debate issue 20 2012

ISSUE20 2012

FEATURE: DELVING INTO CONSPIRACY THEORIES + A HOW TO GUIDE ON CREATING YOUR OWN CONSPIRACY ARTIST OF THE WEEK | SPORTS | NEWS | POLITICS | REVIEWS

CONTENTS

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CONTENTS

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EDITORIAL

ARTIST OF THE WEEK Ekta Patel

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AUSM AuSM update

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SOCIAL MEDIA HIGHLIGHTS

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NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

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RECIPE CORNER

FEATURE The exhaust fumes of society: the legitimacy of conspiracy Conspiracy theories that are off the chain A beginners guide to establishing your own conspiracy Paul is dead JFK : the mother of all conspiracies

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ARTICLE Internships: the pros and the cons and what to expect

editor Nigel Moffiet nigel.moffiet@aut.ac.nz

designer Ceapum Kaushish ceapum.kaushish@aut.ac.nz

COLUMN 28 Things I’ll never understand

contributors Matthew Cattin| Jarred Williamson | Alanna Caveney | Sheridan Hill | Amber Rinkin | Grace Patterson | Renee Simpson | Kieran Bennett | Nigel Moffiet | Jennifer Choat

CHELSEA C’S IT

32 REVIEWS 34

Conspiracies Ceapum Kaushish

sub editor Matthew Cattin

POLITICS 26 O Mr. Invisible, Where Art Thou?

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on the cover:

VOX POP

advertising contact Kate Campbell kate.campbell@aut.ac.nz printer PMP Print Ltd. publisher all rights reserved

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This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly.

Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.

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disclaimer Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, PMP Print or its subsidiaries.

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EDITORIAL

reception

Prepare yourselves. Adjust your antennas, make sure your satellite dishes are operating and put on your cyborg protective tin foil hats. I think they’re onto us; in fact, they are!

Forget about those unbelievers, the scorners and the haters. They don’t know and we do.

That’s all that matters. We’ve tried to warn them. We’ve done our best. As they continue to mock us and treat us as outcasts just remember that we’ll get the last laugh. We’ll laugh righteously when they’re abducted by the aliens and whisked off to the hostile planet Xererones to have their organs removed and the juice sucked out of their eyeballs.

image by Marcin Wichary via flickr.com

And don’t turn to the government for help; they’re also part of the conspiracy – they’ve struck a deal with our enemies. They’ve been promised sanctuary and a life of riches for generations to come as long as they work against us and cooperate with the aliens.

And don’t turn to the powerful or wealthy either – many aren’t who you think they are.

Some aren’t human, they appear to be but they’re the infiltrators. Don’t accept any bribes from them, don’t take food or water from them.

They’re the foot soldiers and belong to the other species.

And the person you’re sitting next to right now in the lecture theatre – treat them with suspicion too. You think you know them, but do you? How well do you really know them? They could also be part of the conspiracy.

With imminent danger looming and the apparent disregard for the future preservation

of our human race, debate has taken on the mission of informing students about the conspiracies you should be aware/beware of (depending on which way you look at it). If you have come across a conspiracy and you want to get the word out there, or you’re simply a nutter and you want to make one up, we have a few tips on how you can achieve that.

Overall, our operation is crude and our methods are simple. Yet, if we remain alert and keep track of the buzzing signals bouncing off of our antennas as they pick up the radiation trails left behind by the intergalactic vessels of the enemy spies, we can stay one step ahead – we will win through our camaraderie and our cunning – and by keeping our tin foil stocks high.

You should also educate yourselves. Get to know the conspiracies that are threatening our existence. You can actually do a course in conspiracy theories if you’re extra keen. No shit. Not studying the theories per se, but rather the psychology and philosophy behind all the whisperings and mumblings that have made an impact on society. So, as well as informing you on how to start a conspiracy, debate talks to Senior Philosopy lecturer Dr. Stuart Brock from Victoria University who is in charge of the course. Perhaps conspiracy theories aren’t the sole domain of wackies after all.

So there you are, there’s still time, go home, prepare yourselves, have a wash and put on some clean underwear. This editorial is not just some rambling from an insane person, it’s a call to arms.

Oh, and enjoy the break!

City Campus Level 2, WC Building 921 9805 Mon-Thurs: 8am-5pm Fri8am-4pm North Shore Campus Level 2, AS Building 921 9949 Mon-Fri: 11am-1pm Manukau Campus MB107 921 9999 ext 6672 Mon-Thurs; 9am-3.30pm

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Nick Buckby Liaison Manager 921 9999 ext 8379 nick.buckby@aut.ac.nz

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events

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LETTERS

media

Nigel Moffiet Publications Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8774 nigel.moffiet@aut.ac.nz

Dear debate, I just wanted to say that I absolutely loved opening Debate this morning and reading the article on Euthanasia, and then about the Body Farms. I’ve seen countless documentaries on both of these subjects and find it absolutely fascinating. Grim.. but fascinating. So thank you for sharing these topics with the rest of AUT :D Charlotte.

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Melita Martorana Sports Team Leader melita.martorana@aut.ac.nz

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volunteers & clubs

LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS TWO MOVIE TICKETS FOR EVENT CINEMAS DEBATE LETTERS POLICY: Letters need to make it into debate’s mailbox before Wednesday, 3pm each week for the following issue. You must give us your name when submitting letters to be eligible for letter of the week, but you can use a pseudonym for publication if you wish. Any letters longer than 250 words may be subjected to editing. The editor reserves the right to decline without explanation. Most importantly, the views contained on the letters page do not necessarily represent the views of AuSM. Send your letters to debate@aut.ac.nz or if you want to kick it old school, PO Box 6116, Wellesley St, Auckland.

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Deanna Berry Volunteers Coordinator 921 9999 ext 8911 deanna.berry@aut.ac.nz

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ISSUE 20 2012

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VICE-CHANCELLOR’S DOCTORAL SCHOLARSHIPS

AUT University has a commitment to fostering postgraduate study and research.

Our full-time Vice-Chancellor’s Doctoral Scholarships offer a fantastic opportunity to work in one of the country’s most progressive and expansive research environments. The scholarships include tuition fees and an annual $25,000 stipend for up to three years at one of New Zealand’s most innovative universities.

If you meet the admission criteria for a doctoral programme, talk to us now.

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Full-time Doctoral Scholarships from AUT University.

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• Computing and mathematical sciences

• Public health

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• Earth and oceanic sciences

• Treaty of Waitangi issues

• Education

• Social sciences and languages

• Physical and social rehabilitation

• Mass communication and new technologies

• Business and finance

• Visual arts

To find out more about AUT’s research areas or to apply for this scholarship go to www.phdscholar.ac.nz or contact the Scholarships Office on +64 9 921 9837.

APPLICATIONS CLOSE 24 SEPTEMBER 2012.

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ISSUE 20 2012

ARTIST OF THE WEEK

Ekta Patel Hi I am Ekta Patel, currently in the last year of my Bachelors of Design major in Graphic Design. Graphic design is a fun and very interesting major, it gives me the freedom to think more creatively and encourages me to explore my ideas. I have always been interested in fashion design and photography. AUT Graphic Design allowed me to develop my skills in photography, which I combine with fashion. Here is a little collection of my recent photography work ‘ Art Of Drapery Meets Fashion’ & ‘Fairy Fantasy’.

See more of my work on:

www.facebook.com/EktaPatelsDesignsAndPhotography

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ARTIST OF THE WEEK

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An AuSM Week

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Mates Rates

Saving money? Want to pamper yourself at an affordable budget? AuSM has hooked you up with heaps of sweet new deals on AuSM Mates Rates for you! Check them out at www.ausm.org.nz

AuSM Awesome Award 2012

It is time to start voting for those hardworking AUT staff and lecturers who you think have gone the extra mile! Vote for them now! http://www.surveymonkey. com/s/ausmawards

AuSM Connect

Have you checked out our latest phone app ‘AuSM Connect’?

You can store all your classes and your own schedule together with our latest news, sweet deals and events every day! Available at App store and Google Play.

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SOCIAL MEDIA

The entertainment world was abuzz with news that the greatest rockstar in the universe, Chad Kroeger, got down on one knee for the equally talented Avril Lavigne. There are some meanies out there, but they really looked like yin and yang while Chad’s new haircut really has transformed him from a Jim Henson Muppet look-alike into one slick rock ‘n’ roll dude heyyyy heyyyyy!

tourist city of Qingdao, Shandong Province for the prevention of tanning – and babies.

Random tweets: “most of these ppl are in facekinis bc they seen what lyrca’s done to their figures! #incognito”

Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

“‘Avril Lavigne is marrying Chad Kroeger from Nickelback.’ – New Pro-Choice Ad.”

