AVENUES
PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS APRIL - JUNE 2020
SPR ING 2020
LETTER FROM THE EDITORS
Well, aren’t these interesting times? I could not have imagined that I would be writing this issue’s letter from social isolation. It’s not total quarantine here (unless you are sick), but we’re strongly encouraged to stay inside. I suppose that gives us more time to read, right? Personally, I don’t hate it – I have like 100 books to read. Don’t leave me unattended in a bookstore. As always, we have our next issue of AVENues ready for you to read! Hopefully it will relieve some of your boredom. Stay safe, and wash your hands! -
scarletlatitude, Editor in chief HAVE A COMMENT FOR OUR EDITORS? FILL OUT OUR “LETTER TO THE EDITORS” FORM! HTTPS://FORMS.GLE/ZNFQRTXBSH5U9TBI8
CONTRIBUTORS Editor in Chief: scarletlatitude Benevolent PT Overlord: Puck Layout: kelico, scarletlatitude Editors: CourtlyLove, euphrasie_fauchlevent, Janus Darkfox, Kikuka, Scooter, Snao Cone, WunderBahr Staff artists: kelico,
MichaelTannock, Windspiel Content creators: ben8884, Kimmie. Mexicanpotato, Scott1989, SithAzathoth WinterDragon, Snao Cone Special thanks to: Kelly, Bea, Milana Lattin, HolidayT, Veda Renee
FEATURED IN THIS ISSUE 2 LETTER FROM THE EDITOR 4-5 PANDEMIC PREPAREDNESS 6-9 PLATONIC EXPERIENCES ...BY SCOTT1989, MEXICANPOTATO, ANON, & KIMMIE
10-11 12-19
REMEMBERING KEZ...BY KELLY QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH
OPEN MIC
20-21
POETRY PODIUM
... “OBSCURED THREADS” BY BEA ... “MY KIND OF ATTRACTION” BY MILANA LATTIN
22-23
PAINTING GALLERY
...BY BEN8884, HOLIDAYT, & VEDA RENEE
24 25
ASEXY PUZZLE: FRIENDSHIP WORD SEARCH ACE SPOTLIGHT
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PANDEMIC PREPAREDNESS BY SCARLETLATITUDE
**The information below is only a guideline to help others. Please refer to your country/state/local guidelines for more information. ** WITH PLACES ALL OVER THE WORLD BEING SHUT DOWN DUE TO THE CORONAVIRUS, HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN DO TO PREPARE FOR A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
• If you are sick (with anything), please stay home and contact your doctor. • Hand washing is important. It seems silly, yes, but it works. Viruses like corona are covered in lipids - fats - which dissolve in soap. Wash those hands! • For how long? 20 seconds. Choose a song from the handwashing playlists: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZbVfosDDpQ • Sneeze or cough into your sleeve or a tissue, then wash your hands. • But what if you aren’t sick? Why does it matter? Your nose and mouth are always in contact with the air. If some coronavirus was floating around, it will get in there. It will stick in your nose mucus (that’s what it’s made for). You will sneeze it out. You can get it out of the air by covering your mouth/nose, and you can kill it by washing your hands! • Hand sanitizer is better than nothing, but washing your hands properly is best. (See #2) • Disinfect all the things, especially things people touch often (phones, doorknobs, keyboards, etc.) • Also, avoid sharing personal items with other people, even your significant other. • Social distancing! It means putting space between yourself and other people. Physically separate yourself from others as much as you can. Consider bumping elbows, shaking feet, or even bowing when you greet people. https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public
UNFORTUNATELY, WE’VE ALSO SEEN MANY MYTHS AND DOWNRIGHT XENOPHOBIA. LET’S BUST THOSE MYTHS ABOUT CORONAVIRUS, AND TALK ABOUT SOME TRUTHS.
Myth - I need to wear a mask to protect me from the germs. Truth - Masks have not been shown to protect people who are already healthy. https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-forpublic/when-and-how-to-use-masks 4
Myth - Schools closing is an overreaction. My kids aren’t in danger. Truth - The point is to protect those who are vulnerable by preventing healthy people from carrying and passing the virus. Social distancing like closing schools prevents a healthy individual from carrying the virus back home from another asymptomatic student or teacher. Remember: this virus can take up to 14 days to produce symptoms. https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-forpublic Myth - Most people who have had coronavirus have mild symptoms, so all of this quarantine is nonsense. Truth - Again, the point is to protect those who are most vulnerable, and to give the healthcare system time to adapt. In most places, hospital beds are already full from the flu and other health emergencies. If a bunch of coronavirus patients are added to it, they simply can’t treat them all. People will die from lack of care. You know how to prevent that situation? Keep the vulnerable people from being infected in the first place! https://www.who.int/news-room/q-a-detail/q-a-coronaviruses More myths here:
h t t p s : / / w w w. w h o . i n t / e m e r g e n c i e s / d i s e a s e s / n o v e l - c o r o n a v i r u s - 2 0 1 9 / advice-for-public/myth-busters
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE? • STAY IN YOUR HOUSE. Don’t go to the movies. Don’t go to the mall. Stay. Home. • If you know of or are caring for a person who is more at risk (elderly, sick, etc.), make sure they have everything they need so that they can stay home too. Ask their doctor what to do if they should get sick. Make sure they have medication and food at home. • Disinfect your home, especially if you have a vulnerable person living with you. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR A CHILD. WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM IF THEY ARE OUT OF SCHOOL?
