Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters,

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my question. I was really not sure who to ask.

My mother has gotten completely irrational since my sister started dating. She’s always on edge, either networking, on the phone with people, or snappy. This stage has made her into a ball of nerves. I am married with kids of my own, and she used to always offer to babysit or help when I needed it. Now she says she’s always too busy with my sister’s shidduchim – either going to networking meetings or taking my sister on trips to meet different shadchanim. It’s also all she talks about!

It’s annoying for me, and I can’t even imagine how hard it is on my younger siblings at home. Is there anything you suggest that I can do to get my old mother back?

-Tehilla*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Tehilla, you seem to be more worried about your mother helping you and getting your “old mother back” than your mother’s stress levels about your sister’s shidduchim. Instead of being supportive, understanding, and trying to help out with shidduchim, you want your mother’s babysitting services and more. Be an adult and stop being a taker. Take responsibility for your own needs and swallow your annoyance. Focus on helping your mom and siblings and offering some concrete help such as making dinners, taking your sibs out for private time, or helping with errands. Your mother is not a service provider for your household. She may be overreacting to the stress of shidduchim and could use support from family members, friends, and maybe a professional. But you seem to be responding in an immature, selfish manner.

Rise to the occasion. Stop kvetching and help out.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Having a child in shidduchim is hard; being a kid in a home with an older sibling in shidduchim is harder; being a married child when one of your siblings is single is…LUCKY.

Count your blessings, Tehilla. Look at all the good that you have in your life; you are married with kids and clearly live close enough to your parents that your mother is your regular “on call” babysitter. Instead of worrying about your mother, who is clearly very stressed out, you pose a question asking how you can get your regular babysitter back. Am I the only one who finds this unsettling? Your mother is acting in a way many parents do when they have a single child to marry off. Look for ways you can help your sister with shidduchim. Can you network on her behalf? Can you and your husband think of ideas for her?

I have been told that one of the hardest parts of being a mother of a child in shidduchim is feeling alone. Instead of asking your mother for help, try asking your mother how you can help. Tell her you see how stressed out she is recently and ask if there is anything you can do. Show her you are there for her, even for a listening ear, rather giving her a guilt trip about taking your sister on shadchan trips. By sharing the burden, she will be less on edge – I guarantee it.

Another thing you can do is take your younger siblings out on trips when mom is out networking with your sister. When she feels less stressed out, you might just get your babysitter back.

Focus on the positive in your life – hatzlacha!

The Single

Tzipora Grodko

Parents tend to lose all feelings of rational and identity when they become desperate. I would encourage you to communicate your feelings with your mom in a strategic, non-accusatory way. If she, unfortunately, is not receptive (depending on her personality and who she is), I would utilize this opportunity for you to support your siblings and advocate on their behalf when your mom seems obsessive or pushy in her feelings and decisions.

Unfortunately, people forget that the same G-d Who gives them food, shelter, and things they don’t think twice about is the same G-d Who will set their kids up at the right time, and not a second later.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Here are some points for you to ponder.

First, you are not an only child. You are upset that the attention that your mom used to lavish upon you is now diverted to the next sibling in line.

You are accustomed to your mom being there for you, with her “offer to babysit or help when I need it.” Well, now, it’s your younger sister who seems to need it.

Perhaps things went much more smoothly for you when you were dating and going through the shidduch process. Perhaps you were much more self-sufficient, and your mother didn’t feel the need to work so hard, and fret so much, on behalf of your marriage prospects.

But, as a mother yourself, you are surely aware that each child is very unique and very different. Different children require different amounts of time and energy at different times of life.

Your mother is very busy with your sister right now. It’s, unfortunately, a fact of life that today’s complex shidduch process can put any mother under tremendous stress. It would help not only you but also your mother if you could simply accept that since you are now a capable adult, happily married with your own children, your younger sister now needs more of Mom’s time.

Second, even though you might, intellectually, accept all this, you are still hurting emotionally. It might help if you felt reassured that your relationship with your mother is not ending, but is, instead, merely transitioning into a more mature, adult relationship.

