The Heights March 26, 2018 (The Depths)

DEPTHS

THE

The Depths-UAW (pending) newspaper of Boston(‘s) College

MONDAY, MARCH 26, 2018

EST. 1919 WWW.BCDEPTHS.COM

Class of 2022 Disappointed to Find No Wizards Drunk Idiot Multiple reports of confusion among prospective freshmen have surfaced following the release of a Hogwartsthemed promotional video. It wasn’t until they visited campus that they realized the administration had taken significant liberties in their portrayal of life at Boston College.

“In hindsight, it makes a lot of sense—how could they have kept it secret this long?” said Jack O’Connor, who was accepted into the Carroll School of Management last December.

“But I also heard that the headmistress was mysterious and rarely-seen, which sounded a lot like Dumbledore.”

“I was really excited by the opening shot of that newspaper with the moving pictures,” Nick Kearns, who was admitted to the Morrissey College of Arts and Sciences, said. “But when I asked around at Admitted Eagle Day,

none of them had even heard of The Heights. I guess the whole thing was just for show.”

A surprising number admitted that their familiarity with J.K. Rowling’s best-selling young adult novels had led to some faulty assumptions, including problems purchasing school supplies.

“It would have been nice if the video contained a disclaimer at the end or something,” O’Connor said. “Anyway, do you know what the return policy is for frogs and rats? Turns out BC has a much stricter pet policy than Hogwarts.”

Other students were relieved to learn that they would be receiving a traditional liberal arts education rather than jumping into a world full of dementors, basilisks, and genocidal sorcerers.

“I was never a huge fan of the books,

Kicked out of Dance Show

but wasn’t Hogwarts really dangerous?” said Kate Jones, who is now reconsidering her decision to attend Boston University. “I think students died like every year—and the Death Eaters were definitely torturing kids at end.”

“Students at Hogwarts were always discriminating against their Muggleborn peers, and nobody seemed at all concerned about the treatment of house elves,” said Isabelle Snyder, an incoming Connell School of Nursing student.

“I’m glad that I’ll be going to a school where diversity and social activism will be a priority.”

The University apologized for the confusion and announced the launch of a new “Defense Against the Dark Arts” course, which will teach students how to avoid the free condom tables set up in front of McElroy Dining Hall and Boyden Park. 

Talented dancer’s boyfriend is “a really nice guy.”

University Pres. Can’t Stop Watching ‘Love, Simon’ University President Sr. Wilhelmina Fahey missed work every day last week, which she said was due to a grass-related allergy. But one Boston College sophomore told The Depths that this likely isn’t the reason that she has been missing school.

When John Ervey, CSON ’19, went to the movies last Friday to see Love, Simon, the Hollywood blockbuster that chronicles a teenager’s coming out story, he noticed a strikingly familiar figure sitting in the front row—someone who he would never actually see at BC, but is constantly brought up in conversation. It turns out that this

figure was Fahey.

“I was shocked to see Fahey at this movie for two reasons,” Ervey said.

“For one, I’ve never actually seen her on campus, and wasn’t really sure if she even existed in the first place. Also, I didn’t think Catholics liked the gays.”

Turns out, since the movie came out on Friday, March 16, Fahey has reportedly seen it 13 times. She feels that it reminds her of her “golden years,” before she gave herself up for God. “Once I saw Love, Simon, I thought to myself, ‘Damn, those gays aren’t half bad!’” Fahey said. “Simon was such a charming young individual.

“I had to keep seeing it because of the way in which he came out. I mean, talk about setting the world afl ame!

Every time he decided to tell the entire school that he’s gay (Can you believe he did that, by the way?), I got goosebumps!”

She further explained that she ended up seeing the film by accident. Seeking refuge from the toil of sitting in her office all day and discussing financials with wealthy people, she decided to go to the movies, intent on seeing Black Panther. But she accidentally walked into the theater that was showing Love, Simon, and found herself hooked from

the opening monologue.

“Once I started watching it, I just couldn’t stop,” Fahey said. “I didn’t want anyone to know how addicted I was to watching it, so I decided to take the week off and claim that I got sick from too much exposure to grass. I figured that would be believable.”

When asked about current students’ proposals to better the LGBTQ+ experience on campus, such as adding a resource center on campus, Fahey still demonstrated little interest in enacting tangible change.

“A resource center—you’re joking, right?” Fahey said. 

UGBC Meeting Cancelled Due to Echo in Chamber This past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College Student Assembly (SA) postponed a vote on the Resolution to Do Something indefinitely, citing a loud echo in its meeting chamber. The Resolution to Do Something called for any action from the organization to enact any kind—specifically

“literally any kind”—of tangible change on campus.

The resolution was sponsored by Patrick O’Conner, CSOM ’18 (O’Conner’s instagram feed is full of filtered pictures of him attending women’s rallies, antigun rallies, and anti-Trump rallies. Scattered among these images, are pictures

ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO

of O’Conner on his yacht wearing white and smoking cigars), and Tom Dong, CSOM ’18.

“It’s just really hard to get things done, or say anything of substance, when the same thing just gets repeated over and over and over and over again,” said Dong.

“Hopefully our meeting chamber in the new student center won’t have such a bad echo.”

The debate and discussion period, lasting about four hours, was heated and unsubstantial. The action clause of the resolution called on the organization to do “literally any kind of action” and “do something, finally.” However, senators brought up various counter points to why this could be problematic.

Sixteen senators spoke during the discussion period, yet only two different sentences were heard.

“In this resolution, we re-affirm our commitment to doing something to help the student body—we really want to do, like, anything,” nine senators said at vari-

ous points during the meeting.

