Teen Talk

By Rabbi Doniel Drando , LMFT

Dear Teen Talk, Teen Talk,

I have a big problem, and I don’t know how to help myself. Simply put, I am awkward. It’s hard for me to remember exactly when I became aware of this, but it had to be sometime in middle school.

What is awkward about me? Everything! I always say inappropriate things to people in social situations, so I usually avoid them all together. People are always pointing out buttons missing from my uniform or a tear in my skirt. Why don’t I notice? Oh, and I am clumsy, too.

My parents think I am the greatest kid ever. They adore me and would never understand my feelings about myself. They think I am beautiful and smart and see my good grades as a sign that all is well. They even view my clumsiness as being cute and “part of my charm.” But you know what? I’d rather not be cute or charming! Why can’t I just be normal?

-Baila, 16

Teen Talk, a new column in TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Baila, the most important message I want you to hear loud and clear is that you are perfectly normal. I am so sorry that you feel so down on yourself. I know that it can be really embarrassing to feel clumsy or spacy. And it makes you feel like you have to avoid any type of social gathering. But I want to share some insights, and some advice, that may ease your mind and begin to help you see yourself in a completely different light. The first thing that sticks out from your letter is your perception that “everything” is awkward about you. Now, surely there are qualities that you possess which are not awkward! I also noticed the words “always” and “never” a few times. 1. Step one is to recognize the allor-nothing, black-and-white extreme thinking. Very often such extreme thinking is rooted in perfectionism. Do you find that you often hold yourself to a very high standard? You make mention of your good grades. I am willing to bet that you are very studious and that you do very well in school. I am also willing to bet that when your teacher returns your test with an excellent score of 99%, your immediate thought is, “What happened to the other 1%?!” You should know that this kind of thinking is not uncommon, but that at its root it is a sign of black and white thinking.

Perfectionism is dangerous because perfection is an unattainable goal. If our goals are impossible to reach, we will be living in a constant state of disappointment and perceived inferiority, so it is really important to have goals that are

fair and realistic. When Yaakov Avinu was on his way to Charan, the Torah tells us of the dream he had. Hashem showed Yaakov Avinu a vision of a sulam mutzav artza v’rosho magiya hashamayma, a ladder planted on the ground with its top reaching the heavens. There is so much to be said about this incredible parsha of Yaakov ease your mind and begin to help you see Avinu’s dream. However, I want to focus yourself in a completely different light. on the nature of the ladder, particularly the way the Torah describes it. The top is in heaven, but it is firmly planted on earth. As the saying goes, have your head in the clouds and your feet firmly planted on the ground! Hashem is giving Yaakov Avinu an eitzah, a mission, as he is heading into the world to face Lavan. Keep yourself grounded! You must have lofty goals

goals are impossible to reach, we will be living in a constant state of disappointment and

mission, as he is heading into the world to face Lavan. Keep yourself grounded! You must have lofty goals

but, at the same time, in order for success to be possible, you must remain realistic. You must be honest with yourself and know what your strengths and weaknesses are. Only then can you move forward in the world and fulfill your potential. So long as your head in the clouds is detached from two firmly planted feet on earth, you will remain frustrated by your lack of progress. 2. So how do you get there? The million-dollar question! Let’s start with something very practical. Every day, before you go to sleep, I want you to take some time to put your thoughts into a journal. Specifically, write out some of the thoughts you had about yourself that day. Do this for a week. Then, at the end of the week, look over the week’s entries and reflect upon the content and tone of your self-reflections. Were you fair to yourself? Imagine that you were writing about your close friend or sibling. Do you feel that your words are balanced and honest? Are your words a true and full reflection of reAre you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

discount another truth. Namediscount another truth. Namely, that you took a positive step.

When you are finished writing the second version for all of the week’s entries, take some time to reflect upon the differences between the two versions, in both content and tone. This is the first step in changing the way that you think.

I was recently speaking with an old client of mine. He was a teenager when we met, and, at the time, he was struggling with perfectionism. He had a very hard time making – and keeping – friends. He was constantly doubting himself and questioning the motives and opinions of others. He really couldn’t accept the pos-

You must be honest with yourself and know what your strengths and weaknesses are.

ality? If not, try to write each entry over in a way that is more fair and honest. Be kind to yourself. If on Tuesday you wrote, “Once again, I made a fool of myself at recess when shmoozing with girls in my class,” maybe upon reflection at the end of the week you can write, “I went out of my comfort zone at recess and shmoozed with some girls. It was a good step even though I wasn’t happy with something I said.”

See the difference a little kindness can make? We are not sugar-coating or making believe that problems aren’t real. Rather, we are recognizing that there is something imperfect, but we are putting it into perspective. We are laying it down against a backdrop of reality, fairness, and kindness. Maybe you said something “awkward.” That truth does not sibility that he was likeable or that his peers would want to hang out with him. He felt that he had nothing to offer so why would anyone truly enjoy his company.

I met him at a bar mitzvah a few months ago, and he is now 22 and considering starting shidduchim. He shared with me that he feels better than ever and that he remembers his journaling as a life-changing activity. Obviously, there is a lot more to his story, but journaling stuck out in his mind.

It can be really powerful to process your feelings in writing, and then come face-to-face with those feelings by truly reflecting upon them and analyzing them. 3. Another point I’d like you to consider is that your perception of yourself does not necessarily reflect reality and that others may view you differently. Even if you are a bit clumsy, it is Even if you are a bit clumsy, it is unlikely that anyone judges you as unlikely that anyone judges you as harshly as you judge yourself. At the same time, it is unlikely that anyone notices all that you do that causes you to feel clumsy. And guess what? People who are clumsy are no less successful in life and in relationships. Because the number one indicator of success is self-esteem and self-regard. People who judge themselves favorably are far more successful than those who beat themselves up. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to be more aware and curb the clumsiness. If that is important to you and you want to work on it, then great! But accept yourself and love yourself first. 4. If you are able to love yourself, you’ll find it easier to work on some of those aspects that you aren’t entirely happy with. But just know that you are perfectly fine as you are! Being a little clumsy says nothing of your character and your self-worth. Which brings me to another important point. Spend some time considering your strengths and your positive qualities. I know you have many! But you have gotten into a pattern of only seeing the perceived negatives, while completely ignoring what makes you special and amazing. So get to work thinking about those special qualities that Hashem bestowed upon you. In doing so you will fulfill the Mishna in Pirkei Avos which says, “Hevi dan es kol ha’adam l’chaf zechus”. Kol ha’adam means the entire person. Judge the whole you! Not just the parts you perceive as troubling.

When you come to judge yourself, you must see the whole you. And I have no doubt that when you see yourself with all that makes you special and unique you will be forced to smile and say, “I’m great!”

Rabbi Doniel Drandoff is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in the Five Towns/Far Rockaway community, as well as Clinical Director of My Extended Family. He works with teens, young adults, families, and couples. You can reach Rabbi Drandoff at Dndrandoff@gmail.com.