Consider setting up a weekly, or twice-weekly, time for just you and mom. You could meet for brunch, for example, where you could catch up on things and share thoughts, emotions, and hugs.

Third, while it is true that you are hurting, so is your mother. It sounds like she is the one who now needs some help and support.

Why not offer to help with your sister’s shidduch process? With your own fairly recent experiences, you can be a great source of information and emotional support for both your mother and your sister.

Welcome to the cycle of life. Until now, you needed your mom. Now, she needs you. Be there for her and assure her that despite today’s tortuous, aggravating, and complex shidduch system, somehow, miraculously, things usually turn out just fine.

Remember that, 2,500 years ago, Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher, wrote, “The only thing that is constant is change.” Although we might be comfortable with an unchanging routine, that is not real life.

You are entering a new phase of adult life. Embrace it and go with the flow.

I have been told that one of the hardest parts of being a mother of a child in shidduchim is feeling alone.

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Thank you for writing in! I’m getting the sense that beneath your frustration, you simply miss your mom, and I find that feeling and experience most understandable. While you once relied on her to babysit and help, she is now completely consumed by your sister and her shidduch dating. It seems as though her personality has changed as well, and so not only is her help unavailable, but the mother you knew and your relationship with her is no longer available. That is difficult. You are experiencing a loss. And I am sorry you are going through this.

You asked, “Is there I can do to get my old mother back?” In short, there are things you can try, but no, there is nothing that you can do that can change your mother’s behavior, her stress, her decisions, and what she is going through right now. This is because we cannot change someone’s behavior. We aren’t responsible. If we didn’t cause the problem, then we certainly can’t fix it.

We’re going to explore your mom’s pain in a moment, and perhaps a new cognitive framework in which you can conceptualize the pain, but before we do I want to be very clear that your feelings matter. And in order for you to get through this time, you are going to have to honor your feelings and take good care of yourself. Find support by means that feel comfortable for you; confiding in supportive family and or friends and allow yourself to feel your feelings without any judgment. Sit in your feelings. Ask yourself, What is coming up for me? Dig deep and get to the core of it.

If you feel comfortable or so inclined, you can share your core with your mom. Mom, I miss you so much (just an example of what may be at your core). We are allowed to be angry, sad, resentful, etc. Bottling up those feelings only hurts us and our loved ones in the long run. True intimacy, be it in a marriage, friendship or between mother and daughter, allows us to express ourselves. Expressing ourselves and our feelings ultimately is what creates true intimacy...even when…especially when!...those feelings are not positive. You are allowed to have your feelings and be seen. We should never be ashamed of our feelings.

I follow “Notes From Your Therapist” on Instagram, and I highly recommend it. In a recent post, the author writes, “Emotions are part of your human physiology – they aren’t just ‘sensitive people stuff.’ Not paying attention to how you feel is as much a relationship issue with yourself as having difficulty knowing when you’re hungry, tired, or stressed. Healing this relationship means tuning in to how you feel – not ignoring it.”

It sounds like your mom is having a rough time, too. You can see her. You can validate her pain. You can ask her how she is doing. You can ask her if there is anything you can do for her to help her with her stuff. I am hopeful that if you’ve had good communication in the past, checking in with her, letting her know that you see her pain, and sharing yours with her may help to reconnect you with your mom. Seeing her as not being able to manage her anxiety and stress because she too is in pain may help you manage your own feelings a bit better, so that you don’t have to sit in your frustration.

As painful as it is, sometimes relationships go through different phases. Sometimes we enjoy a closeness and then for one of life’s many reasons, that closeness goes away for a time. It often returns. During periods of more separation from our loved ones, all we can do is our best: Checking in with ourselves, taking care of ourselves, being open and honest, caring for the other if we are so inclined, and trying to accept and surrender to the new reality (which is really hard work by the way!)

Wishing you and your entire family peace and a restored sense of calm and order. May your sister find her bashert speedily. May your mother be rid of her worries. And may you and your kids’ relationship with Mom/Bobbi/ Bubby/Grandma/Savta/Nana/Oma (did I cover all my bases?) be restored!

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Different children require different amounts of time and energy at different times of life.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Licensed • Bonded • Insured

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Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.