“I’m not sure that this resolution is inclusive enough to drive home our intention of doing anything for the student body,” the other seven senators said, also at various points during the meeting.

The SA could not reach a decision, and ultimately unanimously voted to postpone the vote on this resolution indefinitely.

UGBC was also forced to table their plans for the week, which solely consisted of putting printers on the Stokes Lawn.

Putting paper in those printers was voted down in a resolution citing environmental concerns. One senator attempted to raise the concern of rain breaking the printers, but she couldn’t be heard over the chamber’s deafening echo.

Administration reactions to the UGBC shutdown were mixed.

“This is the first I’m hearing of UGBC,” said University President Sr. Wilhelmina Fahey, in her first comment to The Depths this millenium. 

After last week’s incident in Robsham Theater in which Chad Fratman, MCAS ’20, was removed from the premises, multiple sources have come forward as character witnesses to clear his name. In the incident, according to the Boston College Police Department, Fratman began the night by stumbling into his chair in the crowded theater and asking the elderly woman seated to his left which dancer he should preposition for a threesome with his current girlfriend, Ashley Johnson, CSOM ’19. After clarif ying which dancer was, in fact, Johnson, Fratman loudly belched a proposal of marriage while removing nine beers from his pants. It is unknown at this time where the beers were stored in said pants.

They were moist.

Following a warning form Robsham attendants, Fratman promptly vomited onto the stage. Not wanting to “waste valuable alcohol,” he then attempted to re-drink the bodily concoction.

(Editor’s note: the alcohol was a warm mixture of week-old Natty Light, several shots of Rubinoff, and half a bar of Xanax.)

Fratman was quickly escorted from the premises, allegedly choosing to proposition the aforementioned elderly woman for a threesome with Johnson instead of another dancer in the performance.

According to character witnesses, however, Fratman simply lapsed in his judgement and should not be condemned due to his Saturday night shenanigans.

“Trust me, Chad is a really great guy,” said Erin Wood, MCAS ’20. “We hung out freshman year one time, and I only felt violated, like, six times.”

Other sources cited Fratman’s propensity for ultimate frisbee, juuling, and remarkable mental gymnastics to justify his Republican voting record as further evidence of the quality of his character.

“C’mon, Chad is a solid dude,” said Dick Long, LSOE ’18. “We’ll just kick it, slam some brewskies, jump off the roof through folding tables, and ignore the women in our life by playing Fortnite.

Solid times.”

“Chad doesn’t deserve the hate,” Johnson said. “He only finishes first in bed, like, 98 percent of the time, and that’s kinda solid. The beer belly is a different story, but how could a pudgy guy catch so much flak? I love him, and he loves having sex with me. What’s wrong with that?” 

BC Dining Employee Swiftly Fired After Forgetting Chips, Pickle While rising sophomores and the larger student body spent last week pulling their hair out over Res Life’s lottery-driven housing selection process, another scandal was brewing in the shadows within the mysterious kitchens of Eagle’s Nest. According to eyewitnesses, a student was seen leaving the panini press station on Monday disillusioned after an employee forgot to offer the customary chips and pickle.

The employee responsible for this violation declined a request for comment after Boston College Dining revealed, through a slide presented on the digital menus, that they met privately to remedy the situation.

The incident shook the BC community, with over 200 students staging a Chip-In rally outside the gates of Eagle’s Nest in order to reinforce their

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

right to high cholesterol and stinky pickle breath.

“When it’s your first day on the job, you’re going to make mistakes,” said a BC Dining representative in regards to the employee actions. “We’re working tirelessly to improve our employee training practices to ensure that students, faculty, and staff receive the healthy food options they deserve access to.”

The employee in question was swiftly sent home and, as of Tuesday, is no longer on the BC payroll. This is not the first time that Eagle’s Nest has found itself at the center of controversy. In the spring of 2014, a squad of food prep workers were seen deliberately crumbling chips with their hands and layering them on top of the paninis instead of beside them.

NEWS: “wHat uNiOn?”

Two people, a man and a woman, can A2 unionize. But not students! Ha!...........

This time, students were more vocal than in the past.

“I feel personally targeted,” revealed the unlucky student who left without chips and a pickle. “How dare they? If I’m denied my right to proper nutrition, I wonder what else will be taken away

foot traffic at Eagle’s Nest has fallen dramatically. Whether this is connected to the debacle has yet to be confirmed. BC Dining management has instituted a new hiring program where students denied chips and a

from me. I will not stand for this.”

Since then,

SPORTS: Ligament Soup

Softball apparently for softies as arm ligaments turn to liquid.............................A3

pickle will be given a job on the spot to replace the guilty employee. Interest is low as the community works through this dark period together, and the administration has made its counseling services available to students struggling to cope. The hope is that things will

return to the way they used to be sooner rather than later. 

INDEX

ALTERNATIVE FACTS...C2 RECREATION.............. B1 Vol. XCIX, No. 10 © 2018, The Heights, Inc. BEANTOWN.................C3 www.bcheights.com

The Depths

C2

TOP

3

things to do on campus this week

1

On Friday, a professor will discuss his most recent book Hey Y’all I Published Something and am Academic and Cool So ... Yeah. The event will take place at 1 p.m. in McGuinn 121 but should probably be held in Stokes 195S.

Monday, March 26, 2018

On Monday night, a student will give a presentation titled “Why My Uncle Dorms With Me on Newton.” The event will be held at 9 p.m. in Fulton 135 but should probably be held in Gasson 305.

2

NEWS MCAS Student ‘Thrilled’ for Core Arts Class BRIEFS

CSOM Honors Student Wants You to Know He Almost Got Into Harvard

Unhinged Pres.

