Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Hi Friend Indeed, Ooooh... you are in such a tough situation. Without knowing your friend and solely based on your perception of things, it seems like your friend may be somewhat of a “difficult” person. And until she will allow herself to see this or until she wants to see it, all the therapy in the world will be of no avail.

I’m wondering if she is making her dates feel the same way you do...scared to be real and honest with her because of her defensiveness and anger. It can be very difficult for the people who love difficult people because true intimacy cannot be had. If you can’t share how you feel with your friend, on a general day-to-day basis, I’m wondering how you are man - aging in this relation - ship. Do you feel like you need to walk on eggshells around her so she will not be mad at you? I know you aren’t writing in about your friendship, but I just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re doing in the friendship.

I cannot tell you what to do, but we can explore together potential outcomes and how each outcome might make you feel. Every friendship is different. In my opinion (which is not fact), when you are very close with a friend, we can’t necessarily come out and bluntly state a criticism, but we can certainly offer someone to integrate unsolicited advice if they didn’t ask for it, even if it’s from someone they love. Communicate and exercise patience as you create a safe setting. She’s lucky to have such a caring friend.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler concern, conversation, and an invitation to explore what it is you are seeing. You can ask a good friend if it would be welcome or alright to share something that has been weighing on you because you genuinely love her and want what’s best. It is true that some friendships cannot withstand this, and this kind of concern is just not welcome. If it isn’t welcome, that can be OK too as long as we respect the wishes of our friend and it lands well on us.

My granddaughters are currently very busy, teaching me how to effectively communicate with millennials and GenZ teenagers, through the use of texting abbreviations. Consequently, I have learned that “LOL” means laughing out loud, “IDK” means I Don’t Know, and “IMO” means In My Opinion.

So, my unequivocal answer to your question is “MYOB” – Mind Your Own Business. No one appreciates unsolicited advice.

Your friend already understands that she has a problem and is seeing a therapist. Your only role here is to be a good friend, a good listener, and a good example of proper, adult behavior.

Should you decide to say something, your friend may very well not take well to it because she interprets feedback and concern as criticism. She may pull away from you or turn against you or end the friendship. When people do not want to see something (denial), they can shut down, gaslight you and turn the tables on you, or become overtly aggressive.

Alternatively, she also may be appreciative. Let’s not forget that as a possible outcome.

Your other option is to say nothing at all, which a lot of people might choose as well.

Should you say something to your friend in a kind and gentle manner, and she “turns” on you, then she was not a true, lifetime friend. Lifetime friends value and cherish each other, and welcome feedback. She may not like what you have to say, and she may even think you were “wrong” for sharing your concerns with her, but she will love you just the same and come to realize you truly were acting in her best interest out of love. Just my two cents.

You are a good friend, indeed!

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.