Bath and North East Somerset Primary Care Trust
Useful Information for Families with Children 11-18
CONTENTS PAGE
Introduction Welcome to the Bath & North East Somerset Parent’s Information Handbook The purpose of this handbook is to give information and guidance on a range of different subjects that are particularly relevant to the parents and carers of children aged 11-18. Being a teenager can be a very difficult time. It’s a time of changes, both physical and emotional and these changes can be confusing and challenging for parents and teenagers alike. We hope that you find this handbook useful and that it will make your parenting a little less stressful, raise your awareness about where to go to for advice and make you feel more confident about your own parenting skills. There is a list of national organisations at the back of this book. For information about local support for parents contact
The Family Information Service on 0800 073 1214
email: fis@bathnes.gov.uk
or visit 1BigDatabase www.1bigdatabase.org.uk
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
CONTENTS PAGE
Contents Adolescent behaviour Your teenager is just growing up Anti-social behaviour When every day is a difficult day Bullying The real story Coming out Is your son or daughter gay? Depression & mental ill health Dealing with the uncertainties of life Domestic abuse How does it affect children? Drug, alcohol & substance misuse Getting the facts Eating disorders The tell-tale signs Friendships & peer groups Coping with demands Internet safety New technology, old problem Letting go & talking with your teenager Build a better relationship Loss & divorce It’s not their fault Missing From home and school Self-harming Understanding and support Stress & anxiety Helping them cope Teenage pregnancy & sexual health Preventative parenting Truancy Are they at school? Worried about a child? Should you mind your own business? Young people with a disability You’re not alone Helpful organisations
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Mood swings are a normal part of behaviour Listening is the key to a good relationship Your teenager wants independence - but still needs you!
”
I’ve learnt to give him the privacy he needs and he’s learned that there are certain things he needs to tell me so I don’t worry.
”
WARNING SIGNS Mood swings; arguments; talking back; an ‘over-the-top’ interest in hygiene - or a complete lack of it are quite normal. Difficulty in saying what they feel calmly and untidiness are all warning signs that your child has become a teen! ACTION Listening and talking to your teen will help you understand what they are going through emotionally and physically. One of the best things you can do for your child is to let them know that you are there for them. WHAT TO SAY Teenagers can be clever, interesting and thoughtful as well as having set ideas, being sarcastic and sulky. Bring out the best in them by talking things through rather than arguing. Let your teen know you are there for them, whatever the problem. PREVENTION Remember you are the adult! All too often you may find yourself having temper tantrums! Try to understand what they are going through, so you can solve worries before they turn into bigger problems. Being flexible and bargaining works better than rules and demands. CONTACTS • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 WEBLINKS: • www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.raisingkids.co.uk • www.ukparentslounge.co.uk • www.familyandparenting.org
Your teenager is just growing up The teenage years are often seen as a time of arguments and bad family relationships as children either hardly leave their room or are never home. They won’t answer the most simple question about school or how their evening went and are unpredictable.
And teenagers will take it out on those closest to them - you!
Yes, that is normal teenage behaviour. But it’s also normal to find out that you have a young person living with you who is clever, interesting and funny.
Untidiness, not doing homework, letting you know where they are or helping around the house can cause arguments. Bargaining with your teenager works better than making demands: ‘If you tidy your room, I’ll put this wash on for you’.
The most likely cause for the mood swings of your teenager is hormones. At the start of puberty, hormones are triggering physical changes and emotional feelings that are not only hard to deal with, but hard to talk about. Your teenager is also having deeper and more complicated relationships; any worries or arguments, for example pressure from mates to do things they may not feel comfortable with, can affect their sense of well being and confidence. They also will be having new sexual feelings that they may find difficult and worries about their looks. They will also be trying to work out who they are. Your child is learning about views, opinions and beliefs that may not be the same as those they have grown up with. On top of all this, they also have to cope with school or college work, which can make them worried and stressed.
Supporting your teen How you deal with your teenager can make the difference between a close relationship and a difficult one.
Talking to your teenager will help you understand each other and help build up their confidence. Listen to their ideas and try to understand their thoughts and feelings. Respect your teenagers’ privacy - remember you were a teenager once! Be open-minded and do not judge your teenager so they trust you and feel they can turn to you when they need help. The teenage years can be tough and your child needs to know they have your support. It’s common for them to argue or even ignore you at times, because they know that, on the whole, you will take the bad moods with the good. If they upset you, don’t forget a lot of it is just for show and that when things go wrong, the person they’ll often turn to for comfort is you.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Although you love your teenager, you may not always like their behaviour. As young people grow up, they will test their own and your limits.
”
Good parenting can help your child’s behaviour Prevention is better than cure Peer pressure and boredom are reasons given by teens for offending Your local council can advise you about ways of solving problems in your community
When every day is a difficult day
WARNING SIGNS Missing school or being in trouble at school; stealing; having unexplained amounts of money; using drugs and/or alcohol; rudeness or violence towards you or others are all signs of behaviour that need to be dealt with as soon as possible. ACTION Talk to your teenager about their behaviour, why they are doing it and what action can be taken to stop it. Do not feel you are alone. There are schemes in place to help your child to aim towards education, training or employment rather than crime. WHAT TO SAY Try not to judge, but explain that you want to help stop this behaviour and you need to work together, maybe also with outside help, to steer him or her back onto the right path. Explain where this behaviour could lead unless it is stopped now. PREVENTION Keeping an open relationship and talking to your teenager will help them. Young people from supportive family homes are less likely to offend. Take an interest in schoolwork and encourage after-school activities such as sports, art programmes or courses. CONTACTS • Connexions Direct 080 800 13 2 19 • Child and Family Enquiries 0845 671 0271 (if you would like help for your family) WEBLINKS: • www.connexions-direct.com
Anti-social behaviour is a phrase used a lot these days. There are different sorts of anti-social behaviour. Some of it might just be described as high spirits. Adults can often not trust young people and be very quick to form the wrong opinion. However, some teenagers do behave in a way that is very damaging and frightening. People of all ages have the right to live without fear. What are the causes? There are many causes of antisocial behaviour. An unstable family life due to violence or divorce may not help. Living in an area with few things to do and few family activities could be another. Pressure from friends can also be a problem with mates encouraging them to join in. Problems at school or bullying may also be a factor. What can I do? As a parent, there are some things that will help to stop your child from ever taking part in anti-social behaviour. • A loving family home. • Dealing with unwanted behaviours in the same way each time, rather than being very strict one time and then relaxed at another time.
• Supporting your child to go to school, training or work experience. • Avoiding being harsh with your child, such as violent, or intimidating. • Taking an interest in your child. Where can I get support? There is support for your family and your child, and it will depend on how serious the behaviour is, and any other needs your child may have. It is best to talk to the school, youth worker, or Connexions worker about your worries, or contact The Family Information Service. Support varies from finding activities for your child to do, to help with problems at school, or with any mental health problems. If the behaviour is more serious, an Acceptable Behaviour Contract might help your child to know what behaviour is okay and what is not. For the most serious problems, an Anti-Social Behaviour Order may be sought.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Young people have the right not to be hurt Bullying behaviour is unacceptable Bullying can happen to any child at any age Act immediately if you think your child is being bullied Young people need ways to protect themselves and seek help
”
The real story
It happens most days. They call me smelly and fat. They made me give them money again yesterday. They’re in the same class and they’re always laughing at me. They said if I tell it will be ten times worse. Sometimes I don’t go to school… I can’t stand it anymore.
