Parenting Pearls

from Baltimore Jewish Home - 9-17-21

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Parenting Pearls Simcha on Sukkos

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Despite the harsh environment of the desert, Hashem protected us with the Ananei Hakavod. Irrelevant of how harsh the outside world was, our ancestors could take comfort in their personal divine protection. We celebrate this special relationship and gift each year as Sukkos rolls around.

It’s easy to think that what happened in the midbar stayed in the midbar but that isn’t the case. Our children are surrounded by complicated and painful surroundings. It’s our job as parents to create those clouds of protection for them. While we can’t, and shouldn’t, protect them from every negative, they need to be kept shielded from the full extent of the onslaught.

We, too, can provide a home of protection and love for our children. While we can’t stop arrows or snakes with our bare hands, we can do our best to create a fortress of protection for our family and help each member grow, in a safe environment, to their full potential.

Experience the Mitzvos

Children learn best from doing rather than lectures. Hands-on is the way to go, particularly with the youngest of learners. These yomim tovim are such an enjoyable way to experience the mitzvos. Shaking the lulav, smelling the esrog (when permitted), living in the sukkah, banging the hoshanos, and dancing with the Torah are all active and fun ways to experience the mitzvos.

Take advantage of having such an automatic learning environment surrounding you. Allow your child to have a blast, all while serving Hashem. By creating positive associations to the mitzvos, we are giving them a gift both for now and the future.

In general, it can be a challenge to get kids involved and interested. We know that we often want our children to feel connected and take part in the festivities, but they can be hesitant. Over this week you have so much at your fingertips for children to enjoy that it’s worth taking full advantage of it. I have a video from last year of my toddlers relishing the banging of the hoshanos. Who knew banging branches on the front steps could be such a thrill?! With a little creativity and focus, we can attempt to make each minute count the most.

Don’t forget to have fun alongside your child, too. You put the work into cooking, cleaning, building the sukkah and all the other necessities of the yom tov, and you deserve some enjoyment out of it, not just exhaustion. Plus, your children will appreciate everything more with you beside them.

Simcha in the Sukkah

The sukkah can be so much fun. Kids spend hours building tents and forts with their blankets and here they have a real one in their backyard! While obviously the sukkah has more kedusha than their bed linens, the sukkah is easily an enjoyable experience.

I grew up where we were one of the few Jewish families in our immediate radius. There was a church on the corner, and most of my neighbors’ children attended the church’s school next to it. My neighbors were, for the most part, overwhelmingly respectful of us being Orthodox Jews. I still remember how much the neighborhood children anticipated our sukkah. Yes, they looked forward to seeing it in our backyard and were thrilled when “the hut holiday” arrived. There is something truly special about a sukkah that nearly everyone can feel.

Take advantage of that natural enthusiasm and make your sukkah experience one they’ll remember. Sing and dance in the sukkah. Do projects there and play games. We used to make popsicle stick sukkot as a project each year. As they made their miniature, wooden models we were able to discuss the halachos and requirements of a kosher sukkah. Some years I purchased board games so we could enjoy family game time in the sukkah.

The sukkah can easily be the initial infrastructure necessary for amazing family together time. Think of what would be special for your child to do in the sukkah and don’t underestimate how much they will feel from the experience.

Hakafos

You might ask what could be said about hakafos. Dancing, singing, and candy are a popular combination for most kids that it almost seems not worth discussing. For most kids, this is the highlight of their year, competing only with Purim. For other children, there are reasons to be hesitant. Some kids have serious difficulties in large crowds or noisy environments. Other kids may have limited attention spans or other concerns.

One of our precious children was exactly that way, and we were challenged with how to give him an enjoyable hakafos experience without overwhelming him. We found a wonderful yeshiva hakafos that had plenty of space for dancing. My husband walked in the circle, holding our son’s hand, as our son walked along the outer perimeter. Our son enjoyed the dancing so much that he chose that as his first choice for hakafos for over a decade, long after the original issues were resolved.

You don’t need to dance where we dance but, with a little research, you can hopefully find a comfortable environment for your child on Simchas Torah. While some children enjoy the loud and crowded shul, others prefer the more spacious and roomy location. Forcing your child to go far out of their comfort zone might cause them more pain than love for the mitzvah, chas v’shalom. Many families really want to dance in their usual makom tefilla and that is beautiful. If it won’t work for your child, then don’t impose your makom on them. Find a solution that works for everyone. Maybe that means dancing in your special place without your child while finding a few

minutes to bring them to a location that is geared to them. It might mean limiting their time in your makom. Think through your various options ahead of time and be flexible on Simchas Torah itself.

Smaller kids can have smaller attention spans. Some years my little ones felt fulfilled after only a few minutes of hakafos; longer than that and they were crawling on the mechitzah – literally. As adults, we assume that children will definitely enjoy the festivities yet we can overestimate our child’s tolerance. Watch your child and recognize when they’ve reached their limits. Once they’re no longer enjoying it, then it’s time to leave or go outside for a breather.

Additionally, hungry children and tired children won’t enjoy the merriment as much, so it’s usually beneficial to take care of those needs first. Something as simple as a quick, healthy snack before leaving can make a big difference.

Most kids won’t require these accommodations and will party with the crowd. For those who need a little adjustment, you can make the changes that will give them the joy they deserve, too.

There are tons of treats to make the dancing even sweeter. I will remind adults to be careful before giving snacks or food to children they don’t know. Besides the different hechsherim that exist, not all of which are accepted by everyone, you have the major issues of food allergies. Just because the child wants it, doesn’t mean they should have it. If you don’t know if it’s safe for any particular child, then hold off until their adult approves. Also, find out the food/allergy policy of the location before bringing in any food. While

By creating positive associations to the mitzvos, we are giving them a gift both for now and the future.

parents of allergic children know to watch their sensitive child, you’d be surprised how easily allergens fly, and parents may not be on their full guard if the shul prohibits the item in question. One of my children had a potentially serious reaction after eating a crumb from the floor one year. A parent of an allergic child might assume nuts or other items won’t be present if the shul has a strict policy against that particular allergen. Parents of allergic children should never rely on that assumption. I’ve been to a strict nut-free location and saw an actual tube of peanut butter there; a parent thought it would be a great snack for their child. I don’t mean to scare you; I simply want to remind you to be extra vigilant and not to rely on policies.

Sukkos and Simchas Torah are such special days. After the seriousness and intensity of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, we get the chance to celebrate and serve Hashem with that extra dose of joy. Have a wonderful yom tov along with your child and enjoy!

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.