mad dogs & co | chart korbjitti

mad dogs & co CHART KORBJITTI

2

mad dogs & co TRANSLATED FROM THE THAI BY MARCEL BARANG

© THAI MODERN CLASSICS Internet eBook edition 2008 | All rights reserved Original Thai edition, Phan Ma Ba, 1988

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

3

lead-up

The sea at that time had turned pitch-black and glossy.

Bulgy monsoon clouds blurred the sky above. Vicious blasts of wind pounced on the beach, relentlessly driving rain and waves to the shore. An army of huge waves, gloomy walls of coiled-up water, crashed thunderously on the seafloor upon reaching the shore. Wave after wave crashed in a ceaseless, caroming cannonade, assaulting the beach and forcing it to recede, but the beach stayed put and refused to yield. Instead, they retreated in a sizzling slush of seawater, leaving behind white foam that smeared the sand with telltale signs of defeat, but still more impetuous waves came rolling in, doomed yet undaunted.

The sun had gone into hiding, as if it didn’t want to know what was raging on below.

There wasn’t a human soul in sight on the wide-open stretch of the beach, which was strewn with driftwood, torn nets, plastic bags, rotten fish and garbage swept up and thrown onto the sand, as if the sea meant to tell the beach it didn’t want any of this rubbish.

Three or four local dogs were foraging for food on the beach, undeterred by the raging downpour. The smallest of them stood gnawing at a dead fish while snarling at the other dogs and soon a war started under the pelting rain.

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

4 Way beyond the beach luxuriant rows of green coconut trees bowed low in terror of the wind. It was as if they were putting their last energies into a fight to survive the monsoon and make it to the next dry season, when they would stand still, merely flicking the tips of their fronds as they played with the breeze.

Amid the shaking coconut trees a little hut nestled in a recess of the hill. It seemed to be trying to keep out of sight, but the wind and the rain were unrelenting. At times, violent gusts made its thatched roof flap.

A small red-earth track ran from the main road to the beach, parting neatly the long rows of coconut trees into two sections. In the hot season, this track was full of tourists of all nationalities, but now the rain was its only custom.

At a junction, down the better part of the track to the beach, was a large lean-to that had been turned into a food shop. Only the kitchen at the back had walls. The thatch of the roof had been covered with nets as protection against the wind. The floor had been built at a slightly higher level than the road. A thick, dark-green awning was stretched across the side of the shop exposed to the rain, and the wind shook and slapped it deafeningly.

A short distance from the food shop was a small gift shop that sold souvenirs to tourists. It was so simple it looked more like an ordinary hut. On the red-earth landing in front of it, an ancient motorcycle stood basking in CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

5 the rain, leaning on one side. Its paintwork was so flaky it was hard to see any trace of the original red.

The souvenir display case was made of a wooden frame around a chessboard with a glass lid. Under the glass covered with raindrops, one could see a few shells gathering dust. It looked like the shop was abandoned.

Above the display case, a small brown board with gold lettering in Roman script read ‘OTTO’.

Outside, the rain kept thrashing down and gave no sign of letting up.

A motor made itself heard over the roar of the rain and wind. A passenger vehicle came chugging along the redearth track. As it drew closer, one could see it was a pickup van whose double row of metallic passenger seats at the back had been replaced with wooden benches to transport more goods and people, and by the same token its bodywork had been dolled up with stripes of garish colours, which said something of the crude tastes of the locals.

The vehicle stopped in front of the gift shop. A man with a backpack jumped out and ran straight to the door of the shop, which was tightly closed.

The pickup revved its engine and moved away, leaving behind a cloud of reeking gray smoke.

‘Otto! Otto!’ the man shouted as he shook the bamboostripped door.

He was drenched from head to foot. His beautiful long hair had been soused. He was dressed in a pair of faded MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

6 jeans and an off-white T-shirt, both dripping as if he had just fallen into a river. He pressed himself against the door to escape from the pelting rain.

‘Otto! Otto!’ His hand, which wore a surfeit of rings as his wrist wore a surfeit of bracelets, banged on the doorjamb. He called out as if he was certain there was someone inside because the key was not in the door.

‘Otto! Otto!’ he yelled into the keyhole.

‘Yeah, yeah, I heard you,’ came out the drowsy groan of someone just woken up. The man stopped banging on the door.

‘Hurry up, I’m cold,’ he shouted.

‘Just a sec. Who is it anyway?’ asked the voice inside.

The man outside knew from the movement of the boards under his feet that the person inside was walking to the door. He didn’t answer the question but stood there with a smile on his face.

The door opened. The man who had opened it stood in his black underwear. ‘Well, if it isn’t that sonofagun Chuan!’ Otto sounded astonished. All signs of drowsiness cleared from his face. ‘When did you arrive?’

‘This morning,’ the man said, stepping inside.

Otto moved aside to let him through. ‘You came alone?’ he asked, looking at his friend’s face.

‘With lots of others,’ the friend said casually.

Otto went to have a look outside. The rain struck his face but he wiped his eyes and looked from side to side.

‘Where did ’m mothers go?’ he asked his visitor, screwCHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

7 ing up his face. He was thinking that they were playing a joke on him. His friends were always up to weird pranks.

‘How would I know? When we got off the coach, everyone went their own way,’ Chuan answered with a smile.

‘Where’d they go?’

‘Who?’ ‘Oh, come off it. The people you came with. Who are they?’ Otto looked at his friend in a ‘What the hell are you up to?’ way.

