Partners in Spirit by BahaiBookstore.com

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Partners in Spirit What Couples Say About Marriages That Work By Heather Cardin

Wilmette, IL

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INTRODUCTION Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

This is a book about what makes marriages work. It is written from a perspective that includes spiritual life because the majority of the people who agreed to be interviewed believe that spirituality is an important component of marital success. Many of those interviewed are members of the Bahá’í Faith. Some originally came from a variety of religious backgrounds—such as Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and Buddhist— while others were born into Bahá’í families. Many elements of their stories are useful for anyone interested in how happily married couples approach their marriages on a daily basis. The Bahá’í Faith teaches this construct: peace is inevitable. Such a belief may appear utopian, but Bahá’ís are convinced that with work, love, and time, this world will become a better place, and they dedicate their lives to this goal. Their hope is founded, in part, on a statement of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá— the son and appointed successor of the faith’s Prophet and founder, Bahá’u’lláh—as he laid the ³rst stone of the Bahá’í Temple in Wilmette, Illinois, in 1912. He said, placing the stone, “The Temple is already built.” The physical temple, of course, took many years to build, and the story of its construction is replete with the victories that come with vision and hard work. He was, as he deposited the stone in the place where it still rests, seeing the future, and he was seeing it with con³dence. He taught, in that moment, a spiritual

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principle in practical action—the ideal, as stated by his father, Bahá’u’lláh, to “see the end in the beginning.”1 Marriage is such a vision. When two people marry, they undertake to see the end as it begins: to see their lives unfold together, regardless of what happens. The temple of their marriage is built, piece by piece, stage by stage. Several years ago, as I thought of marriage in this fashion, I wondered about the building blocks of marriages. So I asked forty-three couples about their apparent success in their marriages. Their responses were articulate, thoughtful, and insightful. Some people were working in a second or third language and still managed to share their perspectives with clarity and ·uency. I collected the couples’ stories through “snail-mail,” email, telephone interviews, and face-to-face interviews. The stories came from all over the world. For all who wanted them, I o²ered a list of nineteen “guiding questions” that I had developed for the respondents to use. The questions were: 1. Why do you think your marriage is successful? 2. Are there spiritual principles or values that you feel have been particularly useful or of assistance to your success in marriage? 3. How important was / is consultation? 4. How do you deal with anger with each other or with others? Please share other emotions and their e²ects. 5. How have children a²ected your relationship, if applicable? 6. Is money a pressure?

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7. What is “love” or “falling in love?” Are these de³nitions important in your marriage? 8. How important is sexual attraction? 9. How many years have you been married to this person? How did you “know?” 10. How have you changed, independently or with each other? 11. How much, if at all, do you “rely” on each other? 12. Do you consider your marriage an “easy” one or is it successful because of a lot of “work?” 13. How did your own childhood a²ect your expectations and perceptions of marriage? For example, do you think your view on this subject is di²erent according to when, or where, you were born and raised, such as the 1950s in Canada compared with the 1980s in Africa? 14. Has your relationship been a²ected by the media? 15. What habits or practices have contributed to the success of your marriage? 16. How do you deal with household tasks? 17. Are there changes or evolutions which have been critical to your marriage? 18. Have you ever considered separation and divorce, and if so, how did you manage to “stick it out?” My last question asked couples to comment spontaneously on any areas that they felt I might have omitted. In retrospect, I would eliminate question 14, the media question, since everyone who replied to it indicated that it was not an issue, and replace it with a question about culture. Some

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couples shared very similar cultural backgrounds, while others commented on how adapting to di²erent heritages could be both an enriching and a challenging experience. Almost all the couples described marriage as a process, something built from the ground up. As Karin Ferguson, a Canadian recently returned from Belize, put it, “My husband Ian and I have been married ³fty years. This is an amazing feat no matter which way one looks at it—as most people today just don’t think of doing anything for ³fty years. . . .” We are all too aware of the many things that can derail the hopefulness of a wedding ceremony. Divorce statistics speak eloquently to loss of vision. What the hopeful couple believes, aspires for, and promises, does not happen. This tends to make people believe that it is not possible, really, to be happily married, and they lose con³dence in the concept of marriage. Many, of course, decide not to marry and simply move in with one another. For Bahá’ís—as well as others who believe in chastity before marriage—this is not an option. The central metaphor for marriage in the Bahá’í teachings is that marriage should be “a fortress for well-being” for the married couple.2 Within this fortress, the couple is able to live together in mutual happiness, and they are able to withstand the many hardships that often drive unmarried couples apart. The couples and individuals who shared their stories with me for this book spoke frankly from the point of view of the most powerful teacher: experience. They have, for the most part, been married to one person for a long time, and after enduring many struggles and challenges, have come to be-

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1 SPIRITUAL FOUNDATIONS AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

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When, therefore, the people of Bahá undertake to marry, the union must be a true relationship, a spiritual coming together as well as a physical one, so that throughout every phase of life, and in all the worlds of God, their union will endure; for this real oneness is a gleaming out of the love of God. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

It is di¹cult to de³ne spirituality. It is also somewhat challenging to examine our own emotional development. Sometimes the two seem quite interconnected, and at other times, they seem independent of one another. In this chapter, the individuals I interviewed o²ered various perspectives on how marriage is an aspect of both spiritual growth and emotional change.

