Debate issue14 by Debate Magazine

Issue 14 | JULY 2013 www.ausm.org.nz

Issue 14 | JULY 2013 Directory

reception City Campus Level 2, WC Building 921 9805 Mon-Thurs: 9am-5pm Fri: 9am-4pm North Shore Campus Level 2, AS Building 921 9949 Mon-Fri: 11am-1pm

Cover

Illustration by Ramina Rai p22

EDITOR

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Matthew Cattin matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz

sub editor Nigel Moffiet

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designer/PHOTOGRAPHER Ramina Rai

Manukau Campus MB107 921 9999 ext 6672 Mon-Thurs: 9am-3.30pm governance & leadership Kizito Essuman AuSM Student President 921 9999 ext 8571 kizito.essuman@aut.ac.nz

contributors

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management Sue Higgins General Manager 921 9999 ext 5111 sue.higgins@aut.ac.nz advocacy Nick Buckby Liaison Manager 921 9999 ext 8379 nick.buckby@aut.ac.nz marketing Kate Lin Sales and Marketing Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8909 kate.lin@aut.ac.nz events Carl Ewen Student Life Manager 921 9999 ext 8931 carl.ewen@aut.ac.nz media Matthew Cattin Publications Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8774 matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz vesbar Zane Chase Vesbar Manager 921 9999 ext 8378 zane.chase@aut.ac.nz volunteers & clubs Nathan Bromberg Volunteers Coordinator 921 9999 ext 8911 nathan.bromberg@aut.ac.nz

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Illustration & Photography Matthew Cattin | Ramina Rai

advertising contact Kate Lin kate.lin@aut.ac.nz

printer

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PMP Print Ltd.

publisher 4 Editorial

20 Werner Herzog

7 Post Office Love

22 I'm Finally Getting Over Facebook

8 Artist of the week 10 AuSM Free Feed Pics 11 Kieran's Kitchen: Chicken 12 Lovenotes & Hatemail AuSM Updates 13 Memorandum Auckland's Got It Going On 14 Puzzle Page 15 Social Media Highlights 16 NIFTY NEWS 18 The Art Of Criticism

23 5 Annoying Facebook Friends 25 Teach First NZ 26 Viva La Theatre 27 Dark Side Of The Moon 28 An Ode To The Compact Disc 30 Yellow Cameos 31 I'm A Crier 32 REVIEWS 33 The Artistic Temperament

This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.

disclaimer Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, PMP Print or its subsidiaries.

debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA)

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by Matthew Cattin Hello everybody, I hope y’all enjoyed re-orientation. It’s a nice idea when you think on it – celebrating the semester’s beginning. It makes you forget – albeit briefly - about the forecast shit storm. This week however brings with it another opportunity for escapism, a small glance at the summer to come – the Big Day Out line-up announcement (welcome back).One of the most exciting days on my annual calendar, I’m usually more excited for the line-up drop than the day itself. After weeks of devouring rumours and clues from internet trolls and promoters, the announcement finally puts me out of my misery and cuts my procrastination hours by half. Like Christmas morning, reading the line-up for the first time is always full of glorious surprises and gobsmacking disappointments. Gin Wigmore on the mainstage? Why?! The David Bowie rumour just a rumour, again? Heart-breaking. This year however is going to be huge. I’ve known this since they announced the triumphant return of BDO to Western Springs. Why? Because there would be no point bringing it back down under if it wasn’t a guaranteed sell out. The rumours are giving me heart palpitations and I’m realising only now how hurt I was last year when summer’s brightest day was boycotted. Here’s why New Zealand needs BDO like an emo kid needs girls’ jeans: Because otherwise our biggest festival is Parachute… Let’s be honest - anywhere that Parachute is the year’s biggest music festival is not a cool place to live.There are only so many

times people can get crazy over Switchfoot, Mumsdollar and Rapture Ruckus – you know… once… And then on the other hand there is Rhythm & Vines, a three day orgy of DJ’s, dubstep and STD’s – um, no thanks. We’ve also got the recent addition of Laneway, essentially a day of hipster fashions, instagram, vegan food and bands you’ve never heard of. Yes BDO has its flaws (filthy sweaty punters, ludicrous food prices, water issues) but sheeeeit, any festival that backs up its flaws with a solid lineup has got my vote. Because even crazies need a cool place to hang out. A few punters I’ve met at Big Day Outs will most likely never leave my mind. One in particular nearly had me in tears. Shirtless and sweaty he ran up to my friend and I, a spray can of Lynx in each hand and many more rattling in his pockets. His eyes were bloodshot and he ran like he had accidentally slipped a few pallets out into his pants. Running up to us, he raised his cans menacingly and yelled “LYNX! WHO WANTSA SOME LYNX?!” Um… No thanks. I’d rather keep my eyesight than have you anywhere near me. I imagine he would have made a pretty spectacular anti-drugs advocate if anybody was fast enough to catch him… It gives music geeks like me something to obsess over for months. Each year I tell myself not to get sucked into the BDO speculation, the rumours, the hype – yet every year I do, like a moth to the flame. I spend hours trawling forums, blogs and comment pages, sifting through trolls and photoshopped line-up posters (there’s a few every year – mark my words) and all

to no avail. Usually I’ll have wits enough to place four or five acts but no amount of deliberation will ever give me the line-up in its entirety - if only I could stop myself from trying. Kiwi up-and-comers get a taste of being actually famous. There’s something lovely about seeing a breakthrough Kiwi artist rocking it on the main stage to the biggest audience of their careers – their enthusiasm and smiles just say it all. And without BDO, I doubt that kind of opportunity would present itself all that often for average Kiwi bands, you know, like Midnight Youth and Gin Wigmore. Lame bands aside, I have fabulous memories of seeing Kiwi favourites Shihad (seven time veterans of the fest), The Veils, The Naked and Famous and The Checks holding their own against massive internationals over the years. Seeing Shihad play Pacifier before a waving sea of nearly 50,000 hands in the air, well… You can’t get any better than that. So there you have it. I realise the ticket prices are a little steeper than usual, and that Western Springs residents will complain about the noise, and the Australian line-up might be just a smidgen better, but none of that matters. Big Day Out is back – the sadness is over. It’s time to forget past differences, save up a little cash and get yourself there to support New Zealand’s only important music festival. Do the right thing. See you there, Matthew www.ausm.org.nz

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by Matthew Cattin It is a comfort to any man to know that as decrepit, disgusting, droopy and dysfunctional he may become, an unwilling yet obligating bride is only a mail-order away. Oh yes, I can hear the sighs of relief, rattling over the readership like a breeze through a forest. I’m looking at all you Mr Invisibles out there, exercising your arms every night waiting for Miss Right to open her eyes and see your inner beauty. Forget it! Did you know that thousands of eager women are out there, just waiting for you to notice them? If love is letting you down, fear not – a Russian honey will sweeten you up. If your face looks like a dropped meat pie – allow an Asian goddess to scoop you from the gutter. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the future of romance – the mail-order bride. Naturally, when researching the topic, I had a lot of questions – namely, do mail-order brides actually exist? Thankfully, many other internet trawlers shared my ignorance and vented their curiosities on Yahoo! Answers. Here are some of their questions in their lustful, un-edited glory. “do i have to go to see her to get her here? whats the cost for finding me one of these kind honeys?” “Are there any lesbian mail-order brides? I wanna get me one to wash my socks and make me a sandwich.” “Is a mail order bride from Asia cheaper than dating a girl in America?” “How come no one wants to attend my wedding because they claim that my fiancée is a mail order bride?” “Are there any mail order bride services where I can just pick a woman out of a catalogue?” “How does having a mail-order-bride work? Wouldn't it be so awkward meeting the first time?” “Are mail-order brides from Russia and Latin America reliable and virgin?” “HELP my mail order bride has arrived and its a man in a dress!!?” Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers for these poor creatures. But after a little research, I have discovered enough information to clear up my own curiosities. First thing’s first – put your credit cards away because despite what the

name suggests, you cannot simply purchase a bride and have her delivered in a cardboard box with air holes on the lid. Most likely this sort of practice exists in the nastier parts of the globe where life is cheap, but thankfully, it is not the case with most mail-order bride websites. Sleep easy Russian beauties! What generally occurs, or so the websites claim, is a friendly online courtship between man and bride-to-be. If they both show interest in a relationship, the man (who is usually the wealthiest of the pair) will fly to the woman’s homeland and pick her up. But it’s not just foreign romances – New Zealand has a few ‘honeys’ waiting for discovery too, desperate to escape Hamilton, Palmerston North and Invercargill. Here’s lookin’ at you ‘Hamiltoehoney89’. How much this courtship costs depends entirely on the woman being courted, the situation and the generosity of the horny 40+ sweating behind his monitor. I found it explained online as ‘just like buying a car’ because it is entirely up to you what you spend; however, whatitcosts.com suggests a ball-park figure of between $1000 and $15,000. The success rate of mail-order brides is hard to gauge – it’s not as if the media is liable to report on happy post office marriages. Can you imagine headlines such as “Mail Marriage Still Strong After 15 Happy Years” or perhaps “Larry Loves his Latvian Purchase”. Well… Perhaps in a New Zealand community paper. Sadly, mail-order marriages make headlines for all the wrong reasons – abuse, ugly divorces, fraud, theft and murder. But that isn’t so much a reflection of the industry as it is of the aforementioned sweaty men. So can a female mail-order a male, or is it mainly males mail-ordering females – and can a male mail-order a male in the mail? Yes, yes and yes. The industry, although built up mainly of mail-order brides, extends out to men and women of all sexual preferences. Nice to see that a seemingly seedy business plays fair to people of all backgrounds and preferences – politicians please take note. So there you have it – mail-order mysteries revealed. For more information, contact your local post office or type it into the Google.

' O' FO RAWESOME SUMMER JOB APPLY ONLINE NOW TO BECOME COM M A

CHRISTMAS COOKIES SELLER WWW.COOKIETIME.CO.NZ

APPLICATIONS CLOSE JULY 28

EXT E N D E D AUG4

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Artist of the week: JOSIE SMITH knew that I had to carry on with what I loved, even though it was just the beginning of my journey. From that point, I never gave up and constantly used my passion to learn more and achieve more,” she says.

At just 20-years-old, ambitious Silverdale designer Josie Smith has already made a splash in the competitive fashion industry. Considering that all my knowledge of the fashion world comes from Devil Wears Prada, well, you could say that I am suitably impressed. Josie kindly answered a few questions about her early days, establishing a brand and her budding career. “From an early age I always had the urge to create and make new things. Even as a child I would illustrate my ideas on paper first, or try and re-create objects from the creative section they always published in magazines or how to books,” says Josie. “I eventually moved onto creating miniature garments for my dolls, Barbies and the free McDonald’s toys my sister and I used to go crazy over. I loved the concept of creating my own things and being able to wear them, so taught myself how to use our household sewing machine and did exactly that.” Josie’s Dad was impressed with her skills and encouraged her to enter the National Bernina Young Designers Competition in 2008. As it turns out, his fatherly pride was not unfounded. “I made a few sketches, cut up an old bed sheet to make a pattern, sewed my first evening gown ever and entered. To my shock I became a finalist and flew to Christchurch with my family for the finals where I attained 3rd place out of New Zealand. I think this was the point in my life when I

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“During early high school, I felt like I needed to learn more about sewing so that I could read patterns properly and understand the proper fundamentals of garment making. So I joined the teenage sewing class at the New Zealand Academy of Fashion design where I learnt how to correctly put a pattern together using the right technical methods. The academy has given me so much skill I actually cannot imagine what my life would be like now without their help. As I began to improve my garment making skills I then took a step further by completing a Diploma in Apparel and Product Development,” says Josie. “To gain more knowledge and skill I interned at Faye Marmont Couture in Remuera with Faye Marmont and Sir Kevin Berkhan for about two years. This was where I learnt how to create intricate couture on elaborate bridal gowns for the elite and the even royalty. It was such a special experience that I will never forget.” During her time as an intern, Josie went the extra mile and designed multiple garments for various competitions, just to test her luck in the world arena. “The most success I have had up to date was when I entered a competition to design a dress for Leona Lewis which came 2nd out of the world in 2011. I then won the opportunity to have my sketch on Leona Lewis’ website.” Josie also recently designed shoes inspired by David Guetta’s song Play Hard and of more than 300 entries, she was voted the best by the public and by the judges – a huge achievement. Her design will now be displayed on Guetta’s website, showcased to the world. Since high school, Josie has been thinking up ways to turn her passion into a supportive career. “I started early and took classes once a week at the New Zealand Academy of Fashion Design to learn how to correctly make clothing. By the time I left school I had enough knowledge to create custom clothing for clients which established my label Josie Smith Couture. On the side I also wanted to create an online shop to sell my garments on so for months I designed and refined my store Front Row FashioNZ that was launched last year. In the early stages of creating a business, struggling economically at the beginning is

inevitable because you have to spend money to get things started. Most of the time it just feels like your spending money and not making anything, but once you get over that hill things get much easier. It’s important to remind yourself along the way why you were passionate about setting it up in the beginning and where you want it to lead to in the future. Whenever I keep this in mind, things get a lot better. Never give up because you don’t know if success is just around the corner!” More of Josie's achievements: - Winner, of the "Cultural Category" in the "Walk the Line" Comp. at New Zealand Fashion Week 2010. - NZ Academy of Fashion Design Student of the Year Award. 2012 - 2nd, International Talenthouse "Design a dress for Leona Lewis Competition", "Peoples' Choice" - 3rd, International Talenthouse "Design a dress for Leona Lewis Competition", "Judges Choice" - 4th runner-up, International Talenthouse Designer of the Year Award

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Re-O Week Free Feed!