‘How could I ask for names? There was a full busload of them. When we arrived, everyone split.’ Chuan laughed heartily. Otto laughed a little too. He closed the door and bolted it. ‘You bastard,’ he swore.

Chuan leaned his backpack against a large table set against the wall. Otto did his work on this table and it bore a mess of things – thermos flask, bottle of water, flashlight, pot of glue, leather off-cuts, bottles of liquid plastic for joins, spools of thread, patterns for bags, chopping block, cutter, and an ashtray placed next to a packet of cigarettes.

The boards were thick with dust and trails of footprints as if they hadn’t been swept or cleaned for months. There was nothing to sell inside the shop. The clothesline was empty too. The bamboo-plaited walls, once used to display gifts, now displayed cobwebs.

‘Your shop’s gone bust, right?’ the visitor asked after he took the place in.

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

8 ‘You and your mouth. You’ve just arrived and you’re already busy badmouthing,’ Otto said with a smile.

‘There’s no one around this time o’ year, man. I packed the stuff away and stopped selling more than two weeks ago. You’re lucky you came today. A few more days and you wouldn’t ’ve found me.’

‘Why? Where’re you off to?’ Chuan asked as he opened his backpack and foraged inside.

‘I was going to go and see you in Bangkok.’ Otto laughed.

‘It was raining hard in town too,’ said Chuan to change the subject. He pulled out a towel and started to dry his hair. ‘I don’t get it. It really rained like hell in town, but why are the eaves of the buildings so goddamn short? You can’t shelter from the rain under them.

If I were the governor, I’d put a roof over the whole town.’ He hung the towel on the clothesline.

‘It’s pissing down almost every fucking day this time o’ year. What’s the time?’

‘Around eleven I guess,’ Chuan said, pulling off his Tshirt.

‘Had anything yet?’

‘If you mean food, yes, I’ve eaten.’ Chuan kicked off his thongs and pealed off his jeans. ‘Wash your face, and let’s have a morning drink together,’ he said with a smile as he hung his jeans on the clothesline.

‘Wash! What the hell for? I’ll just put on some pants and we can go.’ Otto turned and walked into his bedroom at the back of the shop.

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

9 ‘You don’t have to, you know. You can go like you are,’ Chuan shouted behind his back.

‘Yeah? You think I wouldn’t?’ Otto shouted back.

Chuan smiled but didn’t answer. He pulled blue-green Chinese-style trousers and a white T-shirt out of his backpack, then took off his white underwear, hung them near his jeans on the line, and put on the fresh trousers and T-shirt.

To say that a diminutive can tell something about someone’s character isn’t often true, but when it comes to a nickname, there is no way for the owner to ignore it.

‘Chua’ means ‘evil’. The man’s name was Chuan (‘invite’, ‘induce’). He got ‘Chua’ as a suffix because when he drank to the point that he felt he no longer feared anyone, he ransacked the shelves of Buddha images in his friends’ houses. So his friends gave him the nickname of ‘Chuanchua’ (‘the evil-inducer’), and whenever someone asked ‘Which Chuan?’ if the answer was ‘Chuanchua’ they knew who they were talking about.

Although he had stopped behaving badly, the nickname had stuck with him.

Otto came out of the room. He wore red-and-green shorts and a T-shirt that had once been white. Printed on it was a picture of a red sun, with a row of black coconut trees inside the sun, and the words in English ‘PHUKET – THAILAND’ printed below it.

‘Aren’t they rocking? Feast your eyes.’ Otto pulled on the hems of his shorts to spread them out.

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

10 ‘Rocking indeed.’

‘Know what? Them mothers’re killing me.’ Otto laughed.

‘Who?’ ‘Them shorts. Fuck, man: I had a dozen of ’m made. At first, a farang∗ gave me a pair and asked me to make him some. I thought they were nice, so I had the shop make me a dozen. Reckoned I’d make a killing. But damn it! I haven’t sold a single pair, so I’ve got to wear ’m myself.’

He had this funny way of talking, as if he didn’t really care about anything. ‘How ’bout putting a pair on?

You’ll be doing me a favour.’

‘No – the colours scare me.’ Chuanchua shook his head in mock fear, although he was fascinated.

‘Met Khanun took some. He looked real funky in ’m, man, I’m telling you.’ Otto was still trying.

Chuanchua thought of Met Khanun, who was short and round and dark, and imagined him wearing garish red-and-green shorts. Quite a state, definitely.

‘Are we going then?’ Chuanchua asked.

The rain was still pouring down and gave no sign of stopping. It sizzled on the roof in waves under mighty gusts of wind. Yet the two men remained undeterred.

Chuanchua opened the door. The rain flushed in, and both of them bolted out. Otto locked the door then ran along the path through a curtain of water.

∗

A white foreigner

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

11

1. booze babble

The morning binge for both men began at the food shop next door. They were the only customers. They chose a table looking out onto the veranda in the open shop front. From there, they could see the downpour from the eaves and the white haze of the rain beyond.

With the first glass, they began to tell each other how they were getting on, taking turns to ask and taking turns to answer. Each took a gulp or two until it became a glass or two. There was nothing to measure the progress of their drinking but their own sense of well-being.

‘When are you going back?’ Otto asked his friend as he blew out smoke.

‘When my work’s over, I guess.’ Chuanchua prized off a chunk of fried fish with his fork.

