by operator and ticket type. Discount available for eligible, full-time tertiary students. Visit AT.co.nz/tertiary for more information, terms and conditions, eligibility and applicable services. Discounts are off the full adult price for an equivalent ticket or travel product. Receive discounts off the adult single trip cash fare when you have a tertiary concession loaded on your: - AT HOP card for trains and selected ferries. Ferries include: 360 Discovery, Belaire Ferries, Pine Harbour Ferries and Fullers Group, excluding Waiheke Ferry Services. - Purple HOP card for use on Waka Pacific, Go West, Metrolink, North Star and LINK services (excluding the Inner LINK). For details on loading a tertiary concession to your AT HOP card, visit ATHOP.co.nz. If you have a purple HOP card for use on the bus services listed above, visit MYHOP.co.nz

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Receive discounts off the full adult price for an equivalent ticket or travel product when you purchase any operator discount tertiary pass. These include ferries listed above, plus Birkenhead Transport,Howick & Eastern Buses, Urban Express, Pacific Tourways and Ritchies Transport. If you are a regular user of public transport and use operator discount tertiary passes you may, at present, find it better to continue using those products. Remember to have your Tertiary Student ID card with your AT Tertiary ID Sticker with you when you travel in case of inspection. Tertiary concessions must be obtained prior to boarding and are not available on single trip paper tickets or cash fares.

The full terms of use of the AT HOP Cards are set out in the terms of use. You can read the full terms of use of the AT HOP Cards, the registered prospectus relating to the AT HOP Cards and other information regarding the AT HOP Cards on our website or at the Transport Information Centre, Britomart. The obligations of Auckland Transport under the AT HOP Cards are unsecured. ATHOP.co.nz

For more information visit AT.co.nz/tertiary or phone 09 366 6400 @AklTransport

ATHOP0094

PREZ SEZ

Kizito Essuman

AuSM President (09) 921 9999 ext 8571

AuSM Update

Kia Ora! Welcome to AUT University. It is my great honour as your student president to officially welcome you all on behalf of AuSM to the 2013 academic year. To the new students, I say congratulations to you all for working tirelessly to gain admission to this university for the changing world. AuSM is your student association which serves as the rightful mouthpiece of the university. Our mission is simple – to provide a support network for students, be their voice at all levels and provide services to improve the quality of student life. We pride ourselves on being the hub for student involvement at AUT. The student association works in partnership with the university and other organisations to create a learning-centred culture that encourages student development and growth. We are just one of the many reasons why AUT University is the university of choice for its students. There are so many ways that you as a student can become engaged in student activities. The services AuSM provides are aimed at supporting, representing and entertaining all students studying at AUT. Orientation, weekly free feeds, entertainment at Vesbar (your student bar), Mates Rates,

Debate (your free weekly student magazine), SJS for free employment service, advocacy service are just some of the services provided by AuSM. You will be exposed to the world of many opportunities, but in your endeavours I urge you not to lose sight of the core reason why you are here – for academic success. Not only should you aim to achieve academic excellence, but also, I recommend that you get involved in extracurricular activities. These provide you the opportunity to make contacts and have time out from studies. With the help of AuSM, you can also start or join any of the cultural, religious, recreational, social and faculty-based clubs. We are here to serve you. Our website will directly link you to more information and a variety of student services. Feel free to explore, but don’t hesitate to contact us directly if you can’t find something or need further information. Also, become a fan of AuSM on Facebook and follow us on Twitter to stay one step ahead of all the latest news, events, promotions and competitions. Good luck with all your endeavours this academic year and I look forward to getting to know you all. Congratulations once again and GO AUTERS!

Auckland Student Movement at AUT (AuSM) exists to provide support, representation, essential services and advocacy to all AUT students. AuSM operates as a not-forprofit organisation and registered charity, independent of AUT and overseen by a student executive voted in by students each year. All students enrolled at AUT are deemed to be members of AuSM for the purposes of service and delivery. Students do not pay a membership fee to AuSM. The extent to which students choose to engage with AuSM is entirely up to them. If you don't want to be part of AuSM, just let us know at ausm@aut.ac.nz.

What you should do now • Check out our website for more information on our services and how you can get involved – www.ausm.org.nz • Like us on Facebook – www.facebook.com/ausm1 • Follow us on twitter – www.twitter.com/ausm1 • Download AuSM Connect for your iDevices – available on APP store and Google Play

www.ausm.org.nz

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TAHUNA BREAKS / SASSY AND THE POCKETBOOK / LOU DOGG / URZILA CARLSON / JUSTINE SMITH / GUY WILLIAMS / BITCHIN BINGO / GUY CATER / BIGGEST FOAM PARTY / VESBAR WELCOME BACK and lots more... 4.03.2013 - 15.03.2013 www.ausm.org.nz

O-WEEK

Tahuna Breaks

Riding out the groove

by Matthew Cattin

Ahead of Tahuna Breaks’ soulgasmic set, headlining AuSM’s O-week festivities, debate caught up with lead singer Marty Greentree, living up the summer before a busy year ahead. “If it all ends tomorrow then I’m happy,” says Marty contentedly. “But if it continues on for one or 10 years, then I’m also happy. Every gig we play is one more than I ever thought we would play at the start.”

On the verge of releasing their third album, Tahuna Breaks have come a long way from a bunch of lads playing instrumentals at the local pub. “We weren’t really a band that were aspiring to do anything great and we didn’t have big dreams or anything –it was just something different to do on Sunday afternoons, just a quiet jam.” After being heckled to “play something we all know” by vocal drunks, the band started to drop in the odd vocals and Marty was promoted (or pressured) from guitarist to guitarist/vocalist. “It was a bit of a fantasy, to be able to get up and play in front of people and I don’t think I would be playing music if it wasn’t for James (bass/guitar) and Tim

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(drums) who started the band. If it wasn’t for them I think I’d still be down at the rugby club having a few beers and singing to the pub music.”

With three young kids and a day job, Marty lives a double life – being a father and bringing home the dough by day, and destroying audiences by night with brutal attacks of soulful vocals. Ever humble, Marty laughs off his superhero existence, “that’s just life you know - just got to embrace it. I’d rather have it full on and hard out than be bored.”

If you haven’t watched Tahuna Break’s NSFW music video for Giddy Up, I urge you to do it – just make sure you are alone. The video features a sperm wriggling its way through a sexually explicit pinball machine, bouncing off dildos, boobs and babes and sneaking into women’s underwear – thank god it’s animated is all I can say. Marty laughs when I bring it up, telling me that after being pulled off YouTube multiple times, it always worms its way back on there. “I sort of didn’t have anything to do with it [the video] until I saw the end result and then I was like wow… This is pretty extreme.”

With seven members in the band Marty says it can be hard to allow everyone’s ideas into the recording progress. “It is equally as rewarding as it is frustrating. It’s like the MMP system or something you know? A little bit political. You’re trying to get a majority on your side to push through something you want to get through.” Although the band gets pissed off with one another from time to time, Marty says they all know each other well enough not to take it personally, saying they all have the same mind set. “When you bring something new to the band, you just have to accept that it might be thrown to the wolves and torn apart and turned into something else.” With their third album Shadow Light set for release this March, Tahuna Breaks has a busy year ahead, planning a national tour over April and May. Marty is excited to have the opportunity to share the music live and still gets overwhelmed by the audience response. For the orientation gig, he says the band is “gonna bring a party. It’s gonna be a sweat fest. We’ll mix it up – play the best of our old stuff and bring some new stuff as well.” But until then, he’s content to just “keep on cruising.”

