Jan uar y 2 017
Issue #3 Mental Health & Mindfulness
Mental Health is often a difficult subject to talk about. There is a lot of stigma around the topic particularly amongst the youth. Sometimes it's hard to put into words what is going on in our heads as sometimes we don't even understand it ourselves. This issue is an expression of mental health as well as aiming help people suffering from mental illnesses.
By Tia Thomas
You Said It Would Get Better The anger For fuck sake, you said it would get better, you said the voices would calm. You said that I just need to put a smile on my face and things would get better. It's 3am and i can't sleep. I'm tossing and turning. The voices getting louder and my self esteem plunders. I walk to the toilet and chunder the food from the previous days. I need to be skinny. I need to look pretty. You said it would get better. It's now 4am and my mind is thumping I can't focus. Starving. Self destructive thoughts echo inside of me. I give in. One slash across my wrist, I need the pain. I deserve the pain. You said it would get better. Everyone at school has the brains and the looks. Do you understand how undermining this is. I need to be like them, how do I be like them. You said it would get better. I compare and compare, stick thin models looking so happy with their plastered smile. This is what boys want, right? This is what they orgasm to, I need to be like this. You said it would get better.
Maybe she was right, maybe I am too loud and dumb. Fuck. How do I fuck up so badly. I need to be quiet and stay thin. This is how people will like me. You said it would better. Yet another trip to the bathroom, throwing up. Today I threw up blood. Maybe I should tell someone. Maybe I should keep quiet and carry on. I need help. I spoke to someone today, describing the war that goes on inside my head is terrifying. But my nights have become more calm. I started singing with my mother today, something I haven't done in months. Smiles were creeping around my face. I threw away self destructing items, I need to help my self. For the first time in 6 months I didn't throw up today. My insides didn't burn, I could sleep the whole night. What is going on ? I started smiling in public again and wearing clothes which showed parts of my body. This is the change I need Maybe she was right, things do get better. No day is worth not living.
STOP.
Breathe. It's going to be okay.
The life you have right now, isn't going to stay this way. You may see another Christmas, a new day dawn. You may live to see your first child born You may see your brothers and sisters or watch your family grow. Imagine their faces when they see you with no flow. You've got places to visit, movies to see, sunsets to watch faces to gleam, things to make and to create. Nieces, nephews, children, grandchildren of yours or your mates, yet to awake. Imagine their cute little eyes beaming at your face, their pure innocence to light up the world or having to explain to them what happened to their uncle or aunt or godmother or father, grandfather or nana. You've got things to discover, bike rides to go on, new foods to try out, books to read, hands to hold, people to embrace, religious journeys to practice. Imagine the face of your future partner when you first meet, when they tell you how much they mean to you. You've got sports to try, hobbies to take up, species to save, an expanse of knowledge to learn, new music to make, to listen to, to write. Celebrations to have, places to decorate, chocolate to eat and many, many more. Suicide is not the answer. There's so much more to live for. It's always cliche but there'll come a time where you may feel this way again but you will be a different person. You will be able to deal with it better but for now: You can get through this.
Unreal i don’t know what to feel anymore i don’t know if i’m real anymore blurred sight took flight no wonder i can’t see wings faulted thoughts flawed down on the ground stomach speaks am i enough for them? i tried but it didn’t feel real to me been this way want to go away people bothered by me i bothered by others worried all the time of my insufficiencies if i don’t fix them, what would i be? numbers aren’t suppose to define me but i feel a lurching pain in my stomach and a defeated pounding in my mind when i look over and over hoping erasing each time trying it won’t go away hiding it won’t make it go away please make it go away
By Sara
People care about you
(even that random person from your favourite shop)
Stay Alive
Fear of Brewing Emotion There's a common fear that lives inside each of us, although we may not realise it. It's all been pushed in front of us, dwelling deep within and among us. That is the fear of being real particularly the fear of sadness. At least once a day you will conform to this because it has been deemed a part of our etiquette. We've all heard the phrases: "Smile for the camera!" "Cheer up!" "Turn that frown upside down!" All, of which, commonly express that you should just wear a smile and your life will be eternally good. But I don't want to smile for the camera at least not this time round. Why not? You may ask. To which I'd whisper it doesn't always feel real. The question we should be asking is why are we so afraid and fragile when we try to be real? Hiding from what everyone else needs to see. We fail to realise that in a room full of people ashamed and fearful of our self expression, there is a likelihood that someone else is feeling the exact same way. Previously I heard one of my friends talking about a Christian camp they visited over in Australia. There was a massive assumption that everyone else on