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image source: flickr

OUR BLOODY SHAME

Kieran's Kitchen by Kieran Bennett This week we’ll be taking a peek at the shifty corner of the meat locker and unveiling the mysteries of the other white meat. Chicken. Chicken, otherwise known as chicken, is often given a reputation as a suspicious, vomit-inducing meat that is either meant to be fried or otherwise avoided. Such a reputation is unjust and an insult to the pedigree of chicken’s family, house and honour. Or maybe, chicken just tastes real good and you should get yourself some. We’ll have a look at how to buy it, how to cook it, what to do with it and prove ultimately that there is safe and salmonella-less tastiness in House Chicken (Hear Me Cluck). What to look for Chicken is a little harder to extract the truth from than mince. I’m not saying you need to tie it up in a darkened room and shine a light in its face, but you will need to take a closer look at it. The colour of chicken should be a robust pinky colour and should have no strange deviations from this. If you see grey or brown, it’s probably best to just take it out back and have it ‘sent to the farm’. In addition, the chicken should be sitting in a very small amount of liquid, not swimming in a pool of juice. If there’s a large amount of liquid in the tray, it means the chicken isn’t at its freshest and the risk-of-salmonella to taste ratio is at an unacceptably high level. Blood is also something to be wary of. A small amount is fine as the chicken has obviously proven itself in combat; but an excessive amount means the chicken’s going to taste like garbage and can possibly make you ill. How to cook it Despite many of the tales being spun about chicken being nothing more than scandalous lies, it is sadly true that chicken is high in its levels of potentially bowel voiding bacteria. In order to avoid embarrassing the chicken when it makes you sick, it is important to

cook chicken thoroughly. When the meat’s baptism of fire is complete, its colour should be a pale white, with a mild browning. When it’s cut in two, no pinkness should remain inside. Pinkness means the chicken is still raw in the middle and may contain vomit-causing pathogens. It does not mean the chicken is medium rare, it means it’s raw. At the same time as inspecting the chicken for any rawness, note the colour of the juice; if it’s not clear this is another sign that the meat is still raw. In terms of extracting the optimum flavour from your noble (yet still dead) bird, not much is required. The reason people describe things as tasting like chicken is because chicken does actually have a flavour. A small amount of oil and the meat fried in this is fine; with a splash of garlic salt or Italian herbs for some extra flavour. The key is to not add so much that you end up obscuring the chicken flavour. If you’re feeling adventurous and not-lazy, chicken is always (always) good crumbed. What to do with it Despite being a fowl of fantastic flavour, chicken is a little more limited than mince in its ability to go very far. Chicken is far better suited to meals where it’s the main focus like stir fry’s, baked chicken dishes or even just some well-done breasts (read that however you will). What is important however to not do with chicken is cook it and then tease it by not eating it. Chicken is designed to be eaten, and eaten when it's hot. If you leave chicken sitting on your plate too long it will come to resent you as you have abandoned it and will make itself go dry and tough; spoiling your hard work at not overcooking it in the first place.

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lovenotes & hatemail Dear Debate,

Hi debate,

I would like to congratulate you thoroughly on producing such a good rag each week. Your editorials are well thought out and pithy, and the content that follows is interesting and varied.

First and foremost, I am an AUT alumni, I studied a BSr in North Shore campus and I must admit my three years of studies at AUT were very pleasing, supportive and fun. I made A LOT of friends, particularly with the staff. I miss the way the lecturers would lecture which is nothing compared to UoA, I'll tell you that. Why am I studying here at UoA you may ask? because in all honesty, I did not get accepted into AUT PG programme and my research marks needed to be polished.

Having come from UoA, naturally I draw the comparison between Craccum and Debate, and I find myself reaching for Debate each week with an enthusiasm that was notably lacking at UoA. Keep up the good work and let your contributors know they're doing a bang-up job, too. Cheers, Jess Dear Jess, I would like to congratulate you on being absolutely delightful. If you were a magazine, I would read you and compliment the editor. Come to the AuSM office and there will be a movie ticket with your name on it. Yours editorially, Ed

So anyway, since being here at UoA Tamaki 'innovation' campus and I emphasize that on purpose because since studying here, I've learnt that there really isn't anything innovative about this campus. The Tamaki campus is like the North Shore of AUT, however what I am thankful about is the fact that when studying at the North Shore campus we were NEVER ignored! We had free feeds, fun music which was sometimes annoying when I was studying inside the library but hey! It reminded me and my undergrad friends that there is a life outside of the library and we needed cheering up particularly during the study period. I miss my years at AUT, I really do! And you know what they say about uni life? "you make the best memories when you study as

Updates

a university student". I even met my current partner through uni (even better! :D) but most of all the spirit of AUT, the support that is given through peers and staff is far better then what I am currently experiencing here. I have made friends, the lectures I find I struggle with because they are not as passionate as they are compared to some lecturers at AUT. I mean, if you’re going to be a paper leader can you at least pretend like you’re passionate about it? lol. All in all, although my body and brain may be here walking around this ignorant campus with no free feeds only during orientation (boring campus). My heart still lingers over the shore. I am proud to be an AUT alumni, I am proud that the things they taught us in our third year such as co-op project proposal I've already learnt because I TRULLY feel like an A+ student amongst these UoA students who don't even know how to put one together pfffftt lol. But I am also pleased that we were forced to go out into the workforce to do industry experience to gain knowledge and have a taste of the REAL world. These are the things that differ AUT from UoA hugely which makes me so proud to tell everyone in this boring campus AUT is the best. Cheers T. Anon

CAPTION CONTEST

Re-Orientation Madness! We hope you’ve enjoyed Re-Orientation and managed to catch most of the many events: Carnival Day, Snow Day, Pub Quiz, Photobooth, Eating competition, Taiko Drummers, Concord Dawn with guests, AuSM Foam Party and heaps of Free Feeds!

Caption:

Like us on Facebook! Been snapped during Re-Orientation? Remember to check out the photos from www.facebook.com/ausm1 and keep up with what’s going down. AuSM Mates Rates Try to pamper yourself while trying to save up? AuSM Mates Rates has hooked you up with heaps of great deals! AuSM have more than 120 sweet deals available for you! Check them out at www.ausm.org. nz. Additional Student Computer Lab Facilities As a response to student feedback, ICT Services will be providing additional computing facilities in AF109 during peak hours. Beginning 29th July 2013, ICT Student Services staff will be available for support in AF109 from 9am-3pm Monday to Friday. There will be 10 laptop computers available for student use within this room (Please note, these machines are not for loan out). Students will be able to use the mobile printing option to print to one of the printers in the Open Access Lab. AF109 is also available as a quiet study room with WiFi access so students are able to use this space with their personal devices, if required. The Open Access Lab facilities in AL125 will continue to be available and ICT Services will monitor usage of the new room and make amendments as necessary.

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Name: Email: Campus: Drop your entry into your nearest AuSM office, or the box on the side of the red debate stands, or email debate before 12pm Thursday. What’s up for grabs? Two “squawk burgers” vouchers for Velvet Burger on Fort St, Auckland CBD. Issue 12 Congratulations to...

Richard Holder City Campus who scored two Squawk Burger vouchers!

Use the paws, little Ewok.

By Scott Yeoman

@scott_yeoman

A memorandum

Memorandum [mem-uh-ran-duh m] -noun, pl. –dums, -da 1. A short note designating something to be remembered, especially something to be done or acted upon in the future; reminder.

Allow yourself to be inspired by looking in the right place. I was inspired through music last week. Not the kind of cliché, cheesy, over-exaggerated kind of inspired that you see in movies or read about and not the kind that talent show producers try to sell you through contestant back stories. Proper inspired. But I admit, before last Tuesday, I didn’t know the real from the fake. Sunday PM: I watched the final episode of my weekly guilty pleasure – X Factor – and even voted for the first time, something I now regret doing. Not because it’s 99c I’ll never get back and not because the guy I voted for didn’t win, but because two days later I realised I had spent the last 27 episodes, the last THREE MONTHS, thinking I was supporting New Zealand’s best up-and-coming musical talent - a thought that was blown into a million little pieces two days later. Monday PM: I missed the grand final decider because I was at the movies watching The World’s End (which is great by the way), but immediately found out who had the “X Factor” anyway when my mate leant across in the middle of movie and whispered “Oi Jackie won!” to which I replied “Yooouuuu’re kidding!” Again, looking back, not one of my proudest moments, but I did have 99c invested in Benny. My parents (who had apparently voted six times in 10 minutes!) were stoked, “You know, it’s just so great for Greymouth,” they said when I got home.

night put everything in perspective. Not once during the X Factor did someone’s performance, someone’s back story, or someone’s elimination comeback inspire me to write. Monty Bevins and his opening act Erin not only prompted me to pick up my pen as soon as I got home, but they inspired me to be creative; they inspired me to inspire others to be creative. I think it had something to do with how happy they both looked. Two musicians who were doing what they love every night - travelling the country, meeting new and amazing people, and writing and singing songs about it. I think it was the pure life experience that was coming with every new verse, the raw talent and untouched voices that were better than any I’d heard on TV two nights before. Not for lots of money or a new car, but for enjoyment and fulfilment. It’s the simple things like this that make up real inspiration. Bright lights and scripted stories, that’s the fake stuff. Go out and find yours.

Tuesday PM: A group of us went along to the Wine Cellar on K Road to hear a mate’s mate play a show. Not a regular Tuesday night for me, but from what I’d heard this guy could sing. This turned out to be a huge understatement. What I experienced that

AUCKLAND'S GOT IT GOING ON By Mike Ross Standing at a leaner on floor three of the Wellesley campus' Business building, I'm nervous. I've just received an email from the editor informing me that this entire issue of Debate had been completed, finalised, and was waiting on me before it could be sent to the printers. My heart's pumping, my hands are shaking, there's a small yet irritating amount of urine in my bladder, and so far I've rewritten this introduction six times and it still has nothing to do with what's on this week in Auckland town.

Dry July After Party @ Chapel Bar – Friday August 1st

Future Event: TNGHT @ Studio – Thursday October 4th Red Rum Touring, the dude's that brought you Baauer a few months back, and most recently What So Not, are continuing their onslaught of trap music upon Auckland City. They're bringing Hudson Mohawke and Lunice (otherwise known as TNGHT) to NZ for one show only at Studio. They're those dudes that produced 'Higher Ground'. You know, that song that's had ridiculous rotation on George FM (reaching for high, reaching for high etc etc bass drop etc). Yeah, you know the one. It's gonna be an absolute stomper, tickets from 1night.co.nz.

