debate issue 11 2012 by Debate Magazine

issue 11 2012

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CONTENTS 5

Editorial

COLUMN Top 10 antiheroes

Artist of the week Meg Cummins Sports Back to Square One: Finding a new Black Caps coach

NEWS 12 Students hit hard by public transport costs 16

17 18 23

20 22

24 25 26

AuSM Prez sez AuSM update Column How bizarre - Recent travel stories of the weird and wonderful New Zealand travel suggestions on a student budget Unknown land of milk, honey... and sheep HUMOUR The Unfortunate True Story of the Man and the Stingray Feature The Zen of Surfing in Aotearoa Christchurch: still worth a visit after all of these quakes Column A home grown KIWI bucket list A rugged escape: South Island’s upper West Coast How to be a successful facebook stalker

HUMOUR Cattin’s column

28 29

Chelsea C’s it

Fashion The MET BAll

32 Reviews 34 Vox Pops

This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.

on the cover:

Away we go! Meg Cummins

debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) disclaimer Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, PMP Print or its subsidiaries.

NZ AND ALL ITS QUAINT, SCENIC GLORY

debate letters policy: Letters need to make it into debate’s mailbox before Wednesday, 3pm each week for the following issue. You must give us your name when submitting letters to be eligible for letter of the week, but you can use a pseudonym for publication if you wish. Any letters longer than 250 words may be subjected to editing. The editor reserves the right to decline without explanation. Most importantly, the views contained on the letters page do not necessarily represent the views of AuSM. Send your letters to debate@aut.ac.nz or if you want to kick it old school, PO Box 6116, Wellesley St, Auckland.

EDITORIAL Some of my fondest travel memories are road trips with a few mates, a bombed out car, epic anthems (Springsteen, Petty) and a vague idea of where we might be staying or what we might be getting up to. Just take off on a Friday and return by Sunday.

Travelling New Zealand offers so many pleasures, and one of the greatest is the scenery. I once heard a British tourist describe driving around our country like driving through a beautiful painting. I would agree. It’s a small place, it doesn’t have the open, never ending vastness of other countries, but it has dramatic variety – you will never spend hours driving down a single stretch of road accompanied by the same scenery. You will eventually take a turn through some native bush, wind through some valleys and exit with a panoramic view of the coastline. What better place for a road trip? All this and I haven’t stepped foot out of the car yet! This would bring me to the beaches. Many Kiwis have their favourite beach spot, a very defining aspect of our culture – the jandals, the chilly bin packed with sammies and juice, while the kids tow along the boggie board or kick along a beach ball. I love visiting the Coromandel when the holiday crowds have passed. Nothing beats a bit of surf while kicking around in the sand all day. When the sun goes down, some of us are lucky to have a friend with a bach, or somewhere to chill and see out the evening with the BBQ sizzling and the beer caps popping. These are descriptions of how I’ve experienced New Zealand on a more regular basis, but in

2010 I was lucky enough to spend a few good weeks traveling around the North Island and make my way through parts of the South. There are still many places I’ve yet to visit, but I made an attempt as if it was part of my Kiwi duty. It was great fun kayaking around the Abel Tasman coastline, being struck by the remote beauty of Te Urewera National Park, exploring a number of off the track North Island beaches, playing on the Te Paki sand dunes, hitting up a number of camping spots and getting a general feel for a number of New Zealand cities. As an Aucklander, born and raised, it made sense to get a better feel for my country. Yet, the place that struck me most was the far north with its quiet, serene beauty. At the end of my trip, I made my way to Cape Reinga like a good little tourist. Standing on the northern tip of New Zealand, where the Tasman Sea meets the Pacific Ocean, is a proud place to be. The spiritual significance of the land adds to the drama – in Maori mythology, this is where the spirits of the dead come for their final journey. They travel through the roots of an 800 year old tree growing from the edge of the cliff which leads them to Te Ara Wairua, the ‘spirits’ pathway’ to their original homeland of Hawaiki. Before entering the final phase of their journey, they turn back to take one last look at the land they leave behind. In this issue of debate we look into some worthwhile places to visit in this great country of ours – the mid-term break is looming favourably. With a student budget kept in mind, there are still so many things to list, so we can only offer a few personalised suggestions. Go out, explore and enjoy!

Nigel.

reception

City Campus Level 2, WC Building 921 9805 Mon-Thurs: 8am-5pm Fri8am-4pm North Shore Campus Level 2, AS Building 921 9949 Mon-Fri: 8.30am-3pm Manukau Campus MB107 921 9999 ext 6672 Mon-Thurs; 9am-3.30pm

governance & leadership Kizito Essuman AuSM Student President 921 9999 ext 8571 kizito.essuman@aut.ac.nz

management

Sue Higgins General Manager 921 9999 ext 5111 sue.higgins@aut.ac.nz

advocacy

Nick Buckby Liaison Manager 921 9999 ext 8379 nick.buckby@aut.ac.nz

marketing

Kate Campbell Marketing and Communications Manager 921 9999 ext 6537 kate.campbell@aut.ac.nz

events

Carl Ewen Student Life Manager 921 9999 ext 8931 carl.ewen@aut.ac.nz

Letter

media

Nigel Moffiet Publications Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8774 nigel.moffiet@aut.ac.nz

sports

Melita Martorana Sports Team Leader melita.martorana@aut.ac.nz

vesbar

Zane Chase Vesbar Manager 921 9999 ext 8378 zane.chase@aut.ac.nz For a full list of contact details plus profiles of AuSM staff & student executive and information on clubs visit: Letter of the week wins A movie ticket for Event CinemaS!

www.ausm.org.nz

MATTEW CATTIN Sometimes in films, the line between hero and total bastard is blurred, and like a desperate tween fan girl we all love seeing a bad boy doing his thang. We love a hero who doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mind stomping heads or gouging eyes if they have reasonable cause. So this here is my tribute to those morally bankrupt, yet loveable, heroes who bring out the fan girl in all of us.

Spoiler alert

COLUMN

MEMORABILIA

THE LAST UNICORNS

Considering postgraduate study? Explore your options, meet our staff, find out about scholarships and discover new career prospects. Wednesday 30 May – Arts, Business and Economics, Education, National Institute of Creative Arts and Industries Thursday 31 May – Auckland Bioengineering Institute, Education, Engineering, Law, Liggins Institute, Medical and Health Sciences, Science

Find out more and register:

www.auckland.ac.nz/pgfair

Meg Cummins Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m a 3rd year Graphic Design student, majoring in illustration. I started learning digital art in high school, and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been drawing for about 3 years now. These days I mostly work in pastel, coloured pencil and ink. I would love to work in childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s book or comic illustration, or pretty much any field that involves drawing or storytelling. See more of my work at

megcumminsart.tumblr.com or http://cyancollective.com/portfolio/meg-cummins/

debate is looking for some super talented artists to profile. Do you know some artists at AUT who we should feature? Is it you? Get in touch with us today. Send in your work at debate@aut.ac.nz.

JIMMY HILLS BAnD

MONAX & POSSOM

THE ALTERED STATES

VANN DIZON

An AuSM Week

Photos by: Annupam Singh

MONAX & POSSOM AuSM’s MOVIE SCREENING OF : THE DICTATOR , 15th MAy

JIMMY HILLS BAnD

I never like sports debates that aim to find the greatest of all time. Who’s the best first-five the All Blacks have ever had? Who’s the best striker Manchester United have ever possessed? It happens every time an extraordinary player comes along and almost always ends up going nowhere. It’s impossible to compare players of different eras. Too many different variables come into play that naming someone as the best becomes utterly unfair. But there’s one debate that’s become extremely intriguing over the last couple of years, especially considering the amount of contenders there are for the title.

