Cat-astrophe Awaits

By: Rhiannon Saegert

There’s a clear threat to our way of life in Oklahoma and it’s got whiskers, four paws and absolutely no regard for your plans, knick knacks or peace of mind.

That’s right. While the mainstream media have ignored them, Felis Catus, or the domestic cat, have pounced on the opportunity and are now in a position to completely overtake humans in a matter of years, if not months. Don’t be fooled by their antics, their soft fur or their compelling internet presence. If there’s one thing cats are good at, it’s finding the exact right moment to strike.

With their huge eyes and heart-melting meows, cats are masterful manipulators as well as deadly hunters. It’s no wonder that so many Oklahomans make themselves unwitting targets by allowing these interlopers into their homes, feeding them, petting them, picking up after them and letting them knock over like, everything. According to Statista dot com, American households reported owning 95.6 million cats this year. Considering that Spayokc dot org reports 47 percent of surrendered cats weren’t spayed or neutered, Oklahoma is just asking to be subdued under the iron paw of a kitty cat coup.

First, it’s important to note the various absurd weaknesses cats possess. Their aversion to water is well-known, as is their lack of opposable thumbs. They often seem to forget when food is already available to them and beg any gullible humans around for more, as if starving. They can hunt in packs, but just as often pick fights with each other for no clear reason and are generally too unpredictably weird to work with each other toward a common goal for long periods of time.

Doors can be useful in stopping a cat, but it is often reported that the resulting wailing and scratching makes this tactic inadvisable, so only do this as a last resort. What should be an endearing little ball of neurosis has quickly proven to be something much more sinister.

Seeing as the state has been slow to act against this mouse-chasing menace, it’s hard to estimate how much time we have until we’re overwhelmed. However, we can make some educated guesses. According to the Fayette Humane Society, based in Georgia, one pair of cats and their kittens can produce up to 420,000 kittens in 7 years. In 2012, The American Veterinary Medical Association found that 32.6 percent of Oklahoman households own cats in 2012. Considering the census lists 1,461,500 households in Oklahoma, 32.6 percent of them own cats and 47 percent of those cats probably weren’t spayed or neutered, that makes 223,931 cats, and that’s just the ones that we know of. That’s 35 Oklahoman ankles a piece for every single one of those adorable killing machines to sink their claws into when we least expect it.

But it doesn’t stop there. Oh no, that’s only the beginning. Those cats represent roughly 111,965 pairs that can produce so many kittens in 7 years that we humans, with our 40 hour work week and our adorable but fairly useless offspring, will be overrun before we can even think of grabbing a spray bottle. Much like a cute, fluffy monster from a beloved 60s sci-fi franchise, we will soon be overtaken by an incomprehensible, exponential number of kittens that my calculator couldn’t even comprehend, let alone my fragile human mind. (Seriously, I got an “e” in the answer. That’s not even a number!)

So don’t panic or anything, but there’s likely nothing we can do to prevent this incredibly adorable Armageddon. Still, it’s productive to think of ways we might we defend ourselves from the incoming feline flood. It’s too late to stop it, but with the strategies outlined here, we stand a chance:

• More dogs.

• Cover the state capitol building in tin foil. They just hate that stuff for some reason.

• Support Trap, Neuter, Release programs like those in Oklahoma City and Tulsa.

• Legalize catnip.

• If you’re already being held cat-ptive, make sure to get your cat spayed or neutered.

• Construct a giant plastic bag and let a tornado shake it so violently that all the cats get scared off.

• Donate to local Containment Facilities, a.k.a “shelters.”

• Take one for the team and adopt a cat, just for the sake of keeping them all accounted for.

• Keeping reading this magazine.

• It’ll help, trust me.

• Move every pair of black dress pants in the state to Texas. It’s their problem now.

Saergert is a guest contributor to TXDM.