50/50 Magazine

LESSONS:

Are your children choosing sides?

GUILTY:

Are you the cheater?

BARGAINING: Gathering evidence of spousal betrayal

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5050MAGAZINE.COM JAN 2012

SURVIVING SEPARATION: When infidelity is the source of your separation

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CONTENTS FEATURES

// LOGISTICS // Assets of Infidelity: A cheating spouse gives you bargaining power 3 Divorces for the Price of 1 Reality check: divorce is no one event

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// WE > I // Are You the Cheater?

Some say they’d rather not know about an affair Reign in the Drama Taking back your power in a bad divorce Dumbo Divorce Is there an elephant in the livingroom?

“I Hate You!” Feeling hatred is normal in divorce

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// FOR THE KIDS // The Parent Trap Are the kids choosing sides?

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AT I

ON

The Myth of the Mature Teen How your divorce can affect teenagers

SE G IN IV

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SU RV

ASK A JUDGE.....................

REFELECTION SPACE........

PA R

INSIDE EVERY ISSUE

ASK A JUDGE: MEET JUDGE LYNN TOLER, a graduate of Harvard and The University of Pennsylvania Law School, served as a municipal court judge for eight years. She presides over the courtroom on the nationally syndicated television show Divorce Court and is the author of the book My Mother’s Rules, a guide to greater emotional control.

“

I have a family member who is an attorney, but not a matrimonial attorney. What would you think of his representing one party?

When you don't practice regularly in a certain specialty, sometimes you don't know how much it is you don't know.

Moreover, while using a family member can be less expensive (or even free), there is something to be said for the objectivity and accountability that comes with employing someone whom you won't run into at Thanksgiving dinner.

“

My sister is a neurologist (brain doctor). She is smart, and she loves me, but there is no way I'd let her give me liposuction.

Even if I asked her to, she wouldn't do it because she has had no experience with it. Likewise, I would not structure a corporate buyout for her. Nor would I represent her in a medical malpractice suit. I wouldn't do the former because I don't know anything about it. And though I am capable of doing the latter (I used to defend doctors in medical malpractice cases early in my legal career), I'd be too emotionally involved to be objective, and I might mess it up.

Of course, there is no right answer to this question. Not being fully apprised of anyone's personal circumstances, the best I can do is alert you to the pitfalls. Good luck.

Are judges trained to recognize and deal appropriately with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

“

“

Lawyers, not unlike doctors, specialize for a reason.

Different areas of law have their own intricacies, rules, and peculiarities. And while a non-matrimonial lawyer would understand the legalities of divorce better than a layman, there is always a risk when a professional practices outside their own specialty.

The short answer is probably not, but that’s not the whole story. Each state has its own judicial training courses and requirements, so I can only speak generally. But for the most part, in the beginning judicial training usually dealt exclusively with legal issues. These days, however, judges are increasingly trained to deal with difficult people, extreme personalities, and the mentally ill. While we have always done so, we now more readily bring our collective recourses to bear on these issues.

As for training with respect to any one specific disorder in the civil context, it’s unlikely. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders identifies hundreds of mental disorders of varying degrees and severity, many of which affect behavior both in an out of the judicial system. Judges must deal with manipulative and disordered people all of the time, regardless of the genesis of their behavior. Our job is not to diagnose but to make a legally and factually appropriate decision and do our best not to allow any party to abuse either the system or the other side in a dispute. Just like with any other profession, some of us are better at it than others. That is why training in this area is now more common, and I think the judicial system will be the better for it.

50/50 // January

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// LOGISTICS //

Assets of

Infidelity Cheating spouse? Get More Money.

Of those who found themselves wincing at Silda Spitzer as she stood by her cheating husband, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, were many who’ve felt the sting of adultery. A University of Chicago study found that 25% of all marriages are affected by adultery. If a spouse divorces a cheater, can they get more of the marital assets? Maybe.

While all’s fair in love and war, that's not necessarily so in divorce court. “In California, adultery doesn't make a bit of difference in division of property... judges don’t get into it. Often, people are very disappointed to hear that,” said Nordin F. Blacker, president of the Northern California Chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

However, all is not lost.

“You can put yourself in a better position and bargain for more favorable terms, if you know how to go about it,” said Ruth Houston, author of "Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs". Here are seven steps to negotiating for a (Continued on pg. 77)

...keep quiet as you are learning about the affair, otherwise you will lose your bargaining power.