Federer the Great

Nadal: King of Clay

No Djok!

By many that claim to be in the know, Roger Federer is the best person to have ever played the game of tennis. It’s hard to argue with them too. If success is determined by Grand Slam titles, Federer is the most prolific. No other player in history has more. He’s incredible to watch. He’s like an artist, the way he floats around the court demolishing opponents efficiently with his aggressive play and unique one-handed backhand.

But surely you can’t be the greatest player of all time if someone else is better than you? You can hardly argue that Rafael Nadal of Spain has Federer trumped. It’s quite spectacular when these two do battle. Their fierce rivalry is like nothing else on the tour and the quality of play they produce against each other is quite noticeably in another stratosphere altogether. But Nadal always seems to have his number and usually finds a way to win. Nadal can nullify Federer’s aggressive and precise shot-making with some superhuman returns. So if Nadal has a winning record over the best player of all time, does this mean he is the best?

Apparently not. Enter Novak Djokovic. Here’s the man nobody entered into their calculations. When everyone was flapping their arms about how spectacular Federer and Nadal were, Djokovic comes in and trumps them both. I distinctly remember writing a tennis article this time last year about Djokovic’s good run of form and suggesting that he could soon become the new men’s number one player. But nobody could have predicted his run of form that was to follow. Not only did he beat Nadal in seven consecutive finals, but now holds the Wimbledon, US Open and Australian Open titles.

Now Novak Djokovic faces the final hurdle. Rolland Garros; the only Grand Slam title that Djokovic hasn’t won. If Djokovic does claim the title, he will hold all four Grand Slam crowns at the same time, which is something neither Federer nor Nadal have managed to achieve in their illustrious careers. But Djokovic is going to have a real fight on his hands.

Rolland Garros is better known as the French Open and is played in Paris. Of the four Grand Slam tournaments, it’s the only one to be played on clay courts. This generally suits the style of play that Nadal has and typically weakens the attacking prowess of more destructive shot-makers. Clay generally insulates the speed of the ball, making the players rely more heavily on tactical shot-making rather than trying to hit the ball into another dimension. The statistics? Rafael Nadal has only lost this tournament once since making his debut in 2005. Nadal won’t give up his title without a damn good fight. He’s the most competitive sportsperson I can ever remember witnessing in my lifetime and it usually takes an injury on his behalf or

SPORTS

an equally superhuman effort from his opposition to overcome him. And let’s not write off Federer too early either. It was he who eliminated Djokovic in the semifinals of this tournament last year. I could rattle off at least another ten extraordinary records and feats that these blokes hold, but none of them will get you any closer to finding out who is the best of all time. I think we should settle for the fact that we are possibly engrossed in a more entertaining three-way than any pornographic film company could produce. It’s times like these you start to feel sorry for players such as Andy Murray. Had he played in any other era, he probably would have had a number of Grand Slam titles to his name. Instead he is stuck with a big fat donut, and it’s just because he happens to find himself in the realm of three players who are simply on a completely different page.

Students hit hard by public transport costs Thalita Vasconcelos Dutra Alves

Feeling the pinch: Students dig deeper for transport costs

Recent increases in public transport costs have received mixed reactions from students. Last week many bus, rail and ferry services increased the cost of travel, with increases ranging between 10 cents and 90 cents per ride. Auckland Transport communications and public affairs manager Wally Thomas says these changes are the result of cost increases, particularly in fuel prices. “Petrol and diesel have reached record prices and of course that eats into the ability of our operators to run the business.” Thomas says another reason for these increases was the cost difference between trains and buses. “There was a general feeling that over the year’s rail fares have been increased more than bus fares. “We were trying to equalise those fares so that effectively rail passengers and general rate payers wouldn’t be subsidising bus passengers to the same extent as they had in the past.” Some students say these changes are not very significant. Auckland University of Technology (AUT)

Book a

student Jade Downes, 20, says she uses both buses and trains to get to and from university but only has to pay 10 cents extra each way. Downes also says because they advertised the changes quite well she was not caught off guard.

week, and does not see why it had to increase so much. “They did advertise it for quite a while, but I was still like ‘why are you doing this?’. “I think in the end it doesn’t matter because a lot of people need to use public transport to get to places.”

“...the increases mean passengers contribute more to the cost than just ratepayers.”

Another AUT student Marie Jacquet, 18, says she is annoyed at the fare changes.

“They did give out flyers at Britomart and it was on all the buses, I don’t know how else they could have advertised it really.”

Thomas says despite the fare increases public transport is still very subsidised, and still a lot cheaper than using a car.

AUT student Jonathan Chan, 23, says he feels the changes are not affecting him as he buys concession passes.

“If you’re a student 40 per cent of the cost of your travel is met by ratepayers, people who may not use the system.”

“I just pay it on the bus...I’m still not aware of it.” AUT student Raaza Ali, 19, says her bus fares have increased by $7 a

usm.org.nz

e at www.a holiday onlin

NEWS

“It’s just really annoying, [going from] $9 to $11 is unnecessary. “If I was paying for more efficiency it would have been fine [but] trains are inefficient sometimes.”

Thomas says the increases mean passengers contribute more to the cost than just ratepayers.

It seems a rite of passage for Kiwis to bugger off overseas basically as soon as we can scrape together the flight fare, but there seems to be a giant flaw in the plan here.

So, in case you’re planning a road trip soon or considering one for when summer rolls around again, here is my list of road-trip must haves, to ensure you have the best time of your life:

To illustrate my point, I’ll tell you a quick story of a group of Kiwis I met on the ferry from Croatia to Italy. We had been chatting for some time, and naturally the conversation headed directly to all the things we missed from home. I mentioned that, despite the beauty and uniqueness of the beaches of Europe, I missed places like Raglan, Piha and, my hometown, Mount Maunganui. Being Christchurch natives, they looked at me like I was speaking Croatian, and admitted, “Oh, we’ve never been to the North Island”. None of them. A group of four Kiwis, and none of them had been to the North Island, and yet here they were on the other side of the world.

It made me wonder just how prevalent this kind of travelling is? That people will happily travel to other countries no matter how far from their home but without having seen their own? I mean, it does seem like a wasted opportunity. This got me thinking of our small, jandal-wearing, rugby-loving, marmite-hoarding country and a possible student-friendly way of getting you out there and seeing what this place has to offer. And what better way to experience all the awesomeness that is the Land of the Long White Cloud, than a road trip!? My most recent road trip was heading down to Rhythm & Vines for New Year, and it reminded me how perfect this kind of trip is for really getting to see the true New Zealand, especially given the relative ease of driving from one end to the other.

