2 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011
Funeral directors play a vital role during a time of loss and grief By Brian Swartz SPECIAL SECTIONS EDITOR
Mainers often feel more comfortable talking about death and participating in funeral services today than they were 3040 years ago, says Eric Annis, a licensed funeral director who owns Lary Funeral Home at 62 Summer St., Dover-Foxcroft and Lary Funeral Home at 31 Elm St., Milo. And the even the term “funeral service” no longer connotes “a negative event” as family and friends honor a loved one, Annis indicated. “That celebration of life, that funeral service, whatever the term you use, is meant to memorialize that person and help that family,” he said. In the 1970s and ’80s, “people were sheltered from death,” unlike a generation earlier when “death had more of a presence in people’s lives than it does now,” Annis said. When his father, Philip, was a young funeral director, a family often displayed the decedent’s body at home between death and burial, and a funeral director “could prepare the body at home,” Annis said. “People would visit the family there. Now it has shifted completely to the funeral home,” he said. Then, as direct cremation gained popularity — “I’d say it’s doubled [to 5060 percent of all funerals] in the last 10 years,” Annis said — many families
eschewed memorial services. “They didn’t do anything,” he said. “This is changing. Families have a lot more options with cremation now, in terms of a memorial service, a viewing,” Annis observed. “The [memorial] service is for those of us left behind,” he said. “A service is a realization [of death], a chance to reflect personally, if not publicly, about that person’s life.” A funeral director plays a vital role after a death occurs. While sharing death as a common denominator, each cremation, funeral, or memorial service differs substantially, with the actual events determined either by an individual’s prefuneral arrangements or the survivors’ decisions. As a funeral director, “you have to lead the family through the process of funeral arrangements,” Annis said. A funeral director provides information about the types of funeral services, available burial plots, monuments, and such legal requirements as a death certificate. Working closely with a family during their grief requires a funeral director to remain dispassionate, professional, and focused on a family’s needs. “Some people pre-plan their arrangements,” Annis said. “They know what they want for a final result (i.e., cremation, funeral service, even a particular burial plot). Many people don’t make arrangements. “While working with the family, we
PHOTO COURTESY OF LARY FUNERAL HOME
Ethan Annis (left), a licensed funeral director, has joined his father Eric at the Lary Funeral Homes in DoverFoxcroft and Milo. “We see more personal involvement, be held in a place that is more accessible present them with the options of what perhaps a best friend or relatives sharing to the family and the general public.” they can do,” he said. Annis often assists families and indi- memories about the person,” he said. Throughout Maine, whether at urban viduals whom he knows; growing up in “This is just a different aspect of how or rural funeral homes, modern technolDover-Foxcroft and working with his funeral services have changed.” ogy has influenced how funeral directors Annis believes that “a period of visita- do their work. “With Ethan joining us, father at Lary Funeral Home helped prepare him for such personal contact. “It’s tion is as important as the [funeral] that brought us the younger generation’s very fulfilling for me to be a small-town service as a source of support for peo- ideas of applying technology to our profamily funeral director, where I know the ple.” With cremation, many families pre- fession,” Eric Annis said. people and draw satisfaction from help- fer to scatter a loved one’s ashes; Annis He cited online condolences, a techthinks that “at least a portion of those nology not available in the early 1990s. ing them,” Annis said. Ethan Annis, who is a licensed funer- cremated remains [should] go to a Using an online address printed “at the al director, recently joined his father at cemetery somewhere” so “when people bottom of the obituary,” a friend or relaLary Funeral Home. As do funeral direc- feel that need to grieve at a loved one’s tive can log on and write a virtual tribute tors elsewhere in Maine, Eric and Ethan grave, they have a place to honor that to the decedent. work with families whose religious val- person. “As I see the things that people say, a ues have often changed during the last “People need a place to go to pay their lot of those people still come to the visi10-20 years. final respects,” he explained. tation,” Annis said, admitting that he ini“In the past, families would have Some families still opt for graveside tially wondered if some people might learned toward a minister to perform the services, but Maine’s vagarious weather “leave an online condolence rather than funeral service, regardless if they attend- and summer insects can adversely affect come” to the funeral home. “I realize ed a church or not,” Eric Annis said. such ceremonies. At many cemeteries, now that for people who can’t make it to “Now we see more services that are not people might have to walk long dis- a funeral, this is good for them, being religiously based. It depends on the ori- tances, too, to reach a gravesite. Annis able to pay tribute this way,” he said. entation of each family. recommended that “the funeral service
BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011 | 3
Estate planning provides protection in event of death or disability By M. Ray Bradford, Esq. We all live in a busy world. We are going in so many directions that we often don’t take time to stop and think about the future until a disability or unexpected death strikes a loved one or close friend. At that point, mortality suddenly confronts us, and we are concerned. But most people do nothing; they procrastinate and hope that uncomfortable feeling will just go away. Are you a procrastinator or planner? Do you have a will, living trust, or an inheritance plan? A Will. You hear it everywhere: Everyone should have a will. What exactly is a will? Technically, it is a legal document in which you tell others after your death how your possessions and assets should be distributed to others, and who you want to be in charge of doing so. This sounds easy to do, but it is not. Why? Because you and I have to make choices: who, what, when, and even how. When you are planning for people — and not just assets — it becomes difficult. Guiding you through these choices and making good decisions is what a good estate-planning attorney does. Most recent studies show that more than 50 percent of all Americans do not have a written will, yet everyone has an estate plan. Contradictory? No. The state has a statutory estate plan for everyone. It’s called intestacy: dying without a written will. You need not
Developing a will, an inheritance plan, or a living trust can help people protect themselves, their families, and their estates if death or disability should occur. worry — you’re dead — but your spouse, children, and other loved ones will have to live with the results of your failure to plan. By doing nothing you have made a decision – a decision to let others rely on the law to write your inheritance instructions. How does the law know what you have in mind? This is where the legal process of probate, judges, and lawyers come into play. Having a will (or even better a living trust) sets forth your choices and puts you in control. However, good planning doesn’t just
begin when you die. What if you are suddenly placed in a nursing home with a stroke or seriously laid up with an illness such as cancer, or may have Alzheimer’s that runs in the family? How do you plan for that? Durable Powers of Attorney and Living Trusts are the tools you need to look at to provide for you and your family while you’re still living. Remember, a will does nothing for you until you die. It doesn’t tell anyone what to do — or even empower them to do it — while you’re alive.
Who can speak for you with the doctors, hospitals, and other health care professionals? No one, not even your spouse or children, until you have created for them a durable medical power of attorney, commonly known as “health care powers.” What about paying bills, selling things, dealing with insurance claims, dealing with any bank or credit union, or authorizing your broker to buy, sell, or change around your IRA, 401K, or 40B plan? These issues usually require a durable financial power of attorney. What if you don’t have these documents in place? Again, the state has a plan for you; it’s called a guardianship and/or conservatorship. A guardianship takes control of your person and strips you of all legal rights as an adult; you’re a child again. A conservatorship takes control of all your finances; others will make these decisions for you, because you legally can’t! These legal proceedings become necessary — and are time consuming, expensive, and stressful to everyone. Wills, Durable Powers of Attorney, Living Wills, and Trusts are just the tools you can use to plan to take care of yourself and others. These are the tools that a good estate-planning lawyer uses to design a lifetime and inheritance plan
that will work for you and your loved ones. Whatever the family and financial situations, it usually comes down to this for most people: “I want to take care of myself and my loved ones during my lifetime, especially if I’m disabled, and then when I’m gone, I want to leave what I have to whom I want, the way I want, and in the process avoid the probate courts as much as possible, minimize any estate or income taxes I might have to pay.” Sounds like a plan? No, it’s actually a goal, the goal most of my clients challenge me to reach as best as possible. Knowing how to use the tools — a will, durable power of attorney, living will, or living trust — is the estate-planning lawyer’s task. Procrastination is the enemy. Remember that not to do anything is a decision — and often a very poor one. Who controls your future? You can and should if you care about your loved ones.
Mr. Bradford is a Bangor attorney with more then 30 years of legal experience in dealing with wills, living trusts, and durable powers of attorney. He is a founding member of the National Network of Estate Planning Attorneys and is a member of the Maine State Bar Association.