WORDS // Laurie Moison ART DIRECTION // Brianna de Moll ILLUSTRATION // Emily Ramon

50/50 // January

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// We > I //

Are YOU the Cheater Some Say They Would Rather Not Know About An Affair

While a recent study shows therapists of both genders often tell clients they should confess affairs to their spouses, many who have been on the receiving end of infidelity —the cuckolded spouse, as it were—may come to the conclusion that they would rather never have known.

Telling the spouse can be more damaging than

keeping it in”, says Dr. Tracy Latz, author of "SHIFT: 12 Keys to Shift Your Life" as well as a member of the Department of Psychiatry faculty at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center who has counseled many patients in all stages of affairs.

“People often see themselves as victims when they go out to cheat. They feel they are not getting enough attention, that no one cares about them.”

For the one who has been wronged, a cheating revelation can be devastating to the psyche, Dr. Latz says. “The initial response is almost always intense anger and an incredible sense of abandonment,” says Dr. Latz. (Continued on pg. 77)

People often see themselves as the victims when they go out to cheat.

WORDS // Sara Worsham ART DIRECTION // Brianna de Moll ILLUSTRATION // Emily Ramon

50/50 // January

2012

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// FOR THE KIDS //

WORDS // Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. ART DIRECTION // Brianna de Moll ILLUSTRATION // Emily Ramon

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// 50/50

THE

Parent

TRAP Helping children resist the pressure to choose between parents

Some children of divorce naturally feel caught between their parents as they adjust to two homes, two sets of rules, maybe two neighborhoods, & two families.

...he or she can be programmed or brainwashed into rejecting one parent to please the other.

But what children really want and need is to

stay out of their parents’ conflicts and maintain healthy and strong relationships with both parents.

Unfortunately, some parents take advantage of children’s difficulty navigating between two families and dealing with the complexity of parental divorce by creating in their children an expectation that they choose sides. These parents employ a range of strategies, known as parental alienation, in order to foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. (Continued on next page)

// FOR THE KIDS //

Parental alienation strategies can take many forms

but usually includes badmouthing the other parent, limiting contact between the child and that parent, and interfering with communication between the child and the parent.

Divorcing parents need to become educated about the primary parental alienation strategies so that they can effectively employ responses that challenge the child’s tendency to take sides while maintaining the high road as a parent.

Parents concerned about parental alienation also need to help their children develop four capacities that will help them resist the pressure to choose sides. Those are:

Critical Thinking Skills When children think critically they are aware of their thoughts, where they came from and are able to examine the reality of them and change them accordingly. This skill will help the child question his or her ideas about each parent (i.e., one is all good, one is all bad; one is always right, one is always wrong). If a child is using critical thinking skills it is not likely that he or she can be programmed or brainwashed into rejecting one parent to please the other.

Considering Options When placed in a pressured situation in which a child feels compelled to do as one parent asks (i.e., not spend time with the other parent, spy on that parent, and so forth), it is important for the child to slow down, not act right away, and consider his or her options. Doing so can prevent the child from automatically doing what the alienating parent is asking.

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Using Coping Skills and Getting Support Children sometimes feel that they are the only ones who are dealing with a problem and that no one can understand what they are going through. Encouraging children to talk to other people such as friends, teachers, and other caring adults can help them feel less alone and can help them benefit from the wisdom and kindness of others. Children also have more internal resources (self talk, relaxation strategies) that they can develop and rely on in times of need.

Listening to One’s Heart When children learn how to be true to themselves and their values it is not likely that they can be manipulated or convinced to do something that goes against their best interest (i.e., cut off one parent to please the other) or something that betrays the other parent. Children need to be encouraged to identify their core values and to be attuned to when they are going against them.

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2012

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CONTENTS FEATURES

// LOGISTICS // A Financial Affair From two incomes to one

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What’s Your Life Policy?

Life Insurance after divorce matters

// WE > I // Survival of the “Firsts” First Holiday season, first court date...etc.

33 39 42

Relationship Traps Recognizing patterns to avoid Dumbo Divorce Is there an elephant in the livingroom?

The Ex & The Next Meeting your new replacement

// FOR THE KIDS // Mending the Gap Creating a smart parenting plan...together

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The Blended Family Wedding Staying together for the kids

IN

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INSIDE EVERY ISSUE

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5............ AFTERMATH 38.......REFELECTION SPACE

AFTERMATH

By ANDREW ADAM NEWMAN

Hand Signals: A celebrity’s left hand can often break big news. “Sandra bullock not wearing wedding ring,” one recent tabloid headline said. Another: “tiger woods’ wife spotted ringless!”