“If it all ends tomorrow then I’m happy,” ... “But if it continues on for one or 10 years, then I’m also happy. Every gig we play is one more than I ever thought we would play at the start.” BAND:

Marty Greentree: Vocals / Guitar Tim Gemmell: Drums / Vocals Tom Charleson: Guitar Tim Baker: Trumpet / Synths / Percussion Jonny McClean: Sax / Percussion Adam 'Young Blood' Fuhr: Keys / Synths Tim 'Gator' Gillon: Bass

O-WEEK

Sassy

is coming to wake By Nigel Moffiet

Louis Ewen

photo by Anupam Singh

you from your slumber

A top dogg

By Matthew Cattin

With four acoustic appearances happening during O-week, Louis Ewen, AKA Lou Dogg, caught up with debate over green tea to talk influences, lying to his mum and smiling at old people.

Are you hanging out for a breezy, summery jam? Do some digging and download Sassy & The Pocketbook’s latest hit Slumber. Infused with funky reggae and singer Bex Nabouta’s soulful vocals, the song is a good introduction to an exciting upcoming Kiwi band. The group’s latest single just received NZ On Air funding for an upcoming video and the single also made it onto the latest Kiwi Hit Disc for radio play around the country.

With his formidable beard-dread combo, a lip stud and tattoos, Louis Ewen looks one part Ozzfest, one part Woodstock and one part Ragamuffin. With a list of influences as long as his beard, Louis is as diverse as they come. To save the ink in my pen however, he singled out four key players; Sublime, Bob Marley, Soulfly and Johnny Cash. It was with surprise therefore to discover he also fosters a huge love for classical music – a guilty pleasure of sorts. “I used to tell my mates and my mum I was going out to a party and instead go and watch the orchestra play by myself,” he confided. Pretty badass right? I know which of the two my mum would prefer I attend…

Sassy & The Pocketbook formed in 2010 and established themselves with regular appearances in Ponsonby’s Grand Central Bar – performing a range of soul/hip hop/reggae covers and original material that found a growing fan base as the venue was packed out every time they played. Sassy says the group formed quite casually “just by playing together on the scene in different gigs”. Soon she was writing her own songs and that’s when they “took it a bit further”. Sassy says they finished gigging at the Grand Central Bar in order to focus on the bands future.

Nowadays, Louis fronts local groove metal heroes Idyllic Foe, (winners of 2012 AuSM Battle of the Bands) gigs as often as he can and takes each day as it comes. When I asked him if he ever uses his rugged appearance to scare old folk and kids, his response summed up his friendly nature perfectly. “I purposely try and get a smile out of the old people eh”, he said, “I’m nothing like what I look like”.

Speaking to Sassy (Nabouta) ahead of her band’s AuSM O-Week gig, she says it’s good to be playing at AUT right before the release of their debut album. “The album is in post-production at the moment and we’re planning to release it around music month,” she says.

“We thought it would be better to finish the residency and move towards the album release and touring. We’re planning to head to Europe a bit later in the year and possibly Australia before that. But yeah, we’ll do some local stuff too,” she says. In the meantime, Sassy’s been soaking up the sun and likes catching up on some local music when she gets the chance. A day before we spoke she joined the crowd for the Summer Sounds concert – the year before she took the stage, but this time she was there to relax. “It was all really cool. Great show and packed out.” And any interests outside of music? “I’ve got three little kids which is pretty much a full time job. I guess just film and creative stuff, film festivals and things like that. And also I speak Fijian. My husband’s Fijian.” If you want to catch Sassy and the Pocketbook’s powerhouse set, check out the O-week Gig Guide.

Raised to the sounds of Sabbath, Cash and Presley (his mum’s housework tunes), Louis always dreamed of making music himself. His parents were supportive of his goals and he says they’ve loved everything he’s written. “The one thing in our household is that we were never told to turn the music down.” He spun a few yarns of his early days; singing in the church choir, playing sublime at parties (hence “Lou Dogg) and ditching his band and running off stage at rock quest due to a bit too much weed. Rock and roll.

Louis’ best gig memory was meeting the Prince of Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne, at the Ozzfest in Florida. Seizing the moment, he whipped out his upper arm and got it signed. He could have never washed his left arm again, but Louis went one step better. Stopping in at a tattoo parlour on the way home, he got the signature traced in ink to make it forever. That burning passion for everything music just oozes from Louis’ beard and when he gets all deep on me and says “music is to life as life is to music,” I definitely believe him.

For O-week, Lou Dogg will be toning down “metal Louis” and jamming the acoustic, his preferred axe of choice, at each campus. So really, nobody has any excuse not to be there. Amongst a few originals, he’ll be playing a bit of Sublime, Marley, Desmond Dekker, NOFX and Rancid, supported by a percussionist and bass player. So grab a beer and a sandwich and chill out in the sun to admire his mighty beard, dig on his dirty dreads and get yo’ groove on.

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O-WEEK

through to sex toys and chunky dunks. In fact the only thing really missing from Urzila’s shows are hecklers. “It’s actually bumming me out a bit. I’ve had hecklers but they’re positive ones so I don’t know if they count.” Despite being a hit with her audience however, Urzila still gets panicky before appearing on stage. “I always think ‘why didn’t I listen to my mother?! I should have stayed at my job!’”

When she gets on stage though, she looks anything but nervous – commanding the audience with her mischievous grin and suggestive expressions. When I asked her who she would love to have in the front seat of one of her gigs, she answered without hesitation. “Oprah Winfrey – why the fuck not man? It’s Oprah fricken Winfrey. If I could chain Oprah to Ellen and chain both of them to one seat, I’d do it.”

Urzila describes herself as a “mostly professional comedian” who loves short walks and sitting.

Urzila Carlson

Big, Bold and Beautiful by Matthew Cattin

“It’s the best job in the world,” says Urzila Carlson in her South African drawl. “You get to hang out with your mates, everyone has a great sense of humour, you get to have a beer before you go on, or even while you’re on stage, and everyone there just wants to have a good time.” Well you can’t argue with that. And fortunately for Urzila, she’s not the only person who enjoys her stand-up comedy – she has been named New Zealand’s best female comedian for three years running. Despite the title however, Urzila describes herself as a “mostly professional comedian” who loves short walks and sitting. So not only is she a comedian, she seems like a pretty fricken good motivational speaker as well.

Urzila left her home in South Africa in 2006 and after some difficulties with the width of the plane seats (her words, not mine), she touched down in New Zealand to start anew. Settling down in an advertising job, it wasn’t too long before Urzila was whisked into the wonderful world of Kiwi comedy. “It’s a little unreal when I think about it you know. It kind of hit me by surprise because comedy was never on my radar and now all of a sudden, boom”. A self-proclaimed ‘lesbitarian’, there’s not a lot of places Urzila’s selfdeprecating humour won’t go – from spiels about her ‘sexy’ accent

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On her quest for world comedy domination, Urzila has achieved a lot, having already performed at her dream venue at the Sydney Opera House and also toured the country as part of the hugely successful 7 Days. Her style is bold, blunt and devilishly cheeky, topped off by her diabolical South African twang. “The accent is 50/50 - some people love it some people hate it. I think people are more focused on what comes out of my mouth than what it sounds like – well I hope so anyway. I can’t deny that South African accents are pretty sexy though, if you’re into angry things…” Although she easily holds her own against the boys on 7 Days, Urzila hates being asked how it feels to be a female comic in a male dominated industry. “I’ve never been a dude comic so I don’t know,” she says. “They’ll [the media] say ‘she’s a female comic’ instead of saying ‘she’s a comic’. There shouldn’t be a difference and I don’t really think there is any. If you’re good you’re good, if you’re shit you’re shit.”