• There are a lot of free educational opportunities online: o https://www.weareteachers.com/free-online-learning-resources/ o http://www.amazingeducationalresources.com/ Stock up on busy things, like kid crafts and coloring books. Let them pick what they like to do. • Avoid playdates and group meetings. The whole point of cancelling school is to avoid crowds. • If you need a babysitter because your job won’t let you stay home, remember that teenagers are also out of school. Maybe one of them would like to babysit for you. It keeps the teenager and your kid out of trouble (and away from corona, hopefully).
VISIT THESE SOURCES FOR MORE INFORMATION: International: • https://www.who.int/news-room/articles-detail/updated-who-recommendations-for-international-traffic-in-relation-to-covid-19-outbreak/ • https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019 USA: • https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prepare/prevention.html • https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/specific-groups/high-risk-complications.html 5
HOW MY FRIEND DISCOVERED MY ASEXUALITY, BY INVENTING THE ALREADY INVENTED TERM! BY SCOTT1989 It’s the summer of 2008, and nineteen-year-old me is eating in a restaurant with a friend called Fraser, before going to see the hit movie Tropic Thunder. Little did I know this meal would change my life forever. To explain why, let’s examine who I was then. I identified as straight, but thought I was a broken because I wasn’t really into sex, and it rarely, if ever, entered my thoughts. I didn’t want romance and nineteen-year-old me thought, “What loser actually wants to be alone? I mean look at TV--every show implies having a family is the end goal. Those that don’t have a family are losers or pitied!” I did have one accidental relationship that lasted from late primary school through mid-high school. Not just a date like some aces had, but a full-blown relationship that lasted years! It ended because she got fed up with the lack of initiative from me and probably all the hints, I still don’t realize I missed. When I hit eighteen, Fraser and I would hit night clubs, have drinks, have a laugh and go home in the end. I mean that is what you do at night clubs, right? Well, apparently not, because a year and a half later, at this random restaurant near a cinema in Glasgow, I got asked the question I never expected. He asked if I am asexual. I had no idea what this term meant. To be honest I wasn’t the best at English (not the worst either) so I didn’t know the “A” prefix meant “not” or “none”. But hearing the explanation of what asexuality was, my mind was blown. I heard a record scratch in my head as my life flashed before my eyes. It actually made sense to me about my past attitudes to relationships! I couldn’t believe there was an option outside of being straight, gay, or bi, never mind one that fit me so well, unlike the other three! He only thought this because I wasn’t showing interest in getting a woman (or man) to take home with me. Slowly, I pulled myself back together. I confirmed, yeah, I think I am asexual. And that was it - he acknowledged me and the conversation was over. Little did he know, I was now desperate to find out more, because this could be the path to normalising myself. When I got home that night, I googled asexuality, read up on it, and instantly knew I was an aromantic asexual based on my findings and personal experiences. I was no longer to be pitied, no longer broken, no longer a loser. So next time I saw Fraser, I told him about my research and my good news of self-discovery. He turned out to be concerned for one main reason: he made it up! He made up asexuality and the meaning! He was worried I was going to identify as a non-existent label and make a fool of myself. So imagine his shock when I told him there were websites and Wikipedia pages about asexuality. He couldn’t believe he half-jokingly made up a term and the meaning that perfectly matched an already existing one, and it fit me. We laughed at this major coincidence, and then we talked about it, so he could better understand it and me. To give him credit, since then Fraser has been one of the most supportive people I’ve known outside the asexual community. He was there when people hurt me by rejecting my asexuality. Coming up with jokes that included my asexuality but showed nothing changed between us and taking time and effort to learn this aspect of me. We’ve even visited the Museum of Sex in New York because he thought it’d be interesting for us both, plus he knew I’d like the novelty of being ace and going there. And most importantly of all, we continued to go clubbing, even 11 years later, this time just to have drinks, have a laugh and go home in the end. 6
BEING AROACE IN HIGH SCHOOL BY MEXICANPOTATO Beside the mountains of homework and the stress of preparing for university, there’s another topic that seems to be a main focus of high school students: relationships, especially romantic relationships. Many people have crushes in high school. That crush might become their romantic partner or may end with a broken heart. That’s what’s expected to happen. But what about the experience for high school teens in the Aroace spectrum? With overall lack of information about asexuality and aromanticism, they might not be aware they are AroAce Spec, in the first place. This could lead them to feel weird and under pressure to be like others considered “normal,” where relationships are involved. Because of this, they might also force themselves into having a “crush” or getting into romantic relationships they wouldn’t, otherwise, consider. This experience could then leave them feeling broken and in despair, until they discover their true sexual and romantic orientations, and potentially learn to accept themselves just the way they are. Constant peer questions and comments, such as: “Who’s your crush?” “It’s impossible that you’ve never had a crush”; “Something’s wrong with you”; “You haven’t found the right person”, “You’re weird for not liking sex” can leave them feeling dismissed, isolated and hurt. Not to mention, having to observe the beginnings of their classmates’ sexual/romantic lives and hearing them say, “I’m horny ” ; “I love sex” and other comments that can be hard for aroace teens to process and lead them to think there’s something wrong with them. Even being fully aware of their identities, this can be a difficult experience, socially, mentally and emotionally. Many teens in the ace spectrum feel romantic feelings but their lack of sexual attraction may be a reason for mean comments and bad experiences with romance during high school. Teens who feel platonic attraction, or another kind like alterous, aesthetic, sensual, etc., have similar experiences in high school. Their classmates are not aware that those attractions exist or are valid, and that lack of knowledge about the diversity of orientations is the main reason why aroace people suffer discrimination. Maybe we don’t need everyone to know everything about the aroace spectrum. We just need people to understand that not everyone feels the same or experiences things in the same way. That being said, we all deserve respect.