‘Then keep the key of the shop with you.’

‘Why?’ He looked up and stared at Otto.

‘I’ll go back to Bangkok in a day or two. I’ve got nothing to do here. It’s a fucking drag. There’s hardly a farang around any more, so I’ve got no one to sell to. If I stay here, I’m afraid I’ll end up with sweet fuck all.’ Otto smiled at his friend, raised his glass and watered his inner self.

‘Why don’t you stay here and keep me company? Stay until we’re both left with sweet fuck all.’ Chuanchua laughed at his own offer.

Otto stopped to think for a while, but he didn’t say MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

12 yes. He was thinking of what fun it would be if he stayed to keep Chuanchua company. ‘Did you stop by to see Samlee on the way here?’ he asked.

‘Yes. He said he’d come over after work.’

‘Don’t believe that bum. He’ll be here right after noon.

He won’t be able to stand it, trust me.’ Otto sounded confident. ‘He stops work at ten. If he can wait till his work’s over, then you may kick my ass.’

‘At ten?’ Chuanchua repeated the words as if he didn’t believe what he heard. ‘What time does he start, then?’

‘Nine in the morning.’

‘What kind of a fucking work is that? Thirteen hours a day!’ Chuanchua poured himself another glass.

‘Yeah, but it’s a cool job. He stays in an air-conditioned room all day long, watching and taping videos. I used to go and hang out in his shop to watch blue movies. Cool.

No sweat really. The only sore point is, the bugger has little time left for boozing.’ His voice sounded full of sympathy. ‘When his work’s over, the silly fool just gets pissed. Think about it: he stops work at ten, and as soon as he’s out, he has to drink quickly because there’s so little fucking time and he’s afraid he won’t get drunk. By the time he’s plastered, it’s two or three in the morn’ so he goes back home to sleep. He wakes up early to go to work. So, the idiot has a hangover all day because he sleeps so little. If he had to dig trenches under the sun for a living, he’d be dead by now!’ Otto stressed the word ‘dead.’ It sounded horrifying.

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

13 ‘Why? What’s he so worried about that he boozes so much?’

‘Worried my ass! Guys like us ’ve got nothing to worry about. He used to tank up regular in the old days, but now he’s better because he listens to his doctor.’

‘His doctor warned him off, did he?’

‘Yeah. In the past, he had so many accidents riding pissed even his damn motorcycle got fed up with him.

Have you seen his face lately? It’s full of scars. His moustache is like a retired john brush. He used to have this handsome handlebar of a moustache, all black, but now it’s as scruffy as the hair of a mangy mutt. Every time he’d go to the clinic, the doctor would ask, ‘Back again?’’ Otto laughed.

‘And what did the doctor warn him about?’

‘The doctor gave him a choice. Give up drinking or if he couldn’t do that, give up riding his motorcycle. One or the other – so he gave up riding his bike.’ Otto smiled.

Chuanchua laughed.

‘You’ve come off your bike too, haven’t you?’ Chuanchua said, smiling.

‘For fuck’s sake! Once in a while. I’m just an amateur tumbler, you know, not a pro.’ Otto laughed. ‘How did you know?’

‘I know – that’s all.’ Chuanchua smiled knowingly.

‘Who the hell told you?’ He looked at his friend’s face, waiting for an answer.

‘Lit’l Hip told me.’ Chuanchua smiled conspiratorially.

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

14 ‘What’s he doing now?’

‘He’s gone back home to Chainart.’ Chuanchua took the tongs and picked up ice cubes, filling his glass to the last chunk. He lifted the ice bucket and called the waiter over.

‘What the hell for? Such a prick! What’s he going to do for a living there?’

‘He had to go back to take care of his parents. His pa isn’t well.’

‘What’s the matter with him?’

‘He’s allergic to pork.’ Chuanchua laughed. ‘It’s true, you know!’

‘Allergic to pork! Never heard that one before,’ Otto said with a smile.

‘His pa used to eat pork a lot, boiled pig’s leg, you know, fat and all. The doctor said he had a build-up of fat in his arteries that left him partly paralyzed. Lit’l Hip told me his pa ate pork at every meal. Even had it cooked at home.

He’s grown pale now. The doctor ordered him to give it up,’ Chuanchua said, warming to his story.

‘Did he take him to the Krabork cave∗ to kick the habit?’ Otto asked.

‘Sure, but he hasn’t fully recovered yet. Lit’l Hip told me his pa still cooked pork and offered it to the monks everyday. I think he’s planning to eat pork again in his next life.’ He received a bucket of ice from the waiter and mixed himself another drink. ∗

A well-known detoxification camp for drug addicts, run by monks

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

15 ‘I bet that before he offers it to the monks, he sniffs it.’

Otto laughed. ‘Father addicted to pork; son addicted to grass.’ Otto laughed out loud at his own choice of words.

Chuanchua, too, shook with laughter as he stirred the whisky and soda in his glass with the tongs. He said, ‘Maybe it’s difficult for him to find grass at home.’

‘Come on. Thailand and marijuana – you can get it everywhere. An expert like Lit’l Hip can always score.

When the guy stayed here, he tried everything, even paper.’

‘What paper?’ Chuanchua put the glass down after taking a sip.

‘Acid, you know. A farang gave him some. Piece of paper this size.’

Otto put his thumb under the tip of his little finger to demonstrate. ‘He was spaced out all day.’

