Australian Times weekly newspaper | 15 October 2013

15 - 21 October 2013 Issue: 485

AUSSIE DICTIONARY Top 10 slang words

UK LIFE P6

TIME'S A TICKING Is growing up a choice?

UK LIFE P5

SIGNATURE BURGERS Review of SLABS London

food & wine P7

42293

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LABOR’S FACE LIFT

n Labor’s shadow frontbench includes 11 women and six new faces as Opposition Leader Bill Shorten seeks a new direction for his party, but not everybody's happy.

By Katina Curtis and Paul Osborne OPPOSITION Leader Bill Shorten declared zero tolerance on disunity as he unveiled Labor's shadow frontbench, but it failed to stop angry outbursts from some who missed out.

Anna Burke lashed out at the "faceless men" of Labor after failing to get the chief opposition whip job, saying caucus voted on deals done beforehand rather than on merit.

"Our new leader Bill Shorten may hope for no rancour in the caucus, but the current outcome of the shadow ministry reflects an immediate reversion to the faceless men being firmly in control," she wrote on the Guardian Australia website.

"Caucus voted on factional lines for the leadership and then sub-factional lines for executive positions, so whilst the party has embraced democratic change, the caucus has not."

Party infighting and the conflict between Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd were key reasons voters turned on the Labor government at the September 7 election.

Mr Shorten hopes to prevent that from dogging Labor in opposition, hence his "zero tolerance for disunity" announced after the caucus vote in Canberra on Monday which selected a new 30-member frontbench.

He has returned to the pre-Rudd era process of having the caucus elect ...continued on p3

raise the roof

Put your hands up for Dame Edna Everage | P8

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www.1stcontact.com/mast2

Chopper buried There was the Mark "Chopper" Read who committed armed robberies and attempted to kidnap a judge, then there was the loyal and trustworthy family man.

The "one of a kind" father and husband was laid to rest at an invitation-only funeral on Monday.

"He's left behind a wife and two boys as a man and a father and that's how he should be remembered," Troy Johnston, a friend of Chopper’s, told Network Ten. Read died aged 58 last week after a battle with liver cancer, on Thursday in Clifton Hill.

Read spent more than 23 years in jail for crimes including armed robbery, assault and kidnapping, including trying to abduct a Victorian County Court judge at gunpoint.

He once claimed he was involved in killing 19 people and the attempted murder of 11 others.

He was famously portrayed by Eric Bana in the 2000 film Chopper.

Read was also Australia's bestselling true crime author, with copies of his first book Chopper: From the Inside selling more than 300,000 copies.

Mr Johnston described him as "one of a kind".

"He was one of the most generous and loyal friend and trustworthy people I've ever met in my life," he said. - AAP

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2 | News

15-21 October 2013

Sorry Melbourne, Sydney is voted world’s second best city n The NSW Government are loving themselves at the moment, Publisher: Bryce Lowry Editor: Thomas Jones Production/Design: Nicól Grobler Contributors: Georgia Dawes, Alex Ivett, Phillip Browne, Michael McCormick, Erin Somerville, George Katralis, Jacqui Moroney, Will Fitzgibbon, Kiel Egging, Daniel Shillito, Mat Lyons, Tyson Yates, Jennifer Perkin, Charlie Inglefield, Thomas Jones, Alistair Davis, Will Denton,

Chloe Westley, Bonnie Gardiner, Michaela Gray, Cohen Brown, Marian Borges, Haylee Slater, Emma O'Neill, Ally Juchnevicius, Courtney Greatrex, Poppy Damon, Kris Griffiths, Lara Brunt, Nicole Hayes, Alex Blackie, Mark Muggeridge, Sharon SpenceLieb, Lana Penrose, Amy Paterson, Melissa Townsend Directors: P Atherton, J Durrant N Durrant, R Phillips and A Laird

Additional content: Who are we?

Australian Times is written and compiled by young Australian journalists living in the UK. Contributing on a volunteer basis, they are uniquely placed to reflect the interests, opinions and attitudes of our community.

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as Sydney is voted the second best city in the world, ahead of New York, Rome, Toronto and…Melbourne. Awkward.

By Thomas Jones A new survey has ranked Sydney as the second best city in the world to live.

Melbourne…well…what can we say…there’s room for improvement.

According to Anholt-Gfk survey Sydney has ranked highly because it has the friendliest locals, and is super safe. It was also recognised as the city with the friendliest people, as well as the city where visitors feel the safest.

The survey, based on interviews with 5144 adults across 11 countries, measured the power and appeal of each city’s brand image.

London beat out the harbour city in the global research company’s 50 best cities list. Sydney ranked ahead New York, Rome, Toronto and Melbourne which came in 10th – two positions up from the last survey.

The NSW Government are in love with themselves right now, with NSW Tourism Minister George Souris saying the result shows Sydney is a “global city with an

enormous reputation”.

“Sydney is often recognised for its spectacular harbour, wonderful events and festivals and the other unique experiences for visitors, so it is particularly exciting to also be recognised for the people of Sydney and their positive effect on a visitor’s experience,” he said in a statement.

The survey looked at six key dimensions of presence, place, basic requirements, people, interesting things to do, and economic and educational opportunities.

December – 22 December, 2005. The exhibition was a series of etchings and a book launch. Teeming with Life, His Complete Graphics 19572005.

favourite player and I’m very sad that he had to go to Penrith. But he did say that he would highly consider finishing out his career at the London Broncos ‘if his body allowed it’!

The Top 10

were as follows:

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1. London 2. Sydney 3. Paris 4. New York 5. Rome 6. Washington DC 7. Los Angeles 8. Toronto 9. Vienna 10. Melbourne

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Bianca needs to give us TNT readers more information on London transport than this rudimentary effort. It’s simply a lesson in the “bleeding obvious”.

James

You can now get your Australian Times newspaper every week as a FREE digital edition for your iPad, iPhone or Android.

On: TNT magazine put into administration

Great news for the environment.

Especially as the reality of global warming is hitting many Aussies right between the eyes. As an Englishman, the sodden masses of unread TNT magazine polluting my local high street has always depressed me. The content was always garbage anyway – this news is literally good riddance to bad rubbish.

James

On: First UK exhibition for Australian landscape artist John Olsen This is actually John Olsen’s second exhibition in London.

His first solo exhibition was at Cosa Gallery, London, England. 7

?

What’s your view AustralianTimes

Ken

On: Sorry Melbourne, Sydney voted world’s second best city

On: San Francisco; A love story

Bonkers! Having lived in both, I’d say Sydney beats London hands down for cleanliness, safety, space and friendly locals.

Kathryn

On: A man on a mission: Jamie Soward joins the London Broncos

Henry

Jamie Soward was a absolutely amazing for London and he bought a spark of life to the team of youngsters and underperforming aussies. He is a top class professional because he managed to lift a depressed, losing team from the bottom of the table and reach the challenge cup semi-final.

He scored 5 tries, 24 conversions and a drop-goal in 9 games for the Broncos. He scored some outstanding tries but my favourite was when he scored an outstanding solo try in the CC v Sheffield Eagles In his short time in London, Soward became my

San Frans is so awesome, I’ve been going often over the last 10 years that now it feels like a second home. I highly recommend it and if you’re from Sydney you’ll feel very at home too as it shares some similarities to the city area in Sydney. Don’t forget amazing American hospitality which can’t be beaten in any other country.

Barb

On: Tony Abbott says asylum boat buy-backs still on

If the Indo govt was serious about stopping the trade then it would be sorted by now. Their lack of effort/commitment/care means someone else has to take care of their problem. If they want to have a whinge then let them.

They’re lucky they’re not sent the bill for all this!

Agg

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A woman's touch ...continued from p1 the frontbench before he appoints portfolios.

"It is a big rebuilding job for Labor to rebuild the confidence of people who've stopped voting for us," he said.

Tanya Plibersek, MP for Sydney and former health minister, was voted deputy leader; Penny Wong is the party's Senate leader and deputy Senate leader is Stephen Conroy.

The left's leadership contender, Anthony Albanese, was not named in the leadership team, but will get a senior portfolio when Mr Shorten announces them on Friday.

Mr Shorten said there were plenty of talented women in Labor's ranks and the opposition, with 11 women in shadow cabinet, would have more female cabinet members than the government.

But unity could be more problematic.

The Left faction dumped former ministers Warren Snowdon and Kate Lundy over their support for Mr Shorten in the leadership contest.

The right's Don Farrell was named in the front bench even though he loses his Senate seat next July.

Mr Snowdon reportedly complained in the caucus meeting about side deals and stitch-ups.

"You can't have small groups of

people meeting as a cabal deciding on who should be the shadow ministers, which in effect was what happened today," he later told the ABC. And backbencher Laurie Ferguson tweeted that Senator Lundy's dumping was "sad collateral payback".

