Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear I have been super close with my cousin, Devora*, all my life. We are the same age, were always in the same grade,

Navidaters, and now are both in shidduchim. We were close friends our entire life but now that we are in shidduchim there is an invisible, unspoken wall between us. I can’t explain it but it’s as if the privacy of shidduchim has taken our friendship and put it on automatic hold. Shidduchim is literally our entire lives, aside from work and school. Our parents are close and since we are both looking for a very similar type of boy, we were told not to discuss our dating lives. I can’t even describe the feeling inside of me when I see my cousin around town and her hair is ironed (one of the tell-tale signs that she is dating someone). I get a major inner panic attack wondering if our relationship and friendship will ever be the same if she marries this boy and I am left back in the dust of shidduchim. If we were to discuss dating, I feel like things would be so much more normal and natural, not awkward like they are now with the invisible wall up. It might even ease up the anxiety and create more of an excitement for the next stage. Do you agree with our parents that we should keep our dating lives private? Or should I bring up the topic so it’s something we can share and bond over?

Thanks, Chana*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Dear Chana,

I understand that the closeness you shared with your cousin is impacted by your privacy about dating. You are no longer communicating about everything. It feels strange and hurtful, even.

As you transition further into adulthood, you will find that privacy has a value. Especially in married life, respecting one’s own privacy and that of your married friends is a healthy practice. In work life as well, paying attention to social and professional boundaries is important. In today’s culture of sharing everything on social media, this may sound jarring.

However, it seems that you have other feelings connected with the healthy practice of maintaining privacy. You may feel like you are competing with your cousin. Your whole life is focused on dating right now. These perspectives are neither beneficial to you short-term or long-term.

Take a look inside and outside yourself. Look at your own development and uniqueness. Think about who you are, what you have to offer, and what your aspirations are on both spiritual and practical levels, both short-term and long-term. Discuss religious concepts such as bitachon, hashgacha pratis, and bashert with your mentors. Get some guidance about your feelings. Do think about your own goals in a mature way beyond just snagging a husband.

Develop yourself. Part of maturing is understanding that feeling uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad thing. In general, going beyond your comfort zone is a growth process.

I do think that you may want to talk to your parents at some point about sharing thoughts on dating with your cousin. If you choose to open the conversation, you will want to demonstrate maturity during the discussion. Awareness of the need for privacy such as never naming the men you/ she go out with will show them that you are beyond petty competition. They will want to see that you are your own woman as well. Discussing transitions in relationships and life with them will be helpful, too.

Wishing you self-awareness, insight, and maturity on your journey in life.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Ican understand why you feel this distance with your cousin. Up until now, you and Devora have been an open book, sharing the ups and downs of life together. It is stilted and unnatural to hold in this whole new chapter. Welcome to adulthood, enjoy your stay.

This will be the first of many topics of conversation as an adult that are truly better left private. Find your “people” – mentors, teachers, a rav – to discuss all things dating, but it should not be shared with friends. There comes a time in one’s life when friendships mature, just as we do. We can keep a deep connection and closeness with friends without disclosing every little thing that is going on in our lives. When one is a child, life is an open book, but as a child crosses the threshold to adulthood you choose what chapters to share. As our sages tell us, “Syag l’chochma shtika, The fence to wisdom is silence.”

There are many reasons silence surrounding dating is wise. I hear constantly from the young women I work with, “My friend went out with him and said he’s not shayach for me.” This is what happens when you start to share your dating life with friends. All the men she has dated become off limits to you, and all the men you have dated become off limits to her. Not because anyone is enforcing it, but when you hear the ins and outs of one’s relationship, it is all painted by the brush of the speaker. Inevitably, if it does not work out, either she will be pained by the breakup or be relieved that he is no longer in her life. Why do you need that hanging over your head every single time a guy is redt to you? Answer: You don’t. There are lots of ways you can nurture your relationship with your cousin that do not involve discussing dating.

To touch on the topic of jealousy of which you allude to in your letter, I would like to state the following suggestion. Take a blank piece of paper and write these words on it: Hashem is my shadchan. I shall not fear. It does not matter how many times you see Devora with her ironed hair. It does not matter how many guys she has to get dressed up and go on dates with. She will find her bashert at the right time, as will you. Your bashert’s heart is beating somewhere out there, and he is looking for you, too.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

What Charles Dickens wrote about the French Revolution (“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”) is also true about shidduch dating. While it is a new and exciting time for you, it is also fraught with stress and anxiety.

Your goal is to not only become happily married, but also keep your lifelong friendships intact.

