DEBATE | ISSUE 9 by Debate Magazine

debate ISSUE 9 | MAY 2015

CREDITS EDITOR Laurien Barks laurien.barks@aut.ac.nz SUB-EDITORS Matthew Cattin Amelia Petrovich Julie Cleaver

CONTENTS

DESIGNER Ramina Rai rrai@aut.ac.nz CONTRIBUTORS Daniel Haines, Matthew Cattin, Nigel Mckenzie-Ryan, Fiona Connor, Kieran Bennett, Julie Cleaver, Dorris Plum, Amelia Petrovich, Nicole Hunt, Rhianna Osborne, Shivan, Ethan Sills, Lian Thay, Ali Thair, Alex Murphy, Nuzhat Jahan, Caterina Atkinson

Pg 3 Editor’s Letter

Pg 22 The Bachelor: A Step Backwards

Pg 4 Meet the Subs

Pg 24 In Today's News

Pg 5 Vice Prez Sez

Pg 26 It’s Not About the Money, Money (but it kind of is)

Pg 6 Do Universities Honour the Treaty of Waitangi?

Pg 28 Turning Off the Switch

ADVERTISING Harriet Smythe hsmythe@aut.ac.nz

Pg 9 Cool Shit

Pg 30 In Short

Contributions can be sent to

Pg 10 Clubbing Over My Head

Pg 32 The Eternal Youth of Denim

Pg 12 Q&A with Celine Cousteau of Contiki

Pg 34 Why You Should Watch: Revenge

Pg 14 A Hard Pill to Swallow

Pg 35 Reviews

Pg 17 The Pie-fact Q&A

Pg 36 Kids With Carrots

Pg 18 Four for Four

Pg 37 Recipe

Pg 20 A Lil Bit Lonely

Pg 38 Puzzles

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the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM. DISCLAIMER Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, Soar Print or its subsidiaries.

Pg 21 U Da Real MVP

Cover Illustration by Denise See

DIRECTORY

AUSM.ORG.NZ

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CLUBS Josh Tupene jtupene@aut.ac.nz

ADVOCACY Siobhan Daly siobhan.daly@aut.ac.nz

FA C E B O O K . C O M / A U S M D E B AT E

EVENTS Carl Ewen carl.ewen@aut.ac.nz

Well, being a born-and-raised-Christian-til-the-age-of-15, I’m calling bullshit on Hopeful Christian (and AJ Miller, and Brian Tamaki, and we have too many borderline/full on cult leaders around here…). I think anyone with an unwashed brain and inkling of theological knowledge can call bullshit on these ‘leaders.’ Christianity (and any religion/morals of decent human beings) when you get down to the nitty gritty - says one thing at its core: Don’t be an arse. Well, Cooper, when you’re using psychological manipulation to convince people that not living under your rule is equivalent to giving up their salvation – you’re being an arse. When you’re saying things like “Is she a child if she’s capable (biologically) of being a mother?” about 12 year old girls - you’re being an arse. And when your response is to banish members who question the hypocrisy of your words, and inform their wives that if they choose to stay with their “evil” husbands, they’ll be damning themselves and their children to hell – well, you’re just being a right arse then. “You’re banished, damned, and full of evil because you questioned whether I was ‘blameless’ outside of the church. How dare you,” said the molester. I guess I’m not saying anything that the vast majority of the population hasn’t been thinking and saying already. But the blatant wrongness of it all didn’t really hit me until I sat down and punched myself in the ill-inducing feels with documentary after documentary of these cults. Why is it being debated whether this community should be shut down or not? In the name of ‘if they’re not hurting anyone then we’re in no position to judge them’ attitudes?

E D I TO R ' S L E T T E R A few weeks ago, Gloriavale – the Christian Community in the Haupiri Valley – was splashed on the news. I thought it’d be appropriate to write about the whole ordeal in one way or another, because of the level of coverage and interest surrounding the, in many opinions, up-and-coming cult. I realized I knew surprisingly little about cults in general, they’ve always been the backdrop to creepy stories and apocalyptic news reports, but when I got down to doing my research, it came to my attention that “creepy” is a gross understatement. I think it’s easy to blame religion if you’re a born and raised atheist when it comes to this kind of thing. If the Bible didn’t exist, these psycho cult leaders wouldn’t have any justification for their sexual abuse, murders (under the guise of ‘mass suicides’), and brainwashing power tactics. I mean, even if Neville Cooper (aka. Hopeful Christian) was sentenced to prison for sexual abuse charges, even if his own son has come out and accused his father of molesting him at the age of 17, at the end of the day Cooper returns home to several hundred people who love him, respect him, and are willing to “lay down (their) life for him.” Show me an atheist molester with that kind of support. When Christianity is used as a tool of justification and saving grace for abominable actions, heck, I don’t blame people for their “Crazy Christians” accusations.

Unless it’s a community of well-informed, worldly, God-fearing adults who are equipped with skills that financially allow them to come and go as they please, then people are getting hurt in some way. Are there not alarm bells going off in peoples’ minds when it’s openly discussed that the ‘shepherds’ of Gloriavale like to go the extra mile to make sure their cult is portrayed in a positive light? If it’s as pure and true as they claim, shouldn’t it be camera ready without that extra mile slapped on? The people in Gloriavale, and any other cult I’ve witnessed, are trapped to some degree. If you ask me, in this kind of situation, there’s not a whole lot of difference between armed guards, and the born-and-raised belief that eternal damnation is only ever an act of disobedience away. “They are free to leave” becomes redundant at the voice of a man who strips his people of skills to survive outside of his gates, and instils them with fear-filled lies from the moment they’re birthed from their near-child mothers. Cooper said it himself when asked what people give up in order to be a part of Gloriavale: “Themselves.” I know a lot of Christians and I got to know Jesus’ teachings when I went to church, not once have I been given the impression that I need to become a personality-less shell unable to think for herself. In fact, Sunday school taught me the opposite – why on earth would God have made me into a unique ‘snowflake’ if he wanted me to give it all up and melt into an indistinguishable puddle under the rule of some old guy? Some *rich old guy. Some *rich old guy who likes to have sex with younger women and needs a way to convince them. I spy with my little eye a trend of middle aged men who were never taught what a normal mid-life crisis looks like. And it needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets even more out of control. 3

M E E T T H E S U B - E D I TO R S

A M E L I A P E T R OV I C H

J U L I E C L E AV E R

So I’m finding it hard to believe that I’ve landed my first real, adult job… mainly because I don’t believe that I’m actually a real adult.

I have always been a massive fan of Debate. Don’t tell anyone, but back in high school I pretended to be a university student so that I could submit my work in Debate (sorry Matthew). So to be here, in the AUSM office writing a sub-editorial, it’s kind of a dream come true for me. One of the reasons I adore Debate so much is because I really, really love democracy. It’s definitely flawed, but after visiting Cambodia and seeing the lasting destruction of a communist regime, I realised the way we have it here is pretty damn good. In order for democracy to exist, there needs to be an open media where people can discuss things freely. Hence why I ship Debate, it gives students a platform to share their opinions, allowing them to partake in democracy; win!

I kind of pretend to be one, quite well in some ways. I moved up to Auckland from my family home in Wellington early 2014 after the, almost mandatory, Kiwi gap year. That’s pretty adultlike, right? I mean, I pay rent and power bills and things; I have boring adult concerns like whether or not it will rain today and ruin my washing, heck, I even survived a year flatting with people who didn’t speak English 80 percent of the time! But, despite everything, I still feel barred from grown-up land. My appreciation for copious amounts of glitter and closet-love of Taylor Swift means that my maturity level is sitting closer to that of a ten year old on a sugar-high than an actual, weatherdiscussing adult. I like to string fairy lights up everywhere, take myself on tea party dates, and sometimes I’ll get home at 2:00am and make muesli because carbohydrates and dried fruit are more fun than eight hours of sleep. Therefore, all things considered, I am both very grateful and very confused to be here. My life is hectic and sometimes it feels like there are a lot of things in it, but there are a few things that matter more than most. I like any hot beverage, I like dad dancing (it’s a legitimate dance style), I like taking pretentious photographs, and I really, really like writing fun stuff for Debate. I’ve had a charmed existence the past year and a bit having a magazine like Debate keen for my writing. You may have seen my stuff over the last while and noticed that a lot of what I do is quite silly with a lot of self-depreciating humor and analogies (because laughing at stuff I do is like staring at a crawling baby for hours, funny and strangely educational). Not everybody is into that but apparently Debate is, which is hella lovely, and hopefully you are too (into my writing that is, not ‘lovely’, I already know you’re lovely, I mean look at you!). Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’m just about the happiest glitter-loving, tea-drinking, half-adult around right now and I’m going to do great stuff for y’all this year. Stay funky, Amelia.

You know what else I’m a huge fan of? Words. Words are powerful. They can rally armies, change the consciousness of a whole generation or even simply bind two people together ‘til death do they part’. I’m passionate about writing, yet for me it’s always been a really intimate activity, so this writing in an office experience is taking a bit of getting used to. I usually write late at night in my pjs, with a block of Whittaker’s by my side. Whereas now I’m in an office, in clothing and instead of chocolate accompanying me, I’m surrounded by a bunch of awesome, creative people. It’s definitely a change, but it’s a good one because after all, people are much more exciting than confectionary goodies (most of the time). I’m sure frequent Debate readers will get to know me over the course of time, just as I have gotten to know many writers without ever meeting them. So I’ll save the ‘about me’ speech for now and let my articles do the talking. However, there is one thing that I would like to share, because this one’s a biggie. My favorite thing in this world is connecting to people, in big and small ways, as I believe this gives us all meaning. So if you at any point want to make the reader/writer conversation a two-way street, feel free to email me at juliecleaver@hotmail. co.nz. I look forward to connecting with you! Julie

So in case you didn’t know, AuSM has an Advocacy Team which exists to help YOU with various troubles that you may come across as a student. AUSM provides a FREE, INDEPENDENT, IMPARTIAL and CONFIDENTIAL advocacy service for all enrolled students (part-time, full-time, undergrad or post grad). Don’t worry because all advocates within the team come from a legal background, and are highly skilled. The can help you with a range of things from plagiarism/cheating, disciplinary action, grades, complaints, AUT rules, and legal issues i.e. tenancy, employment, police/criminal charge, visa, etc. Please don’t feel shy to contact them for help on advocacy@aut.ac.nz. Trust me, I have used them plenty of times myself.