If she wasn’t a comic, Urzila says she would love to be an advisor for sports teams – a position she would most likely excel at due to an obsession with YouTube sports bloopers. However, with a full year ahead of New Zealand and international comedy shows, she mightn’t have the time to realise her dream. Instead, she’ll be keeping busy with the New Zealand and international comedy festivals, being the funniest woman in New Zealand and living the dream.

O-WEEK

Guy Williams

On Comedy, Enemies and Stripping by Nigel Moffiet

Before calling him, I wondered how awkward this phone conversation with Guy Williams would be. How weird would it get? Well, It wasn’t long into the conversation before he told me about his worst ever career experience – stripping off and gyrating in front of New Zealand’s most beloved athletes. Yep, it got pretty weird.

Nevertheless, I was speaking to one of New Zealand’s most promising young comedians. Last year Williams, 25, was given the honour of donning the country’s famous yellow towel after grabbing the 2012 Billy T Award which he describes as a “privilege and an honour”. I read that Williams updated the Billy T Awards Wikipedia page to include himself among other great Kiwi comics such as Cal Wilson, Ewen Gilmour, Brendhan Lovegrove and Dai Henwood. I asked him about this and he was quick to correct me. “I didn’t update the Wikipedia page myself, I made the Wikipedia page! When I was at uni I wanted to learn how to make a Wikipedia page and at the same time I had this real interest in comedy so I saw an opportunity there.” On the back of a successful year, Williams is looking forward to doing more comedy but admits he doesn’t plan too far ahead. For now his fingers are crossed for another season of TV3’s Jono and Ben and he is hard at work on his weekly Big Sports Weekend Round Up podcast with Dai Henwood and 2012 Billy T nominees Tom Furniss and Joseph Moore. Williams was speaking from Christchurch where he took part in the World Buskers Festival. He said he was excited to be there but sounded a little insecure about his talent as a comedian. “I’m the shittest show here to be honest. There’s all these people

doing unicycling and juggling and I’m here doing nothing really, just some talking. I would not recommend going to see me at all.” Of course a little bit of selfdeprecation is all part of the performance. The bill to his show reads: ‘’B-Grade Celebrity’ – Dominion Post 18/05/09’ and ‘’Tosser’ – Paul Henry (Australian Woman’s Weekly) 1/8/2010’.

So I had to ask him about the whole Paul Henry thing.

“I personally hate Paul Henry so it was great to attract other people who dislike him as well. Obviously a tosser is the best recommendation you can get,” he said with satisfied glee. In case you’ve forgotten, there’s a little bit of history between Williams and Henry – in 2010, Williams made national front page headlines after hoaxing his way onto TVNZ’s Breakfast show where he took on the character of a pro-whaling lobbyist for a made up organisation. He was interviewed by Henry and it ruffled a few feathers. It was a bold stunt for a then unknown comedian, but it worked. I asked Williams what it was like backstage before the prank and he says the most exciting part was getting to meet the prime Minister. “John Key did impress me that day with the way he handled me. I had to stay in character obviously, so considering I was someone advocating the farming of whales he was really good and knowledgeable on the subject. It changed my opinion of him a little bit,” says Williams who describes himself as left wing. At this point the interview was going smoothly enough. Not too weird, although he did reminisce about his own awkward on stage moments. For example, his dad once heckled him at a show. “Yeah my dad’s a dick. He thinks he’s funny but he’s not. “It was your classic dad just trying

to help out, trying to get a laugh. My parents aren’t that convinced with my comedy career, I don’t know if my dad really knows what a comedian is. The other day he said ‘there’s this amazing comedian down here in Nelson mate, you should have seen him! He had jokes and balloon animals for the kids and he had magic tricks.’ And I was like ‘yeah I’m pretty sure that was a clown, mate!’” Williams then went on to recall his worst ever experience, which took place only a week earlier, and it was at this point the interview got a little tacky and dirty, my mouth went dry and I thought about hanging up. Ending it there. But I had to hear just how low this Guy Williams would go. Real low.

So this is how the story goes: It started out as a kind gesture. He put his hand up to replace Rhys Darby who at the last minute couldn’t make a charity event. Or make that a not-so-kind gesture - he admits the charity thing kind of put him off. “They’re like, ‘it’s for charity’, and I was like ‘oh well if that’s the case I’m not that keen because I’m quite a self-interested person, normally I don’t care about other people.’”

He was soon given a pair of speedos and Target’s Brooke Howard-Smith instructed him to put them on. It’s at this point he recalls putting on a tracksuit with a Velcro strap and stripper alarms were ringing. “I was like okay this is going to be bad,” he says with a tremble.

“They then walk me into a studio where the All Blacks are and the biggest Olympians like Mahe Drysdale, Valerie Adams and Sarah Walker and shit and I had to strip off this tracksuit and gyrate in front of New Zealand’s best and most loved athletes.” Williams says this was the worst thing he’s ever done and it’s taught him to be more careful about what he signs up to in the future. I’m not so sure though – I think it was just some more self-deprecation from a really weird comedian. Really, I think he actually quite liked it.

www.ausm.org.nz

4.03.2013 - 15.03.2013 www.ausm.org.nz

City Campus

10.30 am 10.30 am 10.30 am 11.00 am 11.45 am 12.00 pm 01.30 pm

Bungee Run Mechanical Surfboard Gladiator Photobooth Free Feed Monax (Live Hip-Hop) Vesbar DJ Sessions

AuSM Tennis Courts

11.00 am 11.00 am 11.45 am 12.00 pm

7 MARCH Thursday

Inﬂatable Dodgeball Keg Racers Free Feed Lou Dogg (Acoustic) Vesbar DJ Sessions Welcome Back Party Drink specials, DJ, Bouncy Castle Free Feed (with purchase)

10.30 am Inﬂatable Bungee-O-War 10.30 am Human Fly 11.45 am Free Feed 12.00 pm Raiza Biza (Hip Hop) 01.30 pm Vesbar DJ Sessions 07.00 pm AuSM Comedy Night Urzila Carlson Guy Williams Justine Smith 07.00 pm Tahuna Breaks w/ Sassy & The Pocket book and Lou Dogg Free for AUT Students (With ID) $10 tertiary students $20 public

Awataha Plaza

10.30 am 10.30 am 11.00 am 11.45 am 12.00 pm

Mini Golf Prize Cube Free Feed Jarred Fell (Comedian/ Magician) 01.30 pm Vesbar DJ Sessions 04.00 pm The Vesbar Social Club Spacie Machines, DJ, Specials, Free Feed (with purchase) 5pm 10.30 am 10.30 am 11.45 am 12.00 pm 01.30 pm 05.00 pm

North Shore Campus

Inﬂatable Dodgeball Keg Racers Free Feed Lou Dogg (Acoustic)

10.30 am 11.00 am 11.45 am 12.00 pm

8 MARCH Friday

6 MARCH Wednesday

5 MARCH Tuesday

4 MARCH Monday

Hikuwai Plaza

Manukau Campus

Inﬂatable Dodgeball Keg Racers Photobooth Free Feed Lou Dogg (Acoustic)

