15 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Advertisement
Dear Navidaters, I went out on a few Zoom dates with a great guy. He suggested we meet up in my backyard or at a local park where we would adhere to strict social distancing guidelines with gloves and masks. The thought of meeting someone with gloves and a mask is giving me a lot of anxiety. The mask makes me feel like people are being trapped or can’t speak. I know that isn’t logical but that’s what my anxiety is telling me. I have been to the supermarket for my mother, and I actually had my first panicky episode. I had to get out. I have gone back because I refuse to be afraid but I don’t feel good about it. I’m afraid if I meet him and see the mask I will get panicky and have to leave. Dear Navidaters,
I would like to stick to Zoom dating and not meet just yet but he really wants to meet from a social distance. I know we’ve never lived through anything like this before, but do you think it’s OK to strictly Zoom date and not meet? Do you think we can move forward exclusively virtually? And, by the way, I never had anxiety in my life. This fear and anxiety is brand new for me. I had no issues dating or meeting anyone for any reason before. What do you suggest I do? I don’t want to let him get away be cause of my issue with the masks.
Thank you,
Sarah
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Sarah, I am going to turn the question back to you. You have a choice. You can either deal with your new anxiety about being masked and its related issues, or not and stay home, not go out, and not meet the fellow at all in person. In other words, you can confront your fear or hide behind it. Since this is not related to dating per se, I would think about the question in these terms.
This is not a dating question. This is a question about whether you are brave enough to face up to the fact that you have anxiety about Covid that is triggered by wearing a face mask. You can choose to seek professional help or you can stay indoors. The epidemic is not going away soon. There will be many more times in the near future when you will want to go out and observe social distancing norms. You can stay indoors for the next few months or not. These are unprecedented times and staying inside with your fears and away from the possibility of encountering the virus will feel safest.
Choosing to deal with your anxiety will give you two advantages besides mobility during the current pandemic. You will develop the confidence and maturity that results from honest introspection and personal work. You will also develop skills for dealing with other life challenges that will inevitably come up in the future.
Choose a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) specialist if you go the mental health professional route. CBT is an evidence-based modality of therapy that is used for anxiety and trauma. It is a short-term approach that works. not the right thing for you to do right now. If you get haskama from your rav and doctor to date without masks that may be an option, too.
I will say, however, that the wording in your question alludes to a deeper issue. This is not just about dating. You describe your experience seeing people in masks as something far more traumatic than it should be. To quote your words, “The thought of meeting someone with gloves and a mask is giving me a lot of anxiety. The mask makes me feel like people are being trapped or can’t speak.” By now it has been weeks since the reality of mask-wearing has set in. Someone may feel confined by the use of a seatbelt in a car but since it is safe, it is what we do until eventually we rarely think about the reality of it. If one were to feel chained by the look or thought of it for a considerable amount of time, that person would have to work through that to ride in a car safely. You will need to work through these thoughts not just to date but to live life normally again when things will start to reopen (hopefully soon). Reopening does not mean the mask comes off, and we are all free to go about as before. Even more so, when more people are out and about, it will be imperative for people to wear masks in public places.
Find a therapist to deal with your new reality. The therapist should get to the bottom of why a person in a mask makes you feel this way and what you can do about it. At that point you can think about dating in person again.
The Single
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond W hat you describe is a very personal decision. If you find that meeting a guy in a mask is uncomfortable for you, then dating in person is
Michelle Mond S arah, what you are feeling and experiencing now is extremely justified. We are living in unprecedented times where the stressors surrounding corona combined with dating have led people to face new anxieties. You are far from alone.
Zoom dating is the smart and responsible approach to starting a relationship now while following social distancing guidelines. There is no reason for people to be constantly exposing themselves to each other, especially if the relationship will only be one or two dates long. However, there are some dangers. Through a screen you can only see one or two dimensions of a multi-dimensional person. The lack of certain perspectives forces us to fill in the gaps based on what we think we see or what we want to see. Any sense of real chemistry or bonding is far beyond the confines of cyberspace. In order to cultivate a real emotional relationship, you must meet in person.