‘Have you ever tried it?’

‘Sure, why not?’ He flicked the ash from his cigarette outside the shop.

‘What’s it like?’

‘Not bad at all. It sharpens the colours. Like when you look at the tree over there.’ He pointed at a tree outside the shop. ‘You get a darker green than what you see now, then you feel fucking cold. I tried it with Lit’l Hip. We walked along the beach, but we needed to wrap ourselves in blankets. We must have looked real crazy!

We couldn’t eat anything for most of the day.’

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

16 ‘Why not?’

‘We went into a food shop and sat down but we didn’t dare order anything. We just kept laughing. We saw the shop owner’s face, and everything else for that matter, distorted, stretching and then shrinking like in a cartoon.

The people there were staring at us as well, so we had to walk out.’ Otto laughed as he told the story.

‘Find me some so I can try.’

‘I don’t know if it’s available right now. But I think it’s nothing compared to the high you get out of toadstools.

There’s plenty of ’m this time o’ year. You should try ’m.

They’re great.’ He laughed. ‘Talking of being stoned on toadstool makes me think of Larn.’

‘Why?’ Chuanchua asked. Instinct told him this must be a juicy story.

‘The idiot likes to walk around naked when he’s stoned.’

‘In the day or at night?’

‘Shit, at night anyone can do it. You don’t need to be stoned. He did it in broad daylight. In front of Lueang’s shop, with lotsa people around.’ He lifted his glass and drank.

‘How do you eat the toadstools? Boil them?’

‘You cook ’m in an omelette. Delicious. With a dash of chilli sauce, it’s out of this world, man, especially if you keep drinking as you eat. Actually, I don’t know what gets you first, the booze or the mushrooms.’ Otto laughed.

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

17 ‘So what happened to Larn?’

‘He totally flipped out. Well, you know how he is, always afraid of not getting drunk. You must’ve noticed: when there’s only a little liquor left, he gulps it down as fast he can. He’s afraid of not getting drunk. But toadstools, it takes time before they take effect. The first few mouthfuls nothing happens, right? So the bugger starts complaining, ‘I ain’t high yet. I ain’t high yet.’ And he goes on wolfing them down, and before long, the toadstools begin to work.’ Otto laughed. ‘He – he sat still for a bit, twitching and muttering. Then he said he couldn’t sit still any longer, he was going to take a dip. I told him, ‘Sure, no need to tell me. You do what you have to.’ I had just finished saying this when the twit starts taking his clothes off in the shop. I told him off. Fuck, man, I’d never thought it’d turn out that way. But he wouldn’t listen, just went on undressing. Imagine – the shop packed with people, all those farang in there. That damn Samlee kept saying, ‘Let it be! Let it be! Let him do what he wants to do.’ Everybody was staring now, but there he was taking his clothes off, not a bit embarrassed, and when he had shed all his gear, he walked out lean and mean with the whole bunch after him. Luckily enough, he had kept his glasses on, otherwise he’d’ve been totally naked!’ Otto laughed, and so did Chuanchua. ‘He didn’t quite make it to the sea. He walked from just about here to the middle of the road over there, and then he lay down on the sand and started to swim like a MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

18 child. His fucking hands sent sand flying as he swam breaststroke across the dune. Everyone was looking. He carried on for hours until he grew tired and fell asleep.

Lueang then covered him with a blanket. I don’t know if he was afraid Larn would get sick or if he was afraid the farang wouldn’t come to his shop.’

Chuanchua laughed until he choked on his cigarette.

After he stopped coughing, he said, ‘Larn told me you don’t like his wife.’

‘That’s right. His wife’s fucking cracked, man.’ Otto laughed. ‘When he went to stay at his wife’s place, none of us wanted to have anything to do with him. We hate her. She’s fucking nuts. His mother-in-law didn’t want him to hang out with us either. Whenever we went to see him, they always told us he wasn’t in. And Larn’s fucking crazy too. I don’t know how the hell he could stand living with ’m. The goddamn house was like a jail.’ There was anger in his voice. ‘The sonofabitch’s crazy about his wife.’

‘Is she so good-looking that he’s under her spell, or something?’

‘Good-looking my ass! I wouldn’t take her even if I got her on a plate. You know what? I went to see him once when he was still here, in Phuket. Wherever I went in the house, his fucking wife kept following me with a broom in her hand and she kept sweeping up after me. I don’t know what she wanted to keep the place so clean for. So I never went to see him again, I’d’ve gone mad if I had.’

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

19 ‘Where did he meet her?’ Chuanchua asked.

‘In a temple.’ Otto lit a cigarette, his face now sombre.

‘No!’ Chuanchua looked Otto in the eye as if to see if he was joking.

‘Yes. I was with him that evening.’

‘You mean they did it in the temple?’ Chuanchua asked.

‘No – his wife was a nun,’ Otto recalled with alacrity.

‘What’s the story? Come on, tell me.’

Otto lifted his glass, drank, put the glass down and drew on his cigarette. He blew smoke out of his nostrils as he started telling the story.