VICE-PREZ SEZ Kia ora! Study tip: Try music that has no words. There are study playlist on Youtube. The AuSM@AUT Battle of the Bands is back for 2015. If you are entering your band or solo act to compete, the heats are coming up on 21st and 28th of May. These heats will be a competition for a place in the final on the 4th of June at Vesbar. You could be in to win the grand prize of a one day recording contract in the Red Bull Studios, a spot to play an AuSM Event in 2016, and a 100 dollar Vesbar Bar Tab. We also have our AGM coming up on the 19th of May, so make sure you keep an eye out for it. There will be food and prizes!!!

Random fact about myself this week is that I got to travel to Taiwan with AUT in December 2013. The opportunity was very last minute as I found out five weeks before we left (the group I travelled with had been preparing for two years). We were there for 12 days on an indigenous culture exchange for media students. I had to work very hard over those five weeks to have money to take, get all my travel injections, renew my passport, and learn the songs and dances we were going to perform. But it was all worth an amazing trip where I learnt so much, and I am very thankful for the opportunity. If you see me around campus or at events or free feeds please don’t be shy to say hi or let me know what’s up. If you are too shy or busy, please feel free to contact me on urshula.ansell@aut. ac.nz , or come to my office at WC inside the student lounge. I’ll be there waiting. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas A. Edison

• Currently I am in my second year of a business degree, majoring in marketing and advertising. • I come from a very large extended family, with my mother’s family from the Netherlands, and my father’s side from Samoa. • I have found that coming from a very large bicultural family has helped me understand two different sides of life. • Apart from being the Pacific Representative, I am also an academic mentor. So if you need a hand with any assignments, let me know. • In my spare few moments during semester breaks, I am usually found in the gym trying to figure out Brazilian jiu-jitsu at Sorriso Bjj.

SRC SEZ Hello, Kia Ora, Talofa lava, Fakalofa lafi atu, Malo e lelei, Taloha ni, Ni Sa Bula vinaka, Kia Orana, and Aloha to you all! As we all know, in semester one it gets colder and colder, which means one thing… exams are coming! People start to walk a little faster, type a little quicker, and drink a little more coffee, but that’s just the way it is! Now we have our last sprint to the finish line then we are done! … Til next semester. My name is Bronson Tulua-tuitavake Willem Wilson (thanks Mum and Dad!) and I would just like to introduce myself, as I am your Pacific Affairs Representative at AUT this year. Here are a few facts about me:

My main role this year is to represent the Pacific students at AUT, although I am also here to be relaying any concerns you have to the student representative council, so if things are going great, let me know! And if things are going not great, also let me know! To do this, I need to first meet you all and hear your thoughts on uni so far. Throughout the year we will be celebrating many language weeks starting with Samoa in May and ending with Tokelau in October. We can all look forward to these weeks as it is a chance to celebrate New Zealand’s diverse amount of cultures that all contribute to our identity as a Pacific nation. If you have any concerns or just want to chat, send me an email at paffairs@aut.ac.nz, or alternatively, I am usually found wandering around the city campus and hanging out in the Pacific Student Support Centre at WB215. 5

DO UNIVERSITIES HONOUR THE TREATY OF WAITANGI? TE TIRITI O WAITANGI by Daniel Haines

Tàwhaitia te ara o te tika,  te pono me te aroha, kia piki ki te taumata tiketike.  Follow the path of integrity, respect, and compassion;  scale the heights of achievement. This Māori proverb or whakataukī opens the AUT Annual Report 2014. It is worth investigating whether or not it is window dressing, or a deeper recognition of Te Reo Māori and the Treaty of Waitangi. Universities are failing to honour the Treaty of Waitangi. The positive obligations created by the Treaty of Waitangi are not being fulfilled within New Zealand universities. Article III of the Treaty states that ‘Māori people of New Zealand will have the same rights as those of the people of England;’ but in socio-economic terms, Māori have suffered for many years a number of well-documented social, economic, educational, and health problems. A failure to give effect to the Treaty of Waitangi from 1840-1975, as well as Māori alienation from political mechanisms has meant Māori are underperforming in a number of sectors in society – including tertiary education.To understand if universities honour the Treaty of Waitangi, we need to know what the means in 2015. New Zealand was founded in 1840 with the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi, and Te Tiriti o Waitangi – it’s necessary to mention both documents as the Māori and Pākehā texts differ as a result of a poor translation (and arguably, deception). The modern relationship between Crown and Māori is founded on many factors, but here are two important reasons: Firstly in international law, the doctrine Contra proferentem, also known as ‘interpretation against the draftsman’, provides that when the terms of an agreement are ambiguous, a document should be interpreted against the party who wrote it – and that indigenous language texts should take precedence. Secondly, the New Zealand Māori Council v Attorney –General [1987] NZLR 641 (Lands case) defined the principles of the Treaty of Waitangi in what J Cooke describes as ‘perhaps as important for the future of our country as any that has come before a New Zealand Court’. Lands case acknowledged the differences between the Treaty and Te Tiriti were too difficult to resolve, but underpinning these texts are universal principles that can be identified. These principles lay the foundation of a partnership that, in no doubt, imposes as positive obligation on the Crown. Many of the Treaty principles apply specifically to universities, some include: protection of Māori interests, duty of consultation with Māori, a duty to meet the needs of the wider Māori community, recognition of Māori as the authority on their own resources and culture, and the extension of rights and privileges of citizenship to Māori.

This is not an exhaustive list, but it sets out some criteria we can measure indicators against. Additionally, universities are connected to a larger network of organisations that are responsible for ensuring that universities honour the Treaty, some of these include: the Minister for Tertiary Education, the Ministry of Education, the Tertiary Education Commission. Collectively all of these organisations are responsible for honouring the Treaty. Steven Joyce, the Minister for Education, Skills and Employment is required to create a long-term strategic direction for tertiary education. The Tertiary Education Strategy 2014-19 has identified Māori success as one of five key priorities. The report identifies, that by 2030, 30 percent of New Zealand will be of Māori or Pasifika descent, which makes the delivery of tertiary education to these groups a top priority. In 2010, 50 percent of New Zealanders had a tertiary qualification, compared to 11 percent for Māori, and 13 percent for Pasifika. The Ka Hikitia – Accelerating Success 2013-17 Māori education strategy has targets to boost Māori research and Māori language outcomes – but these don’t specifically bridge Māori students into universities. The ‘racism of low expectations’ means Māori students are not supported to achieve academic success. Māori students are pigeonholed into lower qualifications – for example – instead of being encouraged to become a physiotherapist, a Māori student is pushed into being a personal trainer; or instead of being a clinical psychologist, a Māori student is being pushed into social work. Education is transformational, but it isn’t enough just for Māori to get their foot in the door, they need to be excelling at all levels.

But there is a deeper problem here that is only visible when looking at the big picture. Instead of mainstreaming and changing the status quo to incorporate what is needed for Māori success, universities have created units which only further marginalize Māori. This is the heart of the problem – should universities support separate development or change the whole to make it friendly for Māori. A bicultural identity in New Zealand was forged during a renaissance of Māori activism in the 1970s-’80s, during this period Māori language and icons were incorporated into the mainstream, minor changes took place within the social and political system, and Māori were located within institutional structures. In spite of this, the status quo remained largely unchanged. The dominant cultural norms were those decided by the Pākehā majority. To truly raise the role of tangata whenua as Treaty partners within universities, Māori must not be ghettoized, but instead must be a meaningful and authentic partner in developing the curriculum.

Education is transformational, but it isn’t enough just for Māori to get their foot in the door, they need to be excelling at all levels.

Targeted entry programmes can be problematic. But let’s be clear, I strongly believe in affirmative discrimination, after actively assimilating Māori culture, Pākehā can’t then hit the reset button on 175 years of colonialism. But a scheme that supports Māori into limited entry programmes is going to cause problems.

Typically in programmes like law or medicine, you have 40 percent of the top Pākehā students, but only one percent of the top Māori students. At the coalface, Māori students who are admitted into restricted courses as a result of targeted schemes do benefit. It isn’t that Māori students are not intelligent enough, but they might miss some small competencies that additional wrap-around support could remedy – this can be as little as fostering a community in a new environment. However, this additional support can sometimes create problems for Māori students, as their Pākehā colleagues believe they were not able to get in on their own merit. As challenging as this can be, over time, the long-term goal is to make our tertiary providers reflect our society.

At a national level, Steven Joyce, the Minister for Tertiary Education, has signaled his intention to require university councils to ‘have at least one Māori member to assist the Government role of raising achievement for Māori.’ In spite of this, in 2013, of the nine council members who were Māori, four were elected students on one year terms, and only one out of his last 30 appointments were Māori. Without Māori representatives who have genuine and democratic connections to their communities, steps to foster Māori voice will continue to remain meaningless.

At a local level, AUT recognizes the Treaty in the AUT Strategic Plan 2012-2016 – a document inaccessible to most students. More needs to be done by universities to make this information more accessible to students. Nevertheless, the strategic plan does incorporate Māori success within all five strategic themes. Instead of having Māoridom sit outside the social norm, it incorporates the values of tika, pono, and aroha into the key objectives. How this translates into the real world for Māori students is much more difficult to measure. It’s unlikely that the Treaty is top of mind for many decision-makers within the university. But the steps that have been taken are commendable. The principles of the Treaty need to underpin every decision that is made at university for it to truly honour the Treaty. For students, universities can be near impossible to navigate. But within the structure of the university, from senior management to the classroom, if decisions are being made - mindful of Treaty obligations - tikanga Māori would be imbedded within universities, and not just be a part of it.

COOL SHIT

S TA R L I G H T, STAR BRIGHT Karen Murrell’s number one selling lipstick colour, Pink Starlet, is definitely worth a second glance. It’s a ‘day-tonight’ versatile lippy that embodies a delicate yet strong blue-gold base colour which unravels a flash of pink suited to all skin, eye and hair colour types. Hailed as ‘vegetarian lipsticks’, Karen Murrell Lipsticks are made with no animalbased materials and are not tested on animals. Instead they have things like avocado oil, cinnamon, primrose oil, and carnauba wax. They retail at $29.95 at selected pharmacies and health food stores nation wide.

