page 3...banal pig 4...retard dad adventure 1 10...incompetent shark i 11...hairy feller 13...feeder & wife 14...incompetent shark ii 15...womany man 16...incompetent shark iii 17...feeder & wife 20...incompetent shark iv 21...“gutter stupidity�
page 28...banal pig 29...feeder & wife 32...incompetent shark v 33...lickle bastard 34...retard dad RIP 36...“no change there then”/ “gone fishin’”/ “still no change” 37...ugly mindreader 39...incompetent shark vi 40...cat dad 42...jolly bear & uncle ken 43...incompetent shark vii 44...fez man in “between a rock and a hard place”
page 52... “go kart krazy” 53...jolly bear and fun coconut 54...fez man 56...incompetent shark viii 57...feeder & wife 58...ugly mindreader 59...lickle bastard 61...the ballad of homeless goose 66... incompetent shark ix 67...irate robot 69... incompetent shark x 70...retard dad- angel of vengeance 73...cat dad 74...uncle ken- the early years 76... incompetent shark xi 77... “stranger danger” 78...le cochon ordinaire
contents page 80...... not santa claus 81.......“something wkd this way comes� 82.........cat dad 88........plain jane/ hairy feller 89.......irate robot 91........uncle ken 92.......feeder and wife 93.......incompetent shark 12 94.......homeless goose 95.......cat dad 96.......fez man 98.....lickle bastard 99......(untitled) cat 101.......jolly bear and the apocolypse
All were tucked up safe and sound Though strange things happened as they slept The dead turned over in the ground The ďŹ shes in the rivers drowned The angels up in heaven wept
And so a deadly shower did rain A curse from God upon the land Smiting all upon the plain Each beast and ďŹ sh and fowl were slain And not a tree was left to stand
A bear did search the ruined town He helped the injured, buried dead He looked around him with a frown Told the maimed to have a sit down Took them in and gave them bread
For the lost they held a requiem And tears stood out on each ones face And then he spoke to each of them He cleared his throat like this ‘ahem’ “God hath passed judgement on this place”
“A New Jerusalem we must find, Within its high and gleaming gates We’ll drink and dance, relax, unwind This cursed land we’ll leave behind Of car parks and of rough estates”
And so they left upon their travels Beneath ill omens in the sky Playing I spy and mini scrabble Look yea as cruel fate doth unravel And curses all but three to die.
First a crowd of frogs a numerous Hopped upon them like a storm The smell of them was unperfumerous They did not ďŹ nd it the least bit humorous This was certainly not the norm.
Next there rose a mighty swarm A million locusts took to the air They stripped them of their grain and corn Then stripped their clothes o like in porn And left their willies and bums all bare.
A shower of hail fell on them next As hard as rock as cold as snow To their loved ones they sent a farewell text Those without credit felt most vexed Why had they chosen pay-as-you-go?
At last an inky blackness crept Across the sky just like a cloak Some gibbered while some others wept It pressed upon them till they slept And when they woke some more had croaked.
At last they came upon the promised utopia They had a good long look at it Until they suered from myopia It was a veritable cornucopia Of everything that was not shit
The moral then I now impart If life deals you a crushing blow And in your proximity fate doth fart Give up, surrender, lose all heart You’ll only make things worse you know.
thanks to gareth brookes for untold story contributions including all the poems, see
www.appallingnonsense.co.uk for more of his work more banal pig at
www.banalpig.com/blog all work copyright steve tillotson 2005-2011 please do not reproduce without permission