4 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011
Family, friends honor a person’s memory with “celebration of life” By Brian Swartz SPECIAL SECTIONS EDITOR
In death, many people prefer to celebrate life, as recent funeral trends indicate. “People are uncomfortable with funerals and want to avoid them,” said James Fernald at Brookings-Smith in Bangor. “They don’t like the traditional structured funeral” that emphasizes a subdued ceremony, melancholy music, and a dispassionate tribute to the decedent. “A trend we’re seeing in American society is the non-structured funeral,” he said.
Ancient cemetery at Colonial Pemaquid in Bristol.
According to Fernald, a wake or evening visitation “done before a funeral is an informal way to express your sympathy to the family face-to-face … [to] share your stories.” This tradition has shifted to a post-funeral event often described as a “celebration of life,” a “life tribute,” or a “memorial reception.” “It’s a different way to celebrate someone who has died,” Fernald said. Family and friends gather somewhere other than a funeral home to remember the decedent; a life tribute can take place in a house, “in a favorite pub, on a boat, even at a golf course if the person was a golfer,” he indicated. “That’s why it’s called a ‘non-structured funeral.’ There’s no formal structure to it,” Fernald said. Funeral traditions do change, as Maine funeral directors can attest. In the early 1990s, about 30-40 percent of Maine funerals involved cremation; that percentage trended higher in cities and lower in rural towns. “What we’ve seen today is more people choosing cremation as to what they’d like to have done,” Fernald said. He reported that at Brookings-Smith, 65-70 percent of all funerals now involve cremation. In the past, Maine funerals often incorporated a minister, priest, or rabbi. “We have worked with a lot of families who told us,‘We need you to help us find a pastor,’” Fernald said. Today, with “20 percent of Americans non-churched,” many people have “no connection with a church or a minister” and “don’t want a stranger talking about their loved one,” he said. “They don’t need a message. People want a time [to be] together. They want to remember the friend or relative who died,” Fernald said.
Several years ago, Brookings-Smith opened a Family Reception Center at 163 Center St., Bangor as a place for people to gather after a funeral. According to Fernald, a life tribute held in the Family Reception Center now frequently supplants traditional visiting hours in a funeral chapel. The facility has three large-screen TVs placed in different rooms, a kitchen with two refrigerators, and a WinnieThe-Pooh-themed children’s room with toys, a TV, and a VCR/DVD player. A separate business office offers Internet access. According to Fernald, the Family Reception Center was designed to accommodate life-tribute trends. In the past, friends and relatives often created an easel-mounted photographic collage that, placed near a casket or urn, memorialized the decedent. Some families still display such collages or framed photos, but today’s life tribute often features a DVD played on a large-screen TV. “They take snapshots of a person’s life and put them into a DVD, like a movie,” Fernald said. “The DVD takes the place of the collage of photos.” A memorial DVD can also incorporate music, perhaps a decedent’s favorite songs or even music actually played by the decedent. Some people organize their own memorial DVDs “as part of their [funeral] pre-arrangements,” Fernald indicated. ‘They contact relatives and friends, who could live all over, and ask them to send photos. They might email them directly to us; we can create a DVD.” A life tribute may feature food, especially among Mainers who “are into their hospitality,” he said. Family or friends might serve food platters, finger sand-
See FUNERALS, Page 6
NEWS PHOTOS BY BRIAN SWARTZ
James Fernald stands inside the Family Reception Center at BrookingsSmith on Center Street in Bangor. During the many years that Fernald has been a licensed funeral director, he has seen the traditional funeral service transition toward a “celebration of life” or a “life tribute” that memorializes the decedent.
BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011 | 5
Estate planning should include decisions affecting future health care By Elder Law Answers.com
cerning treatment.
Just as we create estate plans for our eventual demise, we also need to plan ahead for the possibility that we will become sick and unable to make our own medical decisions. Medical science has created many miracles, among them the technology to keep patients alive longer, sometimes indefinitely. As a result of many well-publicized “right to die” cases, states have made it possible for individuals to give detailed instructions regarding the kind of care they would like to receive should they become terminally ill or are in a permanently unconscious state. These instructions fall under the general category of “health care decisionmaking.” Depending on the state in which you live, this may take the form of a health-care proxy, a medical directive, or a living will.
