Beausez WimpingOut OnSouthern Food DidYouEverDrink Honest-To-God Moonshine? RedEyeGravy IsTheGreat Puckering
I
’mnotmanenough forsomeSouthern food.Itried,but therearesome thingsintheSouth thatarecompletelybeyond me.Anddon’tgetme wrong,IlovetheSouth.I livedsixwonderfulyears inTennesseeandthereare manydaysIwishIwas backinthesweetarmsof Dixie.MostofwhatI’m talkingabouthastodo withfoodandsuch,butI freelyadmitthereare somethingsIcan’thack. Tomakethingsclear,I’ma babyboomeroftheearliest vintage.Iwasboomingway beforealotoflatecomersso muchofmytastesandmores camefromthelateforties, andmysailsweresetbythe mid-fifties.
Asforgeography,Iwas raisedoutwest, way outwest intheReno-Tahoearea.The farthestSouthIgotwas in1955wedrove allthewayto Disneylandin Southern Californiafor thegrand opening.I didn’t even seemy Cardinalbirdor lightningbuguntilI was21years old,sowhenI
moveddownSouththere weresomeculturalshocks thatstillreverberateinmy brain. Thefirstismoonshine. I’mtalkingabout honest-to-Godmason jar,screwofflidpop skull.Iwasinthe motorcyclemagazine world,andIgotclose tosomegenuine characters down there. Myfirst tasteof ‘shine’wasapink boozethatBubba BoswellSr.gave me.Hewas ownerof Boswell’s HarleyDavidsonatthetimeandwas eagertogivemeawelcoming present. “Here,”hesaid,“thisisa damnsitebetterthanthe stampyou’regonnaget.” Stampreferstoanyalcohol thathaspaidtaxesonitself andcarriesastamponthelid. Legalstuff.Thatwasabold statementconsideringthatthe JackDanielsdistillerywasin Tennessee,andmuchrevered. “Where’dyougetthis,”I asked.Hejustsmiledand
“Goon,”hesaid, “haveasnort.”I unscrewedthelid, tookawhiff,andit mademedizzy.I staggeredbacka stepandBubba hadtosteadyme. Hestareda challengingstare atmefora momentuntilI liftedthejartomy lipsandtookatiny sip.Itburnedlike moltengold,andI knewwhatCrassus feltlike.
said,“I’ma
hebeamed. Foreverafterthat ifheaskedmeif I’dlikesomemore ofhisfavorite
“Yeah,Iknow,”
Thejarwashalffull,andIfigured itwasbecause Bubbareckoned thatwasallIcould handle.Hewas rightbyhundreds ofpercent.I lookedatitfora momentandwas curioustoseethat itwasmostlyclear withahintofpink.
“Here,hesaid, “letmeshowya,” andhetookahuge gulp.“Damn, that’sgood,”he saidsmackinghis lips.Here give‘er another shot.So,I mannedup andtooka bighit. Myhead fellrightoff my shoulders androlled downthe driveway, andBubba hadtofetch itandputit backmy quivering torso.Hegrinneda widegrin,“good, ain’tit?”Icouldn’t answerbecauseI wasgaspingfor air. “Yeah,I wheezed…smooth. ”
southernboyandI havefriends.”
stuff,Ialwayssaid yes,butabit reluctantly.Ithink hesensedmy reticence(fear) andonlygaveme somemorea coupleoftimes.I useditasafire
round mason cauldron aboutwaist highand aboutfive feetaround. Liningone wallwas shelves withcups, someof themplastic forthe tourists, someglass forthe locals.
starterformy BBQ. Now,I’mno strangertooff brandhootch.
shewouldpour someofher concoctionforyou outofthathuge ladle. Well,nobody knewforsurewhat wasinthatheavy booze,butitwas rumbased.Other thanthat, speculationran high:Somesaid therewas belladonna,some saidtherewas bourbon,others saidithadherbs thatLucygrewout inthejungle.But onethingwasfor sure,itwould makeyourhead explodebutit tastedprettygood, sortoflikeacross betweenKahlua andPerfidia.
Isawsailorand Marines,hard men,drinkacup Fantail,curlupon thegroundoutside
diameter.No tablesinside,no chairsnocounter foracashregister. Theonlythingin theplacewasa
Theonly drinkLucyserved washerfamous fantailwhichshe stirredupinthe cauldronwitha fourfootladle.If youboughtoneof herdrinksyougot yourselfacupand
WhileinStCroix intheVirgin Islands,therewas aplacecalled Lucy’sFantail.It wasthemost barrenplaceIever saw.Itwasjusta roundedadobehut about30feetin
inthejungleand crylikebabies. Butgettingback toTennessee,what theMoonshineis toliquor,RedEye Gravyistofood. ThefirsttimeI trieditwasatthe Lovelesscaféright offtheNashville exitontheNatchez Trace.Thecaféis prettyfamous becausethephoto ofeverysingle countrymusicstar from Maybelle Carterin thethirties tothemost recentartist hangson thewalls.I usedtogo thereevery timeIrode theNatchez Traceona motorcycle, becausethey aremost famousfor theirheavenly biscuits.Best biscuitsIeverhad barnone.Buton thisonesoft southernnight withthecrickets chirpingandthe fireflieslightingup thenearbyforest,I triedputtingsome RedEyeonmy biscuits. Now,it’shardto describethe feelingwherethe tongueshrivelsto ameredryleather flap,thecheeks implodetopushing onthemolars,the lipspuckerlike you’reaboutto kissacamel,the eyesrollbackand thefeeling descendsonyou thatifyoudon’t getsomewater soon,you’llturn intoapillarofsalt justlikeLot’sdear wife.Thatstuffis salty.Saltierthan thewaterfromthe GreatSaltLake, saltierthanthe DeadSea,saltier thana30-year bosun’smate. Thereisaworld ofrecipesforit, butthemain ingredientsare greasefromham andcoffee. Strongcoffee.I’m talkingthestuff youfindina constructionsite traileroffice.
CountryHam,that personistoughas whangleather. Doubletough.It’s saidthatinthe CivilWar,Union soldierswere terrifiedbythe rebelyellwhich camefrom southernboys probablyhopped uponCountry HamwithRedEye gravyandwashed downwith Moonshine.Idon’t doubtit. LikeIsaid,it’sa Southernthing, andGodblessyou Southernfolks,but I’mjustnotman enoughforit.
Badasscoffee.And thenyoumixit withthegrease fromCountry Ham,whichbrings ustothesubjectof CountryHam. NotonlyamInot manenoughfor thegravy,neither amItoughenough forCountryHam. Strongstuff.Try andfinditatyour localgrocerystore. Itain’tthere becauseit’snotfor thecivilized world.Thereason thatRedEyeisso saltyisbecauseit’s madefromham thathasbeencured sixmonths in…youguessed it…salt.Nowthen, imaginewhatit tasteslikewhen onepoursRedEye Gravyover CountryHam. Forgetaboutit. You’llbepickled rightthereatthe
table.Yourbody willbepreserved fortheages. Again,I’mnot aversetotrying newfoods.Iate someslimy Lutefiskin Norway,andI vowI’llnever touchthatnasty stuffagain.Iate aplateofsnails inacasbahin Morocco,and someotherstuff inChinathatI can’tdescribe otherthanit staredbackatme fromtheplate. ButIchallenge anybodyfroma foreigncountry totrythese staplesfromthe Southandnot stagger. Now,ifa personrelishes thesegangof three: Moonshine,Red EyeGravyand