For all you holier than thou Dry July-ites, Chapel's putting on a do to celebrate the fact that you'll no longer be clogging my newsfeed asking for sponsorships. The George FM drive show's going to be broadcasting, the sun might be shining, and there's going to be a bar full of people that haven't drunk in a long time and therefore have much lower tolerances to take advantage of. No, but in all seriousness, well done to the abstainers of drink for a month. Now head to Chapel and remind your liver who's boss.

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WORD J UMBLER

SA H ET How many words of three letters or more can you find without cheating? Probably not that many…

BRAIN TEASERS 1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name? 2. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

6-12 Go back to school 13-20 Average Joe 21+ You did good kid.

PEEP FAREDCE

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little little little little

LARGE LARGE little LARGE

DINGBATS ANSWERS: 1. Forgive & Forget. 2. Hole in One. 3. Look both ways. 4. Red in the Face. 5.A little on the large side.

BRAIN TEASERS ANSWERS: 1. Johnny. 2. Mt Everest.

4 x Give 4 x Get

#social #media #highlights by Nigel Moffiet

The Civilian ran the news everyone was suspecting: “Christchurch warns Wellington to stop stealing sympathy after unauthorised use of earthquakes.” And don’t pretend to be a hater, I know you watched X Factor. Okay, maybe not. Well, Jackie Thomas won, and thank fuck it’s over. Guy Willams tweeted that his favourite moment of the show was Dom looking very camp in a cowboy hat.

Guy Williams@guywilliamsguy My favorite xfactor moment in the @_thecorner 's 2013 highlights package:

The world’s media spent days waiting outside St Mary's Hospital to report on the biggest story of the year. It was breaking news as reported in the The Huffington Post: “Woman Gives Birth to Baby”. The story followed: “A married woman of childbearing age has given birth to a baby boy. The event followed nine months of pregnancy. ‘Both mother and baby are doing well,’ a spokesman for the woman said. It is now expected that the baby will grow up.”

Lastly, NZ lawyer Davina Murray is defending herself against allegations she’s helped convicted rapist and murderer Liam Reid and had an unprofessional relationship with him. Describing Reid in a text message Murray wrote he’s "the best kisser [she’s] ever kissed". Sports Freak @Sportsfreakconz “Without wanting to state the obvious that Davina Murray / Liam Reid thing is seriously weird”

One of the highlights of the event was the announcement made by the town crier outside the hospital: "Oyez, Oyez, Oyez…we welcome… the first born of the royal highness, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge…”

There was also an earthquake in Wellington, or wait…was it Australia? A science reporter at the Las Vegas Guardian Express, described how the earthquake took place in Seddon 7km west of Melbourne and was felt as far away as Napier, Western Australia. Whoops! Meanwhile, some were posting cringe worthy Tui marketing ideas:

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Nifty NEWS

Breaking the Mould

Left & Bottom Right: Battle Of the Year Finals competition in Europe. Top right: Awatea Christensen. by Matthew Cattin As a full time student working towards a business degree, Awatea Christenson has little time to put up her feet - unless of course it’s whilst performing a head-spin. On top of a full time job and study, AUT student Awatea is training hard to take out New Zealand’s first female two-vs-two breakdancing qualifier next month. Along with her break-partner Candice Ama, Awatea will be repping Auckland dance crew AKL B-girls in the Battle of the Year competition hitting Mangere Art’s Centre on August 3. Awatea has been breaking for nearly a decade, a passion that started on a trip to Australia. “The dynamic movements and challenge involved really drew me in to want to learn more,” she says. “At first I thought that only guys could do this, but when I went to an event in Melbourne called She Got Game, I watched Bgirls execute their moves with power and have the same dynamics as the guys. This motivated me to change my approach and learn more about the dance form.” Since taking up the challenging dance form, Awatea has toured parts of the world to suss out the international scenes, learning from the best. “I toured Europe in November last year and saw that breaking has expanded greatly with events being hosted regularly in stadiums or week-long festivals that were covered by extensive media. The quality of the dance movements continues to improve rapidly. Elite Breakers are now being treated as high performance athletes with specialist equipment being developed to support future studies in this area.

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“I have also spent over a year in Sydney and met top quality international B-boys and B-girls who were able to pass on training techniques used to achieve and maintain high performance. This is something that New Zealand is participating in more and more,” she says. For Battle of the Year, New Zealand’s top eight crews have been confirmed and will be competing for a place in the finals to be held in Germany later in the year – Awatea hopes her moves will be enough to get her there. “The crews have been training really hard and up-skilling,” says Awatea. “I think the battles are going to be really good to watch. There’s an element of surprise because this is a New Zealand first and all the crews will be showcasing fresh sets. We have been training just as hard and hope to place well in the battles and are definitely in it to win it.” If Awatea and Candice do indeed win it, they will be up against 40 other countries at the Battle of the Year finals in Germany. “It provides opportunity and motivation for our local B-boys and B-girls to improve to the next level and to link in with the international scene, showcasing our unique flavour to the world. More internationals are also hearing about New Zealand and wanting to come here on their world tours,” says Awatea. If you’re keen to check out the national finals on August 3, head to www.thebreaksnz.com for more information. Sponsored by Mai FM and featuring DJ Spell and King Kapisi, it’ll definitely be an epic day of breaking, music and fun times.

Cows - Back On The Agenda

by Kieran Bennett Following a significant and violent drop in ratings, TVNZ’s flagship news programme One News has announced a move to prepare and broadcast at least 67 per cent more stories based around the activities of the countries cow population. One News has released a statement saying that this increase would no doubt draw in many fresh viewers who were “oddly obsessed with livestock related stories”. The increase it was said would be gradual, with stories related to cows, their production, living conditions and any legislation surrounding them to be increased in the bulletin; until approximately two in every three stories during the 6’oclock broadcast would relate to bovines.

The move has been welcomed and even applauded by swanndri-wearing-kiwibloke-gosh-doesn’t-he-look-honest farmers all over the country. Grizzled farmer Jonathon Deen was quoted as saying “yeah nah”, a sentiment echoed by many others of his profession. Already One News has seen a large spike in the Grizzled Farmer demographic, with at least a 25 per cent projected increase in the Hardworking Farmer demographic. CEO of TVNZ Kevin Kenrick in an interview over the move said “farmers are really the way forward. As such, livestock is the way forward. It then of course follows that cows are the way forward; it’s an obvious move”. When pressed further as to what One News planned to do with regards to non-cattle related stories such as those that focused on developing laws, world events or even the staple weekly updates on the NovoPay system, Kevin Kenrick replied that “those kinds of stories are fine, but they don’t have cows in them so they’re not relevant to New Zealanders. Unless cows start getting paid by the NovoPay system, we just won’t be covering it as much”. NovoPay spokespersons declined to comment on the possibility of [redacted]ing up paying livestock too.

Some media critics have also embraced the move, saying that it’s an innovative and fresh take on modern news journalism. Media commentator Nigel Rowe said to reporters “it's just brilliant, we really haven’t seen anything like it in years. Possibly the biggest step forward since we started interviewing grieving families and annoying the complete shit out them”. One News is already rumoured to be a steady contender for the Qantas Media Award’s Well Aint’ It a Slow News Day Award for innovative, vapid and time-filling content. The reception from the critics sector has not been all positive with Sheep News representative Collin Matherson releasing an incredibly long and woolly statement in which he described the increase of bovine-related stories as “pretty much borderline racist if you think about it. It’s a stretch, but you can get there”. In response TV3 have simply continued to broadcast the same news as they always have, a representative saying “really, Seven Sharp is enough of a nail in their coffin, we’ll just keep going as we are thanks”. Rumours of a TV3 increase in sheep related stories have been neither confirmed nor denied but labelled as “shear silliness”.

Twisty Tricks for Tips By Nilam Patel An 11-year-old boy from Ellerslie who set out to earn some lunch money can now eat like a king after solving Rubik’s cube puzzles at Auckland night markets. Anthony Shao has earned up to $170 in one night, because he can solve a three by three Rubik’s cube in 12 seconds as he’s been practicing for almost two years now. This is more than half way to The Guinness World Record for the fastest time to solve a Rubik’s Cube which is currently 6.24 seconds, held by Feliks Zemdegs in Australia, in 2011. Anthony started busking at the night markets in December last year and has since been attending on Saturday and Sunday nights. It was Yan Wang, Anthony’s mother, who came up with the idea of busking at the night markets by entertaining people with his yoyo skills, which didn’t earn him a lot initially. “When we’ve had family gatherings the little girls usually performed singing and dancing and he performed with his yoyos. So I got an idea, that he could entertain people at the night markets,” says Ms Wang. Ms Wang had approached the Auckland night market manager saying her little boy wanted to earn some pocket money.

“Maybe $20 dollars might be enough, to use for the following week’s lunch.” But Anthony has surpassed their expectations as he earns on average “$40 to $50 dollars a night,” says Ms Wang. Anthony’s addiction started when his father had gone to China for a holiday and brought back a few Rubiks cubes for him. Since then he has been practicing hard, “I played around with them and then watched YouTube tutorials to teach myself and my mum also knew a little bit, so she taught me.” Ms Wang says she knew how to solve the basic Rubik’s Cubes since she had grown up with them too. “I thought it was a very good toy for children his age rather than a computer. And he just got really addicted to it and liked it. Once there were only the basic three by three cubes, but now there are all different kinds of shapes.” “Every time a family member or a friend goes back to China, we get them to bring back a few more for Anthony.” The night markets are held at Westfield Shopping Center’s in Pakuranga on Saturday nights and in Glenfield, North Shore on Sunday nights.

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Punchy Assaults: The art of criticism By Nigel Moffiet "Sir: I am seated in the smallest room in the house. Your review is before me. Shortly it will be behind me." German composer Max Reger responding to a critic.

nothing more exhilarating than a well-articulated assault with words – his writing hits the mark and he packs a good punch when it’s needed.

A bad review slashes an ego like a claw across the face. You can empty your pockets and throw as much cash around as you like but not even a $250 million production saved Disney’s latest big screen flop The Lone Ranger from crossfire of rotten tomatoes and critical scorn. If Johnny Depp couldn’t save it, I don’t know what could. Rolling Stone critic Peter Travis posed the question how such a film could crash so badly. He answered bluntly and unimaginatively: “Because the movie sucks, that's why.”

Critiquing the 1998 film The Water Boy starring Adam Sandler, Ebert said the lead character’s voice is akin to “fingernails on a blackboard”. Sandler’s voice is “made of a lisp, a whine, a nasal grating and an accent that nobody in Louisiana actually has.”

Of course, Travis isn’t the only influential critic to articulate such disdain. The late Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, famous for his thumbs-up trade mark, even published a book titled Your Movie Sucks. For more than 40 years as a film critic, Ebert must have seen tens of thousands of movies; it’s said he would see 500 every year. In 1975 he made history by becoming the first film critic to win the Pulitzer Prize: his attacks were suddenly entwined with authority. Sometimes Ebert’s dislike turned to disdain and as a reader there’s

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Ebert also attacked the 2001 film Freddy Got Fingered, starring Tom Green, labelled one of the worst films of all time. Film review website Rotten Tomatoes gives the film a rating of 11% based on reviews from 93 professional critics. Of course, Ebert knocked the shit out of this one too: “This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.” In the film animals are violated and there’s a scene where a new born baby is swung around the room from its umbilical cord (just to name a few depravities) – it’s so bad that The Toronto Star did the unprecedented and gave it "negative one star out of five stars."