1. Um, a car. But not just any car, ideally at least a four-door, relatively friendly on gas, and preferably with a funny number plate. 2. Tunes. I wanted to put this first on the list purely and simply because everything in life is better with music, however logic says car = important. Pretend you’re in the Breaks Co-op video, wind down the windows and belt out your favourite tune. Roadtrip playlist: Six60 – Don’t forget your roots Black Seeds – Pippy Pip The Felice Brothers – Frankie’s Gun The Temper Trap – Sweet Disposition Eric Hutchinson – Rock & Roll Jason Mraz – Living the Moment Tiki Taane - Summertime CCR – Lookin’ out my backdoor Youth Group – Forever Young Grupo Fantasma – Soltero I Am Giant – City Limits LEN – Steal my Sunshine Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers – Free Fallin’ The Cat Empire – Days like these

3. Co-drivers. Although this is not strictly imperative in order to have a good time – it does seem like a good opportunity to take your mates, or at least people who will laugh at your shocking in-car karaoke along with you, no? 4. Eats. Even if you’re not hungry, or not planning to be on the road that long, bring snacks. If for no other reason, you’ll be pleased you did if your road trip starts to turn into From Dusk Til Dawn… 5. A basic plan. Give yourself approximate dates and timeframes, but try not to restrict yourself to a definite plan – there is something to be said for flexability. 6. Camping gear. This doesn’t mean you have to be a serious, full-time camper, but it lends well to the above point of flexability. There are some amazing campsites all over NZ that, if the opportunity arises, you’d be a fool not to spend the night. A fool I say. 7. A great attitude. Don’t worry, this isn’t the outreach programme, but it is an important element in order to truly experience any place you travel to, here or abroad. 8. A small amount of disposable cash. Nothing worse than heading to a new place and having the opportunity to try something you’ve always wanted to do (bungy jumping in Queenstown, snowboarding at Ruapehu, dune buggying at 90 Mile Beach) and not being able to because you’re skint. Use this as great motivation to possibly camp a few nights as above or make your own dinner instead of eating out once or twice. 9. Student ID. This puppy is more handy than you could ever imagine, providing awesome discounts on a range of things all over our lovely country. University towns like Hamilton and Dunedin will always have great deals for students. 10. Camera. You wanna remember this shit.

COLUMN

crossword Correctly identify the five differences in the two photos then circle them and drop your entry into your nearest AuSM office, or the box on the side of the red debate stands, or post to debate PO Box 6116 Wellesley St before 12pm Thursday. What’s up for grabs? Two “squawk burgers” vouchers for Velvet Burger on Fort St, Auckland CBD.

Across

Down

1. Inverse (10) 7. Curt (7) 8. Crib (3) 9. Sentinel (6) 10. Hinge joint (4) 12. Remedy (4) 13. Cask (6) 16. Mythical bird (3) 17. Fishing boat (7) 18. Duty (10)

2. Bizarre (9) 3. Disregard (6) 4. Wealthy (4) 5. Nimble (5) 6. Arithmetical operation (4) 8. Lowest female singing voice (9) 11. Empty (6) 12. Freight (5) 14. Entice (4) 15. Male deer (4)

Name Phone # Email Campus

CONGRATULATIONS! to our issue 10 winner

Anne Wu

Manukau Campus

How many words of three letters or more can you make during your lecture from the letters above? (5-7 average, 8-15 good, 16-24 excellent)

turn to page 34 for answers

2 tablespoons olive oil 415g can Baked Beans 1 onion, finely chopped 2 garlic cloves, crushed 500g minced beef 2 tablespoons tomato puree 2 large red chillies, chopped 1 teaspoon hot chilli powder 2 teaspoons dried mixed herbs 400 chopped tomatoes

Heat the oil in a large pan; add the onion and garlic and cook over medium heat for 5 minutes or until softened. Increase the heat to high and add the minced beef. Fry, stirring, for 5 minutes or until browned all over. Stir in the tomato puree, chillies, chilli powder and mixed herbs and continue to cook for 5 minutes. Add the tomatoes and beans, bring to the boil, cover and simmer for 30 minutes or until the beef is tender.

3 cups frozen vegetables 1 small red onion, sliced thinly 200g Tegel Smoked Chicken Bacon 1-2 cooked potatoes, sliced 8 eggs, beaten 50g feta cheese

1. Preheat oven to 180째C. In an oven-proof frying pan heat frozen Vegetables for 2-3 minutes until cooked and any liquid has evaporated. Remove from pan and set aside.

Transfer the chilli con carne to a serving bowl and top with the soured cream.

N.B.

You can easily add Guacamole and nachos to make a great Mexican style feast. OR for a Vegetarian option take out the Mince and add more veges.

Dear x No, this is not true. You can get chlamydia in the throat through oral sex and then pass it on to your next sexual partner. Recent surveys show that 10% of AUT students tested for chlamydia were positive. This is no joke. Chlamydia infection causes pelvic inflammatory disease that can lead to years of pain and eventually infertility. Using a condom will protect you against Chlamydia infection. You should use a condom every time you have sex that includes oral, vaginal and anal sex.

2. Add a dash of oil to pan if needed. Cook onion and Tegel Smoked Chicken Bacon until just browned. Remove from pan and set aside. 3. Add sliced cooked potato to the pan and arrange to make a base and return onion, chicken bacon and vegetables to the pan. Pour over the beaten egg and season with freshly ground pepper. 4. Place in oven for 15-20 minutes or until egg has set. Crumble with feta and serve with crusty bread.

AuSM Student President

Hello debate readers, It’s another week and I hope you are all doing well with your various commitments and preparing vigorously for your final exams. We held an election during our AGM last week, and the current vacant positions excluding the Postgraduate Affairs Officer were filled. I would like to congratulate Straan and Krystal-Lee, who will be joining the AuSM Exec Council as the Culture & Society and Te Ara Poutama Faculty representatives respectively. The Postgraduate Affairs Officer position is still vacant so if you are a postgraduate student and you are interested in this position then please contact me. The campaign to help children with cancer and their families is still on. It has always been my passion to help people especially children fight the big ‘C’

disease. As your student president, I have grown my hair nearly six months and I will be shaving it next week Thursday to help raise some funds for these courageous kids fighting with cancer. AuSM Vice President, Nate and I would be shaving our heads on Thursday, 31st June at the Hikuwai Quad. Please help us meet our target of $10,000 by donating online at the donation page http://www. fundraiseonline.co.nz/AuSM/. You can also donate offline by contacting me. Every dollar or contribution you raise or donate goes directly towards supporting these families. Lastly, thank you to everyone who attended the AuSM AGM. For attendance record, we had 76% more than quorum which was a great turnout. Till next time, have a great week! Your Student President.

Our Condolences To The Boston University Students It was such a shock to hear of the sudden death of Austin Brashears (AUT student) and his two other friends in a fatal car accident on Saturday morning near Turangi. We are saddened by the news and on behalf of AuSM I would like to extend our heartfelt sympathies and condolences to Boston University, relatives, friends and the loved ones of the deceased. Our hearts are with you in this time of sorrow and so are our thoughts and prayers during this tragic time. Austin Brashers was a Boston University student on an exchange programme with AUT University as part of an International study abroad programme. Our sincere condolences also go to the families and friends of the other two international students, Daniela Lekhno and Roch Jauberty of University of Auckland who unfortunately lost their lives as well in such a great tragedy. We also wish the injured a speedy recovery. AuSM is working closely with the AUT Office of University Relations/International Student Support Service, so we will keep you all updated on the details of memorial services and condolence books of remembrance. With deepest sympathies Kizito Essuman AuSM President

Welcome New Exec Members! Two new members were elected on to the AuSM Student Executive Council at last week’s AuSM AGM. Congrats to KrystalLee Brown the new Te Ara Poutama Faculty Representative and Straan Wadsworth the new Culture and Society Faculty Representative. There is still a vacancy for the Post-graduate Student Officer. If you are interested in this role contact Kizito: kessuman@aut.ac.nz, or visit him at his office in WC202. Clubs Corner The Clubs Corner is now open in the AuSM City office. Come and use this great resource for your club – it’s equipped with everything you need! Get your game on Vesbar now have all your fav games! Fancy a bit of Jenga between classes? How about showing off your vocab skills in scrabble? Or you could just keep it nice and easy with good ol’ Connect Four! Free to play! Don’t stress out – Chill out! AuSM want to help you destress during this busy time of year so next week we will be on your campus providing hot drinks and brain-food to keep you going! AuSM will be at Manukau all day Monday, North Shore all day Tuesday and City Wednesday – Friday, come and see us where the Free Feeds usually is.

