Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters, I’m embarrassed to ask this question with my name, so I hope it’s OK if I use a pseudonym. I was never a book smart girl and did really poorly in the local Bais Yaakov school I attended. I’m surrounded by siblings who are brilliant and always did well, which tainted my reputation even more in school when teachers expected more of me. To make things short: I got through school but with a very negative experience and with teachers who always compared me to my siblings. I went to an amazing seminary for two years and did very well there. I am creative and became a successful graphic designer and started shidduchim about three years ago. Every time I’m asked for my resume I get asked if I could also give a high school reference which I choose not to provide – I refuse. I think this is the reason I’ve been set up so few times. Boys don’t often say yes to me.

Can I ever get past my past as a non-academic kid? Can I get away with never sending a high-school reference?

Thanks,

Elisheva*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Elisheva, you seem to be very worried about your reputation and resume. I hear you; with a history of frequent comparisons to your sisters and having a weak academic high school record, that’s understandable. As you mentioned, that was history. You are successful in your profession for a few years and you probably have a lot to post on your resume besides your high school references. Make sure to put contacts in your resume who will vouch for your volunteering, your hobbies, and interests. Put down people who know you in a broader community/ neighborhood/camp/organizing settings, not just institutional or educational contexts, such as neighbors, youth group leaders, and community activists. Show that you are multidimensional and talented. Not everyone is looking for an academic person; people care about middos and menchlechkeit, not your SAT scores. Life skills including communication, maturity, and resilience are very important.

Try to develop a broader network for shidduchim through your other activities and interests. Go to other communities (including out-of-town cities) to meet people and shadchanim. It will grow your confidence. Find ways to share your successes with others.

That being said, I do think that mention on your resume of your high school is important. It will be noticeable if it is absent. But you don’t have to give references from that school. However, since people may go back and find high school references on their own, I would suggest that a friend’s parent, neighbor, or other adult community member whom you trust be asked to call some members of the high school administration and give them an update on your current accomplishments and career success. Let them hear what you are doing and what a swan you have become.

In other words, be proactive and have people who can testify to your character and accomplishments frame your current adult attributes.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

You sound like a smart, accomplished, fine young woman who will find her bashert when the right one comes along. I know the process, and it is so strenuous and humbling. You are not alone in that you did not have a positive high school experience. I know many young men and women who sit and meet with me who have the same sentiments regarding high school.

If you are finding the high school reference to be a hindrance from getting dates, I can offer one piece of advice. Choose one person from high school, whether it be a teacher, secretary, tutor, or mechaneches and offer her a once-a-week chessed. Tell her you are back from seminary, have some time on your hands, and would love to help out. Build a relationship through chessed and ask if you could add her to your shidduch resume as a reference. Then, voila! You will have a high-school reference.

However, the problem truly might not be high school, rather Hashem fielding the wrong ones from being suggested for you; which actually makes it a bracha. When the right one comes along, he won’t even think to ask about high school because he just won’t care! He will be happy with the references you do provide. Think about all the married people you know from all different types of academic backgrounds. Your SAT scores don’t trump Hashem’s ability to find you your SAT (Shidduch At The Right Time).

In the meantime, feel free to send me your resume through the editor; I’d be happy to look out for you.

May we hear good news this year!

The Single

Rivka Weinberg

Elisheva, this question made me smile, and for me it simply reiterated the idea of “the grass is not always greener on the other side.” Personally, I am an academic individual, and I have always been nervous that because of it I would be set up with nerdy, socially-off, intellectual guys. From time to time, part of me wished that I was slightly less academic, with the hopes of getting the name of a guy who was with-it and quick. So reading that you hope to get past your non-academic times is a great reminder to me that Hashem has a plan for each and every one of us – thank you for that. Now onto your question, I am having a hard time understanding why you refuse to send a high school reference. Whether you did well in high school or not has nothing to do with your personality and middos, so although the teachers may not speak to your academic skills, they will have the opportunity to discuss you as an individual. And even if your middos were not where you wish they were at that time, it’s important to keep in mind that as individuals we are constantly growing and evolving. If someone looks into you and hears that you weren’t academic in high school and didn’t have the best middos but have worked on yourself tremendously and are thriving now, and they continue to hesitate, that’s their problem, not yours.