Recklessly Ignoring Counsel of Her Senior Advisers New CSOM Prof.

Patrick Bateman Has Name That’s Psychotically Hard to Place In BC Kickball Game, Grad Student Team Tosses Ball Over Fence So Nobody Can Play Person of the Year: The Graduate Employees Union Straight White Male Student ‘Doesn’t See the Problem’ ‘The NEC’ Sues ‘The Depths’ for “Stealing Our Thing, Bro!”

Contrary to popular belief, students in the Morrissey College of Arts and Sciences are actually thrilled to be taking art classes as a part of their core curriculum. Students see the classes as an opportunity to grow as students, people, and, most importantly, artists.

“I bought the BEST pair of shoes in my last theatre class, it was AMAZING,” Lucille Hearst, MCAS ’69, said. “I always look forward to my class, I just get so much done, and that’s before I even start paying attention to what is happening in class!”

“You know, it definitely requires an adjustment,” David Woster Phallace, MCAS ’69, said. “The first month, you don’t think you have to do any work, then you take an exam and get a 69, it gets scaled to a 76 because everybody else got rocked too except for the

than a real asset to students.

“I actually learned in a group project I did in theatre that one of my fellow students has a spot on Cartman impression that is extremely offensive and that his voice goes significantly higher than mine ever could,” Sarah Thasalius, MCAS ’69, said. “It was weird, but it was valuable information.

Now I can pass that on to other women so we know not to procreate with him.

That’s really important.”

“I really fell in love with painting in my art class,” Gordon Gekkonomics, MCAS ’69, said. “There was this really hot girl in there, so I just painted her like 17 times. I failed the class and had to apologize on national television, and I can’t talk to women anymore, and I was murdered, but it really opened my eyes to a whole new world.” n

Marriage is Only True Union, Fahey Says The Jesuits of Boston College convened in front of the lush flowerbeds of St. Mary’s on Friday demand one thing and one thing only: a Jesuit Employees Union. The Jesuit community—following the lead of BC’s most marginalized community, the graduate students—is demanding bottled, rather than boxed, communion wine, plus a reassessment of the University’s stance on Jesuit celibacy and medical benefits. A berobed representative of the community symbolically hung the list of the 95 Grievances on the Bapst Library facing door of the building with a command hook so as not to tarnish the impeccable finish of the oak door.

“The healing power of Christ is not going to cure my polio,” said Br. Jesus Ignatius, S.J (pronounced Jesus).

“Every time I go to University Health Services, they give me two options for treatment: the medieval practice of bloodletting using leeches or bottles of Holy Water for consumption. I’m not even sure if we are allowed to drink Holy Water. Are we allowed to drink Holy Water?”

Because the issue did not involve racist incidents, homophobic incidents, free speech, University investments in fossil fuel, mental health resources, LGBTQ+ resources, the + in LGBTQ+, disability access on campus, condoms, or the student

body’s general questioning of the University ’s commitment to Jesuit values, University President Sr. Wilhelmina Fahey was available to respond to The Depths’s request for comment. Fahey appeared to misinterpret “union” as a request from the Jesuits for a polygamist, homosexual marriage arrangement.

“As University president, I am called by Christ to represent the values of the Catholic church,” Fahey said. “We simply cannot have a Jesuit union on campus because the Bible explicitly states that unions are between a man and a woman.

John 3:16—it’s right there in plain view.” n

‘Courage to Know’ Prof. Had it up to HERE After once again hearing his students clamor about the course he’s taught for the 17th straight year, The Courage to Know: Exploring the Intellectual, Social and Spiritual Landscapes of the College Experience, professor Pomas Tynchon would make the class regret it.

“They just don’t understand,” he was overheard whispering to himself as he put the finishing touches on the day’s PowerPoint, on the topic of the “intersection between existential maximalism and binge drinking in Upper forced triples.”

“Here I am, ready to connect, nay, encourage their self-destructive behavior, but they always manage to get me so off topic. I know it’s because they trust me, though,” Tynchon said.

As he tried to introduce David Foster Wallace’s commencement address “This is Water,” where Wal-

lace argues one should take on the task of assuming everyone somehow is worse off than they are, a student in The Courage to Know: Exploring the Intellectual, Social and Spiritual Landscapes of the College Experience, asked Tynchon how he can do that when “my best friend has so many better opportunities at Georgetown SFS. And like, his GPA was 0.45 points below me so it’s not even fair.”

Tynchon fumed. This maximalism discussion was his 11th favorite of the semester, and he was not about to lead the class in another round of “look, I know BC is consistently the third-best Catholic school but does Georgetown have The Courage to Know: Exploring the Intellectual, Social and Spiritual Landscapes of the College Experience?” They. Do. Not. “Friends,” Tynchon began, “in the

end, those who went to Georgetown or Notre Dame or Cornell will return to dust, just like us. As we turn to page 792 of Wallace’s Infinite Jest, I implore you to write a concise response to to the question, “What does this suggest about the opportunities presented to us?” Tynchon reminded his students—as he does when assigning every response—that to get credit, all they must do is write five double-spaced lines, preferably in English, in the remaining 36 minutes of class.

“I know I ask a lot of them, but I believe that in The Courage to Know: Exploring the Intellectual, Social and Spiritual Landscapes of the College Experience, I have to push my students—my friends, my peers, my colleagues—to be the very best folks for others that they can be” Tynchon told The Depths by handwritten letter done in calligraphy. n

POLICE BLOTTER: 3/21/18 – 3/27/18 Wednesday, March 21 8:04 p.m. - A report was filed regarding seizures due to nicotine withdrawl. The student reported losing his juul.