Many Labor politicians traditionally come from union backgrounds, like Mr Shorten.

But the new leader said the party could be made more diverse and representational of the community.

However, CFMEU national secretary Dave Noonan called for the union influence to be widened, saying all affiliated union members - whether Labor members or not - should be given a vote in party matters.

"Giving union members a direct say would mean more than a million working Australians would have a chance participate in pre-selections in addition to the forty thousand members of the ALP," he told the CFMEU's national conference in Cairns on Monday.

The first shadow cabinet meeting will be on 21 October. - AAP

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Tanya Plibersek key to uniting Labor opposition n Labor

will need Tanya Plibersek’s skills as a communicator and her popularity with colleagues as it tries to unite after a devastating election loss.

By Adam Bennett (AAP)

LABOR’S new deputy leader Tanya Plibersek will need all her muchvaunted communications skills if the party is to tackle the three important tasks she says are facing the opposition.

Defending the ousted Labor government's economic and social legacy, explaining Labor's vision for the future and, perhaps most importantly, rebuilding a united party.

"Where we support and encourage one another, where of course we have our differences over policy, but we handle those maturely and respectfully," she said after being unanimously elected by caucus on Monday.

Popular among her colleagues, the former health minister is needed up front by Labor leader Bill Shorten if he is to engineer a quick recovery from the divisive Rudd-Gillard years.

A regular on panel shows such as the ABC's Q&A, Ms Plibersek was elected to parliament in 1998 along with two other women who would come to shape the party - Julia Gillard and Nicola Roxon.

Following the 2007 election victory under Kevin Rudd, the MP for Sydney was appointed the Minister for Housing and Minister for the Status of Women, and was also a Minister for Human Services and Social Inclusion.

One of Labor's best at publicly prosecuting an argument - she is a journalism graduate from Sydney's University of Technology - it wasn't long before she was elevated to

cabinet with the health ministry.

As health minister from 2011, Ms Plibersek oversaw the government's changes to private health insurance, introduced the world's first plain packaging of cigarettes, helped bed down hospital funding reforms, and boosted dental funding to cut waiting lists and provide services to those on low income.

Of the party's left, Ms Plibersek has been an outspoken advocate for women's rights, as well as same-sex marriage.

"When I ask myself whether I should be on the side of change or on the side of discrimination, there is only one answer that I can reasonably give: I have to be on the side of change and equality," she said when debating a failed same-sex marriage bill last year.

Mr Shorten said his 43-year-old deputy, born to Slovenian migrants and with a father who worked on the iconic Snowy Hydro Scheme, reflects the Australian story.

Ms Plibersek became emotional when talking about her background on Monday.

"I don't think that there are many countries in the world where someone's whose parents come here, nothing but a suitcase each, could ever aspire to being a member of parliament, let alone taking on this responsibility that my colleagues have entrusted me with," she said.

Married to the Director General of the NSW Department of Family and Community Services, Michael Coutts-Trotter, Ms Plibersek has three children.

DANGER: High fiving fun and Australian cricketers

n It was a dark day for Australian cricket, or at least for wicketkeeper Brad Haddin who got poked in the eye as he tried to high five his teammate James Faulkner.

High fiving is dangerous. It requires a great deal of hand-eye coordination, concentration and practice. Raising your hand, about head high, and pushing, slapping or sliding your flat palm against the flat palm of another person is not for the faint hearted. The consequences of missing the target can be awkward, embarrassing and can cause injury.

Australian cricketers Brad Haddin

and James Faulkner can attest to this. After catching out India’s Shikhar Dhawan during the one day test, Haddin and Faulkner rushed to celebrate with a high five.

But they were way too excited to be high fiving.

Faulkner missed Haddin’s hands completely. Instead he poked his team mate in the eye. Epic fail!

Haddin collapsed to the ground clutching his face, and was eventually forced to leave the field. He only returned after spending 22 overs out of the game receiving treatment on a scratch to the eye.

"How embarrassing is that? We couldn't even get our high fives right," the Australia captain, George Bailey, joked after the match.

"What about just a handshake? Just take it back to 'well bowled."

4 | Feature

15 - 21 October 2013

My dinner with Chopper Read

n Disposing of dead bodies is not typical dinner time conversation, but when your guest is one of

Australia’s most notorious criminals, it’s best just to shut up and smile. Bestselling author Lana Penrose can attest to that, when she shared a meal with the late Mark "Chopper" Read.

When an old friend asked to meet for a meal a couple of years back, I was more than happy to oblige. He happened to be visiting Sydney with none other than Mark ‘Chopper’ Read, one of modern Australia’s most notorious underworld criminals, extortionists and stand-over men who’d served

decades in prison, claimed to have been involved in 19-odd murders, and hacked off his own ears.

My friend was managing Chopper’s writing career, and the two were in town to promote Read’s most recent offering – one that I was assured was not sacrificial.

For my buddy and I it had been a

long time between drinks, but not long enough for me to accept his invitation at first blush.

“Will Chopper be there?”

“No.” “Okay, you’re on.”

Arrangements were made and I was shortly thereafter at Una’s in Darlinghurst, an understated restaurant boasting large portions of hearty German fare. I patiently slurped on a drink until my pal came bounding in. It was so good to see him after all this time.

But lumbering behind him was a paunchy, shadowy figure; an older moustachioed shark-eyed gentleman. Holy Christ. He’d arrived with Chopper Read. There he was, staring right through me!

Hasty introductions ensued, which sent me into a tailspin propelled by a moral dilemma. ‘Pleased to meet you’ followed by a brisk handshake suddenly seemed so wildly inappropriate. Was it right to remain in the company of a kidnapper, arsonist, perpetrator of assault and alleged multiple murderer? Somewhat shell shocked, I shoehorned myself into a seat around a tiny table and covertly examined people’s reactions to the slouched man dining in their midst.

Yes, ladies and gentleman – it’s him, Chopper Read, ingesting food before your very eyes! I noted the ogling, the sly smiles and the clandestine photographs snapped by smartphone.

Meanwhile, Chopper gruffly responded to my inane banter.

Weather. Sydney versus Melbourne.

Writing. Um . . . sport? As I burst a capillary, I couldn’t help but notice Chopper was making zero eye contact with me, and I wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or offended.

It was a type of shyness, my mate would later tell me, because Chopper didn’t know me. Chopper Read . . . wary . . . of me. Made perfect sense.

In any event, Chopper eventually began describing, in graphic detail, a variety of underworld figures he’d either associated with, screwed over or killed. While looking exclusively at my friend, he described to ‘me’ how an acquaintance had wrapped an almost dead man in a garbage bag, taped it up and asked Chopper to help him dispose of the body.

He also described how he’d fed either that body or the body of another (I wasn’t sure which) through an industrial-sized wood shredder, followed by a variety of trees, kangaroos and domestic animals, the leafy-intestinal combo ultimately being pumped into the Murray River.

Now I should point out I am anti-violence in every way. I’m all for love, peace and puppies. In fact I’m so passive, most people fail to realise I exist. I’m also one of the few people in this country who refused to jump on the Underbelly bandwagon. So as he spouted off names of presumable underworld figures or murder victims, I wondered if I was being fed information which would lead to me being forced to appear in a witness stand at a criminal trial.

And as Chopper disclosed yet more

gruesome details of severed toes and the like, I watched his dull fork stab at his schnitzel and listened to his knife scrape along his plate, which I felt all the way to my back teeth. It was the weirdest dinner of all time.

Not wishing to offend, I stuck around after our meal and we proceeded to the Victoria Rooms where I witnessed people at first pretend not to notice Chopper Read simultaneous to sheer delight dawning on their faces. Some gravitated towards him like moths to a flame. A hot blonde in a pair of skyscraper heels and her boyfriend strode past several times, staring uncontrollably, until Chopper called them over.

After a quick exchange, the blonde bashfully asked if she could sit on Uncle Chop Chop’s knee and have her photo taken with him – as though she’d just spotted Santa Claus and Santa Claus was real – hooray! Others plonked themselves down at our couch and chatted animatedly with all-consuming smiles.

Eventually people drifted away. And as I tore my gaze from Chopper’s mangled ear to his sullied silver teeth, my friend announced he had to go to the bathroom. Every cell within me protested: ‘Noooooo!’

Notwithstanding, Read and I were suddenly alone – just the two of us, side by side, on a red plush lounge in a sultry inner-city bar. I decided now would either be a great time to (a) run, never to be seen again, or (b) begin questioning my acquaintance about intricate details concerning his childhood. I chose the latter, and this is where things got really interesting.

Chopper became more open, even daring to look at me square on.

He told me his father – a former soldier who’d served a tour of duty with the Australian Army – had discussed killing and maiming without censorship to a very young and impressionable boy who would later be known as Mark ‘Chopper’ Read. His father had shown him how to fire a gun from as early as he could remember and they carried out target practice often. Chopper’s dad had also explained how certain nationalities were less than others.

