The Official Australian Hearing Jokebook by Australian Hearing

The Official Australian Hearing Jokebook

Dear team Welcome to the Official Australian Hearing Joke Book 2016. It’s customary to celebrate our rich cultural diversity around the festive season, by inviting everyone from Australian Hearing to take part in creating something memorable. So I’m thrilled that so many of you have shared a joke for everyone to enjoy in this inaugural official Joke Book. I hope it manages to make you, your family and friends smile over the festive period. I know I certainly had a good laugh reviewing the pages. What’s interesting is that each joke is a representation of you. I know that some of these jokes have significant meaning to some people, be it their child’s favourite joke, or they’ve reached out to a friend or family member to ‘lend’ them a joke, or even jokes that remind you of a shared memory with a loved one. At Australian Hearing, we pride ourselves on being an inclusive, culturally diverse organisation, that pulls together to create something great. That’s why this joke book is also a representation of us all. It’s also testament that ‘dad’ jokes are universally funny in any culture! Feel free to view the book online, or to print it out to take home. I want to thank you all for a fantastic 2016 and I wish you a happy and safe holiday. All the best

Why didn’t th e skeleton go to the dance ? Because he h ad no body to go with. Gina Mavrias Chief Operatin g

Why a liars?

Why didn’t th e skeleton go on the scary ride? Because he h

ad no guts.

Gina Mavrias Chief Operatin g

Officer

What do you call a Scotsman holding the Rugby World Cup? The engraver! Bill Davidson Managing Director

k Knock knoc ? Who’s there dy Little Old La dy who? Little Old La w you I didn’t kno

could yodel.

can s e n o y r e eve Becaus them. h g u o r right th avrias Gina M ating Officer er Chief Op

Officer

rrible

ns te skeleto

Bill Davidson ector Managing Dir

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.” Vivian Quinn Finance & Business Services Director

Why wasn’t the wom

an afraid of the shar

Because it was a man

eating shark!

Camille Bentley Senior Communications Manager

a calendar ave a job at

I used to h

factory…

a couple of

use I took t fired beca

But I go days off.

hes Vanessa Hug cer Executive Offi

I thought about goin

g on an all-almond di

et…

But that’s just nuts. Vanessa Hughes Executive Officer

What’s the b

est thing abo

They work o

n so many le

ut elevator jo

Vanessa Hugh es Executive Office r

kes?

vels.

How do you count co

ws?

With a cowculator. Emily Tutt Brand & Customer Expe rie

nce Manager

Why do the French lik

e to eat so many snai

They can’t stand fast

ls?

food.

Leonie Maina Reception Support

How do we know Santa Claus is a man? No woman would wear the same outfit so many years in a row. Nancy Flitcroft Reception Support

What do you

call a cow tha

t’s just given b ir

De-calf-inated

th?

! Mike Thomas older Relationsh ips

Manager Stakeh

What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy. Mike Thomas Manager Stakeholder Relationships

Paddy takes two stuf fed dogs to the filmin g of Antiques Roadshow when it co mes to town. ‘’Ooh!’’ the presente r says. ‘’This is a very rare breed; have you any idea what th ey would fetch if they were in good condition?’’ ‘’Sticks,’’ Paddy replie

Mike Thomas Manager Stakeholder Re lationships

What do you call a sheep with legs?

A cloud. Diana Terrones Head of Marketing

A raisin.

Knock knock…. Who’s there? T-rex T-rex who? There’s a T-rex at the door and you want to know his na me?!

Diana Terrones Head of Marketing

Helen Laverick Head of Customer Stuff

What do you call a spider with legs?

Why don’t you ever see elephan hiding in trees?

What did the duck sa y when he bought lipstick?

Because they are very good at it.

“Put it on my bill.”

Diana Terrones Head of Marketing

Rae De Rooy Regional PR & Commun ica

Why do birds fly South for the Winter?

What’s green, one in ch tall and has wheels?

Because it’s too far to walk!

A grasshopper, I lied about the wheels.

Bianca Walton Help & Digital Senior Marketing Manager, Hearing

tions Manager

Sandra Murphy Regional PR & Commun ica

tions Manager

en it What happens to a frog’s car wh breaks down?