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PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE TRADITIONAL “SIGNIFICANT OTHER” BY ANONYMOUS Family life and friendships hold prime importance when romance is not an option. As an Aromantic Asexual (aka AroAce), I have no desire to date, but still need to have a close connection to other people. Ironically, I am not an introvert and cannot spend a day without talking to someone. I have been lucky to have close family members who are also deeply dedicated to my wellbeing and always there for me - my parents and siblings. But in this article, my focus is on friendships. These are friendships with deep emotional connections I had before discovering my asexuality. A long time ago, when I moved to another continent away from my immediate family to study, I reunited with a former college mate. She started dating a guy around the same time we reconnected. He quickly became my friend too. They invited me to every occasion: Christmas, New year, random long weekend gatherings. We exchanged Christmas gifts just like family. They were there for me whenever I needed them. She bought me groceries when I was stuck home sick. Their friends became my friends, too. We frequently went hiking together and enjoyed ourselves on picnics. During the four years we spent together, the boyfriend also came to know me so well. He noticed my asexuality before I had even realized it. Never mentioned the word out loud but once said, “The only wedding you can have is to marry yourself just like the movie I Me Wed.” It described me so well. My relationship with this couple replaced what I missed living with a “significant other” in terms of who I spent holidays with, who was there in good times and bad times- all minus sex and romance. I think this is the kind of relationship AroAces need. During that period, I also had another close friend. She was the same age as I was. And during the time I knew her, she never dated. She claimed she had a crush around the time we met, and he was in another relationship already. But she was never interested in dating after that. We used to go out for dinner and drinks, visit each other often and travel together. We had fun and were there for each other. We had deep conversations about my feelings. During these conversations,I realized she understood that finding romance and having a partner was not my priority, and I am happy without those. She knew my values in life long before I realized my AroAce orientation. We did not have words for it, but she knew the concept. We understood each other without long conversations. Since travelling together is the other aspect of “significant other”, I cannot conclude this article without mentioning the college travel group. It was organized by the University. We traveled to different historical and beautiful places. I had the thrill of traveling with company but without a significant other. We experienced the visits and enjoyed exotic meals together. From my personal experience, I never felt lonely not having a romantic partner because of these platonic relationships. I cherish friendships and immediate family. I was inclined towards these relationships more than the urge to find a romantic partner long before I came across the term AroAce. I was happy during these platonic relationships. I was miserable when I got into a sexual romantic relationship, I had to get out of it as quickly as I entered it. Hence the classification of aromantic and asexual as an orientation. The Cambridge dictionary definition of orientation is “the particular things that a person prefers, believes, thinks, or usually does”. I applaud AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) for asserting aromantic asexuality as a sexual orientation. There is no better definition for it. It is neither a mental illness, a physical illness, nor lack of ability to find a sexual partner. It is a genuine, inherent preference of platonic friendships and family love over romance and sex. I am a living testimony to the declaration of asexual aromantic as a sexual orientation. 8
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH AVEN BY KIMMIE I did plan to write a text about a meetup in Stockholm but that had unfortunately to be cancelled because of obvious reasons. I didn’t have anything to write about in this issue. The other members of the AVENues team suggested writing about how my relationship with AVEN has changed over the years. I will not mention anyone by name because I have no right to mention anyone by name without them knowing it. When I joined AVEN I was so confused and insecure about so many things about myself. Because of the help I found at AVEN, I realized that I am not alone and that I am not CIS which is one thing I should have seen so much earlier. The signs were there right in front of me. Fast forward a couple of years to the winter of 2018. I saw a certain thread in the Meetup subforum - the Utrecht international meetup - and after some post and cheering from some others I decided that I should give it a go. I had sold my car so the money was not the issue. It was more that I had never traveled before. But once again because of the nice, friendly and encouraging words of other members, I decided to go. That was the best week in my life and I still stand by it. I realized that I have friends, that I am more capable than I thought and that it actually can be fun to hangout with others you just need to meet people you trust. That people care about me.