Chopper then went on to discuss his mother, a religious woman who, rather than look at things from a broader perspective, presumed her son to be possessed by Satan.

He was sent to various children’s homes and committed to mental institutions by his early teens. It seemed young Chopper was not given life’s greatest start.

He opened up further, painting a stark picture pertaining to an incident while he’d been incarcerated within a sanatorium.

He said he’d been assigned bathroom-cleaning duty, which he carried out to the very best of his ability, day after day, to the point of obsession. During this time, he befriended an Italian man and fellow inmate - noteworthy as it seemed Chopper didn’t make friends very easily. Sadly, this man went on to take his own life in

the very bathroom Read had been charged with. He told me with deep sincerity he scrubbed that bathroom right after the incident regardless – even more meticulously – scraping his friend’s ruby red blood and other bodily remnants from the tile grout until the whole room sparkled once again.

According to Chopper, the resident psychologist of this facility took this action as definite confirmation of Read’s serious mental illness and commenced electro shock treatment shortly thereafter, which had no effect on him whatsoever. It has since been suggested he suffered Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Aspergers Syndrome.

As Chopper divulged such things, I felt that he came closer to ‘accepting’ me. He didn’t extend affection as such. Nor was he in any way sleazy. If anything, he was simply Chopper parroting the story of his life without fanfare or emotion, and allowing me to listen.

Occasionally he’d laugh gregariously, or say something so politically incorrect that I’ve wiped it from my memory banks. But he also revealed a softer side, reserved only for his sons and wife, Margaret.

He described to me how upset she’d been that Chopper the movie starring Eric Bana had included scenes of domestic violence, which he claimed never happened in reality.

As the night drew to a close, the three of us soon milled outside on the footpath. As a bouncer pumped Chopper’s hand and slapped him on the back, my friend asked if I’d like just one more drink elsewhere, which I declined. As far as I was concerned, there’d already been more than enough excitement for one night. But the Pièce de résistance came when I hailed a taxi; it was then that Chopper cried, “Aw, come on, love! We’re not gonna try and root ya!” The last words I’d ever hear from Chopper Read.

Bestselling author Lana Penrose has published three hilarious, bittersweet travel memoirs set in Greece and London. For more information, please visit www.lanapenrose.com.au or www.amazon.co.uk

UK Life | 5

AustralianTimes.co.uk

It takes a village…

and then some DIFFERENT STROKES > ALEX BLACKIE

Yesterday, Bella and I just reached the bus as it closed its doors so she tapped on them, assuming the driver would let us on. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders and drove off.

As we walked home furious, I told her about her first bus journey in Sydney.

She was exactly two-weeks-old and we were coming home from Westmead hospital with my mother, who was visiting us from the UK. I had Bella in one of those hippy contraptions, like a big green bumpy shawl across my front. She was screaming but so tiny, her screech was strange – hence the frequent visits to the hospital.

As we stepped on the bus, the driver frowned. “No dogs allowed,” he said. Now, I know I’m not Miss

World but still, could someone be so rude? After some confusion, I discovered he’d thought my magical-amazing newborn was a yappy dog tucked against my chest!

When I finally produced scrawny Bella, he nodded embarrassed and was up for a good chat. As he told us his entertaining stories about journeys in Paramatta and Westmead, he asked me where we lived. He checked with the other passengers and with their approval, went off his route, down some small winding roads and delivered us to our doorstep.

Eight years later, we’re still in London despite the bus drivers’ customer service. And that’s partly because here we have uncovered a gem, one of London’s many

villages, invisible to single me eleven years ago.

Amongst the frenzied crowds of our urban life, tucked between the betting shops and pawnbrokers is this world of friends, shopkeepers, vicars, teachers and chemists - all caring for families like mine, all sharing the daily grind. It’s a free banana for Bella one day, a consoling conversation for me on another.

Sometimes there are platitudes but mostly just friendships which I never expected to find here.

Sadly, this is accompanied by the realities of any mixed-continent family. Wherever we are, we’ll always be far from one of our families, from one of our homes.

For the moment, it’s Lawza’s turn to spend hours on the phone at

random times of the day, browsing at birthday pictures on Facebook. We’re slowly accepting that we may never know where will we ‘settle’ and our families have stopped asking us “will you ever go back?” or “when are you coming home?”

As the weather gets colder and we see pictures of Bella’s cousins at the beach, we wonder whether we’ve got it right. But then we realise we’ll probably never get it right. Instead, we’ll continue to just enjoy each day as it comes, wherever it comes, but probably not on a London bus.

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Times they are a-changin’

n The

measure of being all grown up is changing as more people chose moving around, instead of settling down.

> Jacqui Moroney

rating 40 years! b e l e C 1973-2013

TOPDECK 1973

2013

EBR

CEL

After a recent update from a good friend ‘back home’, hubby commented that some of our de facto couple friends seem to be more married than us. They are putting down roots, buying houses, developing their careers, renovating on their weekends and saving for a perfect couch or polished floorboards.

Slightly jealous of their grown up lives, it made me think about where we are and where we want to be when the time comes for us to settle.

But right now, the entire thought of settling down in one place for the rest of my life frightens me beyond reason. Is this just me?

Of course, I am happy to leave adolescence behind, and I like to think I am a sensible and responsible young woman. But I also believe being grown up is different to what it was 100 years ago, 50 years ago and even 20 years ago. Perhaps the norm doesn’t have to be to grow up, get married, buy a house and have kids?

TV sitcoms and numerous films feature comic stereotypes of adults acting like juveniles and still relying on their parents for financial and emotional support. In real life there are an increasing number of men and women in their late 20s, or even early 30s, still living at home with parents. There has been a cultural shift, but it doesn’t mean there is a loss of aspiration for independence or reluctance to grow up.

According to wikiHow’s How to Grow Up, the steps to follow to grow up include becoming financially independent, becoming emotionally independent, stop being selfish, stop being a doormat (unless you are selfish), realise life is not fair, take responsibility for yourself, and plan your future. While I don’t treat wikianything as gospel, it is interesting

to note there is nothing there about buying a house and having kids.

For many people, buying a house is considered one of life’s greatest achievements and the most appealing aspect is the idea of putting down roots and taking ownership of a property you can live in as you please. What if you don’t want to ‘put down roots’? What if you would rather the greater flexibility and freedom renting offers? For me, buying a house would be more for the benefits of property investment or long term financial stability.

According to numerous studies, cognitive development, judgment, emotional maturity and hormonal activity continues into your early 20s.

Child psychologists are increasing the age range of the children they work with from 0-18 to 0-24. Even the Obama administration implemented a rule in 2010 allowing “children” up to 26 to remain on their parents’ health insurance.

Traditional milestones such as finishing education, graduating from college, establishing careers, living on your own, getting married and having children are taking longer to reach.

Not because they are unachievable, but probably because the culture and values have changed. Rather than being a prerequisite to becoming an adult, marriage and rearing children are now life-style choices.

Our generation seems to enjoy busy lives and rushing from one thing to the next, but when it comes to life changing choices we are nervous about what we might miss out on as a consequence. So, instead, some of us #neverendinghoneymooners on a #grownupgapyear spend our disposable incomes on travel, leisure activities and life changing experiences. We are financially and emotionally independent, we realise life is not fair, we take responsibility for ourselves and we plan our foreseeable future. We know growing old is mandatory, but ‘growing up’ is a choice.

A

RS

Honeymooning Nomad

AT I N G 4 0 Y E

6 | UK Life

10

By Poppy Damon

SICK of the blank expressions and crossed wires whilst living overseas?

Sit your British friends down and show them our top ten of Australian slang words the Brits need to adopt.

Woop-woop An ambiguous, non-specific territory halfway between Timbuktu and that place really far away. Us Aussies don’t need a metric system when everything can be scaled on its proximity to woop woop.

Use: Mate I’m not trekking there, he lives in woop-woop.

1

2

Arvo/traino/avo We’ve all been there, eating an avo, in the arvo, on the traino. If only the Brits could understand what we meant.

After all, there’s something so friendly

15-21 October 2013

Aussie slang words to teach your British friends

about putting an ‘o’ on everything.

David from the office needs to embrace the fact that he will be, forever, and to all Australians: Davo.

Use: What are you up to this arvo Davo? I’m heading to the bottle-o via the servo.

3

Goon bag Probably our greatest national contribution to the world of innovation and design.

Australians may have invented the refrigerator and mechanical clippers, but the goon bag is far greater. It is he who protects our cask wine, and he who serves as many nights entertainment as we string him up to the washing line for yet another game of ‘goon of fortune’.

And just how many nights has he served as a pillow, when we inflate the little bag with air to rest our drunken heads at the end of the evening?