10.30 am Mini Golf 11.00 am Photobooth 11.45 am Free Feed

10.30 am Bungy Run 11.45 am Free Feed 12.00 pm The AuSM Challenge

4.03.2013 - 15.03.2013 www.ausm.org.nz

City Campus

11.00 am 11.00 am 11.45 am 12.15 pm

Mechanical Bull Human Foozeball Free Feed YounG - World (Hip-Hop)

10.30 am 11.45 am 12.00 pm 04.00 pm 07.00 pm

Climbing Wall Free Feed Eating Competition Dj Andy Bitchinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Bingo

14 MARCH Thursday

12.00 pm The AuSM Challenge

10.30 am CLUBS Day Club Performances Club Stalls 10.30 am Mechanical Surfboard 11.45 am Cultural Food Day Free Feed 07.00 pm Guy Cater - Hypnotist w/ Comedian-Magician Jared Fell

15 MARCH Friday

13 MARCH Wednesday

12 MARCH Tuesday

11 MARCH Monday

Hikuwai Plaza

07.00 pm The Biggest Ever AuSM Foam Party w/ DJ CXL & Guests

Manukau Campus AuSM Tennis Courts

North Shore Campus Awataha Plaza

10.30 am CLUBS Day Club Performances Club Stalls 11.45 am Cultural Food Day Free Feed

10.30 am CLUBS Day Club Performances Club Stalls 10.30 am Mechanical Surfboard 11.45 am Cultural Food Day Free Feed

11.00 am 11.00 am 11.45 am 12.00 pm

Mechanical Surfboard Volley Ball Free Feed YounG-World (Hip-Hop)

10.30 am 10.30 am 11.45am 12.00pm

Climbing Wall Mini Golf Free Feed Eating comp

ARTICLE- Apocalypse Now

APOCALYPSE NOW. by Matthew Cattin

2012 – A Race Travesty. Oh those misguided Mayans. Not only did they overlook their own demise, they inaccurately predicted (or so the story goes) the end of days; December 21, 2012. Frankly though, a civilization built on slave labour and dependant on human sacrifice never gave me the impression they were in it for the long haul. But for some uncanny, ungodly, unfathomable reason, people all over the world took heed of the mad Mayans’ warnings – preparing for the end in grandiose style. When the asteroids missed their queue and the tidal waves gently lapped the beach however, the ‘end’ was heralded as the dawn of a new spiritual age. Can you spell cop out?

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The End is Nigh. In modern times, the end is discussed and predicted in a slightly more scientific fashion and on one thing the greatest minds on earth seem to agree – the human race is in very real danger. Professor Stephen Hawking believes our genetic code carries “selfish and aggressive traits” that will ultimately cause our demise. Our one chance at long-term survival he says is to colonise space thereby increasing our species’ chances. Renowned virologist Frank Fenner suggests in 100 years, the game will be up for humans because of overpopulation and environmental damage. It’s inevitable – put too many goldfish in a bowl, the water turns brown, and the fish float belly-up to the top. Of all the possible ways we could meet our maker, here are a couple of fun ones to keep your eye out for.

Minutes to MidnighT. In my opinion the most likely threat to the human race is ourselves, whether by nuclear or biological warfare or by abusing our environment until it runs dry. The University of Chicago is the home of the Doomsday Clock – a symbolic clock face which tells not the time, but rather how close the world is to global disaster. Initially created to gauge the likelihood of nuclear catastrophe post WWII, the clock’s time now factors in environmental damage. The closer the minute hand is to midnight, the closer we are to world destruction. In the 1950’s nuclear crisis, the minute hand was at its closest - two minutes to. Nowadays, it sits at a (relatively) comfortable 11:55. We can sleep easy kids.

ARTICLE- Apocalypse Now

It Came from Outer Space! Nobody can hear you scream in space. But to me that’s a relatively minor reason why it is TERRIFYING. Asteroids - big enough to cause milehigh tsunamis on impact - cruise by frequently. Solar storms fierce enough to scramble the world’s electronics could send us into the dark ages. Alien life could be eyeing us up greedily, death stars set to ‘obliterate’. With space, anything is possible. It’s dark, cold and without conscience or pity. Man is nothing but a mite clinging to a speck of dust, swirling through a dark and vast cave. Watching out for bats…

Don’t you just lava super volcano? As we keep being reminded, humans are, and forever will be, totally at the mercy of whatever tantrum the earth decides to throw. For us Kiwis, earthquakes and volcanoes in particular are part of our daily geological diet. In the past few centuries however, we are yet to witness planet earth truly throwing a wobbly. Super volcanoes, although they sound made up, are a thousand times more powerful than the regular lava-fizzlers. Lake Taupo was created by one. At Yellowstone National Park lies another. When Taupo last blew, a red sky was recorded in Chinese history. So it’s pretty serious stuff. Scientists predict the ash fallout from such an eruption would halt air travel for months, even years. And the worst case scenario? The ash blanket could block out the sun causing a global temperature plummet.

Ignorance is bliss. I have no doubt that if scientists do at some point discover a devastating threat to our existence, we, the general public, won’t know about it until the rumbling starts and the water starts receding. No, no – the governments would never allow that. And with good reason. If the end of the world was precisely predicted, to what benefit would that knowledge serve the human race? It wouldn’t if you ask me. In the world’s dying days, who is going to travel the speed limit? Chaos would erupt; violence, murder, rape, theft, unthinkable atrocities. If the human race is stripped of hope, what does it have to lose? No thank you - I’d much rather, when the world goes bye-byeblue, it has the decency to take us by surprise.

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ARTICLE- 10 Obvious Pieces

Go to class

No doubt this one has been rammed down your throat about a million times by about a million people. But really, they’re right. Sorry but you will have to go to class if you want to understand what you’re being taught; that’s what classes are for.

Budget your time

I won’t lie to you (we just met and all), you’re going to have a lot of work at university. And it’ll be coming at you from all different directions, like that time you were covered in jelly meat and standing in a group of cats. No? Just me? Right. Well in any case, you’ll need to learn to carefully dissect your day and allocate certain amounts of time to different subjects. It’s called time management and if you haven’t learned it by now, learn fast.

by Kieran bennett

When you start university for the very first time, everyone is full to the brim with advice for you. Do this, but never do that. Learn to fix a copier. Make friends with the janitor. Carry three highlighters. Make sure you have a lump of rosemary in your underwear, but only on Wednesdays. It’s overwhelming, and in all the confusion there are some pieces you can miss or not even realise until it’s all over. So here are 10 things that I really only truly comprehended at the end of my first year. 24

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But also budget your work

This was one that I struggled with in a big way until my second semester. You’ll be given a lot of extra readings, resources and other useful things that you should really take advantage of. But here’s the catch, unless you’re literally some kind of information absorbing robot (in which case 0100100001000101 01001100010011001111) there is way too much for one person to do and still remain sane. Look ahead to the assignments and (if you can) exams and base your work on those rather than attempting to do everything.

ARTICLE- 10 Obvious Pieces

Talk to your tutors

Your tutors are smart. That’s why they’re your tutors. You may not think so based on their tutorials sometimes, but trust me; your tutors know the insides and outsides and upsides and downsides of your subjects. Chances are they’ve already done them and know what to do. If you don’t understand something, send them an email and ask; or better yet, talk to them face to face. Not only does it make things a little clearer (hopefully) it also makes you look like a dedicated student. And in the real world if people think well of you, they will feel more inclined to slap nice, happy A's on your paper. Maybe the odd gold star (N.B. ‘Gold Stars’ or any other celestial bodies constructed of precious metals are NOT to be considered a valid grade - AUT Faculty).