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Remember
BY K
We recently learned about the passing of an AVEN member, Kez. In lieu of an interview, we asked Kez’s friends and AVEN coworkers to write a memorial about her. Kez was an AVENite from our early history. She was a friend to many of us, online and in real life. Of the over 12,000 members AVEN has now, she was the 532nd to join when she signed up in 2003. She has been an AVEN Moderator and an AVEN Administrator. We lost her on Christmas Eve from a brain tumor. Although she had not been active in AVEN recently, she still kept in touch, visiting members in Europe, the Americas, her native Australia, and even Iceland. I was fortunate enough to have met her in the USA and visited her in Australia. Eager to hang out with us, she had some interesting adventures. HuSongshu recalls an episode when they met in New York. He writes: The first time I met Kez offline was the first time she came to New York City, for a gathering of AVEN and AVEN-adjacent people in 2006. She was supposed to meet one person at a subway stop in Brooklyn, but something went wrong as things could only go wrong in a pre-smartphone world. Her Aussie cellphone wasn’t able to get through to anyone in the city, for some reason, but she could reach a friend in Ohio -- closer to Australia? -- and they in turn sent me a text: “Kez couldn’t find anyone so she got on a bus” I lived in Queens, a whole other borough, so this was an alarming message to read. By the time I could get to the station where she had been, a bus chosen at random could take her anywhere in the city. And I expected that someone who had just gotten off their first flight to New York would be freaking out. But I had no better ideas, so I ran to my own subway station to begin the trip over. Mine was an elevated train so at least I had a phone signal. So there I was, sitting on the train, still in Queens, when a second text popped up: “Kez got off the bus at the last stop, in the parking lot of [such-and-such] hotel” This was not much more promising, but although I didn’t know the hotel, the name sounded a little familiar. I looked up from my phone and out the window -- and the name was on a sign right in front of my eyes. The train reached the next platform seconds later, I ran downstairs and across the street, and out of a city of eight million, there was Kez. That was when I learned that she was a formidable traveler and evidently a charmed soul. In the years that followed we traveled in each other’s company, from Iceland to
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ring Kez
KELLY
Australia and a few places in between. Something always brought us and our friends together, and got us where we were going, whether we knew where the bus was headed or not. She magically appeared to me one day, too. I arrived in Sydney for an AVEN meetup. I knew where it was and was hanging out in the hotel lobby and planning on a way to get there. Then one woman walked up from behind my chair (as if she knew who I was or something) and said, “Hello.” It was Kez! Here in my hotel when I did not know that she knew I was even here. How did she do that?! When she was battling her tumor, she had plenty of company. Friends would visit her daily at home, bringing photos and gifts and talking to her, even if she could hardly understand. She still smiled when they arrived. It seems odd to speak of her in past tense. I still think of her. Today, I was at the market and parked my car in the lot. I made sure to “Princess Park.” To Princess Park, one finds two spaces next to each other so that you can park in the second one, allowing you to pull out by driving forwards instead of backing up. Kez gave us that term. Now, whenever I Princess Park, she is with me.
Our remarkable Kez. We miss you.