I strongly agree with your parents about not discussing shidduchim with your friends. If you tell even your very, very best, most sincere, most well-meaning friend that you are dating a certain boy, no good can come out of it. Her responses could be: *A whispered “Oh, you’re dating HIM?!” along with a dramatic eye roll. *A catty “I know about him. He’s not for you.” *A jealous “Oh. I was hoping to go out with him myself.”

Even though you should avoid dis-

As hot as Devorah’s flat iron may be, it simply does not have the power to take your bashert away from you.

cussing your dates with your cousin, you don’t have to completely avoid each other and completely avoid the subject. You can establish certain ground rules.

You can agree, that without discussing specific boys, there’s nothing wrong with discussing how boys from a certain yeshiva are always well-dressed, or boys from another yeshiva seem to have wonderful middos, and there’s nothing wrong with discussing how comfortable you were having a coffee in the lobby of a certain hotel, or how much you enjoyed walking through the exhibits in a certain museum.

You and your cousin can also agree, that if one of you dates a nice boy and it doesn’t work out, then perhaps she can ask the shadchan to set up her cousin with the same boy. One of my own daughters met her bashert exactly that way. One of my daughter’s friends dated a boy, it didn’t work out, she recommended that he date my daughter instead, and the rest is a very happy history.

Throughout this whole process, please remember that although some competitiveness and jealousy is, unfortunately, inevitable: *You only need one. So, if your cousin dates 25 boys before she finds her right one, and you only date five boys before you find your right one, who was really the luckier one? Having more dates doesn’t necessarily make you find your bashert quicker. *Have faith. Your cousin will not

marry your bashert. unfortunately common within shid- end of the day it’s all from Hashem. It

Remember that in many ways, for duchim. When that pressure builds might bring you both comfort to know you, this is the “best of times.” Don’t up in your you’re supporting each other in anothlet the process cause you to ruin your chest, it feels like there is no re- er way and also helping yourselves in friendships or cause you too much prieve. The strong conflicting emo- the process. anxiety. tions of the “mazal tov” and “what There could be a method to the about me?” scales take time to adjust parents’ madness. A guy I dated told to. Some of this can be alleviated by me that the rav of his yeshiva had a being included and part of someone policy where guys could not speak to The Single else’s process. It makes it easier to be each other about their dating experihappy for them and be OK with them ences. The reason behind it was that moving on onto this stage in life. if it didn’t work out between a couple Rena Friedman It’s hard to not worry, wonder, and and the girl was suggested to the guy’s

Chana, I am sorry you’re going panic because you have no idea what friend, his friend could go in with a through this. will happen. The unknown and un- clear head. When things didn’t work

Shidduchim is hard enough, but certainty is petrifying. But for all you out between me and this guy and his having to go through it while watch- know, Hashem will marry you off first roommate was suggested to me, I uning one of your closest friends, Devo- and she will be left to grapple with be- derstood and appreciated exactly what ra, from afar is even harder. I give you ing single. the rav did. You and Devora could be a lot of credit for respecting the wishes There’s a concept in Gemara that dating the same guys and in the inof both sets of parents) and the mature one who davens on the behalf of his/ terests of protecting the shidduch, the way in which you are handling this. her friend and is in a similar situation parents may not want you to speak

The invisible, unspoken wall be- will be answered first. Agree to daven about dating. tween you and your cousin and the for each other and admit that at the It sounds like you, Devora, and internal feeling you describe are both the parents are all very close. Sit down with your parents and then the greater

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters your parents are telling you what Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists you may and may not discuss. They have placed unnatural boundaries on your relationship.

Dear Chana, The secrecy and won Firstly, it must be said that Excitement: dering can often feel as hot as Devorah’s flat iron may be, -I have a date tonight worse than knowing the facts. So, if it simply does not have the power to with a great guy/girl! you feel uncomfortable, sad, anxious, take your bashert away from you. That -I met someone amazing! curious, jealous or frustrated, please flat iron cannot leave you in the dust -I can’t wait to meet my bashert! know that your emotions are completeof shidduchim. Devorah can have 500 -I’m looking forward to meeting ly normal. This is a big change for you. guys wanting to date her (and her flat him/her! I also understand why both sets of iron), and it still would have no impact -I can’t wait to see him/her again! parents have placed this new ruling on on you. -I think I really like this person! you. Trying to put ourselves in their As far as I can tell, there -I think this is the one! shoes, we can imagine that their intenare two major emotions typically I have witnessed firsthand many tions are to protect you and Devorah involved in shidduchim. They are times over how the intense world of from inadvertently hurting each other. fear and excitement. shidduchim can make perfectly sane How many times has a perfectly good