‘The woman was broken-hearted and tried to kill herself. She swallowed some fucking pills but she didn’t die, so she became a nun. Well, she happened to be a friend of Samlee’s girlfriend. At the time, Samlee and Larn were running a T-shirt printing shop together. One day, Samlee was invited by his girlfriend to visit a friend of hers who was a nun in a monastery. Samlee asked Larn to go along as well. They were both drunk, of course. Well, when Larn was told all about her, he felt for the woman. You know as well as I do that the sonofabitch had never had a girlfriend, what with being drunk all the time. As soon as he saw her, he fell in love with her. The woman was broken-hearted, so he felt for her all the more, wanting to heal her wound and all that.’ Otto laughed. Chuanchua smiled as he sipped his drink. ‘He asked me to go and see her with him, but I MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

20 refused. It was none of my business, and going into a monastery isn’t my idea of fun. The bastard plied me with drinks, and when we were drunk, of course I couldn’t say no. So we went, riding this bike, Toby here.’

Otto pointed at the motorcycle parked in front of the shop. ‘When we got there, he went up to see the woman in her cell, and left me downstairs. I sat there on my own and at some point I fell asleep. By the time I woke up, it was fucking dark already. I went upstairs to tell him it was time to go. But the motherfucker was asleep as well.

He wasn’t just asleep: he was holding the nun’s hand in his, actually, and snoring too. Anyway, I woke him up and told him we had to go. Later, the woman left the nunhood and lived with him. And the monastery won’t allow men to visit the nuns anymore, all because of our goddamn Larn.’

Chuanchua burst out laughing. His laughter competed with the rain.

Otto interrupted himself briefly in order to raise his glass and drink. ‘That bastard Samlee pulled Larn’s leg.

He said he shouldn’t let the authorities know about what happened, because if they found out about it, they wouldn’t allow him and his wife to stay together, and he’d be sued for subverting religion and risk the death penalty.’

‘And what did the woman do?’

‘Nothing. After she left the monastery, she stayed at the shop until she ran into problems with Samlee. Well, CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

21 actually, she was the problem. Every time we had a drinking session, she walked round us making a nuisance of herself. The goddamn woman sure got on our nerves, but what could we do? She’s the wife of a friend, after all. Eventually, Samlee got so pissed off he decided to close down the shop. So Larn went to stay at his wife’s place and busied himself designing patterns and locking horns with his mother-in-law,’ Otto concluded in a bored tone.

‘He’s back in Bangkok now. I guess his mother-in-law hasn’t followed him there.’ Chuanchua smiled. He had spoken half in earnest and half in jest.

‘Yeah, that’s his reward for getting himself out of jail.’

‘Was it as bad as that?’ Chuanchua said in mock disbelief.

‘Hell, you’ve no idea, man. The old bitch was worse than a witch. She wouldn’t let Larn enjoy himself with us at all, you know. She said we were good for fucking nothing except getting her son-in-law drunk.’

‘Maybe she was stuck on her new son-in-law?’

‘Stuck my ass! She just wanted him to give up drinking.

But then do you think a guy like our friend Larn can fucking well stop drinking?’ Otto looked at his friend.

Chuanchua merely nodded. ‘So what did he do?’

The question was hardly finished when Otto added, ‘He kept drinking on the sly, in the house. Every time he left the house, he’d take along a roll of drawing paper, and on the way back he’d hide the bottle in it. If he just MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

22 went out to buy noodles, he still had to take that roll of paper along. Think about how much hassle he had to go through!’ Otto laughed.

‘That was his retribution for trying to undermine religion,’ Chuanchua said with a smile.

‘He stopped coming out drinking when he was with his wife. Nobody had the guts to invite him. It wasn’t until Italy Tui arrived that his mother-in-law let him out.’

Chuanchua believed what his friend was telling him and that Italy Tui would free Larn from the clutches of any demon and he wondered which magic spell Tui had used. ‘How did he manage to free Larn?’

‘He was just back from Italy. After a few days in Bangkok, he came here, so we all celebrated. He asked about Larn, and we told him the whole story. He asked someone to point out where Larn’s house was, saying he was going to take Larn out by himself. I took him over there on my bike, while Samlee’s gang sat drinking at the shop, waiting for us. That damn Tui had asked the shop owner to bring one more glass and plate, because a friend was about to join us. When we arrived there, Larn’s mother-in-law was sitting downstairs. Tui went up to her and told her real nice he had come to see Larn. She said, “He isn’t here.” Tui said, “If he’s not here now, I’ll sit and wait for him.” But then she said, “You can’t wait for him here. I don’t know who you are.” Tui flew into a rage, and said, “Do you know General Karn? I’m his son.”’

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

23 ‘Which Karn?’ Chuanchua asked.

‘How would I know? When I heard him say he was General Karn’s son, I thought, that’s the ticket, we’re in for something big. ’ Otto chuckled.

‘And then what?’ Chuanchua raised his glass and took a sip.

‘Right then, Larn was coming down the stairs. So Tui gave her hell. The fucker told her, “You said he wasn’t here. How come? Why do you have to lie at your age?”

Larn’s in-law got mad too. She was losing face, what with a friend of her son-in-law berating her like that. So, she demanded that Tui leave her home. Tui said, “I’ll go, but I’ll take my friend with me.” She refused point-blank, so Tui said, “I’ve travelled more than a thousand miles across the seas just to see my friend, and I can’t even take him out for a drink! Who are you to stop me?” He kept on shouting at her until the neighbours came out to see what the matter was. It was turning into a big scene all right. Now that there were a large number of onlookers, the fucker wasn’t going to back down. He explained to the crowd, “This woman keeps my friend under lock and key. I came from afar, but she refuses to let us see each other. My friend isn’t a pet or a slave she can keep in a cage.” You know Tui: he’s never been shy. So he went on until Larn’s mother-in-law couldn’t stand the embarrassment any longer and finally let Larn go. Before we left, that damn Tui pointed the finger at her, and the fucker said, “You bitch! You don’t know me well enough yet.”’