It's okay to not understand things

Once in a while, no matter how much you pour over your books and burn the midnight oil, it just won’t happen. You won’t get it. You won’t understand. And that’s okay. University is not like high school, it’s supposed to be hard sometimes. Instead of fretting and throwing your papers up in the air crying “what’s wrong with me!”, take a step back, breathe, brew some tea (or other hot beverage) and do something else. University is for learning brand new things and sometimes, it's just hard.

Talk to other people in your course

If someone else is in your course, chances are they (hopefully) just went to that lecture on the thermodynamics of West African table legs, so why don’t you talk to them? Share ideas and discuss your course matter, there’s a high likelihood you’ll walk away with a better understanding of African furniture. And even if you don’t need clarification of advanced physical concepts, talk to them anyway; you might walk away with some new friends.

Money is to be saved, not spent

I lived and am still living at home so for those of you not living at home and paying some kind of rent, ignore me, I have no idea what I’m talking about. However for those of you who don’t have to worry about rent and other such things, save your money for things you need. Textbook? Need it. Beer? Don’t need it. More pens? Need it. Churro? Always need it.

Print at home, it's cheaper and easier

Paper and ink is not cheap, I’m hardly going to lie. But the (basically) one off cost of buying your own paper and ink is far more cost effective than paying for it at university. Sorry AUT, but your

printing is just far too expensive. There is also the added convenience of not having to wait in line to print, and when you print at home you’ll never end up grabbing someone else’s sheets by accident (editor’s note – unless your mum has been printing you holiday word finds again Kieran)

There’s no such thing as doing it tomorrow

I may or may not be the kind of college student that left things until the last moment, handing things in the day after with nothing more than a pleading word and a thankful smile. Not so at university. Should you fail to hand something in, you will fail. Running off this, if you have something to do, just bloody do it. Saying you’ll do something tomorrow is not a good idea as chances are you’ll receive yet another thing to do the next day and your work will pile up and pile up until you’re utterly buried and your hair is ablaze. Well, things might not get that bad, but is it really worth the risk?

Seriously, go to class

It deserves repeating, but you should go to class. You might find them boring but think of it this way, you’re paying $5000 to take exams if you don’t go to class. Even if you feel like the coolest kid on the block with your snapbacks and Kanye glasses and you know it all, go to class. If you’re going to pay and take the time to come to university, why would you not try and get as much as you possibly could out of it? Going to university but not classes or lectures is like buying an ice cream so you can eat the napkin.

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Fashion - Patrick's Bible Of Fahion

by Patrick Ryan

Yeah-ah! It’s your boy P-Swagzle, I’m the mothercluckin’ P.I.MP when it comes to fashion! Are you ready for the K.O.C? King of Cute that is, what were you thinking? Okay so picture this, I’m sitting in front my computer peering at the pigsty that is my neighbor’s garden (who I suspect runs a successful marijuana business from the comfort of his own home) in small town New Zealand. Not the most conducive environment for writing an article about the Avant-Garde fashion of 2013, is it? I literally couldn’t be further from the glitzy fashion capitals of the Northern Hemisphere and yet I’m trying to write an inspired article about the trends one ought to be wearing this season. Well the thing is, I can’t! Instead here are some points about the state of fashion at the moment, in my head anyway.

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1). There are no trends

The general consensus in the industry (pompous much?) is that this season lacks any noticeable trends. Sure there is a bunch of trends just like any other, but they’re harder to spot than Taylor Swift without a guy on her arm (home girl gets around). This is due to the plethora of older trends clogging up the marketplace. I mean it’s incredible that these trends have managed to stay popular for such a long time but they have quite frankly overstayed their welcome. Just look at the lifespan of the Rock n’ Roll inspired trend for studded apparel! It’s been flippin’ yonks and these renegade studs continue to move around the body! Enough already! Trends like these have created a cesspool of fashion, in which everything is incredibly mixed up and well, cesspoolish. Seriously though, there are literally so many old trends flitting about. What they need to do is grow some cojones and off themselves. No one even likes you Litas! There, I said it!

2). It’s black, it’s white

Hang on a minute, I lie! Black and white is rather conspicuous this season. For a while I was puzzled at how something so banal could be a trend. Aren’t clothes of the black and white variety produced every season? How can two non-colours constitute a trend? Well I used my deducing abilities to solve this mystery and here’s what I came up with: The consumers subconsciously want a breather from all the eclectic styles, which have bombarded their eyeballs season after season. They want a break but they also want to cleanse their palate for the fashion delights to come. Cue black and white. This trend is basically performing the same function as an apple sorbet in French cuisine – masking the taste of other flavours, or in this case relaxing exhausted fashionistas. I’m actually chuffed with this trend because everybody looks so damn classy in black and white. That being the case however, some people might consider this a mundane colour scheme to wear. Fear not my offspring, you don’t have to look boring in these colours! What you can do (and what I’m doing with black and white) is use your styling skills to stand out from the crowd. How about a totally black outfit with hints of white and then colourful trainers on your feet? Nifty huh?

3). Just BEEEE yourself

The first commandment in the P.I.M.P’s fashion bible is ‘Let fashion be a reflection of who you are as human being’. I think that’s a tune we can all groove to, don’t you? With overreaching trends passé this season, what better time than now to start dressing as an individual. Think about this for a second: you’re unique; you’re rarer than a white rhinoceros in fact because unlike that poor endangered critter there’s only one of you! Appreciate your individuality because it’s the best possession you can ever own. Period. Thus, what I’d like to see you guys doing is creating your own personal brand,

Fashion - Patrick's Bible Of Fahion

Interesting Prints

which represents you. People don’t really tell you how do this because it’s actually hard to teach. Not to mention it’s a fairly arduous process as well. But don’t worry; this fairy godmother’s got your back! I’m going to elaborate on this subject in a future article because it’s just too big of a topic to cover here! However, I will say that you basically create a concept for yourself that encompasses everything: food, music, design and fashion (amongst other things). My P.B for example is all about cuteness; I excrete cuteness left right and centre. The thing is having a personal brand makes clothing choices and life decisions in general just way easier. It also makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and who doesn’t like that feeling? One last thing: There’s a fine line between dressing in an individual way and looking like a raving lunatic (no, not a partying one). I mean don’t wear melting tights for example, just don’t! They’re tré unfortunate.

Lately I’ve seen a lot of pieces of clothing with interesting prints including suits of cards and other easily recognisable shapes such as stars. My advice is to find something with a black and white print. Firstly, because the contrast is really nice and secondly because you’ll be on trend.

Cray Cray Socks

‘Happy Socks’ are to blame for creating a plethora of socks so loud you need a hearing aid after coming into contact with them. ‘Lazy Oaf’ do really eclectic ones which I’m quite fond of.