the plane was an atheist. However, they soon came to realise that the majority of people in that aircraft were in fact Christians. Similarly, there's a huge reluctance to feel sad. As soon as the ‘blues’ wash through our heads and begin to drip from our eyeballs. We reach for the tap and do everything in our power to turn it off. The command "Stop crying," echoes through our brain. Usually followed by a meek "I'm so sorry." We rarely ever apologise for experiencing too much happiness because any other emotion seems to get in a tangle I'm so sorry for feeling any other emotion than the ones I've been programmed to feel explicitly by society. One day you should just sit there and allow yourself to feel. Sit there and cry. Sit there and feel alive. It’s also incredibly important to know how to deal with sadness so it doesn't progress into a snowball of conflicting confusion. As cheesy as it may sound, these kinda work. Figure out what you're automatically drawn to to steady your emotions. Whether that be writing, drawing, painting,
making music. As twenty one pilots say in Kitchen Sink: ‘Write something yeah it might be worthless, paint something yeah it might be wordless pointless curses nonsense verses.’ Find your safe escape. Talk to someone. Your best friend, your teacher, your dog or cat or chinchilla. Once you begin to discuss your emotions with other people you realise that you're not alone, people care about you and you’ll feel a huge burden lifted off your shoulders. Yet during those times when there's no one to talk to you should listen to music. Here are a few suggestions: If you're angry or want to feel listen to metalcore/post hardcore/ rock music.(Bring Me the Horizon, Pierce the Veil, Asking Alexandria, Of Mice & Men, The Amity Affliction) Or if you want to feel and can't stand rock, listen to eerie electronic music without words. If you're one of those people that combat sadness with happiness straight away, listen to pop music. If you're just feeling sad, listen to poppunk (Real Friends, As It Is)
Overall, just remember it’s important to feel as well as ‘channel the inevitable disappointments into your craft.’ (twenty one pilots on being signed to fueled by ramen) Make the most of how you feel.
Inside the Mind of Someone with Anxiety... Recent research suggests, that as many as 1 in 6 young people in the UK will experience an anxiety condition in their lives. For me, it was particularly bad at secondary school; however some people are plagued by anxiety & panic attacks for the majority of their lives. If you’re struggling with anxiety, know that there are lots of treatment options for you, and that it does get better <3 You’re laughing, quiet and reserved so as to not draw too much attention to yourself; while your friend rocks backwards and forwards on her feet, giggles erupting from her lips. The school corridor hums around you. The toilet opposite you has flooded, and there’s a faded wet floor sign standing crooked in a pool of water and mushed up toilet roll. A faint smell of urine touches your nose. Nice. Your hands gently curl into fists in the scratchy blazer pockets, while you nod and smile when appropriate to the conversation.
"You wonder: what must they think of you?" Suddenly, you notice a mass of students from your class looming down the corridor, approaching. They’re roaring with laughter like lions on the hot African plains, tossing their hair about; fluffing it up to it’s full height. With each step they take towards you, your stomach twists, slowly contorting itself into an impossible knot. Your focus is now entirely on them. Your friend’s voice fades into a dull buzz of background noise, as your heart begins to clunk in your chest. The leader of the pack is gazing intently at you, a wicked smile etched on her lips. Her eyes are burning into yours, as you try to look away but you can’t. Your breath catches in your throat. All too soon they’re there. Penning you in, breathing down your neck, pressing you into the wall. Heart flip flopping in your throat, you pull on your mask of happiness. Smile carved into your face, you wonder: do they know? “Has anyone done the English homework?” “F**k no, Mr Stephens never bloody checks it
anyway.” Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope… Moist palms. Very moist palms. Subtly, you remove your hands from the blazer, and surreptitiously wipe them on the grey school skirt. Better. You clench your fists together behind your back, cutting little crescent moons into your skin with your nails desperately focusing on the pain over the people. So many people, oh no. The air is crushed from your lungs in an instant. The feeling of suffocation overwhelms you, and it feels like drowning. Through gritted teeth and a smile, you heave in a breath but get nothing. It’s as though the world has turned into a vacuum. There is no oxygen, carbon, nitrogen, or argon. There is nothing. Your breaths are becoming quicker, and panic clouds rational thought. Your body wants to hyperventilate, and you can feel the rapid rise and fall of your chest. Desperately, you fold your arms across your rib cage in an attempt to suppress your breathing. You wonder: what must they think of you? Standing there gasping for air, you are pathetic. Can they tell you’re freaking out? How are they all so calm? How are they so normal? Why can’t you be normal, and not freak out at the slightest thing, like them? You’re an idiot. You f**ing hate yourself. You’re pointless. You’re worthless. “Oi Amber, heard about your party last week…” “Yeah?” "Yeah, heard you got off with Connor.” “Eww, no. Don’t be f**king ridiculous.”