“Going to the beach on Sunday. I’ll have to bust out one of these bad boys to protect my face from the sun. #Facekini”

Tyler Oakley @tyleroakley

Keir O’Donnell @KeirODonnell: “Watch yourself, sun! FACE-

“Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are engaged. This is a classic example of how two wrongs don’t make a right.”

KINI GOT YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Xavier Kong @doctorkongx

KINI”

Keir O’Donnell @KeirODonnell: “FACE-MUTHAFUCKIN-

“Chad Kroeger doesn’t seem like the sk8er boi type though.”

_____________________________________________ Lastly, we’ll warn you know so you have time to prepare yourselves. A reality TV series featuring Kiwi celebrity mum Sally Ridge and celebrity daughter Jaime is set to hit air waves next month to the bemusement and disdain of many if Twitter is anything to go by.

Rob Delaney @robdelaney

“Avril Lavigne if you Yoko Ono Nickelback I will be so mad at you!!!” _____________________________________________

kara after dark @kara4bieber

In other news, social media pages were buzzing over the latest fashion trend sweeping Chinese beaches – Facekinis. Yep, the spandex swimming masks for the face had commentators wondering if they weren’t in fact Mexican wrestlers. In China, a pale skin tone is preferred, so the Facekini is a big hit in the coastal

“When that Ridge reality tv show is on tv that will be the time i take my weekly hourly shit”

*All images taken from twitter

COMICS

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ISSUE 20 2012

NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

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MISSOURI, USA ► US representative for Missouri

and staunch anti-abortionist Todd Akin couldn’t dig his hole any deeper after suggesting there were varying levels of rape and it is extremely rare for women to get pregnant from “legitimate rape”.

His comments caused an outcry and US Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney was among those calling for Akin to withdraw from the race for a Senate seat in Missouri.

CANADA ► In debate’s second consecutive

week of exclusive Nickelback news, Chad Kroeger has defied amazing odds and found himself a mate, none other than fellow Canadian singer Avril Lavigne.

He’s come a long way since his first kiss with Kim! The pair announced their engagement last week to a shocked world-wide audience.

Akin however is refusing to budge, saying he won’t leave the race.

Senator Claire McCaskill, the Democrat whose Senate seat Mr. Akin is after, hit back at Akin’s outrageous comments saying she has worked closely with rape victims as a former prosecutor and understands their trauma and pain.

The engagement was confirmed by a spokeswoman for Avril Lavigne after People magazine reported the sexy rumours.

Nickelback band members also backed the news by posting

Meanwhile, Romney slammed Akin in a television interview.

Conspiracy theorists worldwide are trying to come up with an explanation but have thus far come up with nothing.

“His comments about rape were deeply offensive, and I can’t defend what he said. I can’t defend him.”

“Congrats Chad and Avril!” on its official website and Twitter account.

AFGHANISTAN ► A special ceremony was held at

Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan last week for the three New Zealand soldiers killed by a roadside explosive.

The caskets of Corporal Luke Tamatea, Lance Corporal Jacinda Baker and Private Richard Harris were carried onto the Royal Australian Air Force C-130 by members of the NZ Provincial Reconstruction Team.

Senior military adviser Lieutenant Colonel Pete Hall said the soldiers’ lives were “cut short by a cowardly act” and they had recently handled a tough combat situation weeks before their death.

“They survived the Battle of Baghak where they fought honourably and bravely alongside their mates, tended the wounds of those that required care and arranged for their safe evacuation - comradeship,” Lt Col Hall said.”

The latest deaths bring the total number of Kiwi soldiers killed in Afghanistan to 10

Rape results in about 32,000 pregnancies each year in America, according to the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

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STATISTICS

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NATIONAL ►The Government had some tough explaining to do last week after it was revealed a convicted sex offender managed to work as a teacher at numerous New Zealand primary schools for several years.

The Government admits it is not clear how many sex offenders might be working as teachers although one teacher with sex crime convictions is still teaching at a private school in Auckland despite authorities being aware.

Education Minister Hekia Parata said the Government’s failure to pick up on the incident is a “wake up call”.

Convicted sex offender Henry Te Rito Miki was able to teach in six North Island schools using 53 fake names.

► The Government’s new charter

schools scheme should see the first sponsored classrooms open up within 18 months.

Yet, with news a convicted sex offender was able to slip through the public system, many are concerned about that relaxed regulations the new scheme will bring.

Under the new system, the schools will be greatly independent and won’t have to employ registered teachers. They will be government funded and run by community or business organisations.

The teachers’ union is critical, saying the scheme will “fail the children”.

Green’s education spokeswoman Catherine Delahunty was alarmed by the latest revelations and says it “highlights another area where charter schools will compromise the education and safety of our most vulnerable learners”.

Nickelback Nickelback have had five albums and 23 songs which made it to the US charts.

The most successful album was All The Right Reasons which spent a total of 689 weeks on the charts.

Someday was the first song to hit the charts on week 34, 2003 The most successful song was Rockstar which spend a total of 325 weeks on the charts.

Avril Lavigne Avril Lavigne has had six albums and 19 songs which made it to the US charts.

SEZZLES’ PHOTOS VIA GETTY IMAGES

IMAGE BY KARINA3094 VIA FLICKR.COM

Complicated, I’m With You and Sk8er Boi were the first songs to hit the charts on week 10, 2003.

The most successful songs by peak position are Girlfriend, I’m With You and When You’re Gone which peaked at number one in the US.

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The most successful album was The Best Damn Thing which spent a total of 632 weeks on the charts.

ISSUE 20 2012

Correctly identify the five differences in the two photos then circle them and drop your entry into your nearest AuSM office, or the box on the side of the red debate stands, or post to debate PO Box 6116 Wellesley St before 12pm Thursday.

What’s up for grabs? Two “squawk burgers” vouchers for Velvet Burger on Fort St, Auckland CBD.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

to our issue 19 winner

Morgan Erickson North Shore Campus

1. How tall is a Barbie doll?

2. What were NZ Supermarkets able to do from 1999?

IMAGE BY EJAY8085 / FLICKER.COM

3. What does Gore have a giant Fibreglass statue of?

4. What was the name of the TV series that made Neil Patrick Harris a house hold name?

5. A violin contains around 70 individual pieces of wood?

6. Which month of the year gets it’s name from the Latin verb for ‘to open’?

7. President Theodore Roosevelt’s son was called Kermit?

8. What is the collective noun for a group of barracuda?

9. Which Disney Villain lives in a residence known as Hell Hall?

10. I’m as big as an elephant, but lighter than a feather. What am I?

WORD JUMBLE EAFHTRE

Name Phone # Email Campus

How many words of three letters or more can you make during your lecture from the letters above?

(6-8 average, 9-11 good, 12 or more - excellent) *Answers on page 29

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COST: $8.87 -for four people(with optional ingredients $17.26)

Dear Agony Aunt I have been feeling really tired and lethargic lately. I am finding it harder to concentrate on my studies and have been feeling angry and agitated . My friend says it could be that I drink too many energy drinks (I usually have 2 -3 a day). Do you think she could be right?

This classic Italian dish is always a hit at any dinner table. This meal is tasty and affordable and super easy to make, even if you like meatballs.

SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE (OPTIONAL MEATBALLS) INGREDIENTS: ►500g Beef Mince ►1 large onion, roughly diced ►2 large cloves garlic, crushed ►1 Tbsp Dried mixed herbs ►1 Tbsp sweet Basil ►2 Tbsp Oil ►3 Cans Chopped tomatoes in Juice ►1 packet budget spaghetti noodles (dried) ►1 Cup grated cheese (edam/tasty) ►Salt and Pepper ►Optional ½ Cup red wine, Salad and garlic bread.

From energy drink lover

Dear energy drink lover Yes, your friend is talking a lot of sense. Too many energy drinks can have a negative effect on your health. Like everything else in life, moderation is the key. Having an energy drink once in a while will do you no harm, however 2-3 a day could have harmful and unpleasant effects on your body. As well as a host of other ingredients, energy drinks contain high levels of caffeine, taurine (that gives you the surge of energy) and heaps of sugar. Caffeine, especially when consumed in large quantities, can have serious side effects. Apart from making you feel more alert, caffeine can give you palpitations (a racing heart ), jittery-ness and can even cause fainting and chest pain. It is a natural diuretic (makes you pee) and can cause dehydration if taken in excess, especially if you are not drinking enough water. This is particularly so if you are mixing energy drinks with alcohol.