Wanda dibben turned her wedding ring into a divorce ring, stitches and all.

But these days the symbolism of a gold band — or its absence — may not be so clear-cut.

When her divorce was nearly final three years ago, wanda dibben, 41, who lives outside kansas city, mo., Asked a jeweler, george rousis, to transform her wedding ring into a divorce ring. Ms. Dibben, who had been married 13 years, said she had been “very attached” to her wedding ring and hoped that reconfiguring it could “be kind of a buffer into my independence again and help facilitate healing.”

Her jeweler severed the gold band and refashioned it into a ring with a gap, across which strands of silver are stitched.

For ms. Dibben, those strands represent her son, trevor, now 14, “because although the bonds have been broken, the stitches still keep that unity together,” she said.

While divorce rings are not exactly all the rage, they are showing up here and there, as are other rings that are worn on the ring finger but signify something else.

Single and looking? Perhaps you need a silver band with a symbol of mars or venus on it, like the ones designed for gay or straight people at mysinglering.

Com. The site says that those who wear its rings project to the outside world: “i am an intelligent, empowered individual and available to meet the same.”

These Jewelers are thinking outside the ring box: Here is the Spritzer & Furman "Divorce Ring" priced at $3,200.

Amy Certilman calls herself a French designer

Gisèle Ganne specializes in divorce rings like this one.

“re-desgner” as she re-sculpts wedding bands into symbolism for the newly single.

50/50 // January

2012

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A

Financial

Affair

From Two Incomes to One

Changing our earning power doesn’t happen overnight. Making money is one thing.

Saving it is another.

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// LOGISTICS //

When Dee Coleman’s marriage ended, she was confronted with a very tough reality: She couldn’t survive on what she was making.

Strange now that when I look back, the emotional

pain has long healed,” says Coleman, “But I still remember shaking in my boots when it dawned on me that I needed to make some drastic changes, if I wanted to raise my eleven-year old daughter, and at the same time, not lose our home.”

Going from two incomes to one often is often a jarring taste of reality. As Robert Brownstein, a Sausalito, Calif., CPA and personal financial advisor explains, “And most people don’t confront it until after the actual separation.” Brownstein has worked with clients whose $400,000 household incomes plunged to $80,000 and less. “Grieving the loss of a marriage is much like grieving the death of a loved one. (Continued on pg. 78)

WORDS // Joe Stewart ART DIRECTION // Brianna de Moll ILLUSTRATION // Emily Ramon

50/50 // January

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Mending

the Gap Creating a smart parenting plan ...together.

Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate parenting, their lives and relationships with their children after a split.

While parenting plans make excellent tools for

the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn’t get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.

No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don’t try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.

Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other.

This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children – regardless of their age.

Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard.

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// FOR THE KIDS //

In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements.

It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come.

The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children’s best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions.

These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.

Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time. Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.

WORDS // Rosalind Sedacca, CCT ART DIRECTION // Brianna de Moll ILLUSTRATION // Emily Ramon

Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security.

Events in my own divorce journey got so whacky... I was sure there must have been a Candid Camera crew hiding somewhere!

WORDS // Paul Brookstone, Ph.D. ART DIRECTION // Brianna de Moll ILLUSTRATION // Emily Ramon

// We > I //

Survival

of the Firsts” “

Divorce and separation launch you into a world of “Firsts.”

The first holiday season. The first New Year’s Eve. The first time you meet your ex in a public place. Perhaps the first job interview in a long while. The first date after the end of your marriage. The first court date...

Let’s face it, most of us feel uncomfortable

when we’re on the precipice of a significant “First.” It’s unfamiliar and … we feel out of our depth. While some hardy souls naturally take anything new on with a sense of adventure, most folks are reluctant and feel ill-prepared to tackle those inevitable “Firsts.”

Fear is Normal: If you’re feeling fear or anxious when heading into a new situation, consider that a victory. If you’re heading into unfamiliar territory and are not feeling some level of fear, I would be worried you were numbed out or in denial. Fear is a natural, healthy and normal reaction to new circumstances. Instead of judging your fear, see it for the natural feedback signal that it is.

(Continued on pg. 78)

50/50 // January

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NO I IN TEAM: Creating a parenting plan...together?

THE 1ST TIME:

Master the fear of “Firsts” after divorce

SOLO SALARY: The sneaky financial reality of divorce

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5050MAGAZINE.COM JAN 2012

THRIVING AFTERWARDS: Re-setting your life with the pieces intact