4). Rise of the Sino-hipster

Another byproduct of China’s growing middle class, together with rice fields full of Mac-Mansions, are these Ivy League educated, second generation ‘cool kids’. My glass-ball predicts they will exercise an even stronger influence on global fashion this year. The reason for this prediction - there’s absolutely nothing holding back their formidable advance. With ties to virtually every nation-state on Earth and the world’s leading industrial centres at their doorstep they are incredibly well placed to create an epic empire of coolness. How will they do this, you ask? Through the magical-ness of online shopping of course. I’ve already found a bushel of Chinese brands on the Internet that I positively adore and I’m sure I’ll discover many more in the upcoming months. Now people of New Zea I know you’re not fond of criticism but you can be kind of insular sometimes. No offence (flinch). Please fair citizens I implore you, put and end to this cliché and don’t scoff just because I’m talking about the Orient. Embrace Asia! Nurture Asia! Make passionate love to Asia (if you want) because I swear-to-Mao these brands are fantastic and I’m positive many a cool cat in Auckland would want a piece of these fashion pies. Go home Patrick, you’re drunk! Anyway, y’all have a vitally important decision to make this decade. You can embrace the Chinese while they’re being nice or be conquered against your own free will; it’s really up to you. Btw I might be a communist spy, I just don’t know it yet!

FYI you guys don’t actually have to listen to me. Half of you probably won’t anyway due to the fact that I’m not an Aucklander! Just humour me big city folk. P.I.M.P is blasting off again!

Coloured Studs

If you would like to go down this long trodden path make sure you do it in a fresh way - choose coloured studs. They still make a statement but in a nonchatlant way, I mean no-one wants to be a try hard!

Bomber Jackets

I recently saw these populating a lot of runway shows. I’m so happy because there are millions, no, billions of these to choose from on the internet! This means you can still look chic but at a fraction of the price!

Chains as embellishments

Chains are everywhere! Adorning shoes à la Raf Simons Spring/Summer 2013, on shirt collars and accessories. Instead of banal gold try finding something with a metallic coloured chain.

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REVIEWS

Alabama Shakes | Powerstation ◊◊◊◊◊ Reviewed by Matthew Cattin

Red Hot Chili Peppers | Vector Arena ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ (A fuckin’ +) Reviewed by Kieran Bennett

The reason my bank account is usually two figures (including the number after the decimal) is because I am mad about gigs. If I like the band, I go – hoping Mum will be sweet with another loan. Therefore, I have seen quite a number of bands in my time. I’m getting harder to satisfy and surprise – easier to critique. So it was with some surprise that a little known, female-fronted band from good ol’ Alabama blew me right out of the water.

What do you want me to say? That the acoustics were bad (as per Vector Arena)? That the crowd was pushy? These things are true, but on January the 14th, I really didn’t give a shit. The Red Hot Chili Peppers made their name playing the clubs and bars, performing for several years in smaller venues to smaller crowds before releasing their first album. It’s now been over 20 years, and The Chilis are anything but a small time club band. Playing to a sold out Vector arena; the show was a spectacle in tight, funky rock that hasn’t aged a day.

After an excellently cheerful and cheerfully excellent set by Kiwi Jesse Sheehan and his band, Alabama Shakes rose to the occasion, starting off delicately with Goin’ to the Party before charging into a flawless set of fan favourites. Having secured the middle of the barrier a few hours earlier, I was now patting myself on the back enthusiastically because that girl has one serious pair of lungs. The name is Brittany Howard and take note, because she is going places. Her live vocals are flawless, the best I have ever seen. Her expressions and stage presence are captivating, charismatic and relaxed – completely comfortable with the band’s startling rise in popularity. And the songs kept coming, 18 tunes after just one album was more than I hoped for – the new ones going down just as well as the old.

Salvation and musical satisfaction came soon enough however when the first thundering and rolling drums of Monarchy of Roses blasted through Vector Arena; prompting a deafening roar from a craving crowd. For the next two hours the Chilis utterly killed it, switching from song to impromptu jam to song, each one more cohesive and groove inducing than the last. Bass player Flea was in his normal finger strumming, stage owning mode; cruising up and down laying down bass lines slicker than a lubed up…well, yes. He and drummer Chad Smith worked in tandem through the night to bring rhythm section to life. Their talents were on full display during 1999 album Californication’s opener Around The World with Smith hitting every drum with precision and flair and Flea finger picking like a man possessed; giving a furious energy to an already energetic song.

Alabama Shakes are a bluesy five-piece breathing new life into the sounds of 1960’s soul divas; Aretha Franklin, Janis Joplin and Etta James. Their 2012 debut album Boys and Girls achieved widespread critical success and conjured up an adoring fan base (myself heartily included). Popping over to play Mt Eden’s Powerstation as part of the Big Day Out side shows, the shakes had one day in New Zealand to recover from their flight, find their bearings and give it their all in the show – and give it their all they did.

A special mention has to go out to the bass player, Zac Cockrell – a big-bearded, solid bloke who just loves every second; facials on full beam and just chilling at the back beside the drum kit. If only all bass players were this fantastic to watch.

I honestly haven’t been as excited at a gig in a long while and the sold out Powerstation seemed to agree. Brittany fed off the energy, levitating on it, her powerful voice more emotive than any I’ve heard at a gig. Incredible. Do not miss the next opportunity to see this band. ....................................................................................

Dimming the lights at 6.00 and allowing for three hours of openers and intermissions, The Chilis certainly knew how to build anticipation and drive up desire for themselves. First opener Gary Clarke Junior came out and wailed with his voice and guitar in a blues/rock inspired outfit; laying down solo’s that would have made Paige proud. One to watch? Most certainly. Second openers OFF! however were decidedly not as good, screaming and thrashing their way through a 30 minute set that was 30 minutes too long.

John Frusciante’s replacement for the latest album, Josh Klinghoffer, has copped a large amount of flak for, well, not being John Frusciante. The argument being that he doesn’t play or bring the tender emotion to some songs like Frusciante did. That night however, Klighoffer silenced any New Zealand doubters he may have had, playing every number with his own, psychedelic-tinged style - while still retaining the essence of each number. Real band chemistry could be felt between songs when The Chilis abandoned the set list and just played whatever came to mind but sadly the low point of the night was lead singer Anthony Kiedis, though it may not have been his fault. While he was still on top form, rapping and softly signing with his usual energy and sensitivity; it seemed to take a while for him to fully warm up. The Chilis came to Vector Arena and played a hell of a show that would easily put many new bands to utter shame. The sound of 12,000 people singing along to a pain-filled and emotional rendition of Under the Bridge that managed to capture its timeless dismay at being alone and having to move on; is certainly a unique one to The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

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REVIEWs

Django Unchained Starring: Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz & Leonardo Di Caprio Directed by Quentin Tarantino

◊◊◊◊◊ Reviewed by Nicole Koch

“I’m curious what makes you so curious.” Django Unchained is the latest of Quentin Tarantino’s takes on historical fiction, this time around focusing on the abolishment of slavery and the return of power to the blacks. Or rather, returning power to one particular black cowboy hero, Django. The film is set in 1858 and thereafter, taking place in the antebellum South two years before the American Civil War. Although Tarantino shows us what slavery was like in some of its more gory aspects, this is merely a backdrop for the storytelling. Essentially, the film follows Django’s quest to rescue his wife back from the life of slavery she has been sentenced to. The style of the film immediately strokes Sergio Leone’s Spaghetti Western films, with its bombastic soundtrack and block fonts. Nonetheless, the film’s frivolous violence, unnecessary dialogue, rich colours and unpredictable storyline still marks it unmistakably Tarantino. The first sequence introduces us to a line of slaves being walked through rugged southern countryside, chained by their feet. The mysterious and eloquent Dr. King Shultz, who travels on a horse-drawn dentist cart, kicks off the story by purchasing Django and unchaining him from the group of slaves. Shultz is an immediately likeable character with his rogue personality and way with words. “Among your company, I’m led to believe there is a specimen I hope to acquire.”

