Something to Consider
Rethinking what it means to foster a child — you can offer hope to a child in need
THE BAIR FOUNDATION Children & Families
I
have three boys, Vincent (10), Nicholas (13), and Harrison (15). The oldest is my biological son. The other two I fostered, then adopted. I love them all equally, though each secretly believes I favor the other two more. As with any family, we have our ups and downs, and at times I cannot see how I can get everything needed to be done. Somehow it works out. It's a continual game of "give and take." Being a parent isn't easy, let alone a parent to a child who has been abused physically, mentally, as well as neglected. However, their past can fade with lots of love, support, therapy, and attention. I saw a film in my mid-20s called "Room for One More." Back then, I loved watching old black and white movies, and I'd check them out at Blockbuster when I got off work from waiting tables. "Room for one More" starred Cary Grant and Betsy Drake about a couple who adopted several children. The film was sentimental, and whatever problems the children faced were fixed seemingly effortlessly. But it was a good film, and years later, the words "Don't worry, we have room for one more" that Drake's character says when a social worker asks if she and her husband could take in another child, replayed in my head when my son asked if he could have a brother. My wife couldn't have any more children, and we strongly felt that Harrison should have a sibling. We joined the Bair foundation in Asheville and began taking classes to foster to adopt a child.
Harrison Ray and Vincent Ray, Christmas Morning 2021.
Our marriage had been falling apart for the past couple of years, and it didn't take Columbo to see that our seeking a new child was an attempt to save our marriage. We decided to quit. The marriage didn't last another six months. Before my oldest was born, I read countless books about raising babies and what to expect as a new father. None of it helped because things get forgotten, and children do not have a pause button to give us time to look over the books and refresh our memories. I grew up seeing my father little. Those days spent waiting for him to visit or for us to visit him dragged forever since my sister and I believed our father hung the moon and all the stars. When he called, my sister and I screamed with pure excitement, hearing him tell us he would be in town and visiting tomorrow or the coming weekend. Our father was good. He was an artist and genius, had many friends, and was the person who taught me my love of art, film,
Article by Dennis Ray
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and literature. He just wasn't around much. A couple of days after Harrison's birth, I promised him I would always be there, full time, no matter what. A commitment I've kept. His mother wanted to take Harrison to live with her in South Carolina. I wouldn't let this happen. I fought for him to remain here in NC and won. Divorce and custody battles I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It destroys you from the inside, no matter who wins because no one wins.
THE PHONE CALL
In a deus ex machina twist, I received a phone call from the local Bair Foundation three years later. The woman calling, whose name I cannot recall, explained they sought potential foster families in my area. She noticed my wife and I had registered with Bair before but never finished our certification. She went on to mention that whatever had led us to leave early, maybe our circumstances had changed. Would we be interested in reapplying? "I'm sorry," I said, "but I'm now divorced and a single dad. I'm not sure if I'll have the time." At this point, she could have thanked me and hung up but instead asked me why I originally wanted to foster. I told her I felt my son needed a sibling. As soon as I said it, I knew it sounded awful like he was some prince, and I was buying him a peasant child for him to play with. "I didn't mean it like—" "—A lot of parents choose to adopt a sibling for their kid. It's no different than having another biological child. If anything,"
she said, "I think it's better because these children need a family. And to address your original response, a lot of people think they don't have the time, but they find they do," she added. "We're always here to help our families deal with whatever comes up. So, it's not like we drop off a child and say thanks. Here you go," she said, and I could honestly hear the smile in her voice. At this point, I had some questions. I wasn't thinking about fostering a child anytime soon, but maybe when I remarried or worked fewer hours. We talked for a good 20 minutes. I asked questions, and she answered them, and if she didn't know the answer, she promised to find out and let me know. "Give it some thought," she then said, "and call us back if you have any questions or find you might have more time than you think." We hung up, and as I headed to the kitchen to prepare a sandwich, the title of that Cary Grant movie came again to me. My house had two vacant bedrooms. One
Nicholas and Harrison at the premire of King Kong on Broadway, 2019. The boys love theatre and were in few youth productions at HART Theater in Waynesville, NC
I had turned into a game room for board games and puzzles and Harrison's Wii U. The other, a guest room. We had the space. But were there enough hours in a day to work full-time and get Harrison to and from school, choir, and Cub Scouts, and take care of another child? If the kids were near the same age, they could go to the same school and do activities together. Still, it would require a tremendous amount of responsibility and time. It wasn't an easy decision, but it wasn't that hard either. I always gave money to the local Christmas fund, volunteered at the food kitchen, donated time to MDA telethons or ran articles, and donated advertising space for non-profit events like "Dining Out for Life" and countless others over the years. But so what? Was I helping any individual, and was I an active participant with any of those groups throughout the year? It was just an hour or two, here and there, a couple of bucks raised or given. It made me feel good, but
Nicholas's 8th Birthday, his first with us, 2016. Of all the birthdays since, Nicholas is fondest of this day because it is to him a celibration of his first birthday in his forever home.
what lasting contribution was I giving to my community? Was I doing anything that would be noticed or missed if I moved away? I figured I wouldn't be the best candidate for a foster parent, but I'd still be a better choice than the families these kids came from. The more I thought about it, the more I knew what I had to do. I called her back the next week and agreed to sign up and take the classes.