How bizarrE recent travel stories of the weird and wonderful

In January, a 56 year old Cypriot monk was detained at an airport after Athens security agents discovered a skull and skeleton in his bag. The monk claimed the remains were of a sainted nun. Turned out it was just a normal, run-of-themill nun who had died four years earlier. Sorry, dude. You got conned big time. The monk was charged with theft and “desecrating the dead”, and was suspended from his duties at the monastery for three months for leaving town without permission.

A 53-year-old Dallas hairdresser passed through an Atlanta airport’s security checks without any issues in September, but agents ended up chasing her down as they had forgotten to inspect her hair. “They said ‘We have to check your hair for explosives’ and I thought they were kidding me” Isis Brantley told a local news station. “I just thought it was a joke…everyone was shocked.” Just how big was this lethal ‘fro’? Brantley reportedly hadn’t cut her hair in 41 years.

A U.K. immigration officer found the ultimate coping mechanism for dealing with a shit marriage: putting his wife on the terrorist “watch-list” while she was away in Pakistan visiting her family. This plan actually worked, keeping his wife stuck overseas for three years. He was busted in February and lost his job immediately.

When he was turned away at security because he didn’t have a photo ID, a Columbia University researcher leaped over the check-in counter at New York’s JFK Airport and tried to ride the luggage conveyor belt onto the plane. The New York Post reported that the man said he specialised in researching “human impatience.”

A flight attendant on a Virgin Blue flight from Fiji to Sydney was fired in March for putting a toddler in an overhead cabin. He claims he was just joining in with the boy’s father, who was playing peek-a-boo with the 17-monthold child, and “got a little carried away”. The toddler wasn’t physically hurt, though three months later he apparently began “suffering from anxiety”. The mother claims she is so traumatized by the event that she couldn’t possibly ever use the three free flights the airline gifted her. COLUMN

In February, according to the Wall Street Journal, the Ukraine government formally opened the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster Chernobyl to tour groups. Nearly 6,000 people a year were already reportedly visiting the site illegally. A government spokeswoman (who remained nameless) said experts were developing official tour routes that were “medically safe”.

When Comtel Air (an Austrian charter airline) went out of business in November, 180 people were left stranded in Austria on a flight from Amristar, India, to Birmingham, England. The flight was on a stopover in Vienna when it was announced the airline had officially gone broke. The passengers on board were escorted to ATMs in the airport to pool together and withdraw $31,500 to get the plane back into the air. The bankrupt airline has vowed to reimburse them…someday.

A Czechoslovakian man was arrested in Argentina in December for trying to board a transatlantic flight while carrying 247 live animals packed tightly into his suitcase. His cargo included snakes and reptiles. There were 15 venomous snakes, including young boa constrictors, and most of the animals in the suitcase were rare and endangered. Karel Abelovsky, 51, will be charged with attempted smuggling and faces up to 10 years in prison if he is convicted.

Laurene Jooste So, as I am the self-proclaimed queen of metaphors,

I have taken it upon myself to bless your eyes with a feast of my experiences upon stepping foot in this small yet majestic country of Hobbits and pineapple lumps. I first came to New Zealand many an age ago. I was about 10 and to be honest, when I first heard we were moving to New Zealand, I had no idea where that was. I had never even heard of it and I still didn’t know where it was for about two years after moving here. As English is actually my second language, for the first year, I came off as the most sweetest tempered child in the world – I was every teachers’ dream: quiet, always maintained eye-contact when being addressed and never spoke out of turn; for my sake we will ignore the fact that when I first got here, my English was still very rudimentary and half the time I didn’t understand the words she was using when speaking to me. But even at a young age, I was a master of subterfuge, knowing full-well the many doors nodding and just agreeing can open for you. I shocked people by my knowledge of air rifles in year six (I’m from South Africa, so a basic knowledge is scraped into our DNA before we even exist… kinda like Chuck Norris), as well as being a master at hiding my slightly eccentric and super energetic personality long enough to be given a good end of year report. I still remember first hearing the words ‘Mufti Day’ and seeing the sheer ecstatic reactions of the other class mates. I was astounded and intrigued by what this magical substance could be that would bring forth this kind of reaction from my classmates. The fated day rolled around, and me, without my magical knowledge, woke up that morning, dressed in my uniform and went to school with my mother. Now, some of you might scoff and go ‘silly, ignorant, foreign girl” but I have news for you! I had a plan. A plan so genius, it dwarfed all other plans to date. My mother and I would have a drive by – no. Not the murderous killing kind – the scoping out, CIA detective kind. We would see what the others were doing and if it was not obvious from the get-go, we would make some excuse to go into the office and slyly ask about this ‘Mufti Day’. Brilliant, I know. Lucky for me however, it was obvious, and because we were so time savvy, there was even a spare few minutes to dash home, get changed, and still saunter into class completely unfazed. I was like some sort of super hero, or figure of legend. Unfortunately for me, my master of disguise skills only lasted till roughly half way through year 7 when my real excitable nature started shining through. All was still well however, in this new land of milk and honey. But all good things must come to an end, so at the end of year 13, as a chick leaves its nest, I did the same – flying out on wings made of a billion tons of steel. In the grips of one of those monkey-leash backpacks, I returned once more to the land of the jandal to further my vast amounts of wisdom. Yet, as I come once again to the educational end of this part of my life, I plan to hurtle myself once more away from this tiny island of gumboots. In all seriousness though, will I miss it? Probably. Not only because I spent most of my teens growing up here, but nowhere else in the world can you find so much kinship, pride of culture and warm inclusion, all wrapped in a pretty green and white package, as you do here in good ol’ Aotearoa.

