Consumed By Lucy Wormald (she/her)
Culture and Lifestyle Writer, Lucy Wormald, reflects on losing herself to an all-consuming relationship, and her journey somewhat back.
It’s funny, the gap between who you want to be and who you are. You want to be edgy, kind of aloof. You want to be self-contained, a thriving and sort of enterprising young woman. But what you are, is desperate to be in love. Sometimes you try and teach yourself to be embarrassed by this but you can’t bring yourself to be. That is how devoted you are to the cause. You hope that this reads to the outside world as ‘romantic’, or at the very least ‘staunch’, but deep down you know it’s just pure and unfettered thirst. Contrary to popular assumptions, this trait has not sprouted from a lack of parental affection. You don’t believe that true love will make you whole. You don't even feel
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particularly lonely. You just sense that there is an immense and delicious type of love that can be (has to be?!) felt. This feeling is obscure but unabating, existing at your peripheries like the silvery tail of a memory or a word on the tip of your tongue. Adding fuel to the fire, you have heard the stories of star-crossed lovers. You have seen The English Patient. Your mum and dad are goddamn soulmates. You nurture this collection of seeds with the rich soil of your imagination until they are swollen and monstrous fruit. You are the self-appointed Queen of Daydreams; by night, the MP for Delusion. And you spend a great deal of time being lovelorn over nobody in particular.
And so when someone comes along with dimples and good shoes and a sureness that is dazzling, you go for broke. You throw in all your chips; then the whole casino for good measure. The sensation is intoxicating. It glimmers and is heady. You feel like you’re wading through honey. After so much anticipation, and fearing it fleeting, you drown yourself in this feeling. In your head, you are constantly doing that thing people do on game shows where they clasp their hands together and shake them in victory. You take the relationship and photocopy it into 1 billion pamphlets and post it all over your life. You step back and look at your decorative work and nod in approval of your great taste.