MYTHS & TRUTHS
When you foster, and I cannot speak of all foster agencies since I've only worked with the Bair Foundation, help and answers are just a phone call away. Plus, the ongoing parental schooling helped me become a better parent, more capable of handling my job and family life, by learning to make time for both. From what I can see, there are three foster parent positions to choose from, perhaps
Children & Families THE BAIR FOUNDATION
Nicholas Ray and Harrison with Chris Chris Bohjalian (writer of the novel The Flight Attendant) 2018. The boys have enjoyed meeting the many writers which visit Malaprop's Bookstore in Downtown Asheville.
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THE BAIR FOUNDATION Children & Families
more, if you dig deeper into the nuances. One is to foster to adopt—where a child is placed in your home who has already been permanently removed from their biological family. The second is a foster parent who takes care of a child until they are put back with their family. The third, and God bless them, are foster parents who take in children at any time of day or night immediately after the authorities have taken custody of the children. Here the kids will remain with them until a suitable family member is located or a foster home comes available. People unfamiliar with foster care can easily say why they wouldn't want to foster a child. After all, myths and stereotypes heavily feature in the public's awareness. I held these similar beliefs, which I discovered pretty soon into the process to be false or, at best, misleading. In particular, are foster parents do it for the money, and foster children are permanently damaged. The foster families I studied with or met in group discussions appeared both loving and sincere. And the money they do pay scarcely covers food, clothing, and entertainment for the child; little more. Since adopting my boys, adult acquaintances have opened up about being adopted or having adopted children in their past. None of them ever fit the stereotype we see depicted in popular culture. Any adult can legally have children. There are no restrictions or guidelines. However, being a foster parent is a highly regulated position. Homes are inspected, all adults 18+ living in the household must have a background check and be fingerprinted. Perspective parents must take parental and safety classes and be updated on these classes, usually once every two years. These children came from horrific homes, have experienced trauma, must be placed in the best home for their needs. Potential foster parents are not interchangeable. Every family has its strengths and weaknesses. And they all differ. You work with a caseworker to find the child you can
most help. It's not about what joy they will bring you, but what comfort, security, love you bring to them. These children have gone through hell, to say bluntly, and the last thing they need is to be shuffled in and out of foster homes. So whether a child will function well with your work schedule, pets, other children is determined through multiple interviews and discussions.
JUST THE FACTS
There are multiple reasons to adopt, and each parent has a different reason. Of the over 400,000 children in foster care in the US, 114,556 cannot be returned to their families and are waiting to be adopted. Among these children, males outnumber females, African American children are disproportionately represented, and over half are six years old or older. To put it all into context, practically 40% of those children waiting to be adopted will never find a permanent housing placement. One out of every five people who age out of the foster care system lack a home when they turn 18. Only 50% of foster youths at 24 have stable and steady employment. Over 50% develop substance abuse. Among former foster youth, one-third of all males and three-fourths of all females rely on government assistance programs. In comparison to veterans, former foster youth are twice as likely to suffer from PostTraumatic Stress Disorder. If you feel you may be too old to take on this responsibility, consider this, 54% of all former foster youths who are adopted have parents over the age of 50, and 16% have parents 60 and older. But as the old saw goes, the more challenging the task, the greater the reward. The Bair Foundation works to provide tremendous love and support, and they have seen many former foster youths graduate college and rise above their traumas and struggles. When you foster a child, you have an assigned caseworker who comes to your
INFO
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house as many days as you will need them. My youngest required daily visits from his caseworker and trips for her to his school at least twice a week. As his behavior improved at home and in his new school, she came less frequently. If you are thinking about becoming a foster parent, I'd highly recommend the Bair Foundation. It's a fantastic organization and beautiful people who understand the needs and struggles of being a foster parent. So why foster a child? Maybe Harrison summed it up best when he was six. We were at the shelter to adopt a small dog, and he saw this 11-year-old chihuahua that was ragged and scruffy, and one eye was glazed over. "Wouldn't you rather have a puppy?" I asked. He stared up at me and said quite matterof-fact, "I want a dog to love. I don't care if it's not a puppy. This one is very sweet." "He might not live much longer," I said, thinking about vet bills and expenses related to an aging pet. "Then all the more reason we should get him. Maybe no one else ever will. I'm not comparing foster children to shelter dogs, don't get me wrong. But the basic idea is there, you see, we all need love, and we all need to love back. And the dog, which Harrison named Soda, lived another 11 years. Not to anthropomorphize, but I could swear Soda was grateful we had freed him and gave him a good home. Through their smiles and laughter, all three of my kids remind me that their father only had one choice. And that's good enough for me.
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The Bair Foundation Child & Family Ministries Foster care service 30 Garfield St. Ste. F, Asheville, NC (828) 350-5197 • bair.org