I just burnt my Hawai

It gets toad away.

should have used aloh

Rae De Rooy er Regional PR & Communications Manag

Sarah Sherratt Marketing Manager, Prod

ian pizza… a setting.

ucts

Just hired a one armed waiter… serves me right. Sarah Sherratt Marketing Manager, Prod

ucts

Who is the rudest reindeer? Ru-dolph. Andrew Krestovsky Head of Human Resources

A man walks into a library an d asks the librarian, “Can I ple ase have a burger?” The libraria n replies, “You know you’re in a library?”

What is the definition of optimism? The Australian cricket team putting on sunscreen. Jennie Thompson Work Health & Safety Manager

The man says (softly), “Can I please have a burger?” Andrew Krestovsky Head of Human Resources

What do cats and dogs call

Santa?

Santa Paws.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Val Murgoska Work Health & Safety Advisor

We’re looking for someone with the wisdom of a 50-year old, the experience of a 40-year old, the drive of a 30-year old and the payscale of a 20-year old. Paul Brant Head of Recruitment

Andrew Krestovsky Head of Human Resources

What did the sea say to the Nothing! It simply waved. Allison Stalenberg Business Partner

Why don’t tigers eat clowns? Because they taste funny. Sharzia Allam Business Partner

sand?

to a cocktail bar in ps ho r pe op sh as A gr ys: “Hey, we’ve and the bartender sa ter you,” and the got a drink named af hat, Kevin?” grasshopper says: “W Astrid Miller cer Management Support Offi

Dad: “Where d o you all wan t to eat?” Kids: “We don ’t care dad, wh erever you wa to go!” nt Dad: “Fine, we are going hom e.” Satpal Singh Sharepoint Engine er

eight scale sucking w e th on d an sb hu r A woman caught he in his stomach. Joe, you know?” u, yo lp he ’t on w t ha “T t’s the only way I can “I , an m e th ys sa t,” “Oh it helps a lo see the numbers!” Ferdinand Rosauro alyst Applications Support An

oves: n Classic Dad M h your childre it w rs a W r er.” Watching Sta “I am your fath : m e th g in ll and te Satpal Singh ineer Sharepoint Eng

urs I’ve always thought my neighbo n were quite nice people. But the -Fi. they put a password on their Wi Mike Alavi Senior SharePoint Analyst

Why does it suck to be a penguin

gry, Because even when you get an you still look cute. Mike Alavi Senior SharePoint Analyst

g I just got a photo from a speedin it camera through the mail. I sent and right back – way too expensive really bad quality. Mike Alavi Senior SharePoint Analyst

PICK UP LINES: Are you a password? Because I can’t forget you. I’m a bee… Can you be my honey? Are you a dictionary? life. Because you add meaning to my Are you a twitter? Because you’re trending on my heart. Rhodora Palma Accounts Payable Manager

The teacher asked, “W hat is a cannibal?” The studen t said, “I don’t know.” Then th e teacher says, “If you eat your mum and dad, what will they ca ll you?” The student says, “An orph an.” Rhodora Palma Accounts Payable Manag er

What is smaller than Mozzies cozzies!! Chris Massey National Manager Prop

erty Projects & Facilities

What do you call a D onkey with three legs? A wonkey.

Wendy Pearce Forever alone problems: Buy a He ad of Clinical Support And SHEEP and name him RELATION. now you have a RelationSHeep. Rhodora Palma Accounts Payable Manager

ant’s pants?

t the guy wh Did you hear abou rs? invented Lifesave a mint.

They say he made

Stephanie Miler tant Administration Assis

a customer , e r t n e c g arin stralian He dy asked u n A a l S a d c n lo a e s ie In th ur accessor o g in s w o r er. was b ything?” n a d in the custom f d u e o k y jo lp e ,” h h t “Can I isspent you een world m w y t e m b t u k c o a b b “How a that in the p e e k e W “ y tickets.” r I replied, e t t lo g in winn peace and ard Sandra How ager n General Ma

What do you call an old snowma

Water! Kathleen Dimes Community Hearing Advisor

ed when the What happen into a fight? He

turkey got ut of him.

g knocked o got the stuffin

Kathleen Dimes ring Advisor Community Hea

Why did the elf put hi

s bed into the firepla

ce?

He wanted to sleep lik

e a log.

Kathleen Dimes Community Hearing Advis or

manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s birthday party?

What do you sing at a snow Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Kathleen Dimes Community Hearing Advisor

Why are turkey

s smarter than ch

ickens?

Ever heard of K

entucky Fried Tu

rkey KFT?

Kathleen Dimes Community Hearin g Ad

visor

ey es ask the turk lv e e th id d y Wh join the band? d the Because he ha

drumsticks.