In Oros Hateshuvah we learn that “the primary focus of teshuvah should be to rectify the present and the future. When this is accomplished, Hashem will help one rectify the past as well.” You should continue to look ahead into the bright future that awaits you and not allow your actions of the past to take control of your mind. However, in order to do that, you need to accept and love yourself first. Without this first step of self-acceptance and self-love, you cannot appropriately participate in a relationship. So although it appears to you that the high school reference is interfering with your shidduchim, maybe Hashem is giving you the opportunity to work on yourself and your self-esteem before you try to dive into caring for someone else.

One of the best pieces of advice I would give to a fellow single is to take advantage of your singlehood to better yourself and cultivate the tools necessary to build a healthy and enduring relationship.

You need to accept and love yourself first.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Ihave not yet heard of a shidduch rejection because someone got a

“C” in high school chemistry. Before you blame the rejections on your high school background, please ask your trusted shadchan for the reason. It might be something else, entirely.

However, let’s discuss what to do if your assumption is correct, and it is your high school history that is holding you back. It’s safe to assume that no one actually wants to see your old high school report cards; what dating prospects want to see are positive character assessments from your high school principals and guidance counselors.

So, if you fear that they will give you negative character references, there is a remedy for you. Make an appointment to meet with them. Explain that your high school experience was marred by your frustration at not being able to maintain the academic excellence of your siblings. And, that even though you might not have expressed it when you were a student, you appreciate the guidance and direction that the faculty provided.

Proceed to explain to them how their guidance stayed with you and helped you excel in seminary. Show them glowing letters from your seminary teachers. And proudly explain how today, older and wiser, you are a respected and successful graphic designer.

Then, volunteer to speak with, and share your experiences with, the current senior class. You can offer the students insights into a career in graphic designing.

They may or may not take you up on your offer to volunteer, but they will almost certainly re-think their previous negative perceptions of you. Ask them, politely and respectfully, if you can list them as references in your shidduch resume.

Your SAT scores don’t trump Hashem’s ability to find you your SAT (Shidduch At The right Time).

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Elisheva,

Thank you for writing into our panel. Your question speaks to so many readers who had all sorts of difficulties in high school and are in shidduchim. Leaving out information on a resume will leave many people raising an eyebrow. What is he/she hiding? they may wonder.

It is my personal opinion and belief that honesty is always the best policy. There is no foolproof answer here, and there is always the possibility that Mr. Right may not care what is excluded from your resume, so please keep that in mind as you continue reading my response. I think that not including something as important as where you went to high school may not serve you well moving forward in the current shidduch world, set up as it is.

My other personal opinion and belief is that no one should be judged or dismissed based on their high school experience. It is ludicrous, small-minded, unjust and exclusionary with shades of Darwinism. Some of the most well-adjusted, stable and successful people I know had miserable experiences in high school for a myriad of reasons. Perhaps high school didn’t complement someone’s natural abilities and talents. This is not because a person isn’t a student. It is because not every learning environment is appropriate for every student. And for a bad high school experience to haunt a phenomenal young woman such as yourself into her successful career path and her dating life is incredibly unfair to you and every person to whom this happens.

I will say this: the right person will not care about your report cards or what your teachers from many moons ago have to say about you. The right person will look at who you are now. He and his family will take into account all of your accomplishments! Not all of us have a “perfect” track record. Don’t let this system have you believing that you are less than or unworthy! People who will judge you based on your past aren’t worth your breath, Elisheva.

My personal advice (to be thought over and taken or discarded as ultimately you have to do what feels right for you!) is to be honest and include your high school on your resume. If you’d like, you can call one of the warmer, personable teachers you had, asking for a few moments of her time. Explain your situation. Ask if you can use her as a personal reference. Believe me when I tell you that you are not the first or the last former student to make a phone call like this. It is my hope that this hardship will open the door to a beautiful, growth-oriented, caring, empathic and special soul (your zivug) to enter your life. I do believe that honesty is the best policy.

Best of luck with your decision!

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.