”
WARNING SIGNS Running away, non-attendance at school, other learning and behavioural difficulties for no obvious reason. Your child has injuries with no feasible explanation for them. ACTION See the Headteacher at the school for their support and action. If bullying is happening outside school, consider contacting the family of the child who is bullying and try to find a way to work together to sort it out. WHAT TO SAY Refuse to put up with bullying. Listen to your child, reassure and be there for them. PREVENTION Talk to your child about their school day. Teach your child to respect others from a young age. Teach your child that prejudice and bullying is unacceptable. CONTACTS • Contact your child’s Headteacher • Kidscape 08451 205 204 • ChildLine 0800 1111 WEBLINKS: • www.kidscape.org.uk • www.childline.org.uk • www.bullying.co.uk • www.anti-bullyingalliance.org
Bullying is a frightening experience. It can isolate and damage a young person’s selfconfidence. Some ongoing bullying can have negative longterm effects on children, leading to depression and even suicidal thoughts and actions. School days are a time when the influence of other children is very important and fitting in is seen as essential. If children are thought of as different for any reason, they can be picked on and bullied. Sadly, we still live in a society in which to be different in any way can mean ridicule and bullying (often copied from parents) and this ensures that prejudice will continue into the next generation. It is crucial to be alert to the possibility of bullying and make sure you know the tell-tale signs. You may think that your child is unlikely to be bullied but the reality is that bullying can happen at any time and to any child. Bullies who continually harm other children need support and help as well. They may have
experienced difficulties of their own at home, which may have led to their actions. Reporting concerns may help them to get help as well. • Bullying can happen anywhere but most commonly it happens in school. • Bullying can take many forms, from verbal abuse to physical attack. • Bullying is the repeated abuse of a child by one or several people. • Bullies are not always older than the child they harm. • Most bullying is done by children who are the same age as the victim. If your child tells you about a friend or any other child who is being bullied - listen carefully and take this seriously. That child may not be able to say for themselves what is happening. Today all schools are required to have an Anti-Bullying Policy. However, school action alone cannot guarantee success and so it is important that parents and schools work together.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
‘Coming out’ is a big step - your child needs your support Accept your own feelings Discuss your worries
Is your son or daughter gay? However much you love and think you know your child, you may feel a range of emotions when finding out that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.
”
It took me a long time to accept it when my son told me he was gay. I still don’t like it, but if that’s the way he is, then I want him to know I’m here for him.
”
WARNING SIGNS Younger teenagers may not yet be aware of their sexuality. Older teens may feel confused about their feelings for their own sex and try to ignore them. Their actions may change as they try to come to terms with their sexuality. Others may try to give you signs that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender without having to tell you outright. ACTION If you believe your child is gay and having difficulty either coming to terms with this or telling you, start up conversations that will give them an opportunity to bring up the subject. WHAT TO SAY It may be hard to accept your child is lesbian or gay, but their sexuality doesn’t change the person you have brought up and loved. Let them know you will be there for them and support them as they find their way. PREVENTION There is nothing you can do or should do to try and stop your child from being what they naturally are. Hiding feelings can only do long-term damage to their self-confidence. Encourage your child to be who they are and to be proud. CONTACTS • Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG) 0845 652 0311 • Inscape 023 9229 8950 WEBLINKS: • www.fflag.org.uk
You may feel shocked, worried, ashamed or horrified. Even if you had an idea they may be gay, it can still be difficult to accept the truth. Many young people start to become aware of their feelings at age 11 or younger, but may take years to admit it to themselves or anyone else. They often feel lonely and scared. It will have taken a lot of courage for your child to tell you and they need your understanding and support. Your concerns It’s normal to have concerns. You may feel you no longer know your child and that they are not the person you thought they were. You may feel you have to give up the hope of grandchildren. You may worry about the problems they may have to face in their lives. You may also feel embarrassed or ashamed to tell family, friends and neighbours. All of these concerns are natural. These are things your child may be worried about too. Common misunderstandings There are often misunderstandings about homosexuality. One is that it’s ‘just a phase’. While many young people experiment with their own
sex, if your child tells you they are gay, accept it, as they won’t have said it lightly. Another is that homosexuality is an illness that can be cured. It’s not - it’s the way your child is. Some parents believe their child has been ‘turned’ by mixing with gay friends, but it’s unlikely your teenager would tell you about their feelings unless they were sure. Parents shouldn’t worry that it is something they have done (maybe being an over-caring mother or absent father) that has ‘made’ their child gay. Giving support It may take some time for you to get used to the fact that your teenager is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, especially if it goes against your culture or religion. But your child still needs your support. Let them know you are there for them, as they may want to discuss issues or problems they are facing. You may find it easier to understand and support your child if you contact one of the help groups aimed at parents of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender young people. Don’t make your child feel that they need to keep their friendships and partners secret from you. The more you find out about homosexuality, the more you will understand your child’s lifestyle and be able to support them.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Many things can set off mental ill health Your teenager needs you to listen Get professional help Don’t expect them to snap out of it Be patient and allow them time to talk
Dealing with the uncertainties of life
”
At first I thought she was just being a moody teenager. But as the time went on I realised something was wrong. She’s getting counselling now - it’s slow, but I’m hopeful she’ll get out of this terrible black hole.
”
WARNING SIGNS Not sleeping; mood swings; eating disorders; not caring about their appearance; dropping friends and hobbies; staying in their room; crying; not doing so well at school; finding it hard to work, or being self-critical. ACTION If you think your child is depressed, talk to them and find out if there is any way you can help. Be patient and understanding - what may seem like a small problem to you can be too much for a young person. Talk to your Doctor and discuss what treatment (such as counselling) may be helpful. You could speak to your child’s school to see if they have noticed any differences in your son or daughter. WHAT TO SAY Listen to and talk to your teenager. Depression can’t just be switched off, it takes time and understanding to overcome it. Suggest they contact useful organisations they can talk to in private. PREVENTION A supportive and understanding family means your child may feel more able to talk to you about any problems, rather than bottling them up. Chat about their interests, hobbies, friends and schoolwork so they feel you understand the different parts of their lives. CONTACTS • NHS Direct 0845 4647 • YoungMinds Parents' Information Service 0800 018 2138 • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 WEBLINKS: • www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk • www.youngminds.org.uk • www.parentlineplus.org.uk
The teenage years are a difficult time and young people have a lot to deal with physically, mentally and emotionally. While every young person feels highs and lows, for some, this turns into depression. Young people are more vulnerable and sensitive to what is happening to them and are less experienced at being able to deal with problems and anxieties. Depression can be started by a number of things, such as: parents divorcing or separating; feeling ignored and unloved; or not being listened to; losing friends; changing school or moving home; worries about their looks, sexuality, health, exams or abuse. What may seem like small problems or worries to an older person can seem like a much bigger problem to a young person. Boys are more likely to get depressed than girls and suffer from serious mental ill health. What are the signs? While young people can sometimes seem unhappy and quiet, you may feel that this is more than just a phase. Signs may include being unable to sleep, eating too much or too little, mood swings, staying in their bedroom all day, or giving
up interests and hobbies. Crying, avoiding friends and family, finding it hard to do their schoolwork, or not caring about what they look like are other things to look out for. They may talk about death or have suicidal thoughts. To escape from their feelings or let them out in the only way they know how young people may start taking drugs or drinking, not going to school, becoming violent or carrying out crimes such as shoplifting. How to help If your teenager is suffering from depression they need help. Don’t ignore their worries and take any talk of suicide seriously. You need to listen, try to understand what they are going through and get professional help if you need to. Get them to talk about their worries. If they don’t feel they can talk to you, there are a number of helplines they can contact. If you are concerned, help them to see their Doctor or School Nurse. They may want you to come with them or may like to go alone (remember they will still need your support). The Doctor can discuss ways to help, often a referral to a trained therapist or counsellor.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
Domestic abuse teaches children to use violence
I crept downstairs because I heard arguing. Dad was standing over mum kicking her. I made sure that my sister did not see, but we still heard. When mum came upstairs, her nose was bleeding and we all cried, we stayed there until dad went out.