Thursday, March 22

FBI On Campus as Part of Russia Probe

five students who actually care about their future, and then you kind of bear down.”

“I’m not saying I stayed awake for the entirety of every art history class I took last semester, but I can confirm that I was cognizant of what was happening more often than I was when I took public speaking,” a student told The Depths anonymously, for obvious reasons. “I mean, I do need to graduate from here eventually, and I learned a lot more than I thought I would. If I never took art history, I never would’ve known what the difference between an ugly column and a beautiful column was, and that is knowledge that I will cherish forever.”

In the past, the general perception has been that this aspect of the core curriculum was seen more as a bane

12:44 a.m. - A report was filed regarding a break in on Foster street. Tentants

reported leaving their door open, so I guess it doesn’t count. Among the stolen goods includes a rack of Natural Light beer, an inflatable doll, a broken folding table, and a jar of mayonnaise.

12:24 p.m. - A report was filed regarding a protest. Jesus Christ rose again to complain about unlicenced usage of his personal image on campus.

5:01 p.m. - A report was filed regarding chicken cooked to the proper done-ness at Lower Live dining hall. Report was filed due to unprecedented circumstaces.

6:22 p.m. - A report was filed regarding a dispute over ‘who puked on the radiator.’

—Source: The Boston College Satire Department

HeightsHaikus Featuring: Archer

Gay High School Senior Gleefully Plotting 4 Years of Protest Against BC

“Haikus are poems.

But sometimes, they don’t make sense.

Hand sanitizer.”

Archer, we hurtle toward the sweet release of death together. Shhhh... DJ

3

BC will hold a press conference about a swarm of bees that have been chasing students around campus on Monday at 3 p.m. The bees will also be at the press conference. The event will take place in Conte Forum but should probably take place in the laundry room of Williams Hall.

Read Archer’s columns.

He put Niles from ‘Frasier’ in.

He writes funny stuff.

Haikus can be hard.

It’s about Archer Parquette.

You’re welcome - Jacob.

A Guide to Your Newspaper The Depths Mac Dungeon Follow the rat(s).

You’ll find us.

Editor-in-Chief (617) 552-2223 General (617) 552-2221 Admiral (696) 969-6969 Newsies Desk (617) 552-0172 Arts Desk (617) 552-0189 Metropolitan Desk (617) 552-3548 Magazine (kool features) Desk (617) 552-3548 R Thots (617) 552-0515 iPhone Photography (617) 552-1022

Business and Operations General Manager (617) 552-0169 Advertising (617) 552-2220 Business and Circulation (617) 552-0547 Classifieds and Collections (617) 552-0364 The B’Ness Master of Whispers (617) 552-0169

SOMETHING TO SHARE? EMAIL, EMAIL, EMAIL PLZZZ Do you wonder whether or not circles are pushing the cisheteronormative agenda?

Do you think this is newsworthy? Email Cole Dady at news@bcheights.com with a picture of your pants - he’ll tell you if they’re tight enough (they’re not).

Wanna watch silent, BW films from 19191927, ONLY? Call Jacob Schick, Arts Editor. He’s watching every movie ever made, and for the silent ones, he plays ‘Mr. Brightside’ in the background. Email arts@bcheights. com with your favorite remix of the ‘Killers’ classic.

Know something spicy about the University?

When Heidi Dong isn’t busy in O’Neill at 3:57 AM writing (and listening to) OCaml remixes, she sometimes writes about important BC...stuff. Email investigative@ bcheights.com. Bring Juul pods.

Ever wondered what a beefed up sailor looks like?

Well, even if you haven’t, try everything once, right? Also, he wears sunglasses so you can’t trace it back to him. Email DJ Recny, managing@bcheights.com, you’ll regret it 27% of the time, 100% of the time.

Did we mess up? Yeah, probably.

The Depths only comes out once a year, so we won’t run the correction for a while.

Either way, you can direct your complaints to The Depths Deep State, Michael Sullivan and Ryan Heffernan. SEE: Mod 36B, Mac 11-something.

NON-NEWS STUFF

Delivery If for some strange reason you still want print delivered to your home each week, still contact Avita Anand, previous General Manager at gm@bcheights.com.

She doesn’t “generally manage” things anymore now that she’s finding herself in Barcelona.

“Heyyy, do you have an ad for me?”

Please? Contact Mike Rosmarin &c. at (617) 552-2220 Monday through Friday so content editors can continue to underbudget and still get away with it.

The Depths is produced by overworked meddling BC undergraduates who eat far too many Burrito Bowls and listen to a ~lot~ of Elton John, published on (or around) April 1 during the academic year by The Depths (c) 2018. No rights reserved.

DISCLAIMER Pages C1-4 of this March 26 edition are humorous, fictional portrayals of campus life, written in the spirit of April Fool’s Day. Names of “sources” in articles have been changed to maintain ambiguity and humor.

give us money

Monday, March 26, 2018

The Depths

C3

classifieds

Therapy. ‘Massage’ Therapy.

Seeking Sloth Girl

In too Deep

organ donor, desperate

casual Jewish encounter

God, the guilt is overwhelming. But I don’t care.

Promiscuous girl, wherever you are, I’m all alone, and it’s you that I want. Lol. Jk. This is where I’m guilty. C’mon down to Connor town for some grade-A therapy. I’ll ignore you for hours in a tiny office reading stories no one will ever care about, and then give you some solid lovintime: asking if it’s time to drink in a Russian accent and making sarcastic comments about your genitals. Email nellyluvr@me.com.

