8 minute read
MY JOURNEY TO BABY
THE UNPREDICTABLE JOURNEY TO BABY
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After a six year battle with infertility and IVF, style expert and Emmy-winning TV host Lilliana Vazquez opens up about the long, winding road toward welcoming her first baby this summer.
photography by
JOYCE PARK
CONGRATULATIONS ON EXPECTING YOUR FIRST LITTLE ONE!
CAN YOU SHARE YOUR FERTILITY JOURNEY WITH US?
My journey to motherhood was challenging to say the least and involved a lot of heartbreak. In 2015, after a simple blood test at the behest of my OBGYN, I began a six-year-long battle with infertility and IVF. At the time, I was 35 and we weren’t thinking of trying to conceive just yet, but that diagnosis changed everything. I went through more than a dozen cycles of IUI/IVF and every failed cycle left me feeling broken. When you’re battling infertility, a bad day feels unbearable. A good day still feels hopeless. There were times where I said I couldn’t do this anymore and I’d stop for a bit. But then this strength and resilience would come out of me, and I’d try again. Finally, in April of this year, I shared with the world that I was pregnant with my first child due in July (any minute now!). This pregnancy is a complete blessing, but pregnancy after infertility also causes many mixed emotions that we don’t often discuss. There was a large part of my first trimester when I started each day with anxious feelings followed by very difficult questions— Would today be the last day I was pregnant? Would I ever feel Baby M’s kicks? When would I start to replace the fear I felt with joy?
And full disclosure, I felt ashamed for feeling this way. It seemed like everyone else who was pregnant on Instagram, in Mom groups, and even my own friends never seemed to feel this way, or at least they didn’t openly share these feelings with me. When your emotions inside don’t match up with the emotions people expect on the outside, it can feel very lonely and scary. But I’ve learned that there’s no right or wrong way to feel in this life changing journey— so give yourself the patience and permission to feel ALL the feels.
HOW DID YOU ULTIMATELY DECIDE ON IVF AND WHAT WAS
THE PROCESS LIKE FOR YOU?
At 35, and with an AMH level that was borderline undetectable, I wasn’t left with a lot of options. We quickly moved from IUI to IVF because of the numbers associated with my age and success rates. I’m grateful to have had an amazing doctor that was very honest with me about those numbers and also level-set at the start of each round so I could manage my expectations. IVF is not a cure-all; it works for some and not for others and it’s important to remember that as you enter each cycle.
Personally, the shots, medication, and physical part of the process wasn’t what I found most challenging. I was mentally prepared for those challenges and knowing that they had an end date helped me move through those harder days. The part I wasn’t as prepared for was the emotional toll it took on me, my marriage, friendships, work, and my day-to-day life as a whole. Looking back, IVF felt like an emotional fog over even the best of days. Some days, it was light and I could find my way through it; some days, I could barely see what was right in front of my face. The only constant was that it was present every single day. If I could go back, I would work as hard (if not harder) at the emotional wellness pieces as much as I focused on the physical. They work hand in hand towards IVF success.
MANY OF OUR READERS MAY NOT KNOW HOW INFERTILITY
DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTS THE LATINX COMMUNITY.
WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS?
There’s so much education and access missing from the conventional conversations we have about fertility. My personal experience and research over the last six years also led to learning about how infertility disproportionately affects my community— the Latinx community. I would look around the room in some of the best IVF clinics in the country and rarely would I see another woman of color. It immediately made me ask why? Especially when we know that infertility doesn’t discriminate. It can affect any woman, regardless of her ethnic background.
I quickly realized that the Latinx community does not have the same access, education, or financial resources when it comes to advanced reproductive technologies (ART). There’s also the added burden of having to battle many cultural stigmas that surround sexual and reproductive health and family planning for many Latinx families.
12% of American women ages 15 to 44 have received medical care for infertility between 2006 and 2010, according to the National Survey of Family Growth. But white women were almost twice as likely as Black or Latinx women to have done so. 15% of non-Hispanic white women used medical help to get pregnant, while only 8% of (non-Hispanic) Black women and 7.6% of Hispanic women reported the same.