Brendan Kelly A classic tale of human tragedy involving the ocean, true love, a man and a stingray Once upon a time there was a stingray. He did not have a name because he was a stingray, although for purposes of this narrative his name will be Clyde. In a similar time frame, there was a man. He did not have a name because I am too lazy to give him one. As a relatively standard human male, this particular man lived in a small house on the edge of a lake. He would often spend weekends out on the lake in his boat, The Foaming Conquistador. The stingray had similar interests, and for the weekend in which this story takes place had ditched his wife and children in an attempt to get away and find himself. Stingrays, like crocodiles, paedophiles and botanists, are easily frightened. And so it was that when the man unwittingly trod on Clyde, the terrified stingray reacted in the only way he knew how, lashing out and piercing the human through the heel. This would set in motion a sequence of events far too horrific to mention in any publication, ever. They are outlined below. In the years leading up to Clyde’s inception, his parents had been used as guinea pigs for nuclear testing, regardless of the fact that they were obviously stingrays. Clyde of course knew nothing about this, because his parents had grown ashamed of their actions after spending all the money they earned from the experiments on drugs in the hippy movement of the 1960s. In some ways, the testing had made his life better; he was a faster swimmer, had a larger vocabulary, and his sting was longer and sharper than those of the other rays. But there was one side effect that Clyde was not aware of. The nuclear tests that had made him fitter and stronger had also mutated his DNA at the very core, turning his venom into a unique, stronger version of the original stingray toxin. When mingled with human blood, this toxin had the ability to transform a human into a

zombie stingray, blatantly violating numerous copyright restrictions. The man was in agony as the venom coursed through his blood, so he phoned for an ambulance. When it arrived he was treated and sent home, the paramedics advising him to avoid being stabbed through the foot by a venomous barb in the future. Several hours later, tossing and turning in the middle of the night, the man awoke gasping for air. He tried to get out of bed and immediately fell onto the floor, partly because he was disoriented but mainly because his legs had fused together to form a fleshy tail. What remained of his arms were two squishy flaps, spongy and clammy like a sculpture of an obese man crafted entirely out of trifle. He fled out his door, plunging his head into the lake out of desperation, fear, and because I only have 1000 words and it advances the narrative quite rapidly. The man’s screaming beneath the surface of the river, which was as flat as a kitten that has been ironed, roused the slumbering Clyde. He shimmied towards the noise. “My friend,” said Clyde quite ironically, “what is the cause of your great agony?” The man looked at Clyde in astonishment, then looked at himself, then back at Clyde, his mouth agape. Clyde looked at him again. “Oh, right, yeah, I see your problem. You’re the guy I stung earlier and you appear to be transforming into some sort of zombie stingray. That’s the worst, man.” “Did you…did you know this would happen?” the man gasped, his newly formed gills fluttering like the wings of a butterfly using scuba gear to survive underwater. “No, I was not aware that by stinging you I would cause a horrific chain of chemical reactions that would

HUMOUR

ultimately result in you becoming a hideous zombified cartilaginous seabeast. Although, in hindsight, it seems quite natural.” “So what should I do?” enquired the man, quite politely and calmly given that his eyes had just shifted seventeen inches away from each other. “Might as well come into the water, mate. You’re fucked otherwise I reckon.” As the man dove into the water of the lake, the flat surface shattered like a cheap vase hurled into a slightly more expensive vase. As he swam deeper, Clyde began to speak. “Look man, I’m really sorry about the whole transforming you into a mutant stingray thing. Was totally not my intention, and I know it was really rude of me. I guess what this shows is that human intervention in our lives only leads to trouble; pretty soon more and more aquatic life is going to be ruined by humans who can’t keep their noses out of our evolution. Just look at you, man, you’re like a Salvador Dali wet dream. You’re a goddamn freak of nature man. I say now that you’re one of us, we give it those humans, once and for all. What do you reckon?” The man hesitated for a moment, looking down at his newly formed cartilage shell before replying. “Yeah. Totally. Fuck those humans.” There are plenty of lessons to take away from this. The first is, don’t live by a lake if it is the holiday destination of a stingray whose parents were victims of nuclear experimentation. Another is that, if you are stung by any creature, it is best to assume you are going to transform into some sort of zombieversion of that creature. Prepare accordingly. But the most obvious and imperative moral of this particular story is stay the fuck out of the water. The sea creatures are coming. There is no place for you to hide. You have been warned.

www.tyronnoble.com www.shareyourride.net

Photos:

ew Zealand is blessed with the ninth longest coastline in the world, which for our small land mass is an extremely impressive feat.

Humour

Matt Sampson

FEATURE

Most people keep a bucket list. Countries to visit, books to read, bands to see, people to meet – we all like to know we’ve achieved something of worth when we reach the end of our lives. My own bucket list reads something like “attend Glastonbury” and “live in New York” but has few things I want to accomplish in my own country. There’s so much of New Zealand I’ve seen and done but so much more I have yet to experience. So, the following is my bucket list of New Zealand.

BANGIN’ BEACHES

WINTER WONDERS

HIKES AND WALKS

No Kiwi summer or road trip is ever complete without a visit to one of New Zealand’s amazing beaches. The Coromandel offers some of my favourites – Whangamata, Whiritoa and Hot Water Beach. It’s also responsible for Cathedral Cove, which is, arguably, the best beach in the world. But, there are so many more beaches in New Zealand to experience – the sand dunes in Kaitaia, the Bay of Islands, the black sand beaches of the West Coast, and Kaiteriteri beach in Nelson are just a few. Nothing says summer like a trip to the beach. We’re a pretty lucky bunch and we shouldn’t ever take our amazing sand and sea for granted.

Amongst our great beaches are our wonderful winter spots. Glaciers, mountains, the South Island in general – we can be relied upon to whip out a bit of icy cold goodness. Most people take to the ski fields in Ruapehu, the Southern Alps or Queenstown for a bit of snowy fun. Others choose the winter warmers – Rotorua and Hanmer Springs – which are our famous hot pools set against snow-capped mountain backdrops. As we approach our winter break perhaps it’s time to break out the ski mask or swimsuits (that’s right, put down the donuts) and find yourself a nice winter vacation spot to kick off your list.

New Zealand has some really magnificent sights for hikes, tramps or a casual day trip. There are the nine ‘Great Walks’ which include the Tongariro Circuit and Milford Track. According to the DOC website, these are New Zealand’s premier walking tracks. There are also other tracks like the Queen Charlotte and Hollyford tracks, which are just as great. Or there’s Mount Rangitoto and the Hunua Ranges if you’re looking for something closer to home. Let’s face it: we are spoilt for choice in NZ and while they may be tough work and everything in your body wills you to turn around and head home – the end result is too good for words. The views I’ve seen from some of these walks have been breathtaking. New Zealand is a beautiful country, so we should embrace it and be grateful we live in a country with sweet sights at nearly every corner.

ICONS

SUPER SPORTS

The lighthouse at Cape Reinga, Kerikeri’s Stone Store, the L&P statue in Paeroa, and the Beehive in Wellington - every city has something iconic about it. Rakaia has a statue of a salmon! If you were really keen, had the gas to burn and time to spare, you could roadie from the top of the country all the way to Stewart Island, getting a photo with every single iconic figure from each town. It may not be as thrilling as skydiving in every town, but it’s still a bucket list. Plus, it’s easy to achieve. Start now; get a photo in front of the Skytower during one of your two hour breaks. You can knock that one off the list! You’ll never get to see the Christchurch Cathedral as it once stood, so get appreciating the rest of the country’s icons now.

It should be on every Kiwi’s bucket list to attend some sort of sports event. Whether it’s a Breakers or Silver Ferns game, an All Blacks test, a sold-out Sevens game, a Black Caps event or a Warriors match – there’s nothing that unites us more than the black jersey. They’re good natured fun where everybody comes together as a nation in order to cheer on the boys (or girls) and shove the world cup in Australia’s face. What’s a better feeling than the final whistle signalling we’ve won? And in the unlikely event we lose, or if you’re a league fan, there’s always plenty of beer to go around and keep our spirits somehow in check.

COLUMN

TOP TO TAIL No bucket list of New Zealand would ever be complete without visiting the two ends of the country – which are commonly thought to be Cape Reinga and Bluff. They’re not technically, but let’s not get technical about it. The lighthouse at Cape Reinga is spectacular and from it you can see where the Tasman and the Pacific Ocean meet. Then at Bluff, according to my internet research, there is a walk to Bluff Hill, its namesake. Considering there are probably a lot of landlocked countries, getting to visit the northernmost and southernmost points of New Zealand is definitely a must do.

