The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Lisa Babich

Hi “A Friend Indeed,”

I hear your concerns and really understand your fears and what you are conveying. I think the first thing you need to realize is you don’t need to feel that this responsibility is all on your shoulders. Hashem can guide her on the right path, and you don’t need to feel its fully in your control. She also is a person with free choice at the end of the day who has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences – whether good or bad.

I start with that because I sense a heavy weight you are carrying when sometimes we need to let go of a situation and the lack of control that we have in it.

That being said, I do feel that there is a kind way to help guide friends without it sounding critical. You can offer her some amazing resources and tell her you heard these resources have really helped people shift their perspectives. Two such books that come to mind are “I Only Want To Get Married Once” by Chana Levitan and “Marry Him” by Lori Gottlieb. There are also incredible dating coaches out there and perhaps suggesting one of them to her can be helpful.

Bottom line, this situation does not fall entirely on you, and as a friend, you can help guide her to the right places so that an “outsider” can be direct with her and tell her all the things you wish you can say.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Thanks for taking the time to ask a great question.

You are a good friend and have the best intentions of helping out. I am sure this is not new to you, but I will say it nonetheless. Not all singles want their married friends to come and “save” them. It can not only feel uncomfortable but patronizing and out of place. From what you write, I venture to say you are not the right delivery person for dating advice. You mentioned that communicating with her will lead to anger in addition to ignoring your comments altogether. You also mentioned that she does not take criticism from friends very well. Many people have a hard time accepting criticism – are you completely innocent of that yourself? Do you know how badly she wants to get married? Do you know how hard it is getting rejected time after time by the guys she actually likes? Do you know how hurtful it is for someone going through an obvious challenge to get unsolicited advice?

Why conjure up theories about why she is still single, or what kind of guys she is running after? Even if it is true, she will not change unless she wants to change. This is her life, after all. Work on your friendship with this friend whom you love. Get closer and bond over other things besides her singlehood. Find ways to chill together and build memories. If she asks you for advice, you may then give it in a loving way.