These staggering statistics, along with a deeply personal mission to always use my platform to educate and empower my community, has inspired me to help bring awareness to the unique infertility struggles facing Latinas today.
WHAT WOULD YOU TELL MOMS WHO MIGHT BE EMBARKING
ON THIS SAME JOURNEY OR WHO MAY BE IN THE SAME
POSITION YOU WERE?
Make sure that your doctor isn’t just your physician, but your partner. Lean on them. Don’t be afraid to challenge their opinions and ask them all the questions you may have, they are there to help you find success and comfort through this very difficult journey. Sometimes that means you pivot and re-assess. A great doctor will welcome those changes. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all IVF plan.
There will also be many moments where you feel completely alone, even with the best of support networks. But feeling alone doesn’t mean you have to further isolate yourself so don’t be afraid to ask for help, even from strangers on the internet! It took me a long time to learn this lesson and I wish I would have learned it sooner. There is a
global community of strong and resilient women who are here, ready to listen, support, and share their kindness as you navigate this very difficult time.
Finally, find a therapist that has experience in maternal wellness and IVF. There are so many challenging emotions to navigate through and talking to a professional shouldn’t be a luxury for someone going through IVF, it should be mandatory.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST HELPFUL WAY TO SUP -
PORT SOMEONE GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY?
You want to always be empathetic towards the experience, especially if it’s something you’ve never been through. Small, thoughtful “just because” gifts like their favorite dessert or flowers and cards are some easy ways to let someone know you’re thinking about them without forcing a conversation that involves a status report on every shot, appointment, and cycle. While I was appreciative of those calls, they can often create an emotionally draining conversation for the person experiencing infertility. Another great way is planning a fun outing that can serve as a much needed distraction to help them escape the everyday difficulties of IVF.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PREGNANCY THUS FAR?
I’ve been blessed with a very “boring” pregnancy! My doctors says it’s the best kind, but to be honest, after six years of challenges and heartbreak, I think I’ve earned it!
I’m not the kind of person to deprive myself of anything food-wise when it comes to my diet, so other than craving Sumo oranges (I would eat so many in a day, the grocery store clerks knew me by name), I haven’t had any crazy cravings. I was hoping the baby would push me to try some fun flavor combos like pickles and milkshakes (my mom’s cravings with me) but this baby just likes to eat, period! I think the one thing that has surprised me is how much energy I’ve had, even in this last trimester. I’ve been moving my body and still working a ton. My days at work start with a 4:30am wake-up call and require long hours at the studio, but the structure and schedule of those days along with getting through a live TV show without a hiccup (despite serious baby brain) make me feel successful and more like myself!
HOW IS THE NAME GAME GOING FOR YOU? ARE THERE
SOME NAMES THAT YOU LOVE AND YOUR HUSBAND
DOESN’T?
We don’t know the gender so names have been twice as hard since we have to have both boy and girl names.
We didn’t have any “rules” about names, but one thing we settled on as soon as we found out I was pregnant was that we would honor my Latinx heritage with a Spanish name. So for now, we have one girl name and two boy names to choose from.
SINCE YOU’RE SO CLOSE TO THE BIG DAY, TELL US— HOW
ARE YOU PREPARING FOR BIRTH?
By doing the things everyone tells you not to do— moving into a new home and taking on major renovation and decor projects! I wish I was the kind of person who could sit still and just veg on Netflix, but I love a task and to-do list!
In all seriousness, I’m really taking these last few weeks to focus on spending quality time with my partner and savoring every moment as a party of two. It’s been just the two of us for almost 15 years, so there’s a big transition that’s about to happen in our relationship. Prioritizing meaningful conversations, time together, and having fun doing the things we love has been at the top of my prep list.
IF YOU COULD GIVE YOUR BABY ONE PIECE OF ADVICE,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Always ask “why not” instead of “why?” Life will fly by and it’s much more fun to live this way!
