The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Sharon, this is a serious red flag. He is putting her down, plain and simple. That is not OK! She is being disrespected regularly now and will be at risk for abuse if she stays in this relationship.

She did not recognize this so-called poking fun. You are unsure of what it is and mentioned how he balances her out. You are seeing the plus of putdowns. Get yourselves to skilled help as soon as possible. You both need to recognize red flags and to respect your instincts. This is a process, however, that should not end with her ending the relationship. Empower yourselves and make sure you are respected in all relationships, especially those that will be permanent.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Iam so relieved to hear they’re dating and not yet engaged. It would be much trickier to offer advice if it were the latter. This boy is quite simply not being nice, and I would advise you to look into whether he has a history of being controlling with other people’s behavior. A young man could be a great learner, good looking, and alah mailos, as they say, but have serious middos issues. When a young woman is dating, she may get so caught up in the excitement of dating a top boy, thereby ignoring the small warning signs of him not being a nice or sensitive person. Perhaps her good-hearted nature will assure her that he is indeed just joking around and maybe blame herself for being disorganized. It is the easier option for her to keep dating, because nothing is blatantly wrong and she would have to start all over again if she ends it.

She must remember these are things she will have to live with for the rest of her life. Advise her to trust her gut. Assure her that these comments are indeed not nice, and she is not overthinking it. A man should want to be on his best behavior when he is dating, and if he is acting sub-par now, even more so she should think about how it will be when they’re married. At the very least, she should bring this up with him in conversation and let him know that his comments are hurtful. She can gauge his reactions and see if his actions change. If nothing changes or he belittles her feelings, it might just be time to say goodbye.

The

tent of his comments and therefore can’t determine if it’s a red flag based on your limited feedback. Does he think he’s being funny or trying to make her feel more comfortable by exercising sarcasm? Has she exercised communication (the most important ingredient in a healthy relationship) to voice her feelings and requests for him to stop? Maybe he’s clueless and thinks she considers his mockery as banter. She can’t truly know the extent of his middot or intentions until she communicate her feelings and needs. After doing so, his response (and time) will determine whether it’s truly a red flag or not.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Idiscussed this question with my wife, who, besides being my partner, is also my best friend and harshest critic.

I told her that my response would be, “Are they color blind? Can’t they see the giant red flags waving in their faces?”

My wife said, “Don’t write that. Try to be kind. You need to gently and politely explain what’s wrong in this relationship.”

So, here goes. In a healthy, successful relationship, it’s great if one party has skills that the other party lacks. For example, in social situations, my wife is great at friendly small talk, while I’m often tongue-tied; she’s great at remembering people’s names, while I’m often clueless.

In a healthy relationship, it’s OK to playfully tease each other about their foibles, and it’s OK to try and help improve someone’s shortcomings. But it is definitely not okay to belittle, mock, and bully a partner. What you are describing in your letter is not a balancing, complementary relationship, where one partner’s strengths offset another partner’s weaknesses. What you are describing is a toxic relationship, where a bully is trying to dominate his partner by disparaging her as a person.

Nevertheless, if your daughter still feels that this relationship might be worth salvaging, she must tell him, “I know that I’m sometimes awkward and disorganized. I can try to do better, but that is who I am, and I do not appreciate you making fun of me. For this relationship to continue, I need you to please stop those insulting, disparaging remarks.”

Remember the old cautionary adage,

“Red sky in the morning, sailor’s warning.” This boyfriend’s remarks are a big, giant, red flag.

Dear Shannon,

Thank you for your email! Making fun of someone when the recipient doesn’t find it funny isn’t a joke. It is mean. Some people grow up in environments where people tease or take jabs at each other, and it’s just the culture of the house. If a partner is sensitive to that, it is the responsibility of the joke-maker to be sensitive to his/her partner and stop or cut back on the jokes. Beyond his unhelpful remarks are the condescending remarks where he seems to think he is your daughter’s teacher or authority.

It is very important to marry someone who views you as an equal and doesn’t feel it is his/her place to teach you lessons or change you.

If your daughter hasn’t done so already, I recommend she and her boyfriend go for coun - seling to try to sort this out before they get engaged. It is wonderful that your daughter is expressing her concerns to you. Let her know her concerns are valid and, if you can, gently suggest that she speak with a professional counselor about this. I think you have reason to be concerned as this may be a red flag.

Always encourage your daughter to trust her intuition!

Sincerely, Jennifer

Areader asked me: “I see on the Jerusalem maps that Gonen is extremely well located, so why have I never heard of this community?”

The answer is that, despite the government’s new “Israeli” name, everyone still refers to the Jerusalem neighborhood by its original name: Katamon.

Katamon is located in southern Jerusalem and is bounded by Talbieh to the northeast and the German Colony and the Greek Colony to the southeast. The name Katamon is Greek, meaning “below the monastery,” referring to the nearby San Simon monastery which is surrounded by an enormous beautiful public park. Katamon actually branches out into nine neighborhoods, collectively called Katamonim (or officially: Gonenim), with the oldest and most prime neighborhood called Old Katamon.

Katamon was established just before World War I and became a ghost town at the beginning of the 1948 War of Independence after the Christian Arabs fled. Within a few weeks, it was converted to housing for Jews evacuated from the Old City and for many waves of new immigrants, primarily the throngs of Jews who were expelled from Middle Eastern countries after 1948.

During the War of Independence, the Palmach heroically battled to retain