But if there’s one thing in the world more controversial than swinging a new-born baby from its umbilical cord it’s being a Harry Potter hater. Surely no such creature exists you say – at least no one with the balls to own up to such heresy. Well, for all you little Potterphiles out there, let me introduce you to real life Voldemort: influential literary critic and Yale professor Harold Bloom. In an article published in a 2003 Boston Globe article titled ‘Dumbing down American Readers’, Bloom describes how he purchased a copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone from the Yale University bookshop and “suffered a great deal” while reading it. “The writing was dreadful; the book was terrible. As I read, I noticed that every time a character went for a walk, the author wrote instead that the character "stretched his legs." I began marking on the back of an envelope every time that phrase was repeated. I stopped only after I had marked the envelope several dozen times. I was incredulous. Rowling's mind is so governed by cliches and dead metaphors that she has no other style of writing,” says Bloom. Of course, Bloom received a great deal of criticism for his elitist assault and he responded by asking the question: “can 35 million book buyers be wrong?” His answer: “yes”. Receiving a bad review may not be a happy experience for an artist but at least there’s the chance for redemption with a follow up work. This may be harder to do in the food industry. A negative food review could be enough to put a bad restaurant out of business. In the culinary industry a “spend your money somewhere else” review is to be avoided.

'A critical attack of a beloved band or pop star is enough to call in the armed defenders squad or ring up Kevin Costner and ask him to be your body guard.' Professional restaurant critic of The Observer Jay Rayner says readers salivate for festering reviews. “[I]f there is one thing I have learnt it is that people like reviews of bad restaurants. No, scratch that. They adore them, feast upon them like starving vultures who have spotted fly-blown carrion out in the bush,” says Rayner who has been a critic for more than 10 years and reviewed more than 700 restaurants. An online search of Reyner’s reviews will soon lead you to his less pleasurable dining experiences. In one random review he critiqued a London restaurant called STK. Reyner says: “Rubbish spelling is the least of their worries at STK – a 'female-friendly' steakhouse with a macho mindset.

is a dream to win a grammy. Was I upset... yes.” Beliebers (Bieber fans) were furious and Spalding was threatened. Her Wikipedia page was attacked with comments: "F***ING REATARD [sic]" Even Bieber’s one time girlfriend Selena Gomez received jealous death threats after she was snapped kissing the Beebs. One Belieber sent this to her Twitter page: 'Roses are red, violets are blue, @ selenagomez if you'll break @justinbieber's heart I'm gonna kill you'. So naturally I was nervous when current debate editor Matthew Cattin gave a one-and-a-half star review to Bieber’s Believe album in issue 15 of last year’s mag. Cattin expressed the opinion that the Beebs is “a little diva with a big head, a big attitude and a small nob”. I feel the only thing that saved us from Molotov cocktail attacks that week was the half extra star that was generously, strangely awarded in his review of the album (indeed, that he gave it any stars at all): it was clear that deep down there was a Belieber lurking; that one day he would Believe. Cattin did go on to mention that Bieber “handled the testicle –drop transition quite well” and he even “enjoyed it far more than the baby baby song”. Surely this is what appeased a potentially violent situation. I too was exposed to criticism editing debate last year. I was shocked how anyone could rubbish a publication of such class and elegance, but some did. Someone was so enraged with the apparent lack of quality they labelled the mag “a crying shame” and said it was pretty much the most appalling publication ever. Another reader criticised “the lack of original content” and handed in their resignation as a reader saying they would revert to textbooks instead. I couldn’t help myself, and I was snarky with my reply which encouraged the reading of textbooks. This prompted another reader to smack my bottom with unfortunate spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and sloppiness. I raised my hands, defeated. “Show a shred of professionalism, inprove [sic] the quality and content, and take some responsibility for your work and your mistakes… you responded in a mostunprofessional manner, showing what a small person you really are.” Like Toto pulling back the curtain to reveal the pathetic man claiming to be The AllPowerful and Mighty Oz, I felt naked and vulnerable. But there’s an art to handling criticism just as there’s an art to stabbing computer keys with lethal blows and damming words. The Art of Manliness website advices (and aside from the cultivation of beards this also applies to women) people to, as hard as it is, thank their critic – stay calm, listen, swallow your pride and say “Thanks for showing me that I was wrong! “They took the time to sit down with you and point out areas where you can improve. The least you can do is say thanks.” But what about the critic? They too should follow protocol with a “cool, calm and collected” manner. They should be specific with their criticism; diplomatic even. They should point out positives and directions for improvement and they should always “criticize the action, not the person”.

“Vowels are useful little blighters. With them the word Steak becomes a serviceable, if blunt name for a restaurant. Without them it becomes STK, and that just sounds like a nasty sexually transmitted disease.”

However Richard Brody writes in The New Yorker that the onus is on the critics to take responsibility for their criticism – “If criticism is the turning of the secondary (the critic’s judgment) into the primary, then the judgment should, in turn, be judged. Criticism, if it’s worth anything at all, is, first of all, self-criticism.

But Rayner ends on a high note: “Then again it is a female-friendly steakhouse. I went for a wee and felt my oestrogen levels leap. It was the high point of the evening.”

“There’s no particular method for practicing criticism, no technique to prescribe and no tone to recommend, any more than there is for art. It’s a matter of sensibility—and of sensitivity,” says Brody.

A bad restaurant review has the potential to financially ruin a business but it’s still less controversial than politics and religion. Music isn’t. A critical attack of a beloved band or pop star is enough to call in the armed defenders squad or ring up Kevin Costner and ask him to be your body guard.

To influential American rock critic Richard Meltzer after publishing an article critical of Paul McCartney:

When Esperanza Spalding won "best newcomer" at the 2011 Grammies she was unfortunate to have been up against Justin Bieber. The Beebs was disappointed and took to Twitter to console his distraught fans: “of course I wanted to win. Its [sic] been & still

“The other day I was at a newsstand with a friend, when suddenly she cried out, ‘Jesus, there is some jerk named Meltzer around, cutting down Paul McCartney!!!’ Listen, bud, we’ve never heard of you…or your kind. We’ve heard of critics, but this is hitting below the belt...You’re no fit for Paul to spit on. You aren’t fit for him to use as toilet paper…You have a ½ horsepower brain, pulling a two ton mouth…”

INTRODUCING AUT’S SPIRITUALITY AND CHAPLAINCY SERVICES Do students need chaplains? Students coming to university today are a diverse group ethnically, socio-economically, and religiously. They have high aspirations for educational and occupational success, and university is the means by which students believe they can realise their goals. However, the majority of students are also actively dealing with existential questions. They are searching for deeper meaning in their lives, looking for ways to cultivate their inner selves, determining what they think and feel about the many issues confronting their society and the global community. Essentially, students grapple with spiritual questions. How a student deals with these questions affects very many practical decisions that they will have to make, including choices of courses, majors, and careers; whether they opt to stay at university or drop out; and whether they decide to pursue postgraduate or other forms of study. Seeking answers to these questions is also directly relevant to the development of personal qualities such as self-understanding, empathy, caring, and social responsibility. AUT’s Spirituality and Chaplaincy Services (SCS) (positioned within the Health, Counselling and Wellbeing service) offer support which enables students to seek answers to spiritual questions and find a sense of direction in their lives. We operate within a multi-faith framework – meaning that SCS cares for students and staff from all faiths and none. Students may explore their spiritual questions by joining a faith or religious group on campus or by engaging with our experienced and approachable Chaplains. Who is a Chaplain? Though originally the word ‘chaplain’ referred to representatives of the Christian faith, it is now also applied to representatives of other religions traditions. A Chaplain is essentially a representative of a spiritual or philosophical belief system who is accredited and authorised by their faith body or an organization and assigned to serve in an institution. Currently, AUT has six chaplains (see our Facebook Page (AUT's Spirituality and Chaplaincy Services) and AUT Website (Spirituality and chaplaincy) for more information and individual contact information, office hours, and activities). Chaplains provide pastoral care; spiritual teachings and guidance; facilitate discussions on ethics and social justice; and network with local faith communities. Get-In-Touch Chaplains are available on campus by appointment and/or drop-in. We also welcome anonymous engagement/questions. Just email irene.ayallo@aut.ac.nz or amanda.lees@aut.ac.nz, or feel free to direct your issue to a specific chaplain. There are Multi-Faith rooms and Muslim prayer rooms in the City Campus and North Shore Campus for the use of AUT staff and students for spiritual/religious observances and related activities. For more information, email amanda.lees@aut.ac.nz or phone (09) 921 9992. Upcoming Events The SCS team also facilitates stimulating multi-faith dialogue and discussions on a range of topics. Our next forum in Semester 2 will be on August 1, 2013. It will focus on Death, Dying and the Afterlife and will be held at WB307 City Campus. Please check our website for other forums.

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Meditation Could bE good for you by Rachel Peters I few years ago I was going through a rough time. I guess I was having a little battle with self esteem and I was not winning. A friend of mine recommended that I go to a 10 day silent mediation camp that he had come back from about six months prior. My mum was worried that I was going to be swept off into a cult, but really there is nothing to fear about Vipassana. It is not religious and they do not try to recruit you to pay big bills either. The whole thing is run by donations and volunteers. I had just gotten back from a sin-filled New Years at Rhythm and Vines and it was the ultimate detox. The 10 days of vegan food, only fruit after mid-day, and waking at 5 a.m. to begin the daily 12 hours of meditation proved to be more intense than I anticipated. I am glad I did it, but the thought of returning for round two is remaining ever pencilled and not penned on my yearly planner. However, one thing that I can be sure is the benefits of practicing meditation. It may seem a little wishy-washy for some people. When I told my uncle it was a good way to beat stress. He replied “of course sitting on your arse all day is a good way to relax, but some people have to work.” I felt that he missed the point. Meditation really is for everybody and can be especially handy when studying and focusing on getting though an ever increasing mountain of work. One significant thing meditation has help me with is my undiagnosed but apparent ADHD. I have always struggled to sit still for 10- 15 minutes and tend to judge a movie as good if I didn’t get up at some stage to meander to the lobby, bathrooms and counter. I often try to do about 10 things and once while watching a show only to get annoyed at myself for my inability to read, watch, do yoga and converse at the same time. My greatest struggle in meditation is allowing myself to be still. But slowly meditation has given me the ability not to observe, and to concentrate on tasks with singular focus. Science has been catching up on the trend that was once seen as hogwash and the results all confirm all round benefits. Recent studies have shown that people who meditate have increased alpha waves and decreased anxiety, along with this regular practice reduces risk of heart disease and the reduction of stress can give the immune system a big boost. Most people in their young 20’s are told that these are the best years of their lives, and there is certainly pressure to live up to that, but certainly for people I know. It can be a daunting time full of struggle, depression, disordered eating, and struggles with drugs and alcohol. Mediation can help you connect with the present, find happiness and gratitude and give you the valuable tool of being able to free yourself of being a victim to thoughts, feelings and anxieties. The best way to meditate is not to expect anything out of it, especially overnight results. I have found that it is better to reserve judgement on the results of mediation as it is an ongoing process, and even if you have been at it for a while, you still experience bad sittings. AUT have Zen meditation Wednesday lunch time in WB 235. I highly recommend going to get a rundown of how it is done by the practising teachers of the Zen Centre.