Appointing an agent
The health-care proxy
If an individual becomes incapacitated, it is important that someone have the legal authority to communicate that person’s wishes concerning medical treatment. Similar to a power of attorney, a health-care proxy allows an individual to appoint someone else to act as their agent, but for medical, as opposed to financial, decisions. The health-care proxy is a document executed by a competent person (the principal) giving another person (the agent) the authority to make health-care decisions for the principal if he or she is unable to communicate such decisions. By executing a health-care proxy, principals ensure that the instructions that they have given their agent will be carried out. A health-care proxy is especially important to have if an individual and family members may disagree about treatment. In general, a health-care proxy takes effect only when the principal requires medical treatment and a physician determines that the principal is unable to communicate his or her wishes con-
Since the agent will have the authority to make medical decisions in the event that the principal is unable to make such decisions for him- or herself, the agent should be a family member or friend that the principal trusts to follow his or her instructions. Before executing a health-care proxy, the principal should talk to the person whom he or she wants to name as the agent about the principal’s wishes concerning medical decisions, especially life-sustaining treatment. Once the health-care proxy is drawn up, the agent should keep the original document. The principal should have a copy, and the principal’s physician should keep a copy with that individual’s medical records. Those interested in drawing up a health-care proxy document should contact an attorney who is skilled and experienced in elder law matters. Many hospitals and nursing homes also provide forms, as do some public agencies. Medical directives
Accompanying a health-care proxy should be a medical directive, which provides the agent with instructions on what type of care the principal would like. A medical directive can be included in the health-care proxy or it can be a separate document. It may contain directions to refuse or remove life sup-
port in the event the principal is in a coma or a vegetative state, or it may provide instructions to use all efforts to keep the principal alive, no matter what the circumstances. Medical directives can also be broader statements granting general authority for all medical decisions that are important to the principal. These broader medical directives give the agent guidance in less serious situations. Living wills
Living wills are documents that give instructions regarding treatment if the individual becomes terminally ill or is in a persistent vegetative state and is unable to communicate his or her own instructions. The living will states under what conditions that life-sustaining treatment should be terminated. If an individual would like to avoid life-sustaining treatment when it would be hopeless, he or she needs to draw up a living will. Like a health care proxy, a living will takes effect only upon a person’s incapacity. Also, a living will is not set in stone; an individual can always revoke it at a later date if he or she wishes to do so. Also, do not confuse a living will with a “do not resuscitate” order (DNR). A DNR says that if you are having a medical emergency such as a heart attack or stroke, medical professionals may not try to revive you. This is very different from a living will, which only goes into effect if you are in a vegetative state.
PHOTO BY BRIAN SWARTZ
As they age, people should take steps to determine who will make future health-care decisions for them if they become terminally ill or permanently incapacitated.
6 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011
Maine residents have option to pre-arrange and pre-pay funerals By Maine Funeral Directors Association Many people today make their own pre-arrangements. This can be done in a very simple format or thoroughly detailed, whichever is your preference. It is always advisable to encourage family participation at this time, as the decisions and options that you are choosing for yourself will undoubtedly affect those of whom survive you.