Were you born in business casual? Are you interested in hearing about a failing newspaper enterprise? Have you seen and been turned on by every Ice Age movie? Are you female, or arguably female? I’m looking for a life-mate to move in with me and keep track of QuickBooks, or whatever. Interested parties should send a resume and cover letter to my secretary at J.P. Morgan. Beware: this HireVue is clothing-optional.

Remember that movie where Kevin Kline is a normal guy who inadvertently becomes the president? Have you ever rocketed to power in a matter of weeks and found yourself in way over your head? Are you looking for someone to managerially edit your ass? Do you need Executive Ass-istance? Interested in spending a lot of time in my bed this Marathon Monday?

I think ou’re just what I needed.

EMAIL SENSUALLYTATTED@AOL.COM

Lung Transplant Needed, tiny asian woman in Boston, Mass. An ideal candidate would have a predisposition for juuling at an absurd volume, complaining about toxic masculinity, and playing the victim card in situations in which he or she put themselves in due to their idiocy. A propensity for sexual tension in the office environment strongly encouraged. If interested, email ERROR@microdong.com.

In search of cynical jewish woman. Short preferred, angry a must. Must have enough guilt for the two of us, because God knows that I don’t have enough. You can never have enough guilt, you feel? I fantisize late at night about graphic design, and will be incorporating Adobe Creative Cloud into our sex lives.

If you need me I’ll be getting moist reading the Crimson’s newsletter. If interested, email adobehoe@heightsislife.com.

fearsome foursome

I am not gay

I want to die

Clean up, Aisle me

Finding a f--k to give

SO MUCH HAIR. Goddamn, I really didn’t think it was possible to have this much hair. Seeking full-time hair re-attacher. Lung cancer! Seeking full time juul pod provider and facilitator of delinquency. My eyes hurt! Seeking new writers because they age me in how many edits I have to make. YEARS OF MY LIFE, I TELL YOU. Also, somebody whose name ryhymes with Hack Yoldman has never had sex. Email copysquad@ help.com for help, or to mock that idiot Hack.

My apologies for cursing, but goddamn I am so good at wearing things. Have you seen how good I am at wearing pants that do not go past my ankle? I look better than George Michael in his prime (unrelated: RIP George Michael). If you want somebody to wear your clothes better than you do—doesn’t have to just be pants—reach out to a professional clothes wearer. Email straightasacircle@hotmale.com.

Oh, hello. Allow me to introduce myself. I am an intellectual who has watched Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over at least one time.

I while away at things. I have an AMC rewards card. I socially dislike Marvel movies, which is incredibly disappointing to the faceless masses who dislike when I post truthful columns. I correctly value The Beatles. Need somebody to watch a movie? Email paymeinwhiskey@aol.com.

So, confession. Plexapalooza was a blast.

Well, more like a stream. But still. My colleauges’ absurd nicotine addiction and ribcrushingly hilarious columns don’t help.

So I’m looking for anybody but a tortoise to just follow me around and remind me.

Like in history class, perfect example. Experience unnecessary, but must be willing to absorb information quickly, descreetly.

Email whereisthemop@p.com.

Do you consider yourself a budding journalist? Great! Come take my place at the editorial meetings so that I can go back to writing an absurd volume of articles. I would rather rail against the ACC and sulk when they beat a one-seed than sit in a tiny-ass office that’s a thousand degrees listening to everyone bitch and moan at terrible ideas about what to editorialize.

Please email hotsauceaward@ihop.com.

Fahey Builds Ark Fearing Spring Rains, Reservoir Provost board twoWants in Students by-two based on EagleBucks, virginity. on Memes “[University President Sr. Wilhemina Fahey] is in all these memes, and I just gotta ask … is it something I did?” Digley said. “I mean, I like grass!

Maybe I’m the one who’s asking for new grass every semester, what do you think of that?”

“I just want students to understand that I get the memes, and I want in.”

Digley did not go so far as to ask for membership in the Facebook meme page, commonly referred to as the place where you can find out just how far you can stretch comedy out of the Wikipedia picture of Fahey. The provost would not confirm or deny whether he had a Facebook profile of his own, but he did say that he enjoys posting a “Crying Jordan” meme whenever anything bad happens to literally anybody.

“All I want is to be the next Crying Jordan,” Digley said. “I’ll do anything, I crave that kind of relevance online.

I’m not in it for the money, I really just want to make people laugh and the best way to do that would be photoshopping a strange picture of me onto as many famous people as possible.”

Fahey declined to comment for this story.

“Literally every time I see her around the office, she just roasts me, ROASTS me, for never being mentioned online. I need this win so badly and cannot really put into words how important this matter is to me, and thus our University.”

“Look, I appreciate Mr. Digley’s respect for the meme game, but he just doesn’t understand the concept at its foundation,” Sarah McWhiteperson, CSOM ’69, said. “You can’t force a meme, then you’re Anne Hathaway at the Oscars. You need to be caught on television doing something that looks strange out of context without looking like you’re trying to on purpose.

“Steve Har vey didn’t sit down with his team and go, ‘How can I do something so ridiculous Twitter is referencing it in two months of real time, which in terms of Twitter-age is 57 millenia.’”

“Twitter ages like dogs if dogs were scientifically experimented on to age at the same speed the Millenium Falcon goes when it’s moving at hyperspeed and the hyperdrive is working correctly,” social media expert and alleged former Napster employee Zark Muckerberg said. “Hey, what’d you think of that Leia scene in The Last Jedi by the way? I have a lot of thoughts.”

Digley is unaffected by these criticisms of his life goals.