Spirituality and Marriage I was interested in exploring the e²ect of a “spiritual” perspective on the success of marriages, and what that meant. Ovidio Gomez of Honduras articulated the idea most concisely: “Every time I feel closer to God, or that I am growing spiritually, I feel more love and want to be closer to my wife Coral.” Susan Eghrari Moraes is of Persian origin but has lived in Brazil all her life. She o²ered an interesting analogy in her exploration of her happy marriage: When I think of my marriage, a classic example comes to my mind. When I was in the ³fth grade, my math

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EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

teacher introduced a new subject to the class—the intersection points between two circles. He drew two separate circles on the board, each with its own individuality and characteristics. The next stage consisted of drawing the intersection points between the circles. They continued to have their own identity, but after a certain moment the two circles mingled one with the other, and within that shared area, the teacher applied a di²erent texture that was common to both circles. The more the centers of each circle came closer to each other, the wider the area of intersection became. Susan’s analogy makes me think of spirituality as a circular force, the intersection of two individual circles coming together. The idea that marriage has a spiritual component is not unique to the Bahá’í teachings; however, the application of “spirituality” to marriage has many de³nitions. Another couple, Ginny and Greg Kintz, Americans then living in Africa, also used a geometric analogy to describe the success of their marriage: “Fundamentally, our marriage works because, in spite of the di²erences in our individual interests, career choices, habits, and so on, we have a common vision of our purpose in life. The ‘triangle analogy’ has proven to be completely true in our marriage. This is the illustration in which God is the apex of the triangle and the other two points represent the marriage partners. As the partners individually draw closer to God, the result is that they grow closer to each other.” At the time of this writing, Greg and Ginny have been married “twenty-seven wonderful years.” They note, “We talked about the future, and it was mutual dreams and goals— when we couldn’t imagine the future without being together.”

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Service and Marriage

Service and Marriage Service was another important aspect for several of the married couples I interviewed. The Kintzes emphasized service to their faith as an important component in their marriage: Our primary, mutual goal is service to our faith. We go about it di²erently and serve in di²erent ways, but we both recognize this as the purpose of our being. Everything else is secondary. We include maintaining a strong marriage and happy family life in our de³nition of service. Faith needs strong families, and thus the time that we take for just being together as a family is, for us, time spent as service. We learned about the importance of family time from a Bahá’í couple that we looked to as role models. This family time has been extremely important, both for our marriage and for building the strong bond that we have with our children. Helen de Marsh, in telling the story of how she and Maury Milo² decided to marry, o²ered several insights into the importance of a “spiritual coming together” during courtship. Helen, a Bahá’í who chose her faith in young adulthood, said, “Maury had these round John Lennon glasses, an afro, and piercing eyes. He impressed me with his knowledge and his analytical skills; boy, could he hold forth on just about any topic! We cast about for a way to be of service. We decided then that we would go to St. Pierre and Miquelon together on the French Immersion Program the following summer. As it turned out the program was full, but Maury showed his usual tenacity and kept calling the director in the hope of a cancellation.”

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The idea of serving their faith together is one that has cemented the connection of many people who pursue their spiritual beliefs as a component of courtship. Helen continued the story: I found myself in the fog, landing in a tiny plane on this rocky bit of an island which was something out of my wildest dreams. It was France, but it was Newfoundland all at once. Men in berets would go out on bikes to gather the loaves at dawn to start the new day, just as the ³shermen were setting out for the catch. Naturally, I was swept overboard by this truly amazing man in that surreal place. The moment of truth came for our relationship and I found myself alone, walking the streets of St. Pierre in the densest fog, repeating the Tablet of Ahmad* and considering our future. I had weighed my requirements with myself, and during the prayer reverie I experienced a sense of con³rmation that is indescribable. Let me just say it was as if the gates of heaven opened and we were as good as married in my heart and mind. I was interested to note that Helen suggested, in this part of her narrative, that she had “requirements” when looking for a marriage partner. Many people have an invisible wish list, and one of the themes that emerged from the stories I was hearing in preparing this book was that often, couples would discover during the course of their marriage that what they had thought were their requirements had undergone * Written work of Bahá’u’lláh that is often used as a comfort during di¹cult times.

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Spiritual Courtship

change, or that their spouse was a di²erent person from whom they had thought. Helen added a bit more to this story: “The next day I met the poor bewildered Maury, whom I had been cold-shouldering somewhat, and told him that it was a done deal! We sat and gazed out at the Atlantic Ocean and read The Seven Valleys (a Bahá’í text) through, and more than that, we understood it!” To some readers, it may be very strange to think of a newlyengaged couple celebrating their engagement by reading scriptures from their religion. To others, it will appear quite normal. Helen’s story indicates that couples who value a spiritual component in their married lives will rely on the principles of their faith to help them realize and appreciate the purpose of their marriage. Helen noted that despite the joy she and Maury were experiencing about their decision to marry, there were other issues at stake. She stated, “My parents were not so excited to hear this news, which may have something to do with the fact that I was nineteen, a new convert to a di²erent religion, and not through my ³rst degree—never mind without a career established for myself. Also, this person was of a di²erent background and was newly adhering to this unknown faith that I had chosen as well. It was all a lot to absorb.”

Spiritual Courtship Another couple spoke about the spiritual component of courtship. This couple provides the sole exception to those in this book regarding longevity of marriage. They have not been married very long. However, David Brown’s story of his courtship was very interesting to me, in view of the di²er-

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