COLUMN

Grace Patterson

10. When stalking general people (not close friends) who you see on a regular basis, try not to take any mental note of the funny things that they say on their wall. If you refer to that humourous quotation in conversation, they will know you have been stalking. This is not something you want. 11. If you find yourself looking at the same person’s profile daily, limit yourself to one hit a week. There is a difference between light stalking and obsessing. 1. Do not Facebook stalk only one individual. Vary your stalking between gender, school and even race where possible. 2. Do not limit yourself to only your friends. Friends of friends are also acceptable, as well as total strangers if you become a professionalised Facebook stalker. 3. Take plenty of time to stalk. This sport cannot be rushed. 4. Do not decide who to stalk based only on the display picture of that person. Often, girls especially, look nothing like their pic and therefore, false advertising lures in the stalker. This leads to severe disappointment when the stalkee is actually rank. Beware. 5. Do not comment on or ‘like’ any photos. This goes particularly for when a photo is in the middle of an album. You must be untraceable, and you don’t want to ignite an awkward flame for when you next see each other in person. 6. When jumping from one profile to another using links, always right click the name and select ‘open in new tab’. This way, if the person is boring, you can go back to the original profile and continue your search down their wall. 7. Where possible, tell friends via chat that you are ‘just fb stalking atm’. This will make them think you’re having a laugh, and you will not be under speculation. 8. Do not text cell phone numbers on anyone’s page. That is just creepy. 9. If in mid-stalk you realise you know your victim from school or work, feel free to add them as a friend. However, only do so after a thorough stalk-check has been carried out and you are sure that you wish to reconnect with that person.

12. If you feel it necessary, delete your browsing history after a stalk session. 13. Resist the urge to comment on lame statuses. 14. If you laugh at a group that your stalk victim has ‘liked’, feel free to like it. However, be sure not to like the fact that they liked it. This is a rookie mistake. 15. Remember to check the live feed before beginning a session. This way, you can surf to see if anything catches your eye from your actual fb friends. Go from there! 16. If you discover that a total stranger has a friend in common with you, do NOT ask that friend how they know that hottie ‘Brian’. This could make things awkward, and render your motives questionable. 17. If you want to see what a person looks like, do not click on their picture. This will show their profile pictures, the best of the best pictures that they have of themselves. 18. Look through the photos folder. In these pictures, you can see what the person truly looks like. The photos will have been taken when the stalkee was unprepared and caught off-guard. 19. Also handily found in the photos folder are the friendship tag photos. In these photos, there are titles such as ‘social butterfly’ and ‘the lame one’. This picture will tell you about the stalk victim’s personality and how others see them. If the person is tagged as ‘the playa’ then you’ll know to avoid at all costs. 20. Unless you know the person, it is pointless looking through albums named ‘BACK IN THE DAY’ and such. You don’t want to know who you would have been dealing with five years ago. You want to know who they are NOW. COLUMN

21. Always look at the family photo album on a person’s profile. By stalking this album, you can evaluate the decency of the person’s gene pool, therefore deciding further if your kids will be hotties or notties. 22. When stalking a guy, look at his friends list and decide if the majority of his fb friends are guys or girls that look like smokers. If they’re mostly guys, he loves his boys and likes to have a good time socially. If they’re ug chicks with tattoos, he loves his women Amy Winehouse-esque and you’re not the one for him. 23. When stalking a girl, scroll through her statuses. If they say mainly ‘I hate my life’ and ‘kill me, someone’ then best leave her alone. If they’re bubbly and cute, continue the prowl. 24. Check ‘likes in common’ with your stalkee. If there are over 10, there may be some potential chemistry. If there are less than two, don’t bother. 25. Be wary of girls/guys who are friends with both of their parents on fb. Their decision to be fb friends with their oldies can mean one of two things: they were hacked, or they have a loving family. Numero two is GOOOOD. 26. People who have a massive list of brothers and sisters who are clearly not their siblings because it is motherly impossible are either attention seeking brats, or popular attention seeking brats. Steer clear, big tuna. Head for open waters. 27. People who are clearly on fb a lot either have no life or not much of one. They can be good cyber pals because of their dedication to the site. 28. If a person has more than an average of six likes on any status or shared link, they are easy to get along with. 29. Never add a personal message to friend invites if you were stalking them. Just hope for the best. 30. Don’t accept friend requests if the person has been stalking you. You can tell this because they have added a personal message like ‘Hey, saw you on here and thought you were a piece of alright’. AWKWARD MUCH.

Morgahna Godwin

Barack OBAMA

To be in America when something truly revolutionary happens is a once in a lifetime experience. This week President Barack Obama gave an interview in support of same sex marriage. He is the first president to ever do such a thing and to that I would be starting a slow clap right about now. Of course the celebrity twitter verse went into over drive as news spread

Ellen DeGeneres @TheEllenShow

“Thank you President @BarackObama for your beautiful and brave words. I’m overwhelmed.”

Lady Gaga @ladygaga

Keep an eye out for the Windows U Crew around campus Do a trial, get a USB It’s that easy Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/windowsucrewnz Follow us on Twitter: @WindowsUCrewNZ

“Obama, congratulations on being the first sitting President to support marriage equality. Feels like the future, and not the past. #NoFear”

AB @alecbaldwin

“Obama gets it right on gay marriage. Bravo.”

Neil Patrick Harris @ActuallyNPH “Bravo, Mr. President, and thank you.”

Michelle Branch @michellebranch “YAY Obama!! #EqualityForAll”

Eliza Dushku @elizadushku

“#Breaking: President Obama announces support for ALL/equal marriage!! #FreedomToMarry” As I am writing this for you Obama is literally just up the road about to give his commencement speech at Columbia University and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. Change the world. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------And in other twitter verse news....

Andy Borowitz @BorowitzReport

“Thanks to Facebook, it’s easier than ever for your parents to see what you look like drunk.” First rule of facebook Don’t add your parents. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------I swear you need a fucking double degree in psychology and philosophy to understand anything this guy says. But here you go, mind fuck of the day from Indian spiritual guru Chopra :

Deepak Chopra @DeepakChopra

“At all times what we are aware of, is the qualities of our own consciousness. The world is as we are.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Oh Annabel. I don’t know how to feel about this.

Annabel Fay @annabelfay

“Apparently Harry from one direction thinks I look like Mila Kunis... That is very kind, but he could potentially have a sight problem ;P xx” Media

Girls:

I’m sad to say Kiwi guys are pretty slack; they are getting it too easy – they aren’t great at the wooing game or chivalry for that matter. What happened to the guys that made an effort to take a girl on a really nice first date? These days a lot of guys just show up and that’s enough, REALLY?

The thing I’ve come to find is if you take the chase away from him and become the chaser, the guy is likely to use you. Don’t play impossible to get but let him make an effort to have you. There will be plenty of time later to show him you were worth the effort.

“The way you start off a relationship will determine how it plays out in the future.”

Now this brings me to the relationshippers out there. If you get played on please don’t hang around and let it happen again – cheating is not an accident.

