School of Thought

By Etti Siegel

Q: Dear Etti, I couldn’t wait for school to start! The kids were home without a schedule, and it was so hard. Now, my daughter is suddenly having stomachaches, and I can’t deny that she is probably anxious about school. My neighbor can’t stop telling me how excited her kids are, but even school supply shopping didn’t help get my daughter in the mood. How can I help her look forward to going back? - Mom of an anxious child

A: Dear Mom, You don’t say what grade your daughter is in, but being anxious for school is common for all age children! While many are excited, like your neighbors, some children are uneasy. Is your child entering a transition year (Pre1A, middle school, junior high school?) Is your child going to a new school? Is there a chance the classes will be mixed, and she is worried about not being with her friends?

Dr. Rachel Busman, a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety, says that for most children, this nervousness will pass. Parents should be supportive without making the anxiety worse.

Here are some tips: 1. Don’t project your anxiety. Are you feeling anxious, and your child is picking up on those vibes? There is stress when beginning the school year. The return to routine; the expectations on the parents for supplies, snacks, lunch, and uniforms in some schools can be a lot to deal with. Anxiety can be contagious! 2. Just listen. Find ways your children can share their thoughts and don’t dismiss their concerns or try to fix the issue they are bringing up. Often, children just want to work it out for themselves, which they do out loud with a trusted adult. You can guide them in a neutral way by repeating information back and asking them if they have any ideas on what they could do about it. Show confidence in your children’s ability to think it through. Don’t add to their anxiety with leading questions. “Are you worried about the lunchroom? About having Mrs. Bellings?” They might not have thought about those issues…and now they will!

3. Pick times to talk/listen that are not putting the child on the

spot. I used to find that time in the car was a great chance “At the end of the day, the to have my child share, be- most overwhelming key cause I was not focusing on her and therefore she felt less to a child’s success is the judged and could talk freely. positive involvement of Washing dishes was another time that I had a different fo- parents.” cus, so a younger child might stand near me or sit on the counter near me and talk and an older child might choose to dry dishes and share.

4. Do what you can to make the unfamiliar

more familiar. Try to introduce your child to some other children who will be in her class, if possible. Don’t be shy; do this for your child. Chances are that the other parents will be happy you reached out! Take your child to see the school; your child might be intimidated by the new situation (preschool, junior high, high school) and just being familiar with the building will help alleviate the fear of the unknown.

5. Read some stories about starting school

with your anxious preschooler. I Go to School by Rikki Benefield is an example of a “social story” that is calming for children. Social Stories are stories that help a child know what a situation will look like, feel like, and helps children understand what is expected of them in the situation. Though it was developed by Carol Gray in the late 1980’s for autistic children, parents and teachers all over find that such stories help children with anxiety. You can find books about going to the dentist, going to shul, going to a zoo, and going to a wedding in your local Judaica store.

6. Write or draw a story with your child about the experience

coming up. You do not have to be an artist to have your child call you one! If you really can’t draw, cut pictures out of magazines, newspapers, or find pictures online, and make your own Social Story!

7. Be a partner to

the teacher. If your child has an issue that the school can help with, tell the teacher when he/she calls, or contact the school. Teachers are grateful to know of issues your child struggles within advance. This helps them understand your child quickly, instead of wasting precious months as he/she figures the matter out for themselves. Present the issue neutrally so the teacher does not subconsciously label your child. The teacher is doing an amazing job, teaching your child and trying to make a difference; make sure they are not working in the dark.

8. Help your child fit in during learning

time. It is hard for your child when she does not have her homework done, or he does not have the permission slip filled in. Being different than the class in this way causes anxiety. Check that your child has his/her supplies. Supplies will need replenishing.

Jane D. Hull, Governor of Arizona (1997–2003), Secretary of State of Arizona (1995–1997), famously said: “At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”

Let’s work together, home and school, to make it a stress-free school year!

Mrs. Etti Siegel holds an MS in Teaching and Learning/Educational Leadership and brings sound teaching advice to her audiences culled from her over 35 years of teaching and administrative experience. She is an Adjunct at the College of Mount Saint Vincent/Sara Shenirer. She is a coach and educational consultant for Catapult Learning, is a sought-after mentor and workshop presenter around the country, and a popular presenter for Sayan (a teacher-mentoring program), Hidden Sparks, and the Consortium of Jewish Day Schools. She is a frequent contributor to Hamechanech Magazine and The Journal for Jewish Day School leaders. She will be answering your education-based questions and writing articles weekly for The Jewish Home. Mrs. Siegel can be reached at ettisiegel@gmail.com.