A Wolf in Director’s Clothing. “I would travel down to Hell and wrestle a film away from the devil if it was necessary.” As with many artistes, film directors are a breed that often walk hand in hand with eccentricity. In fact as I sit here thinking about it, a lot of names are flying at me; Tim Burton, David Lynch, Quentin Tarantino, Stanley Kubrick, Lars Von Trier, Edward Wood, the list goes on. But there is one name that tops every list, one name that leaves the rest of the pack miles behind to marvel in their own relative sanity. The name is Werner Herzog. Born in Germany in 1942, Herzog killed his first man when he was 13-years-old. Well… Not really... but I feel like it’s probably safe to assume he’s killed several. Working in both documentary and fiction, Herzog has received much acclaim over the years both for his directing skills and also for being the baddest of the bad. Married three times, it has been rumoured that no woman can tame him – he is almost robotic in his toughness and if you can find me a crazier director, I’ll eat my shoe. Directors are notorious for pushing their leading actors to the limits, but I’ve never heard of anything quite like this: During the shooting (PUN) of Aguirre Wrath of God in 1972, Herzog’s leading man Klaus Kinski was pushed so far that he decided to call it quits. Here’s Herzog’s account of what happened next. “Kinski walked off, packed all his things and was absolutely serious about quitting and leaving at once — he’d already broken his contract 40 or 50 times. I went up to him and said, ‘You can’t do this.’ I told him I had a rifle and that he’d only make it as far as the first bend before he had eight bullets in his head — the ninth one would be for me.” Although Herzog has since denied it, people have further claimed he held Kinski at gunpoint for the remainder of the shoot. Classic Herzog.

by Matthew Cattin

In 1977, a small French island was completely evacuated preceding a volcanic eruption but for a few peasants who decided to stay behind and face death. Herzog heard about the remainders and decided they would make ideal documentary subjects. To hell with the danger of the looming eruption, when there’s a film to be made, there’s no time to be a pussy. So Herzog heads to the island, gets his shots, and makes his documentary. As it turned out, the predicted eruption never amounted to more than a few spits of sulphur but ballsy Herzog was there regardless with no way of escaping the worst case scenario. The man. Herzog’s most ambitious project was a film called Fitzcarraldo, the story of a rubber baron who lugs a ship over a mountain to get from one river to another. Rather than use miniature sets, special effects or cheat shots, Herzog decided that he would attempt the near impossible and pull a 320 tonne ship over a hill in Peru. The project was marred with problems from beginning to end, some of them so intense I find it incredible the film was finished. After a year of filmmaking, Herzog’s lead actor had to pull out due to illness meaning a start from scratch for the film crew. Any other director would probably can the project and bury himself in rom-coms for a while but no, he persevered. A crew member chain-sawed off his own foot after a poisonous snakebite, another was paralyzed and one drowned, the replacement lead actor (Kinski) was driven so mad with isolation and pressure that the local Indians offered to murder him for Herzog, the crew worked through the worst drought in 65 years followed by the worst rainy season in history and to top it off, a border war broke out between Peru and Ecuador and soldiers burnt down the production camp. And it only took five years to complete…

Herzog once made a bet with film director Errol Morris that he would never finish a feature film but if that day ever came, he would eat his own shoe. Inspired as you can probably imagine, Morris did in fact finish his film and true to his word, Herzog ate his shoe. Apparently it was boiled for five hours and laced with garlic and herbs. Sounds doable? During a 2006 BBC interview in LA, Herzog was shot with an air rifle mid-conversation. It’s all on YouTube so I would definitely recommend you check it out to experience just how tough the bastard is. He barely even flinches. There is a loud crack, a small response and then, like it’s an everyday occurrence Herzog says, “oh, someone is shooting at us. We must go.” So they shifted the interview indoors and Herzog reveals the injury, a tennis ball-sized bruise with a bleeding hole just on his waistline. “It was not a significant bullet,” says Herzog to the camera, “I am not afraid.”

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I have realised that I just don’t actually like it very much. Yeah, it’s great to see photos from friends that live overseas or to stalk a potential love interest, but further than that, it doesn’t really appeal to me any more. My news feed these days is filled with viral videos and pictures of my ‘friends’ (acquaintances from primary school) attempting to look attractive. Occasionally an interesting link will pop up and I’ll read that, or a funny status might appear and that’ll make me smile for a second. The other 99% of the time it consists of mindless scrolling and inordinate amounts of time looking through photos of people I don’t know from the year 2009. Just before exams I downloaded an extension for Safari called ‘WasteNoTime’ which tracks how much time you spend on individual websites and allows you to set time restrictions for them. In the last month alone, I spent over 44 hours on Facebook. Let me rephrase that: I wasted almost two entire days of my last month on a website that doesn’t even bring me that much joy. That’s disgraceful. And embarrassing. A while ago I was on holiday and away from reception and Internet for almost a week. For the first few days I was fretting and itching to see what was happening on Facebook. “Who broke up with who? Who got tagged drunk with a cartoon penis drawn on their forehead?” But as the week progressed, I felt freer. I didn’t care so much. In fact, when I got home, I didn’t even check Facebook straight away. Why? I forgot. A week in rehab without my drug and I was already well on my way to overcoming my addiction. But it’s a slippery slope, and within days, I suffered a relapse. We spend colossal amounts of our precious time consuming things that others have created, with TV and the Internet the leading causes of our unproductivity. And this isn’t saying that TV and the Internet are bad in and of themselves, in fact, I think they can be good things. But actually

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our responses to these things - especially Facebook – can really impact our lives, consciously and unconsciously.

Facebook seems to be one big gathering of pretty people in pretty places with pretty friends and their thriving social lives. But actually our profile on Facebook is not our life; it is a highlights package... Often I find myself scanning photos and profiles and these things actually make me feel melancholic. Facebook seems to be one big gathering of pretty people in pretty places with pretty friends and their thriving social lives. But actually our profile on Facebook is not our life; it is a highlights package, and the problem lies within our perception of this. We see these people and assume that this actually is their every day normal life, when in fact we’re forgetting this is their highlights package. Our Facebook profiles are carefully constructed portrayals of our lives, and unfortunately our brains aren’t fully cognizant of this. Our friends don’t spend every night with their model friends in hip bars no one has heard of, but because that’s all we see, that’s what we assume is the case. (We don’t see them when they’ve just woken up or when they’re crying in bed because they secretly hate their life.) And in many cases, we sit on our couch at home with our parents experiencing waves of self-consolation in the form of blankets and sugary food screaming ‘WHY DON’T I KNOW ANYONE WHO WORKS FOR RED 11?!’

According to a study from Utah Valley University, the more time we spend on Facebook, the more we agree with the statement that others are happier and have better lives, and the less we agree that life is fair. Humboldt University in Berlin also found that one in three people felt worse about their lives after visiting Facebook, stemming from our ever-increasing propensity for social comparison. I think we’re programmed to spend time with others; we’re social creatures. While Facebook may create a semblance of spending time with someone, and however lauded this so-called ‘social network’ is it, is no replacement for actual human contact. It’s important to ask ourselves how much time we’ve spent doing something that adds to our value as a human, or when the last time we spent meaningful time with someone away from the distractions of technology was. In the 44 hours I spent on Facebook last month, I don’t think I achieved anything. Those 44 hours didn’t benefit me in any way. Not one. I wish now that I had spent that time more wisely, like learning a new skill, hanging out with friends or going to the gym. And that’s the way I’ve started to look at my life. I want to do things that I am proud of: creating things, becoming a better person, and connecting with people in real life. When I’m on my deathbed, I want to smile and be satisfied with what I have achieved. And that means less time online. Do you really think you’ll get to the end of your life and wish that you’d spent more time on Facebook?

UN-FRIENDS

5 Annoying Facebook Friends by Matthew Cattin

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned A particularly cringe-worthy group of users is the strong, independent, single women who definitely don’t need no man. Usually, these girls have fresh wounds from a recent break up and seem to use Facebook as a means to prove their (and their gender’s) strength, independence and worth. They like scores of groups such as ‘A relationship is not a test so why cheat?’ and ‘Expecting too much is one way of hurting yourself’ and constantly share a mix of inspirational girl power and depressing forever-alone posts. They are also known to post one or two word status updates such as “sad today”, “boys suck” or the enigmatic smiley cry for attention “ : ( ”. Their single friends support network will take the bait within minutes, expressing their care with kind words such as “u ok bubi? Luv u” or “babe whts up? Your beautiful.” #embarrassing.

The newly-spawned. The minute their eggs hatch, new mothers develop a fierce and notorious habit of posting hourly updates of every god damn development their new kid makes. Their profile picture becomes replaced with their balding, chubby spawn and from here on in, it’s as though the baby has its own profile. Perhaps it’s because new mums have time off work or something but my GOD, it is just non-stop. Nobody cares how cute your kid looks in his Dora socks and nobody wants to hear about your trip to the park this morning. Public documentation of a whole life is a bit too creepy for my liking – if a kid is on Facebook from birth, what hope does he/she have of EVER being cool?! The legitimate stalker.

What is existence? Why is there something rather than nothing? Can we really have free will? Are these questions suitable for Facebook or do they make the asker look like a total douche? Sadly, the only question I know the answer to is the latter – yes, yes they do. Facebook seems to have two extremes and not a lot in the middle. There are those that update often on the most mundane aspects of life, and there are those who ask freaking ridiculous philosophical questions in an attempt to appear learned. It’s pathetic – particularly when the post is riddled with spelling and grammar errors. Kind of kills the tone of your wankiness…

#Carbload Making the most of the opportunities for narcissism that social networking provides, gym fiends tend to use Facebook as a confidence booster – a reassurance that their favourite mirror is not deceiving them. Profile pictures are usually topless or in a singlet to expose those biceps they’ve been targeting so precisely and after a particularly intensive workout, they’ll usually let you know about it in a status update; “faaarrrk really got the reps in today benched 115 for the first time. Trainer is proud, time for dinner and a relax #pumped #hungry #protein.” Luckily too for the rest of Facebook, the gym fiends also have apps that automatically update their fitness progress onto their page so we can keep more up to date with their fine tuning. #revolutionaryfitness

I see you... Facebook stalkers are the serial killers of social networking – they operate in the dead of the night, they target the beautiful, the vulnerable and the strange, and they leave a bread crumb trail wherever they go. Why? Because a small little corner of their black hearts is dying to be caught. Have you ever received a notification announcing that “Susan Stalker likes your photo,” only to check the date and realise it was uploaded in 2009? That’s when you know the problem is serious. And the saddest part of the whole ordeal is you just know she started at 2013 and has been scrolling down, down, down, down, whilst drooling and listening to The Fray. www.ausm.org.nz

by Nigel Moffiet

After six months in the classroom Ruby Knight is thriving as a fast tracked teacher, yet some in the education sector remain weary of the latest training scheme. Not for profit organisation Teach First NZ, in partnership with The University of Auckland, enables top selected graduates entry into schools after six weeks’ intensive teacher training. Knight, 23, who completed a double degree in science and the arts at Canterbury University, is now an English teacher at Alfriston College, Auckland. She is among the first 16 teachers to be placed into employment through the programme. Knight is happy with her new job and describes the experience as a “significant challenge”. “I feel like I’ve never learnt so much in my life,” she says. “It’s been such a huge learning curve and hugely personally challenging but it’s just been so amazing at the same time because of the support.” The initiative places teachers in low decile secondary schools in short staffed subjects like maths, science, English and Te Reo Maori. The first group of teachers were placed in nine schools throughout Auckland and Northland at the beginning of the year. Teach First NZ chief executive Shaun Sutton says school principals have been very supportive of the programme. “At the end of the day the programme is demand driven,” says Sutton speaking to debate. “We only support schools where we’re wanted.”

“I think it captures the idea that many have, that anyone can teach.” “If you know your subjects you don’t need to learn to teach…which is very demeaning in some ways to the profession and doesn’t show any understanding of what’s involved in the act of teaching.”

“A scheme that may or may not work, depending on the context, is not good enough. It gambles with the future of New Zealand’s students.”

“The initial concern I think was focused very much on that six weeks in the belief that basically everything was decided in the six weeks and we would have teachers fully turned out into the schools and of course over time we’re certainly very impressed with Teach First NZ,” said Duff. Alfriston College teacher Steve Bodger mentors Knight and says she has been “awesome”. “She’s really thriving in the environment, being around other teachers and learning from other teachers, being part of the whānau. I don’t think she’s ever felt like an outsider. “If the other participants are anything like Ruby then it’s an awesome thing to be doing,” he says.

-Robin Duff

Knight says one of the biggest challenges so far has been meeting the needs of the students.

However Sutton stresses that there is much more than the initial six weeks’ intensive training.

“Figuring out how you as one person can meet the needs of such a diverse range of students and figuring out how you can really give them the best opportunities that they can have,” she says.