PLAYING UP Singles: lately I’ve been talking to some friends and there are a lot of people out there sleeping around, which in my mind is okay if done the right way – if guys can sleep around so can girls, but that’s not the issue. The issue is: What is the right way? These days there are both girls and guys that are okay with just a sexual meet up (use protection please), but if that’s all you want then keep it that way. Flirt, compliment, invite home and so on but don’t lie and cheat i.e. tell them you want a relationship, that you love them, that you’ll call and so on – if that’s the only way you can get it, that’s really sad. And if you’re not doing it the right way, you’re just playing up and someone’s emotions will eventually get damaged. “Cheating is not an accident, you don’t trip and fall into a p***y.”

If your partner’s going to play up on you they will keep doing it! They may say sorry but, really, they are only saying sorry to you for getting caught. Would they have said sorry if you hadn’t found out?

“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Unfortunately, if you do get played on by your partner, you need to realise it is NOT your fault but there is something missing in your relationship that was not strong enough to stop the act. So DITCH IT! Find someone who sees the value in a relationship with you! Last note for those that want an easy way to tell what playing up is – I leave you with this quote:

“If you wouldn’t do it in front of their face, then don’t do it behind their back.”

If you have opinions, stories, comments hit us up at debate@aut.ac.nz and we’ll let Chelsea respond.

COLUMN

This day in history

Matthew Cattin May 21

Dan White

On this day in 1979, the famous White Night Riots took place on the streets of San Francisco. Around 5000 protesters took to the streets in a rage after Dan White, the assassinator of gay rights activist and politician Harvey Milk and San Francisco’s mayor George Moscone, was charged only with voluntary manslaughter for what should have been a double homicide. This was the lightest possible conviction for the crime; White’s sentence being reduced because of the infamous ‘Twinkie defence’. His sleazy lawyers managed to defend him on the account that his diet of junk food had put him in a bad state of mind. Eh?

Fun fact of the week

Harvey Milk was the first openly gay man to hold a seat in office in California, a huge step for gay rights in America. Despite

numerous threats to his life, Milk was resilient in his campaigning and made his home of San Francisco much safer for the large gay community that resided there. On November 10 1978 however, Milk and Mayor Moscone were both shot multiple times in City Hall by Dan White who was in a rage after devouring too many Twinkies. Or so it goes.... White turned himself in to police later that day and the voluntary manslaughter verdict was reached on May 21 1979. The riots took place that night with more than 160 people hospitalised and in excess of $1 million dollars in damage to the city. White served a little over five years of his seven year sentence. Around two years after he was released however, he committed suicide.

Transit of Venus The transit occurs when Venus comes directly between the Earth and the Sun, much like a solar eclipse with our moon. What we will see from Earth is a tiny wee dot partially obscuring the Sun for around six hours. If you’re interested in seeing it, don’t stand outside staring at the Sun – that will fuck up your eyes. Find somebody with a telescope and a solar filter, build a pinhole camera (easier than it sounds) or head on down to your local observatory. The opportunity won’t come around again in your lifetime, or perhaps even your kids. The next transit is 105 years away.

On Wednesday June 6, New Zealanders will be able to see an astrological phenomenon known as the transit of Venus. As you all hopefully know, earth, and the other planets in our solar system orbit the star we call the sun. Venus, being closer to the sun than we are orbits the sun every 224.7 earth days and is clearly visible in our skies at dawn and dusk, hence its nickname ‘morning star’ and ‘evening star’.

Observing the transit of Venus was important to astronomy as it gave scientists the figures they needed to calculate the distance between the planets and the Sun. Captain James Cook, who you will remember from third form New Zealand history, was sent by the British Royal Society to Tahiti in 1769 to observe the event. After recording the phenomenon, he then sailed on down to circumnavigate New Zealand, becoming the first European to create a nearly complete map of our fine country, as well as the second recorded European to visit.

As with previous events (such

Gwyneth Paltrow in Prada FLORENCE, Sarah Burton and Kate Blanchett in Alexander Mc Queen

RIHANNA in Tom Ford

ANNA WINTOUR in Prada BEYONCE in Givenchy

Hosted by Vogue, The Met Ball (The Costume Institute Gala) is one of the most exclusive events of the year. It signifies the opening of the Costume Institute annual exhibition, which this year is a commentary on the similarities between Elisa Schiaparelli and Miuccia Prada. If you're lucky enough to be invited to the ball by the Queen, Ms Anna Wintour, you then have to scratch through your wallet to come up with $25,000 USD for your ticket. No big deal. I'd love to say I was invited, but I was double booked that week on a cruise in Morocco. I wish.

as the Oscars) I thought I could perhaps talk my way in to the press pit. Not a chance. Whoever organises the Oscars needs to take a leaf out of Wintour's book because The Met Ball was more secure than a nun’s knickers. Alas, there is always live tweeting as an alternative. Of course, given that the event is honouring the Prada legacy, Ms. Wintour wore a haute couture piece that was probably gifted to her. Oh how I wish I had the golden key to the Prada closet, aka the title of editor and chief of American Vogue. I was surprised at the amount of feathers present on the red carpet. The majority

of McQueen dresses that walked the carpet had some sort of birdlike reference. Even, McQueen creative director, Sarah Burton hinted a touch of I-just-leftthe-chicken-coop. It was all a little overwhelming. Beyoncé wore a very revealing Givenchy ensemble that left little to the imagination, but I guess when you've just had a baby and you can have a body like that why not show it off? Work it girl. I was a little disappointed in Gwyneth Paltrow's dress. After seeing that amazing Tom Ford masterpiece in the flesh at the Oscars, I was severely disappointed with the ‘90s

FASHION

halter neck Prada thing she wore. Nevertheless, I won't take it to heart. Rihanna looked like she flew to Australia, killed a crocodile, skinned it on the side of the road and crawled into its still warm flesh coat. I apologise, I'm simply not a fan of anything reptile related. The Met Ball is, to me, one of the best celebrations of fashion in the world. Don't get me wrong – it is very much a celebrity induced affair, but the money it generates for supporting emerging designers and delivering thought provoking exhibitions is amazing.

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24/04/12

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9/05/1

This Way to Spaceship

the AVENGERS

Run Time: 143min Director: Joss Whedon s Starring: Robert Downey Jr. Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson & Samuel L Jackson

Rating: 5/5 Avengers Assemble! I figured I’d go straight for the throat and say right up front what was wrong with this movie. Never at any point does Captain America say “Avengers Assemble!” I was most disappointed. But as my dad pointed out, they have never been The Avengers before, so a catchphrase would be kind of weird. I still say I was disappointed. For those who might not know, The Avengers is the culmination of Marvel Studios last four years of superhero movies, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Thor and Captain America. All had little nudges and winks to an Avengers film so after four years of what was essentially hype, this film had a lot to live up to. The movie centres on an alien invasion by a race whose name is utterly unpronounceable (perhaps that’s why they’re so angry) and their need to destroy New York and steal ‘The Tesseract’. The organisation known as S.H.I.E.L.D gathers earth’s mightiest heroes to combat this threat and a rollicking good time ensues. Penned by Buffy’s scribe, Joss Whedon, I had perhaps even higher hopes for The Avengers. I was not, I am pleased to say, let down in any way. Whedon’s script is tighter than the Hulk’s purple shorts; there weren’t any points of the film where I thought things were going too slow or even too fast. There’s a nice balance between over the top action pieces and character development and interaction, and considering there are essentially five main characters, it’s impressive the movie manages this. What is particularly satisfying to see is that each actor seems to fit their respective character. The star clearly being Robert Downey Jnr as Iron Man who basically owns his role, but even