“I will not be deterred from pursuing greatness by people who watch Sister Wives, or people who grew up on Jersey Shore. I may have grown up in a different media era, but so did Fahey and I am gonna catch that motherf---er if it’s the last thing I do.” n

MEMES

After a harsh, snowy winter, New England is expected to get slammed by torrential downpours this spring.

Not only will the Boston area experience nonstop sleet and freezing rain, it will also encounter remorseless monsoons, which will prove to be extremely detrimental to the neighborhoods of Brighton, Newton, and Chestnut Hill. The Chestnut Hill Reservoir is predicted to flood a full 6.9 feet over the usual watermark, creating dangerous amounts of runoff

throughout the Boston College Campus and surrounding areas.

BC’s Upper Campus will be safe from the floods, but Middle and Lower Campus will be completely ravaged by the monsoons. University President Sr. Wilhelmina Fahey, W.O.A.T. has stated that the Boston College Office of Emergency Management, with the help of BCPD and the 50 Jesuits who reside on campus, are presently building an ark to save students who live on Lower. Students must board the ark two-by-two based on financial status, number of Vineyard Vines Shep Shirts, how many EagleBucks they have left, housing pick times, and how many times they’ve been to Mass in the past year.

The Commonwealth Avenue Direct ark will run from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Monday through Friday and will run from College Road to Lower. It will also make stops at 2000 Comm. Ave. and the Reservoir T Stop.

In addition to creating the ark, Boston College will be installing approximately 1863 Dyson Airblade hand dryers to keep the grass from becoming too saturated. If all the grass floats away—or worse, dies—it will cost the institution approximately $80,000,000 in repairs. Fahey also plans to buy backup grass in preparation for future grass-destroying natural disasters. Unfortunately, the fertilizer used year-round on the grass will be floating in the floodwater, which is

predicted to reach 15 feet high in some areas around the Mods. This will contaminate the water, which is home to many strains of algae and bacteria, as well as the Loch Ness Monster (which was spotted in the Reservoir earlier this year). Of course, even contaminated, this floodwater will still be safer to drink than the tap water on College Road. n

RubHub Condoms to Go Public at $69 a Share Admin not interested in hearing about your sex life.

RubHub, the Boston based public condom distribution company founded

by Boston College senior Clifford Ratherford, MCAS ’18, has announced plans for an initial public offering (IPO), valued at $69 per share.

Ratherford hopes that the IPO will allow RubHub to spread its services to universities across the country, especially Jesuit Catholic institutions, who consistently seek to thwart students efforts to have sex safely.

In response, the BC Administration has released an exclusive statement to The Depths on its stance on RubHub: “It has come to the attention of this administration that RubHub was created directly in response to our posi-

tion against distributing condoms to the Boston College student body.

“Here’s the thing: We get it. You guys f—k. And that’s fine! We’re fine with it! Sex is an important part of many people’s lives, and although we are a Jesuit, Catholic institution and hold the position that you all should keep it in your pants until you put a ring on it, we absolutely understand that your personal choices are your personal choices, and we don’t want to stand in the way of them beyond providing you with our position and the reasoning behind it.

“On the other hand, if you guys want to bang, can you please leave us out of it? Look, we’re adults, we understand that there’s a time in everybody’s life that they feel like they need to brag to everybody about how much sex they’re having, but we, collectively, are far past the stage where we want to hear about it.

“Like, congrats on the sex, that’s

great. We’d love for you to practice safe sex, we obviously aren’t really condom people—we’re marriage people—but by all means if that’s your priority we’re happy for you to go about it safely. But do you have to basically grab us by the shoulders and scream ‘I am having intentionally casual, non-procreative sex for the purpose of carnal pleasure and nothing more and I want you to help me!’?

“That’s super weird. Please stop. We would like to remove ourselves from this narrative.

“One other thing: When you place an order from RubHub, a company we in no way support, please stop taking screenshots of your receipt and sending it to us. We don’t need receipts on how much you claim to be getting it on, again, we do not care and we are specifically asking you to take care of that on your own time. Leave us out of it. Please. For the love of God.” The Undergraduate Government

of Boston College has said that its leadership will be setting up a table in McElroy Commons where, when presented with a condom receipt by a student, representatives will distribute fist bumps. This is in response to the 94 percent student support of the resolution on this year’s election ballot, which asked if students would like fist bumps for condom purchases.

The University has also come out against the practice.

“Look, we can’t stop you from fist bumping, but again, why can’t you do this when nobody is looking in your own dorm or at a dining hall or something,” a separate, equally as aggravated statement reads. “Please, just not where like admitted students roll in. This table is going to be in front of the bookstore, are admitted Eagles really looking to buy a sweatshirt and then see a bunch of CSOM bros hi-fiving UGBC reps over condom purchases?

“That’s just ridiculous.” n

Sorry Guys: Res Life Trying ‘As Hard As We Can’ Office cites studies showing mediocore GIFs lower stress.

Boston College’s Office of Residential Life, the entity, sat down with The Depths for an exclusive interview this past [redacted] to discuss the controversy surrounding this year’s housing placements.

“Listen,” the office said. “We didn’t ask to be the office for a college that was basically built on a few hills with the intention of being a commuter school. We heard that BU is literally an entire city. The whole thing! We’re like a corner jammed onto the side of a city that’s really a town next to a reservoir that definitely may or may not be the sole parent of the entire species of roseate spoonbills.”

At various times this housing season, the office has come under fire for not giving certain people exactly the pick time they wanted, depriving certain people of berths in the Mods, depriving certain people of eightmans, depriving an entire class of housing, depriving incoming students living on upper the community-building experience that definitely exists on Newton and isn’t made up, and

personally holding a vendetta against every single undergraduate student who goes to BC. “Not a single one of those complaints is original,” the office said.