”
It can affect children in serious and long-lasting ways Where there is domestic abuse there is often child abuse Children will often blame themselves for domestic abuse When domestic abuse occurs in families, alcohol is often a cause Pregnant women are often victims of domestic abuse
How does it affect children? Domestic abuse is a crime and a major social problem affecting many families. Children who see, get involved or hear violence are affected in many ways. What is certain is that children do hear, they do see and they are aware of violence in the family.
WARNING SIGNS Any abuse between adults will affect children badly. Get support and help as soon as possible. The longer it lasts the more damaging it is. ACTION Report your concerns about yourself or someone else to the Police. If you are worried that your child might be affected, talk to them about what is happening. Spend time together talking through any worries they have. WHAT TO SAY Children need time to talk about the feelings they have about domestic abuse. Children need to know that it is not their fault and that this is not the way it should be. PREVENTION A abusive partner must seek help to stop their actions. Make sure that you offer a good role model for children so that they learn better ways of acting. CONTACTS • National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 • Police 999 in an emergency WEBLINKS: • www.womensaid.org.uk • www.refuge.org.uk
Children will learn how to act from what their parents do. Domestic abuse teaches children bad things about relationships and how to deal with people. For instance: • It can teach them that violence is the way to sort out arguments. • They learn how to keep secrets. • They often do not trust those close to them and think that they are to blame, especially if abuse happens after an argument about the children. Many people find it difficult to understand why people stay in or return to violent situations. Fear, love, the risk of homelessness and financial issues can make it very difficult for partners with children to leave and some may just not want to. Short-term effects Children are affected in many ways by violence, even after a short time. These effects include:
feeling frightened; becoming shy and quiet; bedwetting; running away; abuse; behaving badly; problems with school; poor concentration and emotional upset. Long-term effects The longer children are around violence, the worse the effects on them are. These can include: • A lack of respect for the nonviolent parent. • Loss of self-confidence, which will affect how they form relationships in the future. • Being over-protective of parent. • Loss of childhood. • Problems at school. • Running away. If you are worried about domestic abuse, discuss it with someone else such as your health visitor or the domestic violence helpline. If you are violent and have children, you can seek help to stop what is happening. If you are a victim you can apply, without the need for a Solicitor, for a Non-Molestation Order in the Family Proceedings Court. Contact the Duty Clerk at your local magistrates court.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
The truth is that you can’t prevent you child coming into contact with drugs, but your influence can mean they make the right choice if they do Make sure you know just as much as they do about drugs and talk openly about the risks Remember you are a role model for your child - if you don’t want them to drink, smoke or take drugs, do not do it yourself!
Getting the facts
”
The most important thing I’ve ever done is to tell my kids that it’s okay to say no to drugs if their friends are taking them, help them feel confident and let them know that they can talk to me if they want to.
”
WARNING SIGNS Possible signs of drug or alcohol use can include changes in appearance, friends and interests, eating and sleeping habits and mood swings. These signs are very often a natural part of growing up, so a young person who is not using drugs/alcohol could show the same changes. You may panic and become very emotional if you suspect your child is using substances, but you may find the following advice helpful. ACTION Try not to accuse your child as this may start a row. Ask them to talk about their views and try and listen with respect to what they say. Show them your main concern is for their health and wellbeing, but make it clear to them what behaviour is acceptable to you, and what you won’t tolerate. WHAT TO SAY Try to find a time when you feel able to discuss the situation without interruptions. Don’t try to discuss their drug/alcohol use with them while they’re under the influence. Give information about the risks of drug/alcohol use at an early age. PREVENTION Make sure that you are informed about drug and alcohol use and what can happen. There are many helpful guides and support available. It is just as important that you receive support for yourself as a parent/carer dealing with substance misuse, as it can cause increased stress and worry for all those involved.
If you are worried about a young person using drugs or drinking too much, don’t despair! If you want to talk about drugs being heavy-handed will probably backfire. The best approach is to find out the facts and then talk to your child calmly about the effects and risks of substance misuse. This will make them feel confident and informed rather than ‘told off’. It is important to discuss drugs use early The time to talk to your child about drugs might be earlier than you think. Children will be aware of drugs in some way before they leave primary school. At this early stage, children are more likely to take in what they are being told. Make sure you tell your children about the risks. Clear information and support will help them decide what to do. You cannot be sure they will not try drugs but it will increase the chance of them making an informed choice.
them. Research shows that a child is far more likely to develop a problem with alcohol than illegal drugs. But some do take drugs and they do so for different reasons - they want to find out about them, they want to break the rules, to relax, to escape reality, to cope with difficult situations or feelings, because they enjoy them or because their friends do it. How would I know? There are many signs of drug use which can be confused with signs of being a teenager. There often aren’t any clear signs but things to look out for include: loss of appetite; drowsiness; poor hygiene or appearance; mood swings; red-rimmed eyes or a runny nose; uncharacteristic loss of interest in school; hobbies or friends; money going missing regularly for no apparent reason; unusual equipment in their room, such as burnt foil, torn cigarette packets, empty aerosols, homemade pipes or syringes.
Why do young people use drugs, abuse substances or drink alcohol? The truth is, most young people don’t and most of those who do try drugs don’t continue using
CONTACTS • FRANK 0800 77 66 00 WEBLINKS: • www.talktofrank.com
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
I can’t bear to see what my daughter is doing to herself. I wish I could turn back the clock and have helped her before anorexia took over her life.
”
Young people are more likely than adults to have eating disorders Controlling food is a way of controlling their lives Recognise the problems that set off eating disorders Get support - your child needs help
The tell-tale signs Food is an important part of our lives. For some young people, how much or how little food they eat becomes the most important thing in their lives.