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

24 Otto smiled. Chuanchua laughed in delight. He wasn’t at all surprised that Italy Tui had dared point the finger at a woman old enough to be his mother and curse her: he had witnessed a similar scene at least once in the past.

Age was no big deal if Tui was hell bent on being rude.

‘Tui’s always had this thing about old people. Once, when we were students, we, I mean Met Khanun, Samlee, Tui and me, we were sitting having a drink together and this old woman comes along selling hor mok∗ and Tui asks her, “What’s that you’re selling, little sister?”’

‘The motherfucker! What a shitty thing to say!’ Otto laughed.

‘Do you know why he came back to Thailand?’

‘He never told me, actually. Why?’ Otto was curious to know. When they had met that day, they hadn’t had enough time to catch up on each other and by the time he was sober again, he had been told Tui had already left for Bangkok.

‘He’s going to have a bleeding stomach ulcer, from drinking so much, what else. When he’s home, he downs whatever he can get his hands on. So imagine what it must be like when he’s abroad. Met Khanun made a fool of him, you know.’

‘What did he say?’

‘He told him he was completely ruining the image of people travelling to Italy.’

‘Why? I don’t see the connection.’ ∗

Minced fish or seafood steamed in a banana leaf

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

25 ‘How come? He’s been in Italy for six years and he hasn’t learned a thing about art. After six years, there’s only two things he’s come back with.’ Chuanchua raised his glass and drank.

‘What’s that?’ Otto asked with a smile. He knew by the way his friend was telling the story that these two things Tui had come back with were not going to be edifying.

‘For one thing, the fucker peels potatoes by pushing the knife toward him. We Thai push the knife away from us, right? But Tui pushes it toward him. The other thing is, he knows how to empty ashtrays, and he enjoys doing it. I’ve noticed when I drink with him, as soon as there’s a few stubs in the ashtray, he gets up and empties it. It’s become a habit.’

‘That’s because he’s gotten used to being a waiter,’ Otto interrupted, then laughed.

‘Right, that’s what Met Khanun said to pull his leg.’

Chuanchua also laughed.

Outside, the rain was falling as hard as ever, but neither of them paid any attention to it. They had a roof over their heads and liquor to drink: why should they worry? In fact, the torrential rainfall made them feel pleasantly cool and added atmosphere to their drinking binge.

‘Do you know the story of Tui finding a gift in a package?’ Chuanchua asked as he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray.

‘No, I don’t. Where’d he find it?’

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

26 ‘It happened during his trip to Italy. He went there by bicycle, can you believe. He was with a friend. They went through Burma all the way to Pakistan. At the time, the two of them were dog-tired but they kept going. He told me that, at one point on the empty road, with no house around, he saw this gift-wrapped package that had fallen by the roadside. He stared at his friend. His friend said nothing. So they rode on. And then, a while later, they fucking turned back almost at the same time. They rode to the box, picked it up and rode far away for fear the owner would follow them and ask for it back. When they were sure no one had followed them, they stopped by the roadside and unwrapped the package. The fucker said there were wrappings within wrappings, so they thought there must be something very valuable inside. And when they came to the final wrapping, you know what they found? A fucking turd, man! The bastard said, ‘Fuck it! I was mad as hell but it cracked me up. There we were starving to death and all we got was shit!’’

Otto burst out laughing. Chuanchua smiled. He didn’t find the story very funny any longer because he had told and retold it many times.

Chuanchua raised the quart of whisky and reckoned from experience that what was left at the bottom would just be enough for one more glass each. He poured whisky into his glass, then the rest of it into Otto’s. Otto filled the glasses with chunks of ice and Chuanchua CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

27 topped them up with soda. They both raised their glasses to their lips almost simultaneously.

‘Same again?’ Chuanchua said after drinking. It was an invitation that called for no answer. Otto laughed softly.

‘One more quart, please.’ Chuanchua turned to the shopkeeper, who sat staring vacantly at the rain. The man got up and went to get a bottle from behind the counter, then walked over and handed it to him. ‘It’s nice and quiet when it rains nonstop like this,’ he said casually.

‘How ’bout a drink with us?’ Otto handed him a glass.

‘No, thanks. Don’t mind me. Suit yourselves.’

‘Uncle, bring us soda and ice as well,’ Chuanchua said, speaking just loud enough for the shopkeeper to hear.

The shopkeeper gathered the empty bottles and the ice bucket and walked back. Chuanchua’s gaze followed him. He seemed to remember seeing someone like this somewhere before. It wasn’t until the shopkeeper arrived at the counter that he came up with the answer.

‘He looks like Uncle John,’ Chuanchua blurted out.

Otto held back from drinking. ‘Which John?’

‘John from Nai Harn.’

‘Oh yeah—’ Otto drawled and resumed his drinking.

‘He’s been arrested,’ he added levelly, sounding indifferent.

‘What! What for?’ Chuanchua asked anxiously.

‘Drug trafficking. A major case, you know. Just recently.

It was all over the papers. Everybody in Phuket knows.’

