Teen Talk

By Mrs. Chayala Isbee

Dear Teen Talk,

My grade is having a Shabbaton this weekend in an outof-town kollel community. We are all being set up at different families. As soon as the planning started, we all filled out forms listing the girls we would want to stay with. I spent the weeks before the Shabbaton awaiting the fun and camaraderie I would have rooming with at least one of the four girls I wrote down.

Three days before the weekend (yesterday for me), we found out who we were rooming with. I was shocked when I found out I was placed with no one on my list. As a matter of fact, I was placed with just one girl, and I have very little to do with her. I know she doesn’t have many friends and she likes me; I’m pretty sure she wrote me down. All my friends were placed with at least one girl they requested. Even more than that, they are all placed with a bunch of other girls, who are socially connected, while I am put with a girl who is not my type and not in my social sphere.

What should I do?! Truthfully, it’s not fair that I am not placed with any of the girls I chose. I heard from the girls who went last year that the “chevra” you’re placed with makes all the difference. From what I hear, a special bond takes place between the girls and the host family. The purpose of the experience is that since we experience Shabbos in homes where there is a lot of mesiras nefesh for Torah, it’s an incredible opportunity for growth.

I believe I have every right to go to the Shabbaton coordinator and contest my placement. After all, we were told that every girl will be with at least one girl she picks. Also, I am very much involved in other aspects of the planning. As a choir director, I have given many hours of my time coordinating details, so the entertainment should be exciting. I have done so much for the “ruach” of the school; in a sense, I think they owe me and should come through for me.

I was about to approach the coordinator to address the issue. At first, however, I ran it by my mother. She understood my hurt, but also pointed out that if I ask to be switched, I would be hurting the girl I was placed with. The exclusion she would feel as a result would be very damaging and quite possibly cause her to skip the whole Shabbaton.

I then thought of an idea where we both will benefit. What if I arrange that she is placed with me along with my friends? This way, I get to be with my friends, and she doesn’t feel rejected; we can all be together! My mother, however, still tells me that I should not change anything. She believes that even though I have good intentions, if I go ahead and switch things around, this girl will likely still feel hurt. She also pointed out to me that as a committee head, I have to uphold certain values, and this may affect my credibility.

By the time you answer this letter, I will have already experienced the Shabbaton. Although I feel wronged that I was not given any of my choices, and I have every right to go to the one in charge to make the changes I deserve, I am listening to my mother. Honestly, I am not looking forward to this coming Shabbos. So much of the enjoyment is derived from staying up at night having great conversations. Moreover, I am at a disadvantage because I am not with a “chevra,” but rather with a random girl, and therefore, I will not have that opportunity to connect with my host family. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I feel gypped. I am going, though, with the mehalech that this is the right thing to do and something good will come out of it.

Thank you, -I rather not sign even my first name because of the situation

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

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Dear Amazing Girl,

Wow! A popular girl choosing to spend an entire Shabbos weekend with someone other than her very good friend! What an eye-opener to your classmates, teachers, and even to your family. You are surely admired by your classmates for your surprising decision. The hanhala and teachers respect your maturity in performing this chesed. Your family can be proud of their exceptional daughter. Just because something is unfair does not mean that you can go ahead and redo arrangements just to suit your needs. When someone else’s feelings are at stake, righteousness precedes fairness. Fair does not mean right!

Pursuing the event coordinator to fix the mistake she may have made is wrong. What is the moral approach you should be taking? Changing things around to ensure you have a good time or behaving b’yashrus and enabling someone else who is not as “cool” as you feel acceptance?

I like your mother! She is awesome. I appreciate her unbendable approach to stand up for the truth. You are blessed to have someone who models the Torah’s ideals as your mother. You acted wisely for seeking her guidance as opposed to dealing with it yourself.

I was in a similar predicament as you many years ago when I was in high school. I was looking forward to going on a much anticipated class weekend. We also were able to request a friend to bunk with. Somehow, I was placed with a girl that I had very little, if anything, to do with, while my friends were all placed together in large groups. This girl was fairly new to Yiddishkeit and wasn’t as “with-it” as the other girls. To make matters worse, while my friends were set up in homes that had other family members their age residing there, the two of us were placed in a home inhabited by one older woman. (Her children were long-married and out of the house.) When I found out about this, I was so upset. I felt let down and was confused about what I should do. In theory, it made sense for me to make the switch and stay with my friends…but what about this girl who would be left all alone? What about her feelings? She would feel abandoned by me. I reasoned with myself and thought long and hard. This was a Shabbaton whose sole purpose was to foster friendship; to infuse social and emotional development. Is it not a contradiction to the goal of the Shabbaton to redo arrangements in order to suit

my liking in the name of being fair when someone else will be pained as a result?! Is not the Shabbaton’s purpose to bring about “aliyah” (growth)? I decided to keep the arrangements. I knew this was ordained by Hashem and would be for my benefit.

Whenever social situations don’t proceed as we expected them to, we must understand that they are all orchestrated by Hashem in our best interests. I vividly remember socializing and laughing with large groups of girls as we left the Friday night program. Once we got to the corner, my roommate and I separated from the girls to walk by ourselves to our host. I told myself, “I know I’m missing out on a funfilled night, but I’m on this world for a higher purpose. All my years of learning Chumash, Navi, Kesuvim, Yahadus, etc. are in vain if I am not going to apply the lessons to my life! Let’s see if I can pass this nisayon.”

