DATING EXPERIENCE

DATING EXPERIENCE by SpirallingSnowy, 39, Australia

HOW HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED DATING AS SOMEONE WHO IS ACE?

Many people, ace and allo alike, are surprised when they find out that my number of relationships is higher than what they presume an asexual would/should have. I have had 15 and only 1, my current partner, has been asexual. Because the vast majority of those relationships were cishet allo men with whom I did not experience sexual attraction, I have spent most of my dating life compromising on sex with them.

My connection with my first boyfriend “AM” threw me because a few years after we first dated, we reconnected and almost dated again. And after I discovered my asexuality, when I compared my connection with AM over the years to the other relationships I was having, I could clearly see there was something with AM that I didn’t have with anyone else.

So, I embraced using Demi/GreyA as a qualifier to explain this difference. I also felt I was obliged to use it because saying I was asexual when so many other aces had less of a sexual history seemed disingenuous and I felt like an outsider/ anomaly.

Over the years since I came out as Ace, I have tried to explain Asexuality to some boyfriends I’ve had. Because I was convinced I had experienced sexual attraction at least once, I felt guilty not trying to date allos, and trying to have a “normal” allo relationship. I just saw my asexuality as a thing I just had to “ deal” with myself.

Because I had previously not entirely hated sex/not entirely grossed out when in the moment, and had thought that I had experienced sexual attraction at least once, that I would not have been entirely happy in an ace/ace relationship. I have since realised that there have been a number of times where I have persisted with a sexual relationship in an attempt to

obtain a romantic relationship that I thought I would get, if I could just “prove” how awesome/into them I was. If I could just get them to want me enough, if I could just be what they wanted, then maybe they would want the relationship part.

Back then, I passed as allo so well that I never used Queer, never saw myself as weird or different, just a slightly different type of normal. I mean, I knew asexuality was different to being heterosexual, but I had myself so convinced that I wouldn’t be able to date another asexual, and thought I was feeling some sort of stunted version of sexual attraction to others. I thought all my relationship experience meant I was able to pass as a cishet allo. Because I had myself so convinced of this, and wanted to get married, I married “MG”, acehet allo man.

During the length of my relationship and marriage to MG (8 years – more than 4 times as long as any of my other relationships), I discovered more about my asexuality and romantic attraction. After the initial high of a new relationship wears off, and you get into the long term part of the relationship - well that’s when I discovered that what I had thought was sexual attraction, was something completely different, and started to discover how sex averse I actually was.

In the past I had broken relationships off by 1.5-2 years, thinking there was something wrong with me because I had presumed I no longer was in love with them – oh little did my heart know about the diversity of the aro-spec! MG had, for many years before we got together officially, regularly professed how much he loved me, and we’d get together, only for me to rapidly bail a few weeks later

when it got emotionally “too hard” or “ too scary” , or I felt smothered by the relationship. Eventually I decided to give the relationship a proper go. He was aware I was Asexual, I had been very active in the Australian/International asexual community for a long time, and he was a very private person and felt uncomfortable with myasexuality being so public, requesting I dropped my ace community involvement.

Over the course of the relationship/marriage, my asexuality started to become an issue. The longer the relationship got, the more I started to feel like I didn’t have to/want to put on the allo-ish mask I had worn for so long in relationships. It felt like it was now ok for me to not “want” sex as much. Over the marriage , I explained over and over that I don’t experience sexual attraction to ANYONE, and tried to explain that it’s just how I was wired. He would always say that for him sex and love were so intertwined that he couldnt separate them like I could.

We tried to compromise, but it always felt like I was the one doing all the compromising. I suggested that it was ok if he got sex outside the marriage, and he was adamantly against it saying he married me and he only wants to have sex with me. He wanted to feel WANTED in a way I didn’t feel. There were many things that went wrong with the marriage, but the last straw was that I had wanted 2 or more children, and he

wanted max 2, so we settled on 2 before we got married. After our son, he chss as bred his mind, and told me that if we had a second child our marriage would be over because he wouldn’t cope – and while he was entitled to feel that way, it utterly broke my heart, and I eventually left because I couldn’t reconcile staying when what we wanted was clearly do different.

In the last few years of the marriage I really started trying to pull apart my ace identity and my romantic attraction, because for so long it hadn’t occurred to me that I could have a different ace label for women compared to men. I hadn’t really thought about what sensual, aesthetic, platonic or alterous attraction looked like, because for most of my life had just assumed the attraction I did feel for ppl that I ended up dating was just a watered down version of sexual or romantic attraction. I started to come to terms with the fact that it was ok to be sex-repulsed, even if you have had sex that you enjoyed in a particular moment.

The 3 years since I left have been some of the best years I’ve had in a long time. I found my Ace tribe again, and am very involved with Asexuality activism, education, visibility and community. I started using new labels to describe my romantic attraction after many many hours pulling it all apart with fellow Aus Aces. I reconnected back

with AVEN, and as from earlier this year, I am in a QPR with a fellow Australian Ace, Kate - whom I’ve been friends with for 20+ years. We are looking at moving in together at the end of the year, with my son and I looking to move to her city. It’s definitely been a journey to get here, but I am the happiest I’ve been for a long time. Kate is an amazing partner, she is the most supportive, understanding and compassionate partner I’ve ever had, but she can also be a one-woman wrecking ball when she needs to be. She brings out the best in me, gives me space to be my neurospicy self, loves my son, and we complement each other well.