‘It can’t be.’ Chuanchua shook his head as if he MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

28 couldn’t believe his ears. ‘How can it be – a man like Uncle John arrested for drug trafficking? The guy wouldn’t even sell marijuana, so how can he get busted for trafficking? If it was over a murder charge, well, perhaps, but drug trafficking—’ The shopkeeper brought the soda and the ice to their table, then walked quietly back to his seat.

‘What an incredible story!’ Chuanchua said almost to himself.

‘Why? I don’t think it’s strange. There’s lotsa people selling drugs.’

‘But it’s incredible. A man like him wouldn’t sell drugs.’ Chuanchua raised his glass and took a long gulp.

‘Why not?’ Otto too raised his glass and drank.

‘I liked the guy as soon as I met him. That was about ten years ago. I came here with Lit’l Hip. We were students at the time and we went to visit Samlee at his place. Samlee took us for a drink at Nai Harn. We went to Uncle John’s shop. In those days, the fucking farang still slept in hollows.’

‘What’s that? I’ve never seen any.’ Otto’s expression was quizzical.

‘Hollows in the ground, like long, round trenches. People could lie in them. Uncle John dug them next to his shop, put a thatched roof over each. You had to slither inside to lie down and sleep. The farang all had sleeping bags, so they slept in them for ten baht a night, dirt cheap it was, and they kept their gear in Uncle John’s shop.’

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

29 ‘But it’s all bungalows now. ’ ‘Right. But it used to be a large lean-to, like some kind of inn, you know. In the evening, the farang came to have dinner. There was a long table in the middle of the shop with a lantern above it and a few small tables around it, each lit with tin lamps. The farang played games or what-have-you on the long table in the middle and had a good time, and the small tables were for personal chitchat, giving you some privacy. Samlee, Lek and me, we sat at a table in a corner, and we felt like we were abroad. Ours was the only table of Thai guys in the shop. So Uncle John came over to sit and chat with us. I guess he felt lonely. It wasn’t often he had Thai customers. So I invited him to share a drink with us. He said, ‘Don’t ask me to drink. Whenever I drink, I don’t even have five percent goodness left in me.’’

‘Sounds just like you!’ Otto joked.

‘Get lost! Do you want me to go on or not?’ Chuanchua said with a smile.

‘Sure, sure.’

‘Er—’ Chuanchua lit a cigarette, making a deliberate pause. ‘That bugger Lek doesn’t drink, as you know. But at Uncle John’s shop, there was plenty of grass to be had, so he was in heaven. There was a hooker at the shop, probably a has-been from Sattahip – worn down like a corpse she was. Before the dinner was served, she walked from table to table, handing out grass. Just imagine it – she walked around holding out a pipe and a chopping MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

30 block with a whole fucking mound of blended grass on it.

You wanted to smoke, so you smoked. No limit. And it was okay to say no. Uncle John’s wife said, ‘Better sell it.

It’s such a waste to give it away.’ Uncle John replied, ‘You crazy woman, always thinking of money! It’s a simple pleasure, nothing much, so let ’m have it for free. I’d feel bad begrudging ’m a little happiness by putting a price on it.’ He really said that, I remember it well, and I’ve always admired him for it. He shouldn’t have got himself arrested for selling drugs – maybe money has changed him.’

Chuanchua’s voice trailed off.

Otto took the tongs, plopped some ice into his glass, reached for the new quart to prize it open. The screw top gave way with a click, music to the ear. He poured liquor on the rocks and topped up with soda.

‘He used to be a cop, so they’d have it in for him,’ Chuanchua said.

‘I heard he was sacked,’ Otto said after he put his glass down.

‘Yeah. He told me about it. He had a tiff with some other cop. When I was at his shop, he had a fight with a farang. That guy was huge, a fucking elephant, man, his head all shaven, with one earring. The bastard grabbed Uncle John’s wife in the butt, maybe just to tease her, who knows. He saw what happened but just walked into the kitchen, just like it was nothing, you know. But when he came back, man, he was holding a goddamn clever. He went up to the guy, still saying nothing, and swung at his CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

31 shaven head. There was blood all over the place. We had to stop him, or else he’d have fucking well killed him.’

Chuanchua raised his glass, drank, and drew on his cigarette. ‘In those days, it was fun being out. There were few people, and they were all dodgy, know what I mean?

We stayed at his shop for several days, just eating and tanking up all the time. Think about it – the sea was right there, but we couldn’t be bothered. We were afraid it’d sober us up.’ Chuanchua smiled in recollection. ‘Oh yeah: the woman who stayed with him there was great. Real fucking great! With farang, she was damn coarse and rude to them. Once, some farang ordered a fruit salad.

She mixed bits of orange, papaya, watermelon, pineapple and banana together and poured condensed milk on top.

When she took the dish to their table, she told them in Thai, “Here, you bastards! Swill this up! I wonder how you can stuff yourselves with this mess. Makes me want to puke!” Then she laughed. The way she talked, we had to laugh too. The farang hadn’t a clue what she’d said but, seeing us laugh, they joined in! But when she was with us, mind you, she was friendly and talked nice. Whenever she was free, she’d come over and talk with us about all kinds of things. I don’t know if she’s still there now. Since I saw them monks on that beach, I’ve never gone there again.’ Chuanchua chuckled. He could still recall the young monks mincing up and down the beach to get a good look at the stripped-down farang sunbathing there.

‘She’s dead,’ Otto said levelly.

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

32 ‘Who?’ ‘The woman you’re talking about.’ Otto’s voice was as level as before.

