QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE WITH A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL DUE TO YOUR ASEXUALITY? IF SO, WHAT HAPPENED?

As part of my on-going annual health check ups, I have described to several doctors a long term lack of sex with my husband, his depression due to lack of sex, and my confusion around how to handle this. Their only response was to say: “You have lost your libido. Have you tried this or that.” Even my therapists (two of them), one individual and one as a couple, have either encouraged me to see my husband as abusive, or overly sexed, or to recommend over and over again ways that we could reignite our sexual attraction: date nights, other romantic gestures, touch therapy. Neither of these approaches have helped. I am in my mid-60s.

- Anonymous

Yes I’m also non-binary asexual and I had a female nurse insist I take a shower (with their help!) and I normally shower on my OWN but not on this day?

- Stevie

The worst experience I had was trying to explain that I was asexual. The doctor could not seem to understand that it was possible for someone to simply have no desire to do those things. While the medical care I received was spectacular, the experience was extremely frustrating. I no longer make assumptions on the level of awareness in health care professionals.

- Tori No.

- Anonymous

Answering questions about sexual history was very-anxiety inducing in my 20s, especially when I had annual appointments with my gynecologist and knew I would be asked about any changes at the next appointment. It felt like I was racing against time to hit a milestone. Now when I see a new doctor they seem to only ask about current sexual activity, which feels like less pressure

- Lisa

I went to a sex therapist because I wanted to figure out if I was asexual or what else it was that made me not crave sex in any way or think or care about it whatsoever. When I first met her, before even getting to know anything else about me, I told her that I felt like I could be asexual. She told me that calling oneself asexual was becoming more of a modern trend and told me, “we will fix this’’. At the end of our course she prescribed me feminist porn.

One thing I figured out for sure: sexism does not seem to be the reason for my asexuality,

- Sara M.

My psychiatrist (a senile old man from South Africa) wouldn’t believe me no matter how much I attempted to explain. I just started lying after a while. I haven’t been honest with any medical staff since.

- tiloulou

Yes. I was asked by a healthcare provider if I was sexually active and told her no and that I never would be. She and her nurse looked at each other and smirked as if I was crazy.

- Mary No.

- Ashmita Subba

Not exactly a negative experience, but I can’t go to a gynecologist as of now because I can’t tolerate being touched down there.

- Merry

Not really.

- Anonymous

Yes, often doctors assume I have a very active sexual life just because I’m married so I sometimes have to do random pregnancy test or std test (my husband and I only have sex when I’m comfortable which takes long space of time between)

- Carol

Conditioning therapy

- Sabe

My Psychologist during my anxiety attack therapy asked me when did you have sex ? He said: I think at the end I have to have sex with you myself!!! It was gross ... disgusting.

- Marynaz

When I was younger (teenaged -- and living in the US), they acted as if I were a stupid kid who didn’t know what I was talking about, and couldn’t be taken seriously.

- Anya

HOW DO YOU TALK TO YOUR HEALTHCARE PROVIDER(S) ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY, IF AT ALL?

When I asked, I described either my own depression or my husband’s depression. I was more depressed when I was still trying to have sex, and hating it. Since I have taken sex off the table (a couple of years since), it is more a question of how to live with his unhappiness. I am an open person, so I tend to give at least part of the picture when asked.

- Anonymous

Nothing bar just my chosen name change to Stevie

- Stevie

I don’t talk about it

- Anonymous

I don’t.

- Lisa

I am not telling them in a coming-out way. Until now it has been more about asking questions concerning asexuality and whether I was asexual.

- Sara M.

I don’t try to anymore. I feel like it causes a lot of pontification. I don’t want to be on a soapbox every time I need medical assistance. If I disclose I’m asexual but don’t explain, it just raises a lot of suspicion.

- tiloulou

I usually don’t, because I don’t go to an OB/GYN so it rarely comes up.

- Mary

I’m closeted

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Ashmita Subba

Pretty well-known in my experience. The few people I have discussed it with have known what it is, or only needed a brief reminder or explanation.

- Cinda

I’d rather tell them that I’m a lesbian than talk to them about my asexuality. I fear that they would medicalise and pathologize my orientation. But as of now it has never come up, though I fear that this might change in the future.

- Merry

I don’t. I’ve talked to my therapist about it though - Anonymous

Not really, it’s easier to just avoid it - Carol

I don’t, because my doctor is very hetronormative and the “one life path fits all” viewpoints that I’ve learned to not even dare thinking about bringing it up with them because I highly doubt they’d understand let alone accept my asexuality fully.

- Anonymous

I’m clear and straight to the point about my identity and morals.

- Sabe

I would prefer not to talk that much about it.