It is easy to preplan a funeral: • Make an appointment to meet your local funeral director, and he/she will sit down and carefully talk with you about your needs and wishes. You can have this meeting at the funeral home or in the comfort of your own home. The pre-arrangement will give you time to think and plan, under relaxed circumstances. It is truly an expression of love for those you will someday leave behind. Many of us try to make it easier
for our children to have good educations by planning ahead financially for college. So, why shouldn’t we make it easier for our entire family by planning our funeral? • You can discuss details such as where you want your funeral, options of burial or cremation, what type of casket you want, choices of cemetery lots, music, flowers, and any other details you want to arrange. You can ask as many questions as you want and explore all the var-
Investigate advantages of annuities By Annuity.com Annuities are contracts with written contractual provisions that include benefits paid to a named beneficiary. In the event of the annuitant (a person) dying, the proceeds from an annuity are passed to the beneficiary. The beneficiary can be a person or people, a trust, or an organization. If the annuity names a beneficiary, the funds are paid without the need of probate. Several options are available to the beneficiary for receiving the funds. These settlement options can be a lump sum or a payment over a desired time period. If the annuity benefits include any tax deferral (accumulated interest), the tax
liability belongs to the beneficiary. As an example, if the annuity had an original $25,000 deposit that had grown to a value of $50,000, the taxable liability would be $25,000. The actual tax liability would be based on the tax bracket of the beneficiary. Many assets inherited at the death of an estate qualify for “step up” in basis, which means that the value of the asset at the death of the person could be sold based on the value at that time. If the asset was sold at or less than the value at the time of death, there would be no tax liability incurred. Annuities do not qualify for step up in basis because they had enjoyed a tax deferral period prior to the death of the
annuitant. If the funds are received by the annuitant over a period of time, the tax liability is also “spread out” over the selected time period. The IRS allows for the beneficiary to select a time period to make arrangements when to receive the funds. The beneficiary is allowed up to five years to defer receiving the funds and assuming the tax liability. This time period allows for the beneficiary to obtain the proper tax and investment advice as to how to proceed based on their personal situation. If the annuitant prior to death had selected an income option for receiving money from the annuity, the payments could continue to the named beneficiary. A death claim would need to be filed so tax liability and payment selections could be made.
ious options open to you with your funeral director. You may choose to pre-plan by discussing your options with your funeral director and cemeterian and keeping those requests on file at the funeral home and cemetery. You may choose to pre-pay or prefinance your arrangements through a lump-sum payment or installment payments. In Maine, we are very proud of our trusting laws, meaning that the monies you pay for your pre-arrangement must be placed in a mortuary trust account, guaranteeing that the money will be there when it is needed. Pre-planning may also include the pre-need purchase of a burial site. The selection of a burial site is a very personal and important decision that can be difficult to make at the time of death. The pre-need selection of a burial site allows one the opportunity to think about and discuss with family members without the pressure of making a hasty, irreversible decision. In addition, you have the option of changing your mind. A visit with a cemeterian during the preplanning process is critical. The cemeterian can show you the
burial sites available in the various sections while explaining how the remains will be set in the grave and where the monuments and markers will be placed. We are also proud of our anti-solicitation laws that prohibit funeral homes, cemeteries, and crematories from soliciting directly for death-related services. This is not to be confused with advertising, which is lawful. Without a doubt, thinking about one’s own death is disconcerting. It can however, bring great peace of mind when you pre-plan and even prepay your funeral, knowing that your survivors will be relieved of financial burdens and will be given the job of simply fine-tuning your requests; they will be able to spend quality time with family and friends and focus on themselves. Do not place your written prearrangement plans in a safety deposit box or in your attorney’s office. Those papers are not easily accessible after death. Put your pre-planning requests in writing at your local funeral home, with copies given to your spouse or closest next-of-kin so that you will be guaranteed that all your plans will be carried out.
Funerals
desserts, and, if requested, “we can offer a list of caterers,” he said. Often lasting 60 to 90 minutes, a life tribute “becomes more of a celebration of life,” Fernald said. “We have some small families who gather here, but one time more than 600 people came through here in two hours.” During a life tribute, people pay their respects to the decedent’s family, chitchat, and eat. “It’s a light-type of gathering, not a sad one,” Fernald said. “We can see how people are more relaxed. They know they’re here because someone died, but they’re celebrating that person’s life.” A funeral, memorial service, or life tribute, “no matter what it’s called,” provides “closure for the family,” he said. “We believe everyone should have some kind of ceremony, structured or nonstructured. It represents a way to honor the individual and to help the family deal with their grief.”