“You think you’re the first student to discover it sucks to live in Greycliff?

Congratulations, get in line behind literally thousands of people who came before you.”

“Also, on the Mods, those pieces of shit were supposed to be temporary.

There are actual dorms, and yet you all want to live there. What’s the deal?

We built you an entire dorm in 2150 that is brand new and is supposed to be beloved, and you idiots choose it last because you want to hang out in tiny red houses filled with the sludge and body fluids of previous BC alumni.

“Hey, have you ever considered y’all might be the problem here? Why don’t less of you go here? Why don’t you think about what WE have to do?

We have Twitter mentions! They’re awful!”

Imagine having somebody point out that you have terrible ankle acne every single day. That’s what reading through ResLife’s mentions is like: having extraordinarily specific, angry insults hurled your way that you get a notification for every time.

“Why do students think we want to deprive them of the living accommodations found at The Four Seasons?

We don’t! We’d love to put you up in a suite with Ryan Reynolds serving your every need, but guess what, Ryan Reynolds is Deadpool, and we have Walsh and literally nothing better to offer. We’re trying as hard as we can, we swear. If you have mice, contact somebody else about it. A mouse paralyzed my cousin in a fight to

death—we have problems too.”

In the end, the Office of Residential Life really just would like students to calm right the f—k down.

“You guys need therapy,” the office said. “We know life is hard, but what did we ever do to deserve being accused of closing Agoro’s? We’re not a person! We’re literally an office! Leave us alone, go back to asking for a snow day on your goddamn meme page, nobody cares.” n

C4 MONDAY, MARCH 26, 2018

Arts, ‘News,’ Sp0rts

@DEPTHSSPORTS

Doyle: Ligaments in My Arm “No Longer There” were caught off guard when her and head coach Anita Olereud announced she’d return to the mound to polish off the series sweep. After all, she had already piled up over 100 innings on the year—and the first month of the season wasn’t over.

Doyle confirmed an initial postgame report that the ligaments meant to attach her shoulder to her arm were “no longer there,” having torn and slowly disappeared over four years and 3,000-plus career innings ago.

The arm swayed in the wind as she addressed the media from outside her dugout, but she struck a more-thanoptimistic tone.

“I’m feeling really good about going

out there tomorrow and competing,” Doyle said. “I really think we can sweep this series and be in good position down the stretch.

“I’m fully ready to go the distance again and do whatever my team needs me to do.”

The impressively high pitch counts are nothing new to fans of Doyle, who have followed her from the pedestrian 30-start, 200-inning freshman campaign to this point in her career.

“She’s just a workhorse, you know?”

Olerud posed in her postgame conference. “We just really know that game in and game out, she will just keep pitching and it doesn’t really matter where her pitch count is at.”

Ultimately, it’s likely Doyle will start the final 30 games, potentially only throwing six of the seven innings against assorted opponents, per Olerud. As for life after Doyle?

“We have a promising recruit coming in,” the Eagles head coach said. “She’s got a nice, fresh, young arm that we really think we can turn to right off the bat.

“I’m expecting even more usage as a freshman than [Doyle] back in 2015.”

At press time, Doyle had yet to allow a run—but BC was locked in a scoreless, 18-inning affair. Doyle had thrown almost 400

Confused Frosh Loves Carney

BC Tests oUT New Universal Alcohol Policy

Because let’s get real: men and women for others just want to get trashed in a Mod at 10 a.m. on game days.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this kid? Who knows.

Maybe he works for The Heights and it scrambled his brain.

New Director of Athletics Marvin McLovin is ready to change the game.

McLovin received rave reviews after adding alcoholic beverages to concessions last fall, and is ready to expand his innovative program.

“I’m happy to announce that Boston College is prepared to provide its students with the alcoholic drinks they desire, not just during game days, but on all days, regardless of age,” McLovin said at a press conference yesterday.

The new policy is the first of its kind. Students on the Heights will simply need a valid Eagle ID in order to purchase just about any drink they desire.

McLovin’s tentative plan is to have student-athletes themselves personally deliver the alcohol to their peers around Main Campus in order to bridge the divide between athletes and their fellow classmates.

McLovin, realizing that this policy puts Newton freshmen at a distinct disadvantage, has made sure everyone is given an equal opportunity to get trashed. The plan is to have buses travel from Stuart to the Hillside Cafe, located next to the Boston College Police office, where students can pick up their alcohol directly. The buses will conveniently run from the hours of 6 to 10 p.m. Thursday through Saturday, rain or shine.

"It's what St. Ignatius would want," McLovin said. 

UGBC Rejects Carney Student Center Proposal “We don’t want that,” said UGBC spokesman Gerrod, citing nasty ‘eeeeeewwwwwww.’

Boston College’s gaping lack of a student center—a place where students can organize, hang out, or do homework outside of their dorms or classrooms—has been a hot-button issue over the past few years. Students have been complaining for decades.

Most recently, candidates running for the Undergraduate Government of Boston College built an entire campaign on this platform.

In an unexpected turn of events, the University administration has actually responded to student demands. It was not in the way that some students had hoped, however. John

Johnson, vice president of student affairs, made a statement addressing UGBC’s demands.

“Too long has the administration been silent on this important issue,” Johnson said. “After much discussion, Boston College is proud to offer Carney Hall as the new student center!”

Members of UGBC were less than enthused, however. After a 15-minute conversation over Facebook messenger among the members of the Student Assembly, a newly appointed spokesperson, Smith Gerrod, MCAS ’19, for UGBC responded.