Chris Evan’s Captain America is fairly decent, as he was actually a little bit bland in his title movie. But in any case, each Avenger and those around them does a damn good job, even those that don’t really have that much to work with such as Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye. Special note needs to go out to Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner who manages to make Banner a real character rather than just the guy who happens to be the Hulk which is always my chief problem with Hulk movies. Okay, I’ll admit it. I lied before. I have three gripes with this film. The first one is true, but my second is that Hawkeye and Black Widow are cool characters, but there’s very little to them. They’re both assassins with shady pasts and um, that’s basically it. Black Widow’s hot. Hawkeye has a bow. I left feeling like there was a whole other movie-worth of story there, and if the internet is to be believed (how could it not?), Marvel Studios agrees. Yes, there’s going to be a Black Widow and Hawkeye film. The third thing is that I saw all of the preceding films and so all the references and plot points were things that I just accepted, but if you haven’t seen them I’ll warn you there are going to chunks of this film that do make sense, just not a whole heap. In the end however none of that really matters. The Avengers is funny, action packed and in a word: fun. This film is what many films these days are not, entertaining above all else. I left thinking to myself “damn I had a great time watching that”. So don’t question, go and see this movie, it’s a great time, through and through. Keiran Bennett

Rhys Darby

Rating: 5/5 A little kid in an adult’s body. A fair assessment one would think, of Rhys Darby. His new show is filled with his trademark sound effects, funny characters, and stories of the everyman. Structured essentially around the story of his life, the show is a personal one, with Rhys drawing on anecdotes from his younger and present lives. While that style should play on Rhys’s obvious personable approach, it comes across distant and rehearsed. His signature robot impersonation at the end is almost a symbol of the stiff nature of the show as a whole. Once Rhys got into any of his many topics however, he loosened up away from the binds of the shows plot, cracking himself up on many occasions. Safe, 2degrees Rhys was nowhere to be seen amongst swearing and jumping around like a spaz Rhys, but he maintained a charming aura throughout. An early story about how men look for things vs how woman find them had the crowd in hysterics, especially when he questioned why the search and rescue teams were made up predominantly of men. I found myself constantly giggling like a schoolgirl throughout the show. No large joke threw me out of my seat in laughter, but he never failed to skip a beat in keeping the humour flowing. There is no denying the incredible talent that is the Rhys Darby brand, but I did feel just an uncomfortable lack of magic. The warm up act Steve Hughes got the only collective hand clapping in relation to a joke, and there were several instances where Rhys sounded like he was reading a pre-written script or stumbling over a word, which took the wind right out of the stand-up. All up though, the crowd was buzzing from start to finish; This Way to Spaceship is a thoroughly enjoyable show. Rhys covered topics from handshakes to losing his wallet in a nightclub in a highly animated, fantastic performance, and his intro as alter ego Bill Napier the park ranger was a stroke of pure genius. And genius he is; Rhys Darby, you are New Zealand’s premier comedic talent; your robot impersonation is ace, just don’t start performing your stand up like this one. You can buy Rhys Darby’s debut novel, This Way to Spaceship, at all good booksellers now. Matthew Neary

The Five Year Engagement Run Time: 124 mins Director: Nicholas Stoller

Starring : Jason Segal, Emily Blunt & Chris Pratt

Rating: 3 /5 The romantic comedy genre, which never fails to deliver solid if predictable movies, takes a new twist with The Five Year Engagement, produced by the same guy responsible for Bridesmaids, the chick comedy hit of 2011. While The Five Year Engagement is nowhere near as good as Bridesmaids, it’s an alright sort of film with solid actors, a decent plot line and some good jokes. Emily Blunt and Jason Segel star as Violet and Tom, a couple in their late twenties who become engaged after dating for a year. But when Violet is offered a research opportunity at a University in Minnesota they have to delay the wedding ... for five years. The move puts a strain on the relationship and Tom, an accomplished sous chef who ends up working in a sandwich shop, is left feeling not good enough for himself or the bride-to-be. Meanwhile, Violet’s sister Suzie and Tom’s best friend Alex get married and start having children, making Violet and Tom jealous they are delaying starting their own family. Jason Segel gives a solid and funny performance as Tom, and even sports some hilarious facial hair for half the film. But it is Emily Blunt who really steals the show. To me, she has been an underrated actress for a few years, so it was great to see her take the lead and brilliantly portray Violet as funny, caring and smart. The Five Year Engagement is well supported by Alison Brie as Suzie, who you’ll know from Community, and Chris Pratt as Alex, best known for his role in Parks and Recreation, both of whom fit the part as a dysfunctional yet happy couple perfectly. As far as jokes go, The Five Year Engagement offers up enough to keep you entertained for the whole film, if even it is only mildly entertained at times. The highlight of the jokes is during the engagement party; the diverse characters have been nailed here and everyone offers up something funny. However, these characters become tamer as the movie goes on; something which I think is a mistake. The film becomes a bit slow in the second half when it gets serious, but picks up again when Violet and Suzie put on Elmo and Cookie Monster voices. The Five Year Engagement is one of those films which you wouldn’t go out of your way to see, but if you were just going to the cinemas or it happened to be on, you would sit down to watch it and find it quite enjoyable and it would give you a good laugh.

Renee Simpson

debate TALKS TO AUT STUDENTS ABOUT PLACES IN NEW ZEALAND THEY LOVE

Charles Rewha-Lobo 18, Business

Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

Rawhiti in Northland. It’s where I grew up – my home land. It’s peaceful and there’s no tourists. Plus it’s in the Bay of Islands so it’s good fishing so I can take the boat out whenever. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

Clean, green and chilled. And it’s less politically correct than other countries.

Erin Berryman

18, Communications Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

I like Ponsonby. It’s got everything I need, my friends, shops and cafes.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

The accent. I’m from Australia.

Hayley Morrison 25, Communications

Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

My favourite place is Central Otago and Queenstown. I’ve spent a few new years there. It’s good for skiing and I love the landscape and the crisp cold weather. I’m from the South Island though so I’m a bit biased. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

Scott Bailey 18, Business

Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

That’s a tough one. I love sushi, it’s my favourite food. So I like to go to sushi places. It sounds awkward, I know, but I love food. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

Just the New Zealand culture. I like how it brings every culture into one.

Rose Ceddell

18, Communications Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

I’m from Tauranga so I like the Mount. It’s nice in summer, there’s lots of people and a cool atmosphere. But I also like Queenstown, it’s really scenic. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

It’s clean.

It’s growing. It’s clean, green and always home.

Sio Talakai-Alatini 28, Masters of Tourism

Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

Wellington. I did my under graduate studies there and I miss it. The student life down there is just really laid back. There’s lots of heritage and history. It’s so different coming up here to Auckland. It’s just so fast and busy. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

Tim Ly,

18, Commerce Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

I usually just hang out with my friends and family. So wherever they are is my favourite place. Auckland is probably my favourite city though. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

It’s green.

Damian Leota 18, Business

Where’s your favourite place in New Zealand?

Nightlife wise I’d say Hamilton. But I like it down in Gizzy and Queenstown. Just the culture down there is cool. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of New Zealand?

Kiwifruit.

Maori. It’s the land of the Maori people. And clean green.

ANSWERS to the WORD JUMBLE (pg 14): bated, abed, date, beat, bead, bate, debt, bade, beta, abet, dab, tea, tae, deb, tad, tab, eta, eat, ted, bet, bed, bat, bad, ate

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