There is a rather fine collection of renowned actors in Django Unchained to get excited about. Django, the ex slave is played by Jamie Foxx, who spends the majority of his time with Shultz, played by Christoph Waltz. Together the pair team up as bounty hunters before their escapade in retrieving Django’s woman from the villain Calvin Candie, masterfully portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio. Candie is an aggressive and violent racist who owns a plantation known as Candy Land. He is also in charge of recreational slave fighting; buying and selling blacks to fight to the death. Samuel L. Jackson also makes a hilarious and offensive appearance as the plantation’s butler Stephen. The dialogue is snappy and beautifully fashioned - each scene taking its time to amuse the audience with its drawnout dialogue and rich, grisly humor. The film strolls forward enjoyably, however, when the film reaches its climax in the plantation scene, it does not pick up speed. The pace is slack. It does not soar to a heroic end, but rather rattles and clatters and erupts into a blood-splattering conclusion. Django Unchained is the second of three historic films that Tarantino wishes to release. Although the telling of history is pretty loose in his films, Tarantino’s job is to entertain, and that he does!

The Impossible Starring: Naomi Watts, Ewan McGregor and Tom Holland Directed by Juan Antonio Bayona

◊◊◊◊◊ Reviewed by Matthew Cattin

I groaned aloud when I heard a Boxing Day tsunami film was in the works. I pictured an hour and a half of CGI mediocrity, Yankee heroics, tasteless nudity and grisly ends. However The Impossible trailer promised a different product all together – an incredible looking wave, a solid cast and a refreshingly micro focus on the massive event. My outlook changed from annoyed to respectful immediately – this didn’t appear to be the typical disaster movie i.e. Piranha 3D but with waves instead of teeth.

From the opening credits, I was perched on the edge of my seat, cautiously awaiting the inevitable rumble. Thankfully, Spanish director Juan Antonio Bayona ended the miserable suspense quickly with the fatal wave storming in at around the 10 minute mark. Even still, it was upsetting enough watching excited vacationers for just that short amount of time. The film, rather than focussing broadly on the ensuing chaos like so many disaster films, instead draws you in tightly to the true story of one family. Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor star as the parents of three young boys, all fighting their own battles of survival and courage against the wave that tore them apart.

Perhaps the real star of the film though was the wave itself. Rather than be lame and go for the CGI option, the effects team persevered for months to generate artificial waves that look absolutely spectacular. The sights and sounds of the dirty water bowling palm trees and breaking glass is frankly nightmare inducing. It all just feels so real that it could all pass as actual footage. Good cinema deals in illusions and when CGI is done poorly, the illusion disappears and you snap out of the magic. Not so with The Impossible. It really is a masterpiece in cinema ingenuity. I imagine it will do to island tourism what Jaws did to swimming. Nice one Juan.

I won’t give away the family’s fate but I will say that after doing a spot of researching, it seems to be very accurate to what really went down that day. I’m still a bit confused as to why English actors were chosen to play an Englishspeaking Spanish family but whatever – the cast did a great job nonetheless. While it doesn’t focus heavily on death, gore and grief, The Impossible, remains a harrowing watch that isn’t for the faint hearted. I’m willing to wager the flooding landscape won’t be the only water flowing in cinemas so take tissues or wear concealing glasses – shit gets real. ....................................................................................

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OPENING FEBRUARY7 MOVIE43MOVIE.CO.NZ

‘Movie 43’ is coming to cinemas February 7, and Roadshow Films and debate are giving you the chance to WIN 1 of 30 double passes to the film. From the twisted minds of producers Peter Farrelly (Hall Pass, Shallow Hal) and Charles Wessler (There’s Something About Mary, Dumb & Dumber), comes Movie 43-- the outrageous new ensemble comedy starring some of the biggest names in Hollywood. Movie 43 is not for the easily-offended and contains jaw-dropping, sometimes shockingly disturbing, but always entertaining intertwined storylines you’ll have to see to believe. To enter the draw email your Name, Student ID# with 'Movie 43' in the subject line to: debate@aut.ac.nz

In Cinemas February 7 www.movie43movie.co.nz

Rating: R16 – Contains violece, offensive language, sexual material and other content that may offend.

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REVIEWs

Jack Reacher Starring: Tom Cruise, Rosamund Pike, Richard Jenkins Directed by Christopher McQuarrie

◊◊◊◊◊ Reviewed by Nigel Moffiet

Jack Reacher is a disillusioned bad ass who’s mostly on the right side of the law but isn’t afraid to dish out a little ‘justice’ when it’s called for. Being ex-military and all, he is angry at what he’s had to witness, resulting in some serious venting onscreen. Reacher, played by Tom Cruise, is dragged out of his anonymous existence after a man accused of a horrific murder spree claims his innocence and insists the investigators get hold of Jack Reacher.

The accused is James Barr (Joseph Sikora), an ex-army sniper who Reacher can’t stand due to some murky past dealings. Reacher initially makes contact with the investigators in order to close the case on Barr and have him put away. However, after a little digging and some persuasive discussions with Barr’s defense lawyer, Helen, (Rosamund Pike) who is keen to make a name for herself, Reacher soon finds things don’t stack up - Barr does in fact seem innocent. Helen is a good addition to the drama. Pike brings more dimension to the role than we are used to seeing in action/ crime flicks – i.e. the pretty blonde being just some sweet filler for a romantic fling. In this case, Helen is a smart woman grappling with her father’s advice; it’s clear her relationships and her career are on the line in this case.

With this basic set up, the viewer can be prepared for some rollicking entertainment in a world of villains (one evil-eyed man played by none other than legendary director Werner Herzog) and good guys – but as Reacher warns us, don’t go calling him a hero: “You think I’m a hero? I am not a hero. And if you’re smart, that scares you. Because I have nothing to lose.”

And this brings me to Cruise’s performance as Reacher which had all the critics scorning. I haven’t read the books but I’ve learned Lee Child’s creation was six-foot-five, 250-pounds and built like a brick shit house. Some of you might say Cruise is a shit house but he’s definitely not built like one. That might be so, but he definitely has convincing acting skills to have you believe that no one messes with him and if they do, watch out! In one scene Reacher has to do what an ex-military cop has to do– he takes several guys outside of the bar for a fight because, hey, they asked for it! “Pay your check first,” Reacher warns one of them. “I’ll pay later,” he replies. “You won’t be able to,” says Reacher, cool and calm and admits he’s done this a few times before.

Silver Linings Playbook Starring: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro Directed by David O. Russell

◊◊◊◊◊ Reviewed by Matthew Cattin

I must admit I hastily dismissed Silver Linings Playbook as an avoid-at-all-costs sort of film. When the Academy Award nominations rolled in however, and the Cooper-Lawrence romantic comedy picked up eight, I realised not all was as it seemed. Apart from the supporting role of De Niro, it seemed like the run of the mill, “let’s put two of Hollywood’s hottest stars in a flick together” bullshit that usually gets tasteless gits grappling for seats. I was wrong but I must say I rather enjoyed eating humble pie – the film was delightful. After Pat Solitano (Cooper) beats up a man who was showering (and also pleasuring) his wife, Pat is sent to a mental institution and diagnosed with bi-polar. After eight months of help, Pat goes home to try and pick up the pieces, reconcile with his wife and get his old job back. However, with a restraining order keeping him from approaching her, Pat has to try other means of communication. Enter Tiffany (Lawrence), a dark and beautiful young widow with problems of her own, who offers to help Pat by forwarding on a letter to his wife. What follows is a hilarious, charming story of ups and downs that will both amuse and inspire. And unlike most films of its genre, it keeps the audience guessing right up until the end. Ka pai.