(PPTA Vice President)

“We support them over the two years through a rigorous mentoring and training programme in schools…they have an in school mentor and they also have a visiting curriculum specialist from the university who comes into the school every two to three weeks to support then in their teaching, observations, and on going course work.” The New Zealand Post Primary Teachers’ Association (PPTA) has also expressed doubts about the scheme. PPTA vice president Robin Duff has expressed concern over the lack of research on fast track teacher training schemes in a New Zealand environment.

Meanwhile Bodger points out another positive aspect of the programme. “It’s great for me as well because it keeps me on my game. It makes me do better, we plan together, we teach together and I have to make sure I’m on top of my game and practice what I preach. So they kind of get two good teachers out of it.” However, McCabe remains unconvinced and says he would not be happy if he were asked to be a mentor at his school.

On the PPTA website Duff is quoted: “A scheme that may or may not work, depending on the context, is not good enough. It gambles with the future of New Zealand’s students.”

“If it turns out that Teach First teachers are as competent as beginning teachers who have been registered by the Teachers’ Council having gone through a course of training then I’d be willing to look at that. In that case we’d need to start looking at the need for teacher training. Why do we even bother with it in the first place?”

One such critic is Steve McCabe, a teacher with 20 years’ experience who teaches at a decile 2 school in South Auckland.

Yet, speaking to Radio New Zealand in January this year Duff says the PPTA’s initial fears have been allayed.

Tackling “educational inequality” is the core statement of Teach First NZ and Sutton says he is excited about the future of this vision.

In January last year McCabe wrote an opinion piece for The New Zealand Herald titled ‘Pupils don’t deserve to be Teach First guinea pigs’. Speaking to debate, he says his views haven’t changed.

“We’re always cautious in these areas but we certainly accept that we’ve moved some considerable way towards a professional relationship with the group.

“Over the long term we aim to build a community of our Teach First NZ alumni who remain connected to each other and also connected to education no matter what they end up doing.”

In response to criticism that the scheme undermines graduates who have spent a year in teachers’ college Sutton says the programme “aims to increase the status of teaching rather than decrease the status”.

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image source: wikimedia

Viva La Theatre (a Lament) by Augustus Bloodsworth

Theatre has been entertaining the aristocratic, royalty and the great unwashed often in the same room for centuries. Through the rise of court jesters to the Globe, we’ve relied on theatre to examine the human condition and also provide hours of, often less than wholesome, entertainment. As the centuries have worn on however, theatre has become less important in a country that hates its artists and by a people that are glued to screens. We’ve let slip one of the greatest past times of human history and a form of art that’s faced religious persecution for the longest times. One of the most gripping aspects of theatre is the rawness that comes with a live performance. We know, of course, that hundreds of hours go into preparing and rehearsing for an opening night and the season of a show. But nothing portrays raw human emotion quite like a live performance. Titus Livius Patavinus (better known simply as “Livy”), author of the spectacular history of Rome and its people Ab Urbe Condita Libri, wrote that Romans first experienced theatre in the fourth century BCE. It was performed by the ancient Italian people known as Etruscan. By the time 1642 had come around, theatre had swept through Greece and given rise to the Tragedies, Comedies and Drama. The time of Shakespeare had come and the man left the world in almost as much mystery as he’d come in. 1642 however saw a point where the English theatre came to a grinding halt as the Puritans screamed sin and the devil and attempted to force it out of England. Much to their dismay, I’m sure, it made an explosive return when Charles II returned to the throne. Charles, like the Puritan-induced smothering, didn’t last long and he died after an epileptic fit on February 2nd 1685. (His almost last words to his brother James were, "be well to Portsmouth and let not poor Nelly starve to death." Important, I suppose, not to spite the mistresses even in death.) As evidently thrilling as the theatre’s coming of age story is, there is much more to it than the long history, especially in relation to what we see on stage now. Arguably, a Marilyn Manson show is as much theatre (in the broadest sense of the term) as it is rock concert. Manson has been picketed and protested against by churches across America. Religious fascism in stage performances is by no means a new conception. Bishop Jeremy Collier (who also happens to have

held the title of theatre critic) who published A Short View of the Immorality and Profaneness of the English Stage (March 1698) was among other non-theatre attendees convinced that immoral actions on stage caused immoral audiences. For centuries theatre has been dealing with all of the sides of life that are inherently ‘evil’. Whether they be lust and betrayal or the controversy of aestheticism, plays (whether Wilde agreed or not) have been examining and continue to examine human nature and morality. They, much like every other form of art have also been protested by the religious - those that have joined the ranks of the sin screaming puritans are none other than the media friendly and excessively irritating Westboro Baptist Church. To think if something is so much protested, then it must be doing something quite right. Theatre as we’ve seen over the centuries has, and will continue to, challenge everything we’ve perceived about morality and humanity. Given that it was much more powerful in its day, so to speak, theatre has taken a backseat to our beloved TV entertainment and now is almost the preserve of the cultured. This is wholly unfortunate when one considers that across both the Western and Eastern worlds it has provided entertainment and social commentary for literally all types of people. In Shakespeare’s day, plays such as Hamlet would run almost four hours and peasants would pay 1 penny to stand the plays duration. Theatre has not only been an exposure of the human evil, but much in the same way entertainment does now, it humanised fears and realities. Plague masks and in fact, plays about the plague humanised and even turned such things into comedy. Theatre is by no means dead, but it seems, despite its long history, it is being lost incrementally and in a world of free entertainment, it’s hardly surprising. We’re passing over live performances for streaming TV shows and movies, and hours on a couch. Theatre is a victim to the environment as much as it is of technology. It has always been expensive, when admission was a penny it was still the equivalent of two days’ work. Now admission prices are out of reach for most people and so, naturally, it loses out to freer, cheaper entertainment.

AN ODE TO THE COMPACT DISC

by Abigail Johnson Recently, after watching a lot of Lana Del Rey videos on YouTube, I decided I needed to stop wasting my internet, and buy her CD. So, when I was next in town, I stopped by JBHIFI to pick it up. The off-putting-even-though-I’m-not-shoplifting door man was there as usual, but I was surprised by what I saw next. It was just laptops. And computers. And televisions. It was just tech stuff, and I almost wondered if I had walked into the wrong yellow tech store. But I kept walking. Past the apple merch. Past the DVDS, the box-set specials, until FINALLY I reached the CD section, abandoned and quiet. What had happened to my magical CD shop? The shop that proudly displayed rows of categorised music; pop, heavy metal, funk, alternative, soul? I turned my head back towards the front of the store and watched as people buzzed about playing with iPads, and I realized that this CD corner was only going to get smaller. In 2006 that shop meant the world to me. Something in me switched that year, it was almost as if a young Zooey Deschanel had whispered in MY ear to “look under your bed, it’ll set you free”*. Aged 13 I started a journey of self-discovery. In the year that everyone was discovering Rihanna, I was discovering so much more, and most Friday nights I would take my $20 pocket money along to the mall and buy a new CD for my growing collection. I was obsessed with Axl Rose, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, and Robert Plant. And each week meant a new CD to find and treasure. First I discovered the eighties. Then the seventies. And then Bowie and Iggy and Lou. I loved pouring through those rows of CDs. The artwork on the covers. The cool men with dark glasses and melancholic expressions. I would find a $19 dollar CD, pay for it at the counter, and swing my yellow bag around proudly for everyone at the mall to see. I would join my parents at Muffin Break and open the thing up, look at the art work, read the stories and acknowledgements, feeling my

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anticipation grow. It was exciting. A new possession. A new addition to the stack, another ‘cool point’**. Not in the lame sense of ‘cool’ that everyone else at school seemed to value, but in the true sense of the word. Cool in the old way. The ‘I don’t give a fuck’ way. On the ride home I would hold the pulled-out cover up to the car window and look at the pictures again by street and moon light. The lights always brought the pictures to life, when another car passed us it was like Courtney Love was winking at me. I would decide what song I would listen to first. If I knew a single I would start with that. If I didn’t know any of them I would start from the beginning. I didn’t know what Bob Dylan sounded like when I bought his greatest hits, only that he was apparently the greatest singer ever. When we finally got home I would place the thing in my CD player and listen. And learn. And fall in love. And discover another part of myself. I would turn off my lights and listen by candlelight (okay, I was a bit weird). And that would be me for another week. AC/DC, Metallica, whatever. That would be my identity for that week or that fortnight, or month. And so it went, my musical discovery coinciding with my selfdiscovery. But it was more than the music. It was the experience. The anticipation, the damn physical CDs. They were meaningful, they were precious, and the CD shops were like an escape haven. I’m sad to see them dissipate. JBHIFI becoming Dick Smiths, and Marbecks becoming Starbucks. I suppose they have to look to the future, but the ability to find and hold music physically is a dying art. Those CD purchases were meaningful, as were tape and record purchases for the older generations. I feel for the next generation, who won’ be able to do that at all. *Kudos to those of you who get this Almost Famous reference **I realise using the term cool points makes me extremely un-cool

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON by Matthew Cattin

Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour once said in an interview his one regret was not being able to listen to Dark Side of the Moon the whole way through for the very first time. As a fan, who remembers my first Dark Side experience, I feel the man’s pain – the album’s magic would be vanquished by the emptiness one gets learning a magician’s trick. I still remember very clearly the first time I heard it. I used to busk a lot at the local plaza, just with an acoustic guitar and a smile – you know how it is, anything for a dollar. Anyway, after a solid busk, when the gold covered the bottom of the case, I’d reward myself with an album. Dark Side was the first such album of what became tradition. I wandered home, counted my coin, admired the album art and popped it into my disc-man. I went and lay in the sun on our outdoor table, headphones blocking out the world. I remember for the next forty odd minutes, I was completely lost in the music. The sun beat down something fierce, I could feel the pressure of its weight and the vibration in my ears. All of the tracks blend together seamlessly to create not just a series of songs but an experience, a dream. When it was all over, it felt like waking up. Since first hearing it, the album has taken on a beautiful nostalgic vibe with each spin. Thanks to a few like-minded friends, it’s not rare for us to play the record start-to-finish at nightly gatherings and road trips. Talking ceases, candles are lit, beers are opened and it’s time for uninterrupted Dark Side – probably the same way kids our age used to do it forty years ago. Ahead of its time when released, it has somehow retained an ageless quality that few albums have been able to achieve. Take the Beatles for example – their music will live on eternally I’m sure, but their style does sound quite oldfashioned. With Floyd, not so – it could have been put out yesterday. To celebrate its timeless awesomeness, here are a few awesome facts about Dark Side.