- Marynaz

I have completely avoided healthcare as an adult. I live in the UK now and am registered with the NHS and a GP though, and I wrote “asexual and celibate” on my forms where it asks about sexual orientation.

- Anya

BASED ON YOUR EXPERIENCE, HOW DOES THE MEDICAL PROFESSION IN YOUR COUNTRY VIEW ASEXUALITY?

They see it as a problem, as a lack of hormones (particularly post menopause), as driven by some kind of trauma, and/or as something that can be “fixed” by counseling. I was made to feel like a repressed old maid.

- Anonymous

Not well, I guess, similar to the UK.

- Stevie

Overall I would say the view in my area is one of generally respectful curiosity. They always seem surprised or ask questions about urges or day to day life, levels of happiness, or things of that nature.

-

Tori

No experience.

- Anonymous

It doesn’t seem to be very aware of it, or else seems to view it as abnormal. The default assumption (U.S.) is that not only are most people sexually active, but that planning for future futility is a top priority for any young woman, which is a whole other frustrating thing. Also, having a primary care doctor run a pregnancy test without telling me, to “rule it out” for the symptoms I’d been having, when I had already told them I had not had sex was infuriating and humiliating.

In general, I haven’t had much experience with doctors bringing sexuality and orientation into the discussion. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t want them to, but it definitely shows when they’re bringing hetero- and allonormative assumptions to their approach.

-

Lisa

I have only had two experiences in a medical setting. I think that medical profession either oversees/ignores asexuality or that medical profession succeeds to educate about it, when one seeks those kind of information actively

- Sara M.

[South-eastern USA; city] With a grain of salt. Most staff are not likely to accept without questions. Very uncomfortable questions.

- tiloulou

That it’s just people who have issues with having sex,either mental or physical, and just need proper treatment.

- Mary

I’m from Bhutan and the spectrum of gender and sexuality is not much known to people

- Ashmita Subba

I don’t have a lot of experience in regards to this, but I fear that most would not know about asexuality as a valid orientation.

- Merry

Often as a dysfunction or an oddity

- Anonymous

Nonexistent.

- Carol

Here in America it’s very hit or miss on how accepting (if at all) they are not only nationally, but also on the local and state levels. You might find one person who’s accepting and one who’s not right next door to them. It gets or at least feels alot worse for those of us who live in rural areas or have bad insurance and the likes, because we can’t afford to try to find the often rarer accepting doctors and have to just hope what is available isn’t too ace-phobic.

- Anonymous

Non-existent. Something a drug can fix.

- Sabe

Almost nothing

- Marynaz

I’ve not been brave enough to find out yet.

- Anya

WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU PROVIDE FOR ASEXUALS WHO ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ADDRESSING THEIR SEXUALITY WITH THEIR DOCTOR?

I guess I would say to myself and to anyone else that they should find the right doctor or therapist who asks better questions.

- Anonymous

For GPs it’s very important but in a hospital setting probably less important unless it impacts the person’s time in hospital, as it had in my case.

- Stevie

Most doctors do care about both your physical and emotional health. If it is difficult to talk about, perhaps try writing out a small note you can hand to the doctor. Explain your position and feelings. I did this once or twice and always had very good reactions.

- Tori

I’m one of them, so can’t give any advice.

- Anonymous

I assume most doctors have a pretty clinical view of patients’ sexuality, so if it has to come up I look at it as just one of the many embarrassing things a doctor might ask about that they really are not judging you for and will forget about as soon as they’re on to the next patient. But if a doctor ever does make you feel embarrassed for it or shows surprise or a negative reaction, find a new doctor.

- Lisa

I do not have any advice.

- Sara M.

That it’s just people who have issues with having sex,either mental or physical, and just need proper treatment.

- tiloulou

Just be upfront and tell it like it is. If they give you grief then educate them.

- Mary

Believe in yourself. What you feel matters!

- Ashmita Subba

Just don’t tell them (in most cases it shouldn’t be necessary). If it is necessary to tell them that you didn’t have sex or didn’t have sex with someone who could get you pregnant, lie. Tell them that you’re a lesbian, waiting for marriage or something else that suits your situation and can help to keep you safe. Find GRSM-supportive doctors if you absolutely have to tell them.

- Merry

Making it clear that you haven’t been sexually active for x period is helpful for doctors sometimes.

- Carol

Don’t. Find a doctor who is accepting. Don’t force yourself. You’ll only get hurt in the crossfire.

- Sabe

Well have the courage to talk about it anyways its who you are and you have to accept it.

- Kym Marynaz

Not that I know of.

- Anonymous

I don’t have any, but I need this advice!

- Anya