7 minute read
Chapter 11 Stephen's Story
Chapter 11
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Stephen’s Story
I just wanted to take this opportunity to share my experience about recovery and to talk a little bit about where I come from, which is Ballymun. I grew up here and ended up on drugs at an incredibly young age. My life went downhill very quickly, and it was misery. My life was horrible when I was using. For a few years, it was great, but for me, I very quickly got strung out. I ended up hopeless and I was just miserable. I just have no other way of putting it. Every day was just getting up, going to the clinic, getting methadone, and going back home to the house sitting with my poor Ma. I had her heartbroken and I suppose when I think about it now, the people around me had to watch me in that pain and sadness. It was horrendous for them, my sisters and my family. I thought it was all about me, you know. I blamed outside stuff on how I was and so I went on like that for a long time and then something happened to me.
I was homeless for a long time and I spent most of my life in jails, institutions, hostels and social services. I was homeless this night; I will never forget it. I was sitting on Dorset Street and one of my sisters lived in Drumcondra and my other sister was living in a flat facing the “old triangle.”(Pub) I was sitting right in the middle of where they both live and I had nowhere to sleep; I had no smokes, I had no money. I was tired, I was lonely and I was hungry. I was broken and I literally could not find the strength to get myself up off the floor to go and ask any of them to help me. Even in my worst time, I still could not summon up the courage to ask someone to help me and in that moment, I had an experience where something internally broke inside me. I just had enough. I literally had enough of that life.
I had this drive for life; it just came alive inside me. I thought I am not doing this anymore. I knew deep down in my heart, somewhere, I was a decent kid and that I deserved better out of life. My circumstances and where I was at the time, I could not envisage any kind of hope living like that. I started asking people to help me.
I went to Peter Mc Verry(Peter Mc Verry Trust), who was good to me since I was a young fella. He is a great man and he helped me get into a hostel and I started getting stable on my methadone. I started reaching out, going to day programmes and eventually, I got myself a bed in the Lantern Centre (Residential Detox Centre). I physically came away from the drugs for the 50th time because I’d done that hundreds of times before and my mind would tell me, you can just have one more; it’ll be different this time. This time going in, I knew I was done; I’d had enough. I was not going back to sleeping in laneways, f**kin’ lying on street corners and abusing my body and hurting the people around me.
I just knew that I deserved better, so I chased that and the light and the spirit inside me started to grow. I started to get opportunities. Like I said, I went to detox and then I went to the Rutland Centre(addiction treatment and rehabilitation), which is a really posh sort of treatment centre in Templeogue Dublin for anybody that doesn’t know it. I was living on fillet steaks and bleedin’ top of the range food. I was having baths. I was in me element, it was great and they had a lovely garden out back and you could walk around it. It was great. I loved it and then people would listen to me, talking about my feelings and how poxy my life was. It was great and I enjoyed it up there.
My sister came up to see me and she probably doesn’t know, but I always share this in meetings when I’m doing chairs or when I’m doing anything about recovery. I had a CP day in the Rutland centre(Addiction Treatment Centre) were your family come in and everybody sits down and they ask someone out of your family to come and tell you what it was like for them and living with you in addiction. I had been about 2 months clean and I was starting to put on a bit of weight. I was looking well, I was dressing ok and I was fresh. I thought she’s gonna be delighted you know she’s gonna think I’m a great fella looking great. My whole life ahead of me now. They are all gonna think I’m a great fella. I went in and I sat down at the meeting that day; I never forget it. My sister came in and the counsellor asked her what it was like to live with me using and she f**kin’ sobbed and talked and cried and sobbed for 20 minutes and I’m telling you now I was bleedin’ dumbfounded. I’d no idea the impact that I had on her as a bleedin’ drug addict. It really woke me up; it really bleedin’ did.
That started a mending process in myself where I started to realise that I’d a lot of work to do and so that’s what I did. I kept going. I got out of there and I went on to Soilse (Addiction Rehabilitation Service). I did the day programme, did some education and got into sports. I’m real energetic, I love moving, I love training. I love a real high energy and I needed an outlet for that because I was stone mad and I needed something. I needed something to keep me going and I got involved in sport and I’ve done loads of stuff over the years. I did a fitness and education programme with YAP(Youth Advocate Programmes). I did a walk in Kenmare, Killarney.
I did loads of stuff throughout my recovery and I went to college. I educated myself. I got a degree in Sports Coaching Management, stuff that I never ever dreamed of because I left school when I was quite young. Also, being from Ballymun, there was a real stigma attached to being from therea and I never thought that I would be able to do what I did. I was able to get the support and help that I needed and I just went after it. There was days when I woke up that I didn’t want to go and face people. I felt really out of sorts at times, but I just kept going.
People in my life always say to me just put one foot in front of the other even on the hard days. I just get up and I do what I have to do. I’ve got some great stuff in my life and the most important thing in my life is recovery, sharing in meetings, admitting that I’m an addict. I’m not ashamed of that and that’s really important for me because I’ve admitted that to myself. I get great freedom from that. I go to 12 step recovery meetings. I try help other people find recovery if they want it. There is a way out of that darkness and that misery and there’s an amazing life on offer, but there is a lot of work that has to go in.
I’ve had to put that work in and I’m very glad. I’m just really grateful to be asked to be part of this; it’s amazing, celebrating recovery. It’s just great, it drives recovery and it gives people hope. That’s what we really need because recovery or addiction is destroying people’s lives as we speak in Ballymun, in the city, all over the place. It’s not talked about enough that people actually get to get out of addiction and get to live full lives. I’m really grateful.
My baby is my pride and joy; I love her to bits. I’ve never known love like it now with her. She lights up my life and every time I look at her, she’s just free; she’s lit up. It’s just amazing.
Family is a huge, huge thing for me in recovery and it’s been an ongoing battle for me. Family is something that I’ve really worked at and I’m really grateful. I live a full life; I have a job, I have all the shiny stuff like car tax and insurance, I’ve my own house. I’m grateful to BYAP and all the guys that helped me out when I was a young fella and I was a torment and they broke their backs to help me out. They were always there for me. I suppose that’s one of the reasons why I took this opportunity to share my experience because I’ll never forget the time and effort that people put in for me when I was in active addiction and I was broken and they always had their doors open for me. Thanks a million, everybody. •