‘What did she die of?’ The smile left his face.

‘One shot too many. She died shortly before Uncle John was arrested, because of the snow he peddled, that’s why she died.’ Otto sounded indignant. He stressed the word ‘snow.’ ‘She died like a dog, with no relatives. Nobody knew where she was from, nobody even knew her real name.’

‘Uh, I’ve forgotten her name too,’ Chuanchua blurted out.

‘I don’t know it either. Never did. I heard people calling her Maeo. I wonder if her relatives know she’s dead by now.’ There was sadness in Otto’s voice. He was no longer staring at his friend but gazed absently at the rain outside.

The rain abated. The wind turned mellow and mild. A curtain of rain beads still shimmered from the thatched eaves. At times, a gust frayed it in jest and it shivered. The rattle of waves on the beach drifted in at intervals. The sky was greyish white and pregnant with rain, the sun still hidden from sight.

Silence fell on the table and took over.

In the glasses, soda bubbles shot up from the bottom and past the chunks of ice to the surface, where they fizzed mischievously in the ring of clear thin glass, which was wrapped in a gentle smear of sweating condensed vapour.

Both were silent as if they had run out of things to say CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

33 and let silence hold. Silence had no inkling of what the two of them were thinking about and merely knew that when they stopped talking, it had to take over.

Chuanchua raised his glass, drank and unwittingly drove silence away when he asked loudly, as if in warning to his friend: ‘Aren’t you having anything?’

‘Well, I’m drinking, aren’t I?’ His right hand held his glass.

‘I mean food. You haven’t had any breakfast so far as I can see, apart from those bits of fish.’

‘I don’t really eat in the morning.’

‘Morning my ass. Must be afternoon by now,’ Chuanchua guessed, reckoning on the time it took to go through a bottle.

‘I’m not hungry. Are you?’

‘No. Just asking, seeing how you haven’t eaten anything yet. How about something hot to clear our throats?’

‘Have some hot water, you fucker, how’s that?’ Otto laughed.

‘Sure, why not? If that’s what you want, I’ll order it for you,’ Chuanchua said with a deadpan smile.

Otto didn’t pursue the matter. ‘Let’s have some tom yam kung∗,’ he said, then turned to place his order with the waiter. Before he turned back, he shouted at the shopkeeper, ‘What time is it, uncle?’

The shopkeeper raised his wrist and looked at his watch. ‘Ten to one.’ ∗

Spicy lemongrass soup with shrimp

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

34 ‘I feel as if it’s still morning,’ Otto said disbelievingly to Chuanchua.

‘It’s because you’ve just woken up. When I arrived, it was already past eleven.’

‘Oh yes. I forgot.’

‘Did you go to bed late last night?’

‘No. Sometime after ten, I think – I had nothing to do after dinner.’

‘Well then, how come you got up so late? I reckon you must have been up to something in the middle of the night.’ Chuanchua smiled. There was wickedness hidden in his smile.

‘Up to what, for fuck’s sake?’ Otto laughed, aware of what his friend was driving at.

‘How could you sleep in? If it were me, I’d’ve gotten up early in the morning.’

‘What the hell for? I’ve got nothing to do. Waking up early makes me hungry. Besides, it was raining, and it’s fucking great to just doze when it rains. When I lived in Chumphon, I slept for days on end, do you know that?’

Otto drank, then lit a cigarette.

‘That so?’ Chuanchua said incredulously.

‘Sure is, you bastard. Why should I lie to you? It was a bet, not just the ordinary stuff.’

Chuanchua laughed. He had never thought you could gamble on sleep.

‘At the time, I was staying in a plantation with four or five friends of mine. We spent the whole day doing CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO

35 nothing but eating and sleeping. Later on, we didn’t know what to play to pass the time of day. One of my friends – that bugger was a bear in winter. So, I challenged him to a sleep-in contest.’ Otto smiled as he told the story. ‘It was a real contest, with rules. We weren’t allowed to get up, except to eat, shower, shit or pee. You had to be lying down all the time. No matter whether you slept or stayed awake, you had to be lying, in whatever position you felt like – on your side, on your back, anything. It was up to you. There was plenty of food. The other guys were waiting on us. They even split into groups to cheer us on. I don’t know what came over them, really.’ He burst out laughing as he remembered what had happened then.

‘So who lost?’

‘I did. For fuck’s sake, I couldn’t keep up with him! I slept for two entire days, you know. At first, I enjoyed it, but later on, I felt so damn fucking bored, I was dizzy, my body ached all over. I just couldn’t bear it any more, so I got up and admitted defeat.’ Otto laughed.

‘What was in it for the winner?’ Chuanchua asked, curious about the bet.

‘The winner?’ Otto stressed the word. ‘What did he get? He got dizzier than I did, that’s about it.’ They laughed loudly.

When the laughter died down, Chuanchua asked, ‘Why did you go to Chumphon?’ – not knowing that the question was as sharp as a knife and that it cut his friend to the quick. Had he known, he’d never have asked.

MAD DOGS & CO | CHART KORBJITTI

36 Cheerfulness drained out of Otto’s face. He answered carefully to cover up his inner feelings: ‘I went to ground there.’

Otto wanted to forget some past events. He had always tried to wipe them from his memory, but his memory of them was like a corpse that wouldn’t lie still...

Current English and Thai covers | First Thai cover| The author then

CHART KORBJITTI | MAD DOGS & CO