Prolog OPINION
BARRY COLLINS, the coalition’s newest minister, reveals his blueprint for Britain’s broadband
F
irst, Mr Speaker, I’d like to thank the prime minister for appointing me as Britain’s first minister for broadband. Second, I’d like to thank my colleagues in the Department for Culture, Media & Sport for lousing up the job so badly that the prime minister decided to parachute me into the safe seat of Chastington Hythe-on-Thames and straight into the cabinet. Nice to see at least one cabinet being installed without years of delay, eh? [Pause for laughter.] Mr Speaker, as the Public Accounts Committee has correctly surmised (see p14), Britain’s broadband rollout is in something of a pickle – and not a tasty, reliable, spread-itall-over-your-cheese-sandwich kind of pickle, either. Broadband Delivery UK has effectively turned into a BT slush fund, handing over hundreds of millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money to one company, while leaving 10% of the country in the broadband wilderness. If that 10% lived in, say, Newcastle or Liverpool, Mr Speaker, we could perhaps agree that it can’t be helped and therefore slope off for a G&T on the Commons terrace. Alas, even some of the good residents of Chastington Hythe-on-Thames are blighted by this lack of decent broadband, and some of them have connections reliable enough to post sniffy comments about the government’s broadband policy on the Daily Mail website. Evidently, the situation is grave. Having held preliminary discussions with my colleagues at the Treasury, I can confirm that the urine-decanting pot is still missing, forcing us to consider alternative, chequebookneutral measures. The honourable member for PotlessUpon-Tyne has suggested that Ofcom take a more hardline approach with BT and force the company to reveal the precise locations of its publicly funded fibre rollout so that alternative solutions might be sought for those areas that fall outside BT’s footprint. Sadly, it’s my duty to inform my honourable friend that the spine of the chief executive of Ofcom also remains missing, despite years of intensive searching. The honourable member for Glossop South suggests renationalising Openreach, the network arm of BT, in much the same way we’ve renationalised Network Rail, ensuring that the infrastructure remains a national asset that BT and other companies can build upon. Alas, this suggestion made one of the civil servants at the Treasury choke so violently
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that he’s become a burden on the minister for health’s hospital waiting lists. Given that it would likely cost tens of billions of pounds to buy back Openreach, the Treasury believes the only way to raise sufficient government funds is to sell Kent to the Chinese. However, Mr Speaker, the objections of local residents are likely to torpedo that idea: the editor of the Daily Mail lives there. Lord Carmichael of Huntingfordshire has suggested that it may be appropriate to compel the mobile networks to extend their 4G coverage to rural areas. I regret to inform Lord Carmichael that, once again, financial hurdles obstruct an otherwise fine motion: EE is still paying off a mountain of debt to the actor Kevin Bacon for advertising services rendered, while Three is spending billions of pounds on a necessary rebranding exercise. We shall hold discussions with Four in the new year. My department has already held discussions with Virgin Media, Sky and TalkTalk to see if they might be encouraged to invest in a rural network. The providers said investment would be dependent on access to ducts and poles, but
The spine of the chief executive of Ofcom remains missing, despite years of intensive searching the initiative was vetoed by Conservative backbenchers, who threatened to rebel if any more Poles are employed by British companies. Finally, Mr Speaker, we considered a proposal from a Mr Honeyball of Huntingdon, who suggested we scrap the HS2 high-speed rail scheme, and instead spend half the allotted £50 billion ensuring that every home and business in the country has an end-to-end fibre connection. This would benefit not only the economy, but also the environment, the creative industries and working parents. In fact, the only objections received were from my honourable friends in Manufacturing West, Turnham Over, and Franchise-on-Sea, who fear this may cost them marginal seats at the next election. Nevertheless, the prime minister said we should put self-interest aside and proceed with the Honeyball Motion forthwith. I’m happy to announce, therefore, that we shall begin a consultation at the first opportunity: June 2015. I commend this statement to the House.
BARRY COLLINS is the editor of PC Pro. The closest he’s ever come to a life in politics is sharing a lift with Tessa Jowell. Blog: www.pcpro.co.uk/links/barryc Email: editor@pcpro.co.uk
PC PRO•DECEMBER 2013
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