EXPERIENCE
Small Talk and Society Social Anxiety in Relationshsips WRITER: Jessica Li PHOTOGRAPER: Alex Reich
Having stayed mute for half a year in kindergarten, and growing up awkward and shy, it wasn’t until the age of 19 that Lia Swan, a senior studying Horticulture, had found out that social anxiety had been the root cause of it all.
they have “safety” people alongside them whom they interact with comfortably. Likewise, Swan admits that she feels panicked when left alone, so she steers clear of social events unless she has someone to go with her.
According to Judith Rickard, a Counseling & Psychological Services counselor, social anxiety is primarily characterized by a strong fear of judgment by others. People with social anxiety end up becoming trapped in a negative cycle; they avoid social situations that trigger their anxiety in the first place, and although they feel protected by avoiding, this prevents them from adapting to social situations, and having positive experiences to counter the anxiety. Similarly, Swan relates to this.
Another type of relationship that social anxiety can affect is that of a romantic one. Kleronomos says that people who aren’t outgoing are perceived as being less attractive.
“People made fun of me for being quiet, and that made me fear social interaction even more,” said Swan via email. The development of social anxiety arises in different ways, and Dr. Misha Kleronomos, a psychology instructor and psychotherapist at Integrated Psychotherapy, gives examples such as being bullied, criticized by parents or having experienced an embarrassingly traumatic event. To demonstrate this, Kleronomos shares the story of a teen agoraphobic client of hers who had refused to return to school after having been ridiculed by classmates for having her period in class with white pants on. In addition, social anxiety can significantly impact one’s relationships with others. According to Kleronomos, it can limit social activities and events, even with those close to them. And sometimes, the only way for people with social anxiety to step out of their comfort zone and socialize is if
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“Someone who is socially anxious is often seen as lacking confidence, could be seen as being a snob, withdrawn, depressed or unlikable, when really they are fearful,” said Kleronomos via email. Not to mention that being in a relationship can be challenging for one who has social anxiety, because that person will feel protective of their partner, but will limit themselves and step away to not make their partner feel bad. Overthinking also comprises social anxiety. For instance, Swan brings up a simple case on the timeliness of responding to text messages and the effects that it has on her. “If I forget to answer a message from someone, my anxiety will keep me delaying my response in fear that they hate me for not answering early enough initially,” said Swan via email. “This cycle lasts until I finally answer way later, and feel terrible that I let my friends down, even though I know rationally that they care about me.” Although Swan hasn’t been able to overcome social anxiety completely, she has discovered methods of coping with her anxiety. She uses a visual titled “Self-Talk to Help End Obsessions”