GOODNESS ME! You know those trendy little chia seeds that are sweeping the nation’s smoothies, salads, and mueslis? Well, Goodness Natural Beauty Lab found that if you squeeze the bejesus out of those little chia seeds, you get a lightweight super-oil that’s a mega-omega boost for our skin! So they’ve created a skincare range using the magic little seed. From oil, to moisturizers, to cleansers, to face scrub, they’ve got something for everyone and every need. Check them out in selected Farmers and New World stores nationwide.

M A K E M Y DAY Create your perfect day in some of the world’s most dynamic cities with these ridiculously cool mix-and-match guidebooks from the Lonely Planet series “Make My Day!” These unique spiral-bound guides are divided into thirds – Morning, Afternoon, and Evening – enabling you to easily flip through each book’s activity sections, match your perfect day’s itinerary from more than 2000 potential combinations, and go your own way on a fully customised city adventure. They retail at $26.99, and are available for purchase at leading booksellers nationwide. To win a set of these books (Tokyo, London, San Francisco, Paris, New York City, and Barcelona), email laurienbarks@aut.ac.nz with the answer to this question: Which of these six cities would you most like to visit, and why? 9

C lubb i ng Ove r M y H e a d by Matthew Cattin All of a sudden, I looked up from my sneans and noticed I was stranded in a sea of dicks, waving and bobbing to the monotonous beat like anemone tentacles. How did I get here? How long could I fake it? How much more could I take? Let’s wind back the clocks a few hours… It was my first night at a Queenstown hostel; a crisp Friday. Having arrived a few hours earlier to an empty dorm, it felt unseasonably quiet, but little did I know, it was merely the calm before the D storm. Moments away from preparing a cheap dinner and calling it a night, a loud group of internationals descended upon our dorm, eager to shift into party gear and lap up the night life. Hailing from Canada, the USA, Great Britain and France, the mixed bag of travellers invited my road trip companion and I to join them, and having no better plans, we accepted. The drinking games began, and I was astounded at the masochistic fervour in which some were partaking, volunteering to ‘ride the bus’ and consume copious amounts of pain. I took it easy, played my cards right, and stuck exclusively to beers. I wanted the social lubrication, but was careful to avoid squirting lube all over the slippery slope.

Some time before the witching hour struck, we set off for town, a little worse for wear, but eager nonetheless to set the D floor on fire. Before I go on, I must interrupt the story here to give y’all a brief explanation of my clubbing experience… Clubbing and I don’t go way back. I’ve tried to enjoy it with an open mind and I’ve tried to enjoy it with a foggy disposition, but it’s never really been my jam - we go together like forks and soup. The music makes me want to weep, the people make me want to go home to a nice book, and the hook up culture makes me feel like a devout Bible belt preacher. Until that fateful Friday, I hadn’t set foot in a club in years – not since my uni days in fact. That’s not to say I don’t get out… I mean, I rarely do… But I’m much more into live music than throbbing nightclubs. I like knowing the words and belting them out in the chorus, the spontaneous nature of a live environment, and most of all, I appreciate experiencing one or two tempo changes throughout the night, if it’s not too fucking much to ask. So here I was, stepping into a club after years of blissful abstinence. Leaving the clean autumn air behind, I showed my ID to the bouncer, half-hoping he would deny me entry for my despicable sneans. Apparently a big fan of dad fashion, he let me in.

You see, when I packed for the roady, I never suspected ‘going out’ would be on the cards. I left my jeans and shoes behind, packing instead sensible grey track pants, sneakers, tramping boots and jandals. A kindly lad from Liverpool took pity on me before leaving, however, and let me borrow some comfy jeans. Such a sport.

“ The air smelled of boozy sweat, Lynx Excit e, swelling ovar ies and desperation. I headed f or t he bar t o prepare myself.” Once inside, I remembered in an instant why I had chosen a club-free life. A DJ bobbed by the back wall, an expression of extreme concentration on his face as he pretended to actually do anything. Young partiers throbbed to a tempo duller than a drunken 40-year-old’s attempt to please his missus. The air smelled of boozy sweat, Lynx Excite, swelling ovaries and desperation. I headed for the bar to prepare myself.

Completely resigned to the fact I would be spending my night a lone wolf in a tumultuous sea of semis, I got my pakeha twostep on, plastered a despairing smile on my face, and settled in for the long haul. At times over the next few hours, I looked up to survey the room. Perhaps it was my own feelings skewing my perception, but I could have sworn I saw many faces out there looking just as lost as me. Young lads dancing seemingly on their own, their dead eyes betraying fake smiles as they spent yet another night without a hook up, with nought but fellow dicks for company. Tragically trashed girls stumbling their way around the room into the comforting arms of predatory ‘do-gooders’. And the classic DJ, checking his Instagram while his MacBook earned him money. It wasn’t the worst night of my life, I must admit. I don’t quite have the credentials to join the fun police, and I truly tried to make the best of it. If you’re prepared to laugh at yourself, stay positive, and watch the craziness unfold before you, it can be a bit of a laugh. But upon re-evaluation, a few years since my last attempt, I’ve come – yet again – to the conclusion that nightclubs definitely aren’t for me. Perhaps my sneans and I will give fatherhood a try…

Celine Cousteau of Contiki Contiki Sustainability Partner, Celine Cousteau, has recently joined TreadRight as global ambassador and for Earth Month talks to us about travel, the environment and her love of the ocean. Interview conducted by University Students of New Zealand

What sparked your love for the environment, the oceans and travel?

What is one tip you would give people who want to travel more sustainably?

All three of these have been in my life since I was born- my family has been travelling for exploration and storytelling since the 1950s and most of the subjects have been about discovering and sharing the environment, more specifically the oceans. In both a personal and professional way in essence, these elements continue to be part of me. It is evident that we are interconnected with the environmental and travelling is one way to explore that relationship.

It’s hard to give just one, but I would start with a perception shift - changing the way we see where we travel from just being destinations, to being opportunities for creating positive change.

What has been your favourite project to work on with Contiki? Working in Mexico with the MAR Program has been truly inspiring. This program is about creating a domino effect of change by empowering the change agents with all the skills they need to be most effective at protecting the area they study and defend. Training those who are on the ground to better understand how an entire system works and how to make it work for you in protecting the MesoAmerican reef means creating a powerful contingency of defenders. These skills range from presentation skills to grant writing to public speaking; all key components to a successful environmental protection project. How do you think travelling is beneficial to humans and the environment? Being able to experience other places, people, cultures, and ecosystems brings us closer to understanding how we are connected to those places. Once we cross paths with someone else, even if for the smallest moment, our lives have become connected to them. I truly feel that travelling creates a greater sense of global community…as long as we look up from our phones!

Why did you decide to accept the post as the TreadRight Ambassador? Because I am a filmmaker and advocate for many causes, becoming the Ambassador for TreadRight - and therefore the public voice or storyteller for these efforts - was the natural next step in our collaboration. Beyond that, I know the tourism industry has an incredible opportunity to lead the way in areas of sustainability and reciprocity because of the access we have to places and people, as well as the ability to influence the experiences of travellers. I wanted to be part of that. Have you seen TreadRight at work in the field? Prior to my role as the TreadRight Ambassador, I worked closely with Contiki as their sustainability partner. In that role I was lucky enough to experience and film several TreadRight projects, first the Mesoamerican Reef Leadership program in Mexico, WildAid’s project called Sharks Count in The Galapagos and most recently the Sea Turtle Conservancy rescue and rehabilitation centre in Tortuguero, Costa Rica. I’m excited to visit the artisans involved with TreadRight’s Heritage Initiative in 2015.

It’s the Youthline Annual Street Appeal May 22 and 23. Keep an eye out for our collectors around Auckland - a $1.50 donation will keep our free Youth Helpline running for 1 minute! For more information about volunteering for Youthline, head to youthline.co.nz.

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A HARD PILL by Nigel Mckenzie-Ryan Women do not like me. I’ve accepted this. I’m a short sighted, anxious, meaty breasted beta male with a shitty beard. I don’t go on many dates, but when I do, they’re with girls I met on Tinder and the conversation is boring and filled with 11 second periods of silence. I accept my failures at romance are mostly my fault, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the occasional sexist thought. When I was 17, I attempted to fix my skux-deficit. I bought a copy of The Game by Neil Strauss, also known as the Beta Male bible. It is a semi-autobiographical quasi-memoir which tells the tale of a weedy Rolling Stone contributor who researches and eventually becomes immersed in the Pick-up artist (or PUA) community in Los Angeles. He is mentored by Pick-up forefather, ‘Mystery’ - a tall magician who dresses like the offspring of a regular at Ding Dong Lounge, and a Steampunk cosplayer. The book gives the reader top tips and ‘routines’ to help attract drunken women in bars. One of these techniques in ‘peacocking,’ or as I like to call it ‘wearing tacky shit to get women to talk to you,’ because that’s exactly what it is. Pick up artistry is something of a social MMA, combining evolutionary psychology and parlour tricks like magic, cold reading and hypnotism to attract women... and it works… well, sometimes… maybe. I never built up the courage to try any of the strategies presented, but I found one principle was true: Ignoring crazy women makes them more into you. I have the scars to prove it, but that’s another story. Fast forward a few years to last week. Still a nerd lord, but recovering. I found a word I never heard of before: ‘Redpilled’. It is a verb referring to someone who embraces the Philosophy of ‘r/TheRedPill. I figured it was some hilariously crazy conspiracy philosophy that may or may not involve Jewish lizard men. What I found wasn’t too far off. The Red Pill fashions itself as a sort of ‘men’s revival movement.’ The introductory post claims that feminism dominates Western culture and as such, men have lost their identity. It claims that women’s issues have become a sacred cow that men cannot criticise without risking McCarthyite accusations of sexism.