Although the dehydration is generally minimal and not exceptionally dangerous, dehydration can negatively impact on your body’s health and performance. This could have a significant impact on your academic success and could be the reason you are feeling irritable and finding it hard to concentrate.

photo by Alpha via Flickr

METHOD: Step 1 : In a large pot fill 2/3 full with water and 1 Tbsp salt, when water comes to boil add spaghetti noodles, and cook for 10-12 min.

There are other ways to boost your energy levels without drinking this stuff. Call into Health Counselling and Wellbeing to pick up some leaflets on stress, sleep, nutrition and all sorts of other health related topics. Better still, make an appointment to see a nurse to discuss ways in which you can improve your concentration and generally live a healthier lifestyle.

Step 2 : In a medium sized pot heat oil and add onion, cook for 2-3 min. Add garlic and beef mince (unless making meatballs), brown mince.

(Add optional red wine and simmer till halved in volume) Step 3 : Add dried herbs and canned tomatoes, bring to boil and simmer for 10- 15 minutes.

Step 4 : Drain noodles and place onto plates, add sauce and top with cheese.

Step5 5 : Serve with optional salad and garlic bread.

Enjoy!

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A cautionary tale from Agony Aunt: My dentist told me a story about someone who drank two energy drinks every day for a year.

When she went to see him she had seventeen cavities. One year previously she’d had none.

Shocking eh?

ISSUE 20 2012

FEATURE

By Matthew Cattin

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resident Kennedy was assassinated by the US Government, Apollo 11 never landed on the moon and Queen Elizabeth is a shape-shifting reptilian.

These are a few conspiracy theories you might have heard of and some of them will be put under the microscope in a new course starting at Victoria University next year – but like the conspiracies themselves, not everybody is a believer.

Sir Bob Jones let his opinions fly in a recent article in The New Zealand Herald, condemning the upcoming course as “outrageous”.

Jones claims universities have “sunk to shameless degree vendors” and are dropping their standards.

“Typical of this disgrace was Victoria University philosophy lecturer Stuart Brock’s recent announcement that he’s introducing a course on conspiracy theory studies,” says Jones.

“God help us! Psychology, yes if you must, but what has that nonsense to do with philosophy?”

THE MERITS OF REFLECTION

However, Senior Philosopy lecturer Dr. Stuart Brock, stands by the course, saying we do have many things to learn from the topic. He says the course is interdisciplinary, teaching both the psychology and the philosophy around conspiracy theory thinking.

“The course teaches students about central issues in the philosophy of language, philosophy of science, epistemology, the philosophy of mind and even the philosophy of religion,” he says. “[It] also teaches students about philosophical methodology, focusing on conceptual analysis, the role of

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FEATURE

intuitions and the process of reflective equilibrium and the role of logic and critical thinking.”

“Conspiracy theories are often true, it’s just that some people overextend and see them everywhere,” he says.

Brock says Jones has no idea what is covered and “has simply done no research to back up his claims”.

Academic Frank P. Mintz who popularised the term ‘conspiracism’, said it’s an idea that “serves the needs of diverse political and social groups in America and elsewhere.

It identifies elites, blames them for economic and social catastrophes, and assumes that things will be better once popular action can remove them from positions of power. As such, conspiracy theories do not typify a particular epoch or ideology”.

“This is the sort of thing I tell my students not to do in my courses,” he says.

“I try to teach my students that if you write an essay or article, they shouldn’t just make it an emotive rant and an articulation of unreflective opinions.”

Brock says Hope is wrong in his accusation that conspiracy theories have nothing to do with philosophy.

He says the course has been trialled before and received great feedback but this is the first time it has been made a permanent paper at Victoria University.

Because the course teaches students how to think critically, Brock says the course will help to prepare students for any job.

WHY DOES CONSPIRACY EXIST?

Conspiracy theories usually develop when the official explanation of a controversy fails to provide adequate evidence to satisfy the curiosities of the public.

People imaginatively try to fill in the gaps of knowledge, using ‘science’ and ‘evidence’ they believe supports their theory.

However, Brock says it’s important to remember some conspiracies are in fact true, although we tend to forget these in favour of the more extreme theories.

“You can point to the interesting ones like Watergate or the IranContra scandal but you can also point to cases where it’s quite clear the official story is won where there was a conspiracy.

“Historical political events like the destruction of the twin towers, the D-Day invasion of Normandy in the Second World War, all of these explanations of what happened appeal to a conspiracy, a sort of secret conspiracy between important people.

there has been a lot of research in sociology on conspiracy theories, the psychological and philosophical literature is fairly recent.”

So what is the biggest conspiracy theory in history? Well, it depends on how you measure them, but we might now be able say move over JFK and Roswell, there’s a new player in town.

Brock points out the conspiracy surrounding 9/11 and the involvement of the US government was based on the documentary Loose Change, “the most downloaded video online ever”.

Another notable supporter was author and journalist Christopher Hitchens who said “a conspiracy theory is better than no theory at all”. He went on to describe such theories as “the exhaust fumes of democracy”.

On this note, we could describe conspiracy theories as the unavoidable by-products of a society that runs on trust.

A FEW WIDELY BELIEVED CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

BELIEVING IN FALSEHOODS

-JFK was assassinated not

by Lee Harvey Oswald, but rather by the CIA, FBI, Cuba, (insert name here)

Brock also says we can believe in false conspiracies for a number of psychological reasons.

“There are lots of cognitive biases we suffer from and these cognitive biases will make it more likely that we believe conspiracy theories.”

Roaming AUT campus, a debate survey found more than 60 per cent of AUT students interviewed believed some conspiracy theories to be true.

Some even said aliens are on earth living among us.

Product design student Darcy Keane, 20, says he would be interested in a conspiracy theory paper.

“I’d like to do it as a side paper. It interests me a bit but my flatmates would be right in to it. They love that kind of thing,” he says.

Meanwhile, Brock says conspiracy theory study is a growth area and even the most prestigious philosophical publications and journals are publishing articles around the topic.

“There are no other courses like this offered in New Zealand,” says Brock.

“This is partly because the literature on this topic is so new. Although

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-The Apollo 11 moon landing in 1969 was staged in a movie studio to get Americans to support space research, and to win the space race with the Soviet Union.

-9/11 was planned by the US government as an excuse to wage war in the Middle East and gain control of the oil.

-Pearl Harbour was known about before it happened but it wasn’t interfered with as the US government wanted public support for WWII. -Aliens crash landed at Roswell in 1947 leaving a wrecked flying saucer and dead alien life forms.

ISSUE 20 2012

FEATURE

by Alanna Caveney

Conspiracy theories that are off the chain We all know the basics; 9/11 was an inside job, Princess Diana was killed by the Royals, the moon landing was fake. But I delved deeper into the strange and slightly terrifying world conspiracy theorists and found some crazy shit. And trust me, people ACTUALLY believe this stuff.

Frozen Walt Disney The Reptoids

Starting with one of the better known theories, according to British writer David Icke, tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system, hiding in underground bases, are the force behind a worldwide conspiracy against humanity. He contends that most of the world’s leaders are related to these reptilians, including George W. Bush and Queen Elizabeth II. Christine Fitzgerald, a confidante of Diana, Princess of Wales, claims that Diana told her that the Royal Family were Reptilian aliens, and that they could shape-shift.

Legend has it that Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen when he died in 1966, and his frozen corpse was stored in a deep-freeze chamber which is supposedly found beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. He apparently had a neurotic fear of death, and when he came across cryogenics, he became fascinated at the chance to one day be “brought back to life”.

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Dark Side of the Oz

Some say that Pink Floyd’s album Dark Side of the Moon and the film The Wizard of Oz play perfectly in sync with one another from beginning to end, including musical changes, interludes and even the lyrics. You press play during the third roar of the MGM lion, mute the film, and sit back. Drummer Nick Mason jokingly refuted the theory in an interview with MTV, exclaiming “It’s absolute nonsense. It has nothing to do with The Wizard of Oz. It was all based on The Sound of Music.”

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Hollow Earth

An idea based on ancient legends of many cultures that say races of people dwell in subterranean cities inside Earth. These beings have become known as the Agarthians, said to have been first discovered by Admiral Byrd in 1947 after an expedition to the North Pole. It is said that the two Poles are the only entrances into this “hollow space”, and the U.S Navy knows about this but keeps it top secret.

The air space above both the North and South Pole are “no fly zones”, feeding into the beliefs.

FEATURE

The Middle Ages (614 – 911 AD) never happened

The “Phantom Time Theory” developed by Herbert Illig suggests that the Middle Ages never occurred, meaning all historical figures and artefacts from this time are fabrications, however many historians believe him to be wrong (obviously). Illig claims many inaccuracies in the dating of the period, stemming from the idea that the introduction of the Gregorian calendar in 1582 meant most dates were inaccurately recalculated (that system caused a 13 day discrepancy). In human talk, he believes 2012 is actually the year 1715 due to miscalculations.

