9 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
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Dear Navidaters, My sister, who’s a year younger than me, has a friend/ neighbor who is a great girl. I’ve known her since she was little. We actually have a picture together as toddlers playing together in our family picture album. Our families are super close, and I am worried to bring up the shidduch idea because my sister says it might ruin our family’s relationship with them if it doesn’t work out. My sister also doesn’t think it’s a good idea for me (but she basically says no to all the ideas people give her anyway, so I don’t take her very seriously). I mean really? Is this a reason not to pursue an idea? Out of fear it won’t work out? I don’t believe that should be a consideration.
We decided we’d bring this question to you guys at the Navidaters. What do you think?
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin The Shadchan
Rebbetzin Lisa Babich 5th Ave Synagogue
Thank you for your question. I think this seems like a no-brainer. Here is a girl whom you know and whom you like. You want to date her, so some type of attraction and interest already exists. This is already a step ahead of a lot of first dates. I understand that the families are close and if things do not work out or if the girl is not interested that it can become uncomfortable, however, if everyone in the scenario is mature and acting with middos tovos there is no reason why things should get too messy or complicated. You will either go out and end things mutually, or you will like each other and things will work out. In both those cases, there is no reason for things to end awkwardly. The only time a problem may arise is if you have a long, drawn-out dating experience that ends with someone feeling hurt. Even in that case, most people eventually end up moving on and starting their own lives. The awkward and residual feelings tend to dissipate over time.
I think overall, when you weigh out the cross-ratio-benefits, it is worth it to pursue a date. In today’s day and age where it is so hard to find someone and young people are struggling to find their other halves, it’s worth it to try with someone that you already feel excited about. The fact that you found pictures from when you are young shows that this is something you are clearly thinking and excited about.
Be aware that she may not want to go on a date and feelings may not be reciprocated but at least you will know that you did your hishtadlus and tried to do your part in starting a relationship that can have potential for success. Once you do your part, the rest is up to Hashem.
Hatzlacha with your endeavors! Michelle Mond
Aguy I once dealt with had a very similar dilemma. I remember where I was when I got the call. I was sitting at the MVA waiting for a new driver’s license when a guy I helped with shidduchim called for advice. He was extremely close with a family, practically a ben bayis. The family’s daughter came home from seminary – this was a daughter he’d never met before and was immediately enamored. He called me with so much confusion in his voice. On the one hand, dating their daughter was all he could think about; on the other hand, he did not want to do anything to ruin their close dynamic. He refused to do anything that might shake things up. They were so close that he already called this girl’s mom, “Mamma”! I remember walking outside the MVA so I could raise my voice and not sound like a lunatic. “Are you crazy? For sure you should go for this shidduch! This is the best of all worlds! DO IT!”
Two months later, this adorable couple was engaged. Now, years later, they are raising a beautiful family bringing nachas to both their families. How grateful he is to have pursued an idea even though it was uncomfortable.
Nothing great comes from those who are too scared to take risks in life. Just do it! And of course, don’t forget to update us on the ending of this story.
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Icouldn’t agree with you more. Unfortunately, in life we allow our fears to drive our decisions instead of allowing ourselves to face the inevitable concept of vulnerability. If I’m scared to get rejected by an employer, should I not apply to the job? What if he takes a different candidate instead of me? I’ll be crushed. Although I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s certainly one perspective. However, what I would recommend is the following thought process: “I’m going to apply to the job and put myself out there because there’s an extreme amount of potential for good and I have many special qualities. If I don’t give it a shot, then I’ll never know what opportunity I could have had. Worst case scenario, I get rejected, feel that pain, and I apply to other jobs.”
So, think about it, would you rather shut the idea down yourself before giving it a shot and never know what the girl truly thinks, or do you want to take the leap and put yourself out there? What if this girl has the same exact thought process as you and doesn’t want to say anything because she’s nervous you would say no and ruin the family friendship? Rather, think about how cute it would be if your families were related!
Don’t listen to the stories you’re making up in your head about all the “what if’s.” Vulnerability is the only way to build a strong foundation in any relationship, so if you are not willing to take the shot, then of course you’re going to miss.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Ah, for the good old days…when a boy could walk over and talk to the girl next door, and when we used actual photo albums instead of flash drives.
Do we really need levels of intermediaries to determine who we should be dating? Do we really need a shadchan to check what kind of hat the boy’s father wears or what kind of tablecloth the girl’s mother uses on Shabbos?
Is a shadchan, who reads your resume and meets you for a half-hour, better qualified than your own good, common sense and good judgement?
It’s true that in this week’s parsha, Yitzchok needed the services of shadchan Eliezer. But, in a few weeks, we’ll read how Yaakov found Rachel, all by himself, at a local watering hole. And, several generations later, Moshe met Zipporah in the very same way. (But, then again, Yaakov was 70 years old and Moshe was 80 years old at the time. Perhaps they had simply outlived all their contemporary shadchans.)
But, I digress.
I suggest you bypass everyone and simply send a text to the girl next door and ask when it would be a good time for you to call her. (Apparently no one cold calls anymore – every call needs to be preceded with a text asking if it’s OK to call. She’ll probably suspect why you want to call her.)
Meanwhile, reassure everyone in your family. Explain to them that if the girl says, “No, thank you” or if you go on a date and it doesn’t work out, everyone can still remain friends, the Earth will keep spinning on its axis and revolving around the sun, and the universe as we know it will not cease to exist.
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Thank you for writing into us! I understand the delicate and sensitive nature of your inquiry. When two friends try to make a go of a romantic relationship, there is always the trepidation that if the romantic relationship doesn’t work out, the friendship will be lost. The friendship is so special, and the thought of losing it can make the prospect of romance seem like a bad idea. You are wise to take pause before acting on your feelings. There is much to consider.
How would you feel if you did not act on this idea? Would you always be left wondering what if? Would you have regrets for not having taken action and at least tried?
In my opinion, I don’t think it is a crazy idea for children of family friends to date. Two mature families can handle a breakup without pointing fingers in the case that things don’t work out. And two families who are friends can handle a simcha and all future simchas to come.
If you do decide to pursue dating, approach your parents gently, tending to their feelings. Mom, Dad, how would you feel about me dating Aliza? Show your parents through kindness and sensitivity that their feelings are important to you. If you get any pushback or general concerns, validate those concerns and then ask how you can work together to ensure everyone’s comfort in this process. If everyone is mature and reasonable, I don’t see a reason why you can’t go on a date.
All the best, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
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