Feminism is described as a ‘sexual strategy’ that rightfully seeks to maximise the happiness of women by helping them select the best mates, secure the best DNA possible, and maximise their resources. Red Pill styles itself as a male alternative to feminism that will ‘equalise’ the sexual marketplace without relying on cheap PUA tricks, or focusing on getting laid. Men who swallow the Red Pill will become the best men that they can be. I could kind of see where they were coming from. The angle of ‘equalising the sexual marketplace’ was interesting too. I liked the idea that it encouraged men to become better versions of themselves, not for the sake of sex, but for themselves. I decide to do further reading. I scrolled through the posts. First one was on false rape accusers. Alllllright… Not sure what that has to do with self-improvement but I guess it’s an important, albeit extremely rare, issue. Won’t read that. Next one was simply entitled ‘Women don’t know what they want’. Uhh…okay…a lot of stuff about women on this male focused forum… moving on… Next one was a PUA jargon filled story about how the author recovered from a breakup and started prowling again. Hmm. I guess seduction’s still an important skill, but where are all the posts about learning new skills or advancing your career, and other manly things? There weren’t any. Every post was either a PUA style ‘field report’, rants about feminism, life tips written in abrasive tones, or bullshit social theories based on dodgy evolutionary psychology. Oh my God. This is exactly the same as the PUA shit but with gender politics and bigotry mixed in. This is terrible! This is psychotic! This is hilarious. They’re the kind of guys who think Don Draper and Frank Underwood are admirable characters, and the most hilarious, or maybe scary thing about it is, there are over 110,000 of these edge masters. If you were to take the fedoras, cargo shorts, and Neon Genesis Evangelion t-shirts away from all the ‘Red Pillers’ in the world, you can clothe everyone in Tonga and then some. The content of the board screaaammmms insecurity.

TO SWALLOW EVERY post was about how terrible and manipulative and evil women are and how society is made up of their slaves. Before I joked that Red Pillers all wore fedoras. Sorry, I meant to say that their hats were made of tinfoil. These Neanderthals are just another symptom of our over-privileged little shit generation. “Oh man.” whimpered lil Jimmy, “Claudia didn’t like my flower, Jasmine thinks I’m creepy, and Vanessa won’t talk to me… STUPID BITCHES. CLEARLY THIS IS 100 PERCENT NOT MY FAULT. IT IS THE WORK OF A MASSIVE CONSPIRACY OF CULTURAL MARXISM THAT HOPES TO MAKE MEN EXTINCT.”

I figured it was some hilariously crazy conspiracy philosophy that may or may not involve Jewish lizard men. What I found wasn’t too far off. How can a Red Piller become the best man they can? They have to commit to a strength training regiment, learn how to pick up girls, pursue their passions, and overall, improve their personal confidence. So far so standard. But r/TheRedPill has one more secret ingredient: one heaping tablespoon of bigotry. Red Pillers considered everything about their doctrine to be absolute, unquestionable truth to an extent that would make the entire Southern Baptist movement blush. Feminism has turned women, all women, into spiteful, manipulative Neanderthals, and it is up to the mighty Red Pill army to ‘equalise’ them… by stopping their whinging and banging them.

I want to be the best man I can, and it’s hard. I want to be a powerful, successful man with sick abs who can overcome his own ingrained prejudices. We’re all in this together and I want to help everyone, but at the same time, I want to be strong enough to attack those who only wish harm. Colour me pretentious, but I think a lot of people believe a real man is something similar to my own interpretation. If r/TheRedPill wants to equalise the gender power like it claims to, and make the world a better place, then propagating mistrust in 50 percent of the entire world’s population probably isn’t the best way to do it. For a movement centred on ending the Matriarchy, swallowers of the The Red Pill spend a lot of time shaping themselves into something that women find attractive... but they’ll never admit that. A post entitled ‘Why So Serious – How to enjoy life in one easy step’ is so ironic, it verges on self-parody. In summary, the post basically says we’re living in the most peaceful society ever, and that we should let our hair down and let ourselves have fun. “Learning to live an enjoyable and satisfactory life is our highest calling.” The first paragraph reads, “What's more, the ability to enjoy our own company and to enjoy our experience of life is the essence of what makes us attractive to women.” Men’s improvement programs all revolve around one thing. Sex. They all make the fallacy that if you get laid a whole bunch, all the time, your life will be perfect. Yeah, getting laid will increase your confidence, but confidence alone won’t get you far in life. In addition to sex, an ‘ideal’ man has a great career that he’s passionate about, something that can help you leave a legacy. Say you’re a guy who is built like Zyzz on steroids (wait, never mind, that’s a tautology) who is brimming with confidence. You are really into science, but you don’t have a science degree or any experience, and have a shitty work ethic. You go up to Neil De-grasse Tyson and ask for a job. What’s gonna happen? He’s gonna tell you to go straight to hell because you’re dumb and lazy as hell. Red Pillers don’t want a better life for the sake of personal happiness, they want a better life so they can hate-fuck the women that rejected them. 15

For a movement centred on ending the Matriarchy, swallowers of the The Red Pill spend a lot of time shaping themselves into something that women find attractive... but they’ll never admit that.

r/TheRedPill is like the pimply kid in intermediate school that saw all the girls liked the edgy emo kid, so he starts treating all the girls like shit in hopes that they’ll notice him. All they care about is getting laid. That’s the end all be all. There’s no posts about how to acquire skills, or how to climb the career ladder, or how to turn a radiator into a pan flute. It’s all just FUCK WOMEN, (in both meanings of the word ‘fuck’). Swallowing the Red Pill is for single straight men only. If you’re married, or gay, or asexual, you’re screwed. You’re doomed to be tormented by blue haired radical feminists forever, apparently. Red Pillers portray feminists in the same way the Fox News portrays black rights protesters. They only focus on the batshit one percent of the group who are being assholes, and make it look like they’re all out to kill us. I can understand why r/TheRedPill began in the first place. Feminism has had something of a resurgence, but not necessarily for good reasons. I’ve seen my share of Tumblr posts demanding mass castrations, and I’m not a fan of Anita Sarkessian’s unsubstantiated calls for censorship, but these are extreme examples from a vocal minority with varying levels of insanity. r/TheRedPill sincerely believes that the radical feminism of Tumblr and the other, useful, free-Iranian-womenimprisoned-for-watching-volleyball-matches feminism are one in the same. They rag on and on about it with the idiot vigour of a conservative talkback host. I’m an optimist. I want to believe that r/TheRedPill’s founders were originally good-meaning people who were hijacked by fedora’d extremists. They had some pretty good points. Criticism of feminism is usually responded with ad hominem accusations of sexism in the same way that a 16 year old girl overuses the phrase ‘Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.’

It seemed like a return to form for men, a renaissance would turn us into the kinds of men our grandfathers were (bar the sexism, racism and occasional religious fundamentalist bigotry). The male gender does have problems in society. We get completely, utterly destroyed in divorce courts, we are much more likely to commit suicide, we sometimes get sent overseas to get shot, and in extremely, EXTREMELY rare instances, psychotic women falsely accuse us of rape and ruin our lives completely in one fell swoop. But that’s pretty much it. I’m not going to lie. Being a dude is sick. It’s GREAT. Ten out of ten would recommend. I can walk down dark alleys with only mild apprehension, I’m more likely to get hired for a job, being promiscuous actually improves my reputation, I don’t get sexually harassed by troglodytes in building sites, and I won’t be judged if I’m a little overweight. Our privileges drastically outweigh our problems, but we don’t even know it. We take them all for granted, or refuse to acknowledge them. I’m trying to be a better man. I’m half fluent in French, I’m starting a few podcasts, I’m writing regularly, I’m studying the art of charisma and charm, and just this morning, I finally beat my personal squat record with sick form. Takin’ a trip on the train of mad gains, son! Yeah, a part of the reason I’m doing it is for the babezzzz, but I’m not trying to get petty revenge on the girls who didn’t pay attention to me. Quality women are the icing on the cake of a good life. They come last, after you’ve got your shit together, and cooked it in the searing heat of perseverance and dedication. Call me a beta male, but I see women as people. Not a reward.

T H E P I E- F E C T Q & A Last week, the AUSM free feeds featured a wonderful treat for the students! New Zealand business, Dad’s Pies took over the cooking, and we couldn’t resist having a little chat with the man who runs the family business, Eddie Grooten.

How did Dad’s Pies come about?

My wife Erika Grooten and I bought a very rundown shop on the beach in Red Beach. We were the fourth owners in two years! The name Dad's Pies was there, but there was nothing else - no logo or marketing plan, and the pies were very average. That is where the change began with using real meat and natural ingredients. Friends came up with a logo and the real Dad's Pies was born in 1981.

What is it that makes Dad’s Pies unique and special?

Our passion and desire to produce a pie that is good for you, and create a desirable place to work. The ingredients are high quality, and we have never changed this regardless of price and market pressure. We have a constant drive to be innovative with new flavours and ideas, which is what made our Butter Chicken pie famous. This has been our flagship pie for many years, and is sold through the BP2Go and Wild Bean cafes nationwide. We have also recently invented the Junior pie. It's the pie-fect snack or an ideal choice for children. Dad's Pies is the only pie company in New Zealand which complies for export to many countries around the world. The stringent food safety regulations vary with each country, and Dad's Pies are available in Japan, Dubai, and on Air New Zealand, Virgin Australia, and United Arab Emirates flights.

What is the best part about owning a pie business?

There is no one else to blame if things don't work out, but you are completely in control of the direction you take. The other really cool thing is that everybody remembers the pie man. New Zealanders are real connoisseurs when it comes to pies, and people feel a connection when they meet the people who make them.

How do you go about perfecting a new recipe?

We work with a number of different chefs who work to develop up to 10 different variants of a new flavour we like before we find the perfect one to take to market. Our new product development team also meet every week to sample new flavours and add value. Once we are happy, we will cook a commercial batch which is around 1000kg and from here there is a lot of tweaking as a larger batch always taste different than a small pot.

Any advice for students wanting to start up a business of their own? The best advice is to really think about what you want to achieve, and are you clear about your goals? Save money before you start, the more independent from any loans the better off you are. Interest payments have killed many start-ups, so work to save and be frugal. Equally important is that you should always ask for advice from people you look up to, even if you don't know them, most entrepreneurs are happy to help if you have the right intention and a good business plan.

FOUR FOR FOUR

The International Comedy Festival never fails to disappoint, and this year was no different. Packed with a range of our Kiwi comic treasures, and a fresh bunch of International talent, the festival was filled with nights of hysterical jokes, quick-witted punch lines, and a few controversial calls. Fiona Connor spoke with some of this year’s festival standouts hoping to get to know them just a little better.

