Teen Talk

by Mrs. Osnat (Arlene) Klestzick

Dear Teen Talk,

I am a freshman in a girls high school, and I am so grateful to be able to address my question to someone who does not know me and will be totally unbiased and can perhaps help me.

I am really hurting! I feel so alone.

I would describe myself as friendly but on the quiet side. In elementary school, I had one or two best friends. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel ignored or even bullied by some of my new classmates. One day they seem to be my friend, and the next day they simply ignore me.

We have a class chat and whenever they plan anything and I want to join them, they give me some lame excuses why I can’t. When I call girls to try to make Shabbos arrangements, I usually get rejected. And it seems in class, whenever I walk over to some girls, they stop talking. It is as if they don’t want to talk in front of me. They don’t want to include me, and I don’t know if that’s called bullying, but it’s very hurtful. What should I do?

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Dear freshman in high school,

It takes a very mature young lady who is in touch with her emotions and feelings to be able to reach out for support. I will try to help you help yourself; but first you must have a better understanding of the term “bullying.” This word has been bantered about and used indiscriminately for almost all undesirable behaviors. It seems our society is fixated with “bullying.” As far back as I can remember, children have always displayed certain poor behaviors, especially in group dynamics. Not every action is bullying. But many are.

According to the Oxford dictionary, a bully is “someone who seeks to intimidate, harm or coerce someone who is perceived as vulnerable. It can also be someone who persecutes, oppresses, tyrannizes, intimidates or torments another person.

It can be verbal, saying mean things, teasing, name calling, taunting and threatening to cause harm.”

Leaving someone out on purpose and you do about it?

You told us in your opening statement that you had one or two good friends. I assume they are not with you in this high school and that is definitely part of the problem.

Attending high school is a hard adjust-

ment for most. Social interaction and relationships play a big role. When you feel comfortable with your surroundings and feel welcomed by your peers, that adjustment will come.

Once you have an ally, you will have more self-confidence.

being exclusive is a form of social bullying. You can see from the above description of bullying that your classmates definitely fall into that category. Now the question is: what should you do about it? What can

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Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

Going back to the definition, bullies seek out one who is perceived as vulnerable. It is your job now to change that perception.

My advice to you would be to seek out one or two girls in the class that you know are kind and have good middos. They might not be the most popular girls in the class, but that’s OK. Foster their friendship. Develop a relationship. Once you have an ally, you will have more self-confidence.

Truthfully, why would you want to be friends with the other girls? They are exhibiting mean behavior. This behavior can be confusing and inconsistent. One day, a girl may seem like your best friend, and the next day she may refuse to speak to you.

There are a number of reasons why girls choose to be mean. Perhaps it is peer pressure or trying to gain popularity or having been a recipient of this behavior themselves. Mean girl behavior can often be considered bullying.

I have noticed that cliques and social groups are more common among girls. There is normally some sort of hierarchy to a clique. Those who are considered the most popular or who have the most dominating personalities become the leaders. When a clique has already been formed, it can be difficult to enter unless you are invited. You should know, it is not uncommon to be excluded from joining.

I have seen many girls who have been rejected from a clique that even contained old friendships. When this happens, you feel betrayed and alone.

Perhaps that loneliness can be viewed as a lesson and even a bracha.

You now have a unique opportunity to take your freshman year experience and use it to further your own growth in middos. You will have gained such an important sensitivity towards others that perhaps you didn’t even possess before. It can cause you to be an even more warm and welcoming person, especially to those with limited friends. You possess something now that most are lacking: an acute sensitivity to other girls’ feelings. You can channel this deep empathetic understanding to help others in the future and counsel those who are going through this very overwhelming stage.

I hope my suggestions are helpful. If you take the path of surrounding yourself with girls that have fine middos, you will be able to navigate your high school experience in a positive state of mind and your feelings of loneliness and anxiety will disappear.

Mrs. Osnat (Arlene) Klestzick, a resident of Far Rockaway, has been the English principal of Bnos Leah Prospect Park Yeshiva Elementary School in Brooklyn for the past forty years. She is now semi-retired and remains principal emeritus.