Kathleen Dimes ring Advisor Community Hea

shire Two neighbouring York , went to farmers, John and John y, where the Farmers Fair in Ilkle When they they both bought a pig. John how got home, John asked ned which they would tell who ow be the same pig as they seemed to size and age. cut off one of “Well,” said John, “I’ll at?” “Fine, my pig’s ears. How’s th r John. This I guess,” said the othe of weeks worked until a couple ed into the later when John storm house. pig has “John,” he said. “Your pig. Now we chewed the ear off my e ear each. have two pigs with on ll who owns How are we going to te which pig now?” . “I’ll cut the “Well John,” said John en we’ll other ear off my pig. Th one of have two pigs and only them will have an ear.” ,” said John. “Ah there’s a good idea until Again this worked fine ks later another couple of wee to the house when John stormed in again. pig has “John,” he said. “Your f my pig. chewed the other ear of gs with no Now we’ve got two pi g to tell who ears. How are we goin owns which pig?” ,” said John. “Ah this is serious, John . I’ll cut the “I’ll tell you what I’ll do e’ll have two tail off my pig. Then w only one pig pigs with no ears and with a tail.”

“Ah that would be good,” says John. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, John stormed into the house once more. “John,” shouted John. “Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we have two pigs with no ears and no tails. How are we going to tell them apart?” “Ah, well, John,” says John. “Why don’t we just make this simple? How about if you have the black one, and I’ll have the white one.” Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

A client walked into to the Clinician’s office. “You’ve got to help me. It’s my ear. There’s something in there.” The Clinician proceeded to pull out a $50 note. “I don’t believe it,” the Clinician exclaimed, ‘There’s more in there.” Out came another fifty, a twenty and some tens. Finally all the notes had been removed. The Clinician counted the money and it came to $1999. “Ah, yes, that sounds about right,” nodded the client, ‘I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.’ Kathleen Dimes Community Hearing Advisor

went A blonde with two red ears to her doctor.

How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?

had The doctor asked her what e happened to her ears and sh shirt answered, “I was ironing a tead of and the phone rang but ins entally picking up the phone I accid it to picked up the iron and stuck my ear.”

Metallica leaves your ears ringing and Tyson leaves your ears in a ring!

imed in “Oh dear!” the doctor excla ed to disbelief, “But what happen your other ear?” “The guy called back!” Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

Knock knock Who’s there? Ears Ears Who e. Ears another knock knock jok Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? You gonna eat that? Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At the man’s next appointment, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.” Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, “I’m going to play it by ear.” Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

Why shouldn’t you te

ll a cow a secret?

Because it will go in

one ear and out the

Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gl ad

stone

o ears?

rs with n u call bea

What do y B.

ansen Lisa Christi tone erg & Glads b a d n u B r e Manag

with a What do you call a gorilla banana in each ear? t hear ya! Anything you like, he can’ Lisa Christiansen one Manager Bundaberg & Gladst

udder.

What kind of fish will

help you hear better

A herring aid! Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gl ad

stone

Did you hear about the lady that found a snake on her car? It was a Windscreen Viper. Gavin Pingel Manager Toowoomba

Doctor. “Doctor, I A native American went to the am or a tepee?” don’t know whether I am a wigw e too tense.”

The Doctor replied, “Relax you’r

Gavin Pingel Manager Toowoomba

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt! Miranda Klan Senior Audiologist Toowoomba

Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner. First hard of hearing dude says, “Brrrrr, it’s windy!” Second one says, “No...It’s Thursday.” Third one says, “Me too, let’s go get a drink.” Lisa Christiansen Manager Bundaberg & Gladstone

Did you hear about poor Paddy over in Ireland, he drowned in a vat of beer? His family just wanted to know if it was quick and merciful. The brewery replied, “Well he had to get out three times for a toilet break.” Gavin Pingel Manager Toowoomba

What do you call a chicken looking at a salad?

To show everyone he had guts.

Kid vs Barber A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is not the smartest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Jennett Robertson Customer Service Officer Toowoomba

Di Alcock General Manager

Chicken Ceasar Salad (Chicken sees a Salad). Linda McClure Paediatrics Audiologist Maroochydore

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t come in here!” And the mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy!” Travis Keller Manager Ipswich

Why did the skeleton leap off the 10 storey building?