If you were to read her comedy routine before you heard her talk, you would probably think Urzila Carlson is a full blooded Kiwi. She isn’t. Though these days she is a citizen of our precious meadowland, and it is with pride that she calls this country home. Hailing from Beroni, on the East Rand of Johannesburg, Urzila is the self-titled ‘Lesbitarian’ who’s show deserved the bellows of laughter it received as she explored the role of men in our society and answered the ultimate “Who’s your Daddy?’ conundrum, all the while adjusting to parenthood in her personal life. In a highly male orientated industry, do you feel there is any added pressure performing as a female comedian? No, no more, I’m guessing, than the male comics would feel. It’s a tough industry and I don’t think it’s a gender game, I think it all comes down to, are people having a good time? Yes! Then job done. When have you felt most accomplished through stand up? I got to perform at the Sydney Opera House a couple of times, but the first time I walked in and stood on that stage, I felt like, this is it, I’ve performed at one of the most iconic places in the world! I’m accomplished! (I actually felt very lucky, but I guess accomplished can feel the same). Who would be sitting in your ideal front row? Oprah Winfrey, Wanda Sykes, Chelsea Handler, my mum, John Key, and Pippy Longstocking. You say Wanda Sykes is someone who you draw inspiration from, did she give you any advice when you met her/did the experience teach you anything? She, sadly, did not give me any advice, but I did take some advice away from meeting her. She was quite drunk and rude, so I made the decision right there and then to A) Never be drunk and rude in public, and B) Try my level best not to meet my heroes again. I am putting it all down to too much drink, and I’m sure if we meet again she’ll be amazing!

Cripple Creek’s finest, Wilson Dixon, is back in New Zealand this year, with his divorce to ex-wife, Maureen, now just a figment of his past, and a new love set in his sights. The country singer has always been a fan favourite with the people of Aotearoa, and when I asked Wilson his four questions, his quick-witted humor and small town country quirks immediately stood out as why he was a must see for 2015’s Festival. If you weren’t a country star, what would you be doing? Probably working as a rodeo clown. There’s a long history of rodeo clowning in my family. For those who are uninitiated as to what a rodeo clown does, they distract the bulls or the horses once they’ve dislodged their rider so that the rider doesn’t get stomped or kicked. Why it’s ok for the clown to get stomped and kicked is beyond me. The clown waves bits of fabric and objects in front of the animal to distract them. You don’t use traditional clowning methods like balloon animals or magic tricks. Bulls hate nothing more than being squirted in the face by a flower attached to your lapel. What’s the best piece of life advice you’ve ever been told? My daddy once told me, “You can lead a horse to water – but you can’t marry your cousin.” It’s pretty good advice about both equine welfare and the dangers of inbreeding. So a couple of birds killed there by that stone of advice (not that I endorse the killing of birds willy-nilly). Only kill them if you need to eat or you want their feathers for a cloak or headdress. In what ways does your hometown, Cripple Creek, differ to Auckland? The name, for a start. Secondly, Cripple Creek doesn’t have a thing called the Auckland Public Library, or anything called the Auckland City Council. Cripple Creek has two main bridges as well, I think there’s only the one here in Auckland. Other than that, they’re pretty similar. Where do you draw inspiration for your music? On paper, usually. I draw all of my songs with oil paints or crayons once I’ve written them. If I don’t like the picture they create, I usually don’t continue with the song. I usually keep the pictures though.

Heath Franklin is an award winning comedian across the world, particularly in Australia and New Zealand, but you wouldn’t be blamed for not being familiar with his name. Heath, who is better known as his onstage persona, ‘Chopper Read’, is notorious for captivating audiences on both sides of the Tasman throughout the year with his comedic rants and reckless use of profanities. Award winning Heath was back on stage this year with ‘The Line Up’, hosting some of comedy’s biggest names in a special event that was a night to remember. Do you have any enemies? Not that I know of. There could be someone out there with a voodoo doll of me, but they haven’t used it much. Unless that explains the sore shoulder I woke up with the other day. For the most part I just like things to be easy, and enemies are just hard work. And who needs that shit? What do you think about the New Zealand people? They are great. That’s why I keep coming back. Also New Zealand is close, but mostly because you guys just have a good attitude. I think Australia prides itself on being laid back, but we’ve become a bunch of uptight angry douche bags recently. What grinds your gears? Everything on any given day. I can find a way to justify hating anything. I’m doing a lot of driving around Sydney at the moment, so I pretty much hate anyone who doesn’t drive exactly like I want them to. Actually if I have made enemies, it would be on the roads of Sydney. What do you do when you are not on stage? Not being on stage accounts for most of my life. I guess I’m either spending time with my family or hanging out in a hotel room wondering if I know anyone wherever I am. There’s also sleeping and eating obviously. But if given the choice, I would be talking shit with some friends or sleeping.

Jarred Fell. He’s naturally hilarious, sharp-witted, and maybe a little sassy, but we wouldn’t want him any other way. He combines the use of magic with a repertoire of sidesplitting anecdotes, and never fails to leave the audience wanting more. Over the past couple of years it seems an influx of television “magicians” have tried to fool us into believing their skillset expands past that of the TV programme’s editing suite, but this year Jarred took to the stage to educate his audience on the differences between what’s possible and not. How did you deciding to combine comedy and magic come about? When I was 17 I went to Classic and was inspired to give it a shot. I had watched a lot of Tommy Cooper, a British magician comic, and I really liked what he did. Tommy developed the delivery of failed magic tricks, but noticed how the audience reacted when he did it wrong and I was drawn to it. Is there a row to avoid when coming to your show, or do you randomly select your audience participants? No one is safe. Don’t think your safe in the back row. Back row: we’re coming for you. Everyone is a potential target. Have you ever messed up a trick? Yeah, I was performing a show for the NZ Police, and I do a trick called Russian roulette. I put a nail right through my hand, but carried on. They just thought it was all part of the gag, but the reality was I had blood pissing out of my hand. What encourages you to grow as a performer? Money. Naaaa, the opportunity to travel around the world as a performer. I would like to go overseas and perform the show to different audiences. To be recognized across the world would be an achievement for sure.

A LIL BIT LONELY

by Dorris Plum It can feel as though the whole weight of everyone who isn’t your friend has been collectively made into an ironic group of friends. That force you to bear their weight that you carry around on your weary, yet persevering shoulders. And not by choice; not like being there for a friend in the non-metaphorical world. I’m talking about loneliness. We’ve all, at one time or another, experienced our own little world of being lonely. It can come in waves, some are easy to float over and others you are only able to just catch a breath before you go under. Sometimes loneliness comes as the whole tide, and you succumb to watching the world above the surface like a movie. I never thought uni would be this quiet in the friend realm, maybe too many movies held my expectations to unrealistic standards. I thought there would be more diversity, more opportunities. And maybe there are and I’ve just been too tired, or not been self-aware enough to grab the possibilities by the balls (in all ways metaphorically, as this has been deemed an inappropriate way to acquire friends in most situations). The only dates in my calendar are the ones marked ‘due’ for some painstaking assignment that makes me want to act like a two year old; cry a little bit into my illegible notes, and maybe even lie on the floor and throw my arms around a bit, you know, just for good measure. Because even though it was underlined, it was most likely forgotten about ‘till the day before.’ But instead of regressing to toddler forms of processing unwanted stress, you get on with it. At which stage you'll be glad you don’t have any friends to distract you from that 3000 word essay. There are silver linings, however small they may be. Although if I had more friends at uni, we could help each other.

A problem shared is a problem halved right? I suspect Turnitin would have something to say about that, but that counts as someone to talk to….Okay so things aren’t that dire yet. I like to believe I have some friends. Who aren't paid for. I’m sure no student can work friends into their student allowance budget, no matter the extent of loneliness. It can be hard to brush that little chip of lonely off your shoulder, and sometimes I can even feel like I’ve forgotten how to make new friends. You’re tired, and sometimes stressed, and people aren’t going to be attracted to that. It can be tough, not being able to talk shit and generally enjoy procrastinating with other fellow students. Could sound a touch #firstworldproblem - like, but the pit of loneliness can grow overwhelming large amounts of self-pity and sadness . Nobody really wants to talk about it. And it can feel like you can’t even bring yourself to want to make friends. All you can really do is keep keepin’ on. One sunny day (hopefully no lingering due assignments, so no guilt for procrastinating) you’ll remember. You’ll remember that being a lonely lone wolf is actually alright for now. As we've all heard from one wise shaman or another in our lives, we can always count on ourselves. And if you can’t… well, you’re fucked. But one day you will realise, you are your best companion. You can do cool things all by yourself, like the grownup you are. It’s okay because on that fairy tale day, you’ll see you've had the opportunity to do some pretty damn cool things. Get better at procrastinating - go on an adventure, even if it’s just trying a new flavour of sorbet, or heck, try making your own. Climb a hill and watch the sunset (sunrises are waaay too early, but also quite cool). And become more you. There’ll be another sunny day when you’ll be brave enough to Rapunzel your way down out of your tower of loneliness, or maybe someone will climb over lonely wall. Whatever you've built, they’ll be able to see that you’re full and beautiful and personify all the sorbet flavours in the world.

U DA R E A L M V P We’ve had a lot of competitions held in Debate so far this year. Some have been straight-forward, other’s a little out there. We wanted to take a moment to honour the peeps who got on board, gave our nutty requirements a whirl, won some awesome prizes, and ultimately earned themselves the title of “Da Real MVP.”

illustration by Olive

Chocolate is my life If I could, I'd make it my wife After seeing this competition on debate I entered hoping I'm not too late Milk, dark, chilli and earl grey Those flavours are the ultimate Bae If I don't win I'll become melancholic Because I am your biggest chocoholic.

OUR BAD. We’re super sorry, George Fenwick, that we didn’t credit you for your Dantes review in Issue 7. Please Dante be mad. Xo We’re also super sorry for the Issue 8 review mix-up, Anthony Horowitz. Tina Fey didn’t write Moriarty, you did. And no matter what we accidentally publish, she can never take that away from you.