As for the anxiety, our false sense of control and security were just stripped of us, leaving us stuck in between the unknown and uncertainty. Seeing everyone walk around with masks and gloves is a scary sight, and I understand how it makes you feel panicky and trapped. Everything you are describing is justified and accurate. As a world at large, and especially on an individual level, we are going through a trauma that is going to take time to bounce back from.
Find ways to cope with your anxiety by speaking to a friend or mentor, learning meditation or yoga techniques, or consulting a professional. Ask others who are experiencing the same feelings what they are doing to manage. The best thing you could do for yourself and your dating life is to be in the healthiest place you can be.
Explain to the guy how you feel and about the reservations you have about the circumstances surrounding meeting in person. Be vulnerable and see how he reacts. Find methods to help you feel comfortable with masks and gloves and try to meet in person in an open area and more than 6 feet apart. Agree to end the meeting as soon as someone feels uncomfortable, alleviating anxieties.
You need to take care of yourself. If it is going to cause you to have a panic attack to meet in person then you don’t have to. You could stick to Zoom dating for now, but I would proceed with serious caution and eyes
wide open. Another option would be to part ways and agree that if you are both available in the future you will try again, as this is circumstantial and not about the relationship. Regardless of what you decide to do, I have a feeling gloves and masks will become part of our short- and longterm future.
This is a frustrating situation for everyone on various levels. Just remember that Hashem orchestrated all of this – from a global shutdown to your date. This is all part of Hashem’s plan even if it doesn’t seem conducive to yours. He knows what He’s doing and the reality is we can only go up from here.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler I nitial impressions When I first read this letter, I wondered: 1. On Purim, didn’t she and her friends dress up with costumes and masks? 2. How does she tolerate dental appointments, when the dentist and hygienist wear protective masks? 3. It’s a good thing she doesn’t live in a Muslim environment, where women are heavily veiled and wear burqas. 4. I guess that a masquerade-themed engagement party is out
of the question. 5. Perhaps now, women everywhere can understand why a chassan, at a badeken, looks so nervous when he approaches his veiled kallah. 6. How is this girl going to survive childbirth, surrounded by masked medical personnel?
Upon deeper analysis
It’s clear that Sarah deserves a more serious response. This relationship, of course, must progress from Zoom dating to live dating. So, why are masks causing Sarah to experience such panic and anxiety? 1. The problem can actually be physiological. If Sarah has a deviated septum, or some form of constricted airway, then wearing a mask can cause a breathing problem. Is she a mouth breather? Difficulty with breathing through a mask can certainly cause a panic reaction. If so, she should consult with a speech pathologist or ENT specialist. 2. Or, the problem can be an overwhelming need to communicate clearly. When we communicate, we do
not merely process sounds; we subconsciously analyze body language and facial expressions. Without those clues, communication can be anxiety-provoking. (Note that a North Carolina audiologist provides masks with a clear portion around the mouth. Her hearing-impaired patients were having difficulty understanding others because a face mask cuts down the volume level of speech by ten decibels.) 3. Moreover, I learned something new. There is actually a psychological condition known as
“Maskaphobia,” or fear of masks. If you google the term, you will find
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Pulling It All Together
You are not alone in your dis comfort or anxiety that the mask induces within you. While it is something I am getting used to, I want to share with you and anyone else reading this who is impacted by the idea or sight of the mask that the first time I went to the supermarket
Dear Sarah, I work intimately with a lot of people. This pandemic has affected everyone I know both per sonally and professionally in some way, shape, or form. The imprint this time will leave with all of us, while unknown, will certainly be significant.
wearing one I found myself short of breath. I moved the wagon to the side, and told the man at the front door that the mask was giving me anxiety and that I was feeling panicky. He gave me a huge smile and said, “You’re not the first one today.” That made me feel better. While I didn’t like knowing that oth er people were so unsettled by the mask, it gave me comfort to know that I am not alone.
If I can offer you that comfort, I would like to. We are human beings living in a very unhuman, unnatural world. We are used to seeing faces and watching mouths move. We are used to feeling free dom. We are used to not worrying about contracting a deadly virus at the supermarket. None of this feels OK. We know this is not how we’re meant to live. And for many people, it can feel very scary.
