Funny You Should Ask

by Jay Webster

Is it over? Did we get through the election yet? Oh good gawd, there’s still a month left? Please make it stop!

America is like a divorced family where we’re all being forced to decide which parent we’re going to live with. Republican dad got Jesus and guns in the separation, while Democrat mom got science and the good music. And we’re all getting the shaft. As Simon and Garfunkel say:

Laugh about it, shout about it, When you've got to choose, Ev'ry way you look at it, you lose

Most people identify our area of the country as the “Bible Belt.” Depending on who you are, you either celebrate or cringe when you hear that. It depends on the day for me.

As “Belters” (can I call us that?), we really shouldn’t be all that surprised by the infighting. I mean, sure we have that whole love your neighbor and treat them the way you want to be treated thing, but that’s mostly for the neighbors from our political party. And yes, Jesus calls us to be peacemakers and slow to speak and quick to listen and on and on … (Frankly, it’s too much.) But it’s divisions where men are made!

In fact, the first recorded conflict was between two brothers in the Garden of Eden. Cain was vegetarian and wanted more diversity … in his family. Able ate meat, smoked, and burned fossil fuels. Things got testy. “Dad always did like you better, you entitled little brown-noser. By the way, you’re killing the garden with your non-renewable energy!”

Who knows, maybe there were years of back and forths and tit for tats. “You smell like patchouli.” “Really? Well, your wife is a cow. I mean literally a cow!” And thus the law of an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth (and insult for insult) was established.

Eventually of course, Cain had his fill and took Able out to the pasture where he found he wasn’t so hard-headed after all. Unfortunately for us, the pattern was already set: when someone insults you, you insult them back. When someone hurts you, you retaliate.

Now history is littered with conflicts, sometimes decades long and multi-generations deep of recycled hostility: Montague and Capulets, Hatfields and McCoys, the Irish and the English, Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks … it goes on and on. And, for all of these conflicts, a script has been written — like a carefully choreographed pro-wrestling match that we don’t even know we’re a part of.

It starts with a provocation — a “them” says or does something inflammatory. Then the spotlight hits the “us.” How are we going to respond? Well, here’s your line according to the script; you say or do something equally as damaging + 1. The escalation begins.

Do you know the term “trolling?” In recent years, the term has come to reference “deliberately posting inflammatory, irrelevant, or offensive comments” online in the hopes of snagging gullible adversaries (or celebrities or politicians or anyone else willing to bite). The idea is, knowing how “the script” works, the target will have no option (unless they exercise extreme self-control) but to be entangled in some online feud (for which they are most likely under armed). Then the provocateur will show them for the idiot they are. It’s a trick.

But you know what’s truly impressive? Flipping the script. These are the people who receive an insult but somehow have the personal courage and/or grace not to retaliate; that is … not to take the bait. (Do you know how maddening that is for the troller?) In many cases where the script calls for them to respond with a like insult, instead they choose to ignore initial remarks — or even more diabolical — they commend or compliment the original offender instead. What the filth?!

Can you imagine if that happened in our current political landscape? It’s hard, but try and visualize the president calling out the head of the opposing party. It’ll take some work but you’ll get there. Here, I’ll help: President: “Look, Representative Blank is a sick puppy in my opinion. They really are. They’ve got a lot of problems. And they’re dragging this country down with their socialist policies.”

Then the senator should say (according to the script) that the President is a no-good, so-and-so and such-and-such; and we’d have weeks of tit for tat that would distract and divide us as a country. But what happens if the senator flips the script? What happens if instead they respond, “I’m sure the president feels frustrated as I do that this issue hasn’t been resolved for the American people. And, while we may disagree on the details, I know both parties are committed to the best interests of this country. I’m looking forward to working with him for a solution on this.”

Who looks like the villain and who looks like the saint? More than that, where can the argument go? Sure, the president can (and likely would) try to double down, but if he’s met with the cool dampness of humility, the fire once again has no fuel. The tennis match is over.

There’s a reason it’s said that the meek shall inherit the Earth.

But it takes strength and courage to play the “long game.” Do you know how many posts I’ve written just to delete them? Sometimes I have to write them down just to get them out of my brain. Otherwise, I will stew in my fantasy conversations and comebacks for hours. I could easily say things that would cut me off from friends or family members. I could alienate and divide … and for what? Just to prove that I’m right and they’re not? Or that my wit is faster than theirs? In the end, is anyone’s mind going to be changed? Will we have made any forward progress?

No, but there’s a very good chance that the lines of communication will be severed. I will just be fueling an unresolvable conflict.

For me, the script rule doesn’t just apply to politics. It’s in my relationships. How many fights with my family would cease if I chose not to engage? Or what about that annoying uncle who is always baiting you? It’s no fun to “shadow box” for most people. They want an opponent. If you don’t get in the ring, what’s left for them?

Flipping the script and refusing to play your role is the shortest way to preserving your energy (and your mind) for the things that matter. On the other hand, going along with the script ensures frustration, fatigue, suspicion of the “other side,” and general unhappiness.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath,” but it also saves lives. Starting with our own.

Once again I’ve found our little therapy session here very helpful. I feel better. You know, you’re a really good listener. And, I don’t mean this in any kind of romantic way, but you’re not bad looking either. Thanks for hanging around.

I’m sure October will be a scary month for a lot of reasons, but maybe we “Belters” don’t have to let it get the best of us. (Yeah, I’m not sure the name is going to stick either, but sometimes you don’t know until you try.) Either way, I like you.

I’ll see you here next month. Cheers, my friends.