Natsuki

THE BACHELOR: A STEP BACKWARDS

by Julie Cleaver With all the smart and sassy feminist writers who adorn the pages of Debate each week, I’m surprised no one has tackled The Bachelor yet. No drama-as old Johnny boy would say-I’m on the case. Now that the show is over, I think it’s a perfect time to look back and reflect on what many New Zealanders spent hours of their lives endorsing. First of all, I realise that The Bachelor is just a bit of light hearted entertainment that a lot of people enjoy watching. I myself have even sat down for a cheeky episode, purely out of curiosity, of course... I’ll admit, it was amusing, in a mind numbing kind of way. However, in saying that, I also found the show pretty offensive. To me, the whole thing is a mockery of women, and a step backwards for the feminist movement. One of the main issues I have with the show is how the women bring each other down. This is a massive part of the show’s appeal. People love to see the girls bitch about each other, particularly when it’s related to the infamous “she walked in on my date” scenario. These catty felines may be entertaining to watch, but they are representing a huge problem in society, which is women hating on other women. My brother has a saying that “all girls hate each other” and unfortunately, he is able to use this phrase in the right context way too often. I have personally noticed that heaps of women judge, and regularly bring down other females. They not only do this to people they know well, but also to complete strangers on the street. They critique their appearances, use of products, absolutely everything they say or do on Facebook, how skanky their clothes are and how flirtatious they act around men, just to name a few. However, the problem with The Bachelor is not just watching women hate each other; it’s also all the gossip that the show perpetuates. I always hear girls saying, “omg she farted, I would never do that on a date!” or “she’s way to muscly for a girl!” or “what a bitch! She’s not even that pretty, look at her teeth!”

First of all, poor women! They just want to make a bit of cash-*ahem I mean find the love of their life-and they’re getting shit for literally every single thing they do/say/look/feel and so on. Besides the fact that saying mean things is just plain old school yard bullying, this sort of gossip is also perpetuating a culture of women hating on other women and I believe that is extremely negative. The next issue I am going to raise is pretty obvious, but it’s gotta be said. The women in The Bachelor are all absolutely desperate to gain the approval and attention of a man. Instead of being secure single ladiez, they appear to be lost and heart broken without some special notice from dear Arty. Needless to say, this is bad because women should feel comfortable with who they are, regardless of what some dude with abs thinks. Speaking about abs, Arthur clearly has a well-sculpted physique, but his banter is absolutely terrible. I’m not sure if it’s just because he’s nervous on camera but seriously, he’s got the absolute worst chat I have ever heard. This leads me to believe that he is not wooing the ladies with his dazzling personality and charm; but instead he’s winning them over with his rock solid, cheese-grating torso. This is spreading the belief that women are shallow and only dig guys with rippling bods, which is completely not true for any decent gal with a soul. Who knows, maybe he’s a hell of a dude off camera. Kiwi’s are notoriously awkward on cameras, but I’m just calling it how I see it. On top of all that, the whole concept of the show is just whack. I heard on the radio that the winner sat down and tried watching the show with her boo, Arty and found it weird. Umm, no shit? I don’t know anyone who would want to watch their partner kiss, wine and dine, and fall in love with multiple people whilst also doing the same with you. The whole programme is emotionally abusive for everyone involved, not to mention the poor led girl who came in second place! Imagine having your dream spouse in your reach only to have them choose someone else over you? Not only that, but she just got humiliated and turned down on national television, which is just cruel. I could honestly ramble about everything that is wrong with that show forever. I haven’t even touched on all the product placement or superficial ways that ‘true love’ is portrayed, but I think you all get my drift by now. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to stop you from watching The Bachelor. If you derive genuine pleasure from the show, who am I to tell you to stop watching it? My intentions for this article were simply to highlight some of the issues that I see with the programme so that you can be critical of it. But before I end this article, I will leave you with my final rose of advice. Never forget that consumers hold ALL the power. Without our eyes, producers cannot sell advertising slots and then they literally have no programme. So if you want to see some quality New Zealand TV that uplifts women, well, you know what to do. 23

IN TODAY'S NEWS:

"I think once you look past the constant chemical smell mixed with urine, and the blood pouring out of the walls, it's a real first family home" by Kieran Bennett

Bill English Unsure Why Aucklanders’ Expectations Aren't Lower: House prices were, once again, the subject of debate and argument, Finance Minister, Bill English, has come forward to say that he is surprised that Aucklanders’ expectations, when it comes to the property market, aren't lower than what they are. After being pressed as to what the government would be doing about the property bubble in Auckland, English suggested that Aucklanders should "maybe just expect less". For several years now, housing and rental prices in Auckland have risen steadily as the city becomes a more desirable location to live, and property a more scarce resource. Many experts, flying in the face of how inflation and recession work, have said the increase will continue indefinitely. Many landlords have, in fact, been admitted to A&E with chaffed nipples after rubbing them for too long. Despite a small portion of property seekers being able to enter the market, many people, the young especially, are facing being locked out of the market. English, however, is now proposing that those unable to enter the market should simply expect less. He has said there is nothing wrong with a "pretty solid box, like the one my 4K TV came in" and that the biggest barrier to house buying is "being a bit uppity. Or poor…fucks up with that?"

House Sells For Record Price: An Epsom couple are in high spirits after being informed that not only had their property sold, but they had in fact received a record high price for it. The couple are now the proud owners of a small toddler, at least 46 percent more than the estimated market value. The property, a former meth lab, is located at the end of a dead-end street, and is built on top of a Māori burial site. Despite this, the couple said they were confident they would sell. "I think once you look past the constant chemical smell mixed with urine, and the blood pouring out of the walls, it's a real first family home" was how one half of the couple described it while admiring their newly acquired toddler. Many property valuers, however, are worried, with some fearing it will set a precedent. Auckland valuer, Matthew Brunswick, told our reporter that the exchange of toddlers for houses would cut seriously into the market of organs for houses. "While we may be past the time where we exchanged money for houses, we can’t simply move on and forget the past". The parents of the toddler, and new home owners, are reportedly "really looking forward to" the backyard space "as soon as we clear out the colony of feral cats armed with machetes".

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IT’S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, MONEY

(BUT IT KIND OF IS) by Amelia Petrovich

I feel like University students are fantastic creatures because we’re so easy to predict. If one observes under-nourished, bleary-eyed young people hunched over their Macbooks for long enough, certain patterns become evident. We all tend to have pretty bad posture primarily, but none of us really have the time to care all that much. We’re sometimes grouchy but more often laughing through the pain, and just about all of us are agreed on what is and what isn’t worth spending our scarce funds on. A few people I know put their money towards travel or concert tickets for example, and most people I know have food high up on their list of financial priorities. Just about everyone, however, is ready to spend up large on alcohol when Friday night rolls around. Is it fun? Hell yes it’s fun. Is it responsible? Possibly less so. But in a way, none of that matters. It’s a scientific fact (probably) that uni students are happy to spend a lot of money on alcohol. Now, I’ve known that broke students spend money in questionable ways for a while, from time to time (some would say ‘time and time again’ even) I have also partaken in silly, expensive alcohol. But what I didn’t realize is that there are people out there who are even more ridiculous with money and booze than we are, and they’re not exactly living below the poverty line. So sit back, friend, and let me tell you a tale to ease your own financial guilt. As well as being an insanely wise and breathtakingly wonderful Debate contributor, I also work a few shifts at a very posh and fancy restaurant-type place. It’s less the kind of place you’d take someone for a date and more the kind of place you’d hire for the wedding of your eldest daughter when she marries Prince Harry. I’m talking some next-level, Great Gatsby type shit here. So these two young professionals kind of saunter into the bar, swishing their coat tails as they go and laughing about something, probably Green party policy. They spend a while looking at what’s on offer until they finally decide what highclass booze they’re hitting up tonight for pre-drinks. No Park Lanes or DB here though, apparently the best option is a 400 dollar bottle of wine. Yeah, that’s right, 400 dollar wine exists and that is what they chose for casual, after work drinks. I hope it tasted like liquid gold and fairies. The price alone was mildly shocking, and the bar man blinked a few times at these guys before realizing they were serious, scuttling off to pour two glasses with more care than he had ever taken in, possibly, his entire life. The price, though, didn’t end up being the most outrageous part of the story.

You’d think that if you spent four-hundy large on wine, you would drink that stuff down like there was no tomorrow, right? No sense wasting an investment. But apparently these two found the whole thing so mundane; they wound up drinking a mere two glasses and then sauntered off into the night. Now, on an immediate level, I have no qualms with this. I mean, several of the boys at the bar were more than happy to make sure none of the purchase went to waste (in the land of hospitality, every man is an opportunist). But in a wider sense, this kind of wealth really baffles me. I always thought that “wealthy” meant that you had enough money to afford nice things; perhaps what it actually means is having enough money to waste nice things.

YOU’D THINK THAT IF YOU SPENT FOUR-HUNDY LARGE ON WINE, YOU WOULD DRINK THAT STUFF DOWN LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW, RIGHT? When you consider people leaving a 400 dollar bottle of wine behind, life starts to look a little like The Hunger Games, except we’re kind of in the Capitol and District 12 at the same time. In the bar there are people in suits throwing money around to amuse themselves, and people who would take a month to be able to afford what they did are waiting on them. Who knows, those men probably walked down Queen Street on their way to wherever, and passed a bunch of homeless young people sitting on cardboard. When you have to downgrade to two dollar oats over your favourite cereal at the supermarket, being rich often feels like a damn good idea. But what I’ve actually decided is that extreme wealth could possibly be no fun at all. I mean, those guys may not have been fazed by it, but they did still end up with less wine. When you don’t value money, you miss out on a lot too. Power to broke students I reckon! We make the most of every opportunity that comes our way and know how to fully appreciate money when, and if, we have it. So next time your card declines purchasing chewing gum, or you end up on the phone begging 15 dollars off your parents to pay the power bill, just remember that those rich people- the Beyonces and Jay-Zs of this world- they are the ones who are missing out… …and if you succeed in doing this, please tell me how.

T U R N I N G O F F T H E S W I TC H Australia is seeking to cut off power, water, and basic health needs of Aboriginals in order to force them off of their own land

by Nicole Hunt

Australia is pretty racist. Don’t mind me, I’m still adjusting to my new role as the racism police. Don’t mistake that as the ‘racist police’, those are in America. The Australian government is that racist elderly neighbor of ours whose bold statements you just brush off because you know their ideology is ingrained like a tattoo. If you don’t know already, the Australian government is planning to forcibly close up to 150 remote Aboriginal communities across the outback. Tony Abbott swears Australia just can’t afford the Aborigine “lifestyle choice” anymore. On the first day of May, I went along to a protest against these closures. It was organized by Māori Women’s Group, Te Wharepora Hou, and led by Marama Davidson of the Green Party. Miraculously, I arrived early so I began to people watch as the gathering grew. I spotted controversial indigenous rights activist, Tame Iti, who I’d previously met before. Our last encounter was at my grandfather’s tangi where he told me stories about how he’d been forced to pick up horse feces every time he spoke Māori in school. His demeanor was eccentric; it was like talking to Willy Wonka.