The Brits have it all wrong: drinking

& the Indigeneity Project at Royal Holloway, University of London

fruity drinks with bits of mint getting stuck in your teeth (Pimms) - not cool and so expensive. They need to embrace the technological advancement - we have invented the wheel! Goon bags, we salute you.

Use: Are you going to Davo’s on Saturday? Don’t forget the goon bag.

4

Bogan Brits will tell you that they have chavs, and we have bogans, but this is not a fair comparison. The term chav may mask some serious class hatred here in England (standing for Council-Housing Anti-Social Vermin), whilst bogan is an affectionate term we throw at our mates when they’re rocking a mullet, being overly patriotic or drinking cheap, luke-warm beer from a footy-themed stubbie. We are all bogans sometimes, it is a word which unites not divides.

Use: Ah, ya bogan.

5

Bucks If you say you have ten bucks in your pocket, you may receive a strange look - Brits may envisage you with 10 male-deer with large horns protruding from your pants. But ‘bucks’ is in fact a one-sizefits-all, non-nation specific, term for coin. Whether it be yen or euro, it’s always a buck to us. It’s an essential term for travelling as it can be super confusing when trying to remember whether you owe someone a pound or a koruna. Or was it a quid? Is that the same thing? Who can keep track anymore?

Use: I’m going to pop some tags, I got twenty bucks in my pocket.

6

Undies vs Pants vs Trousers What’s so damn confusing? Briefs, undies, jocks, tighty whities, boxers! Pants are what you swap shorts for if you’re going somewhere fancy (fancy pants?).

Trousers are so pompous - they’re bland and dull. Pants are fun, they can be flared, they can be corduroy. It’s a pants party.

Use: I’m not wearing any undies under my pants today.

Explore the worldʼs indigenous cultures Aboriginal Australian, Māori & Pacific Islands Music * Theatre * Dance * Film * Exhibition Food * Ceremony * Talks October 23 – November 3 & November 27-29 www.originsfestival.com

7

Bordies and Bathers Seriously, just ask a British male what they call their swim shorts - they are so primitive they haven’t even got a word for it. Instead of the beautiful unisex and all-style encompassing word of ‘bathers’, they only have ‘swimming suits’ or ‘swimming costumes’. This conjures up the image that they are sporting some kind of bow-tie-speedolycra combination, a three-piece made of spandex. How can you have a swimming SUIT? Bathers encompass the tankini, bikini, bordies, rashies and anything else one may choose to swim in.

Use: Surf’s up, let me just grab my bathers.

8

Ranga Officially being adopted into the new edition of the Australian Oxford Dictionary, what started as a schoolyard insult has now entered the official Aussie lexicon. There’s something quite literary, if not offensive, in referring to someone with red hair as a ranga, likening them to an Orangutan. We are poets really.

Use: “A Ranga sir. Cause he’s got red hair” (Jonah Takalua - Summer Heights High)

9

Thongs When Sisqo released his 90s hit ‘Thong Song’, while the rest of the world bore all in skimpy bather bottoms

Aussies everywhere took off their shoe and waved it proudly in the air as the chorus sang ‘shake that thong’.

If only Brits would adopt the correct vernacular, we’d stop this g-string, flip-flop confusion.

Use: Oh no, I’ve had a blow-out on my thong, and they’re my favourite pair!

10

Dag Nowhere else in the world would the poo that hangs off of a sheep’s bottom be used as a casual insult by people everywhere. A dag is a dork, a lamo, a silly person.

Use: When someone enters a room with the tag of their clothes out, one would say, ‘hey mate, you’re being a tag-dag’.

Food & Wine | 7

AustralianTimes.co.uk

The burgers are best at SLABS London

By Alex Ivett It seems you can’t swing a cow in London these days without hitting a burger joint. From high-end deconstructed gourmet fare through to the slop it together, wrap it in paper and hand it over the counter, there are a myriad of options, in a multitude of settings, for those who just want to get their hands on a piece of meat wrapped in a bun.

Deciding just which option to pick when the craving hits is more difficult. Take a recent visit to a much-lauded recently-opened outpost of an American chain in central London. A one-hour wait to order before seating resulted in a sloppily made, cheese-coated greasy imitation of a burger. I could have gone to a fast-food joint for the same outcome, with much less fuss.

It is perhaps both the blessing and the curse of the single-dish restaurant. Advertising yourself as a specialist in one particular type of food can make customers hone in on you when they’re craving that offering, but it also means you may only have one chance to get it right.

Stuff up your signature dish, and you’ve effectively cancelled out your own reason for existence.

Luckily SLABS London pulls off the specialty menu. Technically SLABS – Steak, Lobster and Burgers – has a number of options for those looking for variety, but it’s the burgers offered up as the prize. A family-run restaurant in the heart of Marylebone, it promises

classic dishes made with seasonal ingredients and a selection of burgers which sets it apart from the capital’s other burger joints.

SLABS caters mainly to the afterwork crowd, or the quick and easy lunch for the busy office folk in the area. On a busy Friday night, the interior of exposed white brick walls, leather banquettes and quirky knot rope lights dangling over a long granitetopped bar could provide a stylish backdrop to a few burgers and cocktails with friends. However, on a quiet autumn weekday evening the slate grey and steel lends it a slightly cold edge.

A friendly waiter warms the tone, explaining the menu in detail and bringing us a bottle of a crisp, very drinkable house Sauvignon Blanc.

I’m also tempted by the cocktails, which are visually represented on a flavour compass – from sweet to sour, and fruity to strong – before becoming distracted by the starters.

I must admit, I had pre-judged SLABS as primarily a burger restaurant, and wasn’t expecting to be impressed by the nonmeat offerings. The two seafood starters certainly challenge my preconceptions, and are enough in themselves to satisfy any dining companions who are not fellow burger enthusiasts. The salt & pepper chilli squid is a substantial pile of lightly fried squid pieces.

The sweet chilli dressing is tangy, fresh and full of flavour – fleshed out with coils of cucumber, sliced chilli and spring onion. The pan-fried tiger prawns are wellpresented – thick, fleshy prawns sliced down the middle and served with a garlic and brandy jus sauce.

Now – the burgers. Leaving the steaks for another time, the burger menu offers the usual beef, chicken and veggie options. However, it is the Wagyu Burger and Spanish Burger we’re recommended, and who are we to argue with authority. Both burgers come out on slate plates, so thick with extras they’re offered up as two halves – begging the age-old question, to eat with your hands, or a knife and fork? My dining companion dives right in, declaring the Spanish Burger patty of chorizo sausage and prime beef ‘deliciously chorizo-y’.

Combined with melted mancego cheese, Serrano ham and a garlic mayo sauce, it quickly becomes a messy, flavoursome mess in his hands.

I attack my Wagyu Burger like a lady, trying to get a bit of everything – the prime beef, shiitake mushroom, tangy Asian slaw and wasabi mayo spread on the toasted sesame bun – all on my fork with every bite. It’s a genuinely great burger, and well-deserving of its name as house specialty. A side of thick hand-cut triple-cooked chips are just that – perfectly crisp chunky

pockets of potato.

How there is possibly still room for desert is one of life’s mysteries, but a recommendation of pancakes is well worth making space for. Thinly cooked pancakes are deliciously soaked in thick caramel sauce and topped with sliced bananas, crunchy walnuts and walnut ice cream. Yet again proving, there is still life left in simple classics made with appreciation for interesting flavours.

SLABS London is open Monday to Saturday 11am – Midnight and Sunday lunch at 19 New Cavendish Street, London W1G 9TZ. See Slabslondon.com for bookings.

PLUS GUESTS FLAP!

SUNDAY 20th OCTOBER

O2 ACADEMY BRIXTON LONDON Tickets available through:

TICKETWEB.CO.UK / 0844 477 2000

8 | Entertainment

15-21 October 2013

Humphries’ Last Hurrah

n

With a career spanning more than half a century, Barry Humphries has been a godfather-like figure in the Australian entertainment scene, with his work leaving an undeniable impact on theatregoers, critics and fans the world over. KIEL EGGING sits down with the veteran entertainer to discover why some of his most famous characters - most notably the unforgettable Dame Edna Everage - will be making their final curtain call in London’s West End this winter.

This is it.

The Gladys are being pruned for the final time, the purple wig is ready, and those infamously glitzy glasses are getting a polish.

Arguably one of Australia’s biggest exports of a generation, Barry Humphries, is calling it a day.

And it’s here, in a Holburn office not far from the West End - an area where his raw talents have shone for decades - the legendary comedian tells me his upcoming farewell tour is exactly what it says on the tin.

There will be no ‘Farnsie’-like comeback for Dame Edna Everage, his Moonee Ponds housewife character who has become a cult hit around the globe - and the star of his new show Eat Pray Laugh!, which opens at London’s Palladium on 13 November.

