DOOM, GLOOM, and ZOOM

ENTRE NOUS

Lessons from the Shadows of COVID-19

BY CLAUDE DUCLOUX

Mythology explains that the common English directive, “May you live in interesting times,” is actually a translation of a Chinese curse. We should, instead, be most happy with uninteresting times. Clearly true. And now you know why wine snobs relay this cryptic insult: “Hmm. This wine is…. ‘interesting.’”

So, how was your last ten weeks? The question, of course, is rhetorical. It’s challenging at best for most of us to express the panoply of emotions that life under the pandemic has aroused. And I fully understand that everyone’s experience is unique, so generalities are useless.

We know that those who had a family member suffer through this disease, or who themselves suffered massive financial loss, may continue to suffer grief and despair long after those of us more fortunate reach for the optimism of recovery.

As I write this in late April, we are six weeks into our shelter-in-place/social distancing orders, and it looks like most of us understand that safety and liberty are not incompatible. Truly, safety is a “condition precedent” to future liberty, rather than an impediment. Unless of course, you are watching those numbskulls who want you to be the first on your block to “save the economy.” And I agree that having the wherewithal to actually stay at home is a wonderful privilege. Many cannot and they are, all too often, the heroes of this journey.

As with most challenging situations, we learn unforgettable lessons, we make mistakes, we appreciate, we despair, we worry, and we find ways to stay mentally healthy. And if we’re lucky—we’re resilient. We handle it, and, if given the opportunity, we lead, we assist, and we grow. Our final opportunity to improve the world comes if we can pass the best lessons on to those who come after us in a way which makes sense, resonates, and if possible, entertains. So, here is my attempt to do just that.

I love what I’ve done with the place! Most of us re-discovered we have wonderfully equipped, cozy, and secure places to live. Being home more often allows us to look around and say, “I’m a pretty lucky person.” Look out the window. Look at your neat stuff. Enjoy! I love my stuff (especially my piano).

I have wonderful friends and neighbors. People will surprise you in wonderful ways. One of our neighbors brought us a huge box of fresh vegetables. We are offering each other help and guidance to fix, resolve, or complete unfamiliar tasks. We go on walks—at safe distances, of course. We know we’ll tell these stories later, and it will make us smile.

Fear also brings out the “mean and bossy” in others. Sadly, we meet the enemy everywhere. Often in line at HEB, when they confront you because you had two packages of cheese rather than one (true story). And they are strident in their jerkiness. While lambasting you in line for not having a COVID-19-compliant mask, they then spend ten minutes writing a check. No, make that two checks (messed up the first), while we all suffer in line behind them. I call them the modern Pharisees: They’re better than you, and they want to make sure you know it.

Take my wife—please! That, of course, is the most famous one-liner of the late Borscht-belt comedian Henny Youngman. But sheltering-in-place knows no gender. Wives and domestic partners have likewise discovered, to their chagrin, how unfortunate it is to spend too much time around their mates. My mother used to tease my father, “I married you for better or worse… but not for lunch.” Too much together-time may result in a boom for family lawyers.

Hey, that wasn’t so hard. Learning the new technology of Zoom and doing online meetings is fun, useful, and will forever change the options for how we meet. [But you can do it wrong. See how in my tips. You’re welcome.] While I certainly prefer to speak to a live audience whenever I can, the widespread ability to use Zoom, GoToWebinar, GoToMeeting, Freestone. and other platforms has provided me unending opportunities to speak to huge audiences. In one week in April, I had presentations in New York on Monday, Chicago on Tuesday, and nationwide on Wednesday, without even changing my underwear (that’s on Thursdays).

We will not fully grasp the gravity and discover the truth of this incredible experience, nor its long-term effects, for many years. But we must, as a profession, continue to demand that our leaders move us forward and fully follow the principles of the rule of law. Giving us honest direction and a safe and secure way forward is far more important than placing blame (we already know where it belongs) or fostering identity politics or divisive arguments.

Most importantly, we, the guardians of the rule of law, must lead this nation to preserve those true liberties which we espouse for all. Preserve individual rights and provide access to health care, legal services, and the voting booth. Our magic law licenses mean we can help solve problems. We can make people’s lives better. Moving on means rejecting any and every attempt to demonize anyone—any race, culture, religion, and socio- economic group. All of us, every person in this nation, should ask, “What can I do to help?”

How the legal profession acts right now may be the difference in whether this 250-year experiment in democracy survives. Without your help, it looks iffy.

Keep the faith. AL

CLAUDE’S SIX TIPS TO RUIN YOUR ZOOM CONFERENCE

POSITIONING. Make sure your face is far ABOVE the camera, so that your nostrils look like Italian train tunnels exiting the Alps.

LIGHTING. Always have a 150-watt ceiling fixture or fan behind you in the camera frame, so that your face will be darkened like a member of the Witness Protection Program.

APPEARANCE. Just roll out of bed wearing your favorite “I’m with Stupid” T-shirt. Nothing inspires professional confidence like food stains and eye boogers.

MUTING. Make sure to never mute your microphone. We love hearing people gargle and spit.

BACKGROUND. Scout around for the darkest hallway in your home. Make sure a visible bathroom door is in constant use.

ANIMAL ASSISTANCE. Make sure your pets are on full display. If possible, show them meticulously washing their most intimate body parts. You’ll be a meme.