My first job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. Kylie Sheedy Community Hearing Advisor Toowoomba

Take care of your cochlears …. they’re ear-replaceable! Karen Hirschausen Clinical Coach

What is Mary short for? Because she has little legs. Carol Watt Clinical Coach

What do they call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick. Carol Watt Clinical Coach

What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest! Elise Allen Audiologist Toukley

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down th e highway saw the man cr ying on the side of the road and pulle d over. She stepped out of her ca r and asked the man what was wrong, “I feel terrible,” he explai ned, “I accidentally hit this rabb it and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew w hat to do. She went to her car tru nk, and pulled out a spray can. Sh e walked over to the limp, dead ra bbit, and sprayed the contents of th e can onto the rabbit. Miraculo usly the rabbit came to life, jumpe d up, waved its paw at the tw o humans and hopped down the ro ad. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved an d hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopp ed another 50 yards. The m an was astonished. He couldn’t fig ure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, “What is in your sp ray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?” The woman turn ed the can around so that the m an could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restor es life to dead hair. Adds permanen t wave.” David Wigney Senior Audiologist Newcastle

Why donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t shoes care about the latest fashion? Because they stink no matter what they wear. John Eakin Manager Tweed Heads

t when you want Why do you always ask a ca something done well? ct.

Because they are purrrrrrrfe

John Eakin Manager Tweed Heads

What do you ca

ll Santa with no

St Nicker less.

undies?

John Eakin Manager Tweed H ea

What did the dog say after it ate sandpaper? Ruff Ruff. Jennifer Luff General Manager

What did one wall say to

the other wall?

. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll meet you at the corner Jennifer Luff General Manager

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearin g. So he called her doctor to make an appo intment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he coul d see her in two weeks, but meanwhile , suggested a simple, informal test th Later that afternoon we were e husband could do to give the doctor so being terrible parents (after me idea of the dimensions of the prob realising he was ok of course lem. “Here’s what you do. St and it really wasn’t as terrible art about 40 feet away from her, and sp as it sounded) and hubby and eak in a normal conversational tone an I were having a giggle about d see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 fe it when he called Seth into the et, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a re room and very seriously said sponse.” So that evening she’s in to Seth, “Hey Seth what’s the the kitchen cooking dinner, and he difference between tuna, a ’s in the living room, and he says to hi piano and glue?” mself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens when I talk to her.” Seth looks at hubby blankly “Honey, what’s for dinn and says, “I don’t know Dad, er?” He calls. No response. what?” So he moves to the othe r end of the room, about 30 feet away. Hubby says, “Well you can “Honey, what’s for dinn tuna piano, but you can’t er?” No response. piano a tuna!” So he moves into the di ning room, about 20 feet away. He starts Me not knowing what hubby shouting. “HONEY, what’s for dinn was talking about pipes up er?” No response. and says, “So what does the On to the kitchen door glue have to do with it!?” , only 10 feet away. hubby says, “I knew you’d get “HONEY, what’s for DINNER?? ” No response. stuck on that one!” So he walks right up be hind her and Michaela McDonell screams: Customer Service “HONEY, WHAT’S FOR DINNER??!?!” Officer Dubbo His wife turns to him a rage and screams. “CHICKEN, CHICKEN! Fo r the FIFTH TIME, WE’RE HAVING CHICKE N!!!” On Monday, my 10 year old son’s school receptionist called me at work to pick him up because Seth had poured glue into his ear.

Dana Pollard Paediatric Audiologist Ma cqua

rie University

r to buy a drink. The A pony goes into a ba t, a special offer tonigh barman says we have e, your drink is free. m r fo ng so a ng si u if yo ly sorry I can’t do al re am “I , ys sa ny The po se.” that, I am a little hoar Donalee Rose or Parramatta Community Hearing Advis

What do you call a fly

without wings?

A walk!! Kerry Brown Customer Service Officer Penrith

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? You seem to be closer to the ceiling. Kerry Brown Customer Service Officer Penrith

eam with sunburn? What do you call an ice-cr A puddle. Pamela Ulloa-DeMarinis Customer Support Officer

