Reading—A beer with Baz Bazza’s mind clicked through the decades as he read the handwriBen address on the envelope before sliding a schooner of beer across to Mick. ‘Sorry about the wait, Mick. Someone has sent me a leBer addressed ‘Care of the Bodalla Pub. NSW.’ Vol 16 September 15th 2017 28 April December 7th, 2017 Vol 48 27th 2018
I had to explain to the young bar aBendant what a leBer is and why it needs a stamp. You know, Mick, without even opening it, I bet it is a leBer from someone I went to primary school with. We had a teacher who was so bloody strict with handwri:ng that we all ended up wri:ng in the same style. We had slope cards behind each page and prac:sed each leBer for ages before we were even allowed to join them up into words. She would give you a good whack across the knuckles if you strayed outside the lines on the slope card. GeLng a pen licence was hard work in those days.’ Mick sighed ‘The fact it is addressed to the Bodalla Pub is a worry to start with, Bazza. Just open the bloody leBer.’ ‘Ah……there you go, a fiHy year primary school reunion, Mick’ Mick eyed Bazza from head to toe for a good while. ‘Now Bazza, I don’t want to offend you but here is a bit of work you need to do on yourself before you even think of going.’ Bazza leaned back and creased his eyes. ‘You should either dye your hair or shave it completely, to keep them guessing. You really need to take a mini lawn mower to the monobrow as well as the hair sprou:ng from your nose and ears and I’ve been wan:ng to pluck that liBle outcrop growing out of the mole on your face for years. I would think about inves:ng in some contact lenses as your glasses resemble the boBoms of Coca Cola boBles. I don’t think there is much :me to do anything with your nose; it’s just been in too many scrums but the false teeth could do with a good polish.’ ‘All a bit rough, Mick. I’m now pleased the wife’s eyesight is on the decline.’ ‘You are beBer off hearing it from me than your primary school sweetheart, Bazza. By gee, you need to drop a fair few kilos though. But there is some good news.’ Bazza straightened his back and breathed in to reduce his girth while Mick smiled and raised his glass. ‘The good news is your choice of clothes. You can preBy much go as you are as your fashion sense hasn’t changed since the 1970’s…….. Now, on the night, I suggest your drink of choice should be a top shelf scotch to let everyone know you are a success. It’s also important to have a mobile phone with you as well and get someone to ring you every fiHeen minutes so that you have an excuse to move on from someone who is boring you and to send a signal to all that you are extremely important in your chosen field.’ Bazza took a very long sip and a deep breath. ‘All sounds a bit too much, Mick, given the only reason I would want to go is to find out about my Love Actually moment. In the movie the beau:ful girl points to the twelve year old boy whilst singing ‘All I Want is You’. When I had a very bit part in our school produc:on of ‘My Fair Lady’, the star of the musical asked me to hold the water bubbler for her before she went on stage. Now, I’ve always wondered whether she actually chose me amongst the six other boys or whether it was because I was standing next to her.’ Have a beer with Baz at john.longhurst59@gmail.com beagle weekly : Vol 211 June 11th 2021
28