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Follow AVENues on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/AVENuesAVEN/ Follow AVEN on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/AVENOfficial/
QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH
THIS ISSUE IS ABOUT PLATONIC FRIENDSHIPS AND PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS. TELL US ABOUT WHO YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. My best friend, who we’ll call Ava, is the closest relationship I have with anyone outside my family. We’ve known each other for almost ten years. I feel comfortable talking to her and saying “I love you” out of the blue, and have often said that I don’t feel the need for a romantic relationship because all the emotional closeness I’d have with a romantic partner, I have already with Ava. She’s understanding and supportive of my asexuality, and I feel accepted by her not only in that area, but in my life in general. • Jazmin We met online 8 years ago or so. Had similar interests, PMs became skype-ing on a regular basis to our first real life meeting. I’ve visited her several times since then although she lives ~500km away and we both consider each other to be our (non-romantic) soulmate. • Anonymous I have three, and usually have three at any given time (changing each year or two). Friend 3 has been my online friend for 2-3 years, and friends 1 and 2 have been my school friends for the past year. I’m really close to friend 3; she listens about all my worries and interests, I listen to hers, and we play games together. I thought I was in love with her before I realized that just because you want to hug and be around someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re romantically interested in them, and that being friends wasn’t any less of a relationship. I was pushed into dating friend 1 by friend 2, but I still see us as in more than a platonic than romantic relationship, at least in relation from me to him, like friends with benefits where the benefit is more hugs. And of course, friend 2 is a wonderful butterfly, and our relationship is filled with mutual admiration and praise :D • Anonymous My best friend is someone I’ve known for nearly eleven years now, I think. She was the only friend I had in primary school who kept contact with me after we went to different secondary school, and we are now at the same school. She has been the best and most supportive person I have come out to about anything and we have so much fun together! • Elliott My best friend is called Ann. She doesn’t live very close to me so we mostly talk over text, but we tell each other everything, and I know I can vent to her whenever I need to and vice versa. When we argue often one of us will just tell the other to go cool off and then a few hours later we are back to business as usual. Even when I get annoyed with her or don’t want to talk, I know that she won’t be mad because we both understand each other, unless it comes to cultural stuff. We are from neighbouring countries which are mostly similar but there are a few cultural differences which can cause confusion sometimes. She’s very understanding of me and my sexuality, and I can be the same with her, as we are open about it with each other without pushing boundaries. • Anonymous I have three best friends but seeing as two of them are basically in a QPR with me I’ll talk about my best friend I’ll call M. I’ve known her all my life and have been through a lot with her. I actually realized I wasn’t straight when I had my first crush on her. I don’t anymore but that was pretty eye opening. We have a very close relationship and I feel extremely safe around her. Recently she’s been through a rough breakup but is getting ready to get into another relationship. Before you ask, she is straight, and if any of her boyfriend’s mess with her they ’ll be having a visit from me. • Sarah
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Jamie. He is a politics student, but he’s kind and supportive, and he’s my best friend. When I told him I was ace, he spent a few days learning everything he could so that he could help me understand more about it, and even said that I was not broken like I thought he was. In short, he was wonderful. • Bluebellstar I just moved, so my best friend lives a long distance away from me right now. We met our first day of work and then realized that we lived on the same street! We started hanging out after that and even though we are far apart I love her so much and desperately want to make sure we stay close and stay friends for years to come. • Christa I basically consider all of the people who sit in my section in band class to be my best friends. They ’re all lovely weirdos who have wildly different interests, some of them like anime stuff, one of them crochets, some of them would be considered popular, yet we all just work. They ’re all the most accepting group of people I could ask for (which is helped by there being other LGBTQ+ members in this friend group) and I adore them with all my heart. • Anonymous Someone once said we were like an old married couple and I think that’s the most accurate description of our friendship ever. We complete each other’s sentences, guess what the other person is thinking, feed each other and argue about who gets the remote. They are an incredible cook, a great poet an admirable artist. My best friend is headstrong and infuriatingly stubborn and never hold back when they think I’m doing something stupid (and they ’re usually right). They also always have my back, no matter what, even if we’re fighting; and I do the same, because I’d walk through fire for them. I guess if there’s one thing I’d want them to know above all else is that I love them a lot and always will. • Anonymous My best friend is actually my ex from college. We hit it off right away, but he eventually came out as gay while I was realizing that I was ace. We both made the effort that despite lingering awkwardness and romantic feelings to be in each other’s lives because we simply liked being around one another. I think because of how our relationship began and romantically ended it created a complete honesty with us. We both simply accepted the change in status and accepted one another for who they were. Now I can’t imagine my life without him. - Anonymous