What’s white, has one horn and gives mil A milk truck. Jennifer Luff General Manager

toys Why didn’t the lobster share its at Christmas? Because it was shellfish! Donalee Rose atta Community Hearing Advisor Parram

for Brenda and Terry are going out y do the evening. The last thing the is put their cat out. le The taxi arrives, and as the coup scoots walk out of the house, the cat back in. out. Terry returns inside to chase it that Brenda, not wanting it known ins the house would be empty, expla is to the taxi driver, “My husband bye just going upstairs to say good to my mother.” ted Several minutes later, an exhaus o Terry arrives and climbs back int the taxi saying, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding her under the bed and I had to poke es with a coat hanger several tim out!” before I could get her to come Sharna Raley Manager Parramatta & Macquarie

ing A linguistics professor was lectur his class one day. “In English”, he said, “a double me negative forms a positive. In so an, languages, though, such as Russi tive. a double negative is still a nega However, there is no language form wherein a double positive can a negative.” A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.” Sharna Raley Manager Parramatta & Macquarie

Me: “How have you found the new hearing aids?” Client: “Wonderful, I’m hearing better than ever. In fa ct on the radio I always used to think they were saying ‘the effin g-tunnel’ because of the hideou s traffic. I now know they’re ac tually saying, ‘the Epping Tunnel’.” Sharna Raley Manager Parramatta & M

acquarie

Why did the shark ke ep swimming in circles? It had a nosebleed. Richard Hind General Manager

My boss told me to ha ve a good day… So I went home. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

How much did the pirate pay for his hook and peg leg? An arm and a leg! Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

les A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cab u can around his neck. The bartender says, “Yo stay but don’t try to start anything.” Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

Why do witches wear name tags? To know which witch is which! Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

Where did the cow go for its holiday? Moo Zealand. Meryl Emmett Customer Service Officer Nowra

What did the carrot say to the other carrot? Sorry I didn’t see you there. Meryl Emmett Customer Service Officer Nowra

Who says, “oh oh oh”? Santa walking backwards. Charmaine Meredith Regional Marketing Specialist

Why is Prancer always wet? Because he is a rain-deer! Charmaine Meredith Regional Marketing Specialist

What do elves learn at elf school? The elfabet! Charmaine Meredith Regional Marketing Specialist

Knock knock Who’s there? Lettuce Lettuce who? Let us in please. Josie Fornasier Senior Customer Service Officer

Nowra

What’s the difference be tween a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

A blonde and a redhead have a farm. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy anot her, but only have $500. The redh ead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for un der that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market an d finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegr aph office and finds out that it cost s one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to brin g the truck and trailer. Finally, she te lls the telegraph operator to se nd the word “comfortable.” Sceptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She ’s a blonde so she reads slowly: ‘Com e for ta bull.’” Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hello, Hungry. I’m Dad.” Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

What do you call a man with no nose and Nobody nose. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

What do you call a woman that sets her bill

s on fire?

Bernadette. Sandy Miles Manager South Coast

no body?

Why did the first koala fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? Because the first koala hit him. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? Because he thought it was a game! Kate Wilson Audiologist Wollongong

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

A man goes to his GP an d says his wife is going deaf beca use she doesn’t answer him w hen he speaks to her. The GP asked ho w far away he was when speaking to her, but the man did not know , so he thought he would test this out. That night he was three metres aw ay from his wife and asked her “What’s for dinner tonight?” There was no reply. He moved closer to he r and asked the same question - still no reply. He moved to within one m etre of her and asked her the sam e question, to which she replied, “I’ve already told you twice that we are having Roast Lamb!!!” John Waters Audiometrist Albury

What do you get when Batman and Robin are run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon. Marita Itter Audiometrist Canberra

There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How man y were left?

He stole the show.

None because they wer e copy cats!

Vicki Christie Manager Wollongong

What do you get if you cross a Beatle with an Australian dog? Dingo Starr. Vicki Christie Manager Wollongong

an army disposal A person walks into tendant for a store and asks the at e attendant looks camouflage jacket. Th d says “We got 100 in an re he yw er ev nd ou ar I can find them! if d fe uf st t bu y da er yest Kathryn Chalkley Wonthaggi Customer Service Officer

What do you call chee

se that’s not yours?

Nacho Cheese. Tara McDonald Community Hearing Advis or Rosebud

Why couldn’t Timmy ride a bike? Timmy was a goldfish. Patrick Tyler Paediatrics Audiologist Shepparton

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bulldozer. Patrick Tyler Paediatrics Audiologist Shepparton

What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1 Kathy Barbarigos Manager Reservoir & Epping

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger…..and then it hit me! Carman Chu Audiologist Bendigo

Where do they make average things? SatisFACTORY. Paul Cameron General Manager

Bear: “I’ll have a vodka, a.” lime……………………………………..and sod Barman: “Why the big pause?” Bear: “I’ve always had them.” Paul Cameron General Manager

Why did no one bid for Rudolf and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer! Eliza Brbich Senior Audiologist Perth

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish! Shirley Lai Audiologist Perth East Perth

Three sisters, aged 81 , 83 and 85, live together. One night the 85 year old draws a bath for herself. As sh e sticks her foot in, she pauses.

A man looking for work knocked on the door of a nice house in a well to do area. The owner of the house answered the door, “Do you have any odd jobs you need doing? I can weed, do gardening, painting, repair a fence or anything you need. I am out of work and looking to make some money.” The owner said, “Well yes, actually, I have a porch out the back that needs a coat of paint. There are can s of white gloss in the garage and some brushes. I’ll pay you $25 to do that job.” “Great,” says the man, and he goes around the back of the house to get started. An hour later he knocks on the door again. The owner of the house says, “Are you finished already? Wow that was quick!”

She yells to her sister s downstairs, “Was I getting in or ou t of the bath?” The 83 year old shou ts back loudly, “I don’t know. Let m e come up there and see.” She be gins walking up the stairs, but then pauses. She yells to her sister s “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 81 year old is sitting in the living room, enjoying some tea. She listens to her sist ers, shakes her head and mutters to herself, “I sure hope I never ge t that forgetful. Knock on w ood.” She then turns and sh outs, “I’ll come up there and he lp both of you as soon as I se e who’s knocking at the door .” Corryn Smyth Customer Service Officer Br

oadmeadows

The man said, “Yep, and I even did a second coat! Oh, and by the way, it’s not a porch – it’s a Ferrari.”

Madoona.

A very good reason to have your hearing checked!

Nici Glyde Manager Rosebud & Won th

Croydon Hearing Centre

What lies on your be

d and sings?

aggi

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stai rs. “I’m afraid my assistant may ha ve misled you. I am not a medical do ctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I w ill see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.” With that, Igor picks up Be tty and carries her downstairs, w ith Bob following closely. Igor pl aces Betty on a table in the lab. Bob co llapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an ad joining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “T hings are serious, Igor. Prepare a tra nsfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills’ deaths upset Ig or’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almos t haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits stra ight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conser vatory. He bursts in and shouts to hi s master: “Master, Master! ... The Hi lls are alive with the sound of music! ”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I Russell Kesby will get him!”

Customer Support Centre Offi

cer

What do you call a Woolworths that’s been burned to the ground? Coles! Jessica Hermann Paediatric Audiologist Marion & Christies Beach

Why do Tiny Teddies wear pants? Because they have crumbly legs. Jessica Hermann Paediatric Audiologist Marion & Christies Beach

What are 100’s and 1000’s? Smartie droppings. Jessica Hermann Paediatric Audiologist Marion & Christies Beach

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says, “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says, “I think I’ll have an H2O too!” and he died. Jessica Hermann Paediatric Audiologist Marion & Christies Beach

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saur-us Mandy Ganzevoort Customer Service Officer Marion

r and says to the ba a to in ks al w a nd A pa Coke ch and ........................ ot sc a ve ha ’ll “I r, de d barten e bartender replies an th ” g, in th e ur “S ” u. thank yo the big pause?” asks, “But what’s with says, “I was born d an s nd ha s hi up s The panda hold with them.” Gemma Cooper Clinical Coach

Why did the tea cher wear sung lasses in class? Because her stu

dents were so b

right.

Emily Verrier Audiologist Oakland

s Park

A wonderful bird is the pelican, His bill can hold more than his beli-can, He can take in his beak, Food enough for a week, But I’m damned if I see how the heli-can. Luke Milne Community Hearing Advisor Morley

What did the Mother volcano say to the Father volcano? “I lava you so much”. Rebecca Thompson Customer Support Centre Officer

I’d tell you the joke about the vacuum but it sucks… Fiona O’Brien Team Leader

The boy stood on the deck, Pocket full of crackers, One fell down between his legs, And blew off both his knackers. Luke Milne Community Hearing Advisor Morley

How do you make a sausage roll? Push it. Kylie Everett Team Leader

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a Shih Tzu. Bram Van Dun Senior Research Electrophysiologist

Two muffins are cooking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, it’s hot in here.” The other muffin screams, “Ah, a talking muffin!” Pam Jackson Research Programme Co-ordinator

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom! Elizabeth Beach Research Psychologist