However, I digress, he is an extremely well read, intelligent man, and these stories were a huge insight into why he has devoted himself to supporting indigenous rights. There was a diverse lineup of speakers at the rally, including the leader of the Polynesian Panthers, a spokesperson from one of the Aboriginal communities facing closure, and a member of the band Six60. The rally followed with a hikoi from Britomart to Aotea Square, where an open public forum was held. The passion exuded from the speeches of ordinary people was intense. At its peak, according to my poor judgment skills, the protest amassed over 1000 people. As previously stated, the Australian government has declared that they can no longer support the basic needs of Aboriginals living the outback. It is apparently in the best interests of Aboriginals to integrate into urban communities and participate wholly in Australian society. You can argue that perhaps it is not the Australian governments responsibility to “pay the rent” for Aboriginals, but you must put into the perspective the dark history Australia has in regards to their treatment of their indigenous peoples.

Only a few decades ago, Aboriginal children were taken from their homes and forced to integrate into white families. The ‘Stolen Generation’ occurred between 1890 and 1980, which is fairly recent. Today, many are still searching for their families. These savage acts were done with the purpose of breaking the Aboriginal circle of life. By taking away the younger generation of Aboriginals, Australia hoped to kill the totality of their culture and breed out Aboriginal genes. If we compare the acts of yesterday with today, there is an obvious similarity between the effects of these actions. The conditions Aboriginals are living in today are the direct result of oppression by a colonial force. They had their land stolen and culture violently attacked, and yet some people still blame them for their current situation. It’s like digging up a flower, picking all its petals and then wondering why it doesn’t grow. The Aboriginal “lifestyle” is based on an intense connection between land and people. The Aboriginal belief system places humans on the same level as nature, and they are also of the belief that some ancestors metamorphosed into nature where they remain spiritually alive. In Māori, ‘whenua’ means both land and placenta. This is the simplest way to reflect the tie between land and people from an indigenous perspective. This may sound like spiritual nonsense, but it’s important to remember that everyone has their own truth. What makes sense to you may not make sense to others. It is all based on our own experiences and belief systems, and we should respect that.

These closures are part of an ongoing, systematic genocide of a group of people. I am aware of the heavy implications a word such as ‘genocide’ has. However, according to the Convention on the Prevention of Genocide, which Australia agreed to in 1949, genocide includes “deliberately inflicting on one group, conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part.” Australia is seeking to literally turn off the switch to these communities; cutting off power, water, and support for basic health needs in order to remove them from their own land. The United Nations acknowledges the authority of indigenous people to the land of Australia, however the Australian government is simply choosing to ignore the inhumanity of their own acts. What can we do? One way of helping out is by simply keeping the conversation going. Talk to your friends, workmates, and the stranger that insists on talking to you even when you clearly have you headphones in. Go to meetings and protests, take photos, share them, and repost articles about the issue. The movement is using the hashtag #sosblakaustralia on social media. The lack of ‘c’ makes my eye twitch; however that is beside the point. Raising awareness in your circle helps a group who ultimately has no voice of their own within the media. Rallies will once again be held all over the world on June 1. Get amongst it. You can find information during the lead up to the Auckland event here: facebook.com/events/356179287913108/ 29

IN SHORT

TAMPON TAX By Amelia Petrovich

Just a forewarning here, this piece is going to mention tampons. It seems like not everyone is all that comfortable with chatting about them, even though they’re an inevitable part of life for an exorbitant amount of the population. Not only do we not like chatting about them, apparently some politicians in the Western World don’t like subsidizing them in any way either (because, you know, maybe people should just choose not to have periods… oh, wait.) Sydney University student, Subeta Vimalarajah, is also annoyed about this, launching a petition last week calling for an end to the 10 percent GST tax for tampons which gained 10,000 signatures within two days. As I write this, there are now over 35,000 signatures from cool-ass people who realize that if you menstruate, it’s not actually your fault. Vimalarajah was quoted in The Daily Mail saying that she is “overwhelmed and amazed” at the response to the petition, but I’m wondering if this isn’t just a whole lot of people finally seeing sense. Its not fair to have to fork out loads of money every month if you want to keep your sheets tidy, its not fair to pay extra for something that so many people have no choice but to make use of. Like, cut us a break please guys? Do something useful with your tax, like pop more of it on cigarettes or banana Fruit Bursts, god knows we don’t need to be selling any more of those.

HAPPY THOUGHTS by Laurien Barks

It’s come to my attention that my childhood, teenagehood, and adulthood star of my ‘happy thoughts’ is being put on a stage at the end of the month. Stage Two Productions is putting on Peter/Wendy at the Maidment Theatre, and I’m a little bit (a lot) excited about it. We all know the tale, Peter is the mischievous hero unwilling to grow up (and remembered as being the biggest heartthrob around if you were a 8-14 year old girl when the 2003 film version was released), Wendy is the girl awoken in the middle of the night ready to escape into a world of fantasy. Adventure, pirates, flying, pixies, and a whole slew of happy thoughts…if this isn’t your jam, you can get off at the first star to the right and just keep going forever, because you’re freaking nuts. Stage Two Productions is an awesome little community of students who put on theatre for students (but not exclusively, Grandma would lap up Peter/Wendy if you invited her along). With performances and productions that anyone can relate to, Stage Two is a great place to start if you’re new to theatre-viewing, and want to test the waters. It’s a fun night out with some serious talent, and this lyrical, atmospheric interpretation of the classic Peter Pan – playing homage to the darker themes and emotional essence within – will, no doubt, be a night well spent. Tickets are available through: www.maidement.auckland.ac.nz

IT'S A GIRL! By Rhianna Osborne

In the wise words of Lorde: “we’ll never be royals,” and perhaps that’s the reason why everyone is obsessing over the new royal baby. It’s every little girl’s dream to be a princess; from the movies we’re shown, down to the costumes we’re dressed in, if only the life of a true princess could be as glamourous as the one we imagine. From the moment of conception, poor Kate has been scrutinised like a bug under a microscope, as the whole world eagerly awaited the birth of her second child. At long last, on the 2nd of May, it was show time, and boy was it an occasion. I awoke to my Facebook feed flooded with stories of reporters all over the world gushing over the new baby. The articles that caught my eye, however, were the most absurd ones. For instance the Russians believe the birth to be fake, as Kate emerged looking “too good” just hours after going into labour. There was also a story surrounding what outfit the baby was wearing… I mean for crying out loud people, settle down! This baby is only a few days old and we’re already scrutinising her just like her mother? And, let’s be honest here, if Kate emerged looking anything less than perfect, I am almost certain that mass bewilderment would ensue. I understand that it is exciting to welcome a potential future monarch into the world, but what about the privacy of the Windsor family? Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana will have her entire life documented for the world to see, all because of a status she was born into. Nevertheless, it seems that the world can’t help but be infatuated with the royals, maybe because their lives are more glamourous than our own. Either way, I’m sure that what Kate had for breakfast, or what bonnet Charlotte wears will continue to make front page news.

CREATIVE WAYS TO GET A JOB by Nuzhat Jahan

Are you in your final years at university and freaking out how/if/when you will be able to get a job? Don’t fear, just read on. When I was at university, big corporate organisations advertised for internship programmes. They are wonderful because they provide you with really good training. However, out of the 100, 500, or 1000 graduates in your year, the positions are limited to 10- 20 people. Instead of just relying on those advertised roles, get creative and get the job you want. Based on my own experience, here are a few pointers: 1) Leverage off your networks- I can’t emphasise enough, the power of who you know. Now that doesn’t mean you need to know people high up in a hierarchy. For example, when I was a university student, I used to work for a big corporate organisation part time in a call centre. I asked my manager if they could speak to their legal team as I was looking for a law internship. Long story short, I was soon having coffee with their HR head, and they created a summer internship for me. Amazing huh? No one I knew had a legal summer internship in the biggest in-house legal team in New Zealand. The role didn’t exist. Because I worked at that company and my managers were supportive of it, they created a secondment for me. So go on, think of the people you work with or where you work, does that organisation have a department relevant to your degree? 2) Leave your mark and work hard- No one will want to help you just like a person won’t give you a good reference - unless you have proven to them you are a good worker. Yes, it is important who you know, but it won’t take you anywhere when you can’t offer what you have. Work hard to get good grades, and get a part time job anywhere to get a reference. 3) Lend a hand- Volunteer for a charitable organisation. There are so many out there, I did a recent volunteer with NZ Red Cross for their refugee services. Volunteers undergo an eight week course for free, which teaches you a lot. It is a good way to invest your time if you are looking for a job. At the same time, you get to network and create connections with so many wonderful people. Charitable organisations can also provide you a reference if you don’t have many, and you just might find out what your passion is! Remember the 3 ‘L’s and I am sure you will land that great job for yourself. For more useful and practical tips, follow us on Facebook:

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The Eternal Youth of Denim “Denim is one of the world’s oldest fabrics, yet it remains eternally young.” -American Fabrics Magazine 1969 by Shivan | Photographer: Cassi Namkung | Model: Tina Crooks | Stylist: Shivan Denim. A heavy, twill-woven cotton fabric that absorbs moisture, yet dries quickly and remains cool. Known as one of the most durable and versatile fabrics, denim is seen as a symbol of youth. Dating back to the 1860s, Levi Strauss originally created the denim pant for miners during the Gold Rush period. Levi began fabricating this heavy-weighted denim material into durable clothing for the miners, and dyed the pants an indigo colour. They were named “blue jeans”. Fast-forward to the 1950s when blue denim, especially jeans, mixed with the idea of rebellion, gave denim the status it holds now. Embraced by the rock and roll culture of the time, denim made you feel like you were taking a stand for something. In the 1960s, youth protesters wore blue jeans as a symbol of their connection, and to demonstrate their fight for the working class. During the counterculture period of the 1960s, “blue jean protestors” took a stand against social economic issues of anti-establishment, gender rights, equality and freedom. These “blue jean” protesters took to the streets to build themselves an American dream, and the denim jean became the fore fronting uniform of this movement. Today, denim still holds connotations of rebellion, however this rebellion is better explained as a fashion statement. The aesthetic of simplicity and confidence this fabric brings out is like no other. Designers like Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren and Alexander Wang have kept denim as a frontlining symbol of youth. Denim can be one of the most versatile fabrics, yet I find people are too afraid experimenting with it.

