Herding
Goofballs
Presidential Circumstances BY JOSH FARNSWORTH ILLUSTRATION BY KIRA BEAUDOIN
A
s a parent, it’s the ultimate brag, right? The crème’ de la braggy crème. Imagine your child as President of the United States. Oh, the annoying amount of stories you will tell everyone for the rest of your life. It’s a projection we all float out there for our kids. We want them to know they can be anything if they work hard and set their minds to it. This job, however, comes with its fair share of hurdles to clear, but it’s a fun one to think about. The qualifying age for this job is 35, which puts my oldest on a trajectory for the 2048 election cycle, while my youngest will have to wait until 2052. Plenty of time to preorder the lawn signs and bumper stickers. But with so much animosity and tension with our two-party system, maybe we consider them right now for a write-in campaign. You’ll need to know where they stand on many of the important issues of the day. So, I asked them. May I present to you, your alternate candidates’ platforms… First 100 Days As president, what would be your first decision? Cooper: I would buy a dog and take it to love at the White House. Milo: I would want to learn about the states. Analysis: I think a dog brings a certain sense of stateliness and responsibility. Nice way to set a tone. As for the states, we all need to know who we govern, right? Let’s figure out Montana a little more, am I right? Gun control Cooper: Lots of Nerf guns for everyone. Milo: Yeah, what Cooper said.
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Analysis: Statistics have yet to show if foam weapons can curb crime, but maybe a fun afternoon with these toys can bring people together and forget about turning to a life of crime. Foreign policy How would you work with other countries? Cooper: I would take over the other countries and boss them around. That way we can all work together. Milo: It would not be fair to other countries to boss them around, Cooper! Analysis: Whoa, whoa Coop, maybe a tad too aggressive. If running against each other, this would make for a very interesting debate topic to sink our teeth into. Not sure how I feel about strong-arming Belgium into a single policy, but the heart is all there. I promise it is, Belgium. Party affiliation Cooper: The President’s Party Milo: Iron Man Party Analysis: Cooper’s party name is a little on the nose, but the marketing writes itself. As for Milo, just go ahead and vote against Iron Man and call yourself an American. He dares you! Health care What is the most important thing about the health of Americans? Cooper: If they get sick, take care of them. Milo: Call the doctors and tell them to please take care of people who get sick. Analysis: Isn’t it nice when two candidates can directly agree on an issue? Sometimes the answers are simpler than we make them out to be. Economy What would you do to make sure the economy is working well?
Cooper: Buy 151 video games for everyone! Milo: Have everyone eat together and then have a pie fight! Analysis: Going to think all the video game companies are going to be voting Cooper big time in 2048. Smells like a special interest group to me (Super PACMAN?). I do believe breaking bread together more often would help mend relationships. When you start throwing baked goods, though, lots of good will be going ‘splat’. Fun times, though. Education Cooper: I want to make sure kids learn about things like slime, how to raise the Titanic and stuff like that. Milo: Have the kids learn about the states. Analysis: I have to say that a pro-slime, pro-doomed-ships platform shows some range in terms of exploring science and history. And yes, if you cannot
guess by now, my youngest is very interested in what states are, what they are called and onward. It will be in his talking points for sure. If truth be told, answers from 4- and 7-year-olds will be honest more than anything else. Maybe they won’t get enough votes by the time the election is finalized this November. That said, they are two of the millions upon millions who will inherit positions of leadership over the following generations. That means me, as a parent, modeling as much honesty, character and taking responsibility from now until Election Day will be crucial presidential bid or not. To Cooper and Milo: if you fall short of this job, no worries. If you develop honesty, character and responsibility, you will become leaders. And that is something to brag
about. To my readers: Didn’t like what these candidates had to offer? First, how dare you! Secondly, get out there and vote this time and next time and every other time. After all, one vote may be the difference between a slime-filled curriculum with unexpected pies in your face and what you want. Vote Farnsworth 2048 and 2052. I’ll have the lawn signs ready. Josh Farnsworth is a husband, father of goofballs Cooper and Milo, goofball himself, and awardwinning writer and columnist living in Worcester. He can be reached for column ideas at josh. farnsworth@ yahoo.com.
