June 15, 2017
Volume 47 - No. 24
By Friedrich Gomez
All dads are super heroes, they just don’t wear a cape. They are truly the unsung heroes of our galaxy.
Dads come in all sorts of shapes, colors and sizes, but don’t let that fool you. They all come pre-assembled to act, talk, and behave in the exact same way. For example, all dads have a tool box in their garage which they love to show off to other visiting dads. The topic of tools usually comes up when dads are sitting in the living room talking sports: “Hey, Bob, did I ever show you the new set of tools I just got?” That’s when the sparks begin to fly – literally. Sometimes dad will fire up the ol’ electric drill set or rev up the electric buzz saw. When mom sees the lights dim in the house, she knows that dad is showing off his arsenal of Black and Decker tools.
All alpha-dads love to show off their fix-it skills by strapping on a heavy utility belt full of various tools and walk about the house. If they see something that is broken, you can usually tell within the first 5 seconds if dad’s in over his head. He’ll usually stare at the broken appliance for a while and then rub his chin and say something under his breath like, “Hmm, the doohickey has come out of the thingamabob, so I think the thingamajig is hanging off the whatchamacallit.” If you’re standing next to dad when he’s saying all of this, well, it usually all translates to: “Son, go get the duct tape.” Dads can fix just about anything with duct tape.
You see, dads can’t help trying to fix things with their tools; they have tools encoded in their genetic make-up, it’s in their genes, pure and simple. In fact, science has proven that the DNA of all dads is shaped like a tool box.
Dads are also basically the same in the way they talk to one another. They have their own language and expressions that only other dads can (fully) understand. They say secret things in ‘Dad Speak,’ kinda like when religious folk speak in ‘tongues’ at revival meetings. When I was only 6 years old I heard my dad ask his friend: “So, Willy, how’s life treating you?” That’s when Willy spoke in Dad Speak: “Oh, I dunno. According to my wife I’m happily married.”
I remember watching dad shaking his head and he also began to talk in Dad Speak: “Yeah, I hear you. But if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.” Another time I heard one of dad’s friends, Mr. Henderson, complain in coded Dad Speak, “My sex life is like shooting billiards with a rope.”
The Paper - 760.747.7119 The Paper - 760.747.7119 website:www.thecommunitypaper.com website:www.thecommunitypaper.com email: thepaper@cox.net email: thepaper@cox.net
That’s when I heard Mr. Henderson say he was going to visit Viagra Falls that year.
All dads love beer and love to shout during TV sports events. As a small kid I used to run bases for my dad during these testosterone sports gatherings. But instead of bases I’d run beer from the fridge to anyone sitting empty-handed on the couch. It was a tough job for a 6-year-old because my legs were short and dad’s friends could sure keep me running.
It’s only a matter of time during these marathon beer runs when one of the dads will eventually ask you to pull his finger. It makes no difference if your dad is from China, Russia, Europe or America – they will ask you, in their respective language, to “pull my finger.” It’s a universal trait because all dads accumulate gas and beer accelerates this process. Mom said dad’s beer gut is actually a liquid grain storage facility. In any case, I think in Russian, “pull
Obituaries Memorials Area Services Page 12
my finger” roughly translates to: “Trigger finger schtinken muffler siss boom,” but I’m not sure. After so many beers, they all begin to talk and sound funny and it’s not always easy to understand them. When I asked my dad’s good friend, Mr. Tatum, what his favorite beer is he said to me: “An open one.” That’s when I knew I had to run back to the fridge.
I think Father’s Day is one of the coolest days of the year because dad is plenty worth it. And he comes without a price tag. There’s no cash register in the world that can ‘ring up’ dad, simply because he’s priceless. How do you repay someone who has protected you, financially supported you, and taught you priceless pearls of wisdom, like: “When you get married Son, never go to bed angry with your wife. Stay up and fight.” A lot of what dad said made a lot of sense. He taught me how to fight fair:
“Don’t raise your voice – improve your argument.” Yep, that’s dad, all right.
But, then again, dads know how to fight dirty if they have to. So, the ‘don’t raise your voice – improve your argument’ philosophy sometimes flies out the window. For instance, when my grandpa was a young dad he did not take a shine to his next door neighbor, Mr. Peeves, but he never showed it openly. But when Mr. Peeves’ little boy turned 4-years-old, my grandpa gave him a trumpet for his birthday present. Odd thing was . . . Mr. Peeves was never known to be an early-riser. But that all changed at his little boy’s birthday party.
Dads come with various nicknames, such as “Pop” or “Daddy” or “ATM machine.” Mom especially sees daddy as an ATM machine. I’ve heard dads say that moms have stretch-marks but the stretch-marks are all on their credit
Dads are Unsung Heroes! Continued on Page 2