13 minute read
QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH
from AVENues: Summer 2022
by AVENues
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This issue explores Asexual dating. How do Asexuals date? What are the difficulties in doing so?
WHAT ARE YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCES WITH DATING?
Not good so far - Anuj
Not really clear, I do have a person who I really like and we stayed together for a while but I think I’m not enough so I pushed her away :) and ever since I’ve never seen her again although my feelings are still here. Yeah, I need to work on that - Rhaieny
Asexual dating has evolved enormously over the past 5-10 years, especially online. In the old days you would use traditional dating sites, search for aces, and maybe get like 3 hits in a 100 km radius with none of them being your type. These days you look for people and you can often find several other aces in your city alone looking for partnership. There are also several sites and apps these days specialized for finding other aces. - Anonymous
Most of the time people I meet that are attracted to me, get dating confused with having sex. So I don’t believe I’ve ever actually dated someone. At least not yet. - Meg
Little, but gave each a good chance. I officially dated two people for 10 months apiece at ages 18-20, before realizing I am ace and haven’t really managed to date since- did not know how to navigate it or what I truly want from a relationship so kind of gave up for a long while. - Kristie
I started dating seriously post-college. I’ve dated periodically, off and on, and I have had a few relationships of 3-18 months. Currently single. - Anonymous
I’ve never dated anyone - Laura
I have been in love with people but I can’t feel sexual desire towards them. I dated once in high school. I was young and trying to figure out how to get my feelings across to my partner without sex. They were offended by the fact that I didn’t find them personally attractive. I was forced to do things that deeply traumatized me later. - Phoga
I have never been sure if it’s dating or just friends. For the longest time I felt uncomfortable dating, which surprisingly changed after I accepted myself as asexual (even though I’m still not out). - C.
Limited long term relationships, no casual dating. - Cass
Not good - Rachel
Mostly good, but I haven’t found what I’m looking for. The people I felt a strong connection with weren’t ace (which complicates the idea of a relationship) and the aces I did meet I didn’t feel or develop romantic feelings for. - Mar
Online dating, long distance. I vibed with the person I was talking with, but I realized dating was not for me. It was too much effort. - Abigail May
I’m 70. I’ve dated a lot in my long life. I’ve been married three times. I’m still married to my last wife on paper...... Haven’t seen or talked to her for over three years now. I love going out with my friends but I have no desire to go on an actual date ever again. - TerriLee Bell
Before I realized I was demisexual I had very little experience and afterwards I’ve had even less experience. - Lian Acklin-Richardson
Had a boyfriend, we broke up because what we wanted in a relationship was very different - Marianne
Being also aromantic, I tend to not date. The few times I have done so have been closer to attempted hookups (from other people).
I am trying to find a platonic relationship, but am having a very difficult time. - A
I’m never much fun because I don’t realize when people are flirting with me. - Jessica P
Being undiagnosed Bipolar resulted in my hamster wheel of seeking validation from the next person who will put up with me ‘love’ me. I was abused but also didn’t know I was to be treated well. It was not until I saw the + on the stick, and the validation I was seeking was eliminated. Whether I carried or failed, kept or gave up, the next 10 months I did not exist, my bipolar ‘self’ became angry and indignant that I was where I was. Did I get this way while he was non consensually using me oddly no I thought that’s how it is supposed to be. He can hurt me. I was raised to take it. But to hurt someone who was unable to defend themselves that was The Straw-When he attempted to push me out of the car going 65 on the highway I said NO MORE!
I Am Done= no more other person needed to ‘complete’ me. - Taryn
HAVE YOU FOUND ASEXUALITY IS EASY OR DIFFICULT TO BRING UP TO PARTNERS OR POTENTIAL PARTNERS?