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HAVE YOU COME OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR ORIENTATIONS? EXPLAIN. I’m very open with my friends about being asexual, but not so much about being aromantic because I still haven’t quite figured out if that’s the right label for me, or if I’m actually aromantic at all. I don’t feel as comfortable labeling my romantic orientation as I do with my sexual orientation, and I’d rather figure it out on my own before explaining it to my friends. • Jazmin My best friend was actually the one who kind of, accidentally made me discovery asexuality, by making up the term and not realised it was already a thing, with the exact same meaning. So, when I later confirmed, he was right, he was shocked (but very supportive). He is probably been the best non ace person about it for me. Outside of him, some but some of them I have come out too reacted badly in a way (as in focus on me not having sex too much for comfort) and their reactions have made it hard to come out to others. • Scott1989 Most of my friends know about my queerness, both being bi and being aspec, and also that I’m non-binary. I figure if they ’re really my friends they ’ll understand. • K. B. Rainwater Yes, I have, mostly. I’m not sure whether all of them remember that I’m ace, but they all definitely know I’m bi. There isn’t really much else I can say here because I can’t remember their reactions, but it’s not really a big deal unless they ’re also queer. • Elliott I’ve only recently realized I’m ace, and haven’t yet told my parents, close friends, or family. Part of that is to give myself enough time to try and be able to clearly answer any questions they might have, and to also prepare myself in case their reactions are anything but understanding and/or supportive. • Robert The first person I came out to was my best friend since she introduced me to asexuality and she is also ace herself. After that I came out to my bisexual friend because I am also biromantic and she means a lot to me and I knew she’d be supportive. One of the friends I made a few months ago is in 2 of my classes and in the GSA, and I really like spending time with her too, so I came out to her as well. I think I felt comfortable coming out to these people because I was already close to them, and they are part of the same community as me. • Violet Yes. Before I first came out nearly a decade ago, it was a guessing game in my friend group as to what I identified as. When I was younger, I was very excited to find the label asexual and learn that there was a word for who I was, and I was very proud of being asexual. I’ve talked about it less and less as I get older, as I feel more and more that people will be less accepting. I did also come out as aromantic a few years ago, but I share that with even less people. Even some of the people I’ve come out to are very dedicated (and annoying) about trying to get me to hook up with people or make new friends or even just have pets because “it bothers [them] that [I’ll] never be with anyone”. It doesn’t give me a lot of confidence or energy for sharing these things about myself with more people. I feel guilty about it, but sometimes I just tell people I’m gay/ lesbian instead because it’s easier and usually somewhat gets them off my back. • Blaine I mention it most to writing acquaintances because asexuality and gender-queerness are
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in my stories. I’ve told no one at work. I’ve told people I’ve dated but I feel like I wasn’t fully believed. I’ve told the friends I’m closest to, not in a “coming out” way, but more in a “I want to talk about this aspect of my life and how it impacts me” way. I’ve told my mother (3 times because she keeps forgetting). I don’t feel like she gets it, but I’m okay with that. I haven’t mentioned it to my father because it just seems weird to talk to my parent of the opposite sex about sex (even not wanting sex). • CharCharChar Well, sort of. To two of my friends, they jokingly asked if I was gay (not in an offensive way) and I said no, I think I’m asexual and proceeded to explain it to them. My other friends saw me looking at the AVEN site and were like oh your asexual that’s cool. • Olivia
DO YOUR ORIENTATIONS IMPACT YOUR ABILITY TO MAKE FRIENDS? EXPLAIN. Somewhat. I’m always a little afraid to make male friends without having to directly come out to them to avoid the possibility of them hitting on me. • Anonymous No one has diminished or terminated their friendship with me (so far) upon hearing that I’m aroace. Also, coming out is not the first thing I would do when meeting new people, but it would be one of the tests that I would give people to make sure they actually want to be friends with me. • Carolyn I’d say if it does, it’s only in a positive sense. I’ve made friends in the enby and aspec communities partially based on my orientation. Of course, we have other things in common as well, but having those commonalities makes a good starting point. • K. B. Rainwater They do. It’s harder to connect to people knowing I have a secret that they may not understand or may find off-putting, so that’s a factor. Also, a lot of people like to talk about their relationships and experiences of that kind, and I cannot relate to that, and also feel uncomfortable with that unless I have already set clear boundaries regarding that type of conversation. It’s a very difficult barrier for me as it is a big part of people’s lives that I can’t relate to. • Anonymous Very much so. It’s hard for me to open up to people, especially when I have to try and explain that I am not interested in some of the same relationships they are. My asexuality also makes me very nervous in social situations, worried I will say the wrong thing or embarrass myself by not noticing cues other people would. • Bluebellstar No, if anything it’s helped me. I don’t want to be friends with someone who judges others based off of things like sexuality, it doesn’t define who someone is as a person and you shouldn’t judge anyone on it. I know people accepting of it are people I’d want to get to know better. Sometimes it can make normal conversations odd for me, like getting to the topic of relationships or sex, but I’ve gotten used to this and try my best to support my friends. • Sarah I don’t think so, though it’s a bit complicated at times because I make strong connections with people, I think stronger than lots of people. So sometimes person starts to feel