“I mean, it’s nice that they offered

to give us Carney as a student center,” Gerrod said. “But, it’s Carney. We don’t want that.”

After years of discussion and angry comments on Facebook articles posted by The Depths, this response came as some surprise. The Depths reached out to Gerrod for comments as to why UGBC came to this decision.

“Well, everyone knows that Carney is pretty nasty. It’s nastier than Mac [McElroy Commons] even. Like eeww,” Gerrod said in a Twitter DM. “We’d rather just wait for a better offer.”

This refusal has come at a turbu-

lent time in the construction schedule of BC. The University is already a year into its construction of the new recreational complex, and has also begun construction on a new athletic facility for a traditionally marginalized group on campus—student athletes.

Gerrod was quick to provide alternative options that UGBC suggests the University pursue.

“They could do something on Brighton Campus right? What’s there? How about a student center?”

Gerrod yelled at us across Stokes Lawn. “Or even like where the old Plex is?” 

Macaroni Art Thrives in Basement of Mac In a tiny corner of McElroy Commons’ sub-basement, the Craft Club of Boston College has set up its fifth gallery in as many days. This gallery features the works of BC students involved in the club, who have been working to balance the demands of their art and their busy school schedules.

This gallery (and its four predecessors that have all been displayed in the past week) features artistic creations

OUTSIDE

SPORTS

by students in the medium of macaroni art. Using the highest quality of materials—badly torn construction paper, Elmer’s glue sticks, and dry Kraft macaroni—these students have really just tried their best.

The Depths reached out to the head of the Craft Club, Stacy Fettuccine, MCAS ’19, for comment as to why the club has been forced to set up multiple galleries over the course of a week.

“Well, the art is made of dry pasta, and the mice in Mac keep eating it,” Fettuccine said in an Oovoo call. “We have to keep making the art over and over again, and the mice keep eating it, over and over again.”

Walking around the dusty and dank sub-basement, viewers are assaulted by the smell of mouse droppings, and the sweat of hard-working Craft Club members. The patter of feet can be heard scurrying through

FOOTBALL: Coach Berazio Sports Hair!

the walls. The art is fine, if a little chewy.

Fettuccine also made reference to unsubstantiated claims that some art had been stolen by employees of BC Dining for use in tomorrow’s pasta toss. Although no proof has surfaced of said allegations, glitter has been seen scattered amongst the artichoke hearts populating the pasta toss station. Boston College Police Departmet is investigating. 

BASKETBALL: Britney to join team

The pop sensation, citing ‘untapped altheltic The ultimate ‘guy being a dude’ was spotted on campus Thursday afternoon with a crisp fade.................................M 6 potential,’ will utilize NCAA eligibility at BC.............. F 9

pitches and was looking to not only secure the series sweep, but claim her historic 100th career complete game. 

X X X X X X X X X X

After hurling a pair of 200-pitch, complete game efforts against ACC foe Notre Dame, Boston College softball senior ace, Jamie Doyle, told reporters she was “excited’ and “ready to start” the third game of the series—despite her right arm dangling limp at her side, by all appearances no longer completely attached to her body.

Doyle worked through some early struggles before hunkering down to secure back-to-back wins, by final scores of 12-8 and 9-6. Errors plagued the right-hander early, forcing her to battle back time and time again—she accumulated 16 strikeouts and stranded countless Notre Dame runners.

Many of the assembled media

Melvin Sierra, MCAS ’21, has come out publicly and confirmed that Carney Hall is, in fact, his favorite building on campus.

“Have you ever been there when it’s 95 degrees outside?” Sierra said in a press release. “You can literally feel the life being squeezed out of the people around you in that building as they sit in rooms the size of the broom closet Tom Cruise is hiding in.

“When it comes to the best place on campus to get lost, struggle to find rooms, and allegedly pick up a venereal disease, there is absolutely no better place to go than Carney Hall.”

Sierra described his favorite building on campus as “beautiful—it’s built on character comparable to Jesus Christ’s.”

His favorite place to go is the boiler room in the basement.

“There’s just this giant-ass boiler sitting in a basement where there’s exposed pipe, every hallway could lead to a serial killer’s hideout, you just never quite know what fun stuff you’re going to find when you go to visit the boiler room!” Sierra’s statement reads.

His beliefs have been met with universal disgust.

“The last time I went in Carney I saw the evil doppelgänger of Matt Ryan, BC ’07, torturing a puppy,” Tom Clancy, BC ’09 said. “When I tried to stop him, the dude stabbed me in the sternum with an ice pick. I was in the hospital for seven years. Don’t go into Carney.”

The Undergraduate Government of Boston College released a statement that dismissed Sierra as “a troubled soul who needs counseling.”

“We’ve all been into Cerney [sic] at least twice in our time at BC and we’ve all had to fight an evil demon of some sort as we tried to get to somebody’s tiny office in there, and it is never worth it,” the UGBC statement read. “It’s never worth it. We’ve lost too many good men and women in the fight to complete Ignatius hours so we can go on a retreat. Sierra’s claims are troubling and we shall be doing everything in our power to bring his issues to the attention to BC’s Dean of Students.”

At time of publishing, UGBC has not been able to take any action on this issue because it is trying to catch up on a century of resolutions that are yet to be acted upon by the University’s administration. Sierra plans to hide in Carney if any disciplinary action is pursued, since nobody will try to find him there. 

PING PONG............................................W 4 SORRY. ‘tAbLe TeNnIs’...........................E 2 BENCHWARMERS................................D 0