When we got to the house, the woman was waiting up for us with cookies and hot cups of tea. We took off our coats and spent time conversing with this little old lady, who I realized was quite sharp and spunky. I don’t remember what we discussed, but I do remember being impressed with the other girl. The next day, this girl and I got up on time to go to shul (whereas most of the other girls overslept because they must have stayed up into the night). A special bond was developed between the two of us. Years later, this girl became a five-star

When you befriend someone who is outside your social circle, it’s a win-win situation

mechaneches and leader in Klal Yisroel, one of the most looked-up-to woman I know.

How fortunate I am to have spent a Shabbos with this smart and talented person. I could have easily turned it down and would have never forged a bond with her. Our actions have ripple effects. Always. Perhaps my decision to stay with her caused her to enjoy all the weekend had to offer (shiurim, panel discussions, performances, etc.) and in turn, she grew stronger in her frumkeit. If I would have left her, maybe she would have been turned off by religious Jews and would not have grown religiously as she did over the next few years. That’s a serious possibility!

In Parashas Kedoshim, it says, “Lo sisna es achicha bilvavecha (Do not hate your brother in your heart).” The pasuk that follows says, “V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha, ani Hashem (Love your friend as you love yourself, I am G-d).” The Torah teaches us that we are not allowed to harbor hateful feelings towards a fellow Jew. Every Jew is precious. Every Jew is equally important.

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

There is a reason that the commandment of loving our fellow Jews follows the importance of not harboring hate towards others in our hearts. This commandment is only attainable if we first rid our minds of “sinas chinam (senseless hate)” and replace it with “ahavas chinam (senseless love).” There is no way we can be on the level of loving our fellow Jews just as we love ourselves if we don’t rid ourselves of judging others by frivolities. The commandment is followed by the words, “Ani Hashem” to teach us that if we practice this “ahava,” we are truly following Hashem’s ways. The best way to get close to Hakadosh Baruch Hu is through treating others with unconditional kindness.

My father, Harav Yonasan Binyamin Jungreis, zt”l, had a favorite vort that he would share at a simcha. He would ask the olam, “Why does the Torah start with a ‘beis’ and not an ‘alef?’ Doesn’t it make more sense to start with an ‘alef’; after all, that’s the first letter of the ‘alef-beis!’

“The Torah starts with a ‘beis’ on purpose; to teach us a lesson. ‘Tovim hashnayim min haechad (two is better than one).’ One must be careful not to look out just for himself; he must always look out for the other person.”

He would then ask everyone, “And now, my dear friends, what is the last letter in the Torah? ‘Lamed!’ It is not a coincidence that the first and last letter of our precious Torah spell ‘lev (heart).’ The ikar (main point) of life is to have a ‘lev tov.’ If we want to follow the ways of the Torah properly, being good-hearted is essential and precedes any other dictates of the Torah.”

My father loved to learn Torah. He studied it throughout his days and nights, yet he would always emphasize the Chazal, “Derech eretz kadma LaTorah.”

In my mid-high school years, a new girl joined my grade from out of town. Her appearance was unlike that of my other classmates. She spoke differently than my peers. Her background made me believe she couldn’t relate to my friends. I knew what it felt like to be a “newbie” and therefore offered her that affirmation. (I switched schools in fifth grade, and initially, it was a very overwhelming experience for me.) As a result of that validation, she felt comfortable with me and stuck with me. At first, it was somewhat annoying. Out of a sense of duty, I knew that I had to be nice to her and not detach myself from her. Honestly, an authentic and beautiful relationship developed between the two of us. Actually, she became very popular. I would often smile to myself and wonder, “Did my connection to her affect her social accomplishment?” When you befriend someone who is outside your social circle, it’s a win-win situation. Your new friend wins, of course. She feels good by your overtures. In turn, that inclusion brings out her best and maximizes her social success. Moreover, your “win” is the most victorious of all, as the acceptance, friendliness, and tolerance that you exhibit actually sharpen your people skills and improve your social graces.

In Pirkei Avos it states, “Aizehu mechubad? Hamechabed es habriyos (Who is respected? One who respects others).” True popularity stems out of giving of one’s self to others. When one gives honor, kindness, a helping hand, or attention to someone else, the one who benefits the most is the giver. As a person is careful to consider other people’s feelings, a healthy self-confidence blooms. This person is comfortable in “his/her own skin” and doesn’t feel the need to constantly surround him/herself with people who are like him/her. He/she feels at ease sitting at a gathering next to anyone! As a result, this person actually becomes more and more likeable to others, causing many to recognize his/her magnificence.

You see…it’s cool to include and be downright friendly to others! That is the secret to real popularity.

You say that the goal of this Shabbaton is to develop a sense of mesiras nefesh for Torah. I can’t think of a better way of displaying mesiras nefesh for Torah than to accept this ruling and fly with it. The dividends are not just for the long run; you will reap the benefits in the short run, too! As you spend time with this girl, you will feel a certain genuineness within. You are connecting in a real way, without the social pressures you may experience when surrounded with your friends. The sincerity between the two of you will be apparent to your host family. You surely don’t need to be with your “chevra” in order to better connect with your host family. Quite the contrary. Their appreciation for you is based on the honorable way in which you treated each other.

Yes, as a choir head, you have an obligation to behave like a leader. You represent values and should live by them. Your credibility surely is minimized if you act selfishly and seek to amend the arrangements. Your maturity is transformed into immaturity by petty acts like this.

I believe we are all disillusioned with our current world. We live in a state of uncertain and torrential times. We long for the Geulah. The secret to achieving this yeshua is through ahavas chinam, loving our fellow Jews for no reason; just for the mere fact that they are fellow Jews. If we adapt this mehalech (approach) into our daily lives, we will surely bring forth the final redemption! May it come speedily in our day.

Mrs. Chayala Isbee is a long-time educator and school counselor at Bais Yaakov of Baltimore.