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as I’m in love with her/him. It leads to uncomfortable situations especially if they love me ‘back’. In general, though, my orientation helps me in some way, because I can be more emotionally and physically with all my friends. • Aleks Not necessarily, as I don’t believe my orientation has or should have any impact on making friends. But as nearly all of my close group of friends are settling down, I can’t help but feel that I’m running out of people to spend time with, as romantic relationships are given a much higher priority than platonic ones, which are seemingly negligible by comparison. • Robert It kind of does because when I’m meeting a new friend I’m always just the slightest bit worried that they might like me romantically because I’m completely oblivious to that sort of thing. • Morgan Kind of? I mean, at least in my country, talking about relationships, crushes, sexual experiences and etc., is a very-early-in-the-friendship kind of situation, and it’s sometimes 90% of the conversations you have with someone if you don’t know them very well. And, well... I don’t do very well in those conversations. The friends that I do have were people that didn’t judge me for my lack of things to contribute in that area and helped me find conversation topics we had in common, which is great, but that’s not everyone’s like that. At the end of the day, I ended up with the best friends I could ask for, so maybe this isn’t really a problem after all. • Anonymous For me it doesn’t. I take part in hobbies (e.g., sports teams) and regularly attend ace meets, both of which I get to know new people in a friendly environment. Some of those who I’m out to and are accepting of my ace\aro-ness (such as my best friend) develop wee jokes like “they were sweating like an asexual in a bakery ” or “if you weren’t asexual you would [find someone attractive]” • Scott1989
ARE YOU IN A QPR (QUEER PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP)? IF SO, TELL US ABOUT IT. I would consider my relationship with N to be a QPR. The term is just something I use to make things make sense in my head, not something I use outwardly. Anyway, N and I do some things that I wouldn’t call typical in the context of a friendship, particularly 17
one between a male and a female. In other words, we touch each other a lot. One of us always has our arm around the other one at some point when we’re sitting together, we poke and prod each other in a non-sexual way (though it might seem sexual to an observer), and he hugs me almost every time we part ways (the real, forward facing, two-armed kind of hugs). He knows I’m ace, but he also knows that I like it when he touches me. Additionally, we have identical senses of humor and we both enjoy corny jokes, especially when they ’re nerdy corny jokes. • Carolyn I would say I am. My partner and I have known each other for approx. five years, and we built our relationship starting from friendship until we started navigating our feelings for the other. We don’t know each other in real life, and the relationship is long distance. • Anonymous Am I? I don’t know. There’s a couple of people I’m incredibly comfortable sharing a bed with, one of who’s an agender non-binary AFAB who prefers sexual relationships with women, so I’m so completely not on their sexual wavelength. But they live abroad. Another person I’m comfortable with on that level is, quite bizarrely, my ex-girlfriend who is 100% convinced that I’m actually gay. But overall, I float through live as a quirky alone and I have friendships rather than anything that you might call ‘relationships’. • The Barefoot Backpacker No, I am not in a QPR, but the idea is appealing. The closest I had was a friends-withbenefits type thing, but it wasn’t sexual, just kissing and hugging. I quickly found kissing uncomfortable, but I would like a QPR that I could cuddle with. • Anonymous No, I’m also amorousness and uninterested in committed relationships. I don’t have the spoons for other people in that way. • Blaine I didn’t know until this last year but yes l am. That may sound strange, but l had always thought of myself as straight. I have never had sexual feelings for men or women and just thought l was odd. I do enjoy orgasms and had decided long ago after many years of just doing it for my husband that if l didn’t have an orgasm then l wasn’t going to have sex anymore, so sex toys help. • Elaine This is where labeling becomes problematic. I guess according to queer theory I have a few QPR. The people involved do not see it quite like this. WE simply accept things as they are. To us, all is fine and dandy. • Lors I have two friends I am incredibly close with and QPR can definitely define it, but we haven’t talked about or worried about labeling ourselves. We call each other pet names and cuddle almost constantly and walk arm in arm or holding hands. I feel my safest when with them and feel like I’m free from my issues and talking about things comes naturally no matter what the nature of it is. They are extremely open and accepting and we have been through and helped each other through a lot. I can’t imagine my life without them. • Sarah My best friend and I are always mistaken for a couple, because of the way we interact with each other. We do connect on a very deep level and love each other unconditionally. But it is not romantic. Had he been heterosexual, things would have been slightly different. • Aimee