Continued from Page 4 wiches, fruit trays, coffee, and light
BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011 | 7
Grieving is a way to express the pain felt upon a loved one’s loss By Victor Parachin Everyone who loves is vulnerable to the pain of grief, for love means attachment, and all human attachments are subject to loss. But grief need not, should not, be a destructive emotion. — Dr. Joyce Brothers, psychologist
How long does grief last? This is probably the most common question asked by the bereaved. Because every griever is unique, there is no single answer to this question. In most cases, the pain associated with grieving begins to subside considerably in the second and third years following loss. This means that there are more good days than bad days; that the heavy, depressive feelings in earlier months begin to break up with more hopeful, optimistic feelings replacing them. Many bereavement authorities believe that most grief adjustments take between two and four years to be completed. Of course, some adjustments are shorter and some are longer. What are the signs of grief? On the emotional level, the bereaved experience some of the following: disbelief, shock, numbness, denial, sadness, anxiety, guilt, depression, anger, loneliness, or frustration. The physical symptoms of grief can include tightness of the chest or throat, pain in the heart area, panic attacks, dizziness or trembling. Grievers also report sleep disturbance, as in either too much or not enough sleep. All of these emotional and physical symptoms fall within the normal range of response to the loss of a loved one. I feel like I am going crazy. Is this normal? This is perfectly normal. Indeed, grief can be accurately described as a “crazy” time in one’s life. In her book, Nobody’s Child Anymore, Barbara Bartocci writes: “The important thing to realize about mourning is that it’s normal to feel slightly crazy. You will forget things. You will drive your car as if on autopilot. You
will stare at the papers on your desk and feel paralyzed to get any work done.” Bartocci offers this simple and practical advice: “This might be a good time to carry a small notebook with you. Write down things you need to remember. Don’t rely on your memory. Let your boss know why you’re not functioning at your usual one-hundred percent. Be patient with yourself.” Will I ever stop crying? Even though it may be difficult to believe, the tears will come to an end. This will not happen abruptly but gradually, and even after the intense crying ceases, there may be times when hearing a favorite song or seeing a favored place will bring a moment of sadness along with a tear. Keep in mind that crying is healthy because it is an emotional and physical release. Do all people grieve in the same way? While many aspects of grieving are universal — feelings of sadness, numbness, confusion, depression — there is no single prescribed way to grieve. Grieving is an individual endeavor. Some want to have many people around with whom they can share and explore their feelings. Others prefer to deal with loss more privately. Most people report that grieving is
much like being on an emotional roller coaster. It is worth noting that the “ride” down is usually the prelude to the “ride” up. Do men and women grieve differently? The cultural stereotypes of women and men in grief are inaccurate. Generally, they portray women as being expressive with their grief while men are the “strong and silent” types. The reality is that some men need and want to express and share their feelings, while some women prefer to do their grief work in a more low-key way. Grief can seem unending, but time eases Bereavement styles have less to the pain associated with personal loss. do with gender and more to do Grieving is a natural reaction to losing a with basic personality traits. loved one, whether a relative or friend. Grieve in ways that are most the angry feelings. helpful and healing for you. What helps the grieving process? I feel very angry. Why is this and what can I do with the anger? Even though grievers often feel helpIt is not unusual to feel angry. Some- less, there are important steps and times the anger is directed at the actions they can take to make the grievdeceased love one, sometimes toward ing process flow more smoothly and other family members, sometimes at toward a more rapid resolution. medical staff, or sometimes toward God. Here are some ways to cope with the The anger will subside, but you can pain of loss: take the edge off it through exercise, • Seek out supportive people. Find a hard physical activity, such as house- relative, friend, neighbor, or spiritual work, or gardening, and by talking about leader who will listen non- judgmentally and provide you with support as you
sort your way through grief. • Express your feelings. Do this by confiding in a trusted friend or by writing in a journal. Feelings expressed are often feelings diminished. • Take care of your health. Eat balanced, nutritious meals. Rest properly. Find an exercise you enjoy and do it regularly. • Find outside help when necessary. If your bereavement feels too heavy for you to bear, find a counselor or therapist trained in grief issues. When is mourning finished? Mourning is successfully completed when the “tasks” of grief are completed. In his book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, J. William Worden, Ph.D., identifies the four “tasks” of grieving: • To accept the reality of the loss; • To experience the pain of the grief; • To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing; • To withdraw emotional energy and reinvest it in another relationship. For those who seek a clear sign that their grieving is coming to completion, Dr. Worden offers this insight: “One benchmark of a completed grief reaction is when the person is able to think of the deceased without pain.” Victor M. Parachin, Tulsa, OK, is a grief educator and minister with the National Funeral Directors Association.
8 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011