Although the band has denied it was premeditated, Dark Side links up eerily well when played as the soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz, a phenomenon dubbed Dark Side of the Rainbow. I have a copy on hard drive and have watched it through a couple of times and while I too don’t believe it was intentional/the work of Satan, it is rather impressive both rhythmically and thematically. For example, the lyrics “balanced on the biggest wave, you race towards an early grave,” synchs perfectly to a shot of Dorothy balancing on a fence, losing her footing and falling into the pig pen – just one of the moments that makes you think ‘wow… this must have been planned’. Even the iconic cover is said to represent the black and white transition to colour in the film. Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason however let the truth out in 1997 saying "it's absolute nonsense. It has nothing to do with The Wizard of Oz. It was all based on The Sound of Music". Classic. Perhaps the most recognisable album cover of all time, Storm Thorgerson’s rainbow prism triangle apparently wasn’t deliberated on for very long at all – just three minutes. As was his method, Thorgerson brought the band seven design concepts to choose from. After barely a glance, they pointed at the prism. Thorgerson said of the moment “No amount of cajoling would get them to consider any other contender, nor endure further explanation of the prism, or how exactly it might look. ‘That’s it,’ they said in unison, ‘we’ve got to get back to real work,’ and returned forthwith to the studio upstairs.” Dark Side has spent more time in the Billboard top 200 charts than any other album in history – a record I reckon it will hold on to for good. So how many weeks all up? Not 20, not 50, not even 100. No way. 841 weeks. 16 years. That just blows my mind. There are also several sweet cover versions of the album recorded by The Flaming Lips, Phish and Dream Theater among others. My personal favourite of those I’ve heard however has got to be Easy Star All-Stars reggae version Dub Side of the Moon. www.ausm.org.nz

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The Artistic Temperament by Rachel Peters

Does the best art and literature come from those with tortured souls? Does destruction lead to creation? Does extremity create good art? This could certainly be said for writers such as Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Kerouac, and Bukowski, musicians such as Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, and Tom Waits and the posters boys of creative angst and self destruction, Vincent Van Gogh and Jackson Pollock. In my late teens I certainly thought that my own rebellion, questionable drinking habits and constant moodiness at home were perhaps part of my misunderstood uniqueness. In the summer of ‘08 I was very poor and without a job. All my friends were going away for New Years and all I could afford was a second hand book and some KFC. But to be honest I was not as concerned as I should have been. I opened up No-one Here Gets Out Alive and became immersed in the biographical pages of Jim Morrison. It changed my life, and in hindsight, not really for the better. I was deeply affected by it. I clung on to each insight into his life as if it was in some way prophetically enlightening. I started to wear leather. I bought beads for around my neck. I read The Celebration of the Lizard over and over again. I tried and failed to learn guitar. My friends laughed at me, it wasn’t a huge change to be honest- I had previously been through a similar obsession with Jimi Hendrix. But Morrison was much more influenced by literature than Hendrix was; I made sure I read his favourite authors. My friends were confused and I grew increasingly fed up with all acquaintances who I saw as bourgeois philistines that could not see the vision. I was doing very well at dressing and trying to be sensitive, temperamental and denying of my middle class roots. The only problem was that I didn’t have an ounce of talent except for drinking copious amounts of alcohol. After a year or two of increasingly bad relations with family members and a spree of awful relations with male drug-dealers, I decided I had had enough. Work was to take precedent to style and persona; I would go to university and try to commit to something. I can now happily admit that I am no genius and I would get out of that phase of my life alive. After reading increasingly diverse material, I can now see there are many modern writers and artists today who have reached great success without sacrificing their entire mental stability. Haruki Murakami keeps a strict schedule of running every day. He even wrote a book on it. J M Coetzee doesn’t drink, smoke or eat meat. Vladimir Nabokov seems to have preferred a quiet routine too. Waking every

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morning between six and seven, working till ten thirty, filling his days with leisurely strolls, baths, light lunches and making serious contributions to the study of butterflies in his spare time. Kinsley Amis has admitted his getting carried away with drinking is not so much because of creative afflatus, but his- “Oh dear, next time I do this I shall be feeling tense again.” – line of thinking. The difference between these authors and the more well known Hemingway and Fitzgerald, isn’t necessarily quality but the controversy that surrounds them. That is partly what drives the sales of their book, not the originality that comes from destruction, but the fame that comes from controversy. Stephen King may not be the most high brow author, but he certainly knows a lot more about creative work than most, he has expressed that “The idea that the creative endeavour and mind-altering substances are entwined is one of the great pop-intellectual myths of our time ... Substance abusing writers are just substance abusers —. Any claims that the drugs and alcohol are necessary to dull a finer sensibility are just the usual self-serving bullshit. I've heard alcoholic snowplow drivers make the same claim, that they drink to still the demons.” He has a point, I agree that high functioning alcoholics are usually looked at with a sense of awe. I can’t help but be intrigued by someone with dark past or unique outlook and spending one’s life chugging though vodka without any remorse does interest me regardless of literature ability. But, I think the idea that creativity, drugs, alcohol and antidepressants all go together can be dangerous misconception. Certainly some alcoholics are excellent artists. Most sadly, are not. Certainly some artists happen to be alcoholics. Also true, but some great artists are very much stable and happy. What came first, the writer with the drinking problem or the drinker with the writing problem, probably the first. Emulating great artists won’t bring success but hard work might. That is the one thing that all these people have in common. They put in serious hours to get their work done. Even Kerouac, who spent a lot of time drinking and jumping freights sat down for 18 hour stints at the typewriter, if not longer. Certainly these may create interesting experience to draw inspiration from, but any spring runs dry when used too often. One doesn’t have to exhaust oneself in drugs and alcohol to create drama and stave off boredom. All you have to do to create excitement is truly care about your work, and not worry about image. The act of creation is an adventure in itself.

TEARS IN MY

POPCORN by Matthew Cattin Hello. My name is Matthew Cattin… And I’m a movie crier. Yes, I know… It’s all a bit hard to take in. “But what about your pecs and raging biceps?” you ask. Well, perhaps they have something to do with it. Maybe if I spent more time strengthening my emotions rather than my incredible body I wouldn’t collapse into a quivering puddle when Bruce Willis is left behind to die on the asteroid in Armageddon. That was just not friggen fair… I think it all started the first time I saw The Lion King. I distinctly remember balling on the cinema floor behind the seats when Mufasa was trampled to death. That shit was brutal. But then when you think on it, Disney is notorious for squeezing the tears out of kids and adults alike. Look at Bambi’s mother shot down in her prime half way through the film, Quasimodo the lonesome hunchback abused and rejected, John Smith leaving Pocahontas… The list goes on. And then just when I thought I was free of Disney’s bittersweet conclusions, along comes a film that innocently drew me in, cheese grated my organs and spat me out in pieces. It was a rainy day at a friend’s Omaha bach – the year was 2007 and I was at the tender age of 15. My friend’s mum decided to hit up Matakana cinemas and we tagged along. The film of course was Bridge to Terabithia and as a 15-year-old film snob, my expectations were low. The story follows a moody, loner kid Jesse living in a small bible-bashing town. Enter Leslie, a new entrant to Jesse’s school. Smart, bright, chirpy and imaginative, Leslie breathes new life into emo Jesse, bringing him out of his shell and making him believe. BELIEVE. So the pair hit it off and become the best of friends, even finding the time to create an imaginary world Terabithia where they hang out after school. Don’t get me wrong it was a kid’s film through and through – cheesy dialogue, weak acting and terrible CGI. But that was all part of their plan, the bastards. About an hour into the film, Jesse blows off Leslie to go the museum with a school teacher he fancies so Leslie decides to spend the day at Terabithia on her own. But oh what’s that? The rope swing snaps, Leslie falls and drowns in a creek. She just straight up dies. I thought it was a joke at first; surely she was just chilling in Terabithia, right? Wrong. The second half of the film is cutting, depression-inducing, heart wrenching cinema that left me cold for days. How could she just die like that… For the rest of the film, the tears just keep flowing. Now those Disney bastards have caught your attention with a sudden drowning, they rape your tear ducts with every trick they have. There’s furious denial of her death, touching father son moments, Jesse lashing out at his adorable little sister, a return to Terabithia… But it’s just not the same because Leslie is dead, drowned in a cold creek with nobody to help her. Gaaaahh! Here are a few more films that rung me out like a sponge.

50/50

Equal parts funny and mesmerizingly sad, 50/50 was easily one of the best films of 2011. Jack of all trades Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the role of Adam, a 27-year-old fella diagnosed with cancer. His chance of survival, as you might guess, is fifty-fifty. As per usual, Gordon-Levitt really throws himself into the role and will have you rooting for him instantly. In an unscripted scene, filmed at Gordon-Levitt’s insistence, Adam shaves his hair off with his best buddy, played by Seth Rogen. I would recommend a YouTube – it’s hilarious. Hilarious, but also one of the happiest moments in what is quite a soul-destroying film. Watching a man having a break down as he faces the possibility of a premature death well… It’s an emotional ride.

Saving Private Ryan.

Ahhhh Tom Hanks, the idyllic father figure of the 90’s… Why must he always be such a heart breaker?! This film is a tear magnet for many reasons but its graphic depiction of the D-Day landings in particular strike a chord with me. Seeing grown men wet their pants before being shot down like cattle on the beach, young guys crying for their mothers while their guts spill out of their bellies… It’s tough to see but in truth it’s probably a toned down representation of the day. And then there’s Hank’s demise… Oh don’t make me go there…

Titanic.

This film is an absolute soul destroyer and I can’t help but be sucked to the bottom and drowned in my tears. So many sad times… The string quartet playing Nearer, My God, To Thee as the ship starts to tilt, the old couple choosing to stay in bed, the sea of frozen bodies, Rose trying to wake up Jack… It’s such a powerful film. It bestows in you an astounding sense of claustrophobia and panic as the comfortable setting of the last hour and a half starts disintegrating… It’s awful to think how many passengers had no option but to consider the best way to meet certain death. Tear…

Deadpool

Activision Video Game Rating: Reviewed by Jamie Barnes

Deadpool (the merc with the mouth, the regenerating degenerate etc.) has gained a cult following amongst comic book fans for his wild attitude and his batshit insane sense of humour, (revolving around pop culture references and fourth wall jokes) and his incredible fighting and tactical skills. So in an attempt to capitalise on this popularity, a videogame was made in his likeness, trying to capture what makes Deadpool awesome. In terms of his character, for the most part it does that pretty well – it’s a shame that quality doesn’t extend to the game play. As this game is a character piece on Deadpool, you can tell a lot of effort went into the writing of him and his sense of humour, which is pretty funny - the jokes are well acted and they do represent the twisted mind of the Crimson Comedian during the cut scenes and at certain points of progression during the game. Unfortunately the same jokes are used over and over again during the fight sequences, which can get grading. That said his sense of humour works perfectly in the interaction with the other characters he comes into contact with throughout the game, such as the straight-faced Wolverine and Cable, the clearly uncomfortable Rogue and Domino, and weirdly enough Death (yes THE death, as a woman) who plays his love interest in a strange and hilarious way, all of which lead to some great setups and some absolutely hilarious scenes. Unfortunately the writing for Deadpool is simply not enough on its own to carry this game, which for the most part is just plain boring. The plot revolves around the villain “Mr Sinister” who is building an army of clones in order to take over the world (or something) which gives this game the excuse to fight the same four or five types of enemies over and over again throughout the entire game, creating a complete lack of diversity throughout the game and also making it disappointingly easy. How easy? If you only had a morning lecture and played this game start to finish without stopping you could probably have enough time left over in the day to study and be in bed at a reasonable hour, and when I mean done I MEAN done, there are no real “extras” or rewards for completing the game - not even any mini games that you unlock so once you finish there is no real point in repeating it. The Deadpool comics are well worth checking out if you like superheroes, but the final result was a game that you’ll probably be able to get for $10 on mightyape’s daily deals this time next year. If you can’t wait until then, try it on rental since although it’s a pretty cool Deadpool experience it is not worth buying full price. At least he wasn’t played by Ryan Reynolds this time though.

How We Fell

Written by Glenn Colquhoun Rating: Reviewed by Debbie Bennett

We may not sit down with a book of poetry like a novel, but reading How We Fell is worth it. It shatters the fear of boring, difficult poetry. The most outstanding feature could be the layout – it creates a new dimension. Lines are printed diagonally or curve like a strand of hair across the page. How We Fell has a grand entrance, framing the bittersweet love story in paragraphs and implying a ‘sit down, I’m telling the story’ adventure. It includes a sense of classic romance with a comic strip sense of mundane life and heartache. Some great elements include, intriguing language, fanciful pictures and metaphors that cleverly portray a sense of confusion and the poems’ physical structure; how it looks on the page. Refreshingly missing are straight lines of words across the page, outdated language, and a single style. For example: “her eyes that were like two guns (harsh looks) And no one looked because they knew They would get the same treatment” Colquhoun creates some fanciful pictures, expressing a surreal atmosphere. The technique is playful, putting you in a dream world – another way of keeping things interesting. “For a while the sky was purple Love swam like giant whales” These are metaphors done well. The sense of confusion in falling out of love is delicately captured. For example, stormy weather is a picture of a disintegrating relationship - When the water rose we agreed to call it a flood. Also, we may identify confusion as a feeling of spinning out of control, as words literally spiral in the poem And how we fell. However, words are not confined to spirals, or even in horizontal lines. Who would have thought poems could be written in zig zags? The poems sit on the page in original ways. The Negotiation of Ordinary Days literally looks like a weekly diary with handdrawn annotations and the tiny calendar of April and June on the side. The structure is immensely creative. And while the structure and style is clever, it’s also comprehensible. It alludes to things like God, heaven and hell. There are poems on the seasons, the human body and even learning how to swim.These elements don’t tell the story rather they paint it with pictures allowing readers to peer in and see what it means. The poems are crammed with subtext. Every line is accessible in everyday language, yet still poetic. In fact, the kaleidoscope of structures enrich the meaning. How We Fell has taken simple words and concepts to shape deep experiences. There’s variety in everything, but altogether, the poems are cohesive. Colquhoun’s collection is highly recommended.

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Monsters University 3D

Directed: Dan Scanlon Starring:Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Helen Mirren Rating: Reviewed by Abigail Johnson

The problem with Pixar is its very greatness. One tends to expect a lot from the company that created Up, Toy Story and Wall-E. The thing they do so well is heartbreaking emotionality, and Monster’s Inc was one of their greats. It’s also hard to create an epic sequel (or prequel) to a masterpiece, and especially one that so many of us watched as kids. They captured it with Toy Story 3; the silently holding hands in the face of imminent death, the claw, the giving away of the toys. Perfection. They didn’t quite capture it here. In saying that, it is a very well done film, and the expectation of greatness shouldn’t be held against it. It fleshes out Mike and Sully’s relationship, and hearing Billy Crystal and John Goodman together again is enough to tickle the nostalgia bone. This film focuses more on Mike Wazowski, the lovable green ball, and seeing him as a kindergartener is a treat. As it turns out, the two best friends were not always so, and the film follows their developing friendship. There is a fair share of challenges faced, and it turns out to be a very sweet underdog story, but the star was always Boo. Her relationship with Sully, or as she called him ‘Kitty’ was the best part of Monster’s Inc, and she is sorely missed. Because Monster’s Inc ended so well there is not much reason for a sequel. The choice to do a prequel leaves much more room for story, but, this choice means that the cutest two-year-old who ever entered the world of monsters simply hasn’t yet been born. I was hoping for some hint of her future appearance, or perhaps a brief flash-forward at the end, but there was none. They did time this film rather well, as many of the original film’s core audience will now be university students, and seeing these characters as college students is rather cute. The film is at its best when it references the original. The abominable snowman makes an appearance, Randall hints at an evil future, and, in one of the funniest moments, Mike’s ID photo gets cut off at the eyes, to which he replies, “I can’t believe it... I’m a college student!” Helen Mirren joins the star cast as a staunch dean-cum-dragon, but even without her the cast has more than enough star-power with Crystal, Goodman and the classically creepy Steve Buscemi as Randall. As usual the 3D doesn’t add much, and most the time I didn’t notice it (I suppose that’s the point), except that they make my nose sore, and I have to keep taking the glasses off and watching it blurry.

...Like Clockwork Queens of The Stone Age Rating: Reviewed by Nigel Moffiet

Being the only continuous member of Queens of the Stone Age, Josh Homme is not only adept at writing stomping, crunching, in your face rock melodies, he’s also mastered the skill of finding the right people to work with. QOTSA’s latest album, …Like Clock Work, bursts sonically with the right stuff. With Dave Grohl on drums and Nick Oliveri on bass, Homme has returned to the band’s not too distant glory days— 2000’s Rated R and 2002’s Songs for the Deaf. Joining the mix we have Homme’s rock hottie wife Brody Dalle, grunge legend Mark Lanegan, Arctic Monkey’s Alex Turner, everyone’s idol Trent Reznor, Scissor Sister’s Jake Shears, and royalty itself… Elton John. The album is chock-full of musical payoffs, rewarding the patient listener with unexpected onslaughts of sound from every direction before being swept away once more with that soulful kind of rock sound Homme is good at. The contrasting mix of loud vs. quiet is played to perfection on this album. There are close to 15 seconds of silence on the album’s opener, Keep Your Eyes Peeled, before we hear the sound of something smashing. And then enters the murky, bass driven sound, creeping slowly like something’s just around the corner – and there is. By the two minute mark, the guitar thrashes to life like a venomous snake. One track you may be familiar is My God Is The Sun given it was the first single off the album. It’s a very QOTSA sounding track but my least favourite on the album. There’s nothing new here and it offers up no surprises but it sure will keep the diehards happy. More rewarding are songs like The Vampyre Of Time And Memory – the track requires a bit of patience which is made easier as you are quietly lulled along with Homme before reaching a blazing crescendo by the three minute mark. The album is full of these musical payoffs and it’s exciting to discover. With repeated listens, I’m hoping there will be more rewards. Not unlike other QOTSA album’s, …Like Clock Work is dark but it lets you in easily with some catchy hooks and captivating sounds. Homme has said he was in a darker than usual place before it was recorded. He was bed-ridden for four months in 2011 following complications from a knee surgery and told journalists he suffered severe depression. "I didn't know if I was gonna come out," he says. "I had a pretty rough three years, but I don't wanna harp on about it because everything for me is just a smaller set of wounds in a grander set of wounds. I would never say, 'I'm probably not gonna make it out of here.' But back then, I would definitely think it." Nevertheless, it seems to have worked in favour of some pretty serious music. It’s devilishly good.

Overall it’s not fantastic, but worth seeing. Perhaps don’t fork out for the 3D version, and if you loved the original you may be disappointed. I recommend taking your kids or younger siblings, especially if they don’t have the brilliance of the original weighing on the back of their minds.

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All rights belong to 20th Century Fox

by Matthew Cattin I always get nervous around people my age who didn’t grow up watching The Simpsons… There’s just something so alien about them, so fundamentally peculiar. It was usually the fault of over protective parents – you know, the same parents who read their kid’s books first, striking a vivid across anything unsanitary. To those parents, I say shame on you. The Simpsons was in a league of its own and probably could have taught your kids a lot about politics, history, stereotyping, morals and humour. For serious - it is such an incredible observation of our culture. Even watching it now there are jokes that go right over my head and I’d wager it is far superior in wit and intelligence to many current comedy favourites *cough How I Met Your Mother*. As amazing as it is however, I’d say what really makes The Simpsons legendary is its cameo characters. I decided I’d make a list and upon consultation of Wikipedia, I quickly discovered it would be a far quicker exercise if I instead compiled major celebrities who HAVEN’T had a cameo. It’s astounding – it stretches as far as the eye can see. Here are a few of my favourites. Who can forget the Michael Jackson episode of 1991? I’m not sure what year I saw it for the first time (considering I was one-monthold upon its initial release) but my god that song, Happy Birthday Lisa, I don’t think I will ever get it out of my head… Rather

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than cameo as himself as one might expect, Jackson instead voices mental patient Leon Kompowsky (how fitting), an MJ impersonator. Apparently though, due to contractual agreements, Michael was only allowed to voice the dialogue lines – all of the singing was done by a voice double Kipp Lennon. Stephen Hawking was once asked in an interview what the most common misconception about his work was. Keeping in mind that he is probably the most brilliant living physicist, you would think his answer would involve theories, big words and an equation. His answer however was this, “people think I’m a Simpsons character.” I find that absolutely brilliant. He’s great in his role too, taking all of the jokes the writers threw at him regarding his voice, his chair and stealing ideas – a true sport. Our very own Conchords got their very own yellow moment back in 2010, yet another cherry on top of their growing list of accolades. Their Kiwi accents sound completely out of place but in a so wrong it’s right kind of way… It is glorious. Playing hipster councillors at a performing arts camp, the pair stole the episode with their hippitty hoppitty song that featured Stephen Hawking rapping in the break down. Tu meke. Maggie’s first words were always going to be a big deal so it seemed fitting to

have an absolute legend do the honours. Although Maggie had spoken a few times before in dream sequences, her first proper word “Daddy” in the series was spoken by none other than Elizabeth Taylor, one of Hollywood’s true starlets of its golden era. Class act. When Homer eats hallucinogenic chili peppers, there’s only one man that can guide him on his quest through the depths of his own mind – the man in black, Johnny Cash. Lost in a psychedelic desert, Homer wanders around typically clueless until he stumbles upon his spirit guide, a red coyote voiced by Cash. Both Bob Dylan and Cash were considered for the role but since Dylan had previously turned down the chance to cameo it was given to Cash, a move later described by Matt Groening as “one of the greatest coups the show has ever had.” The Simpsons has a pretty extraordinary list of band cameos (Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Who, Smashing Pumpkins, U2, REM, Metallica) but the music episode that takes the cake had to be How I Spent My Strummer Vacation. Featuring Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lenny Kravitz, Tom Petty and Elvis Costello all as instructors at Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp, it was the megatron of massive musician cameos. Full to the brim of mighty egos, self-deprecating jokes, music references and sweet, sweet rock and roll, this is The Simpsons at its best.

BELLYBUTTON FLUFF One of the great mysteries of the universe We all know about the famous Yeti, everyone has heard of the Loch Ness Monster and the Bermuda Triangle has bewildered our greatest thinkers for a while now, but quite frankly, all those mysteries are simply too far removed from our everyday life to really be all that important. So I see it as my great duty to bring forward the awareness of the greatest mystery of the modern student. Where the hell does bellybutton fluff come from?

ALIENS.

your Suspend for just a disbelief r d conside n a moment at th f o s n catio t the impli a th uming word. Ass onsible for resp aliens are ff is, of course, flu n o tt u b ory, the belly usible the y are la p st o m e th y? Wh g ion is wh big quest rms visitin rial life fo st t e n rr la e p -t a im to extr t in order r our plane ttle bundles in ou li s ation u b io u c ic in sp f su kind o e m o S e just a s? b on ? Or may g bellybutt n u o y ir for the cal joke. program net practi cross-pla

I can almost guarantee that at some point in your life, most likely at a time of mind paralysing boredom, you picked a small roll of spongey grey or blue fluff from your navel and wondered exactly how it got there. You wash don't you? You are a clean person, you shower, brush, wear deodorant. Why is it there? What weaved these threads into such a shape? How long has it been there and how did you not notice it until now? You may deny to the wider public that such a thing occurs, but if you are reading this article

by Connor McLay

in private and saying to yourself “well that just doesn't happen to me!” then I'm sorry my friend; you're in denial. Want to be cured of this? Check right now. Go ahead, I'll wait, if you're embarrassed go to the nearest bathroom. Once you have the proof in your own hands, have gotten over your hygienic insecurities, cried on the bathroom floor for half an hour and then finally admitted to your bellybutton's wacky tendency to accumulate fluff, let’s delve together into the great unknown. The general consensus in the professional world is that bellybutton fluff comes from gathered lint from your shirt that sheds in tiny amounts and makes its way to the navel via the natural disposition of the stomach and belly hair (if you have any). Those with inverted bellybuttons are also far more likely to discover the stuff for obvious reasons. But I think the possibilities are not being explored properly, so I have a few theories of my own.

GLOBAL WARMING. Since this is apparently responsible for everything else, why not this?

SYMBIOSIS. GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY. Mice. It's obviously a bit of a stretch to suggest that mice are creeping into our beds at night and leaving fur in our bellybuttons, but what if somehow you swallowed a mouse as a child and now it lives within your belly, shedding fur from within. What if some of that fur made it outside?

Thought we wouldn't notice huh John Key? If bellybutton fluff really is some kind of futuristic data gathering device that can indefinitely replenish itself and continue sending governments all your private information then it is the perfect cover. No, of course, bellybutton fluff is just accumulated loose threads from your shirts. Ha! Yeah right. More like a recording device and signal transceiver sending all it knows to the secret illuminati base located on the dark side of the moon.

TOP SECRET

Maybe we are taking entirely the wrong approach here. How do we actually know that our bellybutton is what it says it is? We are all told that it is the mark where the umbilical cord was removed shortly after your birth but is that really true? Can the bellybutton really be an entirely different species from humanity altogether that we have fused with and produces its own hair to be conveniently groomed off by us? Who knows.

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