Lessons in leadership at Hillel p. 5 March 2014 Adar I/Adar II 5774 Vol. 18, No. 7
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Survey: 42% of Jews agree good sense of humor essential to being Jewish But 110% can’t agr (#1) The dream. Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed this so worrying that I immediately awoke she had your face. I found and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?” The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?” then said, “One slice of toast (#2) The beggars. Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, holding the Star of David but drop moneythey lift their noses at the guy one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat in the other guy’s hat. Soon A priest watches and then approaches theis empty. men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, “Don’t you realize country? You’ll never get any contributions that this is a Christian in this country holding a Star of David.” The guy holding the Star of David then turns Cross and says, “Hymie, look who’s trying to the guy holding the to teach us Marketing.” (#4) Gourmet food. Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, “Can I help you, “Yes,” replied Harry, “I would like to buySir?” a pound of lox.” “No. No,” responded the dignified salesperson, “You mean smoked salmon.” “OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then.” “Anything else?” “Yes, a dozen blintzes.” “No. No. You mean crepes.” “Okay, a dozen crepes.” “Anything else?” “Yes. A pound of chopped liver.” “No. No. You mean pate.” “Okay,” said Harry, “A pound of pate then and I’d like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday.” “Look,” retorted the indignant salesperson, “we don’t schlep on Shabbos!”
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(#15) The dog. Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She to Israel. She’s carrying sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her. A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, can’t keep the dog here. I’ll have to take it “I’m sorry Madam, but you and put it in baggage.”
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Rivkah agrees. What else can she do? During the flight, the stewardess looks in the dog is dead. She informs the pilot whoon the little dog, and Oy Gevult, tells the director who decides that they willnotifies Tel Aviv airport who this one. The little old lady will never know.get an other dog to replace When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to box, they bring her a box with a new dog, the baggage hall to claim her “This is not my dog”, Rivkah exclaims. an exact replica of her old dog. “Why yes it is,” the captain tells her. “See, it has the same markings.” “This is not my dog”, Rivkah insists. “How do you know this isn’t your dog?” asks the captain. “My dog is dead!”
(#16) The thinker. After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and sat down. At the and sat next to him. Avraham looked at thenext stop a young man got on fellow doesn’t look like a peasant, and if young man and thought, This he isn’t a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On area, he must be Jewish the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I’m the only one from our area to be allowed Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little to travel to Moscow. don’t need special permission to go there. village called Samvet, and you But why would he be going to Samvet? He’s of the Jewish families there, but how many probably going to visit one Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Jewish families are there in a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are But why is he going? The Steinbergs have Steinbergs. only girls, so maybe he’s their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapestdid he marry? and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. if he changed his name he must have someBut special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point Avraham turns to the young and said, “How do you do, Dr Kovacs?” man “Very well, thank you, sir” answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?” “Oh,” replied Avraham, “it was obvious”. (#17) Seder warning. Medical experts from London have published Seder participants should not eat both choppeda paper that concludes that liver and choroses. Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver. (#18) New cheese factory. Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel? It’s called “Cheeses of Nazareth”.
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(#6) Kol Nidre night. Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, “Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I’m a life long Spurs fan. I’ve got to watch the Spurs game on TV.” Rabbi Levy replies, “Sidney, that’s what video recorders are for.” Sidney is surprised. “You mean I can tape Kol Nidre”? (#7) Come & get me! Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother “Well,” said Leah, “how was the honeymoon,d Leah. “Oh mum,” Sarah replied, “the honeymoon arling?” was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and...” Then Sarah started to cry. “Oh mum, as soon started using terrible language. He said thingsas we got back, Isaac I’d never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home.” “Calm down, darling,” said Leah, “tell your awful. Don’t be shy, tell me what 4-letter mother what could be that “Please mum, I’m too embarrassed to tell words Isaac used.” Just come and take me away.” said Sarah. you, they’re terrible words. “But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were.” Still crying, Sarah replies, “Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ...”
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(#19) Three Jewish Mothers Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench centre talking about (what else?) how much in Brent Cross shopping Sadie says “You know the Chagall painting their sons love them. My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my hanging in my living room? 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.” Minnie says,”You call that love? You know Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. the Mercedes I just got for Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my What a doll.” with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five son Stanley? He’s in analysis session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
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(#20) The Priest And The Rabbi A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said in your religion you’re not supposed to eat to the Rabbi, “I know that pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?” The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, “I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion.”
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