The Rugrats never existed

The U.S President’s Diary

Used in the second National Treasure movie, this theory claims there is a book which has been handed down from Washington to Obama, in which some or all along the way have added facts and implications about their time in office, and is rumoured to contain information about the Roswell alien landings, the JFK and RFK assassinations, the location of the Holy Grail, and even the identity of the Antichrist. Only the current President and Librarian of Congress know the location of the book. If a President is assassinated, the Librarian informs the next President of the book. When the current leaves office, the location of the book is changed.

Here’s one to kill your childhood. This theory shows that none of the babies in “Rugrats” actually exist, but they are all instead figments of Angelica’s imagination, as result of her parent’s negligence. Chuckie died with his mother, which explains how much of a nervous wreck his father is. Tommy was a stillborn baby, which explains why his father, Stu, was always in the basement making toys for the son he never had. Finally, the DeVilles had an abortion. To compensate for not knowing the sex of the baby, Angelica invented twins in her head, one boy and one girl.

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Concentration Camp below Denver International Airport

It has an eight level underground military base, a gas chamber... and it’s rumoured that there are genetic experiments taking place. The airport facilities themselves raised a ton of questions regarding the true purpose of the megastructure. Numerous “creative” theories are floating around the DIA regarding underground military bases, aliens and/or reptilian creatures, and the New World Order. Different contractors were hired for different parts of the airport. They were all fired after their job was done.

These led observers to believe that it was a strategy to make sure nobody had the full scope of the project.

Illuminati Celebs

The Illuminati is a secret society of “enlightened” humans, who are said to be in control of the world (instead of lizard people). Rumoured celebrity members include Jay-Z and Beyonce, David Bowie, Rihanna, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, and of course current U.S President Barack Obama.

In the real world, however, the “Illuminati” is a defunct German secret society of freethinkers, humanists and Enlightenment academics, founded in 1776 and infiltrated and shut down by Bavarian authorities about a decade later.

ISSUE 20 2012

FEATURE

A beginner's guide to establishing your own

conspiracy

by Kierran Bennett

TEN STEPS - if it was 11 they would know that we’re on to them.

A conspiracy is a finely crafted thing that takes skill and practice to put out there. Before you start bellowing about air waves that are hijacking your brain’s electrons, read this guide and follow its steps.

Then cover it with lead and bury it. The aliens are trying to steal it.

Step One: Pick something common

A good conspiracy is always based on something that everyone knows. That way, everyone’s always thinking about it. The blue throated Amazonian warbler is probably a poor choice unless ornithologists are your target audience. Conversely, cows are an excellent basis for any conspiracy; everybody loves cows.

Step TWO: Exaggerate a common feature

Any good conspiracy holds a grain of truth and is mildly believable. If you picked something well known for your conspiracy it’s just a matter of stretching that fact into the realm of suspicion. For example, what’s up with cows mooing at night? There must be some kind of reason outside of them just being cows right? Maybe it’s a message. Must be a message.

Step THREE: Assign the blame to something no one likes or knows nothing about

The classic here is either the government or aliens. All the best conspiracies have a cause, it gives you something to blame and send angry letters covered in numbers to. Blaming something or someone will attract people to you and your insane mumblings; you clearly know what you’re talking about. You’re the only one who knows how to be protected from the government’s (or aliens) inter-continental (or inter-galactic) secret messages that cause painful urination, broadcast by cows mooing at night.

Step FOUR: Broadcast your conspiracy in an over-thetop way

People are starting to believe you but more people need to believe you. What do you do?

Don a piece of cardboard and yell on street corners of course. If that’s not your style, pass out leaflets. Haunt message boards and gain reams of internet fame. Whichever you pick, broadcast your conspiracy in a single minded manner, shove it down people’s throats and don’t take no for an answer. Like a real estate agent with a second hand ‘60’s bungalow with a roach infestation (and cows next door).

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FEATURE

Step FIVE: Publish your own leaflet or website

Just because people know what you’re talking about doesn’t mean you’re done. You’ll need to keep people updated on your conspiracy; aliens never rest so why should you?

Whenever something new happens or you discover something, ponder on it for a while.

What does it mean? When you come to the conclusion that cows mooing out cryptic alien messages do so in order to confuse you so that a chip could be planted in your brain, turn on the computer and start typing. You’ll need to make your leaflets and website as unattractive and hard to read as possible so as to filter out government agents who, as we all know, are allergic to lens flares, comic sans and poor text layout.

Step SIX: Start a club

Two’s company and three’s a crowd, but 14 is a party! A party of safety and protection from cow messages and brain chips. If you gather a group of like-minded individuals around you, your conspiracy will be that much more successful. Advertise in a local paper under ‘plumbing supplies’. This is sure to prevent any crazy types from getting into your group.

When you have your first meeting it is important to establish exactly what the group is for and how often you will be meeting. Just because you’re all constantly on the look-out for brain chip implanting as a result of cows doesn’t mean you can’t be organised.

CLUB

Step SEVEN: Cease Bathing

No doubt this step will seem odd, but it is (like all the others) udderly essential. People may believe your conspiracy and you might have a big following but it’s essential to maintain people’s respect for you. By not bathing, your commitment to your conspiracy will be evident. The fine layer of dirt that will develop on you will also shield others from the magnetic waves of the brain chip that you sadly did not avoid.

Step EIGHT: Compose letters to figures of authority

The common citizen may know all about the inner links between cows mooing and the magnetic waves of your brain chip, but this needs to go all the way to the top. Write incredibly aggressive letters to the local paper, your mayor, the national paper and whoever else may have a ‘letters to the editor’ section. You will of course need to ensure that your letters are badly spelled, poorly edited and contain nearly no information actually relating to the conspiracy. After all, you don’t want to give too much away.

Step Nine: Wear a tinfoil hat

You can’t be a self-respecting conspiracy theorist without a hat made of shiny, brain protecting foil. Line the inside with either cardboard or your own hair for extra protection from cow induced blackouts. Make sure to regularly maintain your hat, otherwise aliens may become aware that you know the truth about the cows and drag you away.

Step TEN: Deny Everything

Finally, of course, if you’re ever asked anything, deny it. You know nothing about this conspiracy of which ‘they’ speak. Shake your head, mumble incoherently, shave your head and wash your brain. They’re chasing you, leave the country. Start a new life. But remember to pack your tinfoil hat; it is a global conspiracy after all.

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ISSUE 20 2012

FEATURE

damien_m_in_japan’s photos via Getty Images

PAUL IS DEAD

By Sheridan Hill

I

n 1969 a rumour started at Iowa State University in America that Paul McCartney was dead. His car had been involved in an accident three years prior and his public outings had become rare as he was working on projects separate to The Beatles.

Somehow this death rumour stuck, it spread around the world and many people today still believe he was replaced by a look alike.

GOING VIRAL The theory was, in its day picked up by several American radio stations and television programmes. The story’s mixed on how he managed to crash and die, though some blame a crazed fan that made him lose concentration. Anyway, the studio was petrified that this would negatively affect record sales so they went about finding a replacement Paul. The idea that William Campbell (who had won a look alike contest for his uncanny resemblance to the legendary McCartney), had then joined the band, is the most widespread albeit probably false explanation.

The Beatles issued a press release to dispel the idea calling it all kinds

of ridiculous, but theorists sensed a cover up. It is alleged that The Beatles left clues for their fans in song lyrics; apparently if you listen to the composition Revolution 9, from The White Album backwards, you can hear “turn me on, dead man”. It’s unclear to me why the band would go out of their way

“The story’s mixed on how he managed to crash and die, though some blame a crazed fan that made him lose concentration” to leave clues if they were trying to cover up Paul’s death. They themselves said there were no clues at all, just artistic licence, but nevertheless “Here’s another clue for you all” John Lennon sang on the track Glass Onion. “The walrus was Paul.” Interesting choice of words since the walrus is said to be an ancient symbol of death in several cultures, though I’m not sure it proves anything at all. The fanatics then go on to claim that in the song Strawberry Fields Forever, John Lennon says “I buried Paul”. He swears the words are actually “Cranberry Sauce”. Bit of a difference there.

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A FUNERAL PROCESSION Just when the conspiracy sounds like it can’t be any more outrageous, think of the iconic cover of Abbey Road, the four Beatles on the pedestrian crossing. Harmless enough? Think again. This symbolises a funeral procession.

John dressed in white, is a preacher figure. Ringo in full black represents the mourner. George, wearing blue jeans symbolises the gravedigger and Paul, barefoot is, but of course the corpse.