It’s been virtually impossible - Anuj
I never tried - Rhaieny
Not very well. - Anonymous
For me I need to raise it early on to know who is or isn’t suitable before proceeding any further. It works out well doing it this way. No one wastes anyone’s time. - Anonymous
I recently found thia site while googling sexual orientation. I’ve recently experienced a hate incident. Only to discover I’m grey sexual and could have explained myself or felt confident bringing it up to a potential partner had I read this sooner. - Meg
Course it is tricky to explain if they have not come across it before but I wouldn’t say I avoid mentioning it now, in fact I often use it as a reason why they might want to look elsewhere... being the sex averse type. - Kirstie
I only figured out that I was ace partway into my most recent relationship. That didn’t seem like a good time to raise it with that person, and we later ended the relationship. I haven’t decided how to bring it up if a future relationship gets that far. - Anonymous
No idea, never had a partner or potential partner - Laura
Pretty easy. I even use it as a gatekeeper. If they don’t accept me for what I am, and are willing to compromise, then I see no future in such a relationship. - Phoga
For me it’s very difficult, as I fear rejection. But I have also had this experience when I told the other person (a man) that I am not interested in sex - we ended up not pursuing the relationship, but it was all friendly and nice and it didn’t feel bad at all. - C. Difficult. - Cass
Difficult - Rachel
It’s written on my online dating profile, so people know beforehand I’m ace. It’s more difficult when meeting new people in real life but I bring it up as soon as I sense they might be interested in me. Most understand, some don’t, but I’m learning not to take that personally and move on when someone can’t wrap their head around the concept. - Mar
I am very comfortable with my sexuality, so it wasn’t an issue for me. - Abigail May
No - Anna
It’s easy for me. - TerriLee Bell
Mostly no, if they don’t already know then I can find it intimidating but overall it’s not to difficult - Lian Acklin-Richardson
Difficult, that’s a deal breaker to most potential dating partners I have found - Marianne
Mixed. I am a politely honest person, so they will know before or during the first date. I do feel many people who would probably qualify as Ace are still trying to choose by society’s messages. They expect instant-love, high interaction, ultraconnections. - A
Very hard to bring up. - Jessica P
I Now am Repulsed to contemplate being near another person sexually. I live a Very Content Solitude life and vicariously through the extension of a few trusted friends. - Taryn
HAVE YOU USED DATING SITES BEFORE?
Yes - Anuj
No - Rhaieny
Yes plenty of fish.com - Meg
No- the vast majority I suspect may garner the wrong kind of attention and I am un-willing to risk the amount of unsolicited images I may get in my inbox. You could say dating sites intimidate me. I have heard there are ace dating sites but I have also heard there are very few people on them and that it might not be worth bothering. This is more of a potential than the standard sites however. - Kirstie
Yes. - Anonymous
No - Laura
No - Phoga
Yes, Bumble. - C.
1 week...it was horrible - Cass Yes - Rachel
Yes, both for aces specifically but also a general dating app (okc) - Mar
I used an asexual dating site to find someone. - Abigail May
No - Anna
I have! I don’t anymore since there are just too many fruit loops I had to deal with. - TerriLee Bell
Yeah - Lian Acklin-Richardson
No - Marianne
Yes, though not many. - A
Yes - Jessica P
Yes - Taryn
DO YOU FIND DATING AS AN ACE PERSON EASY OR DIFFICULT?
Difficult - Anuj
Difficult, you need to sort it out with yourself first
So far (20y) I was interested in just one girl. She had a boyfriend but she liked me and broke up with him buuuut she’s a very sexual person (even tho she didn’t tried anything with me, actually - she introduced me into the asexual world and told me about that possibility-). Anyway what I’m trying to say is: since I saw her relationship with him happen, I’m very insecure abt it and feel that I’m not enough, I am also stubborn as fuck, I could try to resolve it with talk but I just ran away and I’ve never been in another relationship since then - Rhaieny
It is definitely difficult, but a billion times easier than it used to be. - Anonymous
Unsure. But now I’m going to give it a try. - Meg
Difficult. I don’t really know how to even begin, as I don’t offer the full package, or that is my interpretation of what allo folk will be thinking. I considered a potential partner may need an open relationship so they can fill those Needs elsewhere but I think I am uncomfy with the idea so I’ve tried to be content on my own. Since releasing my identity I have stopped trying to flirt in case it gives the wrong idea and am a lot more anxious about getting close to someone.