WARNING SIGNS People with anorexia: weight loss; avoiding food while obsessing about it; pretending to have eaten already; hiding body shape; loss of periods; feeling cold; sleep problems; moodiness; not growing; thinning hair growth and dental problems due to being sick. People with Bulimia: binge-eating; sore throat and related infections; dental problems from vomiting; missed periods; disappearing after meals; puffy skin; not drinking enough and using laxatives. ACTION You can’t make somebody eat, but you can give your teenager the chance to talk about his or her problems. Let them know that you are there to help them, no matter what. It may also help for you to speak to other parents who have gone through similar experiences with their son or daughter and to share and support each other.
Eating disorders develop when food is used as a way of dealing with personal problems. How much is eaten, when, and where, can sometimes seem like the only thing they can control in their lives and have a say about. Recognising the signs There are two main eating disorders: Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa. People with Anorexia or Anorexics maintain strict control over their food intake and may be over sensitive about being seen as fat. Anorexia is a serious condition, which if not dealt with, can cause lifelong problems and in rare cases even death.
WHAT TO SAY Try to get them to talk about any problems that may be setting off the eating disorder. If they feel they can’t talk to you, encourage them to talk to a friend, relative, teacher or social worker.
People with Bulimia or Bulimics often binge eat in secret. The main warning signs for both disorders are listed on the right.
PREVENTION Girls are more likely to develop eating disorders during their teenage years. If your child knows she can talk to you about any worries, she is less likely to use food as a way of dealing with her problems.
Who is affected - and why? Most of those who experience eating disorders are women, although young men are often affected too. There are many reasons why people have eating disorders and if your teenager has a problem, you will need to try to understand what started it in the first place. For many, having control of what they eat is the only control they feel they have in their lives.
CONTACTS • Your Doctor • Beating Eating Disorders 0845 634 1414 • YoungMinds 0800 018 2138 • NHS Direct 0845 4647 WEBLINKS: • www.b-eat.co.uk • www.youngminds.org.uk • www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk
Triggers may include: • Abuse - physical, emotional or sexual abuse. • Bullying. • Family problems. • Parents pushing their child too hard at school - people with Anorexia are often high achievers. • Not being able to express feelings. • Lack of self-esteem, feelings of self-hatred or guilt. • Wanting to be accepted believing being slim will make them more acceptable. How to help People with an eating disorder are usually the last ones to recognise that they have a problem. If you think your teenager is suffering from Anorexia or Bulimia, then they need your help. Try to get them to eat sensibly, but just as importantly, try to find out what are the real problems. If they don’t feel they can talk to you, try to get them to talk to a friend, relative, teacher, school nurse or youth or social worker. You should also talk to their Doctor, to discuss any further treatment. Counselling, self-help groups and therapy are all helpful. In very serious cases, they may need to go into a hospital or clinic.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
Every time my daughter’s best friend has her hair cut, she gets hers cut in exactly the same way. Why doesn’t she try to be more individual?
”
Friendships help your teenager to develop in many ways Most young people like to look the same as everyone else and be part of the crowd Pressure from other teenagers to act in a certain way can be powerful Family support is important but be prepared, your teenager could turn to their friends first
Coping with demands Friendships are very important to teenagers. Having a close friend or group of friends and belonging to a group helps them feel good about themselves, learn to deal with people, and develop their own identity. This helps them learn about the values and ideas of others.
WARNING SIGNS If your child is unusually quiet or seems unhappy, there may be friendship problems. Suddenly having money or new clothes, unusual behaviour that you think may be caused by drink or drugs and not wanting to tell you about what they are doing are all signs that your teenager may be getting into trouble. It’s unlikely that they’re doing it alone. ACTION Find out if your teenager is having any problems at school or with friends. Ask if there is anything you can do to help and let them know you are always there for them. If the problem carries on, talk to the school or a social worker. WHAT TO SAY Talk to your teenager calmly and try not to judge them, as this will only make it less likely that they open up to you and feel they can trust you. Problems or friendship break-ups that may seem small to you are very important to your teenager. PREVENTION Even though you may not be the first person your teenager turns to when in trouble, your support is still important. To help stop your child from keeping problems in, let them know you are always there for them when they need you.
The meaning of friendship Girls tend to have smaller groups of friends. Fitting in with a group and sharing secrets is very important, and how you look, what band you like and the length of your hair all need to be just ‘right’. Friendships are important to boys too, but they usually form larger groups of friends. They may play sports with some mates or just hang out with others. Boys want to look good but they don’t talk about fashion as much as girls do. Worries about who’s ‘doing it’ and who’s not are more important! Peer groups Peer groups (or groups of teenagers of the same age) often form in school or at after school clubs. Belonging to a group is very important. Young people may want to be part of a group because their friends are, even if
they don’t really like what everyone else does. As they get into their later teens, they will probably make up their own minds rather than going along with the crowd. Putting on the pressure Many teenagers feel under pressure to do things they are not happy about because they don’t want to stick out from the crowd. This might mean wearing certain clothes or shopping in the right places. On a more serious level, this might mean being absent from school, trying alcohol or drugs, shoplifting or going further with a boyfriend or girlfriend than they feel ready to. Worried about friends You may feel worried about the effect certain friends are having on your teenager. They may be worried about what they are doing and do not know how to talk to you about it. Support your child by letting them know they can talk to you and that you will help. You can show your teenager how to trust their own feelings and values, building up an emotional strength that will help them as they get older.
WEBLINKS: • www.bbc.co.uk/parenting • www.raisingkids.co.uk
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
The Internet can be fun and is useful Have family Internet rules to encourage safer use It is important that parents understand the Internet
”
Greg is eleven the same age as me. I haven’t met him but we chat on the Internet all the time. He’s really funny. He wants to meet up tomorrow to play football. I can’t wait to see what he looks like.
”
WARNING SIGNS Being secretive when using the Internet, changes in how they act, unusual sexual questions, leaving clues (such as emails) that they are having chats with others which seem sexual or you are not comfortable with, or problems at school and not telling you where they are going or who they are meeting. ACTION Set up and stick to your Internet-use ground rules. Learn all you can about the Internet and how to use it yourself so you can understand what your child is viewing and whether it is suitable. WHAT TO SAY Discuss with your teenager the dangers of chat rooms and looking at unsuitable websites. Make sure they know that any personal information, including their real name, should not be passed on to anyone else. Be open-minded about the teen-websites they are viewing, but let them know that if they are worried about anything they see or read on the Internet they can ask you about it. PREVENTION Keep the computer in a family room, with the monitor facing outwards, so you can always see what’s on screen. Discuss which websites your child is looking at and take a look for yourself. Make sure your teenager is aware of the dangers. CONTACTS • Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre 0870 000 3344 WEBLINKS: • www.ceop.gov.uk • www.kidsmart.org.uk • www.iwf.org.uk • www.chatdanger.com • www.parentscentre.gov.uk • www.stoptextbully.com
New technology, old problem The Internet is a wonderful and quick way for young people to find information, help them study and keep in contact with friends or meet new ones. Unfortunately, the Internet is also an easy tool for child abuse. Paedophiles use chat rooms to become friendly with children or young people, often by pretending to be another child. Other risks include people who want to get personal information like names, addresses or telephone numbers for fraud. Using the Internet too much can lead to an unhealthy lifestyle and can be addictive. Keep it safe Keep an eye on what’s going on by keeping the computer in a family room, rather than in a bedroom. Learn how to use a computer, access Internet sites and try out a chat room for yourself so you understand what can happen. Check out which sites your children are visiting to see if they are acceptable. Ask other parents to tell you about good chat rooms or websites for your child. Look for sites that check messages in chat rooms and those, which include clear guidelines for use, child-friendly advice, warnings and how to report concerns. You can buy software filters which block access to websites with a sexual content. These don’t make Internet use totally safe so it is
still much better for you to take an active interest in the sites your child is browsing. Set ground rules • Limit the amount of time your child spends on the Internet and stick to it. • Discuss the kind of websites they can visit which are right for their age. • Make it clear to your child that they must never give out their real name, address, home or mobile phone numbers or any other personal details or post photos of themselves on the Internet. • They should always let you know if someone is asking questions or wanting details they don’t feel happy about giving. It’s important that your child understands why there needs to be rules. Explain that because they can’t see or hear the people they chat to on the Internet, they may not be who they seem. Remind your teenager that strangers on the Internet can be just as dangerous as strangers on the street. If your teenager is secretive when using the computer, if you notice changes in how they act, problems sleeping or changes in routine or they are suddenly asking about sexual matters you could look into whether their Internet use has anything to do with it.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
I was used to him telling me everything that was going on in his life. I felt he didn't need me anymore.
”
WARNING SIGNS If your child refuses to listen to you and never wants to share what is going on in their life, you need to act now to re-build your relationship. If you always question your teenager's every move where they are going, who they are seeing, when they will be back you will find you are pushing them further away rather than finding out what is really going on in their lives. ACTION The teenage years are tough for your child, so try to understand what they are going through. Accept that friendships, music, their own opinions and most other things are more important than you right now! Despite this, knowing that you are there for them, gives your teenager the confidence to try new things. Set ground rules early on so that you both know what is acceptable. WHAT TO SAY Learn to listen as well as talk to your teenager. Show that you are interested in what they have to say, even though you don't have to agree with it. Try to be flexible about the rules you have. PREVENTION A good relationship can be built up by talking about what's going on in their life without asking too many personal questions. Always let your teenager know you are there for them, without judgement,whatever they have done and they will be more likely to turn to you when they need to. CONTACTS • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 WEBLINKS: • www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.ukparentslounge.com • www.raisingkids.co.uk • www.bbc.co.uk/health
Understand your teenager's feelings Listen as well as talk your teenager still needs you Communication is the key to good family relationships Your teenager is developing their own identity
Build a better relationship If you have had a close relationship with your teenager, it can be hard when you are no longer the first person that they want to turn to. • It can feel as if your relationship with your teenager is slipping away. • Your teenager has reached an age where their friends’ thoughts and opinions are more important. Why your teenager is changing • The teenage years are not easy. As well as increased school work, they are dealing with hormones, developing deeper relationships, peer pressure and sexual feelings. Working out their own identity, developing their own opinions and views. • To cope with all this, teenagers need privacy. • Teenagers also find it hard to say what they are thinking and feel that adults always seem to have the answer, so prefer to say nothing. How to listen • When your teenager talks to you, let them have their say without interruption. • Give your teenager time to express themselves. Their way of seeing things may be different to yours, but important to them. • Teenagers value being listened to, having their opinions, thoughts and feelings recognised.
How to talk • Trying to get a reply out of your teenager as they are getting ready to go out or are listening to music won’t work. Choose your time carefully. • If your teenager finds what you have to say dull, don’t be offended. It’s natural to be more interested in their friends’ lives than yours. You probably acted in the same way when you were a teenager! • Home isn’t always the best place to talk. Talking to your teenager in a café or going for a walk may help them to talk about matters they don’t want to bring up in front of others. How to let go • In order to let go, you need to be able to trust your teenager. • Giving them responsibilities is a way to build up that trust. • Show respect for their decisions, even if you don’t agree. • Set ground rules and make sure that they always have their mobile phone switched on and call if they are going to be late. • Your teenager is more likely to turn to you if they feel they can trust you too. Make sure they know that they can talk to you about anything without fear of how you will react.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
Since his father died, my son seems to have disappeared into his own little world. I desperately want to help him but I don’t know what to do, he just doesn’t want to talk to me about it.
”
Death affects everyone differently Talking helps ease the pain; be there for each other Separation can be as upsetting for your children as it is for you Let them know you will both still be there for them
It’s not their fault Loss and bereavement Loss or death is difficult for everyone. For young people, not quite being a child anymore but not yet an adult can make it difficult for them to deal with their feelings. Young people need a lot of support and understanding to help them work through their grief.
WARNING SIGNS Everyone reacts to loss differently and it takes some people longer than others to come to terms with a loss. Give your child as much time and patience as they need. Saying bad things or fighting with your partner in front of your children is only going to hurt them. ACTION Tell your children about what’s happening and how it will affect their lives. You may not be the person they find it easiest to talk to, so encourage others to be there for them. Show them that their well-being is important to you both by listening to their feelings and wishes. WHAT TO SAY Show them that their well-being is important to you both by listening to their feelings and wishes. Remember to let them know it’s alright to still laugh or have fun - it doesn’t mean you’re grieving any less. Explain why you are breaking up and that it is nothing to do with things your child may have said or done. PREVENTION Keep the lines of communication open as the more you talk, the easier the healing process will be. If you do separate or divorce try to stop your children feeling hurt, guilty, or unloved. Talk to them so they understand why you are breaking up and how this will affect their lives. CONTACTS • Cruse Bereavement Care Helpline 0844 477 9400 WEBLINKS: • www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk • www.rd4u.org.uk • www.dca.gov.uk (Government website with tips for handling separation) • www.itsnotyourfault.org
There is no right or wrong way to react and everyone handles things in different ways. There will be a range of feelings your teenager is likely to go through such as feeling numb as they try to understand that someone is really not coming back; anger at the person who died, at you, at others or themselves; blaming themselves in some way, or feeling guilty because they don’t think they’re grieving ‘enough’; sadness or depression. It is easy for young people to think they are the only ones who have lost someone and that no one else understands them, but talking to other people will help. Talk to your child about what has happened as much as they want to. They may find this hard, so encourage friends or a teacher to be there for them too. It may help if they talk to a bereavement counsellor.
the details, the truth is that the more your child understands what is going on, the easier they will find it to cope. If possible, have both parents there when you explain what’s going to happen and why. Try not to fight in front of them and make clear that even though you will be living apart you will both be there for them whenever they need you. They may have mixed feelings during this time including feeling hurt, confused and unloved. You both need to be patient and understanding of their needs as well as your own. Children often think that their parents’ breaking up is somehow their fault and that they’ve done something wrong. They need to understand that what’s happened is not their fault. You may find your child taking the side of one parent. Hopefully, this will pass and by explaining the facts, a good relationship can be kept with both parents. Talk to your children and listen to what they have to say. How you handle the break-up is important for their well-being. Try to get them to talk about their feelings and involve them in making choices about the future and what changes may happen.
