Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters, I’m grappling with an issue and hoping you could help me. I’m 29 and have been dating for a long time. My best friend who is my age is engaged and in her own world. I’m so happy for her, but suddenly I feel so alone in the world. We did everything together and shared everything with each other. I feel guilty about these inner thoughts I feel. Instead of feeling thrilled for her, I feel upset at her, almost annoyed. I wake up in the morning and feel so alone, like I’m the last single girl on earth.

All this is illogical, I know. But it’s how I feel. How can I work through this?

Thank you,

Esti*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Esti, the answer to this challenge is action. Join a new class or two which is not about frontal learning. Rather, explore an interest and a hobby in a group environment. Volunteer in a new environment, preferably one that gives you the ability to interact with people in a live environment and develop relationships such as driving someone for medical appointments, staying in the hospital with a patient, or doing reading practice in a school where there are kids who need help but whose parents can’t afford the time/money.

Reach out to other young women in your general age group and suggest outings, coffee dates, day trips, sports activities, cultural events, and other recreation. Sometimes, it will be a group of two or three. Sometimes, schedules will permit only one person at a time. Most young women who remain single longer than expected expand their circle of friends to include other young women in their neighborhoods and beyond. These people may not have been your first pick, but you will be surprised to find that they are worthwhile, introduce you to new interests and new environments. You may eventually find fun people to travel with, even if you have to negotiate dates and destinations.

There are now several organizations for young single frum women. Lechu V’nelcha is a large network of Bais Yaakov-type girls in various locations who meet for shiurim, Shabbatons, and trips. Hasviva is largely focused on navigating work life. You might meet some likeminded potential friends there. There are also professional groups these days for frum women which will include marrieds but can also be a good choice for professional and personal enrichment and camaraderie.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Get out there. Do things. Make new friends. Thrive!

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Losing a friend is one of the hardest, most painful events to go through. I know many might think that just because she is getting married does not mean that your relationship is over, but many times that proves to simply not be true. It is not a malicious thing, but close friends tend to split if their circumstances change – whether it be a big event such as marriage or a small event such as switching schools or religiosity changes.

As with any loss, the most important factor that will play here in your recovery is time. Just as elementary school friends morph into new middle school friends, and high school friends morph into new seminary friends, marriage usually brings on new married friends.

First and foremost, let yourself feel. Your pain is so real and so valid. Do not let guilt creep up into your psyche and make you feel “wrong” for thinking these thoughts; you did nothing wrong. You’re experiencing a loss like any other. Over time, you will slowly feel better.

When you’re ready, put yourself out there to make new friends. Join a gym and take classes, tap into an old hobby and join a group of people who enjoy doing the same thing. Connect with mentors who host singles and create opportunities for both dating and meeting other people. Make a list of people you know whom you want to become closer with. Take steps to prioritize these people in a way that will bring you closer, fostering new friendships.

Give yourself time to grieve but don’t drown in it.

I hope you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon!

The Single

Tzipora Grodko

Dear Esti,

I have been there. My friends have been there. And many others who have called me for support have been there. Your feelings are completely validated. This is a HUGE adjustment that nobody really prepares you for and comes across as a personal shock once these new unfamiliar feelings come up.

I strongly recommend sharing your feelings with your friend. If she’s your best friend, then she will probably notice a shift between the two of you and feel unsure how to respond. Honestly, she probably has her own concerns in knowing how to share her happiness without upsetting you. It’s a new and very sensitive time for both of you, and my famous answer is… drumroll….COMMUNICATE!

Share your heart with your best friend. Tell her your love her, are ecstatically happy for her, and also feel lonely while understanding that the relationship is shifting. Be vulnerable. Communicate, state your needs, and I can guarantee that it will completely change how you feel.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Friendships that once seemed like unbreakable, life-long attachments, often do not survive life-altering changes.

For example, a best friend moves to a different neighborhood and the friendship does not survive geographic dislocation; the wives of two best friends don’t get

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Esti,

Thank you for writing into the panel. It is absolutely normal to feel exactly the way you are feeling. You are holding onto so many emotions at once, and they can feel confusing – happiness for your friend, loneliness, guilt about your personal thoughts etc. Even your annoyance with her is kind of typical. What does it say about me if I feel this way? I’ll tell you what it says. It says you are absolutely normal and healthy. What would not be OK is if you are taking out your frustration on your friend or guilting her for her happiness. I don’t think that is what is happening.

I find that so often in life, we believe that i f we have complicated or un pleasant emotions something is wrong with us. And we want the fix. We want the feelings to go away. This is more often than not a sign that you are already are working through your feelings! The feelings are supposed to be there. So, welcome them. Hold space for all of them. I am happy and annoyed. I feel guilt and excitement. I am feeling a sense of loss along and the relationship dissolves; a suddenly widowed woman finds that she is no longer made to feel comfortable among couples who had been their closest friends.

For young adults, there is an important stage of psychosocial development, known as the “Intimacy vs. Isolation” phase. During this stage, if we develop normally, we enjoy personal, caring relationships with someone other than a family member.

You have succeeded in going through this stage very positively but are now worried that the close relationship that you had enjoyed might be ending and you worry about feeling abandoned.

At this point, you’re hurting. And your desire to never again experience this kind of hurt in the future might cause you to avoid forming close relationships with new friends. And, if you do avoid new friendships and new relationships, that avoidance can lead to feelings of isolation and depression.

So, Esti, give yourself time to grieve but don’t drown in it. According to Dr. Dana Hodkin, Clinical Assistant Professor, Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of

as I watch my friend transition to the happiest moment of her life. I feel it all, and I am going to allow myself to feel it all and I am absolutely healthy. There is no quick fix and no way not to feel what I am feeling.

I am a big fan of journaling to process one’s thoughts and feelings. If you’re feeling something, write it down. Or paint it. Or sing it. Or record yourself on your phone. Say it in front of the mirror. And give yourself a gigantic hug for having all these hard feelings.

You are allowed to feel happy for your friend and worried about your own self at the same time. When you feel ready, start hanging out with other friends. Try to find another friend or two to start doing things with. Whenever a friend’s relationship sta-

Some friendships are seasonal, and some are for a lifetime.

Medicine, “Right now, you are wondering if you are ever again going to have a close relationship and are worried about being all alone. You worry that you might be losing your best friend who has been your primary social support.

“The good news is that you have already proven to yourself that you possess all the skills and tools needed to form that kind of good, positive relationship, and hopefully you will, once again, be able to form that kind of strong connection with a new girlfriend, or a boyfriend, in the future.

“Be reassured, that it’s 100% normal to feel the way you do right now, and these feelings are quite prevalent among folks your age. It’s normal and healthy to acknowledge these feelings of loss. And now, you can use the excellent relationship skills that you clearly possess, in order to form new relationships.”

tus changes, it means change for us. That is a universal truth.

Some friendships are seasonal, and some are for a lifetime. I hope you and your best friend are lifetime friends. If you are, your relationship may change for a time, but you will be back together in a new way with time. If you are seasonal friends, then she was sent to you for a period of your life, and you can try to tap into your gratitude for your season while grieving the loss (when you are ready.)

In the meantime, if your feelings become too great, you may want to consider speaking with someone for some extra support right now and to help you work through the way you are feeling.

Wishing you all the best, Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.