Nor will there be future outings for his other characters Sandy Stone and cultural attache’ the Honorable Sir Les Patterson, who star in the first act of the show.

So, why is he pulling up stumps? For a 79-year-old, Humphries is looking pretty shmick for his age - he’s here decked out in a crisp white shirt, grey suit pants and a beige hat with a pink ribbon around it.

He’s quick to quip he’s not retiring Edna and his other characters because he’s sick of shaving his legs (“I’ve never made huge concessions for femininity!”) and donning the eyeliner

every night. He also insists he may do other spots of work as an actor sometime in the future.

Instead, it’s a hate of hotels and an urge to do more painting and write some books which led to his decision.

“I haven’t had enough, it’s just the touring. It’s going from one city to another, going to hotels and things and not having any kind of settled base.

And I’m sick of doing that.

“I thought, I’m going to do this farewell show, it’s got to be the best show I’ve ever done, it’s got to be.

“It’s not going to be a Johnny Farnham. This is it, and I hope all my Australian friends will come.

Humphries will arrive for his stint in London after dates in other UK centres including Edinburgh, Cardiff and Milton Keynes.

The city is one which he’s had an association with for more than half a century, having first arrived here in the 60’s, trying to get his big break.

He wholeheartedly believes it was the best thing he did both personally and professionally.

“I was starting to have a bit of success with some tapes I made in Melbourne, I had invented a couple of characters, and I was getting a taste for it. And I thought now is the time to start anew, because otherwise I won’t have the courage to.”

He believes the changes which have taken place in the city, and the cultural

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development of the Australian expat scene over the years has been pretty dramatic.

“When I first came to London, I didn’t live in Earls Court...it was known as ‘Kanagaroo Valley’ back then.

“All the Australians lived in the one area, they would huddle together burning gumleaves and winge about the poms. They’d all go to Australia House to read the Australian newspapers and the Women’s Weekly, and some of them would never even meet an English person at all.

“And I thought, when I come here, I’ll never live at Earl’s Court. I’ll stay in London even if I’m unemployed, because if I start going to the provinces, I’ll never get out of them. My aim is to be in the West End of London so I’ll stay here until I have to.”

Humphries admits to going through “a lot of blood sweat and tears, right from the first show I did here”, trying to make his mark on the West End. “Nobody had heard of me, and I was out of work for a long time. In the 60’s I was in musicals, the original Oliver...

Spike Milligan...and I was in other people’s shows too and got to meet a lot of people doing so.

“People start dying when you get older, then all of a sudden from being unknown and struggling, people come up to me and tell me I’m a legend and an icon, and I’m thinking, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

“And now, I’m at the Paladium!”

Ever the salesman, Humphries insists Eat Pray Laugh! is his finest body of work, billing it as “a return to the West End after a 15 year absence” offering something genuinely different every evening.

For starters, “Les is doing a cooking demonstration on stage”, and Dame Edna Everage has apparently “got some Eastern philosophy to part with the audience.”

“I think it’s my strongest show, there’s lots of variety in it, and I’ve tried and tested it on that long Australian tour last year,” Humphries says.

“It will be a very complete sort of entertainment, a lot of dancing, singing, costumes and spectacular sets.

“There are some big issues discussed, people might come one night and it’ll be very different from the night before.”

Indeed, the star of the show is Dame Edna Everage, the Moonee Ponds housewife who has become a cult figure, adored by audiences all over the world.

And Humphries admits even in retirement, a part of Edna and her characteristics will always stay with him.

“I think I’ve always got a soft spot for old Edna, she’s inescapable,” he says.

“She means well, and I thought at first she’d only interest Australian audiences, but she seems to be liked even in an alien culture like New

York.”

While he doesn’t exactly share the same thoughts or opinions as his alter ego, Humphries believes Edna’s development and impact over the years has been remarkable - listing the Tony Award for 2000’s The Royal Tour on Broadway as her finest moment.

“I don’t agree with a single thing Edna says, but she has a wonderful way of expressing things about life, she’s the alternative point of view,” he says.

“I think she’s changed totally, she’s now really powerful, and since Margaret Thatcher isn’t with us, Edna’s probably one of the most powerful women in the world.”

With Dame Edna calling it a day, I ask Humphries who he would like to pass her famous Gladys on to, to carry the hopes and dreams of Australian comedy and theatre.

And three well-known local names come to mind - Gina Riley and Jane Turner (aka Kath and Kim), Eddie Perfect and Chris Lilley.

“I’m a big fan of people like Kath and Kim (Riley and Turner), those girls are brilliant. And I like Eddie Perfect...

Shane Warne the Musical was brilliant.

And then the other guy who did Summer Heights High, Chris Lilley...fantastic.

“I’d share them (the Gladys) with all of them. They are original, they see the world freshly with their own humour, and they’re world class performers. I hope they can spread the success.”

Humphries admits it’s “extraordinary” that he’s been able to carve out a career beyond half a century. He cheekily suggests those who want to do the same don’t play too much sport.

“The main thing is I don’t play

sport...athletic activity is the No.1 killer, all the people I knew at school who were good at sport are dead!”

I suggest to him that entertainment is the spice of life, and he agrees.

“It’s healthy exercise, people are using laughter in a world which is increasingly worrying.

“This is the No.1 job... you have a job of communicating entertainment and enjoyment, it’s perfect.”

After the London stint - which will run until January next year Humphries will take Eat Pray Laugh! to a few more UK cities before heading for a season in New York. There’s also a possibility of one last farewell concert in Australia.

If so, Dame Edna’s hometown of Melbourne appears to have a good chance of getting another glimpse of the comedian - as it is a city which Humphries admits is always a part of him and has been so influential to his material.

“The world I describe is Melbourne, everything I do is really about Melbourne,” he said.

“I think if you can describe a small world in great detail, everyone else will believe in it. You might have Moonee Ponds in Melbourne, we’ve got Wembley here.

“And you know, Melbourne is in the blood, no matter where you go, whether you like it or not, that’s where we come from.”

Eat Pray Laugh! - Barry Humphries’ Farewell Tour is on at the London Palladium, 8 Argyle Street, London W1F 7TF from 13 November. For tickets and more information visit www.dameednafarewell.com.

Entertainment | 9

AustralianTimes.co.uk

What’s On Jimeoin 17 October @Fairfield Hall Cloud Control 17 October @O2 Academy Brixton San Cisco 17 October @Scala The Cat Empire 20 October @O2 Academy Sheppard 21 October @12 Bar Club Ball Park Music 23 October @The Water Rats Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds 26 - 28 October @Hammersmith Apollo Sarah Blasko 1 December @Islington Assembly Hall

For full details... ...and more Aussie gigs go to: AustralianTimes.co.uk/entertainment

See what we are following this week on

Hook, line and sinking commended in Wildlife Photographer of the Year A STRIKING photo by Australian photographer Justin Gilligan has been commended in this year’s Wildlife Photographer of the Year Competition.

Co-owned by the Natural History Museum London and BBC Worldwide, the competition is fiercely contested, this year attracting almost 43,000 entries from across 96 countries.

The commended image, Hook, line and sinking, will sit among 100 awe-inspiring photographs to form the acclaimed exhibition debuting at the Natural History Museum in October, before embarking on a UK and international tour.

The exhibition, which also features the eagerly anticipated winning and runner-up images, reveals the astonishing richness and diversity of life on our planet while highlighting the fragility of nature.

Now in its 49th year, the Wildlife Photographer of the Year Competition attracts entries from professionals and amateur photographers alike.

Judged by a panel of industryrecognised professionals, the images are selected for their creativity, artistry and technical complexity.

The Wildlife Photographer of the Year Competition runs from 18 October 2013 until 23 March 2014 at the Natural History Museum in London. Tickets are £12. See nhm.ac.uk/wpy.

Sound check: Ball Park Music

n @GorritzG "Aussie" is a slang word though ... @AussieOzzie What's a Brumby : a wild horse ..another aussie slang lesson @BondiAustralia a bluey=a cattle dog..aussie slang :) @BondiAustralia havin a barbie= having a BBQ=having a barbeque... another aussie slang lesson! @SydneyOz Yes it's that time...I'm hitting the hay=going to sleep ..another lesson in aussie slang for you! @an_oddity4h if we get maccas i'll shout #aussieslang @AussieOzzie Booze bus : police vehicle used for catching drunk drivers.. aussie slang lesson :) for you @OprahOZstralia again an aussie slang lesson >>> Bloke : man, guy @OZaustralian Bloody oath! : that's certainly true !! aussie slang lesson :) ha

Follow us on Twitter @AustralianTimes

Hook line and sinking by Justin Gilligan commended in Wildlife Photographer of the Year Competition.

Ball Park Music will test the UK music scene waters when they play at The Water Rats on 23 October.

TRIPLE J Unearthed band Ball Park Music is heading to London to test out their sound on the UK scene.

