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OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
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Parenting Pearls
SEPTEMBER 2, 2021
Winning Wars
THE BALTIMORE JEWISH HOME
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
B A LT I M O R E J E W I S H H O M E . C O M
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t wasn’t until a certain point in life that I developed a certain maturity and began to understand the phrases “pick your battles” and “win the battle but lose the war.” Eventually, I began to find that those two phrases can guide a lot of interpersonal relationships. It’s important to not take the phrase too far and think you’re in conflict with everyone, but the idea that not everything needs to be a fight is important. I found this to be especially the case with parenting.
Analyzing the Phrases I won’t say these phrases have the status of Torah m’Sinai so we won’t need Rashi and Tosfos understand them, but we can still use any wisdom they may contain. I’d say the phrase “pick your battles” has two components to it. It’s important to pick your battles, and this is the first component. You also need tremendous self-control to ignore the battles not worth fighting, and this is the second component. Knowing what to stress and what to drop, and then following through is key and are two steps of the process. Pick wisely. If you fight everything, then you are focusing on noth-
ing. Pick what’s most important or relevant to your child at this time. You also may choose what’s most realistic for them to do. As an example, not hitting a sibling is more important to focus on than talking about not yelling at a sibling. Expecting a teen to refrain from cursing or talking back to a parent may be more realistic than expecting them to refrain from yelling at the air. Please note I am not insinuating that any teenager would ever curse or talk back to their parents, chas v’shalom. Think carefully before picking your priorities. You want this to be something that will improve their chinuch and personal middos. Non-prioritized items can either be dropped or dealt with in a more minor fashion, depending on the behaviors in question and your child’s needs. Using the example above, you may give a consequence for hitting but not for yelling at a sibling. You then have the option of gently reminding your child at a later point that yelling is wrong or leave it alone, depending on the situation. Know that taking a step back and allowing time to focus on what is important (while ignoring the rest) can
also be a way to assist your child in their chinuch. We know that, come Rosh Hashana, when we make grand plans, we are left with nothing after a few days, but, if we make a sincere effort to make a small change, we have a good chance of keeping it. I like to think of dropping the minor stuff your child does similarly. You may think your child is getting away with things if you don’t punish them for every little error but recognize that after a certain point, punishments become meaningless and your child may tune you out. Do feel free to have this discussion with your child, especially a teenager, and explain to them what you are doing. Your child may even have some insights to share with you or be more motivated to work towards goals that are particularly meaningful to them. Focus on what’s important and ignore the rest. Don’t sweat the minor stuff. In this summer’s heat, we’re all sweating enough; no reason to add to it. Once you know what you’re focusing on, it takes a lot of parental self-control to refrain from harping on things. Some parents may even find learning to hold themself back from criticizing or commenting is one
of the things they are taking on this Rosh Hashana.
Losing to Win Let’s focus on the concept that you can win a battle but still lose the war. In chess, a player may sacrifice a piece, even an important piece, if they know it will put them in a better position. I also realized this lesson at some point in marriage. I could fight whatever was bothering me then and win the fight, but my shalom bayis would suffer. I also could drop the current issue but have a stronger marriage. Using self-control, I even had the option of bringing my concerns up later in a calmer fashion when it wouldn’t be a battle and I’d still win the war, i.e., have stronger shalom bayis. George Washington is well-known for leading unsophisticated troops to victory over a well-equipped and trained army. What few realize is that one of his main techniques to win was to actually retreat and run away from battle. He successfully used this method to lose many battles but win a big war. I recall hearing that he was even mocked for the sheer number of battles he lost. I think it’s clear who