Perhaps my favourite thing about the film however, is that every character has some kind of ‘problem’. Despite this, nobody, apart from the leads, are prescribed meds or considered to be a ‘crazy’ – a nice touch which to me suggests that the problem of mental illness is more the attitude of a misunderstanding society than the illness itself. In fact director David O. Russell was drawn to the story as his own son has been diagnosed with bi-polar and OCD and he wanted to make a film in which the lead characters had mental illnesses – cute much?

With a fantastic supporting cast including Jacki Weaver from Animal Kingdom, Chris Tucker and the Bourne trilogy’s Julia Stiles, there’s plenty of bright characters to keep up the humour and pace. The soundtrack is pretty top notch as well featuring Alabama Shakes, Led Zeppelin and Alt-J – noooice. So if you’re feeling a bit dull or in need of a pick-me-up, this film will show you the silver linings you just might need. Get into it. ....................................................................................

Jack Reacher was entertaining, in fact it was funny and silly, often without intending to be, but in the end I was entertained.

.................................................................................... www.ausm.org.nz

Summer smoothies are a classic; but unfortunately, they usually leave you about $6 out of pocket at fancy smoothie bars. Making a smoothie yourself is fun, easy, and convenient - and it ensures you are munching down your daily dose of tasty fruit, thus it is the ideal summer treat.

Caption Corner

When people think smoothie, they usually think healthy (yet disgusting) fruit and vegetable concoctions that make one look like they live by the rules of some trendy diet. The fact of the matter is though; making them yourself means they can be healthy without costing you an arm and a leg.

Scott Clark via Flickr

When whipping up a smoothie, be as adventurous as possible. Throw ingredients in that shaker to your heart’s content - practically anything goes when it’s smoothie time. Vegetables can be an effort for some people to eat, as they can be downright expensive and require effort to prepare. Spinach is a great vegetable to add to any smoothie. Adding vegetables like beetroot and celery affects the flavour of smoothies, but spinach is virtually flavourless when added, and so it gives one a great dose of their daily vegetables without requiring any of the work. Apart from the green tinge it gives, spinach is practically undetectable once added, and your taste buds will be completely fooled.

Caption:

Name Phone Email Campus

Put your thinking cap on, turn it to the side, and come up with a caption for this week’s picture and you could win. Drop your entry into your nearest AuSM office, or the box on the side of the red debate stands, or post to debate PO Box 6116 Wellesley St before 12pm Thursday. What’s up for grabs? Two “squawk burgers” vouchers for Velvet Burger on Fort St, Auckland CBD.

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The smoothie recipe that follows is creamy, fruity, but not too sweet. Although it can be made without, the nut butter adds protein and tones down the sweetness, so try not to omit it. Enjoy!

Easy Summer Smoothie: India Hendrikse Makes 1 smoothie

- 1 cup of milk of your choice (soy milk, coconut milk, almond milk, or just regular milk all work really well) - 1 medium sized banana

- A handful of frozen berries (generally cheaper than purchasing fresh) - 1 teaspoon of nut butter of your choice (almond butter or peanut butter are preferable) - A handful of spinach (optional)

Optional: 1 tsp cocoa powder/1 tsp honey/1 tsp maple syrup

Procrastipage

10 Things Women’s Magazines Have Taught Me..

thisiswhyimbroke.com I’ve always thought if I happened to run into a huge sum of money, I would remain humble and live out a quiet, un-extravagant existence in a small house in the country. This website exposed this self-judgement to be complete bullshit. With a platinum credit card at my disposal, I would rape and pillage this website for all it is worth. Magic wand TV remotes, death star ice cube moulds, suit pyjamas – everything you could ever need to be a selfish bastard of a bachelor, and all without leaving the comfort of your Star Wars fighter spaceship bed.

Take up home-brewing There is nothing quite like cracking open a cold beer on a lazy Saturday afternoon. And at roughly a dollar a litre for a delicious home-brewed beer, knocking back your course related costs has never looked more enticing. With the kits available these days, you don’t need a lot of know how or cash to get yourself set up – in fact it’s surprisingly simple. Since I started brewing late last year, I’ve made four successful batches of beer and saved myself (and my family and friends) literally hundreds of dollars. And it’s a great hobby – sometimes I just sit and watch the bubbles.

Infect your friends! In anticipation of The Walking Dead’s upcoming episodes comes the Dead Yourself App, an app which zombifies photo’s in graphic, bloody detail. Get on board! Take photos and infect your friends, your lecturers and your pets.

Immaturity - I choose you! You’re never, I repeat never, too old to start a Pokemon adventure… Again. Prepare for late nights of intensive training, winning battles while you lose grades and above all, being the very best – like no one ever was *DUN DUN DA DUN!* If you sold your Gameboy back in 1998 to buy grown up things, never fear, every game is available online if you know where to look. For added amusement, try nicknaming your new Pokemon to a theme like Harry Potter characters, porn stars or Kiwi ‘celebrities’. Clueless Nintendo will then whip out a thousand unintentional jokes and you can chuckle alone to yourself while everybody else frowns at your sad, irritating addiction.

By Robert Vennell 1. I need a weekly update of the weight and physical appearance of all famous people. 2. The first thing I should do if I have an embarrassing or potentially harmful growth on my woman-parts is write to a gossip magazine.

3. My sole purpose in life is to attempt to look like a celebrity so that men will want to have sex with me.

4. The more pixelated the photograph, the juicier the scandal. 5. Kate and Pippa Middleton are endlessly fascinating and I must know what they are wearing and doing at all times. 6. I should take extra caution when exiting a limo in a dress, especially on those days I don’t wear underwear.

7. Women are superior to men in every way, but despite this they should put inordinate amounts of time, money and effort into pleasing them.

8. If I wear track pants or baggy clothes people will assume I’m pregnant. 9. Oprah is God.

10. Being incredibly wealthy is in no way compensation for the horror of being famous.

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student centre AUTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Student Centre provides information on applications and admission, fees and invoices, academic records, general enrolment, graduation, accommodation, orientation and student services. Contact the Student Centre by phone or email, or visit us at: City North Shore Manukau Hours Email Phone

AUT Student Services are here to help you get the most from your time at university. If you need assistance, want to get more involved with university life, or just need someone to talk with, then we can help.

WA level 2 (ground floor entrance) AG (ground level) MB building 8am-5pm, Mon-Fri studentcentre@aut.ac.nz 0800 288 864

Please contact us to find out more about the support we offer through these services: Chinese Centre

Disability Support

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2 X FREE PERSONAL TRAINER SESSIONS

PLuS yOu cAN PuT yOuR MEMBERShIP ON hOLd TWIcE duRING ThE yEAR PLuS go in the draw to win a 12 month membership at our Auckland city, Takapuna or Britomart club. One membership at each club to be won. Visit lesmills.co.nz/win-membership and fill in your details today. LES MILLS AucKLANd: 186 Victoria Street West, Auckland LES MILLS BRITOMART: 2 Britomart Place, Auckland LES MILLS TAKAPuNA: Shore City, Cnr Lake Rd & Como Street, Takapuna *Conditions apply. Offer ends Sunday 31 March 2013. See lesmills.co.nz/student-terms-conditions