Something to Consider
Rethinking what it means to foster a child — you can offer hope to a child in need
THE BAIR FOUNDATION Children & Families
I
have three boys, Vincent (10), Nicholas (13), and Harrison (15). The oldest is my biological son. The other two I fostered, then adopted. I love them all equally, though each secretly believes I favor the other two more. As with any family, we have our ups and downs, and at times I cannot see how I can get everything needed to be done. Somehow it works out. It's a continual game of "give and take." Being a parent isn't easy, let alone a parent to a child who has been abused physically, mentally, as well as neglected. However, their past can fade with lots of love, support, therapy, and attention. I saw a film in my mid-20s called "Room for One More." Back then, I loved watching old black and white movies, and I'd check them out at Blockbuster when I got off work from waiting tables. "Room for one More" starred Cary Grant and Betsy Drake about a couple who adopted several children. The film was sentimental, and whatever problems the children faced were fixed seemingly effortlessly. But it was a good film, and years later, the words "Don't worry, we have room for one more" that Drake's character says when a social worker asks if she and her husband could take in another child, replayed in my head when my son asked if he could have a brother. My wife couldn't have any more children, and we strongly felt that Harrison should have a sibling. We joined the Bair foundation in Asheville and began taking classes to foster to adopt a child.
Harrison Ray and Vincent Ray, Christmas Morning 2021.
Our marriage had been falling apart for the past couple of years, and it didn't take Columbo to see that our seeking a new child was an attempt to save our marriage. We decided to quit. The marriage didn't last another six months. Before my oldest was born, I read countless books about raising babies and what to expect as a new father. None of it helped because things get forgotten, and children do not have a pause button to give us time to look over the books and refresh our memories. I grew up seeing my father little. Those days spent waiting for him to visit or for us to visit him dragged forever since my sister and I believed our father hung the moon and all the stars. When he called, my sister and I screamed with pure excitement, hearing him tell us he would be in town and visiting tomorrow or the coming weekend. Our father was good. He was an artist and genius, had many friends, and was the person who taught me my love of art, film,
Article by Dennis Ray
62 | RAPIDRIVERMAGAZINE.COM | RAPID RIVER’S ARTS & CULTURE | VOL. 25, NO 5 — JANUARY 2022
and literature. He just wasn't around much. A couple of days after Harrison's birth, I promised him I would always be there, full time, no matter what. A commitment I've kept. His mother wanted to take Harrison to live with her in South Carolina. I wouldn't let this happen. I fought for him to remain here in NC and won. Divorce and custody battles I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It destroys you from the inside, no matter who wins because no one wins.
THE PHONE CALL
In a deus ex machina twist, I received a phone call from the local Bair Foundation three years later. The woman calling, whose name I cannot recall, explained they sought potential foster families in my area. She noticed my wife and I had registered with Bair before but never finished our certification. She went on to mention that whatever had led us to leave early, maybe our circumstances had changed. Would we be interested in reapplying? "I'm sorry," I said, "but I'm now divorced and a single dad. I'm not sure if I'll have the time." At this point, she could have thanked me and hung up but instead asked me why I originally wanted to foster. I told her I felt my son needed a sibling. As soon as I said it, I knew it sounded awful like he was some prince, and I was buying him a peasant child for him to play with. "I didn't mean it like—" "—A lot of parents choose to adopt a sibling for their kid. It's no different than having another biological child. If anything,"