I think you need to find a compe tent therapist to help you work through your anxiety so that you can live life with the mask and be in the company of others with a mask. I think you need to identify and then address what it is exactly that you find so triggering about the mask.
Have a question for the panel? They’re here to help you with your dating conundrums.
And whatever that trigger(s) is needs to be examined and ex plored. You also need some tools to help you navigate and hopefully overcome your fear so that it doesn’t stop you from doing something you may want to do – whether it is dat ing, going to the supermarket with confidence, going to a store when things reopen, etc. To anyone who is afraid of the mask, I urge you to get help now.
As an aside, I try not to watch the news for more than ten minutes a day now. The barrage of scary and uncertain information is enough to make my head spin. I often finish watching the news feeling more con fused than when I started. I imagine the thousands, if not millions, of people tuning it and the phobia that has settled in to our culture. And maybe we should be scared. I’m not here to comment on political agen das or the deadliness of the virus... only to comment on the fear we are living with on a daily basis. That fear is palpable, and it has seeped into humanity’s psyche – from the youngest of children to the elderly.
that “masks distort the wearer’s appearance, causing him to look strange and unusual. Also, most masks do not feature moving mouths, so when the wearer speaks, the sound appears to come out of nowhere.”
If this is the problem, cognitive behavioral therapy with a competent psychologist is a relatively simple solution.
By the time this column appears in The Jewish Home, COVID-19 isolation might already be a thing of the past. Nevertheless, Sarah, please don’t neglect this issue and be sure to properly explore the causes of your anxiety.
Just a suggestion that you can do this Sunday, if so inspired. Drive to a parking lot. Do not get out of your car. If doctor approved, don’t wear a mask in your car. I’d like you to just look at the people passing by in their masks. You are safely tucked away in your car. I’d like you to simply notice what is coming up for you. Bring a notebook with you and write down whatever is coming up for you. Perhaps you already know. Perhaps you will discover it.If this suggestion feels too daunting, that is OK. Sit in a quiet space and have a mask next to you in your view. Look at it. Touch it. Be still. Notice your thoughts and feelings as they arise. Don’t fear your thoughts. Whatever comes up is fine. Write it down.
I want you to spend time with the mask every day. First in small, manageable bits. Two minutes with it in the morning. Thirty seconds in the afternoon. There are so many ways for you to get comfortable with the mask. There are wonderful guided meditations, visualizations, and mindfulness techniques online for managing anxiety.
Just a friendly reminder to any one with a fear of the mask; the mask is here to protect us. We are all still right here. We’re all visible and present. We’re all still human. The humans we always knew. And though I am nowhere on this lev
el of belief, I dothink the world is exactly how it should be. We are going through tremendous pain as a world. It almost feels to me as though the world is in labor. This hurts so much, in so many painful ways. I am confident that there will be a new beginning. And that there will come a day when we are all together again. While we must be cautious, we can’t live life in fear. Though it can sometimes feel like our humanity has been stripped from us, in a certain way I feel clos er to humans than ever; feeling connected to people throughout history that have suffered through pandemics, wars, poverty, slavery, pogroms, etc. Maybe it would be easier for some of us if we were clearly told, “Stay inside and do not come out.” The mask represents this grey area, of confusion. It’s safe enough to come out, but don’t breathe the air.
I deeply understand why a mask provokes anxiety and that there are many different reasons it provokes it. You shared that you feel trapped or silenced in the mask. Think for a few moments of what might allow you to feel free and/or heard in the mask. Maybe buying a funky mask that expresses something about you would be helpful. I’ve seen some pretty cool masks out there. May be if you figured out a way to have fun with it or create some humor around it that would help you with your fears.
Back to your question... A lot of people are strictly Zoom dating, but I am seeing more and more people dating in real life (IRL). They are going for walks, to parks, sitting in backyards and basements being offered by community members. If doctor approved, I don’t want you to miss out on life. In my opinion, I don’t think Zoom dating can be maintained indefinitely. At some point, you will need to transfer to a real live date. A few sessions with a qualified therapist may be all that is needed to work through this issue.
All the best! Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779,
ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
Ruby Lasker Designs
Flower Delivery Club Join the