Fear: and rational people a little (or com- shidduch been stopped in its tracks be-Will I ever get married? pletely) meshuga. cause one friend says to another, “Se-Will I be the last of my friends to You are being told by your parents riously? You’re dating him? He dated get married? not to share certain private informa- my friend Shiffy and she said he can’t -What will happen to me if my best tion with your close cousin and friend, carry a conversation. I would never friend/cousin gets married before me? Devorah. I can understand how bad date him.” Unfortunately, things like -Will anyone like me? this must feel. Whereas perhaps you this happen all the time. And maybe -Will I like anyone? Etc. once told each other everything, now “he” was bored to tears with Shiffy

We are all so much greater than a status of married or single.

group to have an open and real conversation. Express how the secrecy brings you anxiety and how you would rather know what’s going on with Devora and her dating life. Explain how being open and honest will allow you to genuinely be b’simcha for each other during this difficult parsha. Ask the parents what their collective thought process is and if there is a way you can work within the confines of their concerns. In theory, the parents had good intentions, but in practice it might just not work.

As always, all feedback, thoughts, and ideas are welcome: renafriedman2@gmail.com.

and didn’t have much to say and would have been lit up on another date with a different person.

You asked what I think you should do. Bring up the topic with Devorah or keep your dating lives private. Perhaps your best bet is to respectfully explain to your parents what this division between you and Devorah is doing to you. Tell them how you feel about it. Ask them how they would feel about you breaking down this imposed barrier. And truly listen to them when they explain to you their intentions. It is important to be prepared for whatever you may find out. It may be possible that Devorah is the one who does not want to speak about dating.

You can also speak directly to Devorah; if you don’t want to disobey your parents, you can simply acknowledge how this barrier is affecting you. You can tell her you miss the old relationship you had when you could be more open, and that you often think about her dating and want to know how she is, and that you would love to confide in her. Even if you decide not to speak with each other about dating,

letting each other know how you feel can help you feel closer to Devorah. You two may decide on your own that not talking about your dating is truly what is in both of your best interests. Your parents may explain their intentions to you or not. Who knows?

Sometimes (if not all the time), we get a little jealous. As a matter of fact, show me one person in the history of shidduchim who has not been a little jealous of a friend and her dating, engagement or wedding. We don’t have to be ashamed of the emotion of jealousy; Hashem created us with it.

Perhaps I read too deeply into your email, Chana, but I did pick up on a little jealousy (maybe.) If I am right about that (and I have been wrong many, many times in my life, so forgive me if I misread, please), the first step to overcoming the jealousy is to accept that it is normal. It does not make you a bad friend or cousin. People in shidduchim often get into this jealousy/shame/pulling away/ down in the dumps cycle. I believe the cycle can be stopped most often by attacking the shame. How do we attack shame? We talk about our feelings. Shame cannot survive acceptance. We talk to a non-judgmental friend/ parent/rebbetzin/mentor/therapist who can help us with our jealousy in a supportive, non-judgmental atmosphere. Shidduchim can feel like a day at the horse track; Long Mane Leah is catching up to Sweet as Sugar Shira for the title of First to the Chuppah. Come on! It’s ridiculous. Life is not a race, nor is shidduchim. As a community, we must somehow collectively remove this pressure and teach young people to value themselves and their young adulthood and not make young people feel as though getting married is a race to the chuppah. We are all so much greater than a status of married or single. We know this as Jews from how much we know Hashem loves us – each of us, as individuals independent of any status. Let’s take the pressure off. And if we truly believe that there is one person out there for each of us, then what is there to worry about? (Easier said than done, I know...) This concept of “being left in the dust” is something you may want to begin to challenge in your own mind.

As for whether your parents are right or wrong to keep you and Devorah far away from each other’s dating lives, I really cannot comment. I don’t know what their intentions are and I don’t know the backstory. I do, however, believe that, generally speaking, it is important to have the emotional and cognitive tools to cope when a close friend is dating seriously or getting married. And keeping things under wraps does tend to create a different kind of tension or anxiety for many people.

Start talking with your parents about how you feel about the separation and newly imposed rules. Talk with Chana about it as well. You may find that you can feel very close to Chana as the two of you find a new equilibrium in your friendship. The two of you have been through it all together, and with the right communication, I believe you can get through this as well.

May you both find your basherts very soon! Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.

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