Dear Teen Talk,

I have a twin sister who I am very close to. We share a lot of things – clothes, a room, friends, etc.

We are now in tenth grade. Recently, I have found that she is spending a lot of time with one of our friends without me. I don’t think this is because they are deliberately leaving me out but I am feeling left out.

Teen Talk, a new column in TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

I generally would just talk to my sister about this but I feel uncomfortable because I don’t want her to think that I am “jealous” about this.

What can I do to make myself feel better about this and find out what’s going on?

Iwant to start off by telling you that it is totally normal that you feel left out. It is not something you have to be embarrassed about. When someone you are very close to, especially a sibling, begins spending more time with other people it can be hard.

The way you described your relationship with your sister tells me that the two of you are very close. It may feel weird and may even hurt to see her do things without you. When you are so used to doing things together and that begins to change, it can be really hard. So of course, it’s frustrating to be in this situation, but I think your attitude about it is something to be proud of.

It’s not easy to feel left out by a friend, and it’s definitely not easy to feel left out by a sister that you are close to. It might make you feel hurt and upset in a way that makes you want to be mad at her. But what I find so impressive is that you never once say that you are angry, which alone is something to be proud of. It’s harder to make yourself feel better when you are stuck feeling angry and resentful because it makes you feel like they are in the wrong. And when you let yourself think that the only way you could feel better is when the other person changes their actions, you’re putting them in control of your happiness.

But we are not going to do that. I think the most important thing for you to take away from this is that a change in your own mindset is what will make you feel better. It’s easy to put the blame on others and say that if they change then you will feel better and then there’s nothing left for you to do but wait. However, what will make the biggest difference is the choice you make in how to deal with and even how to feel about this situation.

You and your sister have always been close, and it may feel like that has changed as she spends more time with this other friend, without you. But I think we can look at it from a different angle.

When you get older, and, yes, this includes high school, relationships change. The fact that they change can be scary and uncomfortable, but more than anything, frustrating because you liked how they were before. However, the reason they change is that we, the people that make up these friendships, are changing and growing. It’s an amazing thing to grow into the person you are and the person you want to be, and high school is a big part of that.

While it sounds like you and your sister have always shared friends, that might not always be the case. You are two different people, who have a beautiful relationship as sisters and as friends, but you are still two different people.

The idea of your sister becoming close to someone without you may be a scary thing if it’s not something you’re used to, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. In the same way that you would spend time with a friend you enjoy hanging out with, she is doing the same. It doesn’t mean she is choosing to leave you out to hurt you, rather she, just like you, is her own person and that means she will have friends outside of what the two of you share. And on the flipside, you too will have people that you are closer to, or people that you are friends with that she has nothing to do with at all. Does this mean that either of you are being left out of something? Not at all!

As you learn more about yourself you may find that you like hanging out with a certain type of girl and she likes to hang out with a totally different crowd, and that is completely healthy!

Yes, the idea that you won’t always have the same friends may be a scary one, but it’s a part of growing up, and I mean that in the best way possible!

As a quick example, growing up, my best friend and I shared all the same friends. Then something crazy happened. We went to the same seminary but walked out with completely different friend groups. She is still my best friend to this day, but the reason we ended up with different friends is because we are different people. I am so happy that she was able to make new friends while we were in Israel even if it meant we no longer shared the same friend group because these girls were people who she herself enjoyed spending time with.

What I want you to see is that this is a situation that has real potential for growth. As you and sister are growing up, the two of you may find that you appreciate different types of people. You should embrace the fact that the two of you are dif- ferent but also remember that it doesn’t take away from the close bond you share. I think you would feel a lot better choosing to be happy for your sister that she is making such good friends rather than letting yourself think that she is trying to leave you out. And you may surprise yourself and find that you will too begin to make new friends, ones that you may share with her and ones that you may not.

Are you a teen with a question?

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To answer your question about how to find out what’s going on, I think the answer is very simple: she’s building new friendships as she learns more about herself, and kol hakavod to her! But it’s important for you to see as well that it’s okay to build friendships outside of what the two of you have.

Hatzlacha!

Daniella is originally from Houston, Texas, and recently moved to Baltimore, Maryland. She currently works in a school while studying for a degree in psychology.