“Just telling you what I heard.” “Well don’t! I bet that’s f**king Ryan spreading rumours again, I’ll kill him.” The pack laughs, so you laugh too taking the opportunity to guzzle down a lungfull of air. The heat is rising in your skin. You feel it trickling down your back, your hands, your face. Your face is ablaze. Cheeks flushing crimson, eyes wide and darting looking at their faces, looking at their feet, looking at the wall, looking at your feet. Just. Keep. Breathing. I’m okay. I’m fine, I’m fine, i’m fine, im fine im fine imfine imfineimfine… “You alright, Lucy?” “What? Yeah I’m fine...can’t believe f**king Ryan.” “Mmm, what an asshole.” You smile. They smile, and change the subject. Keep smiling, keep smiling. You can hear the blood pounding in your ears adrenaline running marathons through your veins. Dark grey fog is seeping through your brain, as...the corridor tilts. You close your eyes as your head whirls, leaning into the wall for support smiling all the while. To pass of the dizziness you flip your fringe out your eyes, obligingly giggling along to a mandatory joke about the girl with glasses who’s walking past. “Come in guys!” “Ugh, here we go. Welcome to f**king hell…” *Laughter* The crowd begins to disperse, trailing behind one another, single file into the English room. Then, finally, you can breathe again. Gently, you exhale relief flooding through your bones, easing the tension in your joints. You unfold your arms and unclench your fists, feeling the craters in your palm furrowed by nails into skin. As the fog recedes back to the corners of your mind, you feel lightheaded almost as though you might float away, like the fog has been weighing you down. You run your fingers through your chocolate hair with an unsteady sigh, as though old before your time, and adjust your bag
before heading into the classroom. The knowledge that you’ll have to go through this ordeal again in just under an hours time, haunts you. Trailing behind you like a ball and chain.
Men Don't Cry
y y
I actuall
cr
,
quite a bit
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y
sometimes it s of jo
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other times it s because I
.
find it hard to cope
I feel crying can be a bit embarrassing and humiliating so as a guy, I grew up to become tough against things that upset me and so I don't cry anymore, but sometimes people see me as a bit cold and heartless. I used to think that I shouldn't cry but I gradually came to realise, after events in my life, that it's okay and now I just let my emotions happen
Around 15 onwards, I realised everyone cries and its a natural outlet of emotions
'
.
'
y
I m not ashamed of it It isn t an
.
thing to be ashamed of
The Importance of Meditation What is meditation? Meditation was initially a Buddhist spiritual tradition which involved rhythmic chants. (mantras) However, nowadays it is used for stress relief, selfimprovement and mindfulness. Why meditation? I often find myself stressing out about college work, getting jobs, learning to drive, socialising etc. as do many of my friends. I used to mediate more frequently and maintain a level of peace with my mind however, it is something I have begun to take for granted. Some meditative methods allow you to achieve mindfulness through focusing on specific details. For example, when I went to a yoga class they taught us to relax at the end focusing on parts of our body from toes to head how they feel and how they move. There are also methods in which you simply focus on your breathing and feel the rise and fall of your chest as you do so. Another method I have found was in the 'Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World' is chocolate meditation where you focus on the smell, taste and look of the chocolate. Finally, although I'm not exactly sure of what it's called, I've also tried a method in which you cancel out your negative thoughts with positive ones. I reminds me of a bright orb bursting through the darkness.
Helplines UK
Samariitans: 116 123 jo@samaritans.org Beat (Eating DIsorders) 0345 634 7650 fyp@beat.co.uk Mind: 0300 123 3393 info@mind.co.uk NHS: 111 Sane: 0300 304 7000 Find Get Give: www.findgetgive.com Childline: 0800 1111
USA
The Trevor Project: (LGBTQ) 8664887386 Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 18002738255 NEDA: (Eating DIsorders) 18009312237
Brasil
141 www.cvv.org.br
Ελλάδα (Greece) 1018
Japan
Chile
TELL: 0357740992
el telefono de la esperanza or 00 56 42 22 12 00
Deutschland
France S.O.S Amitie: www.sos amitie.com INAVEM: www.iavem.org
(Germany)
Telefonseelsorge: 116 123 0800/111 0 222 0800/111 0 111
Worldwide www.befrienders.org/directory
Self - Help To Write Love On Her Arms: www.twloha.com
Canada
Kids Help Phone: 1 800 668 6868 Good2Talk: 18669255454 eMentalHealth: eMentalHealth.ca
Austrailia
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 Samaritans (Youth): 1800 198 313 Switchboard (LGBTQ) 0300 330 0630
Espana (Spain) El telefono de la esperanza: 902 500 002
Reasons to stay alive by Matt Haig
Feeling good: the new mood therapy by David D. Burns, M.D
Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Danny Penman & J. Mark G, Williams
Thanks for reading AVRA Issue #3 Issue #4 will be on Education. Deadline Saturday 18th February 2017 Submissions to avra.zine@gmail.com Thank You!