The five piece rock band, formed in Brisbane in 2008, have been enjoying a solid rise in the Australian music scene following the release of their debut album Happiness and Surrounding Suburbs in 2011. It made the ARIA charts, and Ball Park Music were named Triple J’s Unearthed band of the year.

Two singles off the debut album landed on Triple J’s Hottest 100 for 2011, with “It’s Nice To Be Alive” at #31 and “All I Want Is You” at #38.

The band consists of frontman Sam Cromack (guitar/vocals), Jennifer Boyce (bass, backing vocals), Paul Furness (keys, trombone), and twins Dean Hanson (guitar, bass, backing vocals) and Daniel Hanson (drums,backing vocals).

In October, 2012, the band released their sophomore album Museum.

On their Facebook profile they state: “We like to sing about drinking and sex and driving up and down the coast with your mums and/or dads and seeing beautiful big rivers or maybe a house that makes you think of growing up.

“People say our music is happy.

I'm not sure if we set out to do exactly that, but we're chuffed nevertheless.”

Ball Park Music is playing at The Water Rats on Wednesday 23 October 2013. See ticketweb or wegottickets for tickets.

10 | Entertainment

15-21 October 2013

Holding a mirror up to London society

nAhead of his first London exhibition at La Galleria in Pall Mall, renowned Australian artist Charles Billich tells Gareth Mohen it’s the people inhabiting this city, which he finds most interesting, and artistic.

Elation rings down the phone as artist Charles Billich describes his re-discovered love of London.

He normally visits at least once a year, but is in praise that the city is becoming the latest vibrant art market making it a perfect time for his first London exhibition, at La Galleria in Pall Mall.

“I love the street art,” Billich says.

“I love the performers and the installations around London – the

variety of sub cultures around London.

“And I have to capture London’s life also in an anthropologist’s way; you know the people; what goes on in London; the way people are having fun; the way they behave and what they wear.”

Billich’s latest cityscape, featuring in this exhibition, highlights the importance of the river to the people of London.

But in turn it is the people themselves that he finds to be the most interesting.

“I have to become more interested in London because London is very attractive from the point of view of the beautiful landmarks and the life that goes with the landmarks – the population around the landmarks.

“I put the people populating a place first before any landmarks.”

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For a man who is known also for his large body of erotic artworks, he certainly has his eye out for a particular group of people.

“I like to zero on the figure and in my collection at the moment, there’s a lot of figurative work that uses mirrors to capture the spirit, particularly the female spirit of the elegant London lady.

“Having said that, I see a lot of elegance in London.

“Perhaps it’s even the epicentre of elegance in the world – very fashionable.”

It’s Billich’s anthropological spirit which has seen him capture the famous and the everyman in his works.

The spirit capturing mirrors can be seen in a recent portrait he painted of Michael Jackson that garnered much attention for the portrait’s style.

“I believe I have to paint the rest of the Jackson family because they were taken by that picture.”

It is this obsession with capturing human spirit that will also lead Billich to soon paint a huge wedding of 1000 brides and grooms – a project that he jokes will require him to add a couple of years to his life.

Along with his ongoing paintings, Billich is hoping to launch more exhibitions in London in the coming years.

“London is becoming a vibrant art market in the sense a lot of collectors from other countries and other continents come to London to buy art,” he says.

“It used to be the prerogative of Italy and France but I think the art market is shifting towards London now. The whole thing is quite cyclical.”

The exhibition runs until Saturday 19 October at La Galleria, 30 Royal Opera Arcade, Pall Mall, London SW1Y 4UY.

Travel | 11

AustralianTimes.co.uk

Image by Matt Paish

n

A sucker for punishment and stringent guided tours, AMY PATERSON walks the fine line in the Korean Demilitarized Zone, one of the most heavily guarded borders in the world.

I was sitting in the back of a bus on my way to North Korea. A tour of the border between North and South can be purchased for about one hundred Australian dollars and you even get to visit an amethyst factory at the end. Bargain.

The bus was full of Japanese tourists and the English-speaking minority were crammed up the back with our English-speaking guide. There were no South Korean tourists; they rarely take the tour.

If South Koreans do wish to experience it they must apply six months in advance and have their background thoroughly checked. I wondered if they were disinterested or just never got around to it, like Australians with Uluru.

Our guide had a very touristfriendly name: Mr. Kim, who chatted to us about The Forgotten

War as we hurtled through the outskirts of Seoul: Brown trees, brown land and a coat of mist making it look more mysterious.

Suddenly we turned off the highway and the whole bus knew we had arrived.

Mr. Kim started nodding. “Yes, take a look.” There were gates.

There were soldiers running to and fro. We were on our approach to the most heavily guarded border in the world: The DMZ – the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea.

Is that a gun in your pocket?

As soon as we reached the first passport check (there were four) members of the South Korean military boarded the bus and I said to the American girl next to me “They’ve got guns.” She was from New York, and thought I’d

lost the plot, but being a naïve Australian who’s never seen a gun in her life (except maybe on chubby policemen in Kings Cross) I was in for some lessons in military procedure.

Even the sight of men in army gear was confronting in itself. The barrel of one of these guns came within centimeters of my knee as a guard leant across me to check someone’s passport. Giant barbed gates swung open as our bus passed each checkpoint. Young, slender soldiers peered into our bus from beneath, holding their guns ready.

They all wore yellow-tinted nerd glasses for some reason – possibly to shied from shrapnel, another passenger supposed.

I wondered what they thought of all this; these buses of tourists getting ready to experience a war zone from a safe distance.

Rules are made to be broken Mr. Kim took us through the rules. We were told not to point or make sudden hand gestures in case the North Koreans thought we were holding guns or throwing grenades. There would be many times when photos were strictly not allowed. We had been warned before the trip not to wear army fatigues (thank goodness they made that clear) but jeans weren’t allowed either. We were not to step into North Korea at any time (again, good to be clear) and we would not hold anyone responsible if we were captured or caught up in military action.

When we got off the bus we were escorted around several

‘sights’. Young US soldiers joined the Korean ones and herded us along. The first stop was the border. We walked through a large, ornate building where officials watched us closely but seemed to have nothing much to do. We went up some stairs to a viewing platform outside, and we could now see North Korea.

I immediately got into trouble as I nudged my companions and said “Look, it’s North Korea” and gave it a good pointing. I did this a couple of times – as it turns out it’s really hard not to point at things. People grabbed hold of my arms as if I was about to be gunned down at any moment.

After that I was pretty much ostracized from the group. ...continued on p12

12 | Travel

15-21 October 2013

Image by Expert Infantry

Your side, my side

*

The scene before us was surreal.

There are seven buildings sitting on the border, which is marked by a raised cement line running down their centre. Meetings are usually held in the middle building; the South Koreans and Americans sitting in South Korea and the North Koreans in North Korea. Just so it’s clear, there’s a line running down the middle of the table and the room as well. This middle building was where the armistice was signed. No official peace treaty was signed so this is why the two sides are still very much ‘at war.’ We were allowed to walk around the big table, so I have walked into North Korea, albeit very quickly, giving the guard my best ‘I’m not looking for trouble’ face.

We had opportunities to take photos

with the soldier who guards the room.

He looked just like all the others; a serious fellow who stands with his hands by his sides, fists clenched.

This stance is a starting Tae Kwon Do position, and the clenched fists a sign of readiness. His face is hidden by reflective Ray Bans, which are, I’m told, to hide his eyes so his enemies can’t see where he is looking. As bizarre as it sounds, he was bloody scary. In my photo ‘with’ him, I am five meters away from the guy.

I suppose the ‘taking a picture’ guard is luckier than the guards who have to guard the border. They stand behind the buildings exposing only one side of their bodies with one

*Trips for 18yo and over

Image by Matt Paish

Ray-Baned eye staring at the North Korean guard doing the same from his side. Pretty tense.

On the North Korean side you can see guards walking around in front of a big marble building and some of them look over at us with binoculars.

I didn’t point them out for safety reasons.

Stay where I can see you

As we continue on what is becoming increasingly like a Disney ride, I notice the Koreans have a knack for naming things. First we see the ‘Bridge of No Return’ which was used for prisoner exchange after the war. Prisoners could choose to stay in the country they were captured or cross the bridge, but as the name suggests, their decision was final. We then visited the ‘Axe-murder Tree Memorial’ which is in memory of two US soldiers being gunned down whilst pruning a poplar tree. Next is the Dora Observatory where we get to look out through large binoculars at the brown nothingness that is the DMZ. We are told the mist will obstruct

our view but miraculously the mist clears for our groups as if waiting for the guide’s cue. The winter landscape was a forest of endless crooked trees with red tinges. There is nothing to see but these close-knit trees, hiding generous sprinklings of landmines. It is as if the scenery knows it’s a war zone, and should look as scary as possible.