Separation and divorce When a relationship breaks down it is hard for the whole family. While you may think it is kinder to try and protect your children from
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
I was shocked when she ran away although, looking back, she was more of a loner than her brother. I now know that she had been missing school quite a bit. We stopped talking when my partner moved in but had been really close before that.
”
Make time for your child to talk to you about their worries - even when you have to tell them off You know how important a good education is - let your child know this Only keep them off school if they are too ill to attend and not for days out or shopping trips Be honest about things that might be happening in the family Look for early signs that your child might not be happy and talk to their school about these Help is out there - don’t be too embarrassed or afraid to ask
From home and school
WARNING SIGNS There may be none but does your child seem to be unhappy? Are you sure that they are not truanting from school? Has anything happened in the family that you haven’t talked to your child about? ACTION If you think your child might be missing from school, talk to the school or a Children Missing Education Officer. Contact the Police if your child goes missing and you don’t know where they have gone. WHAT TO SAY Make sure that your child knows how important they are to you. When you have to tell your child off, tell them that it’s the way they are acting that’s the problem - not them. If something has gone wrong in the family, don’t let your child think that it’s their fault. PREVENTION Keep an eye out for changes in the way they act. Spend time with them and be interested in them. Do you know who your child’s friends are? Be very careful about their access to the Internet and ‘chat rooms’. CONTACTS • CMES (Children Missing Education Service) 01225 394241 • Missing Persons Helpline (24hrs) 0500 700 700 • Message Home (for young people to get a message to their parents) 0800 700 740 • ChildLine 0800 1111 WEBLINKS: • www.missingpeople.org.uk • www.childline.org.uk
The law says that parents must make sure that their children get a proper, full time education and it is against the law if their child does not go to school regularly and on time. Children who miss school are much more likely to have problems with their learning and getting the job or college place that they would like. They will often find it harder to make and keep friends and they are at much greater risk of getting into trouble in and out of school. If they are missing out on school or lessons they are more likely to come across adults or other young people who might want to cause them harm. When children miss school without their parents knowing, it is called truancy. Children who ‘truant’ regularly often do this because they are worried about something. There might be something happening on the way to or from school that is worrying them. They might be being bullied. They might be finding some lessons or subjects too hard (or too easy) or they might be having problems in finishing their homework.
Sometimes, children will not want to leave home because they are worried that their parent might come to some harm whilst they are away. Children from all sorts of backgrounds run away from home for lots of reasons. Many of us will remember planning to run away when we were younger because we felt unable to cope with our problems, or thought that nobody cared about us or because we thought we had been treated unfairly. Usually, if a child does go missing from home, it will be for a very short period - usually until the child thinks that the parents have noticed they are not there. Often, they will turn up at the home of a friend or relative. When children run away, they are not being naughty - they are trying to tell us that they are unhappy or trying to find out just how much we do care about them. If your child goes missing and you don’t know where they have gone, contact the Police.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
I couldn’t understand why my 15-year old daughter’s arms were covered in cuts. When I found out what she was doing, I went mad. She’s just attention seeking isn’t she?
”
Self-harm is a sign of deeper problems Understand the reasons why your teenager self-harms Find out how to help your teenager
Understanding and support Self-harming or hurting yourself can take many forms. This may include: cutting; burning or scalding; hitting; picking skin; head banging against a wall or other object or taking an overdose. According to the charity Samaritans, one in ten young people self-harm and girls are more likely to self-harm than boys. While the aim is to hurt, it is not usually to kill themselves and it may carry on for years without getting any worse.
WARNING SIGNS Look out for injuries such as cuts, burns, scalds or bruises. Your child may try to hide them from you. ACTION Try to find out if your child is self-harming. Think of reasons why they might be doing this so that you can talk through problems and find out ways of dealing with them. WHAT TO SAY You will be upset but try not to judge them, show them you are angry or try to force them to stop. Make time to really listen to them and try to get them to talk about their problems. Suggest they see their Doctor who can get them more help if needed. You could ask your teenager if they would like you to go with them or maybe try talking about things as a family. PREVENTION People who self-harm feel lonely and unloved. Giving your teenager time to talk to you, discussing difficulties they have and letting them know you are there for them will help. Your support will make them feel better about themselves. CONTACTS • ChildLine 0800 1111 • The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline) WEBLINKS: • www.childline.org.uk • www.samaritans.org • www.nshn.co.uk • www.selfharm.org.uk • www.cool2talk.org
People who self-harm often use it as a way of dealing with problems, such as depression, bullying, abuse or feeling unloved. Young people who self-harm say it is a way of being in control and use it to help them cope, as the physical pain takes their mind off their problems. Self-harm is not just about getting attention, as it is most often carried out in private and kept secret from family and friends. What they are doing is a sign that they need help. Those who selfharm usually think badly of themselves and need even more attention and support. Young people who self-harm often do not get help for themselves because they may be worried about what you will think of them and their self-harm. Hurting yourself is a serious problem, even if the person only lightly cuts themselves. A person who self-harms can’t just decide to stop - they need help to get over their problem. Most cases of harming do not lead to death, but
can be a sign that your teenager may be thinking about more serious harm or even suicide. How you can help If you know that your child hurts themselves on purpose it is normal to feel very upset, angry and powerless. Your teenager needs your understanding and support. Listen to what they are telling you without judging them and try not to show you are angry or upset or try to force them to stop. If this is their way of handling problems then other ways of dealing with them need to be found and tried before they can stop harming themselves. Helping them learn to deal with stress and stopping the things that cause them to self-harm in the first place will be more useful. If your teenager finds it difficult to tell you about their feelings try to get them to talk to another family member, friend, teacher, youth worker or social worker. Make sure your child can get first aid supplies to treat injuries and stop infection. If a wound looks serious or your child has taken an overdose, however small, call 999.You should also try to get your child to call you or the emergency services if they ever self-harm and hurt themselves seriously. Try to get your child to talk to their Doctor, who can tell them about other ways of dealing with stress and who can tell them where to get more help. One-toone counselling, support groups and practical support can all help.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Children can feel stressed for many reasons Being bullied at school and parents divorcing are two of the most common Sometimes parents don’t realise they’re putting too much pressure on their child to do well at school
”
Children can pick up on their parents’ worries and get stressed too
When my daughter fell out with her friends at school recently she got really upset and anxious. At first, I wondered what all the fuss was about, then I realised how important friends can be at her age.