Friends have said there are plenty of fellow aces in the sea, but it has been somewhat difficult to ignore the 1% of the population stat- out of that, how many are also aro... and let’s not forget how long and hard the search is for a true match for many allo’s out there, who have many times the amount of fish in their oceans. I’m not intentionally trying to be pessimistic, some of this does feel a bit like fact. But you know, I’m sure it’ll happen when I’m least expecting it and not searching for it. - Kirstie
The early dates are easy, but I have no idea at what point my dates would expect to start considering greater physical intimacy. - Anonymous
Difficult - Laura
Haha, as if I can date another ace. I have met other aces in real life. But I think we are all tired of falling in love and making compromises. We think we’d rather spend our lives alone. - Phoga
It’s hard to say. First dates are generally easy. After, I don’t really know, but also I haven’t been trying to date all that long. - C.
Very difficult, difficult to detect sexual flirting, feel left out. - Cass
Difficult - Rachel
Difficult! - Mar
As a person who knew there sexual/romantic orientation I found it easy to talk, but difficult to maintain. I am ace/ aro and the main person I communicated with was demi/ biromantic. I learned that my needs were very different. Though he was a great person, I just couldn’t maintain it. I did not like communicating daily. I love people but I like space and I realized that maintaining a romantic/platonic relationship was not for me. - Abigail May
Difficult - Anna
Impossible........ - TerriLee Bell
Difficult - Lian Acklin-Richardson
It is difficult, finding someone who is not ace to have a relationship with is near impossible, at least in my area I have yet to meet another ace - Marianne
Difficult. Definitely. I would love a low cost, good Ace dating site. - A
I’ve never dated an Ace before. - Jessica P.
I have not ventured out that way. - Taryn
AS AN ASEXUAL, DO YOU FEEL THAT WHAT YOU LOOK FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT FROM THAT OF SEXUALS?
Yes - Anuj
Absolutely. I look for someone more than a friend but just when it comes to cuddle and other not sexual forms of kindness other than that someone I can count on - Rhaieny
Um... sexuals look for sex and asexuals usually don’t, so yes. In other regards I think things are fairly similar in the sense that it is all highly dependent on the individual. - Anonymous
Yes. I’m resting on the back of my heels not in a rush and sexuals are head over heels. - Meg
Yes, mainly because I am sex averse and decided to stick to my guns on that after trying to make an ordinary relationship work twice and struggling psychologically. It wasn’t worth that struggle
so if I cant find a queer platonic relationship I’m probably best off going solo.
I think if I was less averse and it were just a case of doing That less often, people would be ok with compromise and it would be easier. - Kirstie
I think there’s a spectrum of interest in physical and sexual intimacy, and I specifically avoid potential dates who rate sexual activity/frequency high on their list of expectations. Beyond that, I don’t know how to rate or weigh compatibility in physical/sexual intimacy as a factor in a relationship’s viability. - Anonymous
Yes - Laura
Pretty much the same: living together, spending quality time, watching romance movies etc. I can compromise on the sex part but ideally, I just don’t want sex. - Phoga
Yes. I meet a lot of people for whom the physical part of the relationship is very important, which is very different for me when I look for emotional bonds. - C. Highly different. Friendship and emotional/intellectual priority. Physical/sex barely on radar. - Cass
Yes - Rachel
Yes! Looking for intimacy and a deed personal connection I may share with allos, but I’m looking for someone not to have sex with, whereas sex is often at least somewhat important to allos - Mar
I absolutely do. The person I was with was demi and they had higher expectations for a relationship than I did. - Anna
Kind of. I look for less than they do. Like, a relationship without sex. Who really needs sex at 70 anyway???? :-) - TerriLee Bell
Not completely. I believe that most people go into relationships with the intention of finding something more than just sex - Lian Acklin-Richardson
Yes, I dare say most people think sex is an important part of a relationship and want that, I do not want that, I just want someone to be around, someone that I can confide in and care for - Marianne
Yes, although some of that may be aromanticism. I am fine with gentle liking, progressing to urge to confide, progressing to true trust and platonic love.
Most Sexual people seem very focused on sex as a filtering tool. And seem to choose first (or all) partners based on attractiveness, instead of actual compatibility. Which is disheartening. - A
Yes... everyone in today’s society relied on sex so much. - Jessica P
Absolutely! I DONT have attraction to an outward appearance, stimulation has come from conversation and time invested. - Taryn