SONGS PLAYED BACKWARDS There are obvious major flaws in this radical theory, and though it drew me in for a laugh I’m seriously not buying it. Listening to any song backward you can probably string syllables together to draw a whole range of meanings. Music is subjective, if you’re in that mind set of looking for conspiracy in the lyrics, then you will find conspiracy in the lyrics. However, if you want to explore this myth for yourself, Google has tons of alternate stories and there’s even an hour and a half long expose on YouTube, intense!

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JFK

the mother of all

conspiracies

By Matthew Cattin

FEATURE

n 12.30pm on November 22 1963, John F. Kennedy was assassinated by a lone gunman named Lee Harvey Oswald. The story is familiar. The uncovered presidential limousine took a turn into Elm Street in Dealey Plaza, Dallas– JFK waved to the crowd.

From a sixth floor depository window, Oswald fired three shots.

One missed altogether. One was the fatal head exploding shot that shocked the world. The other, known infamously as the ‘magic bullet’, entered the president’s back and exited just below his Adam’s apple. It then carried on its way and hit the limo driver, Texas Governor John Connally, just below the right arm pit. It smashed through a rib, exited the front of his chest, carried on through his wrist, shattering his radius, and finally ended up embedded in his thigh. It was found in nearly pristine condition on a hospital gurney later that day after it apparently fell out of Connally’s thigh.

THE ENQUIRY

image by UF Digital Collections via Flickr.com

This was the official explanation of events according to The President’s Commission on the Assassination of President Kennedy, what became known unofficially as the Warren Commission. The findings were presented in an 888-page report which declared Oswald acted alone in the assassination, as well as claiming Jack Ruby acted alone in murdering Oswald a few days after Kennedy’s death.

Case closed. However, some surveys show up to 80 per cent of Americans believe the Warren Commission is wrong. In saying this, a CBS News survey revealed that seven per cent of Americans believe Elvis is still alive so…

THE INCONSISTENCIES

One of the biggest points of concern in the explanation is the trajectory of the so-called magic bullet. This, as well as the nearly pristine condition the bullet was found in at the hospital, has put a large shadow of doubt in the minds of theorists.

How could a single bullet cause so many injuries and at such

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relatively dramatic angles? Why was it in such good condition after penetrating bone? How convenient was it for the bullet to just fall out onto a hospital gurney? Where are the other bullets? Try finding the answers to these questions on the internet, or anywhere really, and you will be surprised at how many opinions are out there.

Another piece of the puzzle, which I recommend you check out on YouTube, is the apparent stand-down of JFK’s security squad minutes before the shooting. In the video, you can see security tailing JFK’s limo on foot, probably in such a position that the assassin’s view would have been obscured by their presence. In a strange moment however, the rear guard is apparently called off and one of the guards gives three obviously exasperated shrugs of his shoulders as he falls behind and stops. This has been ‘explained’ away as standard practice but this of course depends who you listen to.

And of course the aftermath…

Jack Ruby, a nightclub operator, whipped out a gun and shot dead Oswald, depriving the world of answers. The autopsy, perhaps the most important such procedure of the century, was rushed over and sloppy. Doctors who performed the autopsy spent years bickering to the media about their theories, spurring on questions and ideas. Witnesses disappeared, evidence was overanalysed, and the video tape was scrutinized thousands of times.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the assassination is that despite the fact it was caught so accurately on camera and with so many witnesses to call on, so many discrepancies still exist to this day. No matter what happened, no matter who is responsible, I don’t think the full story will ever surface – there have been too many theories, too many rumours and too much time swept under the carpet. Even if it is proved beyond reasonable doubt that Oswald pulled the trigger, how can his motives ever surface?

Or the motives of those pulling his strings? It’s a mystery, a conspiracy, and nobody, I think, will ever know the whole truth.

ARTICLE

ISSUE 20 2012

ALANNA CAVENEY

Internships:

the pros and the cons and what to expect

T

he internship as we know it really took shape in the early 1980s.

According to Forbes, they were originally established by business schools as “a way to build relationships and earn occupational experience”. Of course, that’s still what they’re intended for today, but the explosion of internships in the work force now allows people to sample careers that might not even be related to the path they are on, giving people a better overall experience which will help them in choosing the right career path. An internship provides you with two great tools: First, you gain excellent real world experience and a great CV builder. Second, you get an inside look into a field of work you're interested in, helping you make that career path a little less sketchy. The least an internship will do is get you thinking about what you want to do for a living.

Getting the internship

Apply everywhere and as early as possible. If you don’t have much experience you will need to be humble and not be too picky with where you end up working, so it’s smart to apply to many places in the hopes of attaining the best possible internship for what you can offer. It’s probably the easiest part of the internship process because you literally have nothing to lose! Use every available resource you have in today’s world.

Post on Facebook, websites like Student Job Search, Seek or Trade Me Jobs, and you could even go old school and call up a friend or acquaintance to ask for their help. Before you apply though, develop a curriculum vitae (CV) to emphasise your skills. A CV can present your background and distinguish you from other job seekers.

Use the CareerHub online services provided here at AUT, or even go into the careers centre for a visit. Before an internship interview, make sure you do your research. Learn how

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to walk the employer’s walk and talk the employer’s talk.

At the interview, you want to look as though you’d fit in and dazzle the recruiter with your knowledge about their business and industry.

The “line”

The more recent demand for internships sometimes brings companies to take advantage of cheap (or more likely free) labour. In a recent article, the Wall Street Journal described what companies are and are not allowed to ask from their unpaid interns. “An unpaid intern must not displace a regular employee and he or she should be learning beneficial skills similar to what would be taught in a school.” Moreover, unpaid interns “shouldn’t do work that provides an ‘immediate advantage’ to the company”.

So basically, you shouldn’t be sitting in a corner, stapling papers together and sealing envelopes all day. But I’m not complaining, as it’s a tough call. Interns want to do “real” work to some extent,

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ARTICLE

but figuring out at what point companies are taking advantage is difficult.

Internships gone wrong

If you’re stuck in a position of filing and other tedious tasks, but you knew that this was part of your job description, put a smile on your face and try to make the most of the opportunity. One employer says of one intern that “after the summer ended and she went back to school, we came across a blog post she wrote that said she had a really lame job… where she spent most of her day surfing the internet but got paid $20 an hour”. The office hung onto this post in the event that the intern ever required a reference. In the United States, The Huffington Post website is infamous in the journalism community for relying on free labour, both from interns and freelancers. And last year, the site actually auctioned off one of their “coveted” internships, for which people bid up to $13,000 for the opportunity. Paying to be an unpaid worker; this makes perfect sense. An American site, internshipratings. com, shows one of the worst internships to do is with U.S Cosmo magazine (I assure you, the Aussie/NZ offices are MUCH nicer), with one former intern stating “DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT INTERN AT THIS MAGAZINE! This is the WORST internship I have ever had! Frequently forced to work through lunch.

Twelve hour days without a break. Not spoken to like a human.” In a case like this, you can turn lemons into lemonade and find a way to enjoy the experience in some form (especially if it’s for academic credit), or you can leave. You’re only human.

Are they worth it?

Most people think the point of an internship is to make tea and coffee or run menial errands. A negative image has been formed over the years of a tortured intern trapped in a cubicle, filing endless amounts of paperwork. It's not always like that and it doesn't have to be. Of course, you’ll have to perform a few boring tasks every now and again, but that's part of ANY job.

But most companies offer all kinds of opportunities for interns to get hands-on experience. You might work for a local news station and help edit footage for a breaking story. Or maybe you’ll write articles for a magazine, like I am right now for my internship.

Whatever the case, you’ll receive a great opportunity to watch the real thing in action. People who work around you are generally very open, knowledgeable and willing to help, so ask as many questions as you can in order to get a more complete picture of the career.

“If you don’t have much experience you will need to be humble and not be too picky with where you end up working, so it’s smart to apply to many places in the hopes of attaining the best possible internship for what you can offer.”

Important tips Always make sure you know the answers to the following key questions once offered an internship position: ► What is the name of the individual to whom you will be responsible while you are involved in the experience? ► What are the working hours and how flexible will your schedule be with regard to your specific responsibilities? ► Will you be paid and/or receive academic credit? ► What kinds of day-to-day assignments can you expect to receive from your supervisor and others? ► Where will you be working throughout your experience?

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ISSUE 20 2012

POLITICS

O MR. INVISIBLE, WHERE ART THOU? JARRED WILLIAMSON

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W

ho am I? I have a low profile, polling has failed to make an impact and my caucus appears divided with talk of a leadership change. My name is Mr. Invisible, leader of the opposition.

Joking aside: In the third issue of debate this year, I wrote about Labour’s new leader and pondered the question of whether he could be the next prime minister of New Zealand.

A few months on from that it is easier to draw some conclusions in my column this week. The 2014 election will be extremely close as the government seeks that illusive third term and with the likes of ACT and United Future looking shaky, Labour will need to have a strong leader.

If you haven’t already read on 3News’ blog “Why does Labour hate David Cunliffe so much?” by political editor Duncan Garner, I suggest you do, it is an interesting read.

It points to some division in the Labour caucus and that an absent David Cunliffe is apparently trying to mount a coup. Not great publicity for a party that needs to build its profile.

Mr. Invisible: Dubbed “Mr. Invisible” by opponents, David Shearer’s nickname needs no explanation.

POLITICS

In late July, it was revealed that legendary New Zealand broadcaster Ian Fraser would be giving Shearer media training.

Will we finally see Shearer with fire in his belly? A firmly delivered response?

Media Training Maybe. Reading Brian Edwards’ blog on media training, Fraser will in no doubt have his work cut out for him. But, Edwards makes one thing clear – the fundamental personality of a person undergoing media training cannot be changed.

“Being born with the performance gene tells you nothing about whether a man or woman will make a great Prime Minister – consider David Lange – but in the modern race for the glittering political prize having it is a distinct advantage.”

I have respect for Shearer, especially for his previous endeavors before entering parliament and that he has remained relatively ‘clean’ thus far.

However, I have doubts over his abilities to lead the opposition and what he actually stands for.

Perhaps the media training will make Shearer a more memorable figure in the media and he will learn to captialise on situations where the opposition should, including a better on-camera authority. One thing is for sure, he needs to have more fire in his belly as Labour’s patience must be wearing thin.

Amid the weeks and weeks of bad publicity for the government, the leader of the opposition was nothing but a mere sound bite in the media.

I think some of his MPs were more noticeable and memorable.

Dismal polling only reflects the lack of impact Shearer is making; yet he doesn’t seem to acknowledge this.

In key debates over the likes of asset sales, alcohol reforms and water ownership, Shearer was simply absent. If he was given coverage in the media it was a dull and awkwardly delivered reply. I am being harsh here, yes, but there are problems if his deputy Grant Robertson and other key MPs were able to put out more colourful quotes and actually get people’s attention. Even the Greens are more visible.

Two things are striking – some MPs are more prominent than their leader and behind closed doors they are not fans of David Cunliffe.

“I don’t think anything’s gone wrong, polls go up and down.”

Junior MPs like Louisa Wall and David Clark have, in the past weeks, done quite well in getting their bills drawn from the ballot and have been at the front of the media coverage, so too with front bencher Jacinda Ardern. Sure, give your members a chance to promote their bills, but the fact of Shearer’s absence is

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noted.

It is these MPs thriving and being at the front of the debate that seems to be hurting Shearer in the polls.

The latest 3News poll has Shearer dropping from 12 per cent to 8.9 per cent as preferred prime minister.

One of the biggest problems with Labour is that a vast majority of its caucus has been there too long.

You can argue that this is the case on both sides of the house, but after a period of time, voters begin to get tired. No matter how many ‘rebrands’ or ‘fresh looks’ are promoted, at the end of the day it is mostly the same period that Helen Clark was prime minister (1999 – 2008).

MPs breaking the old rule of not speaking out against other members doesn’t help either in public perception. Mangere MP Su’a William Sio recently came out against Louisa Wall’s bill that would legalise same-sex marriage saying it would harm Labour, raising criticism on him and a shaky response from Shearer.

Leadership change rumours, already: Even if rumours from within your caucus aren’t true, the fact that there are rumours is a worrying sign.

Garner’s blog mentioned rumours that Cunliffe might try again for leader, who knows if that will come to fruition? I’ve always felt that Cunliffe had the ‘leader’ spark.

Other rumours point to the current deputy, Grant Robertson, as taking over the leadership if Shearer does not improve. Commentators have also put Jacinda Ardern as a future candidate for Labour leader and prime minister.

Nine months into Shearer’s leadership and beyond his honeymoon period, it seems he has failed to make an impact. There are growing calls for Labour and its members to look closely at itself and make some real change.

Mr. Invisible needs to be Mr. Visible if Labour want to truly govern come 2014.

ISSUE 20 2012

COLUMN

THINGS I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND

BY GRACE PATTERSON

1) I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW SOME PEOPLE MANAGED TO GET THEIR DRIVER’S LICENSE. OR IF THEY HAVE ONE AT ALL So okay, I myself have had a few ‘blonde moments’ behind the wheel, though none of them have resulted in a car crash of any sort yet.

However, some people on the road should actually be banned. I know, I know - the whole “bad drivers need to get off our roads” argument has been done and dusted, time and again, but hear me out. In order to support my statement I have a very true, very proving story to share with y’all: I was slowing to stop at a red light when heading home one evening a few weeks ago. The car in front of me clearly couldn’t decide which lane they wanted to be in, so was swerving mercilessly back and forth, before settling- at a very strange, and due to my mild OCD, irritating angle- just ahead of me in my lane. I rolled my eyes, thinking that would be the worst of it. Boy,

was I wrong. The car’s break lights flickered off, and the vehicle began rolling backwards, towards me in my little Vitzinator. Just as I allowed myself to panic, and just as my defensive driving course flashed before my eyes, the car stopped again. What. The. Heck?!

Following this, a very elderly lady (think Yoda meets that crazy ice-cream lady in The Spongebob Movie) literally gets out of her car and comes towards me to ask for directions. During all this malarkey, the traffic lights turn green twice.

I give her the best directions I can, trying to be polite despite my frustration so that I don’t come across as a “pesky teenager” or “one of those rude little beggars”. She hobbles in slow-mo back to her car and rolls backwards for a second time, before running a red light and switching lanes illegally to get onto the motorway. I drove the rest of the way home with my mouth half open, my left eye twitched half closed, and my brain swirling.

How?

2) I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE HATE READING. There are several reasons why I just can’t grasp this. First and foremost, reading is awesome. At the risk of sounding like a total nerd, reading is a beautiful thing. Reading a novel can provide an amazing escape from the real world and the problems it brings with it. It can put

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you firmly in the shoes of another person. It can kill time in a more productive- and depending on what you’re reading, more entertaining way than 9gag. It can broaden your horizons and your vocabulary, plus gives you conversation matter. It might be worth noting that about 26 per cent of the world’s adult population is illiterate. So if for nothing else, read because they can’t. Is that mean? I can’t tell. I mean it in the most supportive and respectful way possible.

3) I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY THERE ARE STILL YOUNG PEOPLE TAKING UP SMOKING. If you are a smoker, 0800 778 778 is the Quitline number. I get that if you’ve been smoking since you were a teen and you are now addicted to the nicotine it’s not as simple as just stopping. But for people my age to start smoking when they know the nasty consequences of it is beyond me. A guy who I work

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with recently came back from his break absolutely reeking of ciggies.

“Woah. You took up smoking?” I said. “Maybe,” he replied, trying to be cool. He failed in this attempt.

“Ew, why? You don’t seriously wanna do that?” I said. “Yeah I do.

It relaxes me,” he shot back. “Yeah, so does pilates.” I also have some friends who refer to themselves as “social smokers”. For me, this just seems like a dressed up way of saying, “I smoke every now and then because I wanna look cool for my friends, and I don’t have a brain to think or stand up for myself” or “Oh yeah, I kill myself, but only at parties.” Lame, son. Lame.

4) I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE MUSIC SADISTS.

FROM PAGE 14

I’m very much into my music, and when I say that, I mean it. I’m not just into one genre of music either.

I listen to almost everything, the only exclusion being scream-o and deep, deep country music. People often scroll through my iPod

COLUMN

and their eyebrows get all weird “cause of the variety”. “You listen to Kanye?!” I’m sorry. Does my being white, blonde, English, and female mean I can’t listen to a bit of KayDub? Then there are the people, I guess “hipsters”, who think they liked a band before everyone else liked the band. Or loved the song before it was on the radio. Or owned the album before the band’s tour. Who cares? If you like the song now, you like the song now.

Bond over it, don’t compete over it, jeepers. I also hate when a good as song comes on, I start jammin’, and the person I’m with makes a comment like, “Ugh, this is so old.”

First off, my car my rules, leave it on. Secondly, your FACE is old.

Thirdly, “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that songs have an expiry date.” And just a tip for those of you struggling to grasp time frames, a song that was released a few weeks ago is not old. If it was a baby it’d barely be making gurgling sounds; if it was a new phone you’d still be awaiting the first devastating scratch to the screen.

5) I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE LEAVE A QUARTER OF AN INCH OF MILK/WATER/POP IN THE FRIDGE.

go ahead and assume that the person doing so in my house is my 10-year-old brother, but age is no excuse. What use will I have with a teaspoon of milk or an eggcup of lemonade? None whatsoever. Ye of little common sense.

6) I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ARE SO ADAMANT THAT THEY ARE RIGHT. These people absolutely have to have the last word. This pet peeve of mine can be summed up in these three words: The Fart Philosophy.

I’m pretty sure I invented it.

Imagine this scenario. Someone farts. It legitimately wasn’t you.

Someone else in the room asks if it was you. You say no. They keep asking. You keep saying no, it wasn’t you. Then something like this said: “It’s okay, I don’t care, don’t worry about it.” BUT I DIDN’T FART. It’s one of the most frustrating exchanges of our time.

The person won’t accept that it was you. They go on at you, and then take the high road and let you off the hook, even though you weren’t even on the hook to start with. The Fart Philosophy can also be applied when someone tells you to calm down when you’re already cruising.

I will cut you.

Just finish it off. Honestly, it upsets me more to find a plebeian portion of liquid in a bottle than to find that there is no bottle at all. I’m gonna

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1. 25cm | 2. Sell beer and wine | 3. A Trout | 4. Doogie Howser MD | 5. True | 6. April | 7. True | 8. A Battery | 9. Cruella Deville | 10. The wind WORD JUMBLE: feather, feater, heater, father, reheat, afreet, ether, hater, eater, heart, after, three, there, earth, frat, fere, free, feta, reef, fret, tare, raft, here, heat, hear, hate, rate, hart, hare, rath, haft, feet, tear, thee, tree

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COLUMN

ISSUE 20 2012

Dear Chelsea,

Dear Chelsea,

I’m a first year student coming from an all boys school and I’ve been having a bit of trouble fitting in with the guy – girl ratio. There are maybe five girls for every one of us and I really haven’t had that much experience (coming from an all boys school) in talking to them.

I’ve never had a girlfriend so I get really nervous talking to girls. Do you have any tips?

I slept with my boyfriend’s best friend and I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. If I tell my boyfriend I will ruin their friendship and my relationship. But I can’t go on pretending like everything is ok. What can I do?

Please help, Screwed up big time

From, Unnoticed.

Dear Unnoticed, Yes, relating with the opposite sex for the first few times can be a bit daunting, but no worries, you will be fine – most girls don’t jump to the conclusion that you are hitting on them just by talking to them, so don’t fret. Firstly, the easiest way to practice (and for when you’re starting off talking to girls in class) ask for their help on something simple.

This doesn’t mean you should make yourself look dumb or silly, but start off conversations with simple comments.

For example, if you’re writing things down and you miss the last point say, “excuse me, did you get the last bullet point?” or simply, “is this seat taken?” You see?

Not big things, but it breaks the ice of silence; once you have spoken to someone, it’s not so awkward the second time. Don’t worry about talking heaps that first time; the initial question or remark has broken the silence and you can

Wow! Yep, that is certainly a situation. I can only give you advice at the end of the day and you need to do what you believe is best for you. There are a couple of questions you need to answer: Do you truly care about this boyfriend? And if so, will you cheat again?

just leave it there. Next time you come to class, if you happen to be near the same girl, just say hello and progress from there. Try to be natural and stay away from direct compliments until you know the person well – random guys giving compliments always comes off quite awkward. NOTE: When talking, a man’s greatest asset for making the situation comfortable is humour – if you can make the girls laugh (with you, not at you) you’re in. But be wary: try this when you’re a bit more confident; it can also fail if your humour isn’t funny. Last note: just relax. In tutorials, sit amongst the group, not on the outskirts of the class. If you’re seen, it’s more than likely girls will start up the conversation, so just act casual and take it as if you’re talking to a sister or girl at church, sport, whatever you’re comfortable with.

By your fretting over this I am going to assume you do care for your boyfriend so I have a very clear solution for you: You need to tell him the full truth; he may have questions and you need to face up and answer whatever he asks. The way you need to look at this is, if you truly care, he deserves to know; he deserves the right to decide to forgive you or to move on and be happy. Unfortunately, he may choose to end it with you but if you do truly care, you need to let him make that choice and have the chance to be with someone that loves him. He also deserves better friends that wouldn’t do that to him or the chance to decide how much this friendship means to him – boys have ways they relate to each other but it should be up to him if this ‘friend’ stays in his life. At the end of the day, cheating may have been a mistake, it could have started out innocent but at some point

Good luck, Unnoticed!

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you made a premeditated decision and decided to cross that line. It also comes down to the “how would you feel if he did that to you and never told you?”

That’s a pretty tough thing considering it’s the two closest people, but TELL HIM! Find some time alone with him, keep it calm and prep him. Don’t blurt it out; start off with something along the lines of “I need to talk to you, I’ve done something awful and you deserve the right to choose what happens”. Then he will have some idea. If you need to talk further about this, don’t discuss it with too many friends – it will become gossip. I know, it’s a bit weird, but give the Lifeline service a call (0800 543 354). It will give you the chance to talk it out with someone neutral and even if they can’t help, you’ve talked it out in your head and that clarifies things.

Do the right thing, screwed up big time!

QUOTE If you’re big enough to lie down and cheat, be big enough to tell the truth

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CM

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WWW.AUSM.ORG.NZ

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REVIEWS

THE CAMPAIGN

DAYS GO BY

Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis Director: Jay Roach | Run Time: 85 min

The Offspring

It’s American election year, so The Campaign targets up some cheap gags and satirical spoofs to loosen some tightly wound political tension – the funny thing is, politicians often make much bigger dicks of themselves than many of the portrayals in this clumsy, halfhearted flick.

Yet, Ferrell still has an innate ability to make me grin, even when he steps into the shoes of the most unlikable character. In The Campaign he plays Cam Brady – an obnoxious, rude, and arrogant North Carolina congressman who has run unchallenged for four terms. Things get difficult for him after he leaves a sexually charged message on his mistress’ answering machine which ends up in the hands of the media.

Enter Marty Huggins, played by Zach Galifianakis (the bearded dude who carried the baby in The Hangover). Huggins is a campy, happy-go-lucky family man and operator of a small travel agency who wears ugly cardigans and gushes over his of two little pugs.

It turns out he has some family connections and he’s somewhat shoved into the role of challenging Brady. This unlikely challenge is driven by the powerful and scheming Motch brothers (played

by Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow) who represent the shady, background operators of politics who have enough money in their pockets to pull the strings. They invest their money into Huggins and make sure he gets a much needed image makeover and all the political prepping needed to stand against Brady – suave campaign manager Tim Wattley (played by Dylan McDermott) is called to reshape Huggins and harden him up with face slaps and motivational

talks much like a boxer’s trainer.

So Brady and Huggins are set up against one another based on some pretty flimsy plot lines and this rivalry is the basis for many of the gags. Unfortunately, like most disappointing movies, audiences are overhyped by the trailer which promises a number of laughs. In this case there is baby punching, filthy talk from unlikely people, and one-upmanship of the funniest quality. There are definitely some great laughing moments but soon the plot gets tiresome and the gags lose their bite.

I never went into this movie expecting too much, I definitely never expected it to be highbrow satire, which some reviewers have suggested it could have been if more energy went into the script.

In this sense the Motch brother’s conspiracy to take advantage of cheap Chinese labour is the closest the movie ever comes to something of this nature. Yet, this is a very minor background plot in a movie that desperately needed more storytelling and plot twists to drive the hilarity along; in the end, it came to a slow crawl before wilting away with a tiresome laugh.

- Nigel Moffiet

The Offspring, that pop punk sounding band from the 1990s who played Pretty Fly (for a White Guy), have returned with their ninth studio album, Days Go By. If you’re a diehard fan of The Offspring then this album will already be in your collection; if not – approach it with a bit of caution. The album gives nothing new from The Offspring and you feel like you’ve heard it all before, but you may still find yourself foot tapping along subconsciously because of their continuously catchy sound.

The Offspring kick off their Days Go By campaign with an all partying, all hanging out with babes on the beach song, Cruising California (Bumpin’ in My Trunk). The track is pretty much summed up in the title – it’s a fun song for The Offspring to bring out first and I don’t dislike it, but after eight albums, I feel The Offspring can do a bit better.

On the flipside, the second single Days Go By becomes a bit more personal with the lyrics it “Doesn’t matter in the end / those days go by / and we all start again”. It’s still as carefree as The Offspring always have been, but in a more warm fuzzy, uplifting kind of way and it rescues an otherwise plain album.

When I listened to the rest of the songs on the album I didn’t feel like there was much variation between them.