”
WARNING SIGNS Warning signs that your child is stressed include: mood swings; trouble sleeping; nightmares; trouble doing schoolwork; stomach aches; headaches; preferring to spend time alone; over reacting to minor problems; starting new habits. ACTION Make sure your child gets enough sleep and healthy food. Exercise can reduce stress, so encourage your child to talk with friends, rollerblade in the park or ride their bike. Show your child how to breathe deeply to de-stress. WHAT TO SAY Your child will find it easier to cope with stress if you talk to them about what’s causing it. Tell them it’s normal to feel stressed now and again, but it’s also good to know how to relax and make yourself feel better when they’re upset. PREVENTION Make time for your child every day so they feel they can talk to you if anything’s worrying them. Look ahead to times when your child might worry, like going back to school after the holidays for example, and talk about the events well in advance. CONTACTS • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 WEBLINKS: • www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Exercise is a great way to reduce stress It’s normal to feel stressed sometimes, but it’s also good to know how to relax
Helping them cope As a parent, you might think that childhood is always a happy and carefree time. Children don’t have to pay bills or have jobs like adults, so what do they really have to worry about? But sometimes children do get stressed and feel anxious, and there are many reasons why this can happen: • They’re being bullied at school. Feeling in danger every day can greatly affect a child’s state of mind. • They’re not getting on with their friends. It’s natural to want to fit in, and falling out with friends can seem like a really important thing to a child. • They’re anxious about moving house or school, or going back to school after the holidays. • A family member, friend or even pet has died. Sometimes, children can blame themselves for these things, even if they had nothing to do with it. Another reason children feel anxious is if their parents divorce or even just fight. When they see their parents arguing it can hurt a child’s sense of security and it can make them feel very alone and frightened. It’s worse when divorced parents make their children choose sides or say hurtful comments about the other parent in front of the child.
Some children worry about school work, tests or exams. It’s perfectly normal wanting your child to do their best, but some parents might not realise they’re putting too much pressure on them to achieve. If you send out the message that your child must do well in tests, it can create too much anxiety for them. It’s also important to be realistic about your child’s abilities - maybe you did well in exams when you were at school, but that doesn’t mean that your child will, too. As a parent, be careful what you say - even when you don’t think your child is listening to you. Sometimes, children overhear parents talking about money worries or problems they’re having at work and they start to feel anxious about these things themselves. You’ll probably be able to help your child when they feel stressed. But if their anxiety goes on for longer than a month, or if it greatly affects how they are at home or their behaviour at school, you might want to speak to their teachers or even ask your Doctor for professional help.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Raise the issues about sex and relationships Talk about sex even if it seems difficult Try not to judge, but let your child know if you think they are ‘at risk’ They will learn by example - through your family’s way of doing things based on your values, culture, faith and belief
Preventative parenting Children and young people learn about sex from magazines, newspapers and friends. Confusing messages put children at risk.
”
WARNING SIGNS Young people will not always tell you if there is something that is worrying them. Let them know that you are there to listen.
Sex education shouldn’t be a oneoff talk. When parents talk openly about sex, teenagers wait until they are older than others before they start having sex and are more likely to use protection. If they know it’s ok to talk about sex and their feelings with you, they are more likely to come to you for help when they need it.
ACTION If you think that your child is having sex make sure that they know where to get the right information. If you think your daughter may be pregnant or if she has told you that she is, make sure she sees a Doctor.
You can’t always stop your teenagers from having sex and many of them will do it anyway. Tell them about sex, pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and how to use protection.
I know my boyfriend loves me really - it’s just that he’s at school too, so it’s a bit difficult at the moment. I never knew you could get pregnant the first time you have sex, mum never told me - I thought it would be alright but it’s not, I just don’t know what to do.
”
WHAT TO SAY Talk to your teenager about birth control. Make your sons know that pregnancy is not just a girl’s problem. PREVENTION Make sure your teenagers know about, and practice, safe sex to prevent unwanted pregnancy and getting sexually transmitted infections. CONTACTS • Your Doctor • NHS Walk in Centre • Connexions 01225 461501 • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 • Family Planning Association 0845 310 1334 • British Pregnancy Advisory Service 08457 304030 • NHS Direct 0845 4647 WEBLINKS: • www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk • www.ccardfreecondoms.co.uk
Hospitals and some pharmacies can provide free Emergency Hormonal Contraception (EHC) to girls 18 years and under. Teenage parents how you can help Some teenage parents stay at home with their own parents after the baby is born. They will need your support but may also want to look after their child in their own way.
make decisions together about their baby. Be there for them, but let them make their own decisions (unless they are putting the baby’s life at risk). Help when you can and make sure they are eating well and sleeping while the baby sleeps. You can help by finding out about local support groups and encourage meeting other teen parents. Getting support There is support and advice for teenage parents on parenting skills, eating well (and feeding your baby well), and returning to education, training or work. If your teenager wants to return to school, college or training, they may need to consider using registered childcare in order to access the full range of benefits available. Contact FIS on 0800 073 1214 to find out more. Things to look out for If they seem tearful, find looking after the baby hard, show little interest in the baby or seem too protective and are not eating or sleeping well, ask for help.
If the parents are no longer a couple encourage the father to see his child and help the parents to
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Young people not going to school is a big problem Try to understand why they are not going to school Missing school affects the chances of getting a good job It is your job to make sure your child goes to school
Are they at school? If your child regularly misses school it can have a big effect not only on your child but also on you, the school and even the community.
”
I had no idea my daughter was skipping school on a regular basis, until they called me about her attendance levels. Now I’m making more effort to be interested in her schoolwork and she feels more supported.
”
WARNING SIGNS Notice what times your child is around, if they should be in school and check up if they say school has allowed them out. You may not even know until you are told by the school or police. ACTION Find out why your child is missing school and talk about any problems such as bullying or fear of failure. Discuss what your child wants for their future and how to reach short-term goals. WHAT TO SAY Talk to your child about any school problems and listen to their worries. Take an active interest in schoolwork or activities such as arts or sports clubs. PREVENTION It is your job to make sure that your child gets an education. Always take an interest in their school life and what they are doing, so your child knows they can talk to you about any problems before they get out of control. CONTACTS • Your child’s school • CMES (Children Missing Education Service) 01225 394241 • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 WEBLINKS: www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.parentscentre.gov.uk • www.ukparentslounge.com
The results of missing school are serious for your child The more schoolwork they miss, the harder it is to catch up and the more likely they are to skip days or even want to drop out. They are missing out on building and keeping friends who are often a real support during the teenage years. Truancy also reaches into the community, as there is a knock-on effect of higher levels of antisocial behaviour and crime. If your teen misses school they are more likely to come across situations where there are drugs or alcohol and are more exposed to other unsafe situations. It is a problem when parents allow their child to miss school? Some parents need their child’s support at home more than others, perhaps they have an illness or other younger children at home. Any time away from school, even for a short family holiday can affect their education. Please consider the unspoken message you might give your child if you let them think it is acceptable to miss school.
How to stop truancy If truancy is a problem, you need to find out why they want to miss school. They may find school frightening, lack self-confidence, feel they are failing or maybe they are being bullied. If you are struggling to get your child to attend school, please let the school know. The school provides a range of support for parents on tackling attendance problems. Once you understand the causes, it may be easier to get your child to return to school. Make sure your child understands the importance that education and going to school everyday has on their future. Take an interest in what happens during their school day and with homework. Praise them when they do well and listen to any concerns they may have. Talk to teachers about how they are getting on. Attendance and the law Parents of school age children must provide education for their children either by attendance at school or by other means. Where a child fails to attend, without reasonable excuse, the local authority has the power to refer the child to the children’s panel or prosecute the parents.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Protecting children is everybody’s business Adults have a responsibility to report abuse Consider offering some support if you are worried If in doubt share your concerns Reporting concerns rarely leads to a child being removed Act now - any abuse is damaging for children
Should you mind your own business?