We recently conducted a photoshoot to show how I would style denim. For me, with denim you are either all in or all out, which is why I styled our model, Tina, with a Levis denim jacket and denim jeans from Just Jeans. However, to avoid a denim overload, we chose to break up the look by wearing a white Cotton On bra underneath the jacket. Trying to capture the powerful symbol that the blue denim holds, we styled her with minimal but strong makeup.

There are many different ways you can incorporate denim into your daily look:

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For the conservative ones, you could start of small with either denim jeans or a jacket. For the bold ones, try going full top to bottom with denim, but ensure you break up the denim look by either showing skin underneath, or by wearing something of different texture underneath the jacket. If you are going top to bottom with denim, try and keep the colours you will be wearing underneath the denim jacket either light and pastel, or very dark. This will help the vivid colour of the denim fabric stand out. Try experimenting with different colours, textures and style to either give you a polished, or rugged look. Denim is such a powerful fabric on its own, the less you do with it the more effective it is.

It begins with crossing off one by one, the people involved in bringing down and implicating her father, but Emily quickly begins to uncover the bigger conspiracy that set up this path of revenge. On top of that, there are the various love triangles and romance that fuels a soapy drama like this, as well as international conspiracies, assassins, deranged murderers, stereotypical Japanese ninja masters, overly vague mysterious organisations, and drama from the fact Emily swapped her name with someone – with most of these elements coming up in every episode. Have fun keeping up. The Who: The main character is Emily Throne (Emily Van Camp), formerly known as Amanda Clarke until her father David was arrested and blamed for a terrorist attack. She moves into her former house, armed with only her vaguely large bank account, highly trained ninja skills and Narnia-sized wardrobe as weapons. The only person that knows her secret is Nolan Ross, an anti-social, bisexual, super-wealthy technical genius with the ability to hack into anything powered by electricity as the plot demands.

W H Y YO U S H O U L D WATC H:

REVENGE by Ethan Sills

I’m going to get this out of the way: Revenge is just awful. Seriously, everything about this show is bad: the dialogue, the storylines, the backstory, the costumes, the abuse of hacking, everything is just bad. Of any show I watch, this is perhaps the most mind numbing, stupid, irritating, pointless hour of television I watch every week. But that’s what makes it so great. Not every show can be Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad; we need something stupid that takes itself far too seriously as a breather from the actually good shows out there. With its current fourth season recently revealed to be its last, about seventy episodes too late, now is as good a time as any for some serious bingeing so you can catch up before Revenge gets the red sharpie of doom forever. The What: Plot? What plot? I’m kidding, of course. There is a plot: it may be nonsensical and ridiculous, but within the context of this show, it counts as a plot. When wealthy socialite Emily Thorne moves into The Hamptons, New York, she instantly makes a name for herself as she works her way into the various social circles. However, no one knows she is really Amanda Clarke, daughter of a convicted terrorist blamed for downing an airplane. ‘Emily’ knows the real culprits are the megawealthy Graysons, her new-old next door neighbours, and she has returned to enact her revenge.

Her enemies are the Graysons, the powerful dynasty that runs the unimaginatively titled Grayson Global and the Hamptons social scene. She wants to ruin Conrad and Victoria, the married-buthate-each-other power couple who played the biggest part in bringing down David. Emily sets her sights on their son Daniel, hoping to destroy their family from the inside, but alas, not everything goes to plan… Also, Victoria’s constitution chair deserves its own shout out as perhaps the most symbolic piece of furniture this side of Westeros. Why You Should Watch: Everything I’ve said so far will make it seem like I hate this show, and in a way I do. The seasons are too long for the premise and they have dragged it out much longer than it needed to be. However, the first season starts off well and definitely had promise. That promise faded substantially over the next seasons, but by the end of season three, I was thoroughly enjoying the show again rather than watching it out of obligation, and the final season is the best yet for all the good and bad reasons. So sure, it may be terrible about 90% of the time. Sure, there are probably more conspiracies, murders, drug overdoses, faked deaths and explosions than most people in the Hamptons ever actually experience. But you don’t watch a show like this for the realism; you watch it because it’s stupid, batshit crazy, poorly constructed television that manages to make you roll your eyes while keeping you hooked enough to tune in every week and see what stupid/amazing thing happens next. Final Thoughts: When that final episode ends, no matter the outcome, part of me will miss Revenge. The other part will be glad I have an extra hour free every week, but I will miss my weekly trips to the permanently sunny Hamptons, where you never know just who’s going to be vengeful, crazy or murdered this week. If you’re missing some soapy trash in your life, then Revenge is the show for you. This is the sort of show you can sit down and watch every week, drink in hand (I’d recommend something strong, fancy or both), and wile away an hour knowing that, no matter what problems you have going on in your life right now, at least you don’t work on this show.

IT FOLLOWS

Directed by David Robert Mitchell Starring Maika Monroe, Keir Gilchrist, and Olivia Luccardi reviewed by Matthew Cattin Like an ode to nightmares of the mid-80s, It Follows is a stylish and refreshing expression of the ever-underwhelming horror genre. On paper, the plot sounds ridiculous; a sexually transmitted dark entity which closely follows whomever was last infected, killing them if it ever catches up. See? Ridiculous. But when you’re sitting alone in the dark theatre (yay friends), it sure doesn’t feel that way, such is the power of the film’s execution. The casting of young’uns is superb, with lead actress Maika Monroe stealing the show and paving the way for a bright future. The supporting actors, who play her friends and family, also do a stellar, quirky job. The absence of adults really adds to the film’s mood too, like Stand By Me meets The Ring. Props must also go to the soundtrack, which unashamedly leans upon the classic horror synth of the 80s to great affect. It gives the film a timeless feel, which for a cliché genre is truly something. Much of the film remains unexplained, and the ending is open to interpretation, but in honesty, it’s refreshing to watch a horror without a Scooby-Doo ending. If you enjoy your horror classy, with good old-fashioned scares and a killer soundtrack, this is one to watch.

VIET SANDWICH BÁNH MÌ 120 Quay Street, Britomart, Auckland reviewed by Lian Thay Viet Sandwich is a new lil’ trailer restaurant found on St Paul Street in front of the AUT Arts and Design building. They serve Bánh mì, a Vietnamese bread roll, with pork, chicken, beef, meatballs, or mackerel. An individual Bánh mì cost $8, and you get a nice, long freshly baked bread roll with generous meat and salad fillings. You can also grab a cup of Viet coffee, water, or soft drink with your Bánh mì as a combo, which will costs $10 all up. The staff are really friendly, though there can be a small queue around lunchtime. But it is worth the wait for a delicious meal. I highly recommend “The Classic” pork/chicken roll plus a Viet coffee for first timers. Though my favourite is the Meatball Bánh mì. 35

by Ali Thair

FROZEN BANANA NICE CREAM by Amelia Petrovich The name does this recipe no justice; it is so much more than just ‘nice’. I came across this concept when I finally accepted that immense amounts of ice cream is a necessity of human survival. The beauty of ‘nice cream’, though, is that at its most basic level, it’s pretty much only fruit! From there, you can take your nice cream creation any direction you fancy. I’ve included some of my favourite versions, but nice cream love is all about experimentation, so once you have the basics down, feel free to go nuts (maybe even literally, they add an awesome amount of texture).

The ‘I Am Pretending To Be Healthy’ Nice Cream:

The ‘I Am Still Pretending To Be Healthy But I Miss Chocolate Bars’ Nice Cream:

• Frozen bananas (aprox. 1 per person)

• frozen bananas (aprox. 1 per person)

• 1 tbsp milk per person (I use almond milk because that’s trendy nowadays) • cinnamon 1) Freeze one banana per person a few hours before your desired nice cream consumption time (as a general rule, four seems to work well). 2) Cut the frozen banana into smaller discs and chuck them in a blender/food processor/whatever food mashing device you own. 3) Add the milk. 4) Dump a bunch of cinnamon in it. 5) Blend until it looks like the soft-serve

• 1 tbsp milk per person (use any kind of fun milk you want, maybe chuck Lewis Road Creamery in there? It could be cool.) • 1 tsp desiccated coconut

The ‘I’m Not Even Pretending Anymore’ Nice Cream (or, ‘What To Make Hungry Men Who Think Fruit Is For Wusses’) • frozen bananas (aprox. 1 per person) • 1 tbsp milk per person • loads of cocoa • maybe 1 tsp peanut butter

• 1 tsp honey per person

• possibly some chopped up candy if you like

1) Freeze and cut the bananas as before

whatever you want in this ice cream

2) Also add the milk like before (this recipe really isn’t hard) 3) Chuck in all the rest of the yummy stuff (honey, cocoa, coconut) 4) Blend it up, possibly mixing with a spoon half way through because honey is annoying to soft serve-ify.

• my point is that you can literally throw • but also 1 cookie to crumble on top 1) Do all of the clever blending and chucking of stuff 2) Crumble cookie over the top of the completed nice cream blend 3) Probably make like a thousand more helpings

cones at McDonalds. That is literally all you do. 37

PUZ ZLE

by Alex Murphy

GROUPINGS OF ANIMALS

(a) Find the three-letter grouping that fits into each of these word trios. E.g.

JU _ _ _ B _ _ _ PS DEV _ _ _ Solution = “ICE” JUICE BICEPS DEVICE 1. AS _ _ _ E RE _ _ _ E SEN _ _ _ 2. _ _ _ ES BA _ _ _ _ _ _ LOON _ _ _ ARY 3. EM _ _ _ E EN _ _ _ Y M___E S___E 4. SP _ _ _ BR _ _ _ P___ F___S 5. P _ _ _ NT SH _ _ _ NE _ _ _ R 6. AV _ _ _ EM _ _ _ S J___

ACE

Email:

Name:

TWO free Burger King cheeseburger vouchers [222 Queen Street] Yipee!

ANSWERS:

Dazzle

AIL

Escargatoire

Smack

ARE

Cackle

Quiver

Pounce

SUM

Flock Rookery

Bouquet

OAR

Huddle

School

Paddling

Army

Mews

SAL

Litter Colony

Circle all the words in the wordfind, tear this page out & pop it into the box on the side of the red debate stands, and you could win this motherflippin’ sweet prize:

7. B___D C _ _ _ SE S___ R___S

Pandemonium

ERG

Intrigue

Wake

Herd