Pandemic Stress from a Parent’s View

LIFESPAN Pandemic from a Parent’s View We’ll get through this.

By Francisco Perez As I was kissing my 8-year-old daughter goodnight in April 2020, she asked, “When is this going to end, Daddy? I want to go back to school.”

I’ve heard the question hundreds of times since, from both my daughter and my 12-year-old son. Both are autistic. As their father and provider, I want to give them a correct answer. I don’t want to keep saying “a little while longer” or “it doesn’t look like this year” or “we need to wait until people get their vaccines” because none of these answers are satisfactory. As their father, I want to be able to fix things and make it all better. The truth is that I just don’t know how. This pandemic has me stressed.

I started writing in a journal last summer. I wanted to document all the things going on in Portland, Oregon and the world around us. I would never have predicted I would be writing about COVID-19, protests, marches, wildfires, unemployment, mask mandates, elections, school closures, and failed distance learning attempts. I could never have predicted that I would lose my job and that my 15-year marriage would be strained to the brink. I thought both were rock solid.

I lost my job in May. I worked as a supply chain consultant in the restaurant and food services industry and my job required a lot of West Coast travel. Many of my colleagues and clients had to do mass layoffs, struggle to figure out the Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) loans, or shut down their restaurants completely. There were more expenses for those who stayed in business and more hours worked to earn less pay. The PPP helped some temporarily, but I don’t think anyone thought these shutdowns would last so long. So much for the “incredible 2020 vision” we all had. Can I say here that the year sucked? (Not language I normally use but the alternative from my journal entries is not suitable for a family magazine.)

At the time I began writing, it was an outlet to relieve stress. My intent was not to share what I wrote with anyone. I thought maybe I would share for posterity’s sake in the future, but for the most part, my writing was really negative and depressing. In the beginning of 2020, I thought of myself as a pillar of strength, provider, optimist, and our household’s spiritual leader. By October, I felt like none of these things. I was cynical, grumpy, annoyed, and short-tempered. I was exercising less and eating more. I saw myself as an abject failure.

My wife tries to see the good in any situation. It’s one big reason why I love her. Although she has expressed that she often worries she isn’t doing enough, she’s a great mother and devoted to making sure our children feel accepted, supported, and loved despite what the world throws at them. There have been hardships. Our son did not speak until he was six. Besides being on the spectrum, our daughter has had extended stays at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital. Through it all, my wife has been solid and resourceful and a real prayer warrior.

But even the most resourceful people can come to their tipping points. My wife’s tipping point was trying to balance distance learning with two kids in different schools and working remotely. (She took on a part-time job after I was laid off and couldn’t find work.) Our son started middle school in the fall and had never navigated having multiple periods and teachers before. It had been over 25 years since my wife and I had been in middle school, so it wasn’t exactly fresh in our minds.

Even before the pandemic, we anticipated 6th grade would be challenging. We figured the big issues would be school lockers, changing for gym class, making new friends, and staying on task. Now it’s logging into class daily, trying not to be distracted by his sister or the dog, and turning in schoolwork that’s complete. Our son was used to having a paraprofessional in the classroom to gently keep him on task. That’s non-existent. Having my wife or I try and sit next to him to help if the web camera is on is a total no-go as he doesn’t want to be embarrassed since none of the other students have their parents there.

I know our kids and their teachers are trying hard but I think it’s fair to say that almost all of us are frustrated. This is not an ideal or healthy situation mentally, emotionally, physically or financially.

It frustrates me when people do not take this pandemic seriously. Just because a person may not closely know someone who has gotten seriously ill or died from COVID-19 doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Over 300,000 families in the United States lost loved ones due to COVID-19 in 2020 and yet strangely, there are still naysayers. My wife and I stopped going on Facebook because there was so much divisiveness, blaming and ego-driven selfishness showing up in our timelines.

I have family members across the country who are healthcare heroes risking their lives every day. My wife and I have older parents who are in high-risk categories. Except for Zoom calls, we haven’t been able to see them in almost a year. Our kids adore them and that has added to this pandemic stress too, the fear of losing a parent or grandparent to coronavirus.

I don’t say all of these things to complain or say woe is me. I am very cognizant that so many people out there have it worse and that our family is blessed to have a roof over Continued on next page16

our heads and decent health. We did visit the food bank a few times. We did apply for utility assistance. We did charge up on our credit cards more than we would have liked while waiting for unemployment money to come through. Doing these things, I initially felt ashamed. I was embarrassed to admit my pride was hurt when I lost my job and unable to find a replacement.

As I alluded to earlier, by the time October 2020 rolled around, I felt lower than I had before. Pandemic stress had me burned out. Because I felt like I was letting my kids and wife down, I spiraled further into depression.

And then something happened where I started to feel just a little bit better. My wife and I started online marriage coaching and counseling. Instead of quietly sulking and venting into my journal, I began to open up to her about my feelings of helplessness and inadequacy over losing my job. She was able to share that she felt overwhelmed trying to balance parenting and working from home, and guilty about not answering all the many teacher check-in emails. We both admitted we were sad that despite being under the same roof all the time, we hadn’t shared intimacy in months. Although we were together all the time, we were both feeling lonely. When we acknowledged our feelings and actively listened to each other again, things started to improve. We were more open, gracious, patient, and forgiving of each other, our kids, and ourselves. The pandemic hadn’t improved but somehow, things were better because we were able to rekindle our relationship with each other. Our faith became stronger. We prayed more often. Our kids joined in more often. We realized that the pandemic was not in our control but we could choose our reactions.

My wife now writes in a journal too. She also finds it therapeutic. She was the one who encouraged me to share this. Life right now is messy. It’s okay to accept that and then try to do something to make it better.

This isn’t a fairy tale. The pandemic is still here. No one will be getting back to normal soon unless it is a new version of normal. So in the meantime, what we’re doing in our family is practicing gratitude and taking one day at a time. We can’t change things by worrying; instead we will focus on appreciating what we do have and giving ourselves latitude and forgiveness when we slip. We’ll get through this together.

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