Travel | 13

AustralianTimes.co.uk

Image byExpert Infantry

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Lastly, we get a taste of a Guinness World Record North Korean style.

Evidently, North Korea has done it; they have beaten South Korea in at least one way. They have the tallest flagpole in the world. In the 1980s the South erected a 98.4 meter high flagpole to fly their flag near the border. So, the North erected a 160 meter one. This is the tallest flagpole

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Image by Expert Infantry

in the world. Congratulations. The flag on it is so huge and heavy that when it rains the flag must be immediately taken down otherwise the flagpole could buckle under its weight and fall over. In fact, the flag cannot even fly in a stiff breeze.

It seems to sum up North Korean perfectly; full of grand ideas but not actually working.

The gift shop at the end of the tour (yes, gift shop) sells Ray Bans and shot glasses. A place like this can’t possibly exist, behind the mist surely there’s a director yelling ‘That’s not how you hold binoculars menacingly!’ It’s all a set; the soldiers, all actors in rented uniforms.

After a day all about division, our last stop (before the amethyst shop) was the Dorasan train station.

The station has been built in the event that the North and South run a train between the countries. It’s all a final show. The station is aglow with fluorescent lights and there are soldiers and ticket ladies waiting to greet us. Even digital timetable boards are working: Seoul to Pyongyang leaving from track zero.

There are of course, no scheduled departures.

AUSTM13_40 14 Oct

“Don’t run off into the bushes” warns Mr. Kim. Not that I was ever temped; landmines and men in watchtowers pointing machine guns is not my idea of fun. Looking through the binoculars on our platform I see a man staring back at me from behind his gun and he doesn’t look happy. I’m not sure if I’m glad the mist cleared or not. After thinking it was all a bit ridiculous, I now feel very unsafe.

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14 | Returning to Oz

15 - 21 October 2013

Dollar Review

Aussie fights back in uncertain times

By Elizabeth Britz Last week saw the Australian dollar claim back lost ground as it rallied against the British pound and Euro. The Aussie Greenback battle was highly volatile last week due to uncertainty creeping into the market around US debt ceiling policy reviews. Monday saw the same trends continuing from last week with the Aussie trading at 1.6891 to the pound and 1.0577 to the US dollar.

Monday saw the release of Australian home loans data with the first drop in home loan approvals for 2013. A short weakening trend was seen this morning against most of the Aussie counterparts until the release of Chinese inflation data. The Chinese Consumer Price Index was higher than expected at 3.1% which helped to boost the SHCOMP (Shanghai Stock Exchange Composite Index) by 0.6 percent. Low trading levels are expected today due to the banking holiday in the US. The US debt repayment deadline has finally arrived this week and will see a decline in volatility once a decision is

made by the US Senators. Talks are set to reconvene later today with voting to take place at 6:30pm in Washington.

Friday will see the release of Chinese economic data early in the Asian trading session. Economists expect a small increase in GBP growth, industrial production and retail sales. China is Australia’s biggest trading partner and positive news out of China will help boost the Aussie.

Exchange rates GBP/AUD: 1.6892 EUR/AUD: 1.4338 USD/AUD: 1.0577 NZD/AUD: 0.8823 08:18 GMT, 14 October 2013

Note: The above exchange rates are based on “interbank” rates. If you want to transfer money to or from Australia then please register/login on our website, or call us on 0808 141 2335 for a live dealing rate. Make use of a Rate Notifier to send you alert when the Australian exchange rate reaches levels you are looking for.

Honey, I’m home n

After living overseas for three years MELISSA TOWNSEND returned to a different kind of Australia, but quickly realised there really is no place like home.

“Faeces? People actually pay for faeces?” I ask my boyfriend incredulously as we approach a farm outside Wangaratta in country Victoria selling ‘moo poo’ at bargain prices.

“Of course, it’s great fertiliser,” he replies, with a don’t-you-knowanything look on his face.

Hello country Victoria, goodbye city life.

Never in a million years would I have seen a sign like that back home on the Gold Coast, but this was only the first of many discoveries I would make in the coming weeks.

My boyfriend and I had decided to move to Porepunkah after three years of overseas travelling, and this was day one of my new life in the country.

As I inspected the ominous-looking bags of dung from my car window, I began to have doubts.

I had visited my partner’s family in Porepunkah a couple of times before, but I was a city mouse, through and through.

Thoughts nagged away at my brain.

Why was I here? Would I fit in?

How could I go from living in London (our most recent base), with a population of more than eight

million, to a town of around one thousand?

I looked sceptically at my boyfriend and nodded. “Moo poo, got it.”

The first couple of days in ‘Punkah’ as it is affectionately known, were a bit of a shock to the system.

Walking to the neighbour’s property to use the internet and having to don a pair of gumboots to traverse the garden were certainly new experiences for me.

After riding a rollercoaster of emotions, I was feeling rather strange during my first week back in Australia.

The excitement of hearing the Aussie accent again, and having easy access to Milo and Vegemite quickly faded.

However, after one month back home I have had many wonderful new experiences.

The main thing I have noticed about living in country Victoria is how genuinely lovely the people are who live here.

They actually say ‘hi’ to one another in the street, they smile at you on the bike track and have a chat with you in the local library.

There is friendly banter everywhere,

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Melissa trades in her London high-heels for a pair of gumboots

and it never seems rushed because of business meetings or appointments.

The pace of life is a lot slower than London, but I am coming to love that.

Instead of spending hours of my spare time on the tube, or rushing from A to B to run pointless errands, I am spending more time reading, bike riding, and having quality time with family and friends.

In effect, I am doing more of what I love and with each day I am feeling more at home here.

In a big city, there is always something happening, but here I am learning to make my own fun, and sometimes it’s the best adventure.

I recently read a famous quote by TS Eliot: “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

That’s a little how I feel about Australia these days.

I never really appreciated it before I left, but after three years on the road, including a year in London, I now realise what a magical sunburnt country we have here.

Now when I sing the words to Peter Allen’s ‘I Still Call Australia Home’ I really know what they mean.

Sport | 15

AustralianTimes.co.uk

Settling Rugby World Cup scores

By Michael McCormick The heart wrenching, edge-of-yourseat action that was the last thirty seconds of the 2003 Rugby World Cup Final, is etched into the memories of rugby fans the world over.

Just after 10pm, Sydney time, on November 22, 2003, the golden boot of Johnny Wilkinson provided the winning goal for England crushing the hopes and dreams of a nation.

It has been a decade since that particular World Cup and the game in question may have been put to rest, but the England/Australia rivalry is still well and truly alive.

In celebration of the ten-year anniversary of England’s historic victory, Heathrow Express is sponsoring a legends game between many of the players from the two teams that played in 2003.

The likes of Jason Leonard, Jason Robinson and Martin Corry from England, and Adam Freier, Stirling Mortlock and Warwick Waugh from Australia, will reunite for a match to determine who has kept in the best shape since 2003.

One man in particular who is hungry for a win against England, and thirsty for a post- match beer or two with his team mates, is ex Wallaby scrum half, Chris Whitaker.

Whitaker, who now coaches in

Narbonne, France, admits the loss to England left mental wounds, but they had since healed.

“Everyone was disappointed but after a while you get over it, now we’re looking forward to playing at Twickenham, and some beers after the game,” explained Whitaker.

Whitaker, who played his final game prior to his retirement for the Barbarians against the Wallabies, said he is looking forward to regaining the camaraderie which accompanies international competition.

“My fondest memories of playing with the Wallabies were not running out every game, but more so the little things,” stated Whitaker.

“The atmosphere in the change rooms after a win, celebrations with the team, the streets of Sydney and the reception we had before the 2003 World Cup Final - those are the things that stick with me.”

Proceeds from ticket sales are going towards funding the great work by Restart; the official charity of the Rugby Players Association supporting players who are forced to retire through injury or illness, and the Injured Player’s Foundation; who supports Rugby League players forced out of the game through injury.

“Some of the golden oldies may need the services of the charities after the game, I expect a few of the boys to be quite sore,” joked Whitaker.

A STIRLING PERFORMANCE: Stirling Mortlock in action for the Wallabies during the classic 2003 Rugby World Cup final between Australia and England in Sydney.

England won the game in extra time, 20-17. (AAP Image/Dave Hunt) Whitaker, a very modest man, explained although the game is less serious than the World Cup Final, once the players are out on the field, egos will take over and both teams will be fiercely competing for the win.

“The term ‘legend’ refers to two things; someone who was good at what they did, which is hard to accept, and someone who’s old – I don’t like that either, but bring on the game!”

England take on the Australian Legends on 31 October at Twickenham Stadium.

Tickets are available through www.quins.co.uk/tickets

Strongest contested world cup

Image by Paul Miller

...continued from p16 worked really hard to improve their national side," he said.

"Although they may not have the depth of Australia and New Zealand, in `09 and `11 everyone tipped us to play New Zealand in the Four Nations final and they beat the Kiwis.

"Sam (Burgess) hasn't played since 2010 and in `09 he blew us away.

Although we won in the end it wasn't until we got away from them in the 60th minute.

"He made his name that day and now he's got his brothers and Graham with him. They've spent money preparing and they'll be confident playing at home."

"You can't discount England."

In addition to the traditional

Active Touch in Canary Wharf

By Tracy Andrew

We are at the halfway point in this new Active Touch league at

Canary Wharf. The teams are now understanding the game really well and starting to think tactically. This week saw Canary Dwarfs play Razzle Dazzle which was a cracker of a game. There was end to end action with a touchdown being scored and then the other team responding with a touchdown as well. The game was extremely close but Canary Dwarfs just edged past Razzle Dazzle winning 14-13 in the end.

The next game was played by Individually Active and Look, Don't Touch. There were some great skills shown by Individually Active who they

scored touchdown after touchdown.

Look, Don't Touch tried their best but their opponents were on their best form, winning this game 17-2.

Thanks for some really great touchdowns and spirit shown by all teams and see you all next week for some more action.

If you are interested in joining an Active Touch team or entering a team, our new league starts on the 04 November 2013. Send an email to tracy@in2touch.com to get some more information on active touch or look on our In2touch website www.in2touch.com/uk

powerhouses, Sheens expects a huge impact from nations such as Tonga and Samoa, as well as Fiji - who are also in the Kangaroos' group.

All three sides will have a large NRL contingent in their starting line-ups.

"This will be the strongest contested World Cup," he said.

"With the rules relaxed that you can still play State of Origin or for Australia or New Zealand next year it's thrown out about 125 NRL players in the pool and we're only using 24 of those.

"The standard will go up considerably. This series will be very hard to win and so it should be in a World Cup."

By Ian McCullough (AAP)

Harvey Thorneycroft Ltd

TIME FOR REVENGE! GET BEHIND YOUR TEAM

ENGLAND LEGENDS V AUSTRALIA LEGENDS IN PARTNERSHIP WITH HEATHROW EXPRESS

THURSDAY 31ST OCTOBER 2013 AT THE TWICKENHAM STOOP, KO 7.45PM

Golden point splits Finsbury Park finalists

By Phillip Browne

The weather gods were extremely kind for Try Tag Rugby’s last one day tournament of the year for teams which was held last Saturday, 12 October.

With rain and generally miserable weather before and after the tournament, the weather for the tournament was extremely kind with blue skies throughout the day and no rain to be seen.

The 3rd annual Finsbury Park Tag Rugby Festival was the largest in the tournament’s short history with three trophies up for grabs which were the Cup (top five teams), Plate (teams which finished six to 10) and the Bowl (teams which finished 11th to 16th).

The Cup final was contested between the Westview Warriors and the Southfield Sharks. In the pool stages these teams met and managed a 4-4 draw so the final was looking like it was going to go down to the wire again.

The final didn’t disappoint with some brilliant displays of Tag Rugby across the park. At the conclusion of play, the scores were again locked up at 4-4 which ended with an extra

five minutes of golden point extra time. The Westview Warriors were first to score in golden point extra time and were crowned the 2013 Finsbury Park Tag Rugby champions.

Duck Duck Goose were to strong for House of Flying Taggers in the Plate final and Tag Whackers defeated Tagfins 3-2 in the Bowl final with the match winning try scored in the final 15 seconds of play!

Meanwhile, Try Tag Rugby’s Late Autumn competitions commence from Tuesday, 22 October onwards at the following venues: Barnes,

Battersea Park, Borough, Clapham Common, Holloway (North London), Rotherhithe, Shoreditch Park, Tooting Bec and White City.

Registration is now open for teams and individuals looking to be placed in a team. If you would like to play in a Late Autumn Tag Rugby competition, please register ASAP to avoid missing out on your preferred venue as some venues will run at full capacity.

The leagues cater for all standards of players from the complete beginner to the advanced.

To book tickets to the match, visit the Harlequins website www.quins.co.uk or call the ticket hotline 0871 527 1315

To book tickets to the Official Anniversary Gala Dinner, visit www.rfu.com/tenyearanniversary

To book hospitality visit www.sportingclass.com or email rhysf@sportingclass.com

REMEMBER.RELIVE.REUNITE RUGBY FOOTBALL UNION. THE ENGLAND ROSE IS AN OFFICIAL REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF THE RUGBY FOOTBALL UNION.

ACTIVE TOUCH IN CANARY WHARF In2Touch P15

Who will coach the Socceroos?

SPORT Year off boosts Sheens’ World Cup planning

n Head of the A-League Damien de Bohum says losing either Ange Postecoglou or Graham Arnold to the Socceroos coach job is no worry for the booming league.

By Angela Habashy (AAP) A-League boss Damien de Bohun says the possible loss of two-time championship winning coach Ange Postecoglou to the Socceroos' helm would only be a good thing for the league.

And he says the coming change in Socceroos coach should prove a huge spur for all Australian players in the A-League to push their case ahead of next year's World Cup. Melbourne Victory coach Postecoglou has firmed as a favourite to fill the national team job following German Holger Osieck's sacking while Central Coast's Graham Arnold is also considered a contender.

De Bohun feels it speaks volumes for the rising standard of the A-League that Postecoglou, Australia's most successful domestic coach, and Arnold, who took the Mariners to championship glory last season, are being seriously considered to lead the Socceroos.

And he's not concerned taking one of them away could have a negative impact on the league.

"The standard of coaching has improved dramatically over the seasons," de Bohun said on Monday.

"So to have two of our coaches being mentioned very seriously in consideration to be the next national coach is a very exciting time and I think it only strengthens the league.

"There's a lot of people waiting in the wings for coaching roles in the A-League and it may well create an opportunity if it went that way."

Record numbers in crowd attendance and broadcast audiences were set in the opening round of the A-League.

And, while the Socceroos' backto-back 6-0 drubbings by Brazil and France have caused dismay for fans, de Bohun says it's the A-League's role to re-invigorate supporters.

"The A-League and the Socceroos really work hand in hand," de Bohun said.

"When you look what's happened with the national team and you put it in context of the big picture, we've qualified for the World Cup in Brazil.

"Obviously the preparations against two world-class teams have been difficult but there's a time of change now; there'll be a new coach in place.

"The other great thing from an A-League perspective is that with so much change, every player is going out there who's Australian with an expectation that they are playing for a spot on that plane to Brazil."

A record 100,998 fans flocked to the five matches in the opening round - the highest attendance in a single round - with the grand final replay between the Mariners and the Western Sydney Wanderers at Bluetongue Stadium sold out.

With Adelaide's match against Victory at Hindmarsh on Friday also sold out and the first Sydney derby between Sydney FC and the Wanderers at Allianz Stadium on 26 October on track for a capacity crowd, de Bohun feels records will continue to tumble in this ninth edition of the competition.

"The fans are powering the game in a way that Australian football hasn't seen before," he said. "It has exceeded our expectations.

"This has been a great start ... and we expect it to build from here.

"We do think sellouts will become quite common."

GAME OF LEGENDS

Former Wallaby Chris Whitaker on donning Green & Gold again for RWC rematch | P15 RUGBY REUNITED: Chris Whitaker earned 31 Australia caps and 118 with the Waratahs. He will be wearing the yellow jersey once more in the Legends match in London on 31 October. (AAP Image/Paul Miller)

Kangaroos coach Tim Sheens says the bitter disappointment of being forced out of the Wests Tigers allowed him the time to leave no stone unturned in his preparations for the Rugby League World Cup. Aside from a break of just over a year after departing North Queensland in 2001, Sheens had been in charge of a club side since 1984 before being ousted at the Tigers at the end of last season.

But Sheens, who'll celebrate his 63rd birthday four days after the October 26 tournament opener against England, has found benefits in being a full-time Test coach.

This includes picking the brains of his former assistant coach at the Tigers Peter Gentle, who coached Hull for the last two years and ex-South Sydney mentor Shaun McRae, who's been involved in the UK game in various capacities for much of the last 15 years "I've spoke to Pete, Shaun McRae who's worked over there and David Waite who's assisting in France and have done a lot of research into the English," Sheens said.

"I don't know until they pick their side just who's going to play in that team and where.

"But I know a lot about individuals which I probably wouldn't have the luxury of had I'd been involved in club football.

"I've been able to concentrate on it a lot more, which allows me to put more time in.

"In my five years in the job this will be as best prepared team as I've ever had."

The focus has been very much on New Zealand since Sonny Bill Williams' decision to play in the tournament.

However, Sheens is very wary of the threat of England on home soil and believes Steve McNamara's side will have the confidence they can win a first World Cup since 1972 thanks to their NRL forwards contingent.

"With a full-time coach they've ...continued on p15