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DO YOU LIKE THE TERM QPR, OR DO YOU PREFER TO USE OTHER TERMS TO DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP(S)? I do like the term QPR and would rather have a QPR than a traditional romantic relationship. The only thing that stops me from actively pursuing a QPR is the general lack of knowledge about it, and the difficulty I have explaining it. • Jazmin I like it but using it in normal conversation would require too much explanation on my part. I still use it inwardly because it is the only term I know that fully captures the “more than just friends but not romantic/sexual partners” quality of our relationship. I didn’t think that kind of really close friendship was valid (I thought it was something more or less unique to me) until I discovered the term, along with the fact that many aroaces like myself are the same way. Also, I was pleasantly surprised that there is such a thing as a platonic crush. Everything made sense to me after that. • Carolyn No, I use the term Alterous relationship, because it’s based on emotional closeness instead of trying to pin down platonic feelings. To me, what I feel for my partner is not the same as what I feel for my best friend, even if I feel very strongly about both of them. • Anonymous I like the term QPR, but I don’t think it describes any of my relationships. I’m demiromantic and currently in a romantic relationship. I have some very good friends that I could potentially be in QPRs with but we’re separated by distance, so it just hasn’t happened. • K. B. Rainwater I have no problem with the term itself, but I would rather use more concrete and easily definable terms for my own relationships. • Eton Currently I do use and appreciate the term QPR to describe possible relationships, but it’s mostly because there isn’t really another alternative I’ve connected with in a similar way. I don’t consider myself entirely committed to using QPR, but it works. • Anonymous I quite like the term QPR, but when talking or typing I’ll often use QPP (partnership) instead as the repeated letter is more aesthetic to me. I feel like the description is more for me and my partner/s though, as there’s a fair amount of detail involved in explaining it to anyone not in the community. • Anonymous I normally don’t like labeling things. I spent a large portion of my life trying to fit myself and everything else in neat little labels and boxes but that just isn’t how my life works. I’m ok with using the term QPR, but I’m also ok with not using a label at all or just calling us close friends. • Sarah I don’t think relationships should be labeled like that, relationships are relationships and don’t need to be categorized. • Olivia
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POETRY PODIUM OBSCURED THREADS BY BEA
Light untouchable threads float between me and you Our bond can be made over a smile or a glance These threads turn paler and paler under waves of red hearts, candy chocolates, the “of course she won’t have as much time for you now that she’s in a relationship.” The hierarchy tries to dull our threads, and sadly it works so well Those in relationships can get swept away from us when their red bonds are societally endorsed. Our light untouchable threads can be carefree, and unseen by some, But that doesn’t mean they’re not powerful, like spider silk. So many threads through so many souls, a glowing cardioid for universal connection Not just thick red cords stuffed with restrictions in exchange for intimacy. My love for you comes from a level place, where our hearts share a knowing look of defiance when someone says “just” friends. “Obscured Threads” copyright Beatrix Livesey-Stephens 2020
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MY KIND OF ATTRACTION BY MILANA LATTIN
When I say I don’t know if someone was cute, it’s not Just because I don’t remember what they looked like. It’s because I don’t know. I could tell you what we Talked about and whether they were nice, but that’s Not really what you wanted to know. When I say my dance partner is married, it’s because it’s true. When that disappoints you, I get kind of confused. It’s too bad, in your mind, that we won’t fall in love. Dancing is fun and his wife is really nice, but that’s Not really how you hoped it would go. We see things differently, and that’s okay. I don’t always get you and you don’t always get me. Our minds and lives are different, and I’m not saying that’s bad. I’m just here to try to explain What attraction means to me. You’ve always known you were attracted to boys. I just assumed my attraction came late. I thought I was weird. I chose a random boy to call my crush Because I didn’t understand. But now I’m confident in myself, so here’s how I feel: I don’t know what it means when you say someone’s hot. I don’t understand why anyone looks at butts. I’m confused as to why people like kissing, And I’d be okay if I died a virgin. However, none of this means I don’t feel attraction. I’m attracted to friendliness and kind eyes, People who are confident and those who are shy, Eagerness to skip small talk and get to things that matter, People with passion and people who care. “My kind of attraction” copyright Milana Lattin 2019
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Painting CUP PAINTINGS By ben8884
AMOEBA By Veda Renee
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g Gallery ACE VS ZOMBIES By Holiday T
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ASEXY PUZZLE: WORD SEARCH Find the friendship-related words!
AFFECTION - ALLEGIANCE
KIND - LIFELONG
BLESSING- COMFORT
LOYAL - PAL - RELATIONSHIP
COMPANIONSHIP
SINCERE - SUPPORT - SYMPATHETIC
ENCOURAGEMENT
TOGETHER
FAITHFUL - FRIENDS - HEART
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ACE SPOTLIGHT AVEN is not affiliated with or responsible for other websites listed here
“SIP, SOY ASEXUAL” (YUP, I’M ASEXUAL) A tumblr for all Spanish speaking aces to feel welcomed and loved! https://adivinaquienesasexual.tumblr.com/
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Our next issue is about Asexuality Activism! What do we mean by that? Activism can be any way that you help other aces or increase visibility. If you are involved in a particular organization, tell us about it. If you aren’t involved in ace activism right now, what would you like to get involved in? Fill out our question of the month form here: https://forms.gle/D1xpvFMbMEeqBbJ79 REMEMBER,WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR ARTICLES AND ARTWORK TO ADD TO AVENUES! • To submit creative works, please go here: https://goo.gl/forms/QQqfdfOR69niJFoP2 • All creative works also need to be submitted through our copyrights form: https://goo.gl/forms/ciEyCwNew5wjuzVg1 • Send us your asexy jokes and puns here: https://goo.gl/forms/Rg4vlY6XZ7c17bNJ3 • You may also send a private message to any of the AVENues staff on AVEN
REMEMBER THAT WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR MORE PEOPLE TO JOIN OUR TEAM! SEND ONE OF US A MESSAGE ON AVEN FOR MORE INFO!