”
Everyday I hear the child next door crying, her parents are always shouting at her. Yesterday, in the street, I saw her mother hit her hard across the side of the head. This is probably none of my business but I am worried and not sure what to do.
”
WARNING SIGNS There are many possible signs of abuse, ranging from injury to changes in the way a child is acting. You could see something happen or a child may tell you that he or she is being hurt. ACTION If you think that a child has been hurt, contact the Duty Social Worker or the Police. If you are not sure, you can speak to a helpline such as the NSPCC and your call will be kept private. WHAT TO SAY Explain exactly what you have seen or been told. If you can, keep a note of dates, injuries and the exact words used. These will help you. PREVENTION Make sure your child knows who they can share worries with if and when they need to. Listen carefully to children and notice any changes in them. CONTACTS • NSPCC 0808 800 5000 • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 • ChildLine 0800 1111 • Family Rights Group (National) 0800 731 1696 WEBLINKS: • www.nspcc.org.uk • www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.childline.org.uk • www.frg.org.uk
All parents have problems at times but can be helped by other family members or close friends. If someone you know is having difficulties, you could: • Listen to their problems. • Help them cope. • Encourage them to get more help. • Support them by babysitting or doing shopping. There may be times when a child is at risk of harm and you need to get help. How would you want other people to act if your child was being harmed? When we think, see or are told about a child that is being hurt we can react in many different ways. We may feel guilty, angry, or shocked. Some people’s reactions can stop help getting to a family who need it.
Many people do not tell because they fear that: • Children will get hurt more. • They believe that nothing will be done. • They believe that the child would be taken away. • They worry that the family may find out who reported them. • Telling may ruin family relationships. In truth, it is best that action is taken early to stop things getting worse. Long-term abuse is much more likely to cause problems for a child as they get older. Even if you think something is just a one off, other agencies may already have concerns about the child. Your information could be very important. If you report your concerns to Social Services, you will be asked for your details and details of the worries you have. You should write down what you want to say before you speak to them so that you can remember everything.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
”
Living with our disabled son is a challenge, but we wouldn’t be without him. He brings our whole family so much joy.
”
Disabled children have the same concerns as any other children Encourage your child to meet people Find out about local activities for the disabled Meet your child’s educational needs
You’re not alone If you have a child with a disability, becoming a teenager can be tough for them and tough for you. It’s important to know there is support available to make things easier.
WARNING SIGNS Your teenager might start to feel more self-conscious about what they look like. They may also feel left out if their friends are becoming more independent and they can’t. ACTION Try to build up their confidence - encourage them to find hobbies they enjoy and things they’re good at. Also, get them to do as much as they can for themselves. WHAT TO SAY Reassure your disabled teenager that you love them and are proud of them. Focus on the things they can do, not the things they can’t. PREVENTION Help them find out about the laws that protect the rights of people with disabilities - the Disability Discrimination Act 2005 and the Disability Rights Commission Act 1999. These laws mean that disabled people have the same rights as everyone else in important areas like education, transport and work. CONTACTS • Equality and Human Rights Commission 0845 604 6610 • Contact a family 0808 800 3555 • Transitions Information Network (TIN) TIN@ncb.org.uk WEBLINKS: • www.equalityhumanrights.com • www.cafamily.org.uk • www.myfuturechoices.org.uk
Young people worry about what they look like, and want people their age to accept them. This might be hard for your disabled teenager, especially if they look or act differently to others. They might feel left out if they can’t do things their able-bodied friends are doing - going out in the evenings, learning to drive or meeting boyfriends or girlfriends. They might also start thinking more about what the future holds for them. All these things mean your disabled teenager will need extra support and understanding from you. You can help them grow into a confident adult by encouraging them to do as much as they can for themselves, wherever possible. Help for parents If you have a disabled child, there’s a lot to think about, including health care, education and special equipment. There are benefits available, such as Disability Living Allowance, which can pay for things like help at home, travel and meals. Looking after a disabled teenager can be exhausting and you may want to chat to other parents in the same situation. Support
groups can help - see ‘Contacts’ for how to find one. Sadly, disabled people are sometimes treated differently from others, and they are more likely to be bullied or abused than able-bodied people. In some cultures, people with disabilities are seen as less important. But disabled people have the same rights as everyone else, and it is important your teenager knows that you value and respect them. Getting an education Not all parents think it’s important to educate their disabled teenager. Some don’t think their child will ever be able to work, so education is useless. Other parents don’t want to draw attention to their child’s disability in case it affects another son or daughter’s chances of getting married. But if your child gets a good education it can improve their chances later in life, whatever their disability. There are good schools for people with special needs, but many disabled students do well as mainstream schools and colleges, too. The rest of the family Living with a disabled teenager affects the whole family. Parents tend to give a disabled child lots of time and attention, meaning brothers and sisters can feel ignored. So try to set aside time to spend time with all your children, and reassure them that you love them all the same.
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
Helpful national organisations Adfam Advice for Families
and friends of Drug and
Alcohol Users
020 7553 7640
www.adfam.org.uk
Barnardos 020 8550 8822
www.barnardos.org.uk
Beating Eating Disorders 0845 634 1414 (youthline)
0845 634 7650
www.b-eat.com
Brook Advisory Centres 0800 0185 023
www.brook.org.uk
Child Accident Prevention Trust (CAPT) 020 7608 3828
www.capt.org.uk
ChildLine 0800 1111
www.childline.org.uk
Childrens-Legal Centre 01206 872466
www.childrenslegalcentre.com
Contact a Family Supports families caring for
children with a disability or
special needs
0808 808 3555
www.cafamily.org.uk
CRY-SIS Helpline 08451 228 669
www.cry-sis.com
Day Care Trust 020 7840 3350
(parents helpline)
www.daycaretrust.org.uk
Family & Friends of Lesbian & Gays (FFLAG) 0845 652 0311
(Central helpline)
www.fflag.org.uk
Family Planning
Association (FPA)
0845 122 8690 (helpline)
www.fpa.org.uk
Family Rights Group 0800 731 1696
www.frg.org.uk
Kidscape 08451 205 204
(Parents bullying helpline)
www.kidscape.org.uk
National Alcohol Helpline 0800 917 8282
National Domestic
Violence Helpline
0808 2000 247
www.womensaid.org.uk
www.refuge.org.uk
National Drugs Helpline
(FRANK)
0800 77 66 00
www.talktofrank.com
NHS Direct 0845 4647
www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk
NSPCC 0808 800 5000
www.nspcc.org.uk
One Parent
Families/Gingerbread
0800 018 5026
www.gingerbread.org.uk
Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Police (in an emergency) 999
Royal Society for the
Prevention of Accidents
(RoSPA)
0121 248 2000
www.rospa.co.uk
Samaritans 08457 90 90 90
www.samaritans.org
Sexwise 0800 28 29 30
www.ruthinking.co.uk
Victim Support 0845 30 30 900
Youth Justice Board for
England & Wales
020 7271 3033 (enquiry line)
www.yjb.gov.uk
YoungMinds 0800 018 2138
(Parents Information Service)
www.youngminds.org.uk
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE
www.bathnes.gov.uk
Cert no XXX-XXX-000
BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
BACK TO CONTENTS PAGE