The best way to describe it is if you’ve got it on in the background, you might not even notice a change in song apart from that bit of silence between the tracks. I could say The Future is Now and Hurting as One are good songs – because they are – but I might as well say Spare Me The Details and Self Esteem (both realised in the mid-2000s) are good songs because it’s all the same old stuff which we already have in our iTunes library.

An interesting decision made on Days Go By was to include a re-record of Dirty Magic, a song originally on The Offspring’s 1992 album Ignition. It’s a good song, and I like that it gives the album a different sound, but I don’t quite understand the motives. Are The Offspring trying to take a step backwards despite the rest of the album sounding modern? Are they trying to hold onto the fragments of the 1990s when they were the most fly band around? Or do they simply love that song so much they wanted to include it?

Technically, Days Go By is all there – guitars are good, drums are good, vocals are good, songs sound fine.

However, it sounds so dated and, dare I say it, safe. The Offspring are that rebellious band who don’t care what society thinks of them, so why they didn’t put out an album which pushes the boundaries a bit more is beyond me.

- Renee Simpson

REVIEWS

BERNIE

ROOSTER TEETH

Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine and Matthew McConaughe Director: Richard Linklater | Run Time: 104 min

www.roosterteeth.com

Murder is generally not an entertaining subject. It’s violent, it’s often bloody and it’s usually not understandable. Why was the murder committed? What motivated the killer? Were they truly that heartless? Bernie answers these questions. And it answers them with style.

Bernie is the story of Texan funeral director Bernie Tiede and how he ended up being suspected of the murder of Widow Marjorie Nujent. The film is different in that the story begins well before the actual murder; before Bernie and Marjorie even meet. Presented as a kind of documentary within a film combined with a film, Bernie doesn’t just tell the story. The ‘real’ film is crossed with intimate, documentary style interviews with other characters throughout and it makes the story feel a little more believable and yet also a tad surreal. It gives a sense of collective community amongst the characters, bringing a large group of people who aren’t ever shown together and making them all seem connected.

Director Richard Linklater also tries to show what kind of person Bernie himself was and in some ways tries to show the kind of the world he lives in. The film is never dark and foreboding; everything is always lit up by the shining Texan sun and in fact there are no scenes that take place at night.

It means that when watching the film, we are placed into Bernie’s continually optimistic state of mind and it makes him that much more relatable.

Greatly assisting the film (and it is indeed the highlight) is Jack Black’s performance of Bernie Tiede. Electric on stage yet utterly

detestable in, say, Nacho Libre, Black has an interesting track record. However he manages to take his trademark insanity and quirkiness and turn it into something a little more. Black throughout the film carries himself with a kind of nervous energy, making Bernie an incredibly believable character.

Black makes him slightly effeminate and very charismatic and manages to convey very well exactly what it was that the town of Carthage found so appealing about Bernie Tiede.

It’s a great performance and it’s most definitely the highlight of Black’ career. Shirley MacLaine, as Marjorie, is also particularly good, injecting a large dollop of venom into her role, making not only Bernie, but the audience want her to die.

The film is also scripted incredibly well – it manages to capture the vernacular of the town without being over-played and hackneyed. It also somehow takes the rather dark matter of Bernie being slowly driven to murder and makes it oddly humorous; not inducing belly laughs but rather wry chuckles.

The film is incredibly engrossing and while it has its pauses, it never feels boring (again thanks in large part to the on-key script and fine performances). I couldn’t find any particular fault with the film other than the fact that the film ends in an open manner and in fact leaves you wanting to see more of Bernie. Overall, Bernie is a quirky, funny, almost melancholy film that tells an incredibly engrossing story with a performance by Jack Black that eclipses anything he’s done up to this point.

- Kieran Bennett

Design Usability Creativity Content

I have had this website recommended to me many times, but I’ve just never gotten round to checking it out. So last week when I was diligently engaging in research for my Media Communication essay, I thought I deserved a break after writing those two lines and decided to hit this site up – for three hours.

Rooster Teeth is a comedy video site that creates and broadcasts a huge range of different video series. Ranging from the famous (at least amongst the video game community) Red vs. Blue to a weekly series about life around the Rooster Teeth office; there’s a broad range of material. I’ve been working my way through (since my first visit) a bunch of series but the big stand outs are Red vs. Blue and the RT Animated Adventures.

What I found, looking through all the different material, is that while not all of it is gutbustingly funnily, the vast majority is actually pretty damn entertaining. The people behind Rooster Teeth have a distinct advantage over other comedy websites in that they all appear to possess a degree of intelligence and wit. This means that none of the videos (that I’ve watched) rely on nothing but poop jokes and yelling.

That’s not to say that it doesn’t feature on the site, it’s just in a nice moderation. A particularly cool feature of the site is the ability to download podcasts of the Rooster Teeth staff talking about what happens to strike there fancy at the time. I haven’t

listened too many, but what I have, have been (as the young people say) “off the chain”.

Quite humorous that is. The site itself is fairly pleasing to look at, sporting a plain design, with the site’s news feed running down the middle surrounded by a nice blue. It makes the site easy to read and the fact that there’s such a large amount of content isn’t particularly impeding. All the different categories are laid out at the top of the page and drop down into sub-categories, making it even easier to skive off your work.

One of the few problems I have with the site is that when you open it, it loads up the latest video and starts playing it.

While not a huge issue it can really slow the site down and it’s just unnecessary. Also, as a new user, it’s a little daunting to (finally) open the main page and be confronted with a huge downwards stream of news and updates for things that you’ve never even heard of – I eventually just got scared and took solace in the drop down menus. These are however minor blemishes on the fresh face of a very funny and entertaining website.

Rooster Teeth does not exist to provide you with imaginary internet points, sell you a larger penis or give you funny cat gifts.

Rooster Teeth seems to exist to entertain you and a website like this, that does it well, is as rare as a Rooster’s tooth.

- Kieran Bennett

VOX POP

ISSUE 20 2012

AUT ON CONSPIRACIES Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“I don’t know? All I think of is the USA and corrupt governments.”

Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“No. Not at all.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“No I don’t believe in those.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“It’s possible. It’s a big universe. We know less than one per cent of what’s out there.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“I never thought she was a cheater. I never thought anyone would be a cheater at the Games.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“No I didn’t. But I heard her consistency was much improved which raised suspicions.”

ETTIENE DU PREEZ

21 - Electrical Engineering

TYLER JOHNSTON

18 - Bachelor of Computer and Information Science

Any plans for the upcoming break?

“Just study.”

MICHELLE MAI

Any plans for the upcoming break?

“Just working, making money.”

22 - Marketing & Management

Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“The Illuminati and stuff. The Bilderberg theory. That the richest people in the world control everything like the media and the news etc.”

Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“I believe some of them.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“I believe aliens are real. But I don’t think they’re like Martians. I believe they live in society with us. I have a crazy conspiracy. They’re like alter-species that look like humans.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“I thought she just worked hard on it.

Like training and shit.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“I think they are buzzy. They could be real.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“I didn’t even watch the Olympics. I just watched the female gymnastics for the hot chicks. “

MATA MOEKAA

Any plans for the upcoming break?

“There’s a break? It just started!”

19 - International studies

Any plans for the upcoming break?

“Moving out of home. I’m looking for flatmates so contact me on 0211884947”

Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“Nah. It’s a bit weird.”

Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“That humans are aliens.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“There’s something else out there somewhere but they wouldn’t have the technology like ours.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“There’s definitely got to be something.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“Sorry, I’ve been living under a rock.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“The only thing I heard about it is that she’s a man.”

INDY HERMAN 18 - Graphic design

JEREMY THOMAS 23 - Business

Any plans for the upcoming break?

“Studying chemistry, yay!”

Any plans for the upcoming break? ““Going home to Whangarei and hang out on the beach.”

EMMA WINGROVE

24 - Environmental Science

Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“My favourite one is that the Knights Templar discovered America and established Switzerland.”

Do you believe in conspiracy theories? Any favourites?

“Where to start? I’m not a believer. I hate how everyone goes on about the Illuminati and all that rubbish.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“I think they’re real but probably not what we think they are.”

UFOs and E.T.?

“I’m agnostic. I believe there is a higher power out there.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“I heard on the radio some guy thought she was hot and wanted to sleep with her. She didn’t look like an athlete.”

Did you suspect Ostapchuk was on the roids?

“I thought she looked like the kid off Two and a Half Men.”

Any plans for the upcoming break?

“Study.”

JOSHUA YOUNG 21 - Commerce

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Any plans for the upcoming break?

“Nothing at all. Work and study.”

If you are a news hound, sports nut, political guru, pop-culture fanatic, columnist, reviewer, feature writer, camera happy, artist, cartoonist, general know-it-all or astrologer.

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