HAVE YOU HAD EXPERIENCE USING DATING SITES?

I have. They can be a bit hit and miss. I always wanted to like OkCupid and similar ones, but it’s always been very hard to find fellow Aces on them from Australia – although I did manage to find one of my Aus Aces friends which was kinda funny. I probably used them more when I was younger and had just assumed I’d be the one doing the compromising, and went on a number of dates with men from RSVP. I’ve taken a look at Tinder and Bumble and all the left/right swiping did my head in! Is it the screens left, or my left, or the left hand side of the person you are swiping? Gah! It was all very stressful, and I didn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression. Back in the early 2000’s when online dating websites were still newish, I didn’t dare put asexual on my profile. There wasn’t anywhere to do so. In more recent years, it has been easier, and I didn’t want to date someone who wasn’t ok with it, so I was very clear on them that I was asexual.

It was awesome when Asexuals.net and AceApp came out, but the ace dating pool can be so small sometimes, and it was rare to find Aussie Aces on them, let alone ppl that werem similar age with similar interests who wanted similar things. That was why I always assumed I would end up having to settle on a relationship with an Allo to have the relationship I thought I wanted. Turns out that is not the case.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ACE PEOPLE WHO ARE INTERESTED IN DATING?

While it might be tempting to just not say anything to a potential date about asexuality, in case you put potential people off, I think its really important to make it abundantly clear where your non-negotiable lines are drawn, but it does take confidence and the self assurance that you know you are ok as a person and that its ok for your to draw those lines.

You don’t want to start a relationship with someone who wants something outside of what you are ok with – and that goes for everything in a relationship, not just whether you are sex favourable or sex averse, but your expectations about what you want from a partner, do you want to eventually settle down or do you want something casual, do you want someone who has similar interests/ agrees with you politically/ doesn’t like alcohol, etc. Know what you can compromise on, and what you can’t. Make friends with people, without the expectation that it might turn into a relationship.

DO YOU THINK IT’S IMPORTANT TO SAY YOU ARE ACE AND STRAIGHT AWAY WHEN DATING?

I personally think its important, because you don’t want to be setting the other person up for certain expectations, that as an asexual you might not want/be willing/be able to meet, especially when it comes to intimacy. It’s only fair to make sure that person is aware that you do or don’t want or like things, just as they should tell you if there are things they expect/want/need or not, in a relationship. I feel as though if you are having to hide parts of yourself when you are just in the getting to know you stages, especially things you will not, cannot, or do not want to compromise on, or things you need or want from a partner, then that makes it hard for both parties to work out if this is something they want to pursue. You dont have to tell them the second you meet them that you are asexual, but I personally think you need to be clear with them before you start dating. It helps avoid broken hearts, people feeling as though they were given the wrong

impression, people asking things of you that you aren’t comfortable with, etc.

IN GENERAL, HOW HAVE POTENTIAL PARTNERS RESPONDED WHEN YOU TOLD THEM YOU WERE ASEXUAL?

Most have just not really known what it meant, and just presumed it meant that I didnt havesex, or that I was a prude/ naive about sex. Some have taken it as a challenge, or thoughtthey were the exception - that Iwould suddenly want sex, because they loved me or because they did something romantic or kind, and expected to get something out of it. A couple of partners, it didn’t even get mentioned, because at the time their libidio was lower than mine, and I was the one initiating things.

Because I do sometimes experience sensual or aesthetic attraction, and I had it confused for a very long time as sexual attraction, some have questioned how I could be asexual if I have had sex. Even talking in the ace community, I have felt like a bit of an outsider because so many asexuals I’ve talked with are aroace or totally alloromantic, never had sex and never want to, had sex, found it gross/traumatic and

never did it again, or are sex neutral/favourable, or a combination of these. So when i say “I’m a sex averse/repulsed ace who’s had over a dozen boyfriends, had sexual relationships with most of them, not entirely sure I experience romantic attraction but use biromantic and quoiromantic labels” I dont find many who have had similar experiences. Generally I tend not to talk about my relationship experiences because the person I am now separated from is the father of our child, and the social media that I use they are also present on, and they react badly when they are painted in a less than perfect/favorable light (regardless of the truth of what I am saying).

ANY OTHER THOUGHTS?

- Be honest and straightforward with others.

- Be realistic about what you want and expect.

- Realize you are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and that is ok.

- Surround yourself with people who love and care about you, who are in your corner, and who listen with compassion and kindness.

- Have at least 1 person who is going to tell you the absolute honest truth, even when it’s not what you really want to hear.

- Be prepared to grow as a person.

- Be brave and ask for what you want.

- You should always try to be your genuine self. If you want to be with someone long term, they need to see the real you, because that’s what’